Episode 148: Give Me Your Heart/Singles Awareness Day
Recommendation: Facing the Sun
https://archiveofourown.org/works/367059
Episode 148: Give Me Your Heart/Singles Awareness Day
Sequoia Simone: There is certain great things about adulthood.
Kim: If you say so.
Sequoia Simone: Everything's a nightmare, but...
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia Simone: But I have a jelly bean dispenser that is the Death Star.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia Simone: You know, I've had jelly beans in it in the past, but I don't really like jelly beans.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia Simone: I just like one particular flavor of jelly bean. And then I realized that I'm a whole adult with a whole credit card.
Kim: You could just go buy a bag of the one flavor of jelly beans you like?
Sequoia Simone: So now I just have a jelly bean dispenser full of cinnamon jelly beans.
Kim: Cinnamon? Huh?
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. Yeah. You're making a basically, you don't like cinnamon jelly beans, which is just like a wrong opinion, but that's fine.
Kim: No, they're fine. It's just that if I was just going to fill a jelly bean dispenser with just one flavor of jelly bean, I don't think cinnamon would be it.
Sequoia Simone: What would, what's your one flavor of jelly bean, then?
Kim: I like the apple one.
Sequoia Simone: Terrible, terrible choice [laughs].
Kim: The one that's red on the outside and white on the inside. I like all the jelly beans that are like a different color on the outside than they are on the inside. Those are fun.
Sequoia Simone: That's a bougie jelly bean.
Kim: What do you mean? All jelly beans cost the same.
Sequoia Simone: That doesn't come in the regular...
Kim: Yes, they do!
Sequoia Simone: The ones that are different on the inside don't come in the regular...
Kim: Yes they do!
Sequoia Simone: ...Like, mixed bag of jelly beans.
Kim: I don't know what you're talking about... Watermelon?! [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone:.
Kim: And I'm Kim:.
Sequoia Simone: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: A Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia Simone: Wow.
Kim: Just realizing I didn't drop my links into our episode outline, so you don't know that I am doing not one but two Valentines Day fics today.
Sequoia Simone: Happy Valentine's Day listeners. Apparently Kim: has brought us two... we struggle a lot.
Kim: Yeah, we did. I don't- okay, so here's the thing about that. We've claimed in the past that it's a struggle to find Valentine's fics. And I don't know if, like, we were just wrong [Sequoia laughs] or if fanfiction.net has changed their search algorithm or something, but this time when I went to fanfiction.net and typed in Valentine into the search bar, I got plenty of usable stuff.
Sequoia Simone: Great!
Kim: Easily.
Sequoia Simone: That's good to hear.
Kim: So I like...
Sequoia Simone: I feel like we have said in the past like, oh, well, you know, if we can do a Valentine's Day episode ever again...
Kim: Yeah! We didn't plan to do one this year because I was like, I don't know that I'm going to be able to find anything cause it's been so hard in the past. So we did not invite either of our regular special episode guests.
Sequoia Simone: We did not. We did not.
Kim: It's just the two of us.
Sequoia Simone: And that's on us, that's on us.
Kim: Sorry everyone.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: And then I was like, and I even think I have something that I could use for next year. So, like, I don't know, man.
Sequoia Simone: Wow.
Kim: Yeah...
Sequoia Simone: That's really great to hear, because it feels like... That's the thing is like when you're saying like, Oh, it's getting hard for us to find squid stuff, of course it's getting hard for us to find squid stuff. Like, duh. But when you say that about Valentine's, I'm like, that can't be real...
Kim: It feels wrong, right?
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, exactly. It feels incorrect. So I'm glad that we were wrong, for whatever reason that we were wrong.
Kim: I was just in a different mood this year. I searched Valentine instead of Valentine's. I don't know.
Sequoia Simone: I don't know. I don't know. I've gone in, in the past I've gone as far as to search Valentine's related, like, keyword searches [laughs].
Kim: Oh, yeah. Like cupid. Candy hearts.
Sequoia Simone: Cupid. Oh, exactly. Exactly. And it's been hard. So I'm very, I'm very pleased that you've found not only one, but two fan fictions for us today. Both of these titles are great already.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: I'm very excited. So, I mean, we don't really... Listeners, you know we talked for 700 years at the beginning of last episode.
Kim: We were having a problem.
Sequoia Simone: We were having a problem, and now we don't have anything to talk about today [laughs].
Kim: Couldn't save any of those announcements for this one.
Sequoia Simone: Couldn't have done that. That might have been smart. But, come on...
Kim: No one would ever... You know what, you could even edit them out of that episode and drop them in here right now.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, no. No, no. [both laugh] No, I could not. I could not.
Kim: Oh, very funny, very good.
Sequoia Simone: So we get to just sort of jump into fanfiction today, which is probably good. Because there's two of them.
Kim: That's probably a good thing, yeah. I've got two and they're both...This was going to be a long episode. [Sequoia laughs] And it probably still is even without a ton of bullshit at the top. So...
Sequoia Simone: Okay great! Listeners we're doing predictions. Get your predictions in. You can answer our story on Instagram, you can email them to us, you can hire a Skywriter to do all three of your predictions in the sky. Or you, if you are a patron on Patreon, make sure to get those into the discord.
Kim: Yeah, bud.
Sequoia Simone: What are my clues?
Kim: Clue number one is the title. The title of this one is called [ominously] "Give Me Your Heart".
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] I wasn't reading it in the tone that you just read it...
Kim: [mock surprise] What?
Sequoia Simone: And now all of a sudden it feels threatening. [both laugh]
Kim: Give it to me!
Sequoia Simone: Give me... Your heart!
Kim: The time period is post Goblet of Fire!
Sequoia Simone: Grrrrrrreat.
Kim: And the genre is romance.
Sequoia Simone: Give me your heart.... I am guessing that someone is going to receive some kind of a heart shaped candy.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia Simone: I gotta spread these out. I can't have just the same three predictions on both of these [laughs].
Kim: You can! You totally can.
Sequoia Simone: I could. I guess I could. I'm going to guess a pairing.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia Simone: A Valentine's Day fic post Goblet of Fire. I am going to go with RonMione.
Kim: Good choice. Good choice.
Sequoia Simone: And there's going to be a secret admirer in this fan fiction.
Kim: Nice. Those are some good Valentine's guesses. Good tries all around. Here we go. This is, Give Me Your Heart.
Sequoia Simone: Give it to me.
Kim: He sighed. [laughs] Why do we start this way? [Sequoia laughs] It is weird. Hogwarts was taking some stupid tradition from an American muggle high school.
Sequoia Simone: Fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh, there was so - there was a whole list that didn't even occur to my brain. And now I'm like, Oh, shit, hell, damn.
Kim: We are going to need to talk about this tradition soon...
Sequoia Simone: Okay? Okay. Yeah.
Kim: Once we have revealed what the fuck it is, cause like...
Sequoia Simone: Great. Great, great, great. I have several ideas about what it could be.
