Episode 120: A Mug of Warm Milk/Wild Thing
Recommendations: Awrooooo
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2897148/1/Awrooooo
Sequoia: Yeah, and that's not me. I don't form memories.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: I think I did once upon a time when I was young.
Kim: Because you need to form a memory that you have a coupon. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughs] It's like when I try and do…
Kim: And then act upon that memor…
Sequoia: …punch cards.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Yeah, like what… you think I'm going to remember that I have a punch card? I don’t remember that I had a punch card. Why would I remember that?
Kim: I have a… I have a Snitchwiches punch card, I carry it in my wallet.
Sequoia: Oh my god! [laughs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: A Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: On this podcast, we read bonkers wild Harry Potter fanfiction.
Kim: Sometimes. I've been doing like a light fluff thing of late.
Sequoia: [laughs] Actually, yeah, I think maybe the description of our podcast has changed over time.
Kim: Yeah. Sometimes it's just like some fanfiction. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Well, welcome to the podcast, everybody.
Kim: Some perfectly normal…
Sequoia: This is fine. [laughs] Sometimes, in fact, I… usually I, sometimes us, guest on other podcasts.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And recently we were having a chat here in the bullshit portion of the podcast, and I was yelling about how I can only write one character, which is FF canon Blaise. And I took…
Kim: We can only talk about one character too during…
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: …our podcast now, also
Sequoia: [laughs] There is only one character.
Kim: We're having like a brain sickness and it seems to maybe be debilitating.
Sequoia: [laughs] Exactly. I took this character, renamed it but really but it was just FF canon Blaise…
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: …onto this other podcast called My Neighbors Are Dead. That episode is out now.
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: I will put Spotify and Apple Podcast links in the description, but you can search My Neighbors Are Dead on any podcast app and find it, me playing that character in a… in an improv, interview style comedy show.
Kim: That sounds so fun.
Sequoia: So check that out.
Kim: Hey, you said the word Spotify and that reminded me of something that's not on our announcements list but I do think we should probably drop an announcement for right now. Here I go.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: Spotify added reviews like a month ago.
Sequoia: They did. They did, they…
Kim: To podcasts.
Sequoia: Yes. They didn't have them before.
Kim: Yeah, it's a new feature. So if you listen to us on Spotify, go ahead and drop us a review. It would be really nice.
Sequoia: Yeah, that’d be great.
Kim: If you want to. You don't have to. [Sequoia laughs] Thanks.
Sequoia: Do it! Okay. [both laugh] Another announcement.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So we have been talking about this livestream extravaganza that we're going to do.
Kim: [shouting] Livestream extravaganza!
Sequoia: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Will you do that every time I say it?
Kim: Maybe.
Sequoia: All right, cool. I could dig that.
Kim: Probably not. [laughs]
Sequoia: Do you form memories? Probably not. So we are doing this livestream this month. We're going to do it on the twenty ninth. That's a Saturday, the twenty ninth, at noon Mountain Time.
Kim: That's the time that it is where we are.
Sequoia: Where we are. Yeah.
Both: So…
Sequoia: [laughs] So it all revolves around us. That livestream, put it on your calendars. It's open to everyone. So make sure to join us, and we're going to be doing some Harry Potter trivia, some Fanatical Fics trivia, some fanfiction reading, some Q&A. You can submit questions for any of those, and that deadline has been extended.
Kim: We extended the deadline for the question and trivia portion submissions to the twenty third because, you know, we didn't know what day we were actually going to do the livestream when we set the deadline before. [both laugh]
Sequoia: We just sort of set an arbitrary deadline.
Kim: Like, that’ll give us enough time!
Sequoia: We're so good at this.
Kim: We had other things going on…
Sequoia: We did…
Kim: …in our lives.
Sequoia: We did have other things going on.
Kim: We're just too hot idiots [both laugh] doing our best. [both laugh at length]
Sequoia: [inhales] Whoo! Okay. [laughs] Okay, yeah, that we are. Now we’re… now we’re… [laughs] and now it's part of the podcast where two hot idiots read Harry Potter fanfiction. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughs] I don’t know that I can, I made myself cry. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh no, it's too early!
Kim: Why did I say that?
Sequoia: I have no idea. You're also doing like a shoulder… like a shoulder thing.
Kim: I was.
Sequoia: Shoulders. Two hot idiots. [laughs]
Kim: Out on the town, looking for adventure. And mystery?
Sequoia: There's definitely a prophecy involved.
Kim: What will they get into next?
Sequoia: [laughs] Well, next what they're going to get into is reading some Harry Potter fanfiction, I think.
Kim: Oh, right.
Sequoia: Is… is… it's generally how the podcast goes. I…
Kim: Are you doing two?
Sequoia: …am doing two today.
Kim: Okay. I'm seeing two on here, and the names are eye catching.
Sequoia: [laughs] I'm doing two. They're both listener submissioooons!
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: Pew pew pew pew pewww! Everybody, make predictions. You can make three predictions about what's going to happen in this fanfiction.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: I'm going to give you three clues.
Kim: Got some fun… people did pretty darn well last time.
Sequoia: Yeah. And very…
Kim: And we got some fun art of snorlakses.
Sequoia: We did. [both laugh] Everybody did a pretty good job. A lot of people clued in that Luna was gonna be in the fanfiction, so y'all are doing a great job. Continue to send us your predictions on Twitter, on Instagram, in the Patreon Discord for those house points. Write them on the sidewalk in sidewalk chalk, text them to your best friend. Here's the clues…
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: …for this fanfiction.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Which all of you, including Kim, are going to make some predictions on. It is called A Mug of Warm Milk. It was sent to us by an anonymous listener. This is humor/parody.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And It came out before Half Blood Prince.
Kim: All right, are you ready? I'm not, but I'm going to go anyway.
Sequoia: Here we go. I'm ready.
Kim: Prediction number one. The story is going to start out with someone not being able to sleep.
Sequoia: Nice. I like.
Kim: Prediction number two, the story is going to revolve around someone getting up into shenanigans just trying to get a cup of milk. [Sequoia laughs] Prediction number three, there will be no milk in this story. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughs] Those are all very good. I accept your predictions.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: Your predictions have been accepted.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: They are now being locked in the vault…
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: …to be extracted at a later date.
