Episode 149: The Vision of the Dead
Recommendation: Musings
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/380411/1/Musings
This transcript was provided by Sequoia Simone!
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: So I went to Disneyland this week, for the first time in a long time.
Sequoia Simone: Oh yeah!
Kim: When I was a lot younger, I was a bit of a roller coaster head, you know. I really liked big scary rides, as most teenagers do. I have aged quite a bit since then. [Sequoia laughs] And now, just like everything makes me motion sick, just like thinking about boats makes me motion sick. Anyway, we rode the new Guardians of the Galaxy ride.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: The old, like, Twilight Zone Ride was one of my favorites in the park. I hadn't rode the Guardians of the Galaxy Ride yet. That ride made four of my fingers go numb with terror?
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] Just four?! Was there a symmetricaness with the same two...
Kim: It was symmetirc, it was ring, pinky on both hands. I was so scared, lost feeling in my hands.
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] Oh, no.
Kim: Ten out of ten, would not ride again.
Sequoia Simone: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone:.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia Simone: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: A Harry Potter Fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia Simone: That it is. We have, like, a lot of stuff to talk about up top, and my story's kind of long, so let's go ahead and get into it.
Kim: Great job. So it's gonna be ten years long. Thank you. You want to do these in like chronological order?
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] I guess we could do them in chronological order, which means we have to start with prediction socks, I think.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: We record, we sort of like batch record these. So we have not had to, had time to, address until now the fact that I don't know how to spell.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia Simone: Sorry everybody. Prediction is ten letters.
Kim: Yes it is.
Sequoia Simone: I do acknowledge that at this point. [Kim laughs] And it would go perfectly upon the toes of, of toe socks.
Kim: It would.
Sequoia Simone: You're right. I'm wrong.
Kim: We're going to have to see if any of our merch vendors make toe socks. Nobody makes socks anymore.
Sequoia Simone: No one does that. Nobody makes toe socks [laughs].
Kim: So, we'll see, obviously nothing's going to come of that. Do not expect anything.
Sequoia Simone: Chronologically thing number two. Have you ever, have you engaged with Highlander at all?
Kim: I don't watch movies, man.
Sequoia Simone: Isn't it also...
Kim: I only watch superhero movies. And I guess Highlander actually does seem like it maybe is kind of a superhero adjacent movie.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, I just am so unfamiliar with this particular universe. And Duncan McLeod is not a very, it's not a name that stands out where you're like, 'hey, maybe this is a crossover with something else'. It's just like a very regular name.
Kim: Yeah, and the author didn't mention anywhere that they were doing a Highlander crossover?
Sequoia Simone: Not that I remember or saw.
Kim: Well, we can't be blamed for this. [Sequoia laughs] But we did receive all of your emails about it.
Sequoia Simone: We did receive all of your emails and tweets and everything that came towards us about it.
Kim: And we apologize for not having seen Highlander.
Sequoia Simone: Listen, only sort of because it does seem like there was a specific, you know, a specific, like, subgenre of joy that people got out of screaming at in, at their podcast playing device.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: That they were immortals.
Kim: They were highlanders.
Sequoia Simone: And we, being so surprised by that. And I as a podcast listener also do experience that subgenre of joy when I am screaming at a podcast.
Kim: When you get a reference in the, the podcasters do not.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, yeah. I was, I was recently listening to the new season of Meddling Adults and I solved a mystery and I was screaming the solve for the mystery at my phone.
Kim: You solved a mystery?!
Sequoia Simone: I know, listen, I couldn't solve mysteries when we were on the show trying to solve mysteries. But when I listen, I solve mysteries often, I'm just gonna say.
Kim: Well that sounds like we need to email Mike.
Sequoia Simone: Exactly. So, sorry not sorry about Highlander.
Kim: Next.
Sequoia Simone: Next. Chronologically, thing number three.
Kim: Is Valentine's Day.
Sequoia Simone: Yes.
Kim: We got a couple of emails confirming that people's schools did this thing for real.
Sequoia Simone: Wild.
Kim: Wild.
Sequoia Simone: Wild.
Kim: The emails made me realize something that just reading the footnote in the story didn't make me realize. The flavor that just having the girls wear the hearts and the boys trying to take their hearts from them, made me realize, Oh, this is American purity culture bullshit.
Sequoia Simone: Right.... Yeah, I mean.
Kim: I didn't pick that up just from the silly now Draco and Harry are kissing kind of thing that was happening. But getting that email made me go, Oh, I see.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, yeah. I also like, it first of all, very surprising. And then as soon as you think about it, maybe not as surprising.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: And then thirdly, we also got one that reminded me of a thing that I did in school that I forgot that we did. Somebody was like, in school what we did is we took a quiz and then they matched us up with the quiz.
Kim: Excuse me?!
Sequoia Simone: Like, you got your, like top ten matches and your top ten best friends.
Kim: Like, like that dating show with the science. What's that one called?
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] Are You the One?
Kim: Are You the One! They matched you up Are You the One style?!
Sequoia Simone: They did. They did. You had to pay to take that quiz. And that was like a charity philanthropy thing. So, like. So like it was only of the people who paid to take the thing, but then you would get a list that was like your top matches, your top ten matches, your top ten best friends.
Kim: Hey buddy...
Sequoia Simone: And I had 100% forgotten that that happened until somebody emailed us and said that they did that in school and I was like, fuck, I did that in school.
Kim: Yeah, that's buckwild, my dude.
Sequoia Simone: Isn't it?
Kim: That is a weird thing for your school to have done.
Sequoia Simone: So thanks to everyone so far who's been sending us their weird middle school/high school, Valentine's Day shit, because I am... apparently it's unlocking deep memories. [Kim laughs] It's unlocking deep memories from within me personally.
Kim: What were our schools doing? Just exchange candy. [Sequoia laughs] Or don't.
Sequoia Simone: Or don't! Or don't.
Kim: Maybe just don't do anything.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, maybe just, you know, put some hearts up in the hallway... and maybe we're done. Maybe we're done after that. Let the student, the student body officers decorate the hallway and then be done. [Kim laughs] Oh, amazing. Keep sending those in, if you haven't sent one in yet, I want to keep hearing the, the buckwild shit that your schools did.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: Okay, one more thing. Non chronological order. Actual announcement.
Kim: Oh, yeah, right.
Sequoia Simone: One more thing. We have been getting a lot of emails and such about Yes Glitter, especially people who have come to the podcast since after we did the run of Yes Glitter.
Kim: It's been...
Sequoia Simone: Years?
Kim: When did we do Yes Glitter? What was that part of the hundred episode celebration?
Sequoia Simone: It was not. I'm, I'm going to say that Yes Glitter was.... was it? No.
Kim: Are you sure?
Sequoia Simone: Was it pre-pandemic?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah!
Kim: Maybe?
Sequoia Simone: I was fuckin' 2019 dude! ... Maybe
Kim: Why did we do that?
