Episode 12: Kiss Booth
Thank you for your patience as we went on a brief vacation over this holiday season. We’re back! In this episode we enter a yet to be explored on this podcast era of HP fan fiction and (yet again) Kim’s voices could not be more perfect.
Recommendation: What Does the “J” Stand For?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1106433/1/What-Does-the-J-Stand-For
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Jeanne
Checker: Skylar
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: We’re. In. The. Studio. Making you lay down a track.
Kim: I don’t know that I would... I don’t know that I’d call this a studio.
Sequoia: We’re in Kim’s spare bedroom.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Laying down a track. [laughs]
Kim: That even has sheets on it.
Sequoia: It does. It’s a very nice spare bedroom.
Kim: Yeah. We’re working on it. It needs… The closet needs…
Sequoia: There’s some coats in it. And a chair.
Kim: It needs, like, a curtain or something though. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, you can see right in. There’s some coats and a chair. [She and Kim laugh. Kim continues to laugh] This is really good... This is really good, quality podcast content.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: This is what people have been waiting for.
Kim: Us describing my spare bedroom? [both laugh]
Sequoia: [Kim continues to laugh] People have been like, aw. No episode for a month?
Kim: You know what I want?
Sequoia: [laughs] You know what I want? [laughs again]
[Theme music (“Wolfstar” by The Whomping Willows): You know we really love you/And it ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it, naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend, you can count on me/You can count on me, you can count on me]
Sequoia: Wait, wait. Hold on a second…
Kim: A long-ass... What?
Sequoia: Hello! I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: Oh shit. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I wanna leave this in the edit like this, dude…
Kim: [still laughing] Can’t surprise me like that.
Sequoia: Imma leave it...
Kim: Nooo.
Sequoia: ...in the edit like this.
Kim: Ugh, fuck, fuck. [small pause] And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: [laughing] Jesus. And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: Our p-p-p- [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] Our podcast about spare bedrooms. [both continue to laugh]
Kim: Shit. [Sequoia continues to laugh] I’ve never had a problem with that... problem with that part before.
Sequoia: No. [laughs]
Kim: It’s a podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction! [under her breath] There we go.
Sequoia: And today…
Kim: It’s my turn!
Sequoia: What are you reading me? What is it?
Kim: A story. So I do have a slight disclaimer, I guess, before we jump into it. This story I picked is a little long, based on how long we’d been going recently. It was the same length as the story I did in episode 2, but I feel like…
Sequoia: That was pretty long.
Kim: Yeah. So, I’ve cut about a thousand words from it...
Sequoia: Radical.
Kim: To try to... In the interest in not being here for ten hours.
Sequoia: Right. I would like to not be in the spare bedroom for ten hours, actually.
Kim: What? What are you talking about?
Sequoia: I mean, it’s a nice... it’s a nice spare bedroom.
Kim: We’ve got a pipe? [Sequoia laughs] In the ceiling? And there’s the... the...
Sequoia: There are a lot of doors in here.
Kim: Sprinkler control on the wall?
Sequoia: Oh, that’s what that is. You control the sprinklers from the spare bedroom.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Cool. [both laugh] Our podcast about spare bedrooms! Okay, great. So...
Kim: So yeah, I edited it a little bit. Just in full disclosure.
Sequoia: Great. What’s it called? What’s the genre? Can I guess? Badly? Please? [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, this is the part where Sequoia... I feel like it’s been so long since we’ve done this. Like, we did the attempt at a Christmas episode, but…
Sequoia: Yeah, but before that…
Kim: The last recording was in middle of October.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: And it is January.
Sequoia: It is January. I mean…
Kim: I remember how to do this, is what I am saying right now. [Sequoia laughs] I remember the order that this goes in.
Sequoia: I guarantee you, I’m still as bad at predictions as I was in October.
Kim: I mean, yeah. We went a few episodes without like, either of us getting any points there.
Sequoia: Right. But our listeners were getting points.
Kim: Our listeners are way better at this than we are.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: It’s not fair.
Sequoia: I give up. No, I don’t. I like making bad predictions. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, totally. All right, so. This is the part where Sequoia is going to make some predictions and if you’re interested in making predictions, you should…
Sequoia: Do that thing.
Kim: Tweet them at us.
Sequoia: Tweet. Them. At. Us.
Kim: Before we get started. I love hearing about them.
Sequoia: Me too.
Kim: So, here we go. The story is called Kiss Booth. [Sequoia squeals] The genre is humor/romance.
Sequoia: Yesss. [sings] Kiss Booth. [Kim laughs] Okay, there is some kind of a Hogwarts carnival.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And… oh my goodness. Somehow somebody ropes Draco Malfoy into doing the kissing booth at this Hogwarts carnival.
Kim: Amazing.
Sequoia: That’s two predictions.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: The person who ropes him into doing it is Dumbledore.
Kim: Yes. [Sequoia laughs] I love it. I love your predictions.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Kim: Are you fucking ready? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: I am so fucking ready.
Kim: Gotta get into this, gotta get into this
Sequoia: Shoulders. Get the shoulders.
Kim: You are going to be so mad in the first sentence.
Sequoia: [laughing] Fucking hell. I’m always mad at the first sentence. Always.
Kim: But you’re going to be like, extra mad.
Sequoia: Oh fuck.
Kim: Ready?
Sequoia: [resigned] Yeah. No. Yes.
Kim: With a shattered sigh, James Potter settled himself into an armchair in the common room.
Sequoia: [squealing] Oh my God! Oh my God, it’s Marauders, oh my God.
Kim: Yeeeeah. What up?
Sequoia: Like I’m, okay, so yeah. I’m like low key mad…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: But I’m highkey pumped...
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...on this.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We haven’t done Marauders.
Kim: No, we have not.
Sequoia: We haven’t done it at all.
Kim: No, we have not.
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: So… the thing about Marauders is that there’s, like, two stories... [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: There’s, um…
Kim: ...that are ever told.
Sequoia: Lily and James. The get together.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Then there’s… Remus and Sirius that get together.
Kim: Yep. Those are the two stories. [Sequoia laughs] That’s it. The only stories that are ever told in the Marauders era.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: With a shattered sigh, James Potter settled himself into an armchair in the common room. (He’d previously mistaken it as empty and accidentally sat on a first year. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Fucking first years, man.
Kim: Always.
Sequoia: Always a first year.
Kim: Everywhere. [Sequoia laughs] Just underfoot. Being tiny.
Sequoia: They’re literally so tiny. [Kim laughs]
Kim: My little brother is almost eleven and he’s just [quietly] so small.
Sequoia: So small. They’re all very small.
Kim: I’d consider sitting on him on accident.
Sequoia: Yeah. Like, that’s, you know…
Kim: It’s funny?
Sequoia: That’s funny, but it’s also true.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Eleven year olds? You are small. [Kim laughs] Next. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: None of our listeners are eleven, I should hope. [both laugh] Jesus.
Sequoia: No, yeah. [still laughing]
Kim: He was worried exactly how many first years he’d lost up his arse. [Sequoia laughs] Occasionally, [both laugh and Sequoia continues laughing] he said “Hello?” to his bum just in case there was a response. Remus had called him mad.) Remus.
Sequoia: Of course, yeah, classic Remus.
Kim: Not understanding.
Sequoia: Yeah, the sofa… [laughs]
Kim: Sometimes your cavernous anus swallows up first years. [joins Sequoia in laughing]
Sequoia: They’re so small!
Kim: It had been a long day—if by “long” you meant “short” and by “day” you meant “hour without seeing Lily Evans,” which was apparently pure torment.
