Episode 11: Green Hornet
In this episode we read a pairing and a story that doesn’t really fit into traditional fan fiction tropes, so most of the time is spent confused and yelling. Like that’s any different than normal...
Recommendation: Snowball Tomfoolery
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/621675/1/Snowball-Tomfoolery
Fan Art?! : https://twitter.com/Ptchew/status/938987928130281472
Places you can find Alex:
HP themed Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/a_hufflepuff_life
Tumblr- http://ptchew.tumblr.com/tagged/doodles
Twitter- https://twitter.com/Ptchew
Youtube- https://www.youtube.com/user/PtchewPtchewPtchew/videos
Webcomic!- http://screwtheatlantic.com/
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Belinda
Transcriber: Kevin
Checker: Skylar
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: Hey, everybody. Before we get started with the episode today, I just wanted to make sure you knew about some links in the description. One is to some fan art we received from the wonderful Alex Pierce. She did our “Malfoy Rules” picture. And it’s not just a picture. It’s a GIF. He winks at you. It’s amazing. Go check that out. The other links will be to places where you can find Alex on the internet, such as Youtube, where she does some speed drawings of Pokémon. So check that out. It’s amazing. Enjoy the show.
Kim: [whispering] Pop filter.
Sequoia: Make out with the pop filter.
Kim: The pop filter is between me and the microphone. I want to make out with the microphone, but… I’ll make out with whatever’s in front of me. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I’m so glad I started recording.
Kim: Fuck! Are you fucking serious?
Sequoia: [laughs for a prolonged amount of time] I am so good at this. I am so good.
Kim: Oh my God. We need like a... we need like a smash… like a... like a… What’s it called where you cut a bunch of things together?
Sequoia: Uhh a… oh, yeah, I don’t know.
Kim: [mumbling] I don’t remember either.
Sequoia: It would be a montage.
Kim: Like a montage.
Sequoia: As it were.
Kim: Of just you catching me saying stupid shit. [Sequoia laughs] Getting enough of it now. Great. Awesome.
Sequoia: [singing] So good.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello. I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: Booya.
Kim: And this is episode eleven.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ.
Kim: Does that sound weird to you? [Sequoia laughs] We’ve uh… we’ve pre-recorded a whole bunch in advance because Sequoia’s traveling like all of the next two months.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So we’ve just done like back to back to back recordings for two weeks and...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We’ve got a pretty decent backlog going.
Sequoia: It’s October.
Kim: But it feels, yeah.
Sequoia: It’s October.
Kim: Just to tell you [laughs].
Sequoia: Just... just tell you it’s October right now. Happy December 18th or whatever. [Kim continues to laugh] Yeah, so it’s just like, yeah. Eleven. [exhales] Crazy.
Kim: Weird things... are weird. Sequoia’s reading to me today. You’re not gonna threaten me with three stories again are you?
Sequoia: No. I think I’m gonna read one.
Kim: We just... we just released seven, so...
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] No, I’m not. I’m not. I think I’m gonna read one. [Kim blows a raspberry into the microphone] Okay, so…
Kim: [screams into the microphone] Ahhh!
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus Christ. Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna read one and then we’ll see where we’re at. Because I never know, now.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: There’s no way to plan, via word count, what’s gonna happen. Because you might just talk about fuckin’...
Kim: Deer pants. [laughs]
Sequoia: The deer’s pants for like eight hundred years. [Kim continues to laugh] So, like, I don’t know. I don’t know.
Kim: Look, here’s the thing. Don’t look at me. [Sequoia laughs] Don’t ever look at me.
Sequoia: Umm, did you see the tweet I did the other day?
Kim: Nmnn.
Sequoia: Um, Gina tweeted at us and was like, would this count as a point?
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: And then I tweeted back in your voice. [Kim snickers] And I said [exhales as if annoyed] “fine.” [both laugh]
Kim: That’s approximately what I sound like. That’s good.
Sequoia: Right? It’s a sigh and the “fine”. Or “fucking fine.”
Kim: That's it. That would have been it. [Sequoia laughs] I don’t know. I feel weird about... like, can you swear on Twitter? What is Twitter?
Sequoia: Yeah, you can swear on Twitter.
Kim: What... who is... who is this Tweeter?
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus.
Kim: There’s a reason...
Sequoia: This is why I’m in charge of the social media.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. I was gonna say. There’s a reason I’m not in charge of the social media. [Sequoia laughs] I’m like… I’m like, Sequoia, you have to post this picture. I don't know what the kids are hashtweeting or whatever.
Sequoia: [continues to laugh] Hashtweeting. [pause] Okay, so we’re gonna start off with this story and then see what kind of time we’re looking at afterwards. So...
Kim: I’ll just sit here quietly if you want, and you can just do it. [pauses briefly] No, I’m not gonna do that. We’re gonna... I’m gonna yell.
Sequoia: No. That's not gonna fucking happen.
Kim: I wouldn’t do that, like, even if I was trying. I can't contain my idiot thoughts.
Sequoia: [pause] Well, would you like to make some predictions?
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: This story is called Green Hornet. And it is a romance/humor.
Kim: Fucking... [exhales] Okay, the Green Hornet is a DC superhero, right? He’s like a rich dude and he has, like, a driver. There was a Seth Rogan movie a few years ago.
Sequoia: Ohhhhh. I remem… I think I know what you’re talking about.
Kim: I’m guessing this has nothing to do with that, though.
Sequoia: Imma help you out and tell you are on the wrong track.
Kim: 'Kay. I assume it has nothing to do with that. [Sequoia laughs] Like. Green Hornet. Okay, I’m gonna guess… that Green Hornet is an alcoholic beverage... that our romantic couple enjoys.... and that allows them to make out with each other ‘cause they're both intoxicated or something. The couple...
Sequoia: [quietly laughing and whispering] Jesus.