Sequoia Simone: I don't remember. Anyway, we did Yes Glitter at one point. It was several years ago, depending. Who knows.
Kim: We ran out a long time ago too, of the physical copies.
Sequoia Simone: We did, we had done a couple prints of them and then we, yeah, ran out.
Kim: And then we struggled to figure out what to do from that point. Both kind of shunted that off into this is too much to deal with, let's deal with it later. [Sequoia laughs] And now, triumphant return, it's available on the website.
Sequoia Simone: It is available on the website for digital download. You can get it for free, digital download for free. You can also do a donation of $5 which will go to the Trevor Project. But either way, this is always a thing we've never made money off of. We just want you to have it. And sorry we don't have it in physical copy, but if you get a digital download you could make a physical copy if you'd like to. But we just won't be offering it in physical, physical copy anymore. But it is there on the website, so go get it folks!
Kim: Website.
Sequoia Simone: Website!
Kim: Sorry, fanaticalfics.com. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: And that's it.
Kim: Under the merch tab.
Sequoia Simone: We got to do fanfiction now. This story-
Kim: On the website.
Sequoia Simone: This story-
Kim: [Sequoia laughing] You know, the merch tab, on the website, it's at the top bar.
Sequoia Simone: Oh my god.
Kim: You click on merch, the dropdown menu opens up.
Sequoia Simone: Absolutely-
Kim: One of them's a link to the Tee-Public. The other one is a...
Sequoia Simone: What is wrong with you?
Kim: Is a store on the Squarespace. Squarespace helps us do, you know, uh oh now this is a Squarespace ad. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Stop doing that, they're not paying us. [both laugh].
Kim: What were you saying?
Sequoia Simone: What I was saying was that we need to do fanfiction now, because this story was 4000 words long and I could only get it down to like 2200. So we, we got...
Kim: Oh no, 2200?!
Sequoia Simone: We got to go! I said!
Kim: This is, depending on how dense this is, my dude, this is going to be one of those like episode and I halves, Oh no.
Sequoia Simone: Listen, it was not enough for two, but there was things I needed to keep.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia Simone: I'm really, really, really, really, really excited about this story. So now it's time for predictions. Everybody get to your predictions in, answer our story on Instagram. If you're a patron, make sure to put those in the disco. Kim, here are your clues.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia Simone: Clue number one, the story title is..."The Vision of the Dead".
Kim: Oooooooo, what.
Sequoia Simone: The genre of this story is romance slash drama. And I will say right now that I cut the entire third act of this story. [Kim laughs] But if your, but if your predictions come true in that, that I'm not going to read today, I still will count them.
Kim: Aha. Are you going to at least summarize it for us?
Sequoia Simone: I will. I will. I will.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia Simone: And then the third clue is that this came out post Deathly Hallows. [singing] Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.
Kim: What... Post Deathly Hallows. [both laugh] I say this every time, I have no idea what was happening with the fandom in that time period. I've read some stuff from that time period and I don't know what was happening to us. It was weird.
Sequoia Simone: It's all over the place. It's, that's like the worst possible clue to be given. Post Deathly Hallows? Could be fucking anything.
Kim: I have this version in my head of what I think that period of fanfiction should have been like, and it is absolutely not that.
Sequoia Simone: It's not that.
Kim: It's just kind of a hodgepodge of nonsense.
Sequoia Simone: Especially that year, the year that we have in our time frame. Like after that, I think there gets to be a lot more next gen like we thought was going to be in that year that's like not necessarily what that year is.
Kim: Yeah, I think there's just not very much next Gen TBH out there... In the universe. I don't know. I'm stalling, but I didn't have any coherent thoughts. So let me try to have some coherent thoughts. All right, I've got three predictions.
Sequoia Simone: All right.
Kim: Prediction number one is that ghosts will be playing matchmaker for living people.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, hell, yeah.
Kim: The vision of the dead is romance. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Good, good, good.
Kim: Prediction number two is that our main character is going to be angsting about some number of people who died in the war.
Sequoia Simone: Okay. Okay. Okay.
Kim: Prediction number three, I know we just did a lot of this, but I'm going to predict it anyway, Drarry.
Sequoia Simone: Excellent. Excellent. Excellent. Those are... predictions.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia Simone: And you did your best given what you were given.
Kim: Yes, I did.
Sequoia Simone: So there is that.
Kim: Yes, I did. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: I'd just like to apologize to everyone in advance, you, no one got any points. Thanks for coming.
Kim: [laughing] I'm really excited.
Sequoia Simone: All right, so this story,"The Vision of the Dead", it begins with a header. We don't get any more headers, just the one at the beginning. And this header is... The Beginning.
Kim: [laughing] Okay. Is this, is this fic broken out into chapters or is it one of those just, like, really long boys?
Sequoia Simone: Really long, boy. Really long chapter. One chapter boy.
Kim: One chapter really long. Okay, so this is the chapter title, yeah?
Sequoia Simone: I think so? I think so.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia Simone: So, yep. The Beginning. The candle burned, providing the room with a faint light. Faye was sitting on a bed that was crammed into a corner.
Kim: Fay...
Sequoia Simone: Fay. F-A-Y. Fay.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia Simone: This was the only piece of furniture in her room.
Kim: Just the bed.
Sequoia Simone: Just the bed.
Kim: Crammed into a corner.
Sequoia Simone: Crammed into a corner. Her family didn't like her very much, because she was different.
Kim: [laughing] Oh, okay.
Sequoia Simone: Have you already caught the vibe? Have you already caught the vibe? [both laughing] You're clutching your chest, I feel like you have caught... [laughing]
Kim: Oh, Fay.
Sequoia Simone: Fay!
Kim: Oh Fay, you're so different. Your family just doesn't get you.
Sequoia Simone: They just don't understand.
Kim: So they give you nothing but a bed. [Sequoia laughs] Does it even have blankets?
Sequoia Simone: No blankets!
Kim: Fay gets no blankets.
Sequoia Simone: Just a bed. [Kim laughs] Fay heard a loud crash downstairs. She carefully crept along the staircase to see what was going on. She stood, gaping, at the bottom of the staircase. In front of her stood a full grown man wearing a long purple traveling cloak and a friendly smile.
Kim: Oh, Fay is going to be told she is something she's never known and transported into a world unlike any she's imagined! [Sequoia laughs] Good for Fay.
Sequoia Simone: Who do you think this is?
Kim: There's no way to know.
Sequoia Simone: Great. [both laugh] Her parents had jumped behind the sofa as though a bomb was about to explode. Slowly...
Kim: Yeah there's a strange man in their living room.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. Yeah. He just appeared there probably, too. Just apparated directly into their living room.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia Simone: Looking like he looks. Slowly, Fay took a step nearer. The man smiled widely. Slowly and in a calming, deep voice, he said, "Fay Alexandra Jaysonsen... " [laughing]
Kim: ...Jaysonsen?