Kim: Hogwarts was taking some stupid tradition from an American muggle high school. Why? He had no idea. But if anyone hated Valentine's Day, it was him.
Sequoia Simone: Oh shit! A Valentine's curmudgeon?!
Kim: Who can imagine?!
Sequoia Simone: Oh damn [laughs]!
Kim: I will admit, I said it was relatively easy to find stuff this year, but I did actually have to read quite a lot of Valentine's stuff before I settled on these two.
Sequoia Simone: Right.
Kim: And almost 100% of them are valentines curmudgeon's mind is changed fics.
Sequoia Simone: Of the fan fictions that you read?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia Simone: Daaaaang.
Kim: Every single one of them. Valentine's curmudgeon. It's just kind of like who is the Valentine's curmudgeon today? It could be anyone. [Sequoia laughs] They all seem to be this structure. And I was like, this is a little weird. I know we don't like Valentine's Day, but, like, what's happening?
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, we, we get it.
Kim: All right. Who is he Sequoia? Do you want to guess who our Valentines curmudgeon is this time? It's a he.
Sequoia Simone: It's a he... I'm guessing that it is. Um. I'm going to guess that it is not a person who's gone to a muggle school. So I'm going to guess that it's... I'm gonna guess it's Ron, I'm going to stick with that.
Kim: Good guess. Harry Potter, the reluctant boy who lived.
Sequoia Simone: Goddamnit! [both laugh].
Kim: Sorry, it's Harry today.
Sequoia Simone: [singsong] Goddamnit.
Kim: Harry Potter, the reluctant boy who lived...
Sequoia Simone: Of course.
Kim: Was he reluctant about living? [Sequoia laughs].
Sequoia Simone: I guess he's not the reluctant boy who lived, he's the reluctant chosen one. You have to, like, really...
Kim: Yeah, it's different.
Sequoia Simone: It's different.
Kim: The Gryffindor's golden boy had black untameable- [Sequoia laughing] what?
Sequoia Simone: What was there quotation marks around "golden boy"?
Kim: [sarcastically] Golden boyyyyy.
Sequoia Simone: Cause you were really gesticulating wildly.
Kim: Yeah, I gotta hit them. I gotta- if I don't do them physically I can't hit it verbally.
Sequoia Simone: In the voice. Okay. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Make sense. Okay. He was looking like he looks...
Kim: Harry Potter had black, untamable hair that hung a bit past his ears and large green eyes.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. Every time there's, somebody says large eyes, all of a sudden they're inhumanly large in my brain and I cannot I get it out of there.
Kim: Yeah, suddenly they're an anime character. Same.
Sequoia Simone: They are an anime character 100%.
Kim: The reason he hated Valentine's was the whole reason for the holiday, love.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, he's a he's a full on hater of love. Harry hates love.
Kim: Yeah. Something he'd never had enormous luck with.
Sequoia Simone: I just... [laughs]
Kim: Unlucky in love, Harry Potter. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: I just, like, post book four, I guess.
Kim: Post book four, yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, I guess.
Kim: I think it's very seeable at that point in time that he could continue to have been unlucky in love.
Sequoia Simone: Right.
Kim: Very funny. He was in his sixth year at school and had never gone out with anyone.
Sequoia Simone: Womp, womp.
Kim: But there was a good reason for that.
Sequoia Simone: Oh!
Kim: They don't tell us at this point in time, but, you know...
Sequoia Simone: Oh no! [laughs] Do we get the reason like later or we just never going to...
Kim: There's a good reason why he hasn't gone out with anyone.
Sequoia Simone: It's because he's...
Kim: He's the chosen one.
Sequoia Simone: He's the chosen- he's the boy who lived. [both laugh].
Kim: It's because he lived. Dang it. If he died, he could have gone out with Cedric's ghost!
Sequoia Simone: Really popular with the ghosts, really popular with the ghosts.
Kim: So he hates valentines because of love and he's unlucky in love.
Sequoia Simone: Right.
Kim: Another reason Harry hated Valentine's was that he preferred men over women any day of the week.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, you brought me a Drarry. [Kim: snorts] You brought me a Valentine's Drarry, didn't you?
Kim: [wheezing unconvincingly] what, what?
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] Didn't you?
Kim: He could be paired with anyone Sequoia! What... what... who's to say it's...
Sequoia Simone: Sure, sure. Sure, sure, sure. I mean, it's not beyond you to bring me a HarryRon, but it is a Valentine's Day fanfiction, and I just assume.
Kim: He prefers men over women. I don't know that that's another reason why he would hate Valentine's, I think that's just kind of like, I don't know... unlucky in love, gay. I don't know.
Sequoia Simone: Right. He's gay, there's like ten wizards. It's... Yeah, it's hard out there.
Kim: And having a significant number more women fans than men was not as much fun for Harry.
Sequoia Simone: Hmm. Right. Right. Beloved by the witches. Listen, Harry, you're going to be fine. You're going to do fine. You're the chosen one.
Kim: Yeah. But the fans weren't any good either… And I don't exactly know what they meant by that. I think maybe they weren't any good for dating? Because they're fans of his and he feels weird about it, is what I speculate?
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, I mean probably. Or that he just like doesn't like having fans at all.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: Like having fans no good. Two thumbs down - Harry Potter.
Kim: He's the reluctant boy who lived [laughs].
Sequoia Simone: Right, exactly.
Kim: So the fans aren't any good. Yes, he had destroyed Voldemort last year.
Sequoia Simone: Oh!
Kim: We're in sixth year.
Sequoia Simone: We're in sixth year and he's already defeated Voldemort?!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: I think I - honestly, though, I think that this is often a Drarry set up is to be like, the war is over. Yeah, post war.
Kim: Draco's good now... Stuff happened during the war. Non-specific stuff happened with Draco during the war and now he's gonna date harry.
Sequoia Simone: He did something good, and now they're together. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, I think so. He had destroyed Voldemort last year, but at a large cost and with significant help. So he seems a little resentful towards his fans. He's like, look, I didn't do it by myself. I'm just Harry.
Sequoia Simone: It's very Harry.
Kim: Also, why are you all women? I am gay. [Sequoia laughs] Or at least with a strong male preference. I don't know. They weren't specific.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: He sat down and groaned once more. Because he opened the story, sighing heavily.
Sequoia Simone: Right. [both laugh]
Kim: For this stupid tradition, everyone had a heart with their name pinned on it and couldn't talk to anyone except when they were in class, or else they had to give their heart to the person they spoke to.
Sequoia Simone: Ooooooohhhhhh.
Kim: And here's the thing about this tradition. The author claims that this happened at their school...
Sequoia Simone: Weird...
Kim: And at first I was like, no fucking way, this is so weird. And then I was like, wait a second, that would be a really good way to get all the kids to shut the fuck up all day.
Sequoia Simone: Shut the fuck up...Oh...
Kim: Absolute silence in the hallways. You're only allowed to talk to one person and you have to give them your heart.