Kim: Should we get a vault?
Sequoia: That can be fun. You could fit a vault in here.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs] A small one.
Sequoia: A sm… [laughs] a small vault.
Kim: Like a candy vault. And then if you do a good job you get candy. Wait a second!
Sequoia: [laughs] We've never gotten actual rewards for doing a good job on our predictions. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughing] ‘Cause we don’t even remember.
Sequoia: [laughing] We don't even keep track of them any more. We just left that one in the dust. [both laugh]
Kim: Still doing them, though.
Sequoia: Because they're funny.
Kim: It is funny.
Sequoia: Okay, this story is called A Mug of Warm Milk. Harry wished that he could say that his summer had been going exactly as he had planned. He w…
Kim: Why would you ever expect that, Harry? Come on, buddy.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, don't you know who you are? He was sitting in front of Dumbledore in his office at Hogwarts, which he certainly had not anticipated.
Kim: Yeah, it's a little weird.
Sequoia: “Have you noticed the appearance of any unusual new abilities, Harry?”
Kim: Oh no! [Sequoia laughs] Oh, no, wait, this is a parody. Oh yes! What have they done?
Sequoia: What have they done? Dumbledore was asking him in a perfectly pleasant tone after having offered him both tea and lemon drops. “Abilities? I'm not allowed to perform magic during the summer, Professor Dumbledore,” [both laugh] Harry reminded the headmaster, speaking slowly, as if to someone of particularly low intelligence or perhaps someone who often pretended to be eccentric, on the border of insanity.
Kim: Just to throw off suspicion.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Because actually he's the mastermind behind it all orchestrating things.
Sequoia: Yeah. But he walks around being like, oh, I'm just a silly old man. Here are some lemon drops, boopa-doopa-doo. Don't look too closely at me! [both laugh]
Kim: I'm not a stack of exposition in robes!
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh. That's what he'd like you to think. “Perhaps non-magical abilities then,” Dumbledore asked. What… what do… what do…
Kim: Hmm. What does that mean?
Sequoia: What does that mean?
Kim: Well, I can…
Sequoia: I can…
Kim: …jump real high.
Sequoia: I can…
Kim: I… I got some sick dunks, [Sequoia laughs] I learned. Been practising my dunking…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …abilities.
Sequoia: I can lick my own elbow.
Kim: Ohhh!
Sequoia: Yeah, maybe he can lick his own elbow. That’s an ability.
Kim: He couldn’t do it before.
Sequoia: He can do that thing…
Kim: He's been really bored this summer. [Sequoia laughs] What thing?
Sequoia: You know that thing, you know, where people use their own arms like a jump rope, and they can go like all the way around…
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: …because their shoulders are so double jointed. Have you seen that?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: What if Harry could do that?
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: That could defeat Voldemort probably.
Kim: Oh. [Sequoia laughs] Is that what this ability’s for?
Sequoia: Harry is so double jointed… [both laugh] no, that's not what's going on.
Kim: It's time to… to… to challenge Voldemort to a basketball game, one on one.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh no.
Kim: Show off your cool dunks.
Sequoia: Where's Mike Schubert? Oh. “Perhaps non magical abilities, then,” Dumbledore asked, steepling his hands as in thought while watching Harry with those annoying twinkling eyes. “Well, I can read a lot…”
Kim: No.
Sequoia: “…and remember everything,” Harry replied slowly.
Kim: Huh. That’s definitely was not the case before, little buddy.
Sequoia: [laughs] All of a sudden, I'm retaining information.
Kim: I don't know what that would be like.
Sequoia: I've never retained information in my whole life. [both laugh] “What does that have to do with anything, though?” Dumbledore smiled. “You may perform magic while you're here at Hogwarts, Harry. As you do, I believe you will find that you have developed magical side effects as well.”
Kim: Magical side effects?
Sequoia: Magical side effects.
Kim: Like, side effects to… like dry eyes?
Sequoia: [laughs] Now that you can read books real good and retain all that information, you will now experience dry eyes.
Kim: Drowsiness.
Sequoia: Drowsiness. [both laugh] “And I would like to give you some books on the animagus transformation available to you.”
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “I believe you will find it quite easy to manage the transformation with your new magical power and photographic memory.” ‘Cause he can read the book… he’ll read the book on being an animagus.
Kim: Sure. Sure.
Sequoia: You read it real good.
Kim: Yeah, okay.
Sequoia: He’ll read it real good, and he'll keep all that information in his brain and then he'll be able to be an animagus real quick.
Kim: Okay. Sure.
Sequoia: A passage of time.
Kim: I do like that he's not just getting it for free. [Sequoia laughs] He often just gets it for free.
Sequoia: They're like, have you been experiencing any new magical abilities? Well, now I can turn into seventeen different animals. [both laugh] On cue. A passage of time. Harry did indeed find the materials regarding the animagus transformation easy to understand. But when he performed the meditation to discover his form, he found something disturbing instead. “I don't have an animagus form, Albus.”
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: He exclaimed to the headmaster. Who he's now calling Albus.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: Oh. [laughs] Parentheses, it does say, (who had told him to call him Albus.)
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: So everything is cool.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Later that day…
Kim: You can call me Al. [laughs]
Sequoia: It's already on the playlist. [both laugh]
Kim: Weird! [both laugh] Weird how that happens.
Sequoia: Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled. “Ah, perhaps you have two Animagus forms or even more.”
Kim: More?!
Sequoia: “That's impossible!” Harry exclaimed.
Kim: [laughs] That's not how magic works! That's true.
Sequoia: You're not wrong. You’re not wrong.
Kim: Historically that's not how that works.
Sequoia: “I read every book you gave me and not one of them mentioned a wizard who had more than one form.” “That does not mean it is impossible. Only highly improbable. Do you have multiple forms?”
Kim: How would he kn… okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, he's having trouble understanding his animagus form, so how would he know if he had multiple forms? Dumbledore. [sighs]
Kim: [sighs] Dumbledore. Al.
Sequoia: Al.
Kim: Stay on top of this. [Sequoia laughs] Keep up, Al.
