Episode 10: And Now for Something Completely Different
In this episode Kim delves into a very common trope and we get some of the best characterization we’ve seen so far. We loved this story, and we hope you do too. #badplans
Recommendation: After Dinner Discussions
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3630769/1/After-Dinner-Discussions
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Abbey
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
[both laugh]
Kim: I have to do it every time, so that we know that I'm ready. [Sequoia laughs] That's how you'll tell if I've been replaced by someone else. If someone else has, like, Polyjuice potioned themselves and is trying to record a podcast with you…
Sequoia: Is…
Kim: If they don't… if they don't immediately start with that…
Sequoia: Right. ‘Cause nobody knows, because it's never been in an episode, so nobody actually knows…
Kim: What I say for prep.
Sequoia: …what you say when we turn on the mics.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: Your favorite Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: Your favorite.
Kim: I… I like how that's our tagline that I've come up with. [Sequoia laughs] It’s really imposing a lot on the listeners. [both laugh]
Sequoia: It is. It is. But you know what?
Kim: Especially because we realized we're not the only Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: Yeah, if you want to go check out a different one that is actually very different from this, I'll put a link somewhere.
Kim: Yeah, we can plug ‘em.
Sequoia: Yeah. Link to the…
Kim: Other one.
Sequoia: Like, you know. Yeah, solidarity man.
Kim: Solidarity in podcasts. So this is episode ten.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Hi. [both laugh] This is… this is a… this is a me episode. So I'm going to be reading today. But Sequoia has a little announcement. Do you want to do this now or at the end?
Sequoia: We'll just go ahead and do this now. This is a good time.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: If you listen to this podcast and you're gonna be at PodCon, I'm gonna be at PodCon, which is very exciting. So come say hello. PodCon is a podcast convention for people who do podcasts, people who listen to podcasts, just like general podcastdom. Fandom. And it's being run by Hank Green and the McElroy brothers, so there's going to be some really cool stuff happening. A lot of like live shows and stuff. So I'm really really excited to go and you know, maybe attend…
Kim: I’m kind of jealous. That sounds really fun.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, I’m excited.
Kim: Stupid life. Everything.
Sequoia: School.
Kim: Bah.
Sequoia: People who are still in school lololololol.
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: Anyway, yeah, that's really exciting. So if you're gonna be there, say hello!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: In that voice. Hellooo!
Kim: That’s the voice for this pod.
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s…
Kim: I mean for this con.
Sequoia: That's how I'll know.
Kim: Last time it was something else.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [laughing] I don’t remember what it was.
Sequoia: I don't remember either.
Kim: Something stupid.
Sequoia: We just spew garbage and then, like, forget what we've said immediately.
Kim: Oh, yeah. No, when we go back and listen to the edits of the episodes, I'm like, whaaat?
Sequoia: Yeah, like, wait a second.
Kim: I said what?
Sequoia: Why would I say that?
Kim: No wait, that sounds exactly like me but I don't remember saying that.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. Cool.
Kim: Anyway.
Sequoia: Do you wanna… do you want to read me some stuff?
Kim: Yeah, I got… I got… I have a really… I… the story I picked for you today, I love this story. It's… it's really good. This is actually… I wasn't sure if I wanted to rec this story or read it to you. I decided to read it because I don't think any of you listeners are actually reading our recs.
Sequoia: Yeah, I'm looking at you.
Kim: So I need this to be shared with everyone, so I'm going to read it to you. But you… that said, you should read our recs. They're amazing. Except for Sequoia’s.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Just kidding.
Sequoia: Mine are great.
Kim: All right. So this story. This is one of those Archive Of Our Own stories, so it doesn't have genre tags like the fanfiction.net ones do, so I'm gonna make some up for you.
Sequoia: Rad.
Kim: It's called And Now for Something Completely Different.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: And the genre tags are romance and humor.
Sequoia: Okay. Oh, yeah, this sounds alternate universey. [Kim laughs] Cool. I'm going to guess that in this story, they… every episode I have that re-realization of how bad at this I am. [laughs]
Kim: That you have no fucking idea what’s about to happen? Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: Also, like, with a title like that it could literally be…
Kim: No indication…
Sequoia: …anything.
Kim: …about what's coming. Yeah, no, I… I…
Sequoia: [singing] Imma make some shit up!
Kim: I’d forgotten what the title was, and yeah, it really… I'm gonna tell you right now, doesn't have anything to do with the story.
Sequoia: Great. So…
Kim: Oh, I'll tell you that this features a really common trope. A fanfiction trope that's super common.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I don’t think that’s helpful but, you know, there’s that.
Sequoia: All right, I'm gonna guess that two characters have to kiss under mistletoe.
Kim: [laughs] Great.
Sequoia: That's a… that's a trope.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I'm going to guess that it takes place during their seventh year at Hogwarts.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Meaning it's trio era.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And I'm going to guess thaaat… I'm gonna guess that the main character is Luna.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: I say that all the time.
Kim: I know. This was…
Sequoia: I just want some shit about Luna!
Kim: I'm gonna tell you right now… I'm gonna tell you right now, this story was written in 2002.
Sequoia: Fuck!
Kim: So, you know.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: There’s that.
Sequoia: I'm right all the time about everything.
Kim: Also, I guess we forgot to say this earlier, but you know, listeners, make your predictions.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. Tell us how you did!
Kim: I guess… I guess you all already know that one of Sequoia’s was wrong, so… [both laugh] At least one. But yeah, go ahead and make your predictions. Let us know how you do. We love hearing about it.
Sequoia: Yeah, I had a friend of the podcast tell me last night that she has zero points. [Kim laughs] Which made me feel…
Kim: You feel better?
Sequoia: …a lot better
Kim: Because… especially because the listeners get pointportunities…
Sequoia: Oh, god! [laughs]
Kim: …on both of our episodes.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: I'm not sorry. All right.
Sequoia: I'm ready for this.
Kim: All right, it just jumps right into it. I'm so excited for you to be sad. [Sequoia laughs] When Harry Potter woke up a girl, he promptly went back to bed.
Sequoia: Wait, what?
Kim: Yessss.
Sequoia: Okay. I… it says “a girl.” So that makes me think that this is like telling us about Harry Potter's… like, I'm ready for Harry Potter's player lifestyle. [Kim laughs] You know, Harry Potter. Classic. He wakes up a girl and he's like, leave, and then he goes back to sleep. Harry Potter the player.
Kim: Oh! Woke up someone other than him, who is a girl.
Sequoia: Oh, he woke up AS a girl! [Kim laughs] I was very confused about that sentence! Okay, he woke up as a girl!
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Let's go!
Kim: Oh my god. This is a trope. This is the trope. You know, Harry turns into a girl.
Sequoia: Is he gonna make out with Draco?