Sequoia Simone: And that's, that's like a spectacle.
Kim: The author also said that this was only the girls that had to do this, which is also fucking buckwild while not okay.
Sequoia Simone: That is, what?! What? What?
Kim: I mean, it does - Okay. So it's buckwild, like, really weird. Kind of hard to believe, but also early 2000s, maybe?
Sequoia Simone: Maybe. I mean, yeah. Nothing like this - I don't remember anything like this ever happening to me.
Kim: No.
Sequoia Simone: Or like, at any of the schools around me that I had, like, friends at and stuff.
Kim: I've never of this.
Sequoia Simone: So, like, I've never heard of this before. It seems unlikely.
Kim: When I was in junior high I think, there was like a fundraiser where you could send candy and a valentine to a person.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, yeah, Yeah. We did that in middle school and in high school. I think you could do that.
Kim: So, yeah, I remember like, being able to exchange Valentines and, I mean, like when you were in elementary, you would have a Valentines party and give out Valentines.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, had a little, you decorate a box and people would put valentines in there.
Kim: But nothing like this.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, I've never heard of anything like this before. Also, does it have a, have a magical component?
Kim: No, it doesn't.
Sequoia Simone: Seems to be just like honor code [laughs].
Kim: Yeah, it is honor code.
Sequoia Simone: That's funny, because I feel like when you do something like that, people are just like, no.
Kim: Yeah. This is dumb we're not gonna do this.
Sequoia Simone: You know, like, especially like 16 year olds are like, absolutely not [laughs].
Kim: Right? Unless this was - it would make more sense for this to be magical, I think.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, for sure.
Kim: But it's not. It's just a weird tradition. If this happened at your school, please tell us.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, please let us know!
Kim: Or if you did any weird Valentines stuff? I want to hear about it.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, because this is bizarre to me.
Kim: Anyway. So those are the rules of the Valentine's tradition they've adopted from a muggle high school from America.
Sequoia Simone: Dumbledore is just making this shit up [laughs].
Kim: I think so. Fucking Dumbledore. Harry supposed he could just be antisocial like he wanted to be half the time. But this, like other things, was much easier said than done.
Sequoia Simone: Oh.
Kim: He's thinking maybe I just won't talk to anyone today. I don't want to do this, this is stupid.
Sequoia Simone: Right.
Kim: He had girls all over him on the way to the first class and had to run for his life to transfiguration.
Sequoia Simone: Are they trying to get him to talk to them?
Kim: Yeah, if you like tackle him and he screams that counts. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: I was about to say there's a lot of ways to do that. Yeah, you're just like a sharp elbow to the stomach on accident. You know, that'd be good.
Kim: Yeah, and then you have Harry Potter's heart.
Sequoia Simone: Or you just, like, straight up... He's carrying, what, like a book bag or something? Take it.
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia Simone: Take it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: Start running down the hallway. And then he's like, "Hey! Wait!".
Kim: And then you have his heart.
Sequoia Simone: And then you have his heart. Then you own it. [both laugh]
Kim: Forever. Luckily, Professor McGonagall didn't make fun of him for his disheveled robes. Would she make fun of him? [laughs] Seems out of character.
Sequoia Simone: I don't think so. Yeah. [laughs] She might, like, actively be concerned, to be honest.
Kim: He comes in panting, all disheveled.
Sequoia Simone: Your like, do to get Harry Potter like some kind of a bodyguard?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia Simone: Through this scenario?
Kim: Why is Ron not helping him?
Sequoia Simone: Ron thinks it's fucking funny [laughing].
Kim: Ron's too busy laughing, yeah, Ron's laughing.
Sequoia Simone: Ron's laughing, but he's also like, Oh, I wish I was being mobbed by girls trying to get my attention. But also, it is funny that it's happening to Harry.
Kim: Yes, Ron is of a split opinion. Harry noticed Malfoy looking at him, but his glasses must have been blurred because he could have sworn he was smiling. Malfoy? Smile?! He only smirks.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Another one of my favorite fanfiction bits.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: Whenever it's like, what?!
Kim: Slytherins? Being nice? Being happy?
Sequoia Simone: A genuine smile?! Absolutely not. Couldn't be them.
Kim: Slytherin's never smile! He left that classroom early because McGonigal noticed he needed to.
Sequoia Simone: She is trying to help.
Kim: Yeah, she's helping.
Sequoia Simone: She is concerned.
Kim: She's like, this is a wild thing that Dumbledore has done. I am so sorry this is happening to you, Harry.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] She really, she is not on board.
Kim: He sat in the dark closet and was almost late for potions because some girl said she heard him speak to her, which was not true.
Sequoia Simone: See, this is why you need the magical component also.
Kim: Yeah, it would adjudicate stuff like that for sure. For sure, for sure.
Sequoia Simone: Exactly. Exactly.
Kim: Yeah. Why did - he got to leave early...
Sequoia Simone: Also what's to stop anybody... What's to stop anybody from just ripping it off of his chest?
Kim: Summoning it. Magically.
Sequoia Simone: Summoning it magically!
Kim: I don't know, man. Sportsmanship.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. Like, this is like, capture the flag or whatever.
Kim: It's like a game. [both laugh].
Sequoia Simone: Yeah!
Kim: Oh, that's funny. So it was not true that some he'd talked to some random girl. He didn't like girls. Why would he give his heart to one?
Sequoia Simone: Exactly.
Kim: He came into potions and noticed everyone was paired up with different people. Except for Malfoy.
Sequoia Simone: [gasp] So now he has- because he was late, now he has to be Malfoys his partner. I love that.
Kim: "Ah. Mr. Potter. 20 points from Gryffindor. You-".
Sequoia Simone: Shit dude.
Kim: Yeah. That's a lot. "You will be paired with Mr. Malfoy for this truth potion today. Go. Sit."
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Truth potion...
Kim: Truth potion, yeah.
Sequoia Simone: Truth potion.
Kim: Spoiler alert, truth potion is not going to come into it.
Sequoia Simone: Ah, damn it [laughs].
Kim: I know. "Yes, Professor Snape." His eyes locked with Malfoys and he sighed lightly. Not only was it Valentine's Day, but he had to deal with Malfoy.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, but Malfoy is hooooooooooooot.
Kim: He's smiling [giggles]. Malfoy, though, was surprisingly polite. He quietly chopped and stirred and sprinkled and whatnot. They finished first without blowing something up. Which was rather nice for Harry.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. Harry I don't think is good at potions.
Kim: Harry, I think, is fine at it...
Sequoia Simone: Harry's very middling at potions. And Draco is good at them.
Kim: Maybe.
Sequoia Simone: Probably.
Kim: Draco is told he is good at them by Snape. [Sequoia laughs].
Sequoia Simone: That, that actually might be two different things, yeah.
Kim: Yes. "Hey, Potter." "Yeah." "Still got that ridiculous heart. And I thought your screaming fans would have stolen it away by now."