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] Jaysonsen...
Kim: I don't think that's a real last name.
Sequoia Simone: It's like a person in like a comedy movie that's trying to come up with a fake name on the fly.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: They're like, I'm Jane... Smithsonian... you know, like [laughing].
Kim: Yeah. Well, the Smithsonian's a real place. Jaysonsen feels like not a real thing. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: "Fay Alexandra Jaysonsen, you are no ordinary girl."
Kim: No way!
Sequoia Simone: "You are a witch."
Kim: Yeah. Okay.
Sequoia Simone: Fay looked as though she'd been slapped in the face. The old man smiled. "You don't believe me, do you? Anyways, you have been invited to go to the Light Lake School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."
Kim: I was going to talk about not believing and him not addressing that further, but excuse me? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Wait, no, go back. Go back.
Kim: No, I don't know that I need to.
Sequoia Simone: You're not going to? [laughing] Okay.
Kim: I mean, that's so typical of everything. Like, you're a witch - no, I'm not, I'm just Harry.
Sequoia Simone: Exactly. Exactly.
Kim: No but actually, think about it for ten more seconds. You're not, you do magic all the time. [Sequoia laughs] Come on, little buddy. You ever seen anyone else do magic? Oh right, you have because wizards follow you all over the place. What? Anyway, no. Say the name of the school again for me.
Sequoia Simone: The Light Lake School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Sequoia Simone: The Light Lake...
Sequoia Simone: Light Lake. L-I-G-H-T.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia Simone: Light Lake.
Kim: Do you think that's close to the Salt Lake? Probably not.
Sequoia Simone: Probably not. I mean, this doesn't place itself. It doesn't tell us where in the world this exists. We could be still in the UK. We might be in America. I get pretty big America- well, that's the other thing.
Kim: We're definitely in America, come on.
Sequoia Simone: That's what you say, but the spelling from the author in this fanfiction was British spelling of things.
Kim: Oh, interesting.
Sequoia Simone: So either they were doing that for hashtag the vibe or...
Kim: They changed their word processor to... [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: But I think maybe this is still taking place in the UK.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia Simone: We've just decided this is a different school now.
Kim: Sure!
Sequoia Simone: There's another school, it's different.
Kim: Let's have multiple schools. Let's not have just ten wizards.
Sequoia Simone: Or is it multiple schools? Here we go. [laughs] "I am a wizard myself."
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia Simone: "My name is Professor Akenson Windelbranch."
Kim: Whhhhat? [Sequoia giggling] Akenson Windelbranch.
Sequoia Simone: Akenson Windelbranch!
Kim: This is interesting that this is been marked Harry Potter fanfiction...
Sequoia Simone: Why?
Kim: Because I feel like this is more of like a thin rewriting of Harry Potter than it is fanfiction?
Sequoia Simone: Listen, we can debate on that...
Kim: This is feeling more like let me copy your homework, but I'll change a couple of things so that it feels different.
Sequoia Simone: Sure.
Kim: I wrote stories that felt like this about Harry Potter.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. And this sort of subgenre is not one that we've really explored much on the pod.
Kim: Right. There's usually not a lot going on because it's just a thin retelling of Harry Potter with some of the names changed.
Sequoia Simone: Yep. [laughs]
Kim: All right. What's Professor Windelbranch up to?
Sequoia Simone: "Professor Akenson Windelbranch..." [Kim giggles] The names are just so good, I'm sorry.
Kim: They are really good so far. I like them.
Sequoia Simone: Fay gazed at the professor with amazement. "Pack your stuff, we're going to school!" He said.
Kim: No, you pack her stuff. [Sequoia laughs] Well, she doesn't have any stuff it's gonna take like 10 seconds.
Sequoia Simone: She literally doesn't have any stuff. For a moment, Fay was not sure what to do. Then she quickly turned on her heel and sped up to her room. She took a large bag and stuffed all her belongings into it. Her five belongings.
Kim: Her five belongings, in a garbage bag. [Sequoia laughs] Is she gonna not talk to her parents about how she's leaving with a stranger?
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] Whatever! Screw them, who cares?
Kim: Hey, buddy, don't leave with a stranger. Come on. You're going to a secondary location with a complete stranger who just fucking appeared in your living room.
Sequoia Simone: And said, I'm, your witch, I'm a wizard. Come with me.
Kim: Have any misgivings about this...
Sequoia Simone: Come with me!
Kim: Goddamnit.
Sequoia Simone: She ran back downstairs where her parents stood talking to Professor Akenson.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia Simone: "I'm ready to go." Fay said slowly. "Ah," said Akenson, "your parents said they don't mind if you go to the school. They think you are something special."
Kim: Do they?
Sequoia Simone: "Yeah right..." Mumbled Fay. Yeah, Fay doesn't buy that shit for a second. [both laugh]
Kim: They think she's a weirdo who deserves no belongings.
Sequoia Simone: Exactly.
Kim: It's weird that story's referring to him by his first name, also.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. They, he's never. Sometimes he's referred to by full name Professor Akenson Windelbranch. But never, Professor Windelbranch.
Kim: Weird. [Sequoia laughs] All right, at least we had some conversation with the parents.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, off screen.
Kim: Seems like maybe not enough, but fine.
Sequoia Simone: Her father shot her a nasty look. "Shall we go then?" Asked Akenson. Fay nodded. "Hold on to me then," said Akenson quietly. Fay clung tight to his surprisingly muscular arm. [Kim laughs] I don't know why we had to say that. [both laugh] I don't know why we had to say that.
Kim: This old dude's fucking built. [Sequoia laughs] You're welcome, says the author. [both laugh] And you know what I say? I said thank you. Cause now, he's not as old as Dumbledore in my mind.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: Like, he's like, maybe like forties and fifties. Gone silver completely and just fucking built. Nice.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: Hot.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: Hot old dude.
Sequoia Simone: Akenson Windelbranch, silver fox. [both laugh] Suddenly the whole world began to spin. Fay wasn't able to breathe. And just as she thought she might die from choking, she hit the ground. Fay looked up before her stood a huge castle buzzing with noise. "Welcome to the Light Lake School," said Akenson, "this will be your home for the next year. You will find your stuff waiting for you once it has been decided which house you belong to."
Kim: Just the next year? Are they going to kick her out after a year? [both laugh] It's kind of an abbreviated course in magic, you only got to do one year, seven years? Boring. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: I also, like, this has been like 15 minutes, 15 minutes tops from arrival at her house to here's the school.
Kim: Time for school!
Sequoia Simone: Have a nice time.
Kim: We forgot to pick you up before the school year started. [Sequoia laughs] Actually no, we've decided to abbreviate the pickup like we have abbreviated everything. We no longer send you a letter months in advance because we can use magic to pick you up.
Sequoia Simone: Exactly. Exactly. Fay didn't understand what he meant. Also, feeling no need to explain to her what's happening.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia Simone: Absolutely no need. You'll figure it out. It's fine.
