Episode 121: I Don't Have to Listen to You
Recommendations: A Bundle of Joy
https://archiveofourown.org/works/5922790
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Abbey
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If you’d like to read the original works contained in this transcript, you can find them here!
Sequoia: My little sister…
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: …was in town. and I let her… I was driving around, I gave her my phone, I was like, you're the DJ.
Kim: Okay, that's a big responsibility, although I know you trust Chloe implicitly.
Sequoia: I do, implic… especially with music experiences.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: I gave it to her and I was like, you can pick anything. You can look at my stupid playlists. Oh my gosh, my 2021 top songs…
Kim: Oh yeah?
Sequoia: …of 2021 playlist is really embarrassing, so like, maybe don't click on that. and she was, you know, scroll… she clicked on it, naturally.
Kim: Uh huh. Yeah, I’m…
Sequoia: And was scrolling through it and was like, okay, most of these are like bangers, this is great.
Kim: Oh, okay!
Sequoia: They're all nineties hip hop for some reason.
Kim: Interesting. Yeah, my top 2021 playlist from Spotify is like, hey, you listen to a lot of lo-fi hip hop beats to study and relax, [Sequoia laughs] game to while you work, don't you?
Sequoia: Right. Yeah.
Kim: Maybe, Spotify!
Sequoia: Mine is just like a lot of Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre, so…
Kim: [laughs] What? [both laugh]
Sequoia: And so she's scrolling through it and she was like, okay, I found a song for you to be embarrassed about. And then she started playing it, and it was We're All in This Together from High School Musical. [Kim laughs] I was like, I can't be blamed! It's on the playlist. It's on the Fanatical Fics playlist and I jam to that all the time and it couldn't possibly be my fault! But then I realized that there's a lot of songs on the Fanatical Fics playlist that are not…
Kim: Ah. Oh, wow.
Sequoia: …on my top songs of 2021.
Kim: Just that one?
Sequoia: And then I had to be like, wait, do I seek out [both laugh] We're All in This Together? Do I do that? I don’t know! I don't form memories any more. So, like, I can't possibly know that’s a thing I do.
Kim: [singing] All this together, something, something. I didn’t watch it and I don't know how it goes. [both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: A Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: In which we read Harry Potter fanfiction. But before we read Harry Potter fanfiction, we make some announcements.
Kim: We handle podcast business.
Sequoia: Do some bits. Yeah.
Kim: You know.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Podcast.
Sequoia: [whispering] Podcast, this is a podcast. [Kim laughs] First order of business, last time on the pod…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …we asked the listeners several questions. [laughs]
Kim: We did.
Sequoia: We solicited a lot of input/feedback.
Kim: This is all really important stuff.
Sequoia: Right. Exactly.
Kim: You all delivered. We got some VERY cute Harry mugs.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: And some very fun song suggestions for what Blaise was singing.
Sequoia: And I'd like to continue to receive those.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You know? It's never too late…
Kim: Oh, of course not!
Sequoia: …to sit down and…
Kim: To tweet at us about anything from any episode. [Sequoia laughs] Will we remember it? Probably not. Will we appreciate it? Yes, we will.
Sequoia: Absolutely. Every time. [both laugh] Without a doubt, for sure.
Kim: Oh, man. We're recording this before we did the livestream…
Sequoia: That’s true.
Kim: …extravaganza. I hope you all enjoyed it if you were there, and if you haven’t…
Sequoia: And if not, it's available.
Kim: Yeah, it's on our YouTube.
Sequoia: Yeah. I'll put a link in the description.
Kim: Go check that out.
Sequoia: Yeah. The reason that we are recording this so far in advance, and will continue to record the next few episodes pretty far in advance, is that we're trying to get ahead because I am about to embark on a… on a new journey. [both laugh]
Kim: Your life's path is taking you to new and exciting locales.
Sequoia: Exactly, exactly. The podcast is not going to go away or change…
Kim: Oh, no.
Sequoia: …or anything to that effect, so don't be scared.
Kim: Don't be… don’t be scared.
Sequoia: Don't be scared. It's all going to be okay.
Kim: Mommy and Mommy aren't… aren’t breaking up today.
Sequoia: [laughs] Exactly. I am… I got a professional podcast producing job. [both laugh] Turns out.
Kim: Is that weird to say? It's weird to hear you say.
Sequoia: It is very strange. [both laugh]
Kim: We're professional podcasters! [makes fart noise] Fart nose! Pew pew pew pewww! We've been doing it for almost five years now.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. So, you know…
Kim: Now only I get to go, ah, professional podcaster me, fart noise.
Sequoia: Fart noise. And then when I say it, it's like, oh no. [laughs]
Kim: It's not funny any more because it's the truth.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Maybe it… that makes it funnier.
Sequoia: Does it?
Kim: Because usually we say we're professional podcasters when something's going disastrously wrong.
Sequoia: Right, right.
Kim: Maybe that does make it funnier.
Sequoia: That I literally actually am a professional podcast producer, but still…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: [laughs] …continue to make whatever this is?
Kim: Yeah. I mean, this isn't going to get any different. This is going to stay the same.
Sequoia: No. Exactly. Exactly. I am soon moving across the country to New York City and… and so we wanted to…
Both: …get ahead…
Sequoia: …a little bit.
Kim: Yeah, give you some space to find your footing when you get there.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And then get right back into it.
Sequoia: Exactly. Exactly.
Kim: It being this.
Sequoia: It being [laughs] our Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Kim: That we will be recording…
Sequoia: Which we…
Kim: …at a distance but still together.
Sequoia: Exactly. Which is actually a lot less scary since we had to do it for a whole year already.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah! We already know the drill.
Sequoia: We know the drill. Yeah. So it should be…
Kim: We are going to have to go back to saying rec zone separately, though. That’s a bit of a shame.
Sequoia: Oh, man. Yeah. That's always rough.
Kim: Maybe we'll record a few in advance. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughs] Of just the rec zone intro?
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh]
Sequoia: That's a great idea. I love that.
Kim: Record like a hundred of them.
Sequoia: I love that. That's great.
Kim: We’ll do it today.
Sequoia: I love that for us. Whoo! Okay, well, now that's the end of our announcements.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: That's it. That's all… that’s all we have to say for now.
Kim: Let's do this thing, then.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: This thing being me reading a fanfiction to you.
Sequoia: Yeah! But first, it's me making predictions.