Kim: These stories are such a fucking mixed bag, and this one's amazing. “You’re a girl!” Ron said, and Harry said that, yes, he was quite aware of that, and they slept in for two more hours because it was Saturday and last night had been Quidditch practice. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I don't think I'd be able to go back to sleep if I woke up and…
Kim: You know, it’s Hogwarts, sometimes weird shit happens.
Sequoia: Yeah, maybe if you go back to sleep you'll wake up as a boy again.
Kim: Yeah, maybe then whatever spell it is’ll wear off.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's fine.
Kim: Last night had been Quidditch practice until some truly obscene time of which he wasn't really sure. “You're still a girl, Harry,” Ron said when they had woken up again and were brushing their teeth. Harry looked into the mirror, squinted, and then fished his glasses out from under his pajamas. “Better head over to see Madam Pomfrey before lunch,” Harry said and shrugged. [laughs]
Sequoia: This can all be sorted out.
Kim: It's probably fine.
Sequoia: It's magic, magic, magic.
Kim: Probably gonna be fine. Hermione met them in the hall with grave words about McGonagall’s rumored Monday morning exam, and dropped half her books when she brought herself to look up from them. “Harry, you’re…” “We know,” Ron said. Come on.
Sequoia: God, Hermione, we know!
Kim: Like obviously, Hermione, come on.
Sequoia: Captain Obvious.
Kim: Come on. “I think I've read about this before, in…” “Of course you have.”
Sequoia: [laughs] Classic Hermione.
Kim: [laughing] Hermione and Ron! Hermione continued, undaunted. “1732, I believe. Alfred the Not So Lonely.” “Not So Lonely?” “Well, he mainly kept to himself. His investigations into the translucent transfiguration were revolutionary. But then he had that second head.”
Sequoia: Wait, what?
Kim: You know, just…
Sequoia: What is…
Kim: …some history.
Sequoia: Yeah, what does that have to do with the… Harry…
Kim: Just some history.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Ron perked up. “Did both of the heads turn into girls, or just one?” She frowned. “You know, I don't remember.” “I'm shocked at you, Hermione, utterly shocked.” “Hello, girl here. [Sequoia laughs] Can we get a move on?” Harry said hands on his hips, which were very pretty actually. Slender, but soft and rounded.
Sequoia: [squeaking] Mmmmmm! Yeah.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah? [laughs]
Sequoia: Why couldn't Harry have woken up as an ugly girl?
Kim: ‘Cause…
Sequoia: ‘Cause he's the chosen one. [both laugh]
Kim: You know, I think it's… I think it's canon that Harry's not bad looking.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's canon.
Kim: You know, he looks decent enough, so he’d probably be an okay looking girl too.
Sequoia: I want to know what his hair looks like, because that's like the defining feature of Harry Potter, is that his hair sticks out all over the place.
Kim: I don’t know that they talk about that. You can imagine whatever you want until I tell you otherwise.
Sequoia: Yes! I already am.
Kim: “Right, sorry,” Ron said, and they marched quickly down the walkway with Harry taking the lead, hair swishing back and forth over his shoulders. So…
Sequoia: So he's got long hair.
Kim: Yeah. “Three to four months,” Madam Pomfrey proclaimed, turning decisively towards the first year with green and orange polka dotted arms.
Sequoia: Oh, I thought she was going to be talking to Harry.
Kim: “Three to four months?” Ron said, aghast. “But he's a girl!”
Sequoia: Oh, she is talking to Harry.
Kim: Ah, some misdirection there.
Sequoia: Okay, classic misdirection. Three to four months. Why?
Kim: “I'm well aware of that fact, Mr. Weasley,” she called back over her shoulder, and the first year’s spots faded into a much more manageable tan. Hermione tossed a curtain of her hair over her right shoulder and sighed. “It's a transfiguration. You don't do anything about them. They simply wear off.”
Sequoia: Ahhhhh?
Kim: Harry’s been transfigured into a girl by someone or something.
Sequoia: Ahhh? Also, like…
Kim: Or whatever.
Sequoia: Ahhhh?
Kim: Yeah. Look, Ron…
Sequoia: That’s… I'm not entirely sure that's how transfiguration works. But…
Kim: They ah… it’s, you know, yeah. I don't think it is.
Sequoia: Yeah, no.
Kim: You can… you can usually spell things back, right?
Sequoia: Usually, but…
Kim: Maybe you can't in this case. [laughs] This spell has an anti-reversal property.
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Kim: Like, sometimes I feel like it's, like, kind of inconsistent. Sometimes you can reverse spells just by like being like, finite incantat.. tatem. Or whatever. [Sequoia laughs] And they just like, poof, end. And sometimes it's like, you have to like do a lot of complicated spell work to reverse the effects. I don't know.
Sequoia: I wonder if the person who cast the spell on Harry…
Kim: Did it on purpose?
Sequoia: …like, understood…
Kim: What they were doing?
Sequoia: …that Harry was going to be a girl for…
Kim: I don’t know.
Sequoia: Like, for months.
Kim: I don’t remember. It’s been a while since I read the story, you know. “Harry,” Ron appealed, hands spread wide and panicked in the air.
Sequoia: [laughs] That's what I always look like.
Kim: Harry…
Sequoia: [still laughing] That’s what Ron always looks like.
Kim: Harry, who had a very pretty nose and even prettier dark eyelashes, was picking at the end of his robes. He looked up and blinked. “I'll need a dress.”
Sequoia: Ahhh, also don’t they just all wear robes?
Kim: For wearing under the dress.
Sequoia: Under the robes?
Kim: Under the robes, yeah. A dress for wearing under the robes.
Sequoia: A dress for wearing under the dress.
Kim: Was this before the movies came out? Because I feel like before the movies came out it wasn't super consistent. Like, what they wore.
Sequoia: It seemed like everybody was wearing a dress.
Kim: Just like a bunch of… yeah, like robes.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: As a dress.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah yeah.
Kim: Yeah, I don't know.
Sequoia: But I mean, whatever. That’s beside the point.
Kim: The illustrations in the books is like them wearing, like, jeans under the robes, it always looks like to me.
Sequoia: Yeah. Also, Harry…
Kim: I don’t know, it was really inconsistent.
Sequoia: …why can't you just wear pants? Listen, girls don’t…
Kim: Because he wants to be… he's a pretty girl. He wants to be a pretty girl wearing a pretty dress. He wants to fit in.
Sequoia: Fitting in is overrated. Just be a weird nerd.
Kim: [laughs] Harry thinks he'll look nice in a dress. He wants to show off his legs.
Sequoia: Fine.
Kim: Harry… oh, there’s like a star for a time passage.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Harry purchased three dresses, a pair of stockings, and a package of women's undergarments, size small, although he never wore them. And he kept using the same cologne he'd been given by Sirius on his last birthday, despite the fact that it smelled distinctly like aftershave. “And you don't even shave yet,” Hermione said. [both laugh] So kind of a mixed bag there.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Wearing dresses, but…
Sequoia: He bought women's undergarments but doesn't wear them.