Kim: They'll do it, the whole group, they're going to collect all of the students, and then they'll explain to the whole group at once.
Sequoia Simone: Sure.
Kim: Nope. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Nevertheless, she followed him through the heavy oak doors. A line of 13 year olds stood before another door.
Kim: Okay, we're starting a little older.
Sequoia Simone: We're starting a little older.
Kim: Interesting.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, first year, 13 years old.
Kim: That's interesting because that's like more around where, like, middle school starts in America, right?
Sequoia Simone: Right. Yeah. Like 12, 13, depending on when your birthday is. So I guess that makes sense- maybe the author is American and that makes more sense, like copy pasted onto the American school system.
Kim: Yeah, I don't know.
Sequoia Simone: "Line up here." Said Akenson, and then with a pop, he vanished.
Kim: [weakly] Okay bye.
Sequoia Simone: Bye! [both laugh] Sure. Thank you. Sir. Professor Windelbranch. "What's going on?" Asked Fay, her voice slightly shaking. A friendly looking blond boy with brown eyes turned around. "This is the house ceremony where the new witches and wizards get sorted into their houses. There are...".
Kim: Yesss.
Sequoia Simone: Are you ready? Are you ready for the houses?
Kim: Give me the houses!
Sequoia Simone: "There are... Bearendoor,"
Kim: No.
Sequoia Simone: "Duppelcup,"
Kim: What?
Sequoia Simone: "Birdbeak,"
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia Simone: "And Slytherson."
Kim: Oh, no.
Sequoia Simone: Chef's kiss. Absolutely no fucking notes. Not one note. [both laugh]
Kim: This is, this has gotten particularly thin at this point.
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] Absolutely.
Kim: The divide between us and just regular Harry Potter is rapidly shrinking.
Sequoia Simone: Here's the thing. Slytherson? Like pretty, pretty close, pretty close, pretty close, right. Bearendoor, pretty close, pretty close, pretty close. Duppelcup?!
Kim: It sounds similar when you say it out loud. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: I mean, it has the same, like, cadence. Birdbeak? [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, that one's just you switch the words.
Sequoia Simone: But here's the thing, here's the thing. Hold please.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia Simone: He said, swinging his blond mane from one side to the other. "I hope I get chosen for Duppelcup. They are the smart ones." [Kim laughs] Duppelcup's Ravenclaw! I don't get it.
Kim: [laughing] They switched them around. We, like, bumped each one to the left.
Sequoia Simone: Exactly.
Kim: I hope you get toDuppelcup too blonde boy. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Duppelcup! Fay looked at him and was about to say something when the doors swung open and the row of 13 year old witches and wizards began to walk towards a stool in the front of the room. Beside the stool stood an elderly, witch. She was holding a piece of parchment.
Kim: How have we changed up the sorting ceremony? I'm excited to find out.
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] I'm excited to tell you.
Kim: It's a scarf.
Sequoia Simone: It's a scarf. That's good. That's good. Any other thoughts?
Kim: That's from A Very Potter Musical...
Sequoia Simone: Right, right.
Kim: It's a mood ring.
Sequoia Simone: Ooh, it's a mood ring. I like that. [both laugh] I like that a lot. "Fay Jaysonsen." She croaked. Fay stepped forward and looked at the stool.
Kim: Why is Fay first? Fine.
Sequoia Simone: I don't know. And this is not like an edit I made, this is just how it was told.
Kim: It's so that Fay's going to be surprised by whatever is about to happen to her.
Sequoia Simone: What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? Where do you think Fay's is going to end up?
Kim: Oh, where?
Sequoia Simone: Yeah!
Kim: Well, I don't know what the houses do. [Sequoia laughs] So...
Sequoia Simone: Okay. Okay.
Kim: She's going to Birdbeak. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Fay stepped forward and looked at the stool. "Sit." Said the witch. "I will place this crown on your head."
Kim: [laughing] Wow, we barely moved.
Sequoia Simone: We barely moved! And I'm kind of thinking, I'm thinking, like... Like the, like coronation crown. Like the big fluffy one, you know, like, it's got to be....
Kim: Oooooh okay! I like it. Yeah, like the whole, like, top floppy part splits in half and yells....Duppelcup.
Sequoia Simone: Exactly. Exactly. Because it can't just be like a regular, like just a gold crown.
Kim: Like a tiara?
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. Like we can't... That's boring.
Kim: Or it's like a mood ring, like I said, but around the head. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Mood crown.
Kim: I'm into it.
Sequoia Simone: Great. "I will place this crown on your head, and it will tell you what house you belong to." Fay sat down with a straight back and a nervous look on her face. She felt the crown shake slightly. Then a hollow, deep voice said, "Duppelcup!" [both laugh]
Kim: Okay. So Fay is in Ravenclaw.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. Which is like, different, you know?
Kim: Not really.
Sequoia Simone: She's not in whatever the Raven... Or the, the Gryffindor equivalent is.
Kim: Yeah. But if you didn't feel like you were like a Gryffindor kind of jock person or a Slytherin kind of goth person back in the day, you would generally pick Ravenclaw.
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] That's true.
Kim: As the like, I'm a smart nerd because we were all smart nerds who were into Harry Potter.
Sequoia Simone: That's true. That's very true.
Kim: You could tell we were smart because we read those big books. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: True, true, true. "Duppelcup!" The table to the very right cheered loudly. Fay guessed that that was her house table and walked over there and sat at an empty seat. The ceremony went on for another half an hour. When everyone was seated-
Kim: That's a really long time...
Sequoia Simone: That's a really long time.
Kim: It seemed like her sorting took like 10 seconds. How many kids are there?
Sequoia Simone: What's the math? What's the math on that?
Kim: Don't ask me.
Sequoia Simone: That's 6 kids... times 30.
Kim: I refuse.
Sequoia Simone: Okay.
Kim: Maybe some of them took a long time. We had some crown stalls. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Some clown stalls. The ceremony went on for another half an hour. When everyone was seated, Akenson Windelbranch got up and said, "Welcome new students and welcome back to those returning. Housekeeper-" Here's the Argus Filch character.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia Simone: "Timothus Beltch..."
Kim: Argus Filtch... to Timothus Beltch.
Sequoia Simone: It's... Yep. It sort of gets... [laughing] It gets thinner and thinner as we go.
Kim: Author's getting sleepy. [both laugh] Right now we're doing like straight up Dumbledore's speech from the first book.
Sequoia Simone: Sort of. He has a warning!
Kim: Good.
Sequoia Simone: "Timothus Beltch has asked me to tell you not to enter the cellar of the school unless you wish to forget your life."
Kim: Forget your life?
Sequoia Simone: Total amnesia.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia Simone: You go to the cellar of the school, total amnesia.
Kim: Seems like something you'd want to fix. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, well, you know. All's not well at the Light Lake School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Kim: Clearly.
Sequoia Simone: Everyone was silent. Then all of a sudden, an immense amount of food appeared out of thin air. Fay dug in and everyone ate for about an hour. Then Akenson then got up again. "Prefects, please lead your fellow housemates to their common rooms and dormitories." Two people from each table got up and told their table to follow them. Fay got up and followed the prefect. They climbed two flights of stairs and walked through a round archway where they stood in front of a solid wall. There's no, there's no portrait. There's no statue.
Kim: This is the entrance to the Slytherin common room.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, just solid wall. The prefect stepped forward and turned to the chatting crowd. "This is your common room," she said, "to get in, you have to give the wall a password. The password is Chestnut Magnolia." Everyone nodded. Then the prefect turned to the wall and said the password loud and clear. Once she had finished saying it, the wall began to fade and a common room appeared through the clearing. Fay stepped inside, amazed. The common room had three purple sofas standing opposite a large fireplace.
Kim: Purple!
Sequoia Simone: Purple is the house color-
Both Of Duppelcup.
Kim: Did the blond boy make it into Duppelcup?
Sequoia Simone: It didn't tell us.
Kim: He seemed nice.
Sequoia Simone: I know. And spoiler alert we're not going to see him again.
Kim: Okay. Bye, nice blond boy.
Sequoia Simone: He seemed very nice, I hope he got into Duppelcup like he wanted. In the left wall was a spiral staircase which split into two directions at the top. Fay walked up the stairs and entered a room that had girls written on it. In front of her were 20 or 30 normal sized beds.
Kim: 20?!
Sequoia Simone: 20 or 30! So maybe the sorting ceremony took so long... [laughing]
Kim: Yeah, because there's actually a fuck ton of them?
Sequoia Simone: Because there's fucking, like, a hundred and something new students every year or something to that effect.
Kim: I guess if there was just one spiral staircase, this could be a dorm for all of the years?
Sequoia Simone: That's true. They could just have, this is the dormitory.
Kim: There's like, 60 students per house, which is a pretty small...
Sequoia Simone: True.
Kim: School.
Sequoia Simone: True. But they also have less years, hypothetically, because they start later.
Kim: True, they could be about, sounds like they're maybe about Hogwarts sized if this is all of the... It doesn't matter.
Sequoia Simone: The beds had purple covers on them. Purple, Duppelcup. Fay saw a bed with her bag sitting on it. She assumed it was her bed. At the foot of her bed was a small closet like thing that she put her clothes in. In the closet she found a wand. They just... [laughing] They just found... They just-
Kim: Look-
Sequoia Simone: There wasn't any time!
Kim: Yeah, Diagon Alley is a lot of work.
Sequoia Simone: See, this is why this fanfiction gets past Diagon Alley, because it just doesn't do it.
Kim: Because they fucking skip it. [Sequoia laughs] I like that for them.
Sequoia Simone: Like, whatever. The wand does not need to choose her. It doesn't matter.
Kim: Yeah, the wand actually doesn't matter. They tell you it matters, it doesn't.
Sequoia Simone: It doesn't really matter, so...
Kim: You could use any wand. [both laugh] And after school, you can buy yourself a nicer one if you want.
Sequoia Simone: Exactly. This will do.
Kim: This one's provided by the school.
Sequoia Simone: School wand...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: Comes in your dresser!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: A note was stuck to it saying, swing your wand once and your school uniform will appear.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia Simone: [singing] School uniform. Fay swung her wand. She heard a faint pop and her school uniform appeared on her bed. It consisted of a long black robe with a purple badge on the right side, a black skirt, a white blouse, and a gray and purple diamond checked sweater.
Kim: That's cute!
Sequoia Simone: It's cute, it's cute. It was a little jazzier, and now we know both of the Duppelcup house colors, gray and purple.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia Simone: Just in case anyone is feeling our particular house allegiance at this point. [laughs]
Kim: To Duppelcup.
Sequoia Simone: To Duppelcup of Light Lake School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. [both laugh] Fay, smiled happily and slipped into bed. She had never slept better.
Kim: Good. Oh, how nice. She's got a belonging, her wand. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: No, she's got a uniform too!
Kim: And she's got a second piece of furniture, her wardrobe.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah!
Kim: She had clothes before it seemed like Sequoia.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. She brought some stuff with her. The next morning, Fay woke. She slipped into her clothes and followed the other girls downstairs and all the way to the Great Hall. She sat herself between...
Kim: Hmm??
Sequoia Simone: At the Duppelcup table.
Kim: A red haired boy and a bushy-
Sequoia Simone: A red haired boy and a black haired boy with amazing green eyes.
Kim: Wait, really?!
Sequoia Simone: Yes! Yes. She sat herself between Ron and Harry. Harry is in the fanfiction, folks. Harry has entered the chat.
Kim: Wait, I assumed Fay was Harry.
Both Right?
Kim: What? [Sequoia laughs] What? Harry's not in Duppelcup, and neither is fucking Ron.
Sequoia Simone: They're both in Duppelcup.
Kim: No, they're not. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Harry and Ron are here and they're in Duppelcup.
Kim: No, they're not!
Sequoia Simone: Fay was munching away on her breakfast when she heard Professor Akenson's calm voice.
Kim: Maybe, maybe blond boy meant smart... in... bravery. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Oh, boy. [both laugh]That does not bode well for blond boy, wherever he's trying to be. [both laugh] Smart in bravery. Get out of here. Get out.
Kim: Look, if Ron and Harry are here, then they are not Ravenclaw.
Sequoia Simone: But who knows who Ron and Harry are today, you know? Who knows?
Kim: They're just Ron and Harry, don't you lie to me. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Professor Atkinson's calm voice. "Good morning students," echoed his voice through the hall, "I am now informing you that in a few seconds you will have your schedule appear in front of you. Enjoy your day." He was right, within a second Fay's food had disappeared. What if she wasn't done?
Kim: Ahhhhh.
Sequoia Simone: Rude. And on the golden plate, lay a piece of parchment. Carefully Fay unrolled it and read through her schedule.
Kim: That schedule had better come with a fucking map. [both laugh] Unless this castle is much smaller than Hogwarts.
Sequoia Simone: Much smaller, yeah. [laughing] "Wow," she whispered, "double charms first!"
Kim: She has no context for what that could possibly mean.
Sequoia Simone: She couldn't. She could not possibly know. I mean, charms...charms!
Kim: Okay, sure.
Sequoia Simone: That sounds fun.
Kim: Sure, sure.
Sequoia Simone: Suddenly, the black and red haired boys swung around and said in unison, "We have double charms first, too."
Kim: Yeah, you're in the same year kids.
Sequoia Simone: You're all in the same house.
Kim: Hey, kids.
Both You're in the same house.
Kim: Same year.
Sequoia Simone: You just go to class together.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: "Hi, my name is Ron, Ron Weasley, and this is Harry."
Kim: Oh, my God.
Sequoia Simone: What?!
Kim: Hey Sequoia.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: You know how 2023 is trick the multiverse.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, my God.
Kim: You've brought us a multiverse fic.
Sequoia Simone: I didn't even mean to.
Kim: Well.
Sequoia Simone: I mean I did that on purpose. This is, this is AU for sure.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: "Hi, I'm Fay, Fay Jaysonsen." Said Fay. It's good every time. The two boys mouths dropped open.
Kim: Why?
Sequoia Simone: Fay did not know why, so she asked.
Kim: Oh, good. [laughing] That's a good move Fay.
Sequoia Simone: That's good. Good job Fay. Good job Fay.
Kim: Having a conversation.
Sequoia Simone: "Why are you staring at me?" "No particular reason... "
Kim: Hey, boys.
Sequoia Simone: Said the boy named Harry, quietly.
Kim: They're like, wait, this isn't how this story's supposed to go. Your name's definitely supposed to be Hermione Granger. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: "So should we go to Charms, then?" Asked Faye. The two boys got up, picked up their bags and walked off, Fay walking beside them. They arrived at the classroom near the bottom of the school. Faye pushed open the door and Ron, Harry and herself entered. "Welcome to charms," said a thin which her lips curling into a smile. And this is...[laughs]
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia Simone: This is where it becomes absolutely paper thin. [Kim laughs] "My name is Professor Millonigal." [laughs]
Kim: Millonigal teaches charms?
Sequoia Simone: Yes, Professor Millonigal. It's fine. Don't worry about it. The class mumbled something that sounded like a welcome. Professor Millonigal smiled. "Now take out your wands," she said calmly, "Good. Now speak after me, Vingardium Lerviosa!"
Kim: No. No. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Professor Millonigal. Vingardium Lerviosa. As it were.
Kim: Have I mentioned ever that I love fanfiction so much.
Sequoia Simone: This is so fucking good, man.
Kim: This desire to see yourself in the story that you love. It just. It really gets me.
Sequoia Simone: It's so good.
Kim: Right in the, you know, the emotion place.
Sequoia Simone: It's so good.
Kim: Where you feel things.
Sequoia Simone: Like this is absolutely 112% something I would have written.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia Simone: Like 150%.
Kim: Yeah, bud!
Sequoia Simone: The word zoomed around the room. Nothing happened. But all of a sudden, the piece of parchment that lay in front of Fay jumped up into the air and hovered there, then hit the ground with a thud.
Kim: She did it!
Sequoia Simone: She did it. She's really good at magic.
Kim: The parchment hit the ground with a thud?
Sequoia Simone: It's really heavy. [both laugh]. Really heavy parchment.
Kim: It's a whole scroll.
Sequoia Simone: Professor Millonigal slowly walked over to Fay. "You are an extraordinary witch, my girl. I would like to see you achieve greatness in this class." Said Professor Millonigal. The day went past quickly. Harry, Ron and Fay set up near the fire in the common room, discussing their classes and which teachers they knew they wouldn't like. [both giggle] I love that. It's very cute.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: All of a sudden they heard a deafening scream and all three of them whirled around.
Kim: Oh, no!
Sequoia Simone: A girl with long blond hair stood behind the chair where Faye was sitting.
Kim: Screaming. Screaming?
Sequoia Simone: She's in the common room, just standing next to Fay, screaming.
Kim: Cool? [Sequoia laughs] Are we going to get the vision of the dead now?!
Sequoia Simone: Nope. "What's wrong?" Fay slowly asked. "You!" Said the girl excitedly.
Kim: Excitedly. Okay.
Sequoia Simone: She's like, this was like, it was a deafening scream, but, like, deafening fan girl scream.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia Simone: She was like, Oh! Oh my gosh! It's Fay Jaysonsen!
Kim: Because, Harry and Ron were looking at Fay in like semi horror earlier, it seemed like.
Sequoia Simone: Well, sure. Sure, sure, sure. Everybody else, everybody has their own reaction to Fay Jaysonsen.
Kim: And no one is explaining to her what's going on, except blond girl might!
Sequoia Simone: We shall see. "Me?" Asked Faye, taken aback. "You're, you're Fay Jaysonsen, the girl who beat the Dark Empress.”
Kim: Why is Harry here? [Sequoia laughs].
Sequoia Simone: You know why Harry's here.
Kim: Yeah, fine. [Sequoia laughs]It is weird that Fay's not a drop in replacement of Harry.
Sequoia Simone: That's true. Because she is...
Kim: She is!
Sequoia Simone: For all intents and purposes.
Kim: But Harry's still here.
Sequoia Simone: But Harry is still there. Just like normal, regular boy Harry.
Kim: Regular boy. Two parents Harry. Ol' Harry two parents. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: That's what they call him. And they're like, Why? He's like, I don't understand why you say that. It's totally normal that I have two parents.
Kim: Two alive parents. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: "The girl who beat the Dark Empress!" Said the girl, who then shuffled away to sit in a dark corner of the common room.
Kim: Oh, bye.
Sequoia Simone: Bye. She didn't even ask for an autograph or anything.
Kim: She can get it later. She was overcome with excitement? And had to go sit down?
Sequoia Simone: In a dark corner.
Kim: She got really excited.
Sequoia Simone: She got really overwhelmed.
Kim: The Dark Empress Molde...tort. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: That's good. That's good.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia Simone: "What?" Fay asked, looking at Harry and Ron. "It's simple," started Ron, "12 years ago, there was a witch. She was greater than all witches, spreading fear all over England. She was known as the Dark Empress." "But, what does that have to do with me?" Asked Fay quizzically.
Kim: Well, blond girl just said you defeated her. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: And then I'm going to, we'll rush through this bit. She's Harry. [Kim laughs] "Well," said Ron in a shaking voice...
Kim: Her parents are alive. What does it mean?
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] I don't know. "She used the killing curse to kill everyone. That night she attacked you. Her curse backfired and ripped the light out of her. It is thanks to you that we now live in safety. You are the one known as the Mighty Heart, the girl who beat the Dark Empress. That's why the girl screamed at you and that's why Harry and I gaped at you when we found out what your name was."
Kim: Couldn't explain that this morning, though.
Sequoia Simone: No, couldn't have done that immediately.
Kim: It's was too early.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, they were just starting to be friends. It was a new friendship.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: "Oh." Said Fay quietly. The information had exhausted her. She hugged the two boys goodnight and went up to the dorm and disappeared. Eh, she just went to sleep. It says disappeared, she went to sleep. Whatever.
Kim: [laughing] Disappeared. Bye!
Sequoia Simone: Bye!
Kim: I shall return again in 12 years.
Sequoia Simone: It's the end of the fanfiction. [Kim laughs] Fay woke. This is a passage of time. A passage of time. Fay woke. It was still a few hours before dawn. She sat up and got dressed. Quietly, she snuck down the stairs and into the common room and slipped through the wall into the deserted corridor.
Kim: It's crazy rude of Professor... What was his name? Wigglebottom?
Sequoia Simone: Akenson [laughs] Akenson Windelbranch.
Kim: It was really rude of Windelbranch to not explain to Fay... Hagrid explained to Harry that he was the chosen one.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, that's true.
Kim: Windelbranch!
Sequoia Simone: For the listeners at home, Kim: was shaking her fist [both laugh] towards the sky, Windelbranch! As we do. She's sneaking around the castle. The school was dark, and Fay wandered along the corridors. Suddenly, she heard two voices having a quick conversation. "She will need to do it." Said a dull male voice. "She will be able to in time. She first needs the practice." Said a voice that sounded a lot like Akenson Windelbranch. Carefully, Fay walked away, wondering who they were talking about. [both laugh] I wonder who that could be says Fay Jaysonsen.
Kim: The mighty hearted...
Sequoia Simone: The Mighty Heart. [both laugh]
Kim: Defeater of Darkness. Oh Fay. Fay, Fay, Fay. Nobody set you up for success.
Sequoia Simone: And what this girl had to do or learn. Fay wandered through the dark corridor and crept up to the house common room. When Ron and Harry joined her, she recounted what she had heard. The two boys didn't seem too surprised, yet they were both eager to find out more about the mystery.
Kim: Mystery?
Sequoia Simone: I can't believe this isn't tagged mystery.
Kim: Yeah, I was just thinking that. The first, if we're just doing the first Harry Potter book. [laughing]
Sequoia Simone: Mystery. That's a mystery.
Kim: That's straight mystery my friend.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. The next few days went quickly and before the three of them knew it, they were on their way to the wizarding town Troutsea. I had to keep just this little tiny bit because Troutsea, really good. Really very good.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. That's weird.
Sequoia Simone: The three of them walked through the town until they came to the center of the small village. She went to bed early that night.
Kim: Oh, okay. Was there more to that and you cut it?
Sequoia Simone: Barely. [both laugh] There was- I cut like two sentences. Where they wandered around like, a little bit more.
Kim: They went to town and came back, the end. [both laugh] Sounds like a nice day!
Sequoia Simone: It sounds like a very nice day. Troutsea seems like a great little town. The next morning, Fay rose together with a girl that had a bunk next to her. As far as Fay knew, her name was... Guesses, guesses, guesses?
Kim: Is this Hermione?
Sequoia Simone: Hermione Granger! She's finally here.
Kim: Alright Fay, it wasn't super nice of you to take Hermione's spot at the beginning, but I guess Hermione did take a while to join the crew.
Sequoia Simone: That's true. That's true. She was good friends with Harry and Ron as well.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia Simone: She's already friends.
Kim: We haven't seen her before?
Sequoia Simone: No.
Kim: They've not been hanging.
Sequoia Simone: They hang out at different times.
Kim: Oh, okay. [both laugh] They take turns.
Sequoia Simone: It was Sunday, so Fay lay in her bed-
Kim: It kind of seems like Harry and Ron were already friends that first morning. I guess they made friends on the train in the book, but it doesn't seem like there was a train? It kind of seems like Fay's joining, like, a year late.
Sequoia Simone: Maybe.
Kim: Maybe two years late, I guess, is how that would line up.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, that's true. It didn't say that, but that's totally possible. They could already be, like, a few years into school.
Kim: They just, like, forgot she existed for a couple of years and then Wigglebranch was like... [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Or and then Wigglebottom was like, wait, wait, let's leave her there for a couple of extra years for safety purposes or something to that effect.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia Simone: It was Sunday, so Fay lay in her bed. Then Hermione sat up straight in her bed and swore under her breath. "What's up?"
Kim: Hermione?! Language, buddy!
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, right? First line of the fanfiction.
Kim: Wakes up and is like, FUCK! [both laugh] Good morning to you, too, Hermione. It's how I wake up every morning to be fair.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. Yeah. That's fair, that's fair. "What's up?" Fay asked. Hermione looked at her with big eyes. "You've got to be joking." "Um, no?" Said Fay, slightly embarrassed. "Okay, well, today is the Quidditch tryouts for the Dupplecup team. You know, I think you should come with me. I have a feeling you'll make the team." Said Hermione, beaming.
Kim: Is Hermione trying out?
Sequoia Simone: No. Maybe. Who knows?
Kim: Fay's never touched a broomstick before Hermione. [Sequoia laughs] Hermione's just smelling the main character energy.
Sequoia Simone: Hermione can sense that this is the main character, and so naturally she should be on the Quidditch team. The Duppelup team.
Kim: Which, I'm actually really surprised that we don't have a thin veneer over Quidditch also.
Sequoia Simone: That's true!
Kim: We just kept Quidditch.
Sequoia Simone: We did.
Kim: We've kept so little.
Sequoia Simone: I didn't even think of that. [laughing] That is, that is strange.Hesitantly Fay slid on her clothes and followed Hermione down the stone spiral staircase. The two of them reached the Quidditch pitch quickly, and as soon as the door to the broom shed opened, a smooth looking broom flew into Fay's hand, almost like magic.
Kim: Fay. That's just magic.
Sequoia Simone: It's just magic.
Kim: Come on little buddy.
Sequoia Simone: It's not almost like it, it is just sort of magic.
Kim: It's just magic.
Sequoia Simone: Fay instinctively jumped on to the broom. She's like, she's it, she knows. She knows it touched her hand and she was like, yes.
Kim: I know how to use this.
Sequoia Simone: And kicked off hard. Quickly, she ascended to an immense height.
Kim: Oh, probably don't.
Sequoia Simone: I mean your first time on a broom, like, maybe keep it a little closer to ground. Maybe.
Kim: Maybe. Do you know how to land? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Enjoying herself, Fay decided to race down to the ground where a group of students stood watching her. Everybody just stopped having Quidditch tryouts to watch. They're like, that girl is going to fall off of that broom.
Kim: 100% [both lauhg] Has she ridden a broom before? Is she gonna be okay?
Sequoia Simone: And they're like, Oh, no.
Kim: Do any of you know a cushioning charm?
Sequoia Simone: She was accelerating quickly, and just as everyone thought she was about to smack the earth, she pulled the broom up hard and landed smoothly.
Kim: Passed out due to the G-forces. What?
Sequoia Simone: I'm sorry what? She threw up- I mean, what? [both laugh] The captain of the team was now hurrying towards her. "That was amazing," he exclaimed, "my name is Drake. Drake Aston." "Nice to meet you." That's a, that's a whole new name.
Kim: Yeah, that's a whole new character. Look at that.
Sequoia Simone: Whole new character. "Nice to meet you." Said Fay, feeling slightly uncomfortable since all the eyes were on her now. "I have a question for you. Would you like to become the team's seeker?"
Kim: What about Harry?!
Sequoia Simone: It doesn't matter. This is not Harry's story!
Kim: Oh, right. It's not Harry's story.
Sequoia Simone: This isn't about Harry. [both laughing]
Kim: Bye Harry. You're off the team.
Sequoia Simone: Bye! Fay nodded excitedly.
Kim: Hope you enjoy being on the JV team.
Sequoia Simone: Sorry, Harry. This is, it's all about fate now. Okay.
Kim: Oops.
Sequoia Simone: This is where I have cut the rest of the story.
Kim: Oh. Bye the rest of the story!
Sequoia Simone: Bye the rest of the story. Quick summary. Fay joins the Quidditch team. She starts having private practices with Drake Aston, and there is a romance.
Kim: Oh, with him?!
Sequoia Simone: But then Harry gets jealous of the romance.
Kim: What?
Sequoia Simone: And he....
Kim: Cause he was going out with Drake before, and [Sequoia laughs].
Sequoia Simone: I don't think that's it, but...
Kim: Fay took his position on the Quidditch team and his boyfriend.
Sequoia Simone: Sure. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, I mean, that's true, because, I mean, maybe you're right, because he does yell at her and say that Drake is too good for her. [Kim laughs] So maybe you are correct.
Kim: He does what?!
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, he does. He does. It's a little wild.
Kim: Drake's too good for you?
Sequoia Simone: He's like, yeah. Which is just, like, fuckin rude. And so she, like, runs off into, like, a side garden and cries and falls asleep. And then she has a dream where she has a snake face and is going to murder someone.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia Simone: And then the fanfiction ends.
Kim: Huh. Ominous dream.
Sequoia Simone: So she does, there is a vision sort of, of death. But, like, not really. And there is a romance, but it didn't feel interesting enough for me to [both laugh] read aloud to everyone.
Kim: I don't know. Harry yelling that she's not good enough for Drake is not what I would expect. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: He's too good for you!
Kim: What does that mean?
Sequoia Simone: And then she goes and cries and falls asleep.
Kim: That's really mean Harry. Actually. Actually, Harry. [Sequoia laughs] I know she stole your position on the Quidditch team and your boyfriend.
Sequoia Simone: Which are both things that we have made up. [both laugh]
Kim: Still, it's a little rude.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. So there is romance!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: The romance was there. We did get to the romance in the story.
Kim: That's interesting.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. And so was the drama.
Kim: This story actually made it pretty far.
Sequoia Simone: It really did.
Kim: All things considered.
Sequoia Simone: It really did. Anyway, that's it. [laughing] We haven't, I don't think we've ever done...
Kim: No.
Sequoia Simone: The Harry Potter rewrite. But this one was weird because Harry's still there.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: And it's not just like a self insert into Hogwarts, as Harry. It's a whole other school where most things are different.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: But some things are the same.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs] It's interesting. And it made it a lot farther than a lot of the ones that I've seen.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. A lot farther. I wanted to know more about what the professors were whispering about, what she needs to do, what she uses to practice, for what she needs to train for. I want to know...
Kim: Well she's gonna fight the dark Empress when she returns, obviously.
Sequoia Simone: Sure, sure. They seemed like there was something very specific, though. Like a thing that she was going to be practicing to do.
Kim: Yeah, maybe.
Sequoia Simone: Which seems a little bit more specific than Harry. Harry's just like, you both can't live at the same time. Good luck with that, my dude.
Kim: Byeeeee. [both laugh] Yeah and then we've got a cellar, whatever's going on down there is really interesting.
Sequoia Simone: Right, where you lose all your life memories.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: So that's weird and interesting.
Kim: Yeah, they had some little thoughts.
Sequoia Simone: It seemed like it was going to go in a structurally similar, but different direction.
Kim: Yeah, I, I think it's such an interesting thing that young authors are kind of drawn to do. Where you construct your own story on the scaffolding of a story that you liked.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah. I wish we could have gotten a few more of this author's ideas because it seems like they were going in some really interesting directions.
Sequoia Simone: There you go. I got that for you guys.
Kim: Yeah, I got no points.
Sequoia Simone: Honestly, I don't know if anybody's getting any points unless somebody guessed an OC.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: In which case, maybe.
Kim: If you got that this was going to be a complete retelling of Harry Potter.
Sequoia Simone: Which is honestly kind of interesting for post Deathly Hallows, too.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: To like, okay, it's done. Go all the way back to the beginning.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: Sort of a situation. So, I don't know, I don't know if anybody got anything off this, but...
Kim: We'll see.
Sequoia Simone: Kudos to you if you happen to get any points from this episode.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia Simone: All right, let's do a segment.
Kim: We went a little long, let's go straight into...
Both The Rec Zone.
Sequoia Simone: So the fanfiction I have for you all today is called Musings. And it is...
Kim: Musings.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, it's like a missing scene from book four, where Cedric is talking to Cho about, like, how he's worried about the tri wizard tournament. And that, like, something nefarious might be happening because he believes Harry, he believes that Harry didn't put his own name in the Goblet of Fire.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia Simone: Very interesting. Very interesting.
Kim: Yeah. I think after the first task, most people were probably like, Yeah. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Exactly. And like Cho is, Cho doesn't want to, like, think about how there could be something nefarious going on because she's worried about Cedric. And it's very good.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia Simone: So a link to that will be in the description of this episode.
Kim: It will also be on our website, mentioned it at the top, mentioned it again, fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia Simone: Also on our website is the story submission form. If you have something that you think would be good for the pod or just that you think we should see with our human eyes, go ahead and submit that on the submission form on our website.
Kim: Also on the website you can find merch. Yes Glitter! digital download is available now on there, so go check that out.
Sequoia Simone: If you would like to tell us about your Valentine traditions at school or anything else we might have asked for, you can find us on social media Instagram, Facebook at @fanaticalfics.
Kim: If you want to send us an email about the thin rewrite of Hogwarts that you did as a child, you can turn that into our email. I know you all did it.
Sequoia Simone: Give it!
Kim: Send us the information at our email at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia Simone: If you want to help out this podcast, there are a few ways that you can do that. One of those ways is to leave a review on Apple Podcasts or rate us on Spotify, leave a review on Facebook, or...
Kim: Way number two is to travel to a nearby multiverse where things are largely the same, but some people have different names and trick those people with slightly different names into listening to this podcast, Trick The Multiverse 2023.
Sequoia Simone: You can also go ahead over to patreon.com/fanaticalfics, over there you got bonus episodes, you got livestreams, there is exclusive merch, which is all really great and wonderful. And mostly you can join us over on Discord where the fanatical fam is doing a lot of really fun, cool stuff like their weird musical movie watch parties.
Kim: Thank you so much to our patrons. Your support lets us keep doing this weird thing, but also thank you to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their song Wolf Star as our theme song. You can find that and more of their excellent music at thewhompingwillows.bandcamp.com.
Both Bye!!!