Sequoia Simone: So did I, Draco. So did I.
Kim: Yeah. "They tried, believe me. But I don't... I don't want that? I want..." "To be just Harry, not the boy who lived. I understand."
Sequoia Simone: Oh. [laughs] Are we having, like, a genuine heart to heart in the middle of the potions classroom probably?
Kim: We are. We are. Weird isn't it?
Sequoia Simone: Oh, that's good. Who's - what pairing of people making potions is right next to them. [Kim: laughs] Is it Crabbe and Goyle on one side? Probably.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: And then I like- the other side I would like to have a little bit more like of a Lavender Brown and Seamus Finnegan scenario.
Kim: Okay. Do you think they're evesdropping?
Sequoia Simone: Listening in.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia Simone: I think they are hard core eavesdropping. [both laugh]
Kim: That's funny. Maybe it's, you know, the truth potion fumes are bringing something out.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, that's true. That's true.
Kim: You know, I claimed it didn't come into it, but maybe it does somehow.
Sequoia Simone: Maybe it does.
Kim: So Malfoy has just claimed he understands what Harry's going through, which sounds fake. Harry Potter's mouth hung wide open and he gaped. "How?" It's not that hard to imagine, Harry. You whine about this, you bitch and moan about your fans constantly.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. This is [laughs] common knowledge.
Kim: "You think it's hard to be expected to save the world? Try having been expected to destroy it."
Sequoia Simone: Oh, my God, Draco...
Kim: Poor me. I'm Draco. [Sequoia laughs] I made bad life choices and now I want your pity. Boo hoo.
Sequoia Simone: Boo hoo Draco.
Kim: "You want to be someone who didn't do anything special. Someone normal. I want it too. To be considered a regular kid who wasn't in any way involved with that stupid war. Who wasn't on the bad side, you know?"
Sequoia Simone: So he definitely was on the bad side.
Kim: Yuuuuup.
Sequoia Simone: Is what I'm getting out of that.
Kim: Yup. [Sequoia laughs] But that's all water under the bridge, Sequoia.
Sequoia Simone: That was a whole year ago.
Kim: Oh it was so, who could even remember at this point? Who cursed whom...
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] Who pledged themselves to the Dark Lord and who didn't...
Kim: Who currently has a dark mark tattoo showing cause my sleeves are rolled up...
Sequoia Simone: Exactly!
Kim: Who's to say! [both laugh] Boo hoo, poor me, says Draco.
Sequoia Simone: Right.
Kim: [laughs] Eat shit. [Sequoia laughs] Harry nodded slowly, picking up his things to leave class. Maybe Malfoy wasn't so bad. Wild that Harry got that from that speech.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] That's not what I took away from the speech.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia Simone: But, you know, sure.
Kim: He's really hot-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t.
Sequoia Simone: He's, yeah, so many t's.
Kim: Yep. He walked out the door slowly looking both ways for Valentine attackers.
Sequoia Simone: Gotta look up too.
Kim: Yeah. You got to look up. Going to get jumped. "Oh, and Potter..." He heard Malfoys familiar drawl at his side. "Yeah Malfoy?" "Give me that heart. You just spoke to me."
Sequoia Simone: Oh, got em! Absolutely fucking got em! Nice!
Kim: He did. Harry you did not stay frosty enough, my dude.
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] Shit yeah.
Kim: You got, got.
Sequoia Simone: Got, GOT!
Kim: "I'll see you." He gently unpinned the big red paper heart off of Harry Potter's chest and smiled softly. "That was cheap." [both laugh] Draco nodded. "So, will this be- but I'm not complaining." He leaned in and kissed the Gryffindor's lips softly.
Sequoia Simone: Daaaaaaamn!
Kim: Just fucking going for it.
Sequoia Simone: There is no... [cackles] Oooookay.
Kim: No build up. He smiled at him once earlier today, and they had one civil conversation where Draco was like, I'm the pitiable one in this situation. [both laugh] Now they're kissing.
Sequoia Simone: Where Draco was like, like, at worst I'm the pitiable one in this situation, and at best we are equal.
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh] Oh, so funny. Now they're kissing.
Sequoia Simone: Damn. Now they're - naturally.
Kim: "Happy Valentine's, Harry." Harry grinned, flushing. "You too, Draco." And that it was, a happy Valentine's Day.
Sequoia Simone: And now we've cured the Valentine's curmudgeon. The end. Right?
Kim: Yeah, Yeah. We get, we get an authors note explaining that the thing was from their school, and just the girls had to do it, but obviously they had to change that because that wouldn't work with this story.
Sequoia Simone: Right.
Kim: Cause Harry needed to have one. And then they say, Happy Valentine's to those of you who like it and happy anti Valentine's Day to those who are single or dislike Valentine's with a passion.
Sequoia Simone: This story is for everybody okay [laughs].
Kim: It's for everybody! Happy Anti Valentine's Day.
Sequoia Simone: No matter what... Anti-valentine's day. Oh, that's good. I have a question about the mechanics of this exercise.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia Simone: So if I walk up to Harry in the hallway and I say, Harry what's that on your face? In an attempt to make Harry speak to me... Does he get my heart?
Kim: Yeah. I don't get it dude. Draco didn't give Harry his heart and I don't understand how that happened.
Sequoia Simone: I don't understand the mechanics because I... But I like the idea that every one of these girls who came up and talked to Harry to try and get him to talk to them...
Kim: Can't talk to anyone else today and Harry's got a stack of hearts.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, and had to give their heart, yeah, and not a stack of hearts they're pinned to you. So I feel like his whole robe is just covered. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, I kind of, I really wish this had been magical, because then, like, they would be, like, papered all over him because they would be summoned to you.
Sequoia Simone: Exactly.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: Exactly. Yeah.
Kim: I don't know, man. It's silly.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, I don't- [laughs] the mechanics don't make any sense and I love it.
Kim: I read this and I was like this is a wild thing for any school to have done. And this is working really strangely. I must read this to Sequoia.
Sequoia Simone: Especially because, like, if your goal hypothetically as a teacher or a person putting this into effect is to make all the kids shut up, really what you've done is created one very specific noise problem. And that problem is wherever Harry is. So instead of dispersing the noise evenly...[laughs] You've just, you just made it concentrated on one point.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia Simone: Which, you know, like, maybe the- [laughs] maybe that's better, maybe that's worse. Who knows? Also, how many words was that story?
Kim: Like a thousand? I don't know.
Sequoia Simone: Okay. I just love, I love any story that's going to get Harry and Draco from opposite sides of the war...
Kim: 800. It was 800 words.
Sequoia Simone: To making out in 800 words.
Kim: Yeah. You got to, you got to move. If that's your goal.
Sequoia Simone: You really gotta...[laughs].
Kim: You got to be moving.
Sequoia Simone: Got gotta want it.
Kim: You've got to want it. That's true.