Sequoia: [over it] Oh my gosh.
Kim: James.
Sequoia: James.
Kim: Get it together.
Sequoia: Get over yourself.
Kim: Get. it. together. [both laugh] Luckily, he’d managed to snag the comfiest seat in Gryffindor Tower with the best view…
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: ...of Lily Evans, picking her nose. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my God, I love that so much.
Kim: You know, sometimes when you’re doing stuff, you’re just absent mindedly… stick the ol’...
Sequoia: Sometimes you just…
Kim: Stick the ol’...
Sequoia: Pick your nose.
Kim: In the middle of the crowded common... I feel like... never mind. [Sequoia laughs] James didn’t know how she did it. Well, he supposed he...
Sequoia: Picked her nose?! [she laughs] Okay.
Kim: He supposed he did have some general idea of how picking noses worked, but she made her picking her nose, of all things, elegant.
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: [seductively] Lily.
Sequoia: Mmm.
Kim: Lily’s so good at everything.
Sequoia: Pick that nose, girl.
Kim: Even picking her nose. [both laugh] She was sitting on the other side of the room, struggling with her Transfiguration essay. James wanted to offer help, but he knew it was safer to spy on her if he wanted to keep his testicles.
Sequoia: Wow. [Kim laughs] Okay, so we’re like deep into Lily-hates-him country right here.
Kim: I mean, she usually does.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That’s most of their...
Sequoia: Some of the fics start, though, in like a “I don’t know, maybe she does like me” place, as opposed to this, like, pure, [Kim laughs] unadulterated hatred sort of thing.
Kim: Most of the ones I’ve read are just like, “Fuck you, James.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Right. ‘Cause James is James.
Kim: He’s awful. I love him. [both laugh] He watched Lily scratch her ear. Bet she looked hot doing that too.
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: Scratch that…
Both: Ear. [both laugh]
Kim: I don’t know, what’s a Sirius voice sound like?
Sequoia: He sounds like a, like a…
Kim: Like a dick?
Sequoia: Like a dudebro. [laughs]
Kim: Like, I’m trying not to... Oh, like a dudebro. [Sequoia continues to laugh] Okay, okay, I’m ready, I’m ready.
Sequoia: Oh no, what have I done?
Kim: “Prongs! Mate! I was wondering if I could have a word.” “Go away.” “You see, I’ve got this idea–” “Go away.” [Sequoia quietly laughs] “And I think it just might work.” “Go away.”
Sequoia: I’m too busy staring at Lily picking her nose, [Kim laughs] would you please leave me alone?
Kim: Look at the boogers! They’re coming out! [Sequoia laughs] I’m gonna miss one! [both laugh] James glared at his friend: Sirius was standing directly in front of him, blocking his view of Lily. “You haven’t even heard my idea yet,” Sirius said in response to his angry stare. “I don’t have to hear it; all your plans are terrible anyway.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: I feel like we don’t get a lot of, like, actual canon stories from when the Marauders were in school.
Kim: No, you don’t.
Sequoia: We don’t know a lot about it…
Kim: Which is why...
Sequoia: But I feel like this is totally valid. Like, Sirius would have eight million shit ideas.
Kim: Oh, for sure.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah. I wish there were more Marauders era stories of them just, like, hanging out, you know?
Sequoia: Yeah. Just dicking around.
Kim: That shit’s fun. [slight pause] James fidgeted in his seat, but he still couldn’t see Lily. Sirius parked in the seat opposite. James rejoiced; he could now see Lily’s hairline, if he stretched his neck far enough in that very painful position... [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] Dude, get it together.
Kim: [through laughter] He literally can’t.
Sequoia: He cannot.
Kim: Can’t handle himself. Just wants to stare. At that...
Sequoia: Hairline. [Kim laughs] Boogers. Ear. Lobe.
Kim: “Are you busy?” “Yes.” “No, you’re not,” Sirius replied, unconvinced. “You’re not doing anything.” “I’m sitting.”
Sequoia: [exasperated] Sirius, you gotta see right through this shit, dude.
Kim: Sirius pelted his face with a cushion. Realizing James’s attention was elsewhere, he turned around and spotted Lily in the corner. “I don’t think gawking at her is a smart idea.” James scoffed. “It’s not like she knows I’m doing it.”
Sequoia: Oh my God. You can’t just watch people when they don’t know you’re watching them.
Kim: But wait, but wait. “STOP STARING AT ME, POTTER! I DON’T LIKE IT!” [both laugh]
Sequoia: [high pitched] What is that voice?
Kim: It’s my Lily voice. [both continue laughing]
Sequoia: Oh, I love it. I love it.
Kim: Don’t lie to me.
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: Don’t lie to me.
Sequoia: I’m uncomfortable. [laughs]
Kim: Nice. Can’t just do the same voice for everyone. And I have a limited [Sequoia laughs] number of options. [both laugh] Lily slammed her Transfiguration book shut and marched up the stairs to her dormitory. “See, totally unaware.”
Sequoia: Oh God, James.
Kim: Sirius rolled his eyes. “Anyway, now that you’ve got nothing to look at, you can hear me out.” “I can always look at you instead.” “That’d be creepy. And that’s not looking, that’s glaring. and ow, you’re poking me! Ow. Ow. Will you grow up so I can tell you my idea?” [Sequoia laughs] That a good Sirius?
Sequoia: [lightly laughing] Yeah, that’s a really good... I love it.
Kim: He’s such a sad, sad person in the books, ‘cause of all the trauma he’s gone through.
Sequoia: Right. Like, he’s rightfully very sad. [Kim laughs] So it’s really nice to think about him in a like...
Kim: Like, as an asshole.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: The asshole he definitely was.
Sequoia: Yeah, a hundred percent. [Kim laughs]
Kim: “Can I keep poking you as you do?” “No.” “No deal.” “OW! One more poke from you, Prongs, and I will slap you!” [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: You tell him, Sirius.
Kim: James tucked his hands under his armpits. “Your hands will start to smell if you do that,” Sirius remarked. “But anyway, my idea is about raising money to buy a motorbike.” [Sequoia laughs] “OH GOD!” James...
Sequoia: Not again! [Kim laughs]
Kim: James let out a strangled cry and tried to smother himself with a cushion. “What?” Sirius asked obliviously. “What did I say? Hands? Smell? Money? [Sequoia laughs] Motorbike?” “That’s the one!” James pointed at him.
Sequoia: It’s definitely motorbike, yeah.
Kim: C’mon. C’mon, Sirius.
Sequoia: C’mon, dude.
Kim: As obsessed as James is with Lily.
Sequoia: Sirius and the motorbikes? [both laugh]
Kim: “What’s wrong with the word motorbike?” James removed the cushion from his face to answer. “There’s nothing wrong with the word motorbike, there’s something significantly wrong with the amount of times you’ve said it. I tried keeping track, but I lost count after SIX HUNDRED. [Sequoia laughs] Why don’t you just invent motorbike sex and have your wicked little way with one?”
Sequoia: Wooow.
Kim: Burn.
Sequoia: Burn.
Kim: Ya burnt.
Sequoia: Why don’t you just marry it? [Kim laughs]
Kim: Sirius pulled a face at that. “You’re making it sound as if I’m obsessed with motorbikes.” “You wrote “Sirius loves motorbikes” on my arm.” [Sequoia laughs and Kim joins]
Sequoia: You think he thought he was writing on something else? He thought he was writing in his notebook, “Sirius loves motorbikes.”
Kim: Yep. Yep. A hundred percent.