Sequoia: My good friend, buddy. Harry shook his head mutely. “Worse. More improbable, as you would say,” he retorted angrily. “A magical form?” Albus responded, eyes twinkling even more furiously. “That’s im… it's even more improbable!”
Kim: More improbable than…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …multiple forms and then like being a dragon.
Sequoia: Exactly. What's more improbable?
Kim: Well, based on the title of this story, I think we all know what he's about to say. [Sequoia laughs] But I'm on the edge of my seat.
Sequoia: [laughs] I can see that. I can see that.
Kim: With disappointment. [both laugh]
Sequoia: When Dumbledore’s eyes did not cease twinkling, he responded, “No, I do not have a magical form.” This finally succeeded in dimming the light in the headmaster's eyes slightly. “You mean to tell me you have no form at all? You have far too much power to fail to have an animagus form, Harry. You must have performed the meditation incorrectly.” “No, I did not perform the meditation incorrectly. I have a form, it's just not an animagus form.” [both laugh]
Kim: Stupid!
Sequoia: What? [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, it’s literally not… a glass of milk is not an animal. It's not an animal!
Sequoia: It's not an animal.
Kim: It’s an animal product.
Sequoia: I mean, that's not what his animagus form is.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: His not… his not… his not animagus form is not that, specifically.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: "Then, what is it, if not an animagus form?" Dumbledore asked, a thoroughly perplexed expression crossing his face before he replaced it with his standard nice old man expression. [Kim laughs] I'm not confused. I know everything. I'm Dumbledore.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “An INanimagus form!” Harry exclaimed. [both laugh]
Kim: Excellent!
Sequoia: Inanimagus form. I feel this is closer to the distillation of your soul in an object.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: It is.
Sequoia: [laughs] “But… but that's impossible,” Dumbledore replied in surprise.
Kim: Or is it just…
Sequoia: There was a popping sound, and suddenly there was a mug sitting in the middle of the chair where Harry had been.
Kim: Highly improbable.
Sequoia: He's just a mug.
Kim: Oh my goodness.
Sequoia: [laughs] He’s just…
Kim: Is he a cute mug?
Sequoia: He's just a mug.
Kim: Does he got a nice design?
Sequoia: Actually, we don't get to know what the mug looks like.
Kim: Yessss.
Sequoia: So I think that we… we get to paint the picture of what possibly this mug looks like.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Do you have any ideas?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: What are they?
Kim: [pause] I have too many ideas. [both laugh] Number One Dad.
Sequoia: Ah, good. Good. I like that.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: Employee of the Month. [Sequoia laughs] My Chosen One Could Beat Up Your Honor Student.
Sequoia: Ooh, that's good. I like that one. I like that one. I was just thinking it just says The Chosen Mug. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, fuck. Okay. We're going to need emails, tweets…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …Instagrams of your designs of…
Both: …Harry as a mug.
Sequoia: We're going to need it! Send them on in. [laughs]
Kim: So… [laughs]
Sequoia: This is the chosen mug and it's striped with Gryffindor colors.
Kim: Yeah, that's really good.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's… that’s… that’s…
Kim: That’s a good one.
Sequoia: Now I want a mug that says The Chosen Mug. Okay!
Kim: We could make that happen.
Sequoia: Maybe that’ll be… maybe we’ll make that happen. [laughs]
Kim: Shit.
Sequoia: All right, Harry turned into a mug. The headmaster's mouth formed a perfect O of surprise as Harry popped back into existence. “Now do you see my problem?” Dumbledore only nodded mutely. After a moment, though, he began to steeple his fingers again in thought. He's got an idea. He’s got an idea. This has given him an idea.
Kim: Suuuure.
Sequoia: He's a mug. Aha! We can use that to our advantage.
Kim: In a way that we couldn't use just a regular mug.
Sequoia: [laughs] We can use this. A passage of time. Voldemort sighed as he re-entered his broken down shack. Thankfully it didn't leak air, but that was only because of magic. So it can stay heated and stuff inside, you know.
Kim: Keep the farts in.
Sequoia: Keep the farts in.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Yeah, absolutely. Voldemort's got a lot of farts.
Kim: Hotbox that shack. [Sequoia laughs] Voldemort.
Sequoia: Stupid.
Kim: 420 blaze it, am I right, Tom?
Sequoia: [laughs] It had been a long day of muggle torturing. [laughing] Why was it… that was so stupid. [laughs]
Kim: I'm sorry.
Sequoia: It had been a long day of muggle torturing and attacking unsuspecting wizards. It's a long day.
Kim: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: He's been trying.
Kim: You know, I have one of those days every day.
Sequoia: Yeah, me too, me too, me too. He was glad to see that Wormtail had left his mug of warm milk by the door, as expected. [both laugh]
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: He needed it to help him relax after a hard day. Wormtail knows all of his quirks.
Kim: Aww.
Sequoia: They have been roomies for so long.
Kim: Is it cow milk or is it the milk that he milks from the snake?
Sequoia: The snake?
Kim: Snake milk? As it were?
Sequoia: I would think probably snake milk.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I would think probably snake milk. But I do now want this roomie sitcom
Kim: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: Wormtail/Voldemort.
Kim: Any time I think about Wormtail and Voldemort and the amount of time they spent together…. ohhhh.
Sequoia: [laughs] He would absolutely know that Voldemort… he'd be like, you know, Voldie probably had a really hard day today. That was a lot of muggles on the list to torture today, so we got a…
Kim: Full schedule of meetings. He had to hear about how all his Death Eater plans are going.
Sequoia: Exactly. He had like a two hour long meeting with Lucius Malfoy…
Kim: My GOD!
Sequoia: …which was probably the worst, so… [both laugh]
Kim: I have to schedule so many one on ones. Can't my underlings just get this work done? [both laugh] Don’t know why that wasn’t Voldemort voice, but…
Sequoia: Now it's that time. Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: You know. Whatever.
Sequoia: It's a different Voldemort. The cup looked a little more battered than he expected.
Kim: Oh Harry.
Sequoia: [laughing] Why does the Harry mug look so battered?