Sequoia Simone: Amazing. I didn't get any points.
Kim: No. Good try, though.
Sequoia Simone: Damn it.
Kim: You ready for another one?
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: This one is called Singles Awareness Day.
Sequoia Simone: [heavy sigh] Yep. Yep. Yes, it is. [laughs]
Kim: What's this time period? June 2005. This one is like a month before Half-Blood Prince dropped.
Sequoia Simone: Interesting.
Kim: I love these Valentines stories that come, like, come out in like the middle of June.
Sequoia Simone: Not on Valentine's Day. Yeah.
Kim: Love it. Love to see it. This one does not have genre tags. I would tag it humor and romance.
Sequoia Simone: Great, great, great. I mean is it- [laughs] is it acceptable for me to predict that there's going to be a Valentine's curmudgeon?
Kim: No. You need to be more specific.
Sequoia Simone: Like who the Valentine's Day curmudgeon is?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: Okay.
Kim: I told you already that I read tons of stories and they all had the same thing in them. You must guess.
Sequoia Simone: I know. And it's called Singles Awareness Day. This is just... Okay. Prediction number one, the Valentine's curmudgeon in this story is Hermione Granger.
Kim: Nice guess.
Sequoia Simone: Prediction number two, there's a Valentine's dance in this fanfiction.
Kim: Another common theme.
Sequoia Simone: Trying to decide which one from my last bit to use. Because neither of them were true. I'm going to, I'm going to reuse secret admirer.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: You think singles Awareness Day is going to include a secret admirer.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. You get the Valentine's curmudgeon who's like, I hate Valentine's Day, and then they get chocolates on their pillow or whatever, and they're like, who could this be from? And the chocolate on the pillow were like, I want you to come to the dance with me, meet me underneath the 17th chandelier at 12:30.
Kim: Look, I read several stories like that. [both laugh] Maybe this is one of them. Oh, man. Okay, so we start this off with an author's note that says the term Singles Awareness Day belongs to TSB. The reason I am starting us off with this because, is because my Google fu was not good enough to figure out what the fuck TSB is.
Sequoia Simone: Like t-dot-s-dot-b? Or just TSB?
Kim: All caps TSB. So I don't know.
Sequoia Simone: Interesting. I mean, also that, they could be crediting it to like another author...
Kim: Maybe.
Sequoia Simone: Or one of their friends or something that they heard say it.
Kim: That's true.
Sequoia Simone: Even though that's not where it probably began.
Kim: I feel like it's like a TV show or a book. And I just, I don't know what it is.
Sequoia Simone: Got to be a piece of media. Yeah.
Kim: So if you know what this piece of media could have been in the 2005 ish zone, let me know. I'm just curious. Anyway, let's go ahead and read Singles Awareness Day now. We start off with a header. Our beloved but bitter Ron's P.O.V.
Sequoia Simone: Fuuuuck right off. [both laugh]
Kim: I had you predict the Valentine's curmudgeon in the last story, and you did say Ron.
Sequoia Simone: I did.
Kim: I thought you might reuse it.
Sequoia Simone: And I switched it up.
Kim: Sucks to be you.
Sequoia Simone: I know.
Kim: Valentine's Day or Singles Awareness Day, as I like to call it.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Of course he does. That's one that I just like, wouldn't put past Ron.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia Simone: You're like yeah, he would, he would say that.
Kim: Ron is totally a curmudgeon about everything all the time. Valentine's 100% so... I think he's a Valentine's curmudgeon in the books even.
Sequoia Simone: I can't remember specifically, but for sure.
Kim: It's the bloody stupidest day of the year. And of course, it's the most beloved day of the year besides Christmas.
Sequoia Simone: Is it? [laughs].
Kim: Maybe?
Sequoia Simone: I don't think so.
Kim: You don't think so?
Sequoia Simone: No. But I mean, I guess specific day, maybe... No!
Kim: No?
Sequoia Simone: It can't be. [laughs]
Kim: What's a more popular holiday than- less popular than Christmas, more popular than Valentine's.
Sequoia Simone: Easter.
Kim: No.
Sequoia Simone: No? Uh, Arbor Day. [laughs]
Kim: [sarcastically] Yup.
Sequoia Simone: Maybe it is Valentine's Day, yeah.
Kim: I think it is dude. Or Halloween.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, Halloween.
Kim: I don't know. I think that you've got two camps, though. You've split the vote.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, yeah.
Kim: Valentines camp, Halloween camp.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Votes split. [Sequoia laughs] Anyway, fucking Valentine's Day, says Ron. Maybe. And it's three days away.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, it's not even that day and he's already pissed about it? [laughs]
Kim: He's already complaining about it. Yes.
Sequoia Simone: Amazing.
Kim: It's February 11th and he's like, fuck. [Sequoia laughs] All right, we get another header now. General P.O.V. starring the anti love holiday boy, Ron Weasley. [Sequoia laughs] I don't know why we're denoting the P.O.Vs in this way.
Sequoia Simone: I like it, though.
Kim: It's weird and I like it.
Sequoia Simone: I really like it.
Kim: Sighing Ron sat up and gave a strangled yelp. The whole room was brilliant pink.
Sequoia Simone: Amazing.
Kim: With enchanted red pepper hearts floating in the air. It's the Gryffindor boys dorm.
Sequoia Simone: Amazing. Is this a prank? Is this on purpose?
Kim: It's pretty. The rest of the Gryffindor boys were already out of the room.
Sequoia Simone: They woke up and were immediately like, UGHHHHH. [both laugh]
Kim: You say that but... Fuming, Ron pulled on some clothes and burst out of the room as if the girly pinkness was suffocating him.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, God, Ron...
Kim: "What did you guys do to the room?" Ron demanded.
Sequoia Simone: Where is he? Where is he? What does he burst into?
Kim: The Gryffindor common room.
Sequoia Simone: Okay.
Kim: He runs down the commonroom like, what the fuck is going on? Seamus, Dean, Harry and Neville stood in the common room looking up at the balcony over which Ron was leaning. Seamus grinned, crookedly and stepped forward, getting on one knee. His hand stretched toward Ron.
Sequoia Simone: My God.
Kim: Ronnie-o, Ronnie-o. Wherefore art thou, Ronnie-o?
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Stupid!
Kim: Deny thy father and refuse thy name. For if thou wilt and I will no longer be a Finnigan. Seamus called dramatically.
Sequoia Simone: Wow. He knows. He really, like that's... that was, he went further in than I assumed he was going to go.
Kim: [laughs] He did! He did quite a bit of it.
Sequoia Simone: He's, he's doing it as a joke. But did he.... probably...
Kim: The Hogwarts Drama Club did do Romeo and Juliet.
Sequoia Simone: For sure.
Kim: As their play over the winter holiday, why not? I'm making it up right now. Blaise played Juliet. Seamus played Romeo. So, you know...
Sequoia Simone: Or... [laughs]
Kim: What?