Kim: Fucking, I don’t know. Fucking, I don’t know. Fucking… [Sequoia laughs louder] Fucking… [both laugh] Uhhh… it’s gotta be. I’m hoping for something weird. But expecting Ron/Hermione.
Sequoia: Why? When have I…? Okay. This is a real question.
Kim: I don't know.
Sequoia: When have I read a Ron/Hermione story to you?
Kim: You’ve read a couple.
Sequoia: Have I?
Kim: Yeah. Mione was one, at least.
Sequoia: Ohhh. And then, actually, Just Play the Damn Game was one too.
Kim: Yeah. You’ve done two.
Sequoia: I’ve done two.
Kim: But we keep predicting that Luna’s gonna be in a story, and we have not read a Luna story yet. So I’m not gonna predict that it’s Luna.
Sequoia: Which is so funny! I realized that as I was editing seven.
Kim: Yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: I was like, wait a second.
Kim: We both keep doing that. There’s something wrong.
Sequoia: So good. It’s because we love Luna.
Kim: I do love... no, so this is not gonna have Luna. It’s gonna be... did I say Ron/Hermione?
Sequoia: You did.
Kim: I’m gonna stick with Ron/Hermione.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: Um. Green Hornet is an alcohol beverage. They’re gonna drink it, and they’re gonna make out.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: That's my prediction for how this story’s gonna go. But I’m guessing they're all wrong.
Sequoia: [holding back a laugh] Here we go.
Kim: Hopefully proved wrong in the first sentence. I love that. I love it when that happens. All the... oh! By the way, listeners.
Both: Make your predictions!
Kim: [singing] Let us know.
Sequoia: Yeah. And if you're questioning whether your prediction resulted in a point or not...
Kim: Tweet at us!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I dropped the tweeter plug this time. Look at me.
Sequoia: Tweeter plug. Oh, Jesus. [laughs]
Kim: Do you think I'm appealing to the kids?
Sequoia: [exasperated noises] Uh… yeaaaaah? [Kim laughs] I couldn’t decide whether to just appease you or not. [chuckles]
Kim: Is it appeasing me? I really...
Sequoia: I really don't know.
Kim: I don't care what the kids think.
Sequoia: Okay. Here we go.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: We’re doing this. This is Green Hornet. Hermione considered herself to be many things.
Kim: Uhhh. Which? Uhh [laughs]
Both: [prolonged] Uhhhhhhhh.
Kim: Can’t think of anything else.
Sequoia: She viewed herself as practical.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Logical.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Organized.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And level headed.
Kim: Yeah, those are all words that would describe Hermione most of the time.
Sequoia: Yeah, on point. She took pride in the fact that she had been named the brightest witch of her time. She was even learning how to control her hair without too much fuss.
Kim: [groans] Okay. Great start.
Sequoia: Above all things...
Kim: Great start. I love it when they start off by mentionin’ the hair.
Sequoia: Yeah. It's the most important part of Hermione. Is her hair.
Kim: Yeah. That her hair’s a mess.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, you gotta… you gotta let us know, fanfiction authors, if Hermione is...
Sequoia: Has she gotten… is she past the hair? The messy hair, uncontrollable phase of her life?
Kim: And now she can be hot.
Sequoia: Yeah. Can she be hot yet?
Kim: ‘Cause that's all that’s holding her back from being hot. Hermione doesn't wear glasses, so she can't just, like, take the glasses off and then she's hot.
Sequoia: Exactly. It’s the hair.
Kim: She's gotta... yeah.
Sequoia: Above all things, though, she enjoyed predictability. I don’t… I don’t buy that.
Kim: Uhhh, I was gonna say. [Sequoia laughs] I mean, I enjoy predictability, but I don't know that that's a trait that Hermione has.
Sequoia: When things were predictable, she could invent different ways of overcoming any obstacles and, after much...
Kim: I feel like if things are predictable, you’re not overcoming many obstacles because...
Sequoia: Because you know what's at their like...
Kim: Yeah, it’s not, like, an obstacle if it's like you're going through your daily routine. What are the obstacles? Oh, my...
Sequoia: My hair. [both belly laugh]
Kim: Just stop brushing it Hermione, God!
Sequoia: Don’t you know how to deal with curls? Overcoming any obstacles and, after much consideration, choose the right one that always led her to the end, victorious and triumphant. She had the power to change her own future, and that was what she set herself out to do. Her entire life was planned out ahead of her… [Kim chuckles] and that was how she liked it.
Kim: [continues to chuckle] Fine. Ya know, Hermione’s ambitious and she’s got plans.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: You ready for this, though?
Kim: Oh no. What is her plan? Sequoia?
Sequoia: [giggling] I’m sorry. I gotta get out the laughs first.
Kim: What is her…?
Sequoia: Because I can’t wait… I can’t wait to see your face. I can’t.
Kim: Is it to marry Draco? Please?
Sequoia: [pause] Luna was exactly the opposite of everything Hermione believed.
Kim: What? What? What? Fuck, is this a Hermione/Luna?
Sequoia: [screaming and laughing] Yesssss! Yessss!
Kim: [whispers] God!
Sequoia: [playfully gloating] I loved it ‘cause you were like, oh, we haven’t done anything Luna. We keep saying we're gonna do a Luna thing, and then we don't do a Luna thing, and so you didn't guess Luna.
Kim: Ohhhh. Amazing. Thank you.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh yeah!
Kim: Thank you for finding this for me.
Sequoia: This is umm... this is great.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: Okay, so there are some parts in this that are in italics in the writing which is meant to be inside Hermione's head.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Just FYI while we go forward.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: God, how does one even begin to explain Luna Lovegood?
Kim: Uhh... hot! [Sequoia laughs] The girl I wanna do it with. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Luna was the wrench in her gears. Luna was the only thing that could crack Hermione’s will.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Hmmmmm.