Kim: Doesn’t bother to wear them. So he’s wearing like boxers under his dresses. I bet he's so pretty. [both laugh] He did however, allow Parvati to tap her wand against his eyebrows a few times and declare them fixed.
Sequoia: Oh, he's got those shapely eyebrows now.
Kim: Mmm. Do you think do you think they were like the… like the super thin ones? That was the style. Was that the style back in the 90s?
Sequoia: Oh, wait, did you say this was 2000?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: They are thiiin, a hundred percent.
Kim: [laughs] “They weren't broken,” he’d tried. But Parvati had been a sixteen year old girl much longer than he had, and considered herself very much the expert on the subject. “They're not now,” she replied, and that had been that, and Hermione liked them anyway and quieted down a bit about how he should and should not smell. [girly voice] Harry, if you're gonna be a girl…
Sequoia: Listen…
Kim: …gotta do it right.
Sequoia: …ladies have got to stop trying to dictate what Harry can and cannot wear…
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: …what he should smell like…
Kim: Way to enforce the whatever. Whomever. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Yep. “Don't you think he looks very nice?” Hermione said, nudging Ron. “No,” Ron replied, and scowled. [Sequoia laughs] “I do not think Harry looks very nice. I think Harry looks like a girl. And why do you keep saying him? It's not exactly fooling anybody.” Hermione rolled her eyes. “Well, you know, he's not actually a girl. He just looks like one.”
Sequoia: He's just been transfigured into one.
Kim: So he’s… he’s not a girl. He looks like a girl, but they're all trying to make him look even more like a girl.
Sequoia: Yeah, they’re trying to make him conform to some girl type standards.
Kim: For…
Sequoia: But they won't call him a girl. And they… they don't like that he smells of aftershave. But they fixed his eyebrows, and I think that's the most important part.
Kim: It is. It really is. And Ron's like extra confused. Ron's eyes widened to the size of Christmas dinner saucers. Are the Christmas saucers a…?
Sequoia: What is a Christmas saucer? [both laugh]
Kim: Whatever. Whatever. And flicked over the front of Harry's robes. You mean?
Sequoia: Uuuuuum, what?
Kim: So Hermione just told Ron that Harry's not actually a girl, that he just looks like one, and Ron's immediately concerned about what Harry's got inside of those boxers that he's still wearing.
Sequoia: Oh, gotcha.
Kim: “No!” Harry yelped, face flushed. “No, he's…” Hermione’s face joined Harry's in mottled red and she swallowed loudly. “He's all one… he's all very much one thing.” She coughed. “But his essence hasn't changed, you see. What he is really. Like, say, if you used Polyjuice to disguise yourself as Harry, you'd still be you.” “Oh,” Ron said. “For example,” Hermione continued. “I read this fascinating memoir last summer by a wizard who spent three years disguised through Polyjuice potion and recorded his…” “All right,” Draco said.
Sequoia: Oh, yes! Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Kim: “That's great. Terrific, even. How about some lunch?” They blinked, and Draco smiled, offering a hand to Harry.
Sequoia: What’s happening?
Kim: “Draco Malfoy. Are you visiting for the term?”
Sequoia: [laughs] Yes! This is exactly what you told me you would get me.
Kim: Is it?
Sequoia: Yeah, when I… when… when I said… when you were reading me, In… In… In More Ways Than One. And I was like, it's Draco Malfoy. Polyjuice potion.
Kim: This is the… this is the opposite, though.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: But yes, it is, pretty much. “Are you visiting for the term? My father says that is an excellent idea, and I have plans to tour schools in Scotland over the winter holiday.”
Sequoia: They ARE in Scotland. What?
Kim: Look, they didn't know that there was only one school…
Sequoia: In Scotland.
Kim: …in Scotland, because…
Sequoia: Oh, so he's talking about the other schools in Scotland.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Got you.
Kim: You know, the other wizard schools, because we had no idea how many schools there were at this point.
Sequoia: That's true.
Kim: And we still don't. I'm not gonna get into it.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Not today.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Never mind. Forget I said that, listeners. [both laugh] “Not fooling anybody?” Hermione whispered into Ron's ear, and Ron made a choked cry that resembled that of a delirious mutilated seagull. [makes strangled noise]
Sequoia: I make that sound all the time. [both laugh]
Kim: Yep, yep. Yep.
Sequoia: A delirious, mutilated seagull?
Kim: Specifically, yes.
Sequoia: That's the greatest…
Kim: I like it a lot.
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: I told you I really liked this story
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: “He's talking to Malfoy,” Ron hissed, glaring across the table. Hermione kicked him with the sharp toe of her shoe and narrowed her eyes at his. “What?” he said loudly. “You said we should call him him because of that whole essence deal. Or don't you remember all of that?” “Well, I've changed my mind,” she said.
Sequoia: ‘Cause she totally wants Harry to hook up with Draco. [laughs]
Kim: Who doesn’t want that? “You've changed your mind.” I've changed my mind,” said Hermione, and nodded firmly. Ron frowned. “All right, then.” Harry slid in beside them. “I told Draco that I'm not a girl.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: I wonder exactly what he said.
Kim: I'm guessing he said exactly that. Draco, who was lingering at his left shoulder, fearful of touching the Gryffindor table and contracting some sort of poverty, most likely…
Sequoia: [laughs at length] Oh, no, that is so good.
Kim: Isn’t it?
Sequoia: I love that.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: I love that.
Kim: The characterization of Draco in this is amazing. [through laughter] Contracting some kind of poverty!
Sequoia: Oh, this is so good.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Okay. Continue.
Kim: “You had to tell him,” Ron replied snidely. “I had to tell him that I'm him him, but not a him him.” Harry blinked. “And that didn't make any sense, did it?”
Sequoia: Oh no, he's turning into such a girl, he doesn’t make any sense!
Kim: Ugh, girls.
Sequoia: Girls.
Kim: “It made sense when you told me,” Draco supplied helpfully. “It's Weasley. I find just sharing the same room with him will begin decreasing brain cells.” Ron's teeth clashed together, jaw popping. “I…” “Does it have something to do with you being poor?” Draco enquired.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: “Because I find that most things do when your mouth is open and sound is coming out, and we are already very much informed, I assure you.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Everything he says is gold.
Kim: Yes! Thank you, Draco. [Sequoia laughs] Thank you, Draco. Shit on Ron some more. Ron's throat gurgled. Draco hummed lightly and asked Harry if he might feel like a stroll down the west corridor.
Sequoia: Wait, I'm so cu… so he didn't tell him that… he did not… oh, wait. Okay, so Harry didn't tell Draco that he's Harry, he just told him that he's not a girl.
Kim: Yeah, I think so. Maybe?
Sequoia: Is that what he meant by the him him shit?
Kim: No, I think he meant that he told him that he's a him in essen… thing that Hermione was saying before.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: There's no him parts physically, but that internally he's a him.
Sequoia: Okay. Gotcha.
Kim: I don't know if he told him he’s Harry or not at this point.
Sequoia: I’m thinking no, because…
Kim: You never know. Draco might just think he's hot. Be into it suddenly.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my god.
Kim: Probably not. Well, I mean, he's hanging out with Ron and Hermione.
Sequoia: Yeah, so…
Kim: And Harry's not there.
Sequoia: And Harry's not there.
Kim: You know, even Draco’s not that thick.
Sequoia: [simultaneously] Draco’s pretty fucking stupid. [both laugh]
Kim: Or maybe he is.
Sequoia: I like how we said opposite things.
Kim: [laughs] “We're calling Harry him again,” Hermione said as soon as Ron's knuckles loosened and color began returning to his face. “We are?” “We are.” Hermione nodded solemnly.
Sequoia: Solemnly. She wants them to hook up so bad.
Kim: So bad. [Sequoia laughs] “Harry,” Ron said a week later, between bites of sausage and morning biscuit, “Is ignoring us.”
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Hermione would have sighed with exasparation, except she was drinking at the moment. “He's not.” “He is! He's ignoring us for Malfoy. And Harry's letting him bad mouth us, and really, didn't Harry tell him to take a hike in the first place because he was being a git about me?” Hermione opened her mouth very wide, like she always did when she was about to say something that was completely obvious to everyone who was Hermione. And that wasn't very many people, so she received a lot of practice at it. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, I love it.
Kim: It's a face that she totally makes all the time.
Sequoia: Yes. [sighs] Ron!
Kim: “It's those eyes he makes.”
Sequoia: That Draco makes?
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Hermione wants to hook up with Draco.
Kim: You know, who doesn't want a piece of Drac… I can't say it. [Sequoia laughs] I couldn’t even get through the sentence. Like, we keep talking about how much we like Draco, but I’m like gagging.
Sequoia: [still laughing] I love Draco.
Kim: “And Harry didn't notice these eyes before?” Ron said, slightly disconcerted about the idea of someone making eyes. He liked to think of eyes as a pre-existing trait. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, that's a great sentence.
Kim: “Draco didn't make those eyes before,” she explained patiently. “He didn't?” “He makes them for girls.” “But, and I hope you're listening, Hermione,” Ron said, his voice raising. “Because it seems like no one is listening. Harry is not a girl! And Malfoy knows that. Weren't you listening?”
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh my god, the characterization is so on for Ron, who's just like…
Kim: For everyone.
Sequoia: …this obvious thing! Why is everyone ignoring this totally obvious thing? oh my god.
Kim: That is happening. What is happening? says Ron. “Well, it's too late now, isn't it?” Hermione replied matter of factly.
Sequoia: Too late to… to what? Too late?
Kim: To worry about anything.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Harry and Draco.
Sequoia: Also, how does Hermione know about the eyes? Isn’t… why w… Draco…
Kim: ‘Cause she’s watching them both constantly, ‘cause she's a… she's a Drarry shipper. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Awesome.
Kim: Draco Malfoy was desperately, madly, very nearly completely, but not quite, in love. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I want a… I want a story to start with that sentence.
Kim: Oh my gosh, yes! Well, this story could have. Well no, it couldn’t.
Sequoia: It cou… well, no.
Kim: It needed the build up.
Sequoia: Yeah. No. I’m glad it didn’t. But I love that sentence.
Kim: It’s great. He had never intended to be so, but then he had never intended to walk directly in the path of his Uncle Levin's Doberman Pinscher, which took five curses to the head before it would release him, and these things happen. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my god, this is so good. I'm freaking out, dude.
Kim: I told you. I told you… I told you that I wasn't sure whether I needed to rec it or read it.
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: It’s so… I love this story. These things happen, Draco assured himself, and steered Harry towards the Quidditch match with a hand resting firmly on the small of Harry's soft, sloping back. It had been too late to look away, once Harry had peered up through his tousled bangs and parted twice-bitten lips, and Draco had just always loved a woman whose eyes turned cold and chin tilted up. It reminded him of his mother.
Sequoia: Uh… uh… uhhhh!
Kim: Yes. Just every once in a while Harry's like, fuckin’ Malfoy.
Sequoia: [laughs] And he loves it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He loves it.
Kim: Of course he does.
Sequoia: I'm also… I'm now starting to wonder what Draco calls Harry. Like, he has to call Harry a name, so what name did Harry give Draco to call him? Her.
Kim: Hold for the text?
Sequoia: Okay, okay.
Kim: I also like how pretty Harry is, except for he definitely has messy hair.
Sequoia: Yeah, of course he does. He's Harry Potter.
Kim: “My father will have you killed,” he informed Marcus Flint, who looked unwilling to relinquish his seat for the girl formerly known as the Boy Who Lived. Just…
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: Oh, also, this is their sixth year. They said earlier that Parvati was sixteen. Marcus Flint is still at Hogwarts. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god! You know, the amount of fanfiction in which Marcus Flint has been held back just like…
Kim: Like, ten years.
Sequoia: …indefinitely is great.
Kim: ‘Cause he gets held back one year in canon. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, but that he could be held back… for ten…
Kim: You know, Marcus Flint, super dumb.
Sequoia: He’s an idiot.
Kim: Yep. Eventually, you can't have like a twenty five year old as a student at Hogwarts, I feel like.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's creepy.
Kim: Eventually they're just gotta kick you out. Jesus. …who looked unwilling to relinquish his seat for the girl formerly known as The Boy Who Lived, despite the fact that it was only Ravenclaw playing Hufflepuff and very badly, he might add.
Sequoia: Those Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs.
Kim: They can't do anything.
Sequoia: Not great at Quidditch!
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Not sports people.
Kim: They did well like one… they had like one or two okay players, but really, no.
Sequoia: Cho Chang.
Kim: Cedric Diggory.
Sequoia: That's it.
Kim: That’s it.
Sequoia: There you go. We did it.
Kim: Those are the only… those are the only…
Sequoia: Roger Davies.
Kim: He was Captain, but I don't know that he was particularly good.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Those are the three named players, I think. [both laugh] If you know of any other named players, let me know, but…
Sequoia: Tweet at us.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Tweet tweet.
Kim: I think that's it. Marcus grimaced, but nodded and slid down the bleachers to give Harry and Draco room. “I believe you're supposed to blush now,” Draco said, and let Goyle know he would be killed as well if he didn't place that toad very carefully down the back of his own robes. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, classic.
Kim: Classic who? Classic what?
Sequoia: Everyone.
Kim: Everything? Yep. “Oh, okay,” Harry said, and went about doing it. [laughs] Oh my gosh. The only one that's not in character is Harry.
Sequoia: But he's been transfigured into a girl.
Kim: I know!
Sequoia: So…
Kim: I love it. Harry is so weird in this story. I love it.
Sequoia: There's no… I like how we have yet to have any explanation as to, like, why Harry is going along with this.
Kim: ‘Cause he’s into it! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh man.
Kim: Harry went about being a girlfriend in a very exact, professional manner. He woke up one half hour before the rest of his dormitory and marched straight into the bathroom. The center mirror had the best lighting, and he cleaned his teeth in front of it while he thought up something interesting to owl Draco before lunch. His hair received thirty five brush strokes, he scrubbed his skin with Bobbles Ever-Glow face cream, making small circles with the tips of his fingers, and he typically decided on commenting that breakfast had been absolutely delicious. [both laugh] Oh Harry. Harry’s trying so hard.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my god.
Kim: He's just really excited that somebody loves him. [Sequoia laughs again] Oh Harry, honey. Oh, honey.
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: Maybe this is how he always would have been.
Sequoia: As a girl?
Kim: Just in general, like, if he wasn't so preoccupied with…
Sequoia: Voldemort? [both laugh]
Kim: Do you think Harry would have been silly? He typically decided on commenting that breakfast had been absolutely delicious. He wouldn't eat for another fifteen minutes, but it was a rather sure bet. A small letter would be poked through the crack in the centermost window, where the Malfoy owl stashed it sometime during the night. Draco owled before bed, and Harry checked it in the morning because it was nice to wake up to.
Sequoia: Ahhh.
Kim: Isn’t this disgusting? This is absolutely vile.
Sequoia: Ughhh. Ugh.
Kim: No one should ever be like this. [both laugh] Don't ever express your love or feelings.
Sequoia: Ohhhh jaded, jaded, jaded. [both laugh]
Kim: What's wrong with us? Jesus.
Sequoia: I don't know.
Kim: Sometimes there would be a handful of Every Flavor Beans tucked into a pocket of parchment, in toast, coffee and peppermint, picked out from the package one by one through laborious tests upon Crabbe and Goyle.
Sequoia: It was very nice and sweet until he was feeding shit to Crabbe and Goyle!
Kim: [laughing] But it’s totally…
Sequoia: It’s way in character.
Kim: That’s how Malfoy would do it! He sucks!
Sequoia: Oh man. Oh man!
Kim: “He'll poison you,” said Seamus, horrified, but Harry declared them quite tasty and not at all life threatening.
Sequoia: Right, ‘cause he still sleeps in the sixth year Gryffindor boys’ dormitory.
Kim: ‘Cause he's still Harry! Like, he’s still… did he go to the boys’ bathroom too?
Sequoia: I’m so confused about what Draco knows and does not know.
Kim: I think he knows everything. [laughs]
Sequoia: What is happening?
Kim: He just never thought that Harry would be a hot girl. [Sequoia laughs] And Harry never thought that anyone would ever love him.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my god. Oh my god. [both laugh] Precisely.
Kim: So you know, that's why this is happening. I would say.
Sequoia: Okay. I buy that. Sure. [both laugh again]
Kim: It was just fine that no one wanted to share; he would have them all to himself. And the same went with his satin backed hairbrush, Fair Weather pocket mirror, and large rectangular picture that declared, “Malfoy rules,” in small, circular, ever-moving explosions above a depiction of the boy in question astride a broom and in full Quidditch gear.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: Those are amazing presents.
Sequoia: They are, and I want one of those pictures. [laughs]
Kim: Yes! I don't think we've gotten much fan art yet. If you want to draw some fan art…
Sequoia: Request!
Kim: [laughs] Draco walked with Harry to his first and second, but not third, class, pointing out how truly insipid the passing students were, in case Harry hadn't noticed. Harry typically hadn't. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Thank you dear, for pointing this out to me.
Kim: “And that one,” Draco drawled, “Comes from a whole line of Squibs. Mother says that they're not purebloods at all, most likely. The first one was probably misclassified and now it would be truly embarrassing to go back and relabel them all.”
Sequoia: Wow, what a dick!
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: What a dick!
Kim: I love… like, the biggest thing that I love about this story is that they don't shy away from making Draco fucking Draco.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's what he's like.
Kim: That's him. That is it.
Sequoia: That is it.
Kim: He sucks. [both laugh] Harry examined the boy very closely, and then dropped his eyes in a very nonchalant okay, I'm not fooling anyone, manner when the boy’s head snapped back in their direction. “As I was saying,” Draco continued icily, when the young man in question stopped to mutter something that sounded very similar to, “Your girlfriend's a fucking freak, Malfoy.”
Sequoia: Your girlfriend’s Harry Potter!
Kim: “Draco's father will have you killed,” stated Harry. [both laugh]
Sequoia: What happened to Harry? What the fuck is wrong with Harry?
Kim: He’s been spending too much time with Malfoy. [laughs]
Sequoia: Draco’s father will have you killed. [both laugh]
Kim: A little bit of that old snark, but just, like, pointed completely in the wrong direction. Harry, come on, dude.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah, wait, what?
Kim: And then Draco was smiling and not saying anything at all. “Don't you think,” Ron ventured, torso stretched awkwardly across the library table… [both laugh] Just loungin’ on the ta… I love that. It’s good.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yes.
Kim: “That Harry has become sort of…”
Sequoia: A dick.
Kim: “…mean?”
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Hermione batted his fingers away from the edge of her tightly rolled parchment, and cupped a hand around the bottom lines protectively, as as one could never tell with Ron if it was casual conversation or a stealth attack on homework solutions. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I love how this is written.
Kim: Yes! “His recent tendency towards bowing to peer pressure and sneering at the less fortunate?” she clarified.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, that.
Kim: That. Which earned her a cross and distinctly suspicious, you don't actually have a book for this, do you, oh, Merlin, you do and I think I could hate you look. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] I can see it! I can picture the look, too!
Kim: I'm not making it, by the way. We're just imagining it.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: As you should be. “Ron, he's a teenager.” Hermione sighed and leaned back on her chair to paw a bit at the bookshelf on her right. “Oh, yes. Here it is. Acne Anxiety and Antacids: What your Child has Become and Why you Can't Perform an Exorcism.”
Sequoia: [laughs] Yes!
Kim: Yeah, that's accurate. “Of course,” she continued speculatively. “I know they're trying to be witty, but honestly, every wizard knows that exorcisms are an…” “But he's…” [Sequoia laughs] Ron squirmed impatiently in his chair as if he was in great need of the lavatory.
Sequoia: He's so uncomfortable. I love it.
Kim: About the whole thing.
Sequoia: The whole thing!
Kim: Everything. “Girls our age are absolutely vicious about boys,” insisted Hermione. “Vicious?”
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my god.
Kim: Ron peered with a measure of trepidation towards Lavender Brown as she made dainty flapping butterfly wings out of a broken quill beside the wide library windows, and then shook his head sharply. “But he's not actually a girl, Hermione!”
Sequoia: Like, does anyone actually know what happened to Harry?
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: Does no… okay.
Kim: “He's doing a terrific job adapting,” she reminded him, proudly. “Well, except for that dreadful habit of scratching at the front of his skirts.” He's trying so hard.
Sequoia: Harry.
Kim: He's just, like, resigned himself to his fate.
Sequoia: He's being such a good…
Kim: Sport.
Sequoia: …perfect girlfriend.
Kim: Having discovered that sixty two versions of Harry Potter-Malfoy, each with slightly varied penmanship, could fit on a single roll of parchment, Harry then repeated the procedure with Harry Malfoy-Potter, promptly discarded the initial batch, and stowed the signatures under his pillow for safe keeping.
Sequoia: Whaaaaaat?
Kim: You know, you write you and your crush’s name…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …on the paper.
Sequoia: The more we… the more you read, the more I’m like yeah, Malfoy just calls him Harry.
Kim: Yup. [Sequoia laughs] Yup. Malfoy’s known the whole time who he is and what’s happening.
Sequoia: [laughing] What! Oh no.
Kim: He began to have much nicer dreams, with beds of roses and butterfly kisses and making Snape cry when Gryffindor beat out the Slytherins for the seventh year running, and so deemed the exercise an immense success. I love everything. I’m gonna point out that I love that he’s still, like, planning on beating the Slytherins and making Snape cry, but also is sleeping [laughs] on a roll of… piece of parchment that says Harry Malfoy-Potter on it.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: And so deemed the exercise an immense success, a judgement call that did not sit so well with his friends, who, in a shockingly selfish manner refused to help him pick out the prettiest one that could some day be printed up on all their wedding invitations. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] How rude!
Kim: Like, seriously, guys.
Sequoia: Guys, just help me pick the prettiest one!
Kim: Neville!
Sequoia: Neville! [laughs helplessly]
Kim: “You don’t have to print them, anyway,” Hermione pointed out. Neville nodded. “My grandmum spelled the invites to my great aunt’s hundred and first birthday. Instant replicas.” “And in case you’ve forgotten, your name will never be Harry Malfoy!” [Sequoia laughs] Ron said loudly. [both laugh at length] Oh god, I’m crying. [both keep laughing]
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah! Ron is… Ron… [both laugh some more] Ron is there to be…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He’s… he’s the… oh, what’s that called?
Kim: Voice of ronson?
Sequoia: He’s… no. He’s there to be the voice of the audience.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like, we’re… like, the readers.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We’re reading it going, but…
Kim: But… wait, what?
Sequoia: But…
Kim: And, like, Neville and Hermione are like, yeah, this is fine. This is normal.
Sequoia: My grandmom just…
Kim: “Of course it won’t,” Harry said, looking quite surprised, and Ron let out a deep sigh of relief. [sighs] “If I left off Potter, Snuffles would never forgive me.”
Sequoia: Snuffles [Kim laughs] would never forgive you for marrying Draco Malfoy.
Kim: No, no. No, no, no, that’s gonna be fine, Sequoia. The problem is gonna be if he doesn’t keep his own last name.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Gotta… gotta dash it.
Sequoia: Right. Right. Ri… [both laugh] I need Ron to chime in here for me right now.
Kim: Ron decided to demonstrate his maturity and perseverance by sulking for a fortnight.
Sequoia: Goddamnit Ron, I needed you.
Kim: “You didn’t act this way about Viktor.” Hermione pursed her lips impatiently, as she always did when she was about to say something that was completely obvious to everyone who’s not named Ron Weasley. “He’s not my boyfriend.” Ron snorted. “Could’ve fooled me.”
Sequoia: Classic.
Kim: “But then, that’s not at all difficult to achieve, is it?” Draco observed…
Sequoia: Is he just… is he just hanging out with them?
Kim: …lounging against a nearby pillar.
Sequoia: Creepin’.
Kim: Yep. Lounging against a nearby pillar, despite the fact that upright columns of stone and lying in a lazy, relaxed manner did not initially seem to be things that would have a tendency to mix. [laughs] He’s just doing that. Thinks it looks cool.
Sequoia: Yeah. He thinks everything he does looks cool.
Kim: Ron threw up his hands. “How do you keep doing that?”
Sequoia: [laughs] Right!
Kim: Draco just keeps, like, popping up, insulting him…
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: …with perfectly timed whatevers. “It’s a gift,” Draco replied smoothly, and paused at its chilly reception. “Oh, all right, it’s a form of locator spell. When you’re making a particularly large ass of yourself it alerts me.”
Sequoia: Whaaat? [Kim laughs] What? What?!
Kim: You know, it just immediately summons him to the location so he can make a perfectly prepared asshole remark.
Sequoia: He’s brushing his teeth and all of a sudden he pops up next to Ron. [both laugh]
Kim: And he’s just like, you’re poor! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh man.
Kim: You’re poor and have poor self esteem. [Sequoia laughs] The only mystery remaining, (though Ron fervently argued that, “Everything is weird and wrong and you’ve all gone nutters.”) [Sequoia laughs] was the sharp incline in Harry’s marks that had inexplicably occurred when he was working terribly hard at paying less attention to his courses than ever.
Sequoia: Girls are just smarter? He’s just smarter cause he’s a girl?
Kim: Just doing better in classes.
Sequoia: That is awesome.
Kim: That’s funny. Snape seemed cut off at the tongue and given to long periods of inspection, standing haltingly at five paces away and eyeing Harry as one does an especially rare and repugnant specimen. His choice cutting remarks didn’t seem to cast the same dour shadow over a sparkling brunette with a glowing disposition and delicate ankles. and it…
Sequoia: [laughs] Yessss!
Kim: …and it was the most unsettling thing, the way Potter kept making demure eyes over his shoulder and towards his favorite pupil.
Sequoia: [laughs] Snape’s not up on the gossip. Snape…
Kim: Snape cannot handle this.
Sequoia: …does not know what’s going on.
Kim: He can’t handle this. He’s like, Potter, you suck, and then Harry’s like whaaat?
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: And he’s like, oh god, what?! [Sequoia laughs] What is happening? Binns found Miss Potter a most refreshing joy to his classroom, and it was of Trelawney’s opinion that her untimely death would be even more tragic now that a blossoming young romance would also be irrevocably cut short, leaving the survivor to roam the earth stricken and alone until his last heartbroken day. So she’s giving him better marks in class.
Sequoia: Oh good.
Kim: Or whatever.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: And he would become so gaunt, and his hair would lose that lovely shine, she added.
Sequoia: Classic. [Kim laughs] I buy it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I buy that.
Kim: Yeah, that sounds right to you?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: All right. “Please tell me that you’re not writing Harry Malfoy-Potter into your foreshadowing journal,” pleaded Ron. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] Ron is the best character in this whole story. I love it.
Kim: Harry smiled sweetly. “I am not writing Harry Malfoy-Potter into my foreshadowing journal.” “Oh, thank the…” “I’m writing Harry plus Draco forever.” [Sequoia laughs at length] It’s so much better out loud.
Sequoia: Oh, it’s so good!
Kim: It was good when I read it before, but… I’m writing Harry plus Draco forever, but in the rather strange abbreviation that I spied Padma using in Magical Creatures,” he said. “Would you like to see?” and tilted up the rather smudged pages for inspection. Ron would quite decidedly not like to see, [Sequoia laughs] and he said as much. “Harry,” Ron said, pitching his voice low and calm and rational. “If you were a sixteen year old girl, which you are not, you would still have no business writing cutesy little declarations with a pink inkwell and sparkles, because frankly, it’s stupid.”
Sequoia: [laughs] Yes!
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: Yeah? Ron saying all of the thoughts that you’re thinking.
Sequoia: All of them!
Kim: Before you’re even through thinking them. [both laugh] Harry squinted up at him. “I have to admit, you may be onto something,” he said, and promptly changed the ink to a rich shade of crimson. ‘Cause that’s what was wrong.
Sequoia: Yep. Good job, girl Harry.
Kim: Oh, girl Harry. “Do you ever wonder if they’re raising a percentage of us like mandrakes, just waiting until we first sprout acne and then setting about chopping us into little pieces and then giving us to Snape for potions?” Ron mused.
Sequoia: He lost me.
Kim: Hermione blinked. [Sequoia laughs] “I would think that the obvious answer is no. Also, I’m going to pretend we never had this conversation.” [both laugh] It’s just… this is just like a weird little aside. [Sequoia laughs] Or maybe he’s hoping that that’s what’s going to happen to Harry now.
Sequoia: Yeah, ‘cause he’s over it.
Kim: Harry turned back into a boy on a Tuesday…
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: …which Ron discovered, rather accidentally, by bumping into Malfoy while they were kissing in the hall. Draco…
Sequoia: Yes. [both laugh]
Kim: Draco bit right into Harry’s tongue and Harry’s yelp was not girlish at all, and Ron was quite frankly appalled.
Sequoia: [laughs] Me too, Ron. Me too!
Kim: “You’re still kissing!” he shrieked, and then clapped both hands over his mouth. [both laugh] He squeezed his eyes tightly shut and then opened them very slowly. “Well no, not at the moment,” Draco snapped. He lightly… he dabbed lightly at the corner of Harry’s mouth with a crisp, white, neatly pressed and monogrammed handkerchief. “Funny how blunt trauma to the mouth gets in the way of a snog.” “Hermione,” Ron said, appealing to her good sense and generous nature. “They’re still kissing!” “Yes,” she said. “I can see that.” [both laugh] Yeah?
Sequoia: Keep… keep going.
Kim: Yeah? Just keep going?
Sequoia: Go on.
Kim: Harry’s arms had returned to winding around Draco’s neck, and their mouths were open and shiny and causing Ron an inexplicable attack of the nerves. [Sequoia laughs] His mother had nerves, and he had been known to unwittingly stand upon them, but he never imagined that he would own any. Ron had always been firm in his belief that this was a woman problem.
Sequoia: Oh god! [Kim laughs] Ron!
Kim: People are standing on his nerves. Or he’s attack… he’s having a nervous attack.
Sequoia: He’s… he’s… yeah.
Kim: Ron’s eyebrows were protesting vigorously. [Sequoia laughs] “But he’s a boy!”
Sequoia: Oh, Ron!
Kim: She remained nonplussed. “He’s always been a boy.” “But Hermione, and correct me if I’m wrong, and please try to remember, as no one seemes to remember anything or notice a single damned thing any more, Harry does not kiss boys!” “Ron,” Hermione sighed. “Harry does kiss boys.” See? They’re doing it now! Duh!
Sequoia: Yeah! He’s doing it right now, Ron.
Kim: “No,” Ron insisted. “Certainly there are plenty of boys who kiss boys who happen to have the name Harry, and they might even kiss Malfoy, of all the deplorable things. But our Harry is not one of them.” He rolled his eyes widely and got in an accidental glance at the rapidly more and more entwined couple, and winced. “I think I’d know.” “Ron,” Hermione said. “Hermione,” Ron said back. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: He’s so upset!
Kim: And Hermione’s so just like, yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah?
Kim: That’s…
Sequoia: I wanted it to happen the whole time.
Kim: Here it is.
Sequoia: Like this.
Kim: I’m not masturbating in the corner. [Sequoia laughs] Or whatever. Whatever.
Sequoia: Whatever.
Kim: Whatever slashers do when their slash pairings work. [both laugh] I say that as a… as an unrepentant slasher. I’m just throwing that out there [both laugh] “Ron,” Hermione said, with admirable aplomb and tranquillity. “You know the time you burped up giant slugs for an afternoon, and you ate one, and you admitted that night before bed that it tasted sort of good but salty? And the time you were afraid you could never grow enough hair on your testicles, and you had me mix up a potion and that one paragraph was smudged and they turned all black and green and had to go to Dumbledore, and we swore to never tell anyone but then Malfoy slipped you a bit of truth serum before the term was out and you told all of Potions? And the time Seamus finally managed to make rum, and you drunk far, far too much of it and you were moaning and clinging to the walls, and you loooked up into my eyes and you told me I was the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen, except on those days when I was sort of ugly and you loved me on those days anyway, and on every day, and some day you would tell me proper but you were just so scared?”
Sequoia: Www… daaaa! Daaaaa! That was an information overload.
Kim: Ron gulped. “I listen,” she said, and laid a soft hand over his cheek. “I notice,” she said, and pressed a kiss to the other one. And they lived happily ever after, except for perhaps Snape, but that was undoubtedly for the best, and he would never wish… as he would never have wished to feel an emotion as frivolous and silly as that one. The end.
Sequoia: Wait, it’s over now?
Kim: It’s over! It’s over!
Sequoia: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait!
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Wait.
Kim: Do you wanna go back to that information dump that Hermione laid on us, or was that all fine?
Sequoia: That was all fine, I guess. [laughs]
Kim: Or do you have another question?
Sequoia: Uhhh.
Kim: Yeah, what’s up?
Sequoia: I just…
Kim: Yeah, what’s up?
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So Harry turning into a girl was used as a function to have him… wait, I’m so confused.
Kim: So the Harry turns into a girl trope is one that I have seen a ton of, often in Drarry fics.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: This one… is the funniest. Usually they go through like this complicated like process for turning Harry into a girl, and then it’s like a big deal, and blah blah blah, and then weird stuff happens. And there are a lot of those fics, and those are fine, and I was thinking of pairing this one with a more of a traditional one. This one as a rec and the other one as a read.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: But this one is so fun.
Sequoia: Yeah, this is so super fun.
Kim: And it doesn’t bother itself with any of the, like, reasons why things are happening.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Things just happen and it’s hilarious. The thing that I like about this story the most is that the characterizations are pretty much universally spot on.
Sequoia: The characterization is good. I… I really liked a lot of the description.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: The phrasing was good.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: The dialogue was good.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Why did…
Kim: Why did anything happen?
Sequoia: Why did anything happen?
Kim: Because it’s happening. Just let it happen, Sequoia. [Sequoia laughs] God, don’t try to ruin my fun!
Sequoia: Oh man. Yeah, I was like waiting for somebody to be like… for Hermione to be like, I wanted Harry to admit that he’s in love with Draco so I turned him into a girl.
Kim: No. None of… no. No. Just happened.
Sequoia: Or like anything.
Kim: Don’t worry about why. And a lot of those other stories, they like… Harry and Draco like spend a lot of time agonising about, like, what it means for them, or it’s like a way to get around them being gay characters. It’s like a way to ship these characters that you like, but without having them be gay. ‘Cause, you know, this was writ… these fanfics were written in like the early 2000s, so people were like a little less sensitive to that kind of stuff.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: You know. You know what I mean?
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: And this one just, like, doesn’t bother with any of that nonsense. It’s like yeah, he’s a dude but he’s acting like a girl but also he’s still a dude, and at the end it just like hits you with… yeah, though.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And he was always a dude.
Sequoia: Interesting.
Kim: Yeah, I don’t know. It’s an interesting trope when you look at it, that’s… often… it… it happens a lot, and it’s generally not done very well.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: And it’s done for…
Sequoia: I wouldn’t think so.
Kim: …the incorrect reasons.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: But even just… not even just, like, Harry turns into a girl. There are hundreds of Harry IS a girl fics, too.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: And those are those are like something else completely, though.
Sequoia: Right, that’s an alternate universe.
Kim: And we should probably talk about that separately, but…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Anyway, the Harry turns into a girl and then makes out with Draco thing, it happens quite a bit.
Sequoia: I’m like, I kind of like that he turned back into himself…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and they were like…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …still a thing.
Kim: Yeah, no, I think that really makes this… it made this story really stand out to me.
Sequoia: Yeah. I just… wow. [Kim laughs] So many… Ron was just so good in this story.
Kim: You know…
Sequoia: So good.
Kim: …Ron is one of my favorite characters in the books.
Sequoia: Me too.
Kim: And fanfiction lives and dies for me by its characterization of Ron. He is so frequently mischaracterized, poorly used, and it bothers me.
Sequoia: Yeah, it bothers me, too. It’s one of my main complaints about the Harry Potter films.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But… ‘cause Ron is a great character.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And I just, like, I could not get enough of Ron in this story.
Kim: It was so good.
Sequoia: So good.
Kim: He was so funny. He’s… he’s funny, but not like, oh he’s the funny guy, he makes the jokes.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Which is where he often gets put.
Kim: Yeah, exactly. And then his dynamic with Hermione works really well the whole time, I think.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s just that they took all of these characterizations that made sense, and then just…
Kim: Put them…
Sequoia: …made weird shit happen, and Harry is just weird and nothing.
Kim: Which I would guess is why… this is like… I would guess this is a parody fic, and… I mean, maybe it’s not, but it’s titled after a Monty Python movie.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: So it’s… it’s obviously that they meant it that way.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: It’s a humorous story.
Sequoia: I liked it!
Kim: Yup. Yup.
Sequoia: That was fun.
Kim: One of the… their additional tags… they’ve got some, like, tags on this. One of them’s genderswap, but another is bad plans. [both laugh] And I don’t know…
Sequoia: I love that that’s a tag.
Kim: I’m not… I’m not totally sure if they mean that it’s a bad plan for them to write this. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I hope so, even though I think it was a great plan for them to write this.
Kim: I love this story. It’s so… yes. Thank you.
Sequoia: I’m really glad that you read it, because I understand the, like, not knowing if you should…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …read it or rec it.
Kim: It was so borderline for me, but I think it’s such a fun… I think we… I think it’s okay for us to do good stories sometimes.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Good stories that… you know, I… I mean. I love Precious too. Precious is…
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: …one of my favorite stories I’ve read.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: But that one was such, like, absolute insanity that I obviously had to read it. But this one, you know, I could have gone either way on this, and I wanted to share it with our listeners.
Sequoia: I’ve… I’ve run into a lot of stuff that I could go either way on.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: To… yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Because you know this is…
Kim: I…
Sequoia: Okay, here’s the thing, though, is like, this… the whole entire premise is insane.
Kim: Yes! Yes.
Sequoia: Like…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …it’s insane.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: But the characterization is good…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and the writing was so fun. The…
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: …like…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …you know.
Kim: Yeah. I mean, the reason we’re doing this is because we like fanfiction.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: And [laughs] I wanted to share with you guys a fanfiction that I liked by reading it to you.
Sequoia: That was… I enjoyed that.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That was fun.
Kim: Yeah. So. I don’t know.
Sequoia: So what are you recommending with this?
Kim: Oh! I don’t have anything that, like, fits with this one, like, really thematically, so I’m gonna rec a story called After Dinner Discussions. I keep a list of all my fanfictions, and this one I have tagged as… in my description as… as what fanfiction is for.
Sequoia: Right, okay.
Kim: I told you about this before, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: But for our listeners, this is a story that I feel like is… like, gets to the heart of what a lot of I feel like fanfiction should be for. It’s for, like, beats that you maybe wish had happened in the stories, that didn’t. So this is a story about the adults in Harry’s life who care about him confronting him about what Umbridge has been doing to him, at Christmas. So it’s like a character beat that I kinda wish had happened. That it makes sense that it didn’t…
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: …but it’s like nice to see.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And so that’s… I think that’s, like, a big part of what I like think fanfiction is really good for. Going back and revisiting moments that you kind of wish had played out a different way but didn’t, and just letting us look at that. So yeah, that’s my rec.
Sequoia: Awesome. I’m excited to read it.
Kim: Yeah, so there you go. Cool. Um.
Sequoia: Um.
Kim: Um. What do we do now? [both laugh] I’m just kidding.
Sequoia: If you can think of any other Quidditch players from Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff, please tweet at us.
Kim: [laughs] Let us know.