Sequoia Simone: Or somebody else played Romeo and Seamus was their understudy. [both laugh] Amazing.
Kim: Who else would you have play Romeo?
Sequoia Simone: Draco.
Kim: Ugh, boring. Draco was Mercutio.
Sequoia Simone: Okay, valid. Okay, valid. Fine!
Kim: Or Paris.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, maybe Dean's Romeo.
Kim: OooooOOoooo.
Sequoia Simone: I think that might be good. [laughs]
Kim: I like that too. Anyway... [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Let's cast Romeo and Juliet.
Kim: Sorry everyone... No what I thought... Oh, well. [laughs] So Seamus does that. Ron suddenly noticed that the four boys were wearing pink T-shirts that said, We Support V-Day on the back in, heaven forbid, red cursive.
Sequoia Simone: We support V-Day.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, okay.
Kim: These guys are going all in on a bit to bother Ron because he's been bitching about Valentine's Day for the last week and a half.
Sequoia Simone: For like, a month.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: Just an absurdly long time. Listen, as we say, as we have always said, there's nothing we respect more than commitment to the bit. And this is high commit.
Kim: Yeah, they-
Sequoia Simone: Who do you think is the ringleader?
Kim: Harry.
Sequoia Simone: Probably.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: But Dean designed the shirts.
Kim: Yes, Dean designed the shirts. Exactly. And they all worked together on the room.
Sequoia Simone: Yes, yes, yes. Very quietly. While Ron was asleep, apparently.
Kim: "Shut up, Finnigan," Ron grumbled, stomping down the steps. "What devilry possessed you to do that to the room?" He demanded.
Sequoia Simone: They're possessed by the spirit of Valentine's Day.
Kim: Oh wait, we're going to get, we're going to get an answer to your who's the ringleader? Here we go. Harry smiled brightly. That would be Hermione.
Sequoia Simone: Amazing. Better than I ever could have hoped. Thank you.
Kim: Hermione's like, I'm fucking sick of Ron bitching about this constantly. Let's fucking get him. Hermione entered on cue and gave a brilliant smile. Ron noticed that she was wearing the same pink shirt that the guys were wearing.
Sequoia Simone: That was my follow up question. Thank you, author.
Kim: Yes, they are all wearing the shirt.
Sequoia Simone: Amazing.
Kim: Silly. "Morning, Ron." she said cheerfully. She pulled her hands out from behind her back and held out something. "No. No way. There's no way in hell I'm wearing that."
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, it's a shirt. It's definitely a shirt. Make him put it on!
Kim: And then we get another header that says... And I should be clear, they have not distinguished these headers in any way. They are the same as the rest of the text.
Sequoia Simone: Same font, same... Yeah.
Kim: They seem like headers.
Sequoia Simone: They probably are.
Kim: A more than slightly ticked off Ron, along with the Gryffindor boys and Hermione.
Sequoia Simone: Okay.
Kim: We're transitioning vignettes.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, okay. Okay.
Kim: "I can't believe I'm wearing this." Ron, grumbled. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: That's really good.
Kim: They made him wear the shirt.
Sequoia Simone: That's really good, I love it. I really hoped he was going to wear the shirt.
Kim: Yes, very good. Ron grumbled darkly, glaring at his friends. They had forced him into the devil incarnate, which came in the form of the notorious pink shirt. Which was so evil that Ron was thinking about it in capitals.
Sequoia Simone: Ron. Ron. You're being overly dramatic about this and it is only making it more fun for your friends to torture you. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, it's making it worse for you. "Cheer up, Ron. You look cute." Ron glowered at his... And then the story does clarify that Harry is very gay right here.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, okay.
Kim: Ron glowered at his gay best friend who grinned flippantly back at him.
Sequoia Simone: Great. Great, great, great.
Kim: "You are toying with death, dear Harry." he said, his voice sickly sweet. Harry smiled, but took a few steps away from his fuming friend. "Weasley, what the hell are you wearing?"
Sequoia Simone: Incredible. Thank you, Draco.
Kim: [laughs] Draco's here now! Ron looked up and his heart dropped into his stomach. Draco Malfoy, the 'god he's hot' boy of Slytherin.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, my God!
Kim: What?
Sequoia Simone: You did not.
Kim: What?!
Sequoia Simone: You did not!
Kim: [laughs] What? I don't know what you're talking about.
Sequoia Simone: [laugh crying] You did not.
Kim: I don't know what you're talking about.
Sequoia Simone: Dron?! [laughs]
Kim: [mock innocence] What?
Sequoia Simone: This is the most amazing turn this story could have possibly taken.
Kim: Dron?!
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: It is definitely a surprise. Draco Malfoy, the 'god he's hot' boy of Slytherin was looking him over. Ron glared at him. He's giving him the old uppy downy.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] That's what they call it. [both laugh]
Kim: I'm up on the lingo, you know.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: "I am not wearing it out of free will, Malfoy." He replied heatedly, trying not to blush.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, Ron, keep it together.
Kim: Cause of the uppy downy.
Sequoia Simone: Right. Yeah. [both laugh] The uppy downy... I hate that.
Kim: However, his ears were permanently turning red. Draco glanced over Ron once more...
Sequoia Simone: [disapprovingly] Draco!
Kim: Uppy Downy. [Sequoia laughs] Taking in the tight pink t-shirt and his too tight jeans.
Sequoia Simone: Why are his jeans also too tight?
Kim: It's 2005. Duh.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Right. No, that's a super valid point. That's a super valid point. I do like to think, though, that his- they did purposefully order his shirt to be a little bit tight.
Kim: I think it's not only a little too tight, I bet it's kind of like a little short, too.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, yeah. It's got to be a little short too.
Kim: It's a little small.
Sequoia Simone: They probably did that just in order to, like, turn up the embarrassment factor. But it's having an effect that they did not anticipate. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, this kind of... who could have seen this coming? [both laugh] "No. You look hot, Weasley." He's said, whistling appreciatively.
Sequoia Simone: Wow.
Kim: Wow, Draco.
Sequoia Simone: You just, you really are picking them... [laughs]
Kim: What?
Sequoia Simone: Just going straight at it today.
Kim: I picked two really short ones. We gotta - Draco's gotta fucking move.
Sequoia Simone: Draco is bold! [both laugh] Amazing.
Kim: I mean, this one's doing it because it's a silly story, but the, you know...
Sequoia Simone: Right. Yeah.
Kim: Ron's jaw dropped and the red and his ears spread over his cheeks as well.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, no. His whole body, he is just one... [laughs] one blush.
Kim: I mean, he was not ready to be called hot by Draco.
Sequoia Simone: No.
Kim: "See," Harry said, grinning over at his best friend, "Valentine's Day is awesome." [both laugh] It's funny to me that we have specified that Harry is gay today.
Sequoia Simone: Right.
Kim: No Drarry.
Sequoia Simone: No.
Kim: And we're not going to get any follow up on that, I don't think.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, dang.