Kim: It's got a lightning bolt shaped chip in it.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah! [both laugh] Voldemort shrugged. Most likely Wormtail had managed to drop and shatter it while he was getting it out of the cupboard.
Kim: Oh, it's got… it’s definitely…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Whatever design you do needs to have the chip in it
Sequoia: The chip in it. For sure. The Dark Lord knew that the man couldn't manage a decent reparo, even with the silver hand increasing his magic.
Kim: It does what? Never mind.
Sequoia: It's fine. Let it be! [laughs] He sipped his warm milk and frowned, as it seemed to have a slightly strange taste.
Kim: [chuckles] Fuck.
Sequoia: Does this snake milk taste like people when it's in the Harry mug? [both laugh] [Kim squeals] Does it taste like people? [laughs]
Kim: Oh my god!
Sequoia: You know when you’ve had a really hard day, and you come home and then your snake milk tastes like people? [laughs hysterically]
Kim: [squeakily] Ugh, what is that?!
Sequoia: Oh no! [laughs] Voldemort smirked at the thought of one of his minions attempting to poison him. He was immune to such petty methods of assassination, and they knew that they would suffer dearly for even trying.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: He took a larger gulp of the milk.
Kim: I'm going to drink some more of it. This is poisoned?
Sequoia: Tastes like maybe it's poisoned. I'm going to have some more.
Kim: Yeah, I kind of do that when I'm like, is my milk off? [slurps]
Sequoia: And then you drink some more to see if the milk is off. Yeah.
Kim: I'm like, hmm, I guess I'll drink a little more.
Sequoia: Yeah. And then you do that like three or four or five times.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then you're like, yeah, this is probably bad, but by then, you had like a whole like two cups of milk. [both laugh] Whoo! He took a larger cup of milk and then held it in his mouth, savoring the strange taste…
Kim: Ooh! Ugh!
Sequoia: …as he set the mug back on the table.
Kim: Oh, is he…
Sequoia: Eat people.
Kim: Oh god!
Sequoia: Then, with a pop, the mug was gone and Harry Potter, the bane of his existence, was in its place.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Voldemort gasped in surprise and inhaled the warm milk.
Kim: Inhaled? I thought he was going to do a spit take.
Sequoia: Spit take! [laughs] No, he just… [inhales]
Kim: Aspirated a little bit.
Sequoia: All of it.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: All the milk in his mouth, now in his lungs.
Kim: That sucks.
Sequoia: Yeah. Then inhaled again as he looked around in anger, trying to decide who had taken down his anti-apparition wards.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Harry watched him, still seated on the table casually, his wand held loosely in his hands. Then he shrugged. “No one, dear Voldie, I didn't apparate.” [choking] “Ho… how?” Voldemort said.
Kim: That was really good.
Sequoia: Thank you. Thank you.
Kim: It was really good.
Sequoia: Still trying to expel the warm milk from his lungs. It was not to be, however. “How did I know what you were thinking?” Harry said, tapping his forehead. “Did you forget about the link we have, Moldywarts?” [Kim laughs] I feel like we've heard that one before.
Kim: We definitely have.
Sequoia: That’s definitely a one, Moldywarts.
Kim: Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Sequoia: Voldemort attempted to gasp in anger at the even more insulting nickname and only further sealed his death.
Kim: His death!
Sequoia: He's choking on milk and dying. [laughs] The milk was not poisoned. The whole plan was that he would be so… [laughs]
Kim: Ahhh!
Sequoia: So surprised to see Harry that he would inhale all of his milk. [laughs]
Kim: That is… that is riding so much on him not being a spit take kind of guy.
Sequoia: Exactly! How do you know that?
Kim: How do you know that about a person?
Sequoia: That's real insider info. Somebody… there's a leak. There's a leak in the Death Eaters. [both laugh]
Kim: Snape’s like, [deep, nasal voice] I've never seen him spit taking my life. [Sequoia laughs] And Dumbledore’s like, oh, good. Yes.
Sequoia: Ah, yes, we can use this to our advantage. It was then that Voldemort placed the strange taste in his milk. [choking] “Vanilla, my favorite,” he managed to gasp out…
Kim: Oh my…
Sequoia: …and Harry nodded. Welll, he wanted the milk to taste real good for Voldemort’s death milk.
Kim: Or Wormtail did it.
Sequoia: Or Wormtail did it. [laughs] Wormtail really did get him the warm mug of milk. He just accidentally did it in the mug that was Harry Potter.
Kim: Uh huh. All the other mugs were dirty. Harry went in, made all the other mugs dirty.
Sequoia: Harry went in and he licked all the other mugs. [both laugh] Put them in the dishwasher. [both laugh] Ah! As the man once known as Tom Riddle fell to the ground, choking to death on his last mug of warm milk, Harry stepped past him and saw several Death Eaters lurking in the shadows.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “How?” asked one of them. And Harry shrugged, “Like this.” With a pop, he was replaced by a mug.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: With another pop, he was back in his normal form.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: For a moment, one of the Death Eaters had glimpsed his distinguishing feature that neither Voldemort nor Wormtail had seen. A large lightning bolt at the bottom of the cup.
Kim: Hmm. So…
Sequoia: The end.
Kim: Oh… oh god!
Sequoia: Voldemort’s dead! [laughs]
Kim: Thanks!
Sequoia: [still laughing] He aspirated some milk, he's dead now.
Kim: How did I not get any points on that?!
Sequoia: [laughs] There was milk in it. There was milk, and a mug, the Chosen mug.
Kim: Argh! Thank you.
Sequoia: Thank you to the listener who sent that in. [Kim sighs] I love that story. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughs] That was silly. You have another one for us today?
Sequoia: I have another one for you all today.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: This was also sent in by a listener. Shout out to Barbara on this one. This is called Wild Thing. It is romance. I am going to add a tag to that.
Kim: [laughs] Okay.
Sequoia: I would say that this is a tragedy. [both laugh] And this came out post Order of the Phoenix again.
Kim: [sighs] This is nothing. This is nothing. This is nothing. Okay, prediction number one, part of the pairing will start the fic already deceased.
Sequoia: Okay! [both laugh]
Kim: Prediction number two, our main character is Ginny.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: And prediction number three, the romantic pairing will be described as star crossed.