Sequoia: Oh, Hermione's got this whole plan. She’s a plan lady.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: With a plan.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Lady with a plan.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then Luna comes along and is just like, Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. [stifled laughter]
Kim: But I don’t feel like that's, like, shoving a wrench in Hermione’s plans. Luna can do whatever she wants off in the corner and Hermione can just keep chugging along. [Sequoia laughs] Luna’s not hurting anyone.
Sequoia: No. No.
Kim: Except the problem is that Hermione wants to do it with her. [Sequoia laughs] Nice. I’m into that. No, I’m not. Maybe I am. Who knows?
Sequoia: Oh God.
Kim: Sorry, I'll stop. [Sequoia laughs] I feel like... I feel like now isn’t the time for me to start yelling about lesbians. [Sequoia continues to laugh] Because our listeners don’t have the context for that.
Sequoia: No, they don’t.
Kim: Woooo.
Sequoia: Okay. This sentence is really good, so...
Kim: 'Kay.
Sequoia: Luna was like a mirage in the desert; you’re never sure if she's really there or not.
Kim: [spits] I think... I feel like Luna’s the kind of person that you're always sure she's there. But not that she's like...
Both: [elongated] Thereeee.
Sequoia: Yep. For the listeners, we were motioning towards our heads. [both laugh] You know. You're not sure she's alllll [brief pause] there.
Kim: She’s like... present in the moment.
Sequoia: She's definitely not present in the moment.
Kim: [laughs] Did you see that?
Sequoia: What are you doing?
Kim: I hit myself in the face with the pop filter.
Sequoia: [laughs] Doin’ a great job. We’re... we’re uh, professional podcasters.
Kim: Noooo.
Sequoia: Ummmm. 'Kay. [pause] Really, she can only get in my way.
Kim: [choked laughter] What?
Sequoia: That was in Hermione's head.
Kim: How is Luna getting in your way, Hermione?
Sequoia: I don't know, because she's so...
Kim: Hot.
Sequoia: ...whacky. [laughs] Hermione knew it was cold of her to think such things. But it was true. There was nothing that she was useful for.
Kim: Oh my gosh! Maybe this isn't Hermione/Luna. Jesus! Hermione! Be nice!
Sequoia: [laughs] There was nothing that she was useful for.
Kim: You can only talk about Neville that way. [Sequoia laughs] That's the only person it's okay to say that about. [both laugh longer and louder]
Sequoia: Except for confuddling Hermione to the point of exhaustion.
Kim: Meh.
Sequoia: Oftentimes she lost sleep over the predicaments that presented themselves to her, courtesy of Luna.
Kim: What predicaments? I feel like in the books all that ever happens is Luna says something ridiculous, Hermione goes [several loud scoffs] and that's it. [brief pause] That was not sex noises. [Sequoia laughs] I know… I realize it sounded like sex noises immediately afterwards. It was supposed to be frustrated noises. [Sequoia laughs louder but muffled in her hands] Whoops. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, man. Then why is it that she and I are together? We have nothing in common, and she only proves to be a nuisance.
Kim: This isn’t even, like, a them getting together story?
Sequoia: No, they're already together.
Kim: This is them already together.
Sequoia: They’re already together. [Kim squeals] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Awesome. I love established couple fics.
Sequoia: Yeah they're cute. They're fun.
Kim: ‘Cause there's sooooo much, like, getting together stuff. Sometimes you just wanna read about a couple that is together.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: You wanna read about the stuff that comes after the beginning. The beginning’s fun, but you know. The later stuff’s good too.
Sequoia: But this is really fun. [chuckles]
Kim: [high pitched voice] What's about to happen?
Sequoia: Yes, that's right, only a nuisance. So there was no reason for her to stay with Luna any longer, was there?
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Oh! Cold!
Sequoia: Yeah. Hermione’s, like, not very nice...
Kim: Cold as ice! Wow!
Sequoia: ...in this. Yeah.
Kim: Ok. Sooo mean. Yeah, I’d forgotten when you said that they were together that she has just said that there was nothing Luna’s good for.
Sequoia: [chuckles] Yeah! Jesus.
Kim: Never mind.
Sequoia: So it's decided. I should find her and tell her as soon as possible. Now, even. [Kim laughs] The sooner I get this off my chest, the sooner I will be able to concentrate again.
Kim: [spits air] Fine.
Sequoia: And so Hermione took a detour. She was originally on her way to the library. ‘Cause she’s fucking always at the library.
Kim: Fucking Hermione. Go somewhere else.
Sequoia: It’s like every fanfiction ever is like, Hermione was in the library. Hermione was on her way to the library.
Kim: Hermione was makin’ out with the library. [Sequoia laughs] Wait. [Sequoia continues to laugh] Wait a second.
Sequoia: Gotta find some of that Hermione/Madam Pince stuff.
Kim: [laughing] Oh no. [both laugh] I meant like the physical space. [Sequoia continues to laugh] Either one of those. If you know one, let us know. I wanna read it.
Sequoia: Put it in the suggestions form, please. Okay.
Kim: Wooo. Just tweet us a link.
Sequoia: [singing] Tweet at us. She was originally on her way to the library for some studying before dinner. A little bit of sanctuary before having to deal with Ron and Harry.
Kim: Ughhh, Ron and Harry. Fuck those guys.
Sequoia: Oh god. Have to deal with them again. [Kim laughs] Instead, she went in the direction of the Ravenclaw common room. As Head Girl, she knew where the common rooms for each house were situated in case of emergency. It was a warm Saturday evening, and her jumper made her arms itch. That seemed like a weird jump. [laughs]
Kim: I mean.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I got nothing to say.
Sequoia: No. Okay.
Kim: Sometimes sweaters are itchy. [Sequoia laughs] I don’t know. And of course Hermione’s Head Girl.