Kim: Well, yeah. This one was sent to us by an anonymous listener. Thank you very much for sending it to me. Let's get into the clues. Trying to decide when I want to dump the exposition. You know how apparently now we have to do an exposition dump about explaining something stupid we’ve done. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, give… give me the… give me the clues first, and then do your exposition dump later.
Kim: The title of this fanfiction is, I Don't Have to Listen to You.
Sequoia: Okay. Is it… it’s I Don't Have to Listen to Youuuuu.
Kim: There's a period in the title.
Sequoia: I don't have to listen to YOU.
Kim: Period.
Sequoia: Okay, great. No, that's good. This is good context.
Kim: And you know what? Here comes the exposition. I read this story… I clicked on the link off the submission form. I read this story without checking the tags…
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: …because they don't matter.
Sequoia: Right. [laughs]
Kim: And I didn’t… I didn't notice the tags until I was copying this into a Google doc, so I could do my edit and content.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: My edit for length and content and grammar and whatever. And that's when I noticed the tags and I was like, oh. What happened to me was that I got hit by Poe's law. Do you know what Poe's law is?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: It's kind of a law of the internet where… so I'm taking this from Wikipedia. Without a clear indicator of the author's intent, every parody of extreme views can be mistaken by some readers for a sincere expression of the views being parodied.
Sequoia: Ohhh! Okay.
Kim: The genre tags are humor, parody and romance.
Sequoia: And you didn't know that it was…
Kim: I didn’t clock this as…
Both: …a parody.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: When I read it.
Sequoia: Interesting! [both laugh]
Kim: I thought it was the thing.
Sequoia: Okay! [laughs]
Kim: So, I want all of you to see if you would have fallen for it like I would.
Sequoia: Yeah, I'm very interested. Okay. When did this come out?
Kim: This story came out post Half Blood Prince.
Sequoia: Okay! My predictions are, prediction number one, there is significant Dumbledore bashing in this fanfiction.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: Prediction number two, this fanfiction takes place during the summer when Harry's at the Dursleys’. And prediction number three, this is… features a fight between Draco and his father, Lucius Malfoy.
Kim: Those are all good tries.
Sequoia: I… it was so hard. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: There just so… there was simultaneously so much and so little to go off of.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. I can see what happened to you.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. I… all right, I'm excited to see what it actually is, which is none of the things I just said, I assume. [laughs]
Kim: Maybe. All right, let's get into I Don't Have to Listen to You.
Sequoia: I don’t have to listen to you!
Kim: Draco was pissed.
Sequoia: Yes! Of course he was! Okay, okay.
Kim: This is a petulant Draco. His lover had abandoned him on their one year anniversary.
Sequoia: What? What? Abandoned him?
Kim: Abandoned!
Sequoia: How dare…
Kim: How dare?
Sequoia: …this person?
Kim: How dare? His lover, who is maybe Harry. [laughs] What? [Sequoia laughs] Who knowwws?
Sequoia: I'm going to go out on a limb here. [laughs]
Kim: Who knows what’s happening?
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: He had everything planned. He would sneak him into his private room where there would be a romantic dinner waiting.
Sequoia: Oh yes.
Kim: It really paid to be head boy of Slytherin.
Sequoia: Head boy of Slytherin?
Kim: Yeah, that is what it says here.
Sequoia: Okay. [both laugh] In his private room.
Kim: His private head boy of Slytherin room.
Sequoia: His head boy of Slytherin room! [both laugh]
Kim: I love… no indication that that's the case, in every fanfiction. It really paid to be head boy of Slytherin because he also had his own private fire where he had planned to make long, hot, sweet love to his boyfriend.
Sequoia: In the fire?
Kim: I don't know! [Sequoia laughs] I left it that way. I was like, does this mean something that I don't understand, or is he going to make love to his boyfriend in the fireplace?
Sequoia: In the fireplace. Inside the fireplace.
Kim: Does this mean that he has his own living room? Like a…
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Like, you know, the Gryffindor common room. Do they mean a common room? They say fire! [Sequoia laughs] Room with a fire.
Sequoia: Maybe it’s a comm… room with a fire in it or they're just like, oh, romance is making love in front of…
Kim: A fire.
Sequoia: …the fireplace, like a bearskin rug or something. [laughs]
Kim: But he does say in! No, he doesn't say in. He says where. He said he has a private fire…
Sequoia: Fire.
Kim: …where…
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: …long, hot, sweet love.
Sequoia: Right. Because I think… I think this is for the romance.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: This is for the romance.
Kim: The fire, some candles.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Did you say bearskin rug?
Sequoia: I did say bearskin rug. [both laugh]
Kim: Incredible. Then they would exchange presents with each other and he would ask him to move into the manor with him after graduation.
Sequoia: Oh my gosh!
Kim: Oh my gosh!
Sequoia: That's a big step. Also, are you living in the manor by yourselves? Or would also… would you also…
Kim: The rest of your family?
Sequoia: Yeah. [chuckles] Into the manor with me and my dad and my mom, and Lord Voldemort, he also lives there. [laughs]
Kim: He does also live there. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Just a minor inconvenience. [laughs]
Kim: Ehh, no one’s going to mind.
Sequoia: They’ve got so many fireplaces in that manor though. [both laugh]
Kim: It was to be the perfect night. But his lover didn't show up to breakfast that morning.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: That was okay. He still had several hours to bring his love to his room. He was going to start at breakfast.
Sequoia: Wow. He had a whole day planned!
Kim: There was going to be dinner waiting. Was… what? Why did you…? Okay, never mind.
Sequoia: No, no, no, no, no, I think he just… he wanted to… maybe… maybe he hadn't communicated the plan yet, so he's going to communicate the plan at breakfast.
Kim: Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah.
Sequoia: And be like, later, I'll sneak you into my private chambers or whatever. But since… yeah, but since it was breakfast…
Kim: Then his love had not shown up for lunch.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: In fact, he hadn't shown up to any classes.
Sequoia: Here's the thing. He is still making your present or planning your…
Kim: Captured by Voldemort.
Sequoia: Or captured by Voldemort.
Kim: But… I know we haven't said Harry yet, but yes, it is Harry.
Sequoia: [laughs] Of course it's Harry!
Kim: Something bad. If you don't see Harry, something bad's happened.
Sequoia: [laughs] Or he left his… he was going to craft his present for their anniversary and he left it till the last minute.
Kim: Oh, Harry. Ridiculous.
Sequoia: So he's just stuck up in the Gryffindor common room trying to craft. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughs] Oh, that’s funny. Draco went in search of his love, hoping nothing had happened to him. He went to the hospital wing, the best first place to check for Harry.