Sequoia: [laughs] All right, here we go. This is Wild Thing.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Draco's POV.
Kim: No! [Sequoia laughs] Damn it.
Sequoia: I want to tell you, you should have guessed…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: …because you reminded me.
Kim: I kind of thought you'd already picked stuff.
Sequoia: I had.
Kim: We haven't talked about this yet this episode because I don't want to bring too much attention to the fact that we're at Drarrycon five.
Sequoia: We’re Drarrycon five. We haven't done Drarry in… the Drarry dry spell…
Kim: Your hot idiot cohosts [Sequoia laughs] have failed to bring you all a Drarry story for… it was pointed out to us in the Discord. The longest dry spell of Drarry stories…
Both: …ever.
Sequoia: Exactly. And you reminded me…
Kim: I did.
Sequoia: …yesterday, last night.
Kim: But you told me you already had stuff.
Sequoia: I did. And then I fixed it, because I had forgotten that we were at Drarrycon 5 and something needed to be done.
Kim: Argh!
Sequoia: Thank you, shouts to Barbara for helping us.
Kim: Coming in clutch.
Sequoia: Coming in… comin’ in clutch.
Kim: Also thanks to James for helping us recognize our failings.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: As Drarry focused hosts. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughs] It was… it was something that needed to be fixed. So here we are. We're starting with Draco’s POV. Well, we're not starting with… the whole thing’s going to be Draco's POV…
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: …but they do need to point that out the beginning of the story. [Kim sighs] What can I say?
Kim: Oh great!
Sequoia: When I saw Potter like that, I mean, he walks through the wall to platform 9¾, and once I saw him, I drooled.
Kim: Oh dear.
Sequoia: I mean…
Kim: How dare Potter walk through the wall…
Sequoia: [laughs] Looking…
Kim: …coming to school…
Sequoia: …like that.
Kim: …looking totally normal.
Sequoia: Oh, you'll see.
Kim: Uh oh!
Sequoia: I mean, I've never seen Potter like this before.
Kim: Uh oh!
Sequoia: I wasn't the only one drooling.
Kim: Did he go to America?
Sequoia: [laughs] Blaise grabbed my arm when he saw him, like he was afraid he was going to fall to the ground and make a fool of himself. Blaise is passing out. [both laugh]
Kim: Surprised Blaise didn't just, like, commit.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That's a great bit, Blaise. Go ahead. Commit.
Sequoia: [laughs] Just woo, woo, little swoon, yeah.
Kim: He'd maybe start the swoon… you need to draw attention to what you're doing…
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: …so you clutch on to Draco and you're like, oh! Oh no! Everyone! I'm swooning! Draco, help me!
Sequoia: Draco!
Kim: Catch me, Draco!
Sequoia: [laughs] Draco definitely does not catch Blaise because Draco is like fully focused. Drool…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …just dripping from his mouth.
Kim: What is Harry doing?
Sequoia: [laughs] It made me sick. I mean, Potter would rather me than Blaise. I'm way hotter than Blaise.
Kim: Fucking rude!
Sequoia: Wow. Wow! Dare I say that is a hot take.
Kim: Draco! That is a hot take.
Sequoia: Draco's like, I do not feel threatened by this. Blaise, go away. [both laugh] My mind was working. I'm thinking too fast. He's changed so much. He's so beautiful.
Kim: You're using Blaise voice, my dude. My dude.
Sequoia: I know. I can't help it, there's so much drama! [both laugh] His normally untidy black hair was now spiked.
Kim: Spiked! [laughs]
Sequoia: And it was…
Kim: Frosted tips?!
Sequoia: …BLUE.
Kim: Oh! Okay.
Sequoia: I think like probably like a… like a really bright…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like more of the neon scale blue, I'm thinking for sure.
Kim: Oh, for sure. Yes.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It's two thousand and whatever. Yes.
Sequoia: It's 2003, so you bought that at Hot Topic.
Kim: Got some Manic Panic at Hot Topic.
Sequoia: At Hot Topic. Exactly. And now his hair is blue. Also, I would like to point out the blue is in all caps. It's BLUE.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: His green eyes were now not hidden behind glasses.
Kim: Because he got contacts, great.
Sequoia: And they had turned a dark striking green. So he has really dark green eyes.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Yes, because he did get contacts.
Kim: Did he get color contacts?
Sequoia: He got color contacts, for sure. His lips had become fuller and pinker.
Kim: What does that mean?
Sequoia: I don’t know. He's… he’s using that lip… that… that lip plump stuff that like burns your lips. [laughs]
Kim: Did that… now that… was that a thing yet, 2003?
Sequoia: I don’t know if that was a thing yet in 2003.
Kim: When did we start doing that?
Sequoia: I think that was more recent than that.
Kim: It was probably a little bit later. Like a couple years after that, I think.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Because when we started rubbing whatever poison that was on our faces…
Sequoia: Yeah, some poison on our faces [laughs] to make… to make us look poutier.
Kim: Poutier.
Sequoia: His jaw had tightened and he had grown about six inches.
Kim: That is so many.
Sequoia: He is… that's so many.
Kim: Their summer break's not that long.
Sequoia: Their summer break is like three months long!
Kim: Oh, I think it's shor… yeah, okay.
Sequoia: I think that that would probably cause you some long term, like, physical…
Kim: Poor Harry.
Sequoia: …issues if you grew that much that fast.
Kim: You know, you see some kids and they shoot up real fast and they turn into little like stretched taffy people.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: Awww.
Sequoia: He had got a tongue piercing. [both laugh]
Kim: How do you know, Draco? Is he showing it off?
Sequoia: Harry’s just walking through the…
Kim: Harry walks through the wall going… [makes wordless tonguey sounds]
[Sequoia also makes tonguey sounds]
Kim: HARRY!
Sequoia: Harry walks through the wall tongue piercing first. [both laugh]
Kim: [open mouthed] Look what I got! [makes tonguey sounds]
Sequoia: Look what I got! And an earring with a dragon tooth on it.
Kim: Is that Bill's earring, Harry?
Sequoia: Harry.
Kim: Harry.
Sequoia: Harry, is…
Kim: Harry.