Kim: It's just, you know, Ron's gay. Harry's gay. We're all gay today.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, everybody's gay.
Kim: All right. We get another header. An incredibly embarrassed and lovestruck run and company. "Oh, that's so cute!" Hermione giggled, glancing from Ron to Draco Malfoy.
Sequoia Simone: Oh God. Hermione, no, you are just... Why are you... [laughs].
Kim: Who is... [giggles] giving Ron rather suggestive glances from the Slytherin table.
Sequoia Simone: Oh God.
Kim: What is Draco doing over at the Slytherin table?
Sequoia Simone: What is Draco doing? What does that mean?
Kim: I think he's eating his breakfast very sexually at Ron.
Sequoia Simone: Yes. That makes sense.
Kim: I will not elaborate.
Sequoia Simone: We all know. [laughs] I don't think you need to elaborate.
Kim: All right, good.
Sequoia Simone: I think he's, I think he's probably also waggling his eyebrows in a very Riccardo like manner.
Kim: I think so. [both laugh] "That's so cute. You've liked him for, what, a year now?" "Shut up, Mione." Ron hissed. "He'll hear you."
Sequoia Simone: No, he won't he's very far away.
Kim: But it was obviously too late...
Sequoia Simone: He did??
Kim: For Draco's smirk had widened and he stood up.
Sequoia Simone: Oh shit.
Kim: Hermione screamed that. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: He's really far away. Like, she had to be so loud.
Kim: Yes. Yes.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, she's doing it. It's all part of the plan.
Kim: You think?
Sequoia Simone: It's all part of the plan. Oh, yeah.
Kim: Hermione, put this whole thing together. She made Ron look extra hot today.
Sequoia Simone: In the tiny T-shirt.
Kim: On a day when everyone's already thinking about love and relationships.
Sequoia Simone: Exactly.
Kim: She's like this is it.
Sequoia Simone: And then she screamed across the Great Hall that Ron has a crush on Draco.
Kim: Yes. It was too late. Draco's smirk had widened and he stood up. Ron gulped and turned his gaze back on his bacon. But he had suddenly lost his appetite. Meanwhile, Hermione was tapping his foot and getting faster. He was coming.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, no.
Kim: Stomping on his foot like, Ron, Ron, Ron! Don't be weird. Go kiss him. [Sequoia laughs] "Weasley, can I have a word?" Draco drawled lazily, trailing delicate fingers over the back of Ron's neck.
Sequoia Simone: Jesus Christ.
Kim: Do not do this thing! [Sequoia laughs] Oh, my gosh. I feel like touching someone on the back of their neck unexpectedly is a good way to get elbowed in the gut.
Sequoia Simone: It's a good way to get breakfast bacon like thrown all over you.
Kim: [throat noise] Ron squeaked.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah that checks out. Yeah that checks out.
Kim: Do you like that voice break in there?
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, it was good.
Kim: Thank you. Arching his back is Draco's hand trailed lower, tickling him.
Sequoia Simone: Draco...
Kim: What's happening?
Sequoia Simone: What is going on?
Kim: [quietly laughs] What's happening?
Sequoia Simone: Can you guys, like, not in the Great Hall, please.
Kim: It's breakfast time, please stop. [both laugh] This just because Rod's wearing a tight pink shirt that says we support V-Day on it.
Sequoia Simone: It's not even Valentine's Day, is it? Is it now Valentine's Day? Have we skipped forward?
Kim: I think it is today, right?
Sequoia Simone: Okay....
Kim: Like it wasn't during the first opening. I think it's probably Valentine's Day now. Right?!
Sequoia Simone: Have they all been wearing the shirts for several days? I think it's the same day. I think it's still just like the 11th. Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: You think it's still three days to Valentines and they're just all being really weird.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: Lol. All right, so Draco's tickling Ron at the breakfast table.
Sequoia Simone: I can't.
Kim: Ron cleared his throat. "Oh, sure." [laughs] Harry, Hermione, Seamus, Dean and Neville all watched gleefully as Ron followed Draco out of the Great Hall. They're taking, they are enjoying this too much.
Sequoia Simone: Ron's been being so annoying though [laughs].
Kim: That's true. He deserves it probably. The corridor was deserted. "What did you want?" Ron asked nervously. He was praying very hard that Draco had not heard Hermione.
Sequoia Simone: No, there's- there's no way.
Kim: And had coincidentally come over to the table right after Hermione had blurted it out.
Sequoia Simone: No, absolutely not, my friend.
Kim: "Oh, I just wanted a word." Draco said slowly. In an instant, he had spun Ron around and pressed him up against the wall, aligning his body with Ron's.
Sequoia Simone: Of course, of course.
Kim: "A word?" Ron squeaked as Draco trailed his fingers down Ron's chest before placing them on Ron's hip, rather low on Ron's hips.
Sequoia Simone: Wow. Of course.
Kim: Very forward for, I repeat, breakfast time. [both laugh] The children are walking to breakfast behind you.
Sequoia Simone: Keep it together.
Kim: So Draco says he wanted a word. "Yes. About Hermione." He said. "I was just wondering if what she said was true?" He pulled his hands away but did not step back and scrutinized Ron, who was wondering what to say.
Sequoia Simone: Listen, I think things have been made pretty clear here, my friend.
Kim: Yeah, I think we can just kind of move past the formalities and just start making out at this point.
Sequoia Simone: Probably.
Kim: "Oh, well.... well.... yeah." He stuttered.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, God, Ron.
Kim: Shutting his eyes so he wouldn't have to see Draco's expression. He nearly let out a shriek when he felt hot breath on his neck and lips brushed against his ear. "Good," Draco whispered before biting down on Ron's earlobe.
Sequoia Simone: [screaming] Ahhhhhhh.
Kim: I need you to brace yourself because I'm going to read you this whole description of kissing.
Sequoia Simone: No. Why?!
Kim: Because it's funny. It's Valentine's Day. Let me do this.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] All right. All right. Okay. Bring it on. Okay.
Kim: Ron yelped, but Draco silenced him by pressing his lips against his. Ron let out a moan as Draco rolled his tongue across his lips, asking for entrance.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Oh, a classic.
Kim: Ron gave it to him and Draco slipped his tongue into Ron's mouth, beginning a battle for dominance.
Sequoia Simone: Yeeeeaaahhhh!
Kim: That Ron knew would never truly cease, merely draw a truce at different intervals.
Sequoia Simone: There we have it. There we have it.
Kim: We got both.
Sequoia Simone: That was very classic.
Kim: Both descriptions of kissing.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. Yeah. Damn.
Kim: We got the knocking on the mouth door, [Sequoia laughs] and then we battled for dominance.
Sequoia Simone: Amazing. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, sometimes... these mimetic fanfiction things are a little much, even for me.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] That wasn't nearly as painful as I thought it was going to be.
Kim: I mean, it was, it was what they always are.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. Yeah. Very classic.