Sequoia: And James was like, “Dude.”
Kim: A hundred percent. Yep. [Both laugh] “It washed off after a week, I don’t know what you’re complaining about.” [softly] A week.
Sequoia: A week.
Kim: [through laughter] What was he writing with?
Sequoia: Probably a quill, is the thing. [Kim laughs] It sounds... that would be, like, it would be...
Kim: Just etched it in his skin a little bit.
Sequoia: ...really upsetting, yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: “Anyway, out of all the Marauders, I decided that you would be the perfect candidate for my brilliant plan.”
Sequoia: [voice getting higher] Is it a kissing booth?
Kim: Duh.
Sequoia: [squealing] Oh my God.
Kim: James stared at Sirius. “You picked me because I’m pretty, didn’t you.” [Sequoia bursts out laughing]
Sequoia: [Kim laughing in background] Oh, full of ourselves, aren’t we?
Kim: I mean…
Sequoia: I mean...
Kim: I mean, he is, though, isn’t he? Who doesn’t want to lick that glasses face? [both burst out laughing]
Sequoia: That was not where I was going with that.
Kim: Oh, no?
Sequoia: No. Also, wasn’t... I don’t know. You know how sometimes when you read a lot of fanfiction…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: You confuse fanfiction with canon?
Kim: A hundred percent.
Sequoia: Isn’t Sirius supposed to be the hot one?
Kim: Sirius is definitely the hot one, but James isn’t bad looking.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: He’s popular with the ladies.
Sequoia: Okay, okay.
Kim: Ladies love a man…
Both: ...who…
Kim: ...is Quidditch.
Sequoia: ...loves Lily Evans.
Kim: [indistinguishable phrase] [both laugh]
Sequoia: [both still laughing] Man who is Quidditch. He’s got those Quidditch muscles.
Both: Ohhh…
Sequoia: [through her and Kim’s laughter] Shit.
Kim: “Maybe,” Sirius admitted. “And if all goes well, it’ll pay for my beautiful motorbike and make you bloody well rich, if I do say so myself.” James blinked at Sirius. “But I come from a wealthy family. I’m already rich.” [both laugh] I’m beautiful and rich and...
Sequoia: [haughty voice] Did you pick me because I’m so beautiful and/or rich? [Kim laughs]
Kim: “Well, richer then. Besides, my parents have disowned me so I have no source of income.” [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, James. Look out for your poor dudebro friend here, who just wants to make love to a motorcycle. [laughs]
Kim: All he wants.
Sequoia: It’s all he wants, man. He got disowned.
Kim: Let him do whatever he wants.
Sequoia: With whatever he wants. [laughs]
Kim: Sure. [both briefly laugh] “Tell me what this plan of yours is.” “So I was thinking, to rake in the Galleons…” Sirius leaned in to whisper the idea in James’ ear. “Go away.” [Sequoia laughs] Got some dashes.
Sequoia: A passage of time.
Kim: [snickers] Sure. A kiss booth. That had been Sirius’ brilliant plan.
Sequoia: Where are they gonna set up the... like, this is... this is why... this is why my prediction was a carnival, because you don’t just…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: You don’t just…
Kim: But do, but what if you do…
Both: [while laughing] But what if you do...
Sequoia: [Kim still laughing] But dude, what if you did, man.
Kim: Sure. “I’m not sure about this, Pad.” James’s brow sweated in worry as he watched Sirius set up the booth on the fifth floor of the castle, whistling merrily.
Sequoia: [while laughing] Is that like a... like a main thoroughfare?
Kim: I don’t think it is. [both laugh] Just some, like, back hallway.
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, I guess if it was in too main of a place, like the professors...
Kim: Right, right, right.
Sequoia: ...would probably be like take down your kiss booth please?
Kim: Don’t... Why are you doing this?
Sequoia: Why are you doing this?
Kim: “Of course you’re sure,” Sirius replied. “You’ve snogged girls, have you not?” “Yeah, but not ten girls, one after the other. I NEED BREAKS.” [light laughter]
Sequoia: Only ten? Dude.
Kim: Yeah. James, come on.
Sequoia: To buy a motorbike.
Kim: He was too busy... He was too busy thinking about Lily, so he couldn’t kiss more girls.
Sequoia: Okay. Right. He’s gotta…
Kim: He’s...
Sequoia: He’s... Nope. I’m not gonna…
Kim: I’m confused.
Sequoia: Nope. [laughs]
Kim: “You can have breaks.” “How long breaks?” “Ten seconds.”
Sequoia: Dude. Dudebro.
Kim: “Piss off. I’m not doing this. It’s weird.” He started to walk away, but Sirius dragged him back. “Proooongs,” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, that goes on the sound board. [both laugh]
Kim: The only part missing was the face I was making. It was good, wasn’t it?
Sequoia: It was really good.
Kim: Listeners?
Sequoia: Again. Kim.
Kim: I was making a great face.
Sequoia: This is an audio only format.
Kim: Imagine the great face I was making. [both laugh] Sirius whined. “Don’t wimp out on me now. It’s just like kissing a lot of girls at a party or something, except getting paid for it,” he muttered the last part. [Sequoia laughs] James continued to squirm, still looking terrified by the idea. “Come on, Prongs. Peter and Remus won’t do it.” “I wonder why,” James grumbled.
Sequoia: I wonder how many would be lined up to make out with Peter Pettigrew for…
Kim: Me.
Sequoia: To pay money for...
Kim: Me. I’m in it.
Sequoia: You’re in it?
Kim: I’m in it to win it.
Sequoia: You’ll make out with whatever’s in front of you. [she laughs]
Kim: I wanna, I wanna... [Sequoia continues to laugh] Motherfucking callbacks. Shithead. Gonna say I would wanna do all of them just so I could claim I did, but...
Sequoia: Right. Yeah, no, that’s valid. I’m on board with that.
Kim: What about you? Which Marauder…
Sequoia: Oh man.
Kim: ...would you tongue touch... with... upon?
Sequoia: That’s... I mean, all of them except Peter Pettigrew. [she laughs]
Kim: What? See, you’re just leaving Marauders on the table. [Sequoia continues laughing] Back in the day, he was one of the members!
Sequoia: I guess that’s true.
Kim: I bet he was almost as popular as the other... others? [Sequoia makes a doubtful noise] As the others? [Sequoia makes another doubtful noise] Poor dude. Maybe that’s why. No one would kiss him in the kiss booth. So that’s why he became evil. “Plus, we make a good team, don’t you think? I’m the Dark and Sexy choice to kiss, while you’re…” Sirius looked James up and down, struggling to think of something to say next. “You’re…”
Sequoia: [struggling not to laugh] Come on, dude.
Kim: You could keep it together, Sirius. [Sequoia fails and laughs] Bring it home.
Sequoia: You gotta reel him in. [laughs]
Kim: “The end of the sentence better be good.” “You’re reasonably handsome with glasses!” [both laugh] Sirius concluded with a clap of his hands. “The glasses make you look smart. You’re the Intelligent choice.” “While you’re the Dumb one.” “Yeah! I’m the du... wait.” [Sequoia laughs] They got good bants, don’t they?
Sequoia: They do. As I always imagined they would.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Right. It’s so nice.
Kim: Sirius narrowed his eyes at James for nearly tricking him. “Almost got me there, four eyes.”
Sequoia: God, you gotta… no...
Kim: Not doing a great job of keeping him on your side
Sequoia: [while laughing] Not doing a good job, yeah.