Sequoia: [laughs] Absolutely! [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, that’s actually place number one, so Draco’s actually doing okay here.
Sequoia: He's like, oh no. [laughs]
Kim: Where's Harry? Hospital wing.
Sequoia: Hospital wing. [laughs]
Kim: He even lowered himself to asking his boyfriend's friends if they had seen the missing boy.
Sequoia: Oh my god. He spoke…
Kim: To Ronald.
Sequoia: …directly to Ronald Weasley? [sighs] This is real love.
Kim: For Harry. For Harry.
Sequoia: This is real love. [both laugh]
Kim: They said he had been called to the headmaster's office.
Sequoia: Uh oh.
Kim: Never a good sign.
Sequoia: That's never a good sign.
Kim: So after dinner, he asked the headmaster if he knew where his lover had gone.
Sequoia: Did he phrase it… I hope he phrased it directly that way.
Kim: Oh, for sure.
Kim: [in a whiny drawl] Ah, Headmaster Dumbledore…
In Unison: [in whiny drawls] …where is my lover? [both laugh]
Kim: My lover. [Sequoia laughs] Nothing. that’s nothing. Why are we allowed to do this?
Sequoia: Oh, my gosh. Dumbledore is just like, ugh, Draco.
Kim: Why are you like this?
Sequoia: Why are you like this?
Kim: The headmaster said he knew not, as he had last seen him that morning.
Sequoia: I know not! Dumbledore…
Kim: [squeakily] I know not! [laughs]
Sequoia: Dumbledore just likes to respond in kind. You know…
Kim: Meets the energy where it is.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He's meeting the energy. [laughs]
Kim: Now the Slytherin was worried and pissed off. His plans were ruined and his boyfriend was missing!
Sequoia: It's like, well. [sighs] If nobody knows where he is, then he's probably dead.
Kim: Dead. [both laugh] Captured.
Sequoia: Captured.
Kim: Trying to break into the Ministry of Magic by himself.
Sequoia: Yeah, deciding to do something absolutely wild…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …by himself with no help from his friends.
Kim: Yeah, incredibly brave and incredibly stupid or whatever it is that he does, you know.
Sequoia: Or crafting. Continue. [laughs]
Kim: Or crafting. Incredibly brave and incredibly…
Both: …stupid.
Kim: Crafting?
Sequoia: Crafting.
Kim: The next morning, he made his way to the Great Hall hoping his love would be there safe and sound.
Sequoia: Yeah, this is very concerning at this point.
Kim: Yeah, it's been a whole day. He sat at his usual place between Crabbe and Goyle. He slowly picked at his food as he watched the Gryffindors enter the hall. Still no sign of his love.
Sequoia: Someone… other people…
Both: …should be concerned.
Sequoia: At this point.
Kim: Yes they should. He left the hall and went flying to clear his head and emotions. A Malfoy does not worry.
Sequoia: What? [laughs]
Kim: Yes, he basically… you… come on, buddy. You're not fooling anybody.
Sequoia: Nah, dude.
Kim: No you're not. You’re not fooling anyone. You're worried. It's okay to be worried. It's okay to feel your feelings!
Sequoia: Oh, Draco. Also, everyone else should be worried as well.
Kim: Yeah, everyone should be worried.
Sequoia: Along with you.
Kim: Where is Harry?
Sequoia: They should be collectively experiencing worry.
Kim: Like, have we not learned anything? [Sequoia laughs] At lunch, he again looked for his boyfriend, and still no sign of his love. Just then…
Sequoia: Uh oh.
Kim: …the hall doors swung open…
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: …and in walked his boyfriend in the arms of Seamus Finnigan!
Sequoia: [shouting] WHAT THE FUCK?! [laughs]
Kim: Didn’t see that coming.
Sequoia: Oh, man!
Kim: A twist.
Sequoia: A twist!
Kim: Harry!
Sequoia: I did not see that coming at ALL. And on their one year anniversary?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Harry!
Kim: Harry, what are you doing?
Sequoia: Not that I don't love this pairing… wait a second. [laughs]
Kim: Harry/Seamus? I don’t know that I’ve seen any.
Sequoia: I don’t think I've ever seen this pairing before.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I think I like it. [laughs]
Kim: Okay. I feel my preference would be Harry and Dean.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But that’s just because there's something about, like, ooh, we used to be rivals and now… rivals for another's attentions. And now we're just kissing?
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: There's something about that that's just very delicious for me.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's good. That’s good. I think Seamus has like, you know, a very light and fun and, you know, charismatic energy.
Kim: Yeah, he does.
Sequoia: That maybe is fun with Harry's, like, sort of brooding…
Kim: Sass?
Sequoia: …sass. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: I think that's fun.
Kim: It could work. Yeah, I could see it.
Sequoia: But also…
Kim: Harry?
Sequoia: Maybe not like this. [laughs]
Kim: Harry?
Sequoia: They be like, I thought you were DEAD! [laughs]
Kim: Right? That did it. Draco was officially raging mad.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He got up and stormed out of the hall and down to his room, ignoring the calls after him.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: He almost made it to his room when a hand reached out and grabbed him. “Draco, wait. I need to talk to you.”
Sequoia: What is going on? What is happening?
Kim: High drama. [Sequoia laughs] Okay, would you have pegged this as parody yet?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Right?!
Sequoia: Not… not at all. Yeah. [pause] Yet?
Kim: Oh, we're nowhere near where we're going, my friend.
Sequoia: [laughs] Holy shit. [laughs]
Kim: We're going… we are GOING PLACES. “Draco, wait. I need to talk to you.” “Shut it, Potter. I don't want to talk to you. Go back to Finnigan. I'm sure he'll be more than happy to talk to you.” What do you think? Do you think there's been a misunderstanding that they're trying to rectify by talking about it…
Sequoia: You know, I’m try…
Kim: …but they're not really talking about it?
Sequoia: I'm trying to decide, because Harry…
Kim: What the miscommunication was?
Sequoia: Yeah. Harry seems sort of, you know, genuine in his wanting to explain something to Draco, but I can't understand what possibly…
Kim: What it could possibly be! Yeah.
Sequoia: …he could possibly have to explain here!
Kim: Who knows what it could possibly…. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, no. Is this a… it's a prophecy. It’s a… [laughs]
Kim: “Draco, it's not like that. Seamus is just a friend. Please, you need to listen to me.”