Sequoia: Yeah. That's also a thing that happens in a lot of fanfiction.
Kim: Every...
Sequoia: Every…
Kim: Every fanfic where it’s seventh year, Hermione is Head Girl. Like, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. Because she would be. She would be Head Girl.
Kim: There's, like, no question. Like, there’s some question about which guy’s gonna be... but no question...
Sequoia: Draco Malfoy! Have you read my recommendation...
Kim: No.
Sequoia: ...from my last episode?
Kim: I’ve still been avoiding it. [both laugh]
Sequoia: 'Kay.
Kim: Wait. No, wait.
Sequoia: [brief pause] What?
Kim: That's a Draco/Hermione Head Boy Head Girl one?
Sequoia: It is.
Kim: What is wrong with you?
Sequoia: [whiny voice] I don't know. I don’t know.
Kim: That’s worse than I could have ever imagined.
Sequoia: [laughs] Honestly, why am I with her in the first place? I must've had a momentary lapse of judgement. [Kim laughs] No, that can't be it. [holding back laughter] She never has a lapse of judgement.
Kim: I never have those.
Sequoia: Wow. Wow.
Kim: Hermione?!
Sequoia: A little full of yourself, aren’t you?
Kim: I mean this story started with her, like, thinking about how great she is.
Sequoia: I am so organized. I am so...
Kim: Amazing.
Sequoia: [laughs] No, that can’t be it. Perhaps I’m ill. Note to self, research illnesses that affect proper judgement and regular common sense. [Kim laughs and snorts] Hermione pondered to herself as she scratched her arms. Just when she thought she would have to discard the itchy piece of clothing, she heard a strange noise penetrating the walls of the castle. It sounded brash, confident and bold. A brass instrument perhaps? Yes, it had to be.
Kim: Whaaaaat?
Sequoia: Curiosity got the better of her (bloody illness) and she followed the sounds down the hall.
Kim: Because Hermione is never curious.
Sequoia: She's never curious and she never wants to know anything about anything that isn’t in a book. And it’s just this illness that she has. [Kim laughs] Because she's in love with Luna.
Kim: [continues to laugh] Okay, fine.
Sequoia: Soon, a tune seemed to emerge from behind the stones. It was fast and heavy; it reminded Hermione of swing lessons that she had taken when she was younger.
Kim: Hermione.
Sequoia: Which no one was ever to know about. Ever.
Kim: Awwww. No one has ever...
Sequoia: Swing is cool!
Kim: Yeah! Right? Hermione! What's wrong with learning how to dance?
Sequoia: [chuckles] She's mean and she doesn’t want to have any fun.
Kim: Is she like a Vulcan in this story?
Sequoia: [laughs] She is being a lot like that.
Kim: Has no emotions and no fun.
Sequoia: Yeah. Hermione followed the music to a door, open only a small crack. She waited a moment before pushing it open gently, just as the final crescendos permeated her senses. What she saw in front of her made her mouth drop open… [Kim laughs] and her head go for a twirl.
Kim: What? What? [makes nonsensical noises and then chuckles] What does that mean?
Sequoia: Luna Lovegood plays the trumpet?
Kim: [laughs] No. That sounds right.
Sequoia: A gasp escaped her mouth. Yeah, like...
Kim: That sounds right. I’m not surprised.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Why is Hermione surprised? That it's not a... not an even more, like, outlandish...
Sequoia: Like, ummm?
Kim: Luna Lovegood plays the bagpipes. Luna Lovegood plays the sousaphone.
Sequoia: I could totally see Luna Lovegood playing the bagpipes, by the way.
Kim: Luna Lovegood plays the didgeridoo.
Sequoia: Ohhhh yeah! Aww man, I wish this was a didgeridoo now.
Kim: That would have been better. Yeah.
Sequoia: [laughs and then sighs contemplatively] Indeed she did. The enigma herself turned slowly at the sound of Hermione's minute gasp. She wore blue, striped pants… [Kim laughs] and a white Muggle tank top. [Kim laughs more] What's a Muggle tank top? [both laugh]
Kim: You know wizards wear normal clothes, too, sometimes…?
Sequoia: Yeah. I just... I think that's just a tank top. But that's cool.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: She had drawn all over it and sewn buttons onto the length of the straps that were too large for her small, smooth shoulders.
Kim: Her straps were too big?
Sequoia: She's dressed as like, an old timey… like a... like a saxophone playing, like, mafia member.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Or something. [laughs] I don't know.
Kim: Well, she's got... she's got like... she's wearing this tank top.
Sequoia: She's wearing a zoot suit but without the...
Kim: No, she's wearing a tank top that's got, like, smiley faces drawn on it. [Sequoia [laughs] Or something.
Sequoia: She had drawn all over it, yeah. And she had sewn buttons to her... she had blue striped pants.
Kim: [laughs] Yeah. Oh, so you're imagining the pants are like a zoot suit.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That's awesome. Awesome.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's what I’m seein’. I’m seein’ Luna Lovegood.
Kim: And she, like, took off the jacket.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Ohhhhhhh.
Sequoia: Zoot suit, playing the trumpet in Hogwarts.
Kim: This sounds right.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: This is... yeah. The funny thing about Luna is that you can write anything about her pretty much and it’s like, yeah that sounds right.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: That sounds right.
Sequoia: [higher pitched, spacey voice] “Why hello, Hermy-love!” [Kim groans] “How are you this fine evening?” [Kim continues to groan] You don't like that? You don't like Hermy-love? [Kim makes a small squeaking noise] [Sequoia chuckles and then pauses] ‘Cause I hate it. [both laugh] Hermy is number one worst Hermione nickname. [Kim continues to groan] Oh God.
Kim: There's just... None of them are good. They're all bad.
Sequoia: [in the high pitched spacey voice] “Why hello, Hermy-love.”