Kim: He spotted two girls making their way down the corridor. “Customers! To your station, Prongs.” He dragged a nervous James behind the kiss booth. “Padfoot, I really, really don’t want to do this…” “Shut up and pout those lips,” [Sequoia bursts out laughing] Just imagining two guys just like sitting at like a makeshift table-shaped object, just lips out.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Would you be in it?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Would you be reeled in? Would that pique your interest?
Sequoia: There’s a sign that’s, like, one little piece of paper with just, like…
Both: …“kiss”…
Sequoia: ...written on it. [both laugh] And like a dollar amount.
Kim: [breathily] Yeah. [both continue to laugh]
Sequoia: Oh no. Sketchy as hell.
Kim: “Ladies!” he greeted the two approaching Ravenclaws with a handsome smile. “Would you like to pay us for a kiss?” [light laughter] “I’d like to pay you to get bent,”...
Sequoia: Oh shit! Oh shit!
Kim: ...one of the girls snorted with a dirty look, not stopping. “Sorry, that’s not on offer today,” Sirius mumbled in disappointment. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s me. [laughs]
Kim: That one was you?
Sequoia: That one was me.
Kim: Was I the one next to you? No, I wasn’t ‘cause I would have been all over that shit.
Sequoia: Exactly. [both laugh]
Kim: James snorted from behind his hand. “Wasn’t expecting that reaction,”...
Sequoia: Oh God.
Kim: ...Sirius sighed once the girls were out of sight. “I would have sworn the sign would have hooked them in.”
Both: [Sequoia says squeakily and Kim says it temptingly] What’s the sign say?
Kim: He pointed to the sign displaying the words: SNOGFEST GALORE. [Sequoia laughs] “You don’t get it, Padfoot,” James shook his head. “Girls just don’t pay for kisses like in the films, all right? They’re far classier than that.”
Sequoia: [like an old timey person] Like in the films.
Kim: What film? [Sequoia laughs] What film?
Sequoia: The films.
Kim: [exasperated] What film?
Sequoia: Tweet at us. What film?
Kim: “I’d like to buy a kiss, please!”
Sequoia: Oh Jesus.
Kim: Sirius and James stared at each other, before looking in all directions for the voice. “Who said that?” James asked.
Sequoia: Portrait.
Kim: “Down here.”
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: The boys leaned over the kiss booth and discovered a small girl gazing up at them. “I’d like to buy a kiss, please!” Is that what children sound like? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: I think so. Probably. I don’t know. I’m related to some children.
Kim: Me too.
Sequoia: I think they sound like that.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Maybe? But also, what? [Kim laughs] More importantly, excuse me?
Kim: The girl repeated. Sirius narrowed his eyes at her; she looked awfully like a first year…
Sequoia: They’re so tiny.
Kim: Fucking first years. “What year are you, exactly?” he asked suspiciously. “Third,” the girl replied boldly.
Sequoia: I think she’s a first year.
Kim: “You better not be lying, now,” Sirius warned her. The small girl flashed an innocent smile. Sirius remained skeptical. “So, er, who you like, me or James here?” [Sequoia laughs] He slung his arm around James’s shoulder. “See, if I were in your… tiny, tiny little shoes, I would personally pick James here.” James frowned confusedly. “James here is marvelous at kissing.”
Sequoia: Oh God.
Kim: “I hate you,” James gritted [Sequoia laughs] though his teeth to his friend, realizing…
Sequoia: I also hate him. [both laugh]
Kim: He’s great.
Sequoia: You gotta put some age restrictions on your kissing booth. [Kim laughs]
Kim: You know, he just really didn’t think about it in advance. He thought…
Sequoia: Yeah, he thought “motorbike.”
Kim: [while laughing] Yeah, that’s all he was thinking. James gritted through his teeth to his friend, realizing Sirius was trying to pass her onto him. “I want…”
Sequoia: Oh my God. The anticipation!
Kim: That voice. I was like... It was like Mickey Mouse. [Sequoia laughs] The girl’s finger swirled around before finally settling on a boy. “You.” [trying to not laugh] It’s getting worse. The voice is getting worse.
Sequoia: Oh my God. Getting higher, yeah.
Kim: Okay I gotta dial it back. Sirius squeaked in fear. “Are you sure you don’t want James?” “I’m sure.” Apprehensively, Sirius loosened the collar of his shirt, while James snickered. “Well,” Sirius brought out the kiss prices he’d prepared in a booklet.
Sequoia: I wanna know what the levels are.
Kim: “You have a choice of a kiss on the cheek–”
Sequoia: Just, just stop listing pri... Stop listing.
Kim: Yeah, right?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: “I don’t want the cheek, I want mouth and tongue.”
Sequoia: OH MY GOD.
Kim: The girl demanded.
Sequoia: OH MY GOD. [laughs]
Kim: Get it. Get it, eleven year old.
Sequoia: [while laughing] What is happening?
Kim: She wants to touch her tongue to his tongue. [Sequoia laughs] I feel like it’s not that complicated, Sequoia.
Sequoia: All right. Okay.
Kim: “WHAT?” Sirius cried. James was cackling now. “You’re thirteen! Your tongue probably hasn’t fully grown yet!” [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Great excuse.
Kim: Solid.
Sequoia: Excellent excuse.
Kim: Solid. Yep. That’s good. “It’s a kiss on the cheek or nothing, missy.” The girl looked clearly unsatisfied but settled for his offer. “Fine, I’ll do it.” “Right.” Sirius took a deep breath. To be honest, he’d expected much better customers than this. “That’ll be a Galleon upfront, please.”
Sequoia: That’s… expensive.
Kim: That’s quite a bit.
Sequoia: That’s a real expensive…
Kim: Kiss on the cheek.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Really valuing himself highly there.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: Geez. “No way, I want my kiss first! You’re not conning me,” the girl said.
Sequoia: Oh, she knows.
Kim: Totally. “All right, all right!” Sirius said, defeated. “Let’s get this over with.” He leaned forward, turning his cheek ready for the girl to kiss as she stood on her tiptoes. “Think of the flying motorbike, think of the flying motorbike, think of… mmmppph!” [brief laugh] The girl had decided she deserved more than a peck on the cheek…
Sequoia: No. No. No. [Kim cackling]
Kim: ...and turned her head at the last second, kissing him on the mouth. [laughs]
Sequoia: [mutters, horrified] No. No.
Kim: James watched in mild amusement for a few moments, until long last pulling the girl off Sirius. “Thanks!” the girl giggled. She waved the boys goodbye, then ran off down the corridor.
Sequoia: She didn’t pay! [Kim laughs]
Kim: “I think my lip is bleeding,” [Sequoia laughs] Sirius mumbled painfully, staring after her. She bit him. [laughs]
Sequoia: First years, man. [both briefly laugh]
Kim: “Hey— HEY, WAIT! YOU DIDN’T PAY MY GALLEON! COME BACK!” [both laugh]
Sequoia: A great start to this…
Kim: Good, right?
Sequoia: ...soon to be thriving enterprise. [Kim laughs] Oh Jesus.
Kim: “Leave her be, Padfoot,” James sighed. “You made a little girl very happy today.” [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Very little. Very small. Tiny.
Kim: Very happy, though. [Sequoia laughs] “I think I’m going to be sick.”
Sequoia: Get it together.
Kim: Dash dash dash dash dash.
Sequoia: [silly voice] A passage of time.
Kim: Okay. [Sequoia laughs] Business had been slow for the past two hours they’d been sitting…
Sequoia: Oh my God. [Kim laughs] When do you give up?
Kim: Not after two hours.