Sequoia: What? I need… okay, wait. Wha… what? Now I'm wondering how in in the arms of Seamus that Harry was when they entered the Great Hall, because it is quite possible that Draco is just like so riled up at this point [Kim laughs] that like one of them was touching the other one's shoulder. [both laugh] Or something like that, and he was like, oh!
Kim: I would say pretty to very.
Sequoia: Pretty to very, okay. Okay.
Kim: In his arms.
Sequoia: Okay, great. Great, great, great.
Kim: “No, I don't need to listen to you. You're not my husband and are not worth listening to.”
Sequoia: Hmm.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: Hmm.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: Hmm. Interesting…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …way to phrase that. [both laugh]
Kim: It is an interesting way to phrase, isn’t it?
Sequoia: Phrase that. Okay.
Kim: You're not my husband. I only listen… I would only…
Sequoia: I would only ever listen to my husband. [laughs] I don't need to listen to you!
Kim: He says to anyone.
Sequoia: Yeah. Who's not his husband.
Kim: McGonagall.
Sequoia: He says to McGonagall, you're not my husband.
Kim: Dumbledore. [both laugh] Whoever the quidditch captain is.
Sequoia: Yeah. Also not his husband.
Kim: This is a common phrase for Draco. Why not?
Sequoia: You're not my husband! [both laugh]
Kim: “Fine. Then, we'll do this your way." The raven haired Gryffindor grabbed the blonde Slytherin’s hand and started dragging him back up the stairs. “Potter, let go!” “No, you're going to listen to me no matter what.” They stopped before the gargoyle statue. “Tongue toffee.” The statue jumped aside, and Harry dragged Draco up the stairs.
Sequoia: So Dumbledore did know what was going on.
Kim: Uhhhh!
Sequoia: He ha… okay.
Kim: [squeakily] Hold for the text!
Sequoia: Okay. Ahhhh, What’s happening?
Kim: Hold for the text. “Come in, gentlemen. What can I do for you?” “Marry us.”
Sequoia: [laughs uncontrollably] Wait, what? [continues laughing]
Kim: What? Makes perfect sense.
Sequoia: Oh no. What?
Kim: This makes perfect sense.
Sequoia: Wait. What? You're not my husband. Well, then, I’ll become your husband! [both laugh] Not where I saw that going.
Kim: No?
Sequoia: Not where I saw that going.
Kim: It's not? [Sequoia laughs] Obviously.
Sequoia: I like that Dumbledore has the authority to…
Kim: The authority to do this thing. Yep.
Sequoia: …to do marriages.
Kim: Yep. I like that too.
Sequoia: He got… he got registered online to be able to do… to perform marriages. [both laugh] Just… [laughs] Harry knew that because they're friends and they…
Kim: Chat.
Sequoia: He's got the little… he printed out his certificate from whatever online thing he got his certificate…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …from.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And it's hanging on the wall next to the rest of the portraits of the old headmasters.
Kim: Maybe this was Harry's… well, I'm not going to… I’m not gonna lead you down any paths.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Okay. Okay.
Kim: Let's continue. “Marry us.” “What? Very well. Do you have…”
Sequoia: Dumbledore! [laughs] Why didn’t Dumbledore have ANY questions? Have any… have one question? No questions?
Kim: No questions.
Sequoia: No questions. Okay.
Kim: This is fine.
Sequoia: Okay, fine.
Kim: Harry wants to get married.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: Let's do it. Here we go! “Very well. Do you have the rings, Harry?” smiled Dumbledore. “Potter, you're out of your mind,” hissed Draco, as the headmaster started the ceremony.
Sequoia: Just… [laughs] Dumbledore!
Kim: [squeakily] Dearly beloved…
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Kim: …we're gathered here today… that's not in the text. I'm just saying.
Sequoia: [laughs] He says to no one. He says to the portraits.
Kim: Yeah. Dearly departed headmasters and headmistresses… gathered here today. “Yes.” He turned to Draco. “But this is the only way you’ll listen to me. Don't you love me?” Wild.
Sequoia: Oh my god. Wild. Wild!
Kim: “Yes, I do,” the Slytherin admitted. “But you hurt me.” “I now pronounce you man and husband.”
Sequoia: Oh my god! [laughs] Nobody even said I do.
Kim: He did actually just say, I do.
Sequoia: Oh, he did say I do. Dumbledore!
Kim: It was in reference to… he was answering a different que… [wails] [laughs]
Sequoia: [weakly] Dumbledore ask any questions!
Kim: “Man and husband.”
Sequoia: Man and husband.
Kim: “What?”
Sequoia: Well, that was a magical binding contract, I'm sure, that you'll… [both laugh] there you go, it's done.
Kim: Always is! “Just sign here, Mr. Malfoy. I need to send this paperwork to the Ministry.”
Sequoia: He’s just got the paperwork ready.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Why does he have the paperwork ready?
Kim: He did. He always does.
Sequoia: He's always ready to perform marriages for his students? [laughs]
Kim: Yeah! Yikes.
Sequoia: Constantly prepared to marry…
Kim: Wizards get married really young. So…
Sequoia: They do, they do. So, you know.
Kim: Dumbledore’s just got to be prepared.
Sequoia: He's got be ready.
Kim: It’s just a part of being headmaster of Hogwarts.
Sequoia: The headmaster. And in fact, every headmaster…
Kim: Yep!
Sequoia: …has always had to. [laughs]
Kim: Yep. Wait. This is post Half Blood Prince. Never mind.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh no.
Kim: Draco nodded his head and signed his name under Harry's. “Well, now, I better see the house elves about a wedding feast.”
Sequoia: YEEES!
Kim: Going to celebrate as a whole school.
Sequoia: As a whole school.
Kim: The marriage of Harry and…
Sequoia: Wow, there's been a lot of wedding feasts this year.
Kim: …Draco. [both laugh] It's weird. Once the headmaster left, Draco finally found his voice. I feel like he's been spluttering and yelling what's happening for… never mind. [chuckles] “Potter, what the hell is going on?” “You wouldn't listen to me unless I was your husband. So we got married. Now you have to listen to me.”
Sequoia: [laughs] Jesus Christ!
Kim: This all read as perfectly normal to me. [Sequoia laughs] I don’t know what that says about me. Maybe that says something about me that I didn't clock this is as a parody.
Sequoia: That… that… yeah. I don't think I would have clocked it as parody either, though.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Because parody of… of what? [laughs]
Kim: Drarry?
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Melodramatic Drarry stories?
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Except it's just like… [both laugh] it's a little shorter than they usually are. There's no build up.