Kim: Oooh, you're doing a voice for me today?
Sequoia: [laughs] This. It’s my.... I don't know. Fuck.
Kim: It's great.
Sequoia: So bad.
Kim: No, it was great.
Sequoia: “How are you this fine evening?” [makes a weird alien noise] [Kim chuckles] Her long, pale hair moved around her shoulders as she stretched her arms in the air. Hermione could hear her elbows crack.
Kim: 'Kay.
Sequoia: “You… play an instrument? You play… the trumpet?” Hermione was flabbergasted. Why had she not known this?
Kim: [laughs] Well, nobody knows... you've got secrets, Hermione.
Sequoia: Yeah. She's just like, not paying attention to her girlfriend at all.
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: Rude.
Kim: Well, I mean she doesn’t even really like her that much, from the story.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. [Kim snickers] "I suppose I do, don't I? Yes, this is Georgia.” She held up the shining gold instrument and gave it a kiss on the bell. Her lips left a mark.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “Er, well, yes.” [Kim laughs] Hermione nearly forgot why she was there in the first place. “I came to talk to you.” Luna’s eyes glittered in happiness. [Kim laughs] She bounded over to where Hermione was standing and enveloped her in a large hug, Georgia still in her right hand.
Kim: Luna...
Sequoia: “That makes me feel oh so special. What do you want to talk about? Hair? I rather like hair. Did you know that it’s the main dietary source of hippogriffs? Well, it is. [Kim breathes heavily] You see, what they do is…”
Kim: What?
Sequoia: [holding back laughter] Ya know, classic Luna Lovegood, just starts talking about hair.
Kim: Yeah, but we know things about hippogriffs.
Sequoia: Yeah. Hermione cut her off. “Hippogriffs do not eat hair.”
Kim: Oh. Well, fine.
Sequoia: "It has no nutritional value whatsoever.” [Kim laughs] Her eyebrows were furrowed as she pulled away from the hug. Honestly, hair? “How do you know? Have you eaten hair?” [holding back laughter] Luna challenged her with a competitive look and a wink.
Kim: [laughs] Wink?
Sequoia: How would you know… how would you know if it has any nutritional value, Hermione?
Kim: Unless you've eaten it?
Sequoia: You have not tried to sustain yourself on only hair. [Kim laughs] For an extended period of time.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: “Well, of course not. But I know enough to know that it's not the main dietary source of hippogriffs, or any other mammal for that matter.” [Kim laughs] Hermione became flustered. “It’s all right, Hermy, relax. We can talk about whatever you want. What is it that you came here to talk to me about? Because we can't just stand here talking about things that you didn't come here to talk about. That would be unethical. Imagine that. Ha!”
Kim: [long pause[ [whispering] What?
Sequoia: [laughs] Luna then proceeded to place her hands on her hips and give a full bellied laugh. Her eyes scrunched closed and her mouth opened wide like she was in the middle of a yawn. [long pause] She's acting crazy.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Like… like, there's Luna, and then there's like...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Crazy.
Kim: Yeah. Earlier, when I said you could write anything about Luna and it would be fine? Yeah, that's actually not true. [Sequoia laughs] That's not true.
Sequoia: This is a little crazy.
Kim: A little too far.
Sequoia: Hermione sighed and tapped her lightly on the shoulder. Ridiculous. The guffaws stopped immediately, and Luna's face now held a look of seriousness. Her cheeks were rosy.
Kim: 'Kay.
Sequoia: “I don't think we should... What I mean to say is...” [Kim laughs] She stuttered and stumbled on her words. Wasn't this supposed to be quick and easy? Hermione stopped speaking.
Kim: You know what else is quick and easy?
Sequoia: Nooo. No! [both laugh]
Kim: Okay, I’m seriously confused about what they're doing together in this story. Like, you know, like, you read sometimes, like, the opposites attract kind of stories?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Hermione, like, hates Luna as far as we can tell in this story.
Sequoia: Yeah, which is funny because in...
Kim: There’s been not like even...
Sequoia: Because in canon, she doesn't hate Luna.
Kim: She doesn't hate her. She thinks she’s kind of ridiculous.
Sequoia: Yeah, but she doesn't hate her.
Kim: And it's... [laughs] There’s like... she's not even been, like, thinking about, like, that Luna’s hot or anything. There's...
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Nothing. No indication that Hermione likes Luna even a little bit.
Sequoia: Nope. [Kim laughs] But Luna plays the trumpet.
Kim: Hermione doesn't find that attractive! [Sequoia laughs] She’s just like [in a low voice] “What the fuck are you doing?” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Luna was wearing a contemplative smile, her hand holding her chin. “Please, hold onto that thought for a moment.” As Luna spoke, she looked directly into Hermione's eyes. She placed her hands on both of Hermione's shoulders and directed her to the center of the room. What?
Kim: [mumbling] What? What is...?
Sequoia: Then she placed Georgia in her hands… [Kim laughs] and pushed her fingers into the right positions.
Kim: [laughs more] What?
Sequoia: She continued directing Hermione until she saw she was in the right playing position. Hermione could do nothing but look bewildered.
Kim: [spits] What is happening?
Sequoia: What's going on? “Luna, what in Merlin’s name are you doing?” Luna ignored her question. Instead she took a step back and said one word. “Play.”
Kim: [laugh] Luna’s like... Luna’s like...
Sequoia: I know you're trying to break up with me right now.
Kim: Luna’s like, we have to talk about whatever you came here to talk about or else it would be unethical. Now play my trumpet. [Sequoia laughs] Is that a euphemism? Wait a second.
Both: Wait a second.
Kim: They're doing it. [Sequoia laughs] I’m sorry, Sequoia.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: Whatever you thought was happening in this story is not it.
Sequoia: I know. “What?” Hermione was not foolish enough to think that she could play an instrument that took years to master without ever even touching one before. [Kim laughs] “Just place your lips on the mouthpiece.”