Sequoia: Oh Jesus. He really wants that motorbike.
Kim: Duh. [Sequoia laughs] There’s no other way to get it, either.
Sequoia: No other way.
Kim: Can’t wait until after he’s seventeen and then get a job.
Sequoia: No gainful employment for him.
Kim: Needs it right now. [both laugh] Business had been slow for the past two hours they’d been sitting behind their makeshift kiss booth. The price of a kiss was now slashed down to ten sickles for a kiss from Sirius, five for James because Sirius felt like it.
Sequoia: [trying not to laugh] Sirius, you can’t be a dick to James about this. [Kim laughs] You just can’t.
Kim: Clearly, he can. [Sequoia laughs] He’s still sitting there.
Sequoia: Damn it, James.
Kim: Sirius had expected queues among queues of girls lining up eagerly to snog their faces off. He was thoroughly wrong. It seemed like paying for kisses just wasn’t popular these days.
Sequoia: Not like in the films.
Kim: Not like in the old… days? “Since the midget that had stolen a free kiss from Sirius, the only customer they had was Moaning Myrtle who gave Sirius tongue. [Sequoia muttering in disbelief while Kim laughs] I don’t think that’s possible. [sung] Ghost tongue in your face hole. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: I have nothing to say about that.
Kim: Thinking about ghost tongue. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: I really liked your song, was all I really wanted to say.
Kim: Al lright. All right, all right. You know, Myrtle needs a win every once in a while.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: She died.
Sequoia: Yeah, but does she have money?
Kim: Ghost money?
Sequoia: [trying to hold back her laughter] Oh my God. Just some ghost money and a stolen makeout from a tiny person. [Kim laughs] You give up. You have to give up.
Kim: Right? “Do you smell today or something, Prongs?” Sirius asked, scraping his tongue with a toothbrush. “Why do they keep coming to me?” James wasn’t complaining. “I can’t help it,” he shrugged.
Sequoia: Yeah, I guess intelligence... The... [Kim laughs]
Kim: The glasses thing…
Sequoia: The glasses thing was not working for Myrtle or the first year. [Kim laughs]
Kim: “I never imagined this being so degrading,” [Sequoia laughs and Kim joins in]
Sequoia: Oh, Sirius.
Kim: Giving out your love for money. [Sequoia laughs] Sirius pondered aloud, sadly. It seemed as though the kiss from Myrtle had crushed his spirit. He never thought he’d french a ghost. “I can’t believe we’ve only made three Galleons, James.”
Sequoia: [in disbelief] Myrtle paid three…
Kim: She’s desperate.
Sequoia: ...Galleons. [Kim laughs]
Kim: Also, how? Don’t worry about it. “It’s pathetic. Next person that comes down this corridor, you show them some cleavage, alright?” [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Sirius really knows how to get the ladies. [Kim quietly laughs]
Kim: Flash ‘em a little boob. [Sequoia laughs] Man boob. “Cleavage?” [Sequoia bursts out laughing and Kim joins]
Sequoia: I really never... I really imagined the first utterance of cleavage on this show being like a “Hermione went to America and got hot” story. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Nope. [Sequoia continues laughing]
Sequoia: But here we go.
Kim: [quieter] Sirius to James. [Sequoia continues laughing] Push ‘em boobs together. “I don’t know; lift a trouser leg or something. Anything!”
Sequoia: Sirius, you gotta pull your weight here too, dude.
Kim: Yeah, come on. James nodded. He would do this for Sirius. The flying motorbike meant a lot to him.
Sequoia: Aww, what a good friend. [Kim laughs] Lily Evans is gonna walk down the corridor.
Kim: Also, he probably knows that if he doesn’t do this, he’s never gonna... Sirius is never gonna let up about it.
Sequoia: Oh yeah, he’ll hear about it forever. Forever.
Kim: “Aha! I spot someone coming!” Sirius pointed to the distance.
Sequoia: [deep voice] To the distance. [both laugh] I’m sorry.
Kim: James and Sirius smiled invitingly at the potential customer until they realized… “Oh, it’s you, Moony,” Sirius sighed.
Sequoia: Oh man. Wait. [both laugh] Oh shit.
Kim: I was like... Kim leans in [both laugh] Remus’ mouth was open in amusement and bemusement.
Sequoia: Yes, me too.
Kim: Yep. Thinking what my Remus voice should be.
Sequoia: Oh no. The Marauders are just opening up a whole new set of…
Kim: Right? It’s… it’s complicated.
Sequoia: He’s, like…
Kim: ‘Cause I don’t do many dude voices...
Sequoia: Nerdy.
Kim: [confident] All right.
Sequoia: Oh no. Oh no. [Kim’s laughter in background]
Kim: [while laughing] This isn’t going to be good. [both laugh and catch their breath] Okay. [said in Kim’s attempt at a nerdy voice] “I can’t believe you...” [immediate laughter erupts from both of them] Too much?
Sequoia: [through laughter] Too much.
Kim: “I can’t believe you agreed to this, Prongs.” Remus shook his head disappointedly at him. He no longer had any respect for James. He lost any respect for Sirius long ago. “What can I say? I do my bit for humanity,” James said. [Sequoia laughs] “Moony,” Sirius started carefully, [light laughter] “I know this is wrong on so many levels to ask, but heck, I’m desperate. Do you want a kiss for a Galleon?”
Sequoia: Yes! Yes! Kiss for a Galleon!
Kim: Lots of tongue please. [Sequoia laughs] “I hope you’re fucking joking, Padfoot.” [both laugh] Remus looked at Sirius with repulsion. “Come on Moony, I need the money!” [both laugh]
Sequoia: [Kim’s laughter in background] Sirius. Dude. [through laughter] You gotta know when to pack your bags, man.
Kim: No, he needs it! Sirius grabbed Remus’ collar and pulled him forward, nose to nose. “KISS ME!” [Sequoia bursts out laughing] If only it went in a slightly different direction at this point.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: Then they did it on the floor and James was like “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” then he claps. [Sequoia laughs] Or whatever. I’m just spitballing here. [Sequoia laughs] Remus looked at James for help, but he, for some bizarre reason, had lifted up his trouser leg and was flashing him skin. [Sequoia laughs] James is doing his best.
Sequoia: He is! He did exactly as he was told.
Kim: Yeah! Yeah! “Like what you see, Moony?” James said with a wink. “I’m going to leave right now,” [Sequoia laughs] Remus said, turning around and walking away. “Moony! Oh come on Moony, you know we’re friends and we’re so confident about our friendship and our heterosexuality that we can kiss and not make a big deal out of it!”
Sequoia: No homo! [she continues laughing]
Kim: Bro! Bruh! Come on, bruh! “Moony! Moony, come back! Well, at least tell others we’re kissing for money, will you? Moony!” [both laughs] They’re lucky he didn’t shut them down.
Sequoia: Oh, absolutely.
Kim: When Remus finally turned a corner and disappeared, Sirius turned back to James. “Yeah, cut the leg-flashing now, mate.” “Sorry.” James dropped his trouser leg. “Was getting a bit into it.” [both laugh] Nothing is better than some hairy dude leg. [Sequoia laughs] Just… sitting out in the open.
Sequoia: Look at that… ankle.
Kim: All pale and hairy... and Quidditch muscles?
Sequoia: [high pitched] Quidditch muscles? [laughs]
Kim: I feel like anywhere Quidditch muscles would be, it’s not the calf.
Sequoia: It’s not.