Sequoia: He's doing like a Bill thing, but I think he's also making it his own. He's like… he’s doing a Bill thing but a little edgier.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Little more now, little more hip.
Kim: Okay. Yeah.
Sequoia: For the kids. Bill’s older.
Kim: Bill is a little outdated.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Harry did always think he was hot though.
Sequoia: He really did. [laughs]
Kim: Walks into the Weasley kitchen and he's like, who is this slice?
Sequoia: Whoa! [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, Harry.
Sequoia: As I heard later, it was from the dragon that he faced in his fourth year. Did he go back and kill the dragon, or does…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: …it just…
Kim: It just lost a tooth. They're like sharks, why not?
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs] Sure. He was absolutely gorgeous.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Hot…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …steaming and any other word you can think of. Any other word.
Kim: [chuckles] Any other word?
Sequoia: Any other word. Pillow.
Kim: Flatulent?
Sequoia: [laughs] Mug. [both laugh] And this is where we get… everybody ready? Everybody ready? Everybody ready?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Song lyrics!
Kim: YES. Is it the song Wild Thing?
Sequoia: Wild Thing. [singing] You make my heart sing!
Kim: Why didn’t I predict that this was a song fic?
Sequoia: [laughs] Come on!
Kim: Am I stupid?
Sequoia: Come on!
Kim: Oh, man.
Sequoia: Man.
Kim: I am so stupid. The song was playing…
Sequoia: I'm disappointed in you.
Kim: …in my head.
Sequoia: What? I'm disappointed. I'm severely disappointed in you.
Kim: I decided to do something else. I missed EVERY cue. I had every opportunity to get points. [Sequoia laughing] Just now.
Sequoia: You did, you did.
Kim: And I fucked it all up. Argh!
Sequoia: [laughs] So, we get a little… a little verse of Wild Thing.
Kim: Sure, of course we do.
Sequoia: And we go back to Draco.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I shook my head. Damn Potter and him making me sing muggle songs. God!
Kim: [laughs] wait, sing? Si… so… hold…
Sequoia: Yeah, so I think he's…
Kim: Whe…? Huh? Huh? What? Huh? [Sequoia laughs] Are we in a musiCAL?
Sequoia: I think we're in a musiCAL!
Kim: Is Blaise singing backup? Or is Blaise singing a different song?
Sequoia: I think Blaise is sing… I don’t think Blaise sings backup to anyone.
Kim: That's true.
Sequoia: Blaise is singing a different song somewhere else, because he did fall face first on the ground because Draco did not catch him…
Kim: Didn’t catch him.
Sequoia: …when he was doing his dramatic swoon.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So he went away and is singing a different song somewhere else. Again, please…
Kim: Is Blaise singing a sad song?
Sequoia: …tweet at us if you know what song Blaise is singing. [both laugh] But, yeah, he appears to have sang that out loud because he says, making me sing muggle songs. So…
Kim: Draco walks upstage… no, downstage. Draco walks…
Sequoia: Downstage, yeah.
Kim: Draco crosses downstage, the light focuses on him, and he's singing Wild Thing.
Sequoia: He's singing Wild Thing. And then there's another spot on Harry on the other side…
Kim: Tongue out still.
Sequoia: Yeah, tongue out still.
Kim: Harry, put that away.
Sequoia: Harry’s like… [makes tonguey sounds] [both laugh]
Kim: And everyone else is like, I think the train’s gonna leave soon. Can… what are you… oh.
Sequoia: Can anybody get it together? [laughing] Gotta go to school! Whoo!
Kim: Where’d the train go? Wait a second. [Sequoia laughs] Is this just is a cardboard cutout? What’s happening?
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh no!
Kim: This person in black just ran out and took the train away?!
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay. God, I sound like a lovesick schoolgirl, but I can't help it. The way he walks, like a Dementor gliding smoothly on the ground.
Kim: Harry's wearing heelys.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: Harry is wearing heelys.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Harry is wearing heelys and it made Draco horny. [Sequoia laughs] This is so nothing.
Sequoia: [laughs] Everybody just live in that moment for a second. [laughs]
Kim: Shit.
Sequoia: The way he talks, that deep sexy voice, all of this is making me go wild. I walk behind him as we walk into the castle.
Kim: Yeah, you do… into the castle?
Sequoia: Yeah, this is just sort of time is passing in a… in a…
Kim: Did Draco see Harry and then wait until he got into his own compartment to start singing?
Sequoia: I think so.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: Yeah, I think maybe it's that. They… we’re sort of experiencing time in the disjointed way you might experience time during a song.
Kim: In a music video.
Sequoia: In a music video, or… yeah.
Kim: Which is what these song fics often are kind of written like, a music video.
Sequoia: Exactly. So next we see Draco is walking behind him.
Kim: All right, so I'm going to say Draco was like, Greg, Vinnie, leave me! [Sequoia laughs] And then he shuts himself in the compartment, blasts his muggle tunes on his… 2003…
Sequoia: Zune.
Kim: Oh, yikes, Draco, buddy. [both laugh] And then just like jams along…
Sequoia: right
Kim: …to the song Wild Thing.
Sequoia: Yes. And then he walks behind Harry…
Kim: Yeah he does.
Sequoia: …staring at him.
Kim: Yeah, I know.
Sequoia: Staring.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He laughs, I feel my heart stop. He turns and looks at me, I feel my knees go weak. His eyes are deep, too deep.
Kim: Is Harry by himself laughing? He's like, ha ha ha ha ha! and turns around and…
Sequoia: [laughs] His tongue still out.
Kim: His tongue still out. [both laugh] Turns around, sticks his tongue out, just to make sure that Draco is behind him still.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: No one is okay.
Sequoia: [laughs] I feel myself get pulled into the prison he holds. He smiles and I gasp. He has never smiled at me. And we get another chunk of lyrics from Wild Thing. I think I love you. But I want to know for sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I watch him as he eats.
Kim: Great. That's not weird. Man, I hate that.
Sequoia: He lifts his head and looks at me. I smile, waiting for him to smile back, but he doesn't. He just frowns. He starts eating again. Another chunk of lyrics.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: We are in Potions and I watch him again. [both laugh] This is just a music video [laughing] of Draco just staring at Harry in different locations.