Kim: Why wouldn’t you just like even try?
Sequoia: Because she doesn’t like unpredictable things. She doesn’t like to be bad at stuff. She doesn’t like to... [words drawn out] experience life.
Kim: Anything. [both laugh]
Sequoia: “Just place your lips on the mouthpiece.” Hermione did so, with a look of discomfort. [Kim snorts] “No, no. Puckered. Like you're going to kiss someone.” Luna nodded her head in encouragement. [Kim laughs] Hermione eyed the mark that Luna's lips had left on the bell of the trumpet when she kissed it, and for a split second she imagined kissing her. Really, only a second!
Kim: [laughs] Okay, fine.
Sequoia: Fine.
Both: Fine.
Kim: Hermione. I don't know that you're fooling anyone but yourself.
Sequoia: Yeah. “Okay. Now, take a deep breath, and just blow it all out.” Luna smiled and demonstrated with an imaginary trumpet.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “Don't worry, Georgia takes good care of beginners.” [Kim snorts] [Sequoia laughs] [both snort and laugh harder]
Kim: Okay. So here's the thing. This whole story, the trumpet is a metaphor. For a person named Georgia. Soooo?
Sequoia: [laughs] Just any person named Georgia?
Kim: Any person. Whomever. Imagine that, listeners.
Sequoia: [strangled laughter] Oh, man.
Kim: Go back and listen again. With that new context.
Sequoia: With the newwww context.
Kim: [laughs] I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.
Sequoia: Hermione felt incredibly foolish. She didn't know anything about trumpets.
Kim: Well they're kinda tubular. And they're made of metal.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: And you blow into them and they go toot toot toot.
Sequoia: They make a sound.
Kim: You gotta... you know something about trumpets.
Sequoia: God.
Kim: Hermione!
Sequoia: She doesn’t know a thing! [Kim laughs] About trumpets! She was the smartest witch around, and here Luna was, the strangest witch around. [Kim laughs loudly] [Sequoia snickers] Yeah, that's... that's pretty accurate.
Kim: That is actually accurate.
Sequoia: That's pretty accurate.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And yet, Luna was the one teaching Hermione. A shiver ran its way up her spine. She’s super turned on by that. [laughs]
Kim: Oh God! Is that what happened just now?! [Sequoia laughs harder] Hermione’s turned on by other people teaching her things? [Sequoia laughs harder still] What?!
Sequoia: I don't know.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: And so, Hermione took a deep, deep breath, held it for a second, and blew. She was sure her face was red. She must have looked like a blowfish. And yet, there was no sound. [Kim laughs] Not even a pitiful croak. Just quiet hissing. Hermione frowned and let her hands drop down to their sides. “No, no, no. Don't give up, Hermy-love.” [both groan] Luna stepped closer, looked into Hermione's eyes, and smiled. “Come on, you can do this. You're Hermione Granger, right?” [Kim laughs] she said as she placed her hands in the playing position again, her hands lingering on Hermione's skin a bit longer than quite necessary. Hermione nodded. Yes, she could do this. [Kim laughs louder] Yes. I’m fucking Hermione Granger and I can play this trumpet.
Kim: I can play the trumpet! With you showing me and telling me how.
Sequoia: [laughs] “Okay.” Luna grinned brightly. She stepped back again and instructed. “First, wet your lips. If you feel the need to shift your mouth a little bit, do so. Just…”
Kim: We’re getting a trumpet lesson now?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: In the middle of this story?
Sequoia: “Just before you blow, make your lips a bit tighter and make the airstream flow quicker.” Hermione nodded. She wet her lips, took another deep breath, and blew. There was a loud, brilliant sound that emanated from Georgia. [Kim laughs and spits] I’m gonna let that sit for a second. [laughs]
Kim: [exhales] This story is way better. [both laugh] Wooo.
Sequoia: There wasn't anything particularly special; only a blast of phonetics, but it was special for Hermione. She had played the trumpet.
Kim: You think it sounded like [makes a horn noise]?
Sequoia: Yep. Really fucking bad. [Kim imitates horn noise again] [both laugh]
Kim: What do trumpets sound like? I don’t know.
Sequoia: [laughs] I don’t know, but I think your impression of a trumpet is pretty good probably.
Kim: [laughs] Thanks.
Sequoia: A human impression of a trumpet. [Kim continues laughing] Hermione and Luna both grinned and hugged each other. “Good job, Hermy! You might have a gift for this, you know?” Luna winked. Hermione laughed a little bit. “Maybe. It's certainly interesting.” [Kim snickers] She handed Georgia back to Luna, and Luna placed it back in its case with care. “So,” Luna started. “What is it you came all the way down here to talk to Loony Lovegood about?”
Kim: Ahhh...
Sequoia: She turned…
Kim: Ahhh…
Sequoia: Ahhh…
Both: Ahhhhhhh...
Sequoia: She turned around and faced Hermione with a small smile. Her head tilted to the side just a fraction, and her eyebrow was raised. “Hermy?” She smiled. She took a deep breath and pondered. I think I might know what my illness is. [Kim laughs] “Oh, it was nothing, Luna.” She grinned and blushed slightly. Just a momentary lapse of judgement. That’s all.
Kim: She couldn’t even lie and be like, I came to say, hey, what’s up? Let’s make out.
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] No.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Yeah, she just went to break up with Luna, but Luna taught her how to play the trumpet.
Kim: One note.
Sequoia: One note. On the trumpet. And...
Kim: [laughs] Told her she was great at it.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And then she’s like, yeah...
Sequoia: And then she’s like, "Yeah, this is fine I guess."
Kim: She couldn’t even lie to Luna about why she came to see her.
Sequoia: No. She said it was nothing.
Kim: She said it was a momentary lapse of judgement.
Sequoia: Oh no, that was in her head.
Kim: That was in her head? Okay. Because, like, if you said that out loud, that’s uhhhh...
Sequoia: That’s uhhhhh... I wouldn’t really be surprised.
Kim: That’s something a person wouldn’t want to hear.
Sequoia: Yeah. Like, that wouldn’t really surprise me in the context of the story.
Kim: Yeah. I mean, Hermione obviously doesn’t really like her. [laughs]
Sequoia: She smiled at the end of the story, once.
Kim: [exhales] Yeah.
Sequoia: [long pause] Sooooo. [both laugh] That’s it.
Kim: Niiiice. All of my predictions were [singing] wrong.
Sequoia: Yeah. You weren’t going to get any of those right.
Kim: Okay, so what... I was on totally the wrong track with the name though. Is the Green Hornet like a type of trumpet?
Sequoia: Maybe? I have no idea.
Kim: I’m looking it up.
Sequoia: [singing] Look it up. I should have looked it up.
Kim: It’s a song.
Sequoia: It’s a song. Is it played on the trumpet?
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Ohhhhhhh.
Kim: So from what I Googled. I’m not sure if this is correct or not, but it looks like there is a trumpet song called the Green Hornet, which is the theme song to a Green Hornet TV show.
Sequoia: Ohhhhhh. Sooooo, it did...
Kim: Who is the super hero I was talking about at the beginning?
Sequoia: Wooooow. I guess I lied to you.
Kim: Uhhhhhhh…?
Sequoia: In a fashion.
Kim: [laughs] I don’t know if I was gonna say that. [Sequoia laughs] I was still totally on the wrong track. Kind of. I don’t know. So, yeah. That’s weird.
Sequoia: Hmmm. I really felt like... because I know this is episode eleven, but the last episode I edited was seven.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And we really just kept talking about Luna without ever doing a Luna story.
Kim: Yeah, no, we’ve both... the last episode we recorded was ten, and you…
Sequoia: I guessed Luna again.
Kim: Luna. Again. And then I was also, like, also this story was written 2000.
Sequoia: Ohhhh, right. I remember. I remember now.
Kim: [chuckles] Because I kept doing really old stories. And you kept guessing Luna for them.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Or that story where I was like... you thought the fling was going to be with Luna. And I was like…
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: But I’d already told you the story was written in 2000.
Sequoia: Urghhhh. And I wasn’t paying attention.
Kim: [laughs] Ooooooh, funny, funny.
Sequoia: God.
Kim: Yeah, we have been talking about Luna a lot.
Sequoia: I love...
Kim: But we’ve also been talking about Dramione a lot.
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s true and we still haven’t done one. Well...
Kim: No Dramione yet.
Sequoia: Yeah, we did. [pause] Episode nine.
Kim: Oh my God.
Sequoia: Could be…
Kim: I have blocked that from my memory.
Sequoia: Yeah. You know...
Kim: That story… that story was worse than I remember.
Sequoia: Uh huh. Yeah, so I, like... I thought we should do something with Luna.
Kim: Yeah. That’s a good thing. Yeah.
Sequoia: And I had like six of them. [Kim laughs] And I picked that one
Kim: [laughs harder] Nice.
Sequoia: Because I have a Ron/Luna but I really just can’t stand it. Like, the story is fine but like…
Kim: They’re not a good pairing.
Sequoia: They’re a bad pairing and like I don’t know why it bothers me so much.
Kim: Bad pairings?
Sequoia: No, Ron and Luna.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: I don’t know why that particularly bothers me.
Kim: ‘Cause Ron in particular dismisses Luna. Like, as a person, I feel like.
Sequoia: Ahhh, that’s true. ‘Cause I was… post book four…?
Kim: Were you a Harry/Luna shipper?
Sequoia: I was.
Kim: Oh my God.
Sequoia: Yeah, I was. [Kim laughs] Just ‘cause I, like, never thought the Ginny thing was actually gonna happen.
Kim: I always kinda hoped that it would just be with someone we just didn’t know.
Sequoia: Like a new… new person?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Well, there… there’s that part at the end of four where she’s like looking for her stuff and…
[long pause]
Kim: You’re thinking of five.
Sequoia: Five. Then maybe it was five. Was that five?
Kim: Yeah, it is. Because she’s not introduced as a character until book five. But yeah, there is that really sweet moment with Harry and Luna in book five.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I did like that. I like... I like Dean/Luna better, personally.
Sequoia: Yeah! That’s one I never… that I had not considered until fanfiction.
Kim: That’s from seven though. Is where I get that one from.
Sequoia: Right. Because of the... yeah, okay.
Kim: Yeah, because they spend time in prison together or whatever.
Sequoia: Hmmm.
Kim: I always thought that was kind of nice. I don’t know.
Sequoia: Kind of nice, them hanging out in prison together.
Kim: Were they in prison together? Wait a second.
Sequoia: No. They were… no.
Kim: No. Because Luna was in prison, and they rescue her, and then Dean’s [brief pause] there.
Sequoia: Dean was travelling with all those…
Kim: Goblins.
Sequoia: Goblins. Yeah. Okay, cool. [laughs]
Kim: That was a weird interlude.
Sequoia: We were just talking about Harry Potter for a minute.
Kim: That’s our… my shaky memory of books five through seven. What we talked about just now.
Sequoia: Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh, I’m bad. I need to… I need to re-read.
Kim: I never re-read those as much as the other ones.
Sequoia: Every time I do a re-read, I get, like, through like three or four and then something happens…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Where I just like... stop reading.
Kim: Yeah. I’m chugging through three at this point. It’s kinda slow going.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah. Sooooooo I’m glad to have brought Luna into the mix here.
Kim: Thank you. Thank you. We needed that.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ‘Cause we kept guessing her.
Sequoia: We kept guessing her. [both laugh] I’ve got some other fun Luna stuff for other times.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: In this life.
Kim: How about you give us your rec now?
Sequoia: Okay! So, last time we were recording, we talked about all the Percy and Oliver I’ve been reading.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Well, I’ve got one to rec.
Kim: Yesss! Oh my God! They. Are. One of my favorite pairings.
Sequoia: Oh my God, they are sooooo.... it’s so good.
Kim: The uptight pairing with the jock. Amazing!
Sequoia: It’s sooo good.
Kim: It’s magic. [Sequoia laughs] Magic! [Sequoia laughs harder] Is it smutty? Is it?
Sequoia: No, it’s not.
Kim: Is it smut…
Sequoia: It’s me.
Kim: Damnit. [almost inaudible] I want that smut. [laughs]
Sequoia: I know. It’s called Snowball Tomfoolery. And it is like the most in character Percy and Oliver I’ve read. [Kim makes a high pitched squeal] And it’s like a hinty one… like, it's not like…
Kim: Hmmmm. Undertones?
Sequoia: It’s like the… you know? Like the first instance of there being maybe being something there.
Kim: Aha. Niiiiice.
Sequoia: Sort of a thing. And I really liked it.
Kim: Cool. I’m looking forward to reading that one. I’ve been avoiding your Dramione one but I’m going to read that.
Sequoia: [exhales dramatically] Like, I want you to read it, but I also don’t want you to read it. Because you’re gonna be like, Sequoia what the fuck is this? [Kim laughs] Who are you?
Kim: I am already disappointed in you for choosing a Dramione Head Boy, Head Girl one.
Sequoia: I knowwww.
Kim: God!
Sequoia: And it’s like bad. [laughs]
Kim: Do they share a fucking common room?
Sequoia: [pause] Yes.
Kim: OH MY GOD! [Sequoia laughs loudly] I hate that trope. I haaaaate that trope. I hate it. I hate it.
Sequoia: I am so sorry. I’m so sorry.
Kim: [pronounces clearly] I hate it.
Sequoia: You don’t have to read it.
Kim: I’m going to.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: All right, so there’s our rec for this time.
Sequoia: Yup. Snowball’s Tomfoolery.
Kim: That sounds nice.
Sequoia: There you go.
Kim: Cool. The link will be in the description. What else is linked in the description, Sequoia?
Sequoia: The Patreon’s linked in the description.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: You can go there to get some extra [brief pause] garbage.
Kim: [laughs] We’re releasing bonus audio content and some bonus written content there. If you like what we’re doing and want to support us, that’s a great way to do it.
Sequoia: It is. Annnd we’re doing some really fun stuff over there. We’re talking about... like, different tags and how they’re used. We're talking about, like, different crazy ships that, like, maybe are not something we can do on the podcast, or we just, like, don't have a story to…
Kim: Yeah. So, if you’re interested, our extra content, it’s all going to be up there.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I got an idea for another story that I’m gonna start writing. Hopefully that will go up soon.
Sequoia: Yeah. I’m going to write something too.
Kim: Yeah. I don’t believe you. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah. So we’ve got stuff going up over there.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It’s very like fanfictiony, soooo...
Kim: Yeah. So if you like what we’re doing and want to support us then that’s a good way. Another good way to support us if you don’t want to pay us, ‘cause that’s fine. Leave us a review on iTunes.
Sequoia: Yes, please.
Kim: Yeah. That’s a really good way to show your support for this podcast. And it’s helpful for us too, to get feedback. We want to hear about it.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So let us know.
Sequoia: Also [brief pause] tweet at us. [both laugh]
Kim: [under her breath] Jesus fucking... How many Twitter plugs can we get? Yeah, we have social media accounts. Follow us on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. Should be getting some Cursed Child episode updates on there.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: If you’re interested, we are working on that.
Sequoia: Yeah. We’re doing all sorts of stuff. I don’t know.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: This is December 18th.
Kim: [laughs] Who knows what’s happening.
Sequoia: Who knows.
Kim: We might have…
Sequoia: Some of that stuff may have already come out.
Kim: We might have to come back and re-record this. [Sequoia laughs] That’s fine.
Sequoia: Who knows, man.
Kim: Ah, okay. So follow us on social media. We’re @FanaticalFics everywhere. You can also email us if you want to talk to us about the stories, or if you’ve written fanfiction and you want to read it to us or something like that. We’d love to hear from you. Our email is fanacticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: If you read a lot of fanfiction and you come across something that you think we have to see...
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: ...please use the story submission form that is also linked in the description.
Kim: Yeah, I wanna seeee! I love reading fanfiction. I wanna read more of it. Let us know if you find something great. Or bad.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Or anywhere in between.
Sequoia: [pause] Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Anything.
Kim: Anything.
Sequoia: [whispers] Anything.
Kim: Anything. Even if I’ve already read it. [snickers]
Sequoia: Exactly. We re-read a lot of fanfiction, soooo.
Kim: [groans] Share it with us. I wanna see. [long pause] I feel like we’re forgetting something.
Sequoia: [makes nonsensical sounds] No, we’re not. We just got through that really fast. We just, like, did it.
Kim: We’re getting better at this.
Sequoia: We just like completed... [laughs]
Kim: Are we getting better at this? [Sequoia laughs louder] Did we hit everything we needed to in our social media plug?
Sequoia: It only took eleven episodes, but like...
Kim: [laughs loudly] Yeah. I think you mean twelve.
Sequoia: Oh shit.
Kim: Because of our failed seven. We recorded a twelfth episode. [mumbles]
Sequoia: Oh God. That’s true. That’s very true. [Kim groans] Ummmm… well…
Kim: So...
Sequoia: I think that was it.
Kim: Thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their amazing song Wolfstar as our theme song. Bye.
Sequoia: [long pause] Bye. [Kim laughs loudly]