Kim: It’s not the calf. “Out of curiosity, though, do you thinking he would’ve asked for a kiss from me or you?” “Oh, definitely you, Pad.” “Yeah, I thought so, too.” [Sequoia laughs] I thought so too.
Sequoia: I also thought that.
Kim: [whispered] Make out.
Sequoia: [whispered] Yeah, thinking about it now. [both laugh]
Kim: Dash dash dash dash dash.
Sequoia: [silly voice] Passage of time. [both laugh]
Kim: Great. Lily had been washing her hands in the bathroom when she spotted two classmates in the mirror bustle into the loo behind her, both giggling. “Lily!” one of them said excitedly. “You’ll never guess what.” “Wait,” Lily put up her hand. “If we’re going to be gossiping in the bathroom, may I remind you that it makes me very uncomfortable.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: What a wet blanket.
Kim: Right? She’s such a stick in the whatever. [Sequoia laughs] “It’s about James Potter!” one of them sung. Lily contemplated her answer for a moment. “All right, spill,” she gave in, coming closer to listen. “Kate and I just saw James and Sirius Black with a kiss booth,” [Sequoia faintly laughing] the dark-haired girl said. Lily’s eyes burst out of her head. [Sequoia bursts out laughing]
Sequoia: [through laughter] Does it really say that?
Kim: Yes. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh man. A kiss booth?!
Both: Ba-bazoink?! [both laugh]
Kim: Or whatever.
Sequoia: [laughs] Or whichever.
Kim: “You’ve got to be kissing–I mean, kidding me!”
Sequoia: Oh ho ho.
Kim: “What floor are they on?” “Ooo, Lily wants to get in on the action!” “I do not!” the redhead yelled at once, turning red in the cheeks. “I’m a prefect.”
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: “It’s my responsibility to shut repulsive things like that down for the sake of Hogwarts. What floor are they on?” Lily hissed again, ferociously. “Fifth,” they squeaked, cowering at her. “Thanks.” Lily rolled up her sleeves and marched out of the toilet.
Sequoia: She. Sucks. [laughs]
Kim: Lily. At least she’s picking her nose... Maybe that’s why she’s washing her hands.
Both: She finished her nose picking.
Kim: She had to wash her hands.
Sequoia: When you finally finish your nose picking… [Kim laughs]
Kim: “I’m bored,” James complained, resting his chin on the palm of his hand. I’m doing that right now. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Audio. Medium.
Kim: Really not getting that today for some reason. [both laugh] “Can I go now? The grand total of two customers has proved that you are the preferred choice to kiss.” “You’re not leaving, I need you for emotional support,” [Sequoia laughs] Sirius replied. He noticed three girls making their way down the corridor and elbowed James keenly in the stomach. “Things are looking up. Customers! And good looking ones too!” He started smoothing down his hair. James looked up from the floor and spotted the girls, three Gryffindors, rather attractive looking. “Hello there,” Sirius greeted with a flirtatious smile. “Galleon for a kiss?” [both make suggestive noises] “Make it two,” the girl in front replied, resting her elbows on the kiss booth. “Ooorer.”
Sequoia: [high pitched] Oh my God.
Kim: That’s a noise, right?
Sequoia: Yeah. [she tries to replicate the noise but exaggerates it]
Kim: That’s... It’s vaguely what’s written here actually. [Sequoia laughs] Spelled o-o-o-r-e-r.
Both: [try to pronounce it the way it’s spelled and laugh at each other]
Kim: Right? Sirius commented in delight. “You’re my kind of customer! So, who do you want? Me, kissing extraordinaire,” he bragged, “or my pal James here.”
Sequoia: James.
Kim: James. You know, the other one.
Both: [mumble agreement and laugh]
Kim: He pointed briefly to James. “I think I’ll have… the one with the glasses.”
Sequoia: The glasses. They’re working their magic.
Kim: Sirius and James’ mouths hit the floor. “JAMES?” Sirius yelled.
Sequoia: [mocking] Hu-what?!
Kim: “James?” James Potter also yelled in surprise. [Sequoia laughs] “Yep.” The girl dropped her Galleon on the table and motioned James to draw closer. “Come on, then.” “Actually,” he started shrilly, [Sequoia laughs] “I don’t think I can do this… mrrrrfphhh.” [Sequoia laughs harder] Let me try that again. [repeats the same noise she did] Which one was better?
Sequoia: The second one.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: That’s exactly what making out sounds like. [Kim laughs]
Kim: The girl grabbed him by the collar and pressed her lips to his. At first, James was startled, but it wasn’t long before he got lost in the kiss, letting off various mental ooooo’s and aaaaah’s and hmmm this isn’t too bad’s. [Sequoia laughs] He crashed back to reality as the girl pulled away from him at last. “Enjoy?” the girl asked. A blush crept up James’ neck. “Well– w-wow, really, that was quite...” [Sequoia laughs] Keep it together, buddy.
Sequoia: Breathe in, breathe out, dude.
Kim: His sight hovered over the girl’s shoulder and he spotted a familiar hairline…
Sequoia: Oh shit.
Kim: “Lily?”
Sequoia: Oh shit, she saw.
Kim: Her face was white as she stared open mouthed at James, then at the girl who had kissed him. James tried to search for a sign of understanding in Lily’s face, but her look of hurt showed she couldn’t even begin to comprehend what he’d done. She turned on her heel and ran. “Lily!” James climbed over the table of the kiss booth and crashed to the floor.
Sequoia: Oh Jesus. Dude. [both laugh]
Kim: Just knocking shit over. Not that there was much shit to knock over.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Table. A sign. Like, a piece of cardboard with crayon on it, I assume. Where did you even get cardboard and crayon, Sirius? [both laugh]
Sequoia: He was disowned! [Kim laughs]
Kim: Stumbling to his feet, he ran down the corridor after her. “LILY!” “Oh dear,” Sirius commented to the girls, “Well, the show must go on. Next!” He slapped the table, expecting a kiss from the other two. “SIRIUS BLACK!”
Sequoia: Ohh shit.
Kim: “Uh oh.” He spun around and met Professor McGonagall with her hands on her hips, furious. “Professor! How are you?” [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: [mimicking Kim’s voice] How’s it going? Wanna kiss?
Kim: “What is the meaning of this?” She picked up the sign and read aloud, “Snogfest galore?” [both laugh] That’s a great mental image.
Sequoia: Yep, that’s good. That’s good.
Kim: I like that. “It’s for charity?”
Sequoia: [high pitched] Oh God.
Kim: “My office, now.” “Yes, professor.” [laughs]
Sequoia: I like how James got out of that.
Kim: Yeah. By sprinting off down the corridor.
Sequoia: After Lily, who gets mad at him all the time and now is mad because... girl, please.
Kim: Girl, please.
Sequoia: Please.
Kim: Dash dash dash dash dash.
Sequoia: [silly voice] A passage of time. [both laugh]
Kim: That’s fun. That’s fine. Good. That’s…
Sequoia: Gets worse as we keep going.
Kim: It’s great. “Lily!” James chased her down the corridor. “Lily, will you hold up?” he yelled. She finally stopped and whipped round. James drew in a small gasp. “I don’t get it,” he said quietly, studying her face. “Why are you crying?” Lily looked down at her feet as she answered truthfully, “I don’t know.” Girl.
Sequoia: [drawn out] Girl. Don’t even with me right now, girl.
Kim: Right? [Sequoia laughs] Just fucking say it. Just make a baby [Sequoia laughs] who will save the world or whatever. Or whatever. No pressure. [quietly snorts]
Sequoia: Damn it. Okay. All right, all right.