Kim: [laughs] It's so good!
Sequoia: He's making his potion, his soft smooth hands grabbing the ingredients and pouring them in. [both laugh]
Kim: Draco, please.
Sequoia: [laughing] Draco… Draco… is Draco okay?
Kim: No, he's not! Oh my god!
Sequoia: “Potter,” Snape growls. Harry, my sweet Harry, looks up. “Sir?” Harry questions with a smirk on his face. The Slytherins in front of me sigh and I growl at them. I think everyone's in love with Harry.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I think… I think everybody's just like, oh, Harry's talking. Oh, look! [laughs]
Kim: Draco starts growling.
Sequoia: And then Draco growls at them.
Kim: That’s so nothing.
Sequoia: “Your potion is wrong,” Snape sneers. “Just how many frog intestines did you put in?" "Enough to make your greasy hair smell better than it already does.”
Kim: That's nothing. Hey, buddy! That was nothing.
Sequoia: Sick burn. Sick burn.
Kim: No it wasn’t.
Sequoia: Sick burn, my dude.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Sick burn.
Kim: That didn't make any sense.
Sequoia: Because his hair smells worse than the intestines, get it?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Because his hair smells so bad, like it… like… like… like being… like the frog intestines?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Get it? Sick burn!
Kim: Are you applying it to Snape’s hair? If it was to enough to cover up the smell of your hair, that would maybe be something.
Sequoia: I think that maybe that's where he was going with it.
Kim: Well, he didn't say that.
Sequoia: But he just… I mean, the look…
Kim: What he said made about as much sense as, like, your mom!
Sequoia: [laughs] His whole look and aura is really new to him.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah.
Sequoia: And so he hasn’t really…
Kim: But Harry has always excelled at one thing.
Sequoia: Snark.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Yeah, that's true. That's true. He's trying to put like more of like a… like a edgy spin on it…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …maybe, and he’s just not… it's not translating right…
Kim: It’s not.
Sequoia: …’cause he's just not… he’s not fully in it yet, you know?
Kim: The words didn’t quite come out right.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: All right, Harry.
Sequoia: Harry laughs. Everyone, including the Gryffindors, gasp. I can't believe Harry, my Harry, would say something like that. [Kim laughs] He's not your Harry. You just keep staring at him in different locations.
Kim: Draco!
Sequoia: Snape puffs his chest up angrily. “Detention, Potter,” he hisses furiously. “You can give me a detention, but I won't turn up.” [both laugh]
Kim: He's so edgyyyyy!
Sequoia: He's so edgy now, look at him. He doesn't even care. He doesn't care about the rules. [both laugh]
Kim: This baby!
Sequoia: He's so edgy now. Harry sneers. Snape stares wildly at Harry. Harry stands up and walks out the door. I couldn't help it, I laughed. Another chunk of Wild Thing lyrics.
Kim: Great. Definitely singing them out loud in the middle of class. Great… great work, Draco.
Sequoia: For sure…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …singing them out loud in class.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: A hundred percent.
Kim: Oh, Draco.
Sequoia: “Out,” Snape shouts at me.
Kim: Because he's singing in class!
Sequoia: Because he's singing in class. Stop singing in class, get out of here! [both laugh] I quickly get up and run out like Harry. I run down the corridor until I catch up to Harry. "Potter," I say softly.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Just loud enough for him to hear me. He turns. “What do you want, Malfoy?” he asks. I want to tell him how I feel about him, so I decide I should.
Kim: Okay!
Sequoia: “I…” I take a deep breath. “I love you so much. And I was wondering if you would like to go out with me.” [both laugh] It's kind of really powerful. He's coming on really strong.
Kim: He's coming on SO strong.
Sequoia: Really strong. Maybe tone it down a little bit.
Kim: Leading… probably don't lead with I love you…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …so much.
Sequoia: Maybe just like, hey, maybe you want to hang out sometime.
Kim: Hey, that was really funny the way you said that Snape smells bad. Do you want to go make out?
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly. No. I love you.
Kim: Do you want to cut class and make out? [Sequoia laughs]Because I'm edgy too.
Sequoia: I laughed at what you said and then I also got kicked out of class…
Kim: soooo
Sequoia: …which means that I am also edgy. We both got kicked out of class.
Kim: Maybe we could kiss?
Sequoia: So we should probably touch tongues. I say this in a rush, then I am silent, waiting for an answer. But I don't get one.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: I look at him, and he has a sympathetic smile on his face.
Kim: Aw.
Sequoia: “I'm sorry, Malfoy. I'm seeing someone else,” he whispers.
Kim: [gasps] It's Blaise, isn’t it?
Sequoia: My heart beats. [laughs] I don't know what to do. Just then, a person comes around the corner and cuddles Harry from behind.
Kim: Uh huh! Uh huh!
Sequoia: I gasp. “Hello, Draco.” [both laugh]
Kim: Blaise got to him first!
Sequoia: Blaise got him!
Kim: Blaise didn't wait around singing sadly! Blaise missed the trust fall…
Sequoia: [laughs] yeah
Kim: …scooped himself back up…
Sequoia: Yup.
Kim: …and went and asked Harry out that fucking second!
Sequoia: IMMEDIATELY!
Kim: Come on, Draco!
Sequoia: Draco.
Kim: He wasn’t ready to play this game against Blaise.
Sequoia: I know. And Draco all in the beginning being like, ugh, I'm hotter than Blaise.
Kim: No you're not.
Sequoia: Fat chance. [laughs]
Kim: No you’re not.
Sequoia: I turn and run. I can hear voices desperately calling my name, but I ignore them. [Kim laughs] I don't know what to do. Please, someone help me, please. I burst out crying as I fall to the ground. The end.
Kim: See, I think the thing that threw me off was that Wild Thing is not an angsty song.
Sequoia: Yes, but this is a tragedy.
Kim: It's not a tragic song either, right? [Sequoia laughs] It doesn’t end sadly. It's just like…
Sequoia: No!
Kim: …hey, you're hot and I like you.
Sequoia: And there’s like… there's another chunk of Wild Thing after I burst out crying as I fall to the ground.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then there's another chunk of Wild Thing and then the story is over.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: So really…
Kim: I didn't assume it was a song fic.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Because I was like, how can it be a tragedy and also have Wild Thing in it? That doesn't make sense.
Sequoia: True. [laughs]
Kim: But…
Sequoia: But…
Kim: That said, that twist at the end was soooo good.
Sequoia: Right. Just so chef’s kiss, beautiful.
Both: Thank you, Barbara.
Sequoia: Well, you didn't get any points this whole episode.
Kim: Nope. [Sequoia laughs] It's true.
Sequoia: But you know, it happens. It happens to the best of us.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And now, it's time for…
Kim: A segment.
Sequoia: …a segment.
Kim: Let's do a…
Both: [singing] …summary!
Sequoia: This is a segment where we play a recorded summary that was sent to us by one of our listeners for our hundredth episode and we are still playing them about a year later, because there were so many of them and they're so good, and we love you. Here is a summary.
Listener: Hello, Sequoia and Kim. Per your request, I have written you a [singing] summary! This is for a fanfiction called Love is a Game of Quidditch. It has one chapter entitled Cormac’s Foul Move, because apparently the author was going to write more but never got around to it. The tags are romance, angst, and general, whatever that means. And it takes place at Hogwarts during Half Blood Prince. It's been a week since tryouts and Cormac McLaggen is still trying to come to terms with his hatred of Ron Weasley. That brainless git took the spot on the Gryffindor quidditch team that should have been his. He's a disgrace to the position that used to belong to Oliver Wood. At the same time, he's starting to realize that he has a massive crush on Oliver Wood. Now, what do these two things have in common? Well, Harry Potter has been inviting Oliver Wood to help coach the Gryffindor quidditch team because they suck now. They, of course, meaning Ron. This provides Cormac with the perfect opportunity. All he has to do is slip Oliver a beguiling potion at one of Slughorn’s parties after he finds out Oliver has been invited to one. And then Oliver will be willing to persuade Harry to sack his best friend and give Cormac his well deserved spot on the team. Nice side bonus, Oliver Wood might also realize how much he wants to date Cormac McLaggen. After cutting class to work on his potion, he waits around one night after the Gryffindors get done practising to further intimidate Ron. When he corners him in the shower, Ron makes it clear that Cormac can't push him around. Cormac moves closer and closer, and by the time he realizes that they're close enough to touch, he sees Ron in a whole new light. Maybe this confident person in front of him does have what it takes. After they kiss for half an hour, Cormac storms out swearing this will never happen again while Ron chases after him.
Sequoia: And now it's time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pewww!
Kim: What do you have for us today?
Sequoia: I have a story for you called Awrooooo! [both laugh]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: It's a Colin Creevey fanfiction.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yep.
Kim: In what sense?
Sequoia: It's a story about Colin Creevey and Defence Against the Dark Arts with Gilderoy Lockhart.
Kim: Oh! Okay. That sounds really funny.
Sequoia: It's really funny. It's very fun.
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: I liked it a lot. This was one of those where you go on the fence with rec or read, but it was just well written to a point where I was like, this is pretty… this is pretty good.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Yup, that'll be in the description.
Kim: Yeah! And also on our website.
Sequoia: Fanaticalfics.com.
Kim: Along with a list of all of our story recommendations.
Sequoia: Also on our website is our story submission form. Both of the stories I read today were submitted to us by our wonderful fanatical fam, so just keep it up on that. [laughs]
Kim: Hell yeah. Nice work. Also, on the website, you can find merchandise. We've got bookmarks and stuff on the website. And then off the website on TeePublic, which there's a link to on the website, there's more stuff… oh, man.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh ho ho ho! Do you want to do that again?
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: That was fine.
Sequoia: [laughs] You can find us on social media, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook @FanaticalFics.
Kim: Send us some mugs.
Sequoia: Send us drawings of Harry as a mug, and the song you think Blaise was singing at the train station after he saw how Harry hot… how hot… how Harry hot… how hot Harry is now. [laughs] We're doing a great job.
Kim: You know what, honestly, I actually would really like a hold for the end please that is Blaise’s half of that story.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah!
Kim: Not just the song. If you want to write us the whole rest of the story, I would really like that.
Sequoia: I would love that. You can also send us any longer thoughts, such an en… that whole entire side of the story to fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: If you like this podcast and you want to help us out, there are a few ways you can do that. Way number one, trick the planet 2022.
Sequoia: Oh my god. Yeah, it's here. Here we are. It's… it’s time, we're here. Trick the planet. Make it happen. You can also leave us a review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. Or, again, in sidewalk… sidewalk chalk on your driveway or in your best friend's text messages. You can also join us on Patreon. On Patreon we've got some fun stuff happening. We have a bonus episode every month, so you get even more of this wild stuff. We've got a Discord where a lot of fun things are happening and we've got some exclusive merch over there as well. So go check that out. If you join us at our $10 tier for six months, we will give you a shout out in the episode in the form of a story summary. And Kim has written our story summary today. Take it away, Kim.
Kim: Lavender Brown’s star chart for her weekend had indicated a surprising opportunity, but she would never have predicted what actually happened. When Lavender Brown entered the owlery early on a Saturday morning to send her weekly owl home, a short note slipped off a departing owl and onto her head. Glancing at the note, she saw no names, but an intriguing short sentence followed by two checkboxes. "Do you like me?" it read, and the top box had been checked, circled and underlined. Now Lavender is on a mission to uncover the identities of the future lovebirds. Who could they be? And will Lavender be able to intervene in time to prevent a miscommunication that could be solved by talking about it?!
Sequoia: Oh my god. Wait, I want to know who is the… wait, I want to know!
Kim: Fucking write it.
Sequoia: [sighs] Well, thank you so much to our patrons, Zoe Klwans, Hilary Powdrett, Evelyn Spencer, and Tyler King.
Kim: Your support means so much to us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Sequoia: Thank you also to The Whomping Willows for letting us use their song Wolfstar as our theme song.
Kim: You can find all of their amazing music on thewhompingwillows.bandcamp.com.
Both: Byeeeee!