Kim: Soft, sweet music began playing, adding to the pounding of blood rushing through his head. Are his friends playing music behind them?
Sequoia Simone: 100%.
Kim: Jesus Christ.
Sequoia Simone: Without a doubt. Boombox over the head. We're doing it.
Kim: Is it Harry or Hermione or did they collude on this?
Sequoia Simone: All five of them are standing outside the Great Hall. [both laugh]
Kim: Without withdrawing, Draco placed his hands once more on Ron's hips and pulled him away from the wall, swaying to the music. They're dancing now. When they broke apart, Ron rested his forehead against Draco's and smiled contentedly. "Ron," Draco whispered, not wanting to disturb the peace. "Hmmm?" Ron replied, kissing Draco's nose. "Will you go out with me?"
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] That's good.
Kim: You got to DTR, right?
Sequoia Simone: You gotta. You gotta. You gotta. You gotta.
Kim: You make out outside the Great Hall. All your prospective boyfriends friends start playing music behind you.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, that's when you know.
Kim: Seize the moment Draco. Ron's eyes flew open and he stared agape at Draco. He thought they were just making out for fun.
Sequoia Simone: Jesus Christ.
Kim: Why is he so surprised?! [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Oh, he's just, it's been a lot for him to take in today, okay.
Kim: Sure. It's been overwhelming. He stared agape at Draco, who looked hopefully back at him. His face broke out into a grin and he nodded. Returning to the Great Hall, Ron hand in hand with Draco, sat next to Harry. "You were wrong, Harry," Ron said deftly, "Valentine's Day isn't awesome. It's the best holiday all year."
Sequoia Simone: Ughhhhhhh. You really have to drive the point home.
Kim: Did you?
Sequoia Simone: Really got to drive the point home.
Kim: Did we?
Sequoia Simone: We really gotta.... [both laugh] Is that the end of the fanfiction?
Kim: It is. It's the best one all year - duh na duh da duh duh.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, wow. Dron.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia Simone: [groans] I didn't get any points again.
Kim: No, you did not.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, man!
Kim: Lol!
Sequoia Simone: Those were both great. Those were both great.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia Simone: Very good examples of your Valentine's madness with a little bit of a weird twist on both of them. I liked them. I liked them.
Kim: Thank you. Do you want to do a segment?
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, I do. It's time for [both] a Quick Fics.
Kim: Quick Fics is a segment where one of us will briefly summarize a story that we read that is maybe beautiful and perfect and shiny in its own special little way, but not right for the main pod section. What do you have for us today, Sequoia?
Sequoia Simone: I have a fanfiction called Harry Potter and the Living Ghost Solution.
Kim: The what?
Sequoia Simone: The Living Ghost Solution. And this has been sent to me two times.
Kim: What a title. Wow.
Sequoia Simone: And oh, wow. So sent to me by Lorelei and by another anonymous listener.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia Simone: And it's fucking buck ass wild. Harry is like having a normal ass day and then he gets this letter from Dumbledore that's like, they're using the living ghost solution to bring your mom back to life. And then he goes to London...
Kim: Who is they? What?
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] He goes to London and... [still laughing].
Kim: Yes??
Sequoia Simone: William Gates.
Kim: Okay...
Sequoia Simone: I'm like what is Bill Gates doing here? Bill Gates brings Harry's mom back to life and then like... But just for a moment until she just sort of, like very, very horrificly dies again?
Kim: What?
Sequoia Simone: And then that drives Harry to, into dark Harry.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia Simone: And he, like, blows up the ministry and kills the minister of magic.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia Simone: It's so, so much. [laughs]
Kim: And Bill Gates?
Sequoia Simone: And Bill Gates. He also kills Bill Gates. [both laugh]
Kim: Does it progress from there? Or does he stop at blowing up the ministry?
Sequoia Simone: He blows up the ministry and then he goes to Hogwarts to kill Dumbledore.
Kim: Why?
Sequoia Simone: And then he realizes the error of his ways? [laughs]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia Simone: I don't know, it's so much.
Kim: After he kills Dumbledore?
Sequoia Simone: I don't remember if he actually kills Dumbledore or not. The main bit that's important about this story is that Bill Gates brings his mom backed to life so that she can die again.
Kim: That's... huh.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] It's so much.
Kim: That is a lot. So, um. Thanks?
Sequoia Simone: You're welcome. Thanks to Lorelai and the other listener who both thought that this was something that needed to be seen. And now it's time for [both] the rec zone.
Kim: So before I went to fanfiction.net and typed Valentine in the search bar, I went to our submission form and typed Valentine in the search bar, and I found this fanfic. It was sent to us by flargle gargle.
Sequoia Simone: Nice.
Kim: This is an explicit fanfiction. [uncomfortably] It has a sex scene in it. [Sequoia laughs] It's been a while since I've reced something this explicit. So, thought I'd say that.
Sequoia Simone: All right. Yeah.
Kim: But the reason I'm writing this is, I mean, the sex seems perfectly serviceable, but it's a rare pair that I think is handled pretty darn well. It's got a fun, like, Valentines hook to it. It's got, like, a secret admirer thing going on.
Sequoia Simone: [angrily] Secret admirer.
Kim: I am going to go ahead and give you the pairing. It is Hermione slash Greg.
Sequoia Simone: Oh. Interesting.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They both work at the ministry, and there's, like, a Valentine's event that happens for their workplace, and they decide they want to date and then they do it. [both laugh] So it's called morale booster, the link to that will be in the description of this episode, and it will also be on our website.
Sequoia Simone: Fanaticalfics.com. Also on our website is the story submission form. Our quick fic today and the rec zone both came from the story submission form. So, keep up the good work, folks.
Kim: Yeah, you got more cool rare pairs for me? I would like to see it.
Sequoia Simone: Yes, please.
Kim: Also on the website you can find some merch. We've got bookmarks on the website and also a link to our Tee-public where we have a wide variety of designs on a wide variety of objects.
Sequoia Simone: If you want to find us on social media to tell us about the stuff that you did as activities in school for Valentine's Day, you can find us on social media, on Instagram and Facebook @Fanaticalfics.
Kim: If your story about the weird things that your high school/junior high/elementary school did are too long for those venues, you can email us at Fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia Simone: If you want to help out this podcast, there are a few ways to do that thing. You can leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Facebook, or give us a rating on Spotify.
Kim: Or, you can punch a hole to the closest neighboring universe that maybe is only diverged from us only slightly.
Sequoia Simone: A little. Just a little bit, yeah.
Kim: And then once you've made it over there, start screaming about the podcast. Trick, The Multiverse 2023.
Sequoia Simone: You can also join us over on Patreon where you can be a part of our community discord, be a part of the book club, all the fun events they do over there, or get access to bonus episodes, which are all very cool and fun. Thank you to all of our patrons for supporting the show.
Kim: Thanks also to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their song Wolfstar as our theme song. You can find that and more of their cool music at thewhompingwillows.bandcamp.com.
Both Bye!