Kim: Stepping forward, James mustered up the courage to wipe away the tears on her cheeks with his thumb at a risk of her pushing him away. But she didn’t. “Did you like it?” “What?” James whispered in response. “Did you like it?” she asked again, avoiding his eyes. “That kiss with that beautiful girl?” James knew his answer was important. He couldn’t screw it up.
Sequoia: Oh fuck.
Kim: “Maybe,”
Sequoia: Ah fuck.
Kim: He shrugged lamely. “It was kind of nice.” “You idiot,” she hissed. “What?” James barked. “Why are you even upset? I’m the one who likes you, remember?”
Sequoia: [mimicking Kim’s tone] Yeah, dummy.
Kim: It looked like Lily was about to say something but she held back, biting her lip. “Prove me wrong,” James said suddenly. “Prove me wrong, that the kiss back there isn’t the best kiss I’ll ever experience—”
Sequoia: Oh shit. [Kim laughs]
Kim: Fucking it up, dude. [Sequoia groans] She slapped him hard across the face so much that his head turned completely to one side. James felt his cheek burn. “I don’t have to prove anything to you, you insensitive prick.” She sprinted down the corridor, while James clutched his cheek and thought, “idiot.”
Sequoia: Yeah, so those were like not the right words at any point.
Kim: No, none of it was correct.
Sequoia: No, none of those were good words.
Kim: James.
Sequoia: But also like, girl. [Kim snorts]
Kim: Oh yeah.
Sequoia. Girl, no. Don’t even with me right now. [Kim laughs]
Kim: dash dash dash dash dash
Sequoia: [silly voice, said quickly] A passage of time. [immediately laughs]
Kim: No, you have to stop. [through laughter] It’s getting upsetting. Lily sat in the Gryffindor common room with her head in her hands. The incident with James had happened at least six hours ago and she had not thought nothing but him. She’d tried studying to keep her mind off things, but it was no use, and she slammed her Transfiguration book shut and shoved it off the table in frustration. “Lily?” She looked up and spotted Peter Pettigrew standing shyly in front of her. Kindly, he put her Transfiguration book back on the table and she thanked him in embarrassment.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Is he gonna do something good and not shitty?
Kim: I think he’s just gonna be here.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: “What is it?” she asked concernedly. Peter rarely spoke to her. It must have been important. “Have you seen James? None of us can find him and it’s almost curfew. Sirius said he hasn’t seen him since he, um, chased after you.” “Don’t worry, Peter.” She got up from her seat. “I’ll go get him.” I can’t remember what my Lily voice is and I keep fucking it up.
Sequoia: Yeah, um, [mimics Kim’s Lily voice] it’s this.
Kim: Oh right. Okay. “Don’t worry, Peter,” [Sequoia laughs] She got up from her seat. “I’ll go get him.” That better?”
Sequoia: Yeah, that was better.
Kim: dash dash dash dash dash. So he was just there. That’s it.
Sequoia: Okay. That’s fine, I guess.
Kim: I mean, he didn’t do anything bad, though.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: He was there.
Sequoia: He was present.
Kim: Which you can say was more than most Marauders era stories?
Sequoia: That’s so true.
Kim: Usually they just ignore his existence.
Both: That he was ever there, yeah. [laughter]
Kim: Good. Did I say “dash dash dash”?
Sequoia: You did.
Kim: Because dash dash dash.
Sequoia: Heuh! [laughs]
Kim: “What are you doing?” Lily had been right about her inkling of where James was. He hadn’t moved from the same corridor they had argued in, his head was still turned to the right from when she had slapped him earlier.
Sequoia: Dude.
Kim: Been standing there for six hours.
Sequoia: Get. It. Together.
Kim: Cannot. Cannot. Never can.
Sequoia: [sighs] Fine. Fucking fine.
Kim: Fucking fine? [both briefly laugh] “Have you just been standing here the whole time?” Lily sputtered. “Pretty much,” he muttered shamefully.
Sequoia: Is this supposed to be endearing?
Kim: I don’t know.
Sequoia: Because it’s like, not.
Kim: It’s sad. It’s sad on both sides, though.
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s true. They both suck.
Kim: They’re both sad sacks. [both briefly laugh] “I’m sorry for slapping you; I was out of line.” “Nah, pretty much deserved it. I’m sorry,” he said. I don’t know that he did deserve it.
Sequoia: Uhhh…
Kim: He was being a little bit of a dick.
Sequoia: He was being a little bit of a dick. But she…
Kim: But he’s always kind of a little dick.
Sequoia: Yeah, and she was being all over the place crazy.
Kim: Yeah, true. Just straight up…
Sequoia: Just crazy.
Kim: Crazy. Lily didn’t understand why he was apologizing. He’d only kissed a girl. She wasn’t supposed to be angry; she was supposed to feel nothing.
Sequoia: Oh my gosh. She needs to…
Kim: Just shove those emotions down. [Sequoia makes a noise] Clamp down. [Sequoia makes another noise] And then… and then, go yell at some first years?
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, they deserve it.
Kim: Oh, for sure.
Sequoia: Yeah, for sure.
Kim: “I don’t think I can prove you wrong,” she said finally. “That kiss you had earlier from that beautiful girl… I’m not sure if I could do it better. Merlin, you’ll probably marry her one day.” She smiled painfully at him.
Sequoia: Yo, girl. Calm. Your. Shit.
Kim: Can’t. [Sequoia laughs] [Kim sings] Can’t keep it together. [quietly] Stupid. “Guys like you marry girls like her.”
Sequoia: [bewildered] What does that mean?
Kim: “What do you mean by that?” James inquired sadly.
Sequoia: Thank you, James! [both laugh]
Kim: “Pureblood marries a Pureblood, right?”
Sequoia: [high pitched voice] Oh nooo. Oh no, no, I’m sad.
Kim: Yeah, right?
Sequoia: [same voice as before] Oh, I take it all back.
Kim: Did it suddenly get real?
Sequoia: [same voice as before] Yes. Now I’m sad.
Kim: Nice. James couldn’t believe his ears. “I can’t believe you would ever say something like that.” “I can’t believe I would ever be jealous of you kissing another girl,” Lily said, and James sighed and cupped her face his hands. “I’d rather marry Slughorn than that girl,” James joked, then added seriously, “I’d rather marry you.” Is it getting nice?
Sequoia: Yeah, sort of, but that’s a little intense.
Kim: Yeah, that’s a little much. [Sequoia laughs] You guys are like fucking sixteen.
Sequoia: Yeah, let’s draw it back a little. Everyone’s crazy.
Kim: They’ve got, like, five years to make the baby that saves the world, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly.
Kim: They gotta get on it. [both laugh] He stroked her face. “It’s always been you. You’re the only girl I’ve ever wanted to be with, and you always will be. [someone snorts] Just laying it on a little thick there.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.
Kim: Jesus, dude. Lily just looked up at him with her twinkling green eyes, until she said breathlessly, “Kiss me.” [both burst out laughing] I wish I had been looking at you when I said that. [Sequoia continues to laugh] Would you have started crying if I said that while looking at you? [Sequoia mumbles incoherently through her laughter] Wait, you’re already crying. [both continue to laugh]
Sequoia: That was great, that was great.
Kim: That was good, that was good? Well acted?
Sequoia: Well acted.
Both: [make sounds that mimic fancy, high brow theater people]
Kim: James kissed her in the dark. The second his lips touched hers, James had to hold onto the nearest bit of wall for support.