Sequoia: Right. Right. Okay. So they're married now and Harry's going to tell him why he was making out with Seamus in the Great Hall or whatever.
Kim: “Now you have to listen to me, and you're not going to leave this room until you hear the whole story.” The Slytherin relented. “You're my husband now.”
Sequoia: Myyyy husband.
Kim: And sat in one of the comfy chairs, ready to listen to his husband's sorry excuse for going out with Finnigan.
Sequoia: Yeah, I'm ready to hear it too.
Kim: Okay. “Draco, do you remember when I had a headache last month and it was so bad I went to the hospital wing for a potion?” “Yes. But what does that have anything to do with it?”
Sequoia: Uh huh?
Kim: “Well, that week, there had been an outbreak of chickenpox among the muggleborns.” Which I'm going to pause after because, what?
Sequoia: Why don't… do… wait. Do purebloods not get chickenpox?
Kim: Great question.
Sequoia: Why?
Kim: Why do muggleborns get chickenpox and wizards… and…
Sequoia: [laughs] What? Why don’t… why don’t… why don’t…
Kim: No. I think this isn’t… that’s probably… that doesn’t…
Sequoia: That doesn't check out.
Kim: Maybe… maybe…
Sequoia: Maybe… oh, nope.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: I got nothing.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I have nothing at all. Nothing at all.
Kim: They forgot to vaccinate the muggleborns. [Sequoia laughs] With all the magical vaccines.
Sequoia: The magical vaccines.
Kim: Oopsie doopsie. [Sequoia sighs] You’d think they would do that.
Sequoia: Also, how did none of the muggleborns got chickenpox when they were kids?
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: You get chickenpox when you're a kid.
Kim: Little. Except you don't any more.
Sequoia: Oh, right.
Kim: Because we have vaccines now.
Sequoia: Right. Right, right, right.
Kim: That was an us problem.
Sequoia: Right. Yeah. Okay, great.
Kim: Anyway!
Sequoia: So he had chickenpox?
Kim: No. He didn't. That was just a side thing.
Sequoia: That was just a side note? Okay.
Kim: There was an outbreak of chickenpox among the muggleborns apparently in this story because there needed to be make this next thing happen. “And Madam Pomfrey was busy and couldn't get me the potion. So she asked Dobby to get the green pain reliever potion.”
Sequoia: Uh oh.
Kim: “He was there helping with the care of the patients. He was more than happy to help, but Dobby is color blind.” [Sequoia laughs] Apparently. It doesn’t… doesn’t sound right, we're fine.
Sequoia: Oh, no. What did he give him?
Kim: Dobby needs to be color blind for this next part to happen.
Sequoia: Right, everything’s…
Kim: So we have chickenpox outbreak to make Madam Pomfrey busy, Madam Pomfrey’s busy so Dobby got him a potion.
Both: But Dobby’s color blind.
Kim: So that the potion can be, instead… “Dobby is color blind and gave me the blue fertility potion instead.”
Sequoia: NOOOO! What?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: How does this…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: …explain…
Kim: Why…
Sequoia: …anything?
Kim: Why does Madam Pomfrey just have that?
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Why does she just have that?
Sequoia: First of all. You work in a school.
Kim: Hey, Poppy? Hey, Poppy? Hey, Poppy, maybe keep that somewhere else. Hey, Poppy?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. Maybe that shouldn't be accessible to students or whatever.
Kim: Maybe keep that in your private stores. [Sequoia laughs] For later.
Sequoia: Oh, fertility potion.
Kim: Harry took a deep breath and started to pace as he became really nervous. “You know how I've been sick for two weeks now?”
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: “So I was going to go back and get checked out, when instead I got summoned into the headmaster's office. Dumbledore explained the mix up and asked if I had been feeling all right.”
Sequoia: So Dumbledore does know what’s going on?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: That’s why… I guess that's why there were less questions.
Sequoia: About the marriage. [Kim laughs] Cool. [both laugh] Cool, cool, cool. Sure, sure, sure.
Kim: “Then he sent me to the hospital wing for a check up. Seamus was there on detention duty from Snape. He stayed for moral support when the test came back positive.”
Sequoia: The pregnancy teeeest.
Kim: Correct!
Sequoia: There it is, the mpreg! It's here, it's here.
Kim: It is here.
Sequoia: It is here.
Kim: Haven’t done of these in a while.
Sequoia: It's been a minute. Okay. I’m s…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: So you just…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: You drink the potion… wait a second.
Kim: What? [Sequoia laughs] You drink the potion and then you get pregnant.
Sequoia: And then you get pregnant.
Kim: Duh, it's magic.
Sequoia: Right. But like…
Kim: Magically.
Sequoia: Now I'm even more concerned about the availability of this potion. [both laugh] ‘Cause at first, I was like, oh, it's just like, I don't know, helpful if you're trying to become pregnant, you take the fertility potion and it does a little help you out. I didn't infer immediately that you would just drink the potion and then there would be a baby.
Kim: You think…? You think…? Well, I mean, I think there was something… there was a… there was another step in there, Sequoia. Do we need to… I know sex ed is bad here, buddy. Buddy?
Sequoia: [laughs] Is it Draco’s baby?
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: A hundred percent. Do you think Poppy is running a little side business where she brews up medical potions, mail order kind of thing?
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Kim: And then she was going to ship it out. She had it out.
Sequoia: Right. Because she…
Kim: She didn't finish the packaging.
Sequoia: She doesn’t…
Kim: Because of all the chickenpox.
Sequoia: There was all the chickenpox. Right. She got distracted.
Kim: She got distracted.
Sequoia: While she was packaging her… her…
In Unison: …side hustle. [both laugh]
Kim: It all makes sense.
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: All makes sense.
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: So Seamus was just there for moral support…
Sequoia: Okay, yeah.
Kim: …when the pregnancy test came back positive. “Unfortunately, Madam Pomfrey knows nothing about male pregnancies.” Isn't that weird? [Sequoia laughs] Imagine that! She knows nothing about it! “So Seamus took me to see his mum. She is a healer that specializes in male and female pregnancies.”
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: What a coincidence!
Sequoia: What a coincidence. So Seamus was just being helpful.
Kim: Yes. “She has a small practice in Ireland, and we stayed the night because I was drained emotionally from worrying and magically from flooing.”
Sequoia: From flooing to Ireland?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Sure. Fine. [laughs]
Kim: I don’t think that’s how that works, but fine, buddy.
Sequoia: But fine.
Kim: He was sleepy.
Sequoia: I can't believe he didn’t like inform…
Kim: Send an owl.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Send an owl.
Sequoia: Send an owl. Because… mainly because… you're Harry Potter.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: So… so the natural…
Kim: Everybody is assuming that something has gone terribly wrong.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Send an owl.
Sequoia: Even if you're going to be gone for like half a day…
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: …send an owl.
Kim: Yes. This is all Harry’s fault. [Sequoia laughs] This is a misunderstanding that could have been prevented by communicating.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Classic. “This morning we went to Diagon Alley. I went to Gringotts and got the Potter wedding bands from my vault because I love you and I wanted to marry you.”
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh! That's nice.
Kim: Still didn't send an owl though.
Sequoia: [laughs] No. Yeah. No communication.
Kim: No communication.
Sequoia: No communication.
Kim: They definitely like… maybe… maybe Seamus's mom's owl’s out, and so he couldn't send that from there.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Diagon Alley definitely has a post office.
Sequoia: Absolutely.
Kim: Sooo…
Sequoia: Yeah. The Potter wedding bands.
Kim: The Potter wedding bands!
Sequoia: Oh yes.
Kim: It feels like we don't see those enough in fics. I would love more fics about…
Sequoia: Inherited wedding bands? [chuckles]
Kim: Yeah. I think it's sweet.
Sequoia: Yeah, it is nice.
Kim: Harry took Draco’s hand in his, playing with the gold bands on their fingers. “Then we came straight here and Seamus was holding me up because I was still shaky from the floo.”
Sequoia: That’s… that's not anything. [laughs]
Kim: No, he's having morning sickness.
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean, that’s something.
Kim: Maybe the spinning in the floo…
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: …is kind of triggering some…
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: …unpleasant feelings…
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: …inside of his tummy zone.
Sequoia: Right. No, that makes sense. I'm back.
Kim: Okay. All right.
Sequoia: This all tracks.
Kim: All tracks. Everything in this story…
Sequoia: Every single thing.
Kim: …has made sense and doesn't read as parody.
Sequoia: [laughs] I think…
Kim: Have we gotten to a point where you would have gotten suspicious?
Sequoia: I think we might have got… yeah! [laughs]
Kim: All right, fine. It's just me!
Sequoia: I think we finally got there for me.
Kim: Fine. Did not… this did not at any point read as parody to me.
Sequoia: Wow. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughs] Oh my god, what's wrong with me? “Then before I could talk to you, you ran off and wouldn't listen. And that's why we're here now.” Got married.
Sequoia: That's good. That’s good.
Kim: Because you wouldn't talk to me. That was the only choice.
Sequoia: And because… and because they… you know, he… his whole thing was that he was going to marry Draco. He went to go get the…
Kim: Well, yeah, he was going to marry him anyway, yeah.
Sequoia: The bands and everything.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He was ready. He was prepared.
Kim: Maybe Harry talked about it a little more. Draco was just getting ready for like the moving in together stage.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: I feel like.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: With all that said, he collapsed in his husband's lap. [Sequoia laughs] He's emotionally drained. This was just too much to process.
Sequoia: That's a lot.
Kim: It’s so much
Sequoia: That's a lot at once.
Kim: Harry was pregnant with his child? It all made sense now. The green tea. The slight moodiness.
Sequoia: [laughs] I'm sorry, did you say green tea?
Kim: I did say green tea.
Sequoia: Interesting.
Kim: Can you explain?
Sequoia: I cannot.
Kim: Okay. [Sequoia laughs] Was… was this a thing in mid two thousands?
Sequoia: In the mid two thousands?
Kim: Where we thought that green tea…
Sequoia: Was something something about…
Kim: …something something?
Sequoia: Or maybe he'd never drank green tea before, and then all of a sudden he was craving green tea. I guess?
Kim: I don’t think that's a trope. About pregnancy.
Sequoia: Well, cravings are a trope.
Kim: Sure, but not green tea.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: It's pickles.
Sequoia: It’s… [laughs]
Kim: Anyway.
Sequoia: Ah, that explains all the pickles.
Kim: It explains everything! [both laugh] All his anger about their missed date seem to fade away. This was the best present he could have ever hoped for.
Sequoia: Aww.
Kim: Sweet, you're seventeen. But also fine.
Sequoia: Awww!
Kim: Fine, guys. A child and a husband to love. Well, now that they were legally married and there was no divorce in the wizarding world…
Sequoia: Yeah, okay. Okay. That…
Kim: That…
Sequoia: That is parody.
Kim: That’s the line? Read as fine and normal to me.
Sequoia: That's parody!
Kim: What are you talking about?! There's no divorce in the wizarding world. I was like, yeah, fine. [Sequoia laughs] These boys are going to stay together forever. You want to ensure that? Fine, do that.
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs] Okay! It's a magically binding contract.
Kim: It is.
Sequoia: I did call that.
Kim: It is! Am I too deep in the fanfiction whatever? Am I… am I broken forever? Am I gonna get… is there any chance of recovery for me?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I think this is just what your life is now. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughs] No divorce. Yeah, sure, that's fine! Keep reading! [both laugh] Well, now that they were legally married and there was no divorce in the wizarding world, Harry would always be his. He wrapped his arms around his husband's waist and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. “Well, Harry, this is a shock, but a happy one. I was mad this morning because I thought you'd forgotten our anniversary. I was also a tad jealous of you arriving with Finnigan. You missed our romantic date and the mad, passionate sex I had planned out for you.”
Sequoia: [laughs] In the fire. [laughs]
Kim: In the fire. Yeah. [both laugh] The Slytherin smirked as he heard the Gryffindor moan.
Sequoia: Gross.
Kim: What? [Sequoia laughs] We're going to get gross now. Sorry not sorry.
Sequoia: Oh, dang!
Kim: “But I think I can excuse you this one time. I may not be so forgiving next time.” Next time send an owl, Harry.
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean, there’s…
Kim: This could all be… oh my god.
Sequoia: There's a lot. [laughs]
Kim: I have something important to tell you. I'm okay. I'll be back later.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: I love you. That’s all you have to say.
Sequoia: Will you marry me?
Kim: Oh, maybe that too.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Think about it maybe if you want to get married ASAP.
Sequoia: Yeah, tomorrow. [both laugh]
Kim: “I love you Draco, and I'll make up for missing last night on our honeymoon.” [both laugh] Harry's voice was thick with lust.
Sequoia: [laughing] Gross!
Kim: “I love you, Harry Malfoy-Potter.”
Sequoia: Oh! That's how we're…
Kim: Not Potter-Malfoy?
Sequoia: That’s how we're going with it?
Kim: Harry Potter-Malfoy. Harry Malfoy-Potter. Which one sounds better?
Sequoia: I think maybe Malfoy-Potter sounds better.
Kim: Okay. “Harry Malfoy-Potter. And I know you'll make it up to me starting now.”
Sequoia: Now? We’re in… you're in the headmaster’s office still!
Kim: Huh? What do you mean? [Sequoia laughs] Draco quickly covered Harry's lips, which had been teasing him since they started this whirlwind wedding, with his own. Soon, their tongues were battling…
Both: …FOR DOMINANCE!
Sequoia: Yeeeess!
Kim: This probably should have been my tip off.
Sequoia: Yes. There it is, there it is. [laughs] Yeah, come on. Come on!
Kim: Look, the thing that that's from is not parody.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That was a sincere fic about Harry getting pregnant.
Sequoia: Right. [pause] And? [laughs]
Kim: All right. Their tongues were battling for dominance, sending fire straight to his loins.
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, there's a fire theme here. [laughs]
Kim: He wanted nothing more than to take Harry right then and there.
Sequoia: In the headmaster's office.
Kim: But…
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: …that would have to wait.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay.
Kim: Because they're in the headmaster’s office.
Sequoia: They ARE in the headmaster’s office.
Kim: Surrounded by portraits, and what's his face.
Sequoia: All the portraits.
Kim: The… the.. the… the Black… headmaster Black…
Sequoia: Phillius. Nigellius.
Kim: …is going to go tell his mom.
Sequoia: Oh, for sure.
Kim: Narcissa! you'll never guess what I saw!
Sequoia: I mean, he’s already…
Kim: He might already be there.
Sequoia: Yeah, he's already gone. Because… [laughs]
Kim: Okay. That makes more sense. Took it out… took off after the wedding.
Sequoia: You will not guess what I just saw.
Kim: Narcissa’s like, what? “That was a good start. [suggestively] The rest will have to wait till toniiiight.” That's Draco. I know it didn't sound like him.
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: Apparently I have to use that inflection when I'm trying to talk to you about sexual stuff. [Sequoia laughs] We're going to make it through this together. [Sequoia laughs again] We can do this, buddy. [Sequoia continues to laugh at length] “Dracoooo!”
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: “No, my love. You'll just have to wait,” smirked Draco. “Right now, we have things to do.”
Sequoia: There is a lot to discuss, to be fair.
Kim: “Like what?” [Sequoia laughs] “I have to fire call mother, and you have to fire call the Weasleys. And we have to make an announcement for the Daily Prophet.”
Sequoia: Of course
Kim: “And then move your things into my rooms.”
Sequoia: The private… the private…
Kim: The private chambers.
Sequoia: Chambers, yeah.
Kim: Yeah. Harry went pale. He had forgotten about contacting their families. Harry?
Sequoia: Harry?
Kim: Hey, Harry?
Sequoia: [laughs] He's got the pregnancy brain fog.
Kim: All right. Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Does that kick in immediately? It seems like he's not that pregnant.
Sequoia: This is a magical pregnancy.
Kim: Okay!
Sequoia: So I assume… [laughs]
Kim: Sure! Now that they were married, they would all demand to know why they weren't invited to the wedding.
Sequoia: Listen.
Kim: ‘Cause… ‘cause Harry’s pregnant and it needed to happen immediately.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] About that.
Kim: Thank god Lucius had received the kiss after the final battle last summer…
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: …where he finally killed Voldemort.
Sequoia: Whoa! Oh, shit! Oh fuck!
Kim: We're like… we’re like sentences away from the end of the fic.
Sequoia: Oh fuck!
Kim: Voldemort is dead!
Sequoia: Oh fuck! Voldemort’s dead! [laughs]
Kim: This is all post Voldemort.
Sequoia: That’s… [laughs] it makes more sense now about Draco inviting Harry to live in the mansion, though. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, it’s… he’s… he's actually the lord of Malfoy Manor now.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: He inherited.
Sequoia: He was like, thank god Lucius Malfoy died.
Kim: He didn’t die! He had his soul sucked out through his mouth!
Sequoia: Worse than death.
Kim: Worse than death? Souls are real?! Never mind. [Sequoia laughs] Oh, I guess we’re… we're actually in Harry's perspective. Harry's like, thank God, Lucius is fucking whatever.
Sequoia: That makes way more sense.
Kim: Because Harry's about to think, “It looked like he would be making the news once again.”
Sequoia: And that's the end?
Kim: No. [Sequoia laughs] “Am I really moving into your rooms?” “Of course, my darling husband. Now that you're mine, I'm never going to leave your side.” Yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yikes, yikes, yikes!
Kim: Yikes. Yikes, dudes, keep it together. Draco wrapped his arms around Harry and held him close. “I think I'm going to like being married to you.” Harry snuggled into the warm embrace. “My love, this is just the beginning and I hope it never ends." [Sequoia makes a retching sound] [Sequoia laughs] The end.
Sequoia: Okayyyyyy! Wow. Wow!
Kim: I finished reading that and I was like, yep, that's a totally normal… well, it's like a slightly heightened Drarry fic.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Funny enough for the pod.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: But still within the realms of me believing that somebody would write that on purpose.
Sequoia: [laughs] Wow. It had everything, really.
Kim: it had everything
Sequoia: It really had everything.
Kim: Which I think is a good… it’s a good thing for a parody fic like this.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s a…
Kim: Right, that it hit all the notes and [laughs] it hit really well.
Sequoia: It did hit all the notes.
Kim: Just really well done.
Sequoia: There was a… I didn't see it coming in the beginning. They really did a good job, you know [Kim laughs] sort of lulling you into a false sense of security that this was going to be a regular anniversary. Harry and Draco's anniversary. You're having a cute dinner together, right?
Kim: I think that probably wouldn’t have risen to the level of parody though.
Sequoia: Right. But they… they lulled you into that place.
Kim: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. And then, just sort of sprung a twist.
Kim: Two twists.
Sequoia: That wasn't even the twist. [chuckles] Yeah. It was like, here's the twist. Wait a second. This is not even the twist!
Kim: [chuckles] So good. You got zero points.
Sequoia: Yep. Yeah.
Kim: I don't think the Dumbledore in there counts as Dumbledore bashing.
Sequoia: It doesn’t. He was a little weird, but he was… yeah, but it wasn't…
Kim: Within normal ranges of weird. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. That would have been… man, I should have guessed Drarry. I was going to guess a pairing and then I got too scared to guess a pairing.
Kim: Uh huh. You know, I felt like we could do a double dose of Drarry since we went so long.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. Since we got to Drarrycon one. We haven’t… the…
Kim: Two hot idiots. Two hot idiots!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah,
Both: Two hot idiots!
Sequoia: That episode hasn't come out yet, so no one's yelled at us about it yet!
Kim: No one’s tweeted at us, but I’m… I'm wond… well, I bet we… stupid.
Sequoia: It's fine. Okay, well, I guess it's time for…
Both: …a quick ficsss!
Kim: Quick fics is the segment where one of us will summarise a story that we read that was perfect and beautiful and shiny in its own special way but maybe it wasn't right for the podcast for one reason or another. What do you have for us today, Sequoia?
Sequoia: I have a listener submission from Sophie. This is called A Beneficial Arrangement.
Kim: It's a very promising title.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Is this fake dating?
Sequoia: It's not. Even close.
Kim: Arranged marriage?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: So this is also like pregnancy story. An accidental pregnancy story.
Kim: [chuckles] Okay.
Sequoia: Which I think is quite funny…
Kim: That’s very funny.
Sequoia: …that we had done this. It takes place in sometimewine at some time, where there’s… McGonagall and Tom Riddle went to school at the same time.
Kim: That’s…
Sequoia: Did they? Did they?
Kim: That maybe… I don't… I think she's a little older than him?
Sequoia: I think she's a little older than him. But in… in this timeline they went to school together at the same time, they were both in the slug club. And so there's like a Hogwarts alumni slug club meeting, you know, where Slughorn has all of his old students that are now influential and powerful and blah, blah, blah over to his house for a little party.
Kim: Great. Great. He does that.
Sequoia: So at one of these slug club parties, Minerva McGonagall… Minerva McGonagall shows up looking super hot.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And Tom Riddle shows up, and he's barely in his like working at Borgin and Burkes phase.
Kim: He's still super hot.
Sequoia: And so he's still super hot.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: So they hook up.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: McGonagall gets pregnant.
Kim: Oh noooo!
Sequoia: And then insists that they get married.
Kim: Oh nooooo!
Sequoia: And he's like, well, I guess I could do worse. [both laugh] She's fine.
Kim: Okay!
Sequoia: And so they get married and they… they raise little Marvolo together.
Kim: Oh, GOD!
Sequoia: And it's from Tom Riddle’s perspective. And Tom Riddle’s like, ah, you know, I wanted to bring her into the fold of my…
Kim: Uh huh. Evil…
Sequoia: …evil…
Kim: …minion…
Sequoia: …machinations.
Kim: …thing that I was doing. Sure.
Sequoia: Yeah. But I mentioned the name, Voldemort, to her and she thought that sounded really silly.
Kim: She laughed for three hours?
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: Good for her. Good for her.
Sequoia: So he's decided to keep his evilness and his followers and his whatever under wraps.
Kim: Uh oh.
Sequoia: But by the end of the story, it seems Minerva is figuring out that he is maybe doing an evil thing. And she's like, don't do that. [laughs]
Kim: Okay!
Sequoia: And then he's like, oh, she's mad at me. I guess I'll postpone my Death Eater meeting I was supposed to have today and go over to her parents’ house for dinner. [both laugh] And the story ends. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, that’s really funny.
Sequoia: Whoooo, it was… ho! Ho! [laughs]
Kim: That’s funny.
Sequoia: It's wild.
Kim: That's a good one.
Sequoia: I'm going to put a link to that in the description.
Kim: Yeah, that’s a good one. I like that.
Sequoia: You need to read it. It's a good one.
Kim: Ooh.
Sequoia: Anyway, thanks so much to Sophie for sending that in.
Kim: Hell, yeah.
Sequoia: And now it's time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pewww!
Kim: And I’ve apparently… we're doing a thing, apparently.
Sequoia: Oh NO!
Kim: The recommendation I have today is called A Bundle of Joy.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, Jesus! What are we doing today? What are we doing today?
Kim: How do we do this sometimes? How is that sometimes… we did this with snorlaks too.
Sequoia: Oh, we did. I have no idea.
Kim: It's not like we talk about this stuff… I didn't even like plan… I did semi plan the snorlaks episode, it was Luna, Luna.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: This one, I did not plan this in advance.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Forgot what was happening, picked a good story off my list called A Bundle of Joy. It is some super cute Wolfstar plus Harry family fluff.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah!
Kim: So I loved it.
Sequoia: Well.
Kim: This was sent to me by an anonymous listener. Thank you for sending this my way.
Sequoia: There you go! [laughs]
Kim: This is the baby episode.
Sequoia: There you go!
Both: This is the baby episode! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Weird! [laughs]
Kim: Why’d we do this? I don't know.
Sequoia: I have no idea. You can find a link to that recommendation in the description of this episode and also on our website.
Kim: Fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: On our website, you can also find the story submission form.
Kim: Everything today…
Sequoia: Everything today…
Kim: …was a listener submission.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You're all doing a great job. Thank you very much for continuing to send us fun stuff and also wild stuff.
Sequoia: We love it. We love to read it.
Kim: Both of those things and everything in the middle. Also on our website you can find our merchandise. On the website we've got some bookmarks and stuff like that. And then there's also a link to our TeePublic, where you can find a wide variety of designs on a wide variety of objects.
Sequoia: If you want to send in anything we've ever asked for on the podcast, [Kim laughs] anything we've ever solicited, you can find us on social media, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook @FanaticalFics.
Kim: If what you have to send us that we've solicited at any point in time is a little longer, [Sequoia laughs] you can send it into our email, fanaticalfics@gmail.com. If you like this podcast and you want to help us out, there are a few ways you can do that. Way number one! Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Facebook, whoever else has decided to accept reviews and we're not tracking… we’re not trackin’ it very well.
Sequoia: [laughs] You can also [dramatically] trick the planet 2022!
Kim: Planet, planet, planet. Oh, sorry. Two, two, two. [both laugh]
Sequoia: We're going for global domination!
Kim: [laughs] Why are using like a radio shock jock voice?
Sequoia: [laughing] I have no idea. [both laugh] Woo!
Kim: You can also join us on Patreon. We do a bonus episode every month and lots of fun stuff on our Discord. So, you know, come hang. Thanks to our patrons for letting us do this silly shit. And also thanks to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their song Wolfstar as our theme song. You can find all of their excellent music on the whompingwillows.bandcamp.com.
Both: Byeeee!