Sequoia: Oh shit. [laughs] An earthquake. [Kim laughs]
Kim: His kiss with Lily blew the kiss with the paying customer entirely out of the water. From that day onward, he would kiss her every day. He’d kiss her every hour. Hell, he’d kiss her every minute. No?
Sequoia: Uhhh… [laughs]
Kim: Don’t?
Sequoia: Don’t do that.
Kim: Don’t do that. Maybe don’t? He didn’t want the kiss to end, but it did. As he’d told Sirius, he did need his breaks. [Sequoia makes a noise and Kim laughs] Ten seconds.
Sequoia: Yeah, [while laughing] ten seconds.
Kim: On the clock. They remained wrapped up in each other’s arms. “Wow. Just… wow.” [laughs]
Sequoia: Get. It. [whispers] Together.
Kim: No, it’s over. It’s all over for them. [Sequoia laughs] They’re never gonna get it together again.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: James needed a moment to get his breath back; for his mind to wrap around what just happened. “That was amazing, Lily. You definitely proved me wrong.” I don’t know if that’s…
Sequoia: I don’t think that’s the…
Kim: Whatever…
Sequoia: That’s… okay.
Kim: Whatever. [both laugh] Lily blushed hard. “Yeah?” she replied coyly. [Sequoia makes a semi-disgusted noise] “Yeah.” “So, where’s my Galleon?”
Sequoia: Oh-ho ho ho! [multiple “ho”s are said by Sequoia and Kim as they laugh]
Kim: Here it is! Here’s the joke!
Sequoia: [while laughing] We’re back. Back with the jokes.
Kim: “Don’t push your luck, mister.”
Sequoia: [quietly] Oh God.
Kim: Theeee end. [Sequoia sighs] What do you think?
Sequoia: That was wonderful.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: That was such a great experience. My face hurts.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah. From all the laughing.
Kim: You know what’ll help? [pause] If we set up a kiss booth. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my gosh. Okay, yeah. That was great.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: That was funny…
Kim: Was that a good first Marauders story?
Sequoia: It really was.
Kim: I really like this story. It’s funny, I thought the characterization was good, it gets a little iffy there at the end?
Sequoia: Yeah, um…
Kim: The situation’s also absolutely ridiculous.
Sequoia: It is ridic... that was insane. I loved it. It was crazy.
Kim: So classic fanfiction.
Sequoia: Exactly. This is…
Kim: We have to set up this contrived scenario…
Sequoia: Right. That’s the thing about fanfiction. People can’t just talk to each other. [laughs]
Kim: No no no. There has to be a kiss booth.
Sequoia: [deep] A kiss booth. Yeah. I loved that.
Kim: It was pretty rom-com-y though, right?
Sequoia: It was very rom-com-y and you know me. You know me and rom-coms. You know me.
Kim: I do know you. I thought the humor/romance tag was actually… You know what I’d kinda noticed? Romance/humor tends to not make any sense, why that tag’s applied, but...
Both: Humor/romance…
Kim: Are often like romantic comedies.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Which is fucking weird.
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s weird. And strange.
Kim: I don’t get it.
Sequoia: That’s a strange thing. But yeah, I see where you’re coming from with that one. It was funny.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: It was very funny. I think that actually, just, like, read... Without you reading it… It was funnier when you read it because the [laughs] damn voices [Kim tries not to laugh] were killing me. Dudebro Sirius...
Kim: It’s good, right?
Sequoia: ...is my new favorite fucking thing.
Kim: That our new canon?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Sirius is a bruh.
Sequoia: He’s a bruh. So that was really fun.
Kim: Thanks. Zero points.
Sequoia: Zero points. Zero.
Kim: Not even, like, a carnival, nope.
Sequoia: Yeah, but, like [pause] I need to find that… Someone needs to write that. I need to write that.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ‘Cause I predicted a wonderful story.
Kim: That does sound like a wonderful story.
Sequoia: But what you gave me was a wonderful story.
Kim: And yeah. But that does sound great. Actually, it reminds me, I read a story where Dumbledore forces Draco to dress up as Santa and give out gifts to everyone.
Sequoia: [sings] Oh my God.
Kim: That’s what your prediction reminded me of.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: I don’t think I’m gonna drop a link to that. I don’t even think I saved that.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Sorry.
Sequoia: That was great.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: I loved it. Thank you for that. [laughter from both]
Kim: I love Marauders era stuff.
Sequoia: It’s been so hard to find something that’s suitable for the podcast from the Marauders era and I’m really glad that we did. Especially ‘cause that is such an interesting corner of fanfiction because you just don’t have that much information.
Kim: Yeah, that’s true. There’s a lot less canon stuff to work off of, which leaves it a lot more open, I think. Which is why I liked it so much when I was a kid
Sequoia: Right, yeah.
Kim: But I’ve read some fun stuff on occasion. I think my rec’s gonna be…
Sequoia: Oh yeah, what’s your rec? Give us that rec.
Kim: So, this one’s a pure humor tag, it’s called “What Does the J Stand For?” in Remus J. Lupin.
Sequoia: Ohh. Did you…
Kim: It’s just some really good… I don’t think there’s any like, romance in it at all.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: It’s just like some nice slice-of-life Marauders hanging out.
Sequoia: Sweet.
Kim: Which is what I’m all about.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: So, yeah, that’s my rec...
Sequoia: Awesome.
Kim: For today. Hope you guys enjoy it.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. It’s the end of the…
Kim: No, it’s not the end ‘cause we’ve got stuff to say.
Sequoia: We’ve got stuff to say.
Kim: Here we go, here we go. [softer] Here we go. We can do this.
Sequoia: Tweet your predictions at us.
Kim: Or other things!
Sequoia: So… or other things. Hey! You know what? [Kim laughs] Tweet at us if you want me to stop [through laughter] telling you to tweet everything at us. Um, no don’t do that, ‘cause I’m still gonna do that forever.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: You can tweet at us or Instagram or Facebook or whatever at us. @FanaticalFics.
Kim: If you have something a little longer that you’d want to discuss with us, maybe you wrote a fanfiction? [Sequoia makes a noise of agreement] You wanna talk to us about that? Shoot us an email. fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: We have a place where you can support our weird stuff. And we give you extra weird stuff at patreon.com. The link to that will be in the description.
Kim: If you don’t want to provide us with monetary support, another way that you can support the podcast is to leave us a review on iTunes. Those are super helpful.
Sequoia: Yes, please.
Kim: It helps us find new listeners. Also, we just love the feedback. Let us know what you like, what you don’t like, we want to hear it.
Sequoia: Yep. If you have any ideas for things we could be doing or should be doing or whatever…
Kim: Send them to us!
Sequoia: Send them to us via any of those things that we just said. [both laugh] We wanna talk to you, all the time. All the time.
Kim: Yeah, we wanna hear from you. We like you. Do you like us?
Sequoia: We like you.
Kim: We’re keeping it together. No, we’re not.
Sequoia: Keeping it... [weird voice] Do you like me?
Kim: I’m feeling things.
Sequoia: Oh God. I wasn’t supposed to feel [Kim laughs] any emotions ever. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Oh, and if you’ve read any stories that you wanna share with us… Maybe we’ll read them on the podcast, maybe not. We have a submission form. That link will also be in the description.
Sequoia: Yep. Send us some of your stuff.
Kim: [sings] Send us whatever.
Sequoia: [sings] Whatever. Or whichever.
Kim: [sings] We love… [not singing] fanfiction.
Sequoia: And of course, for our theme song, thank you to the Whomping Willows. It’s their amazing song “Wolfstar.”
Kim: Bye. [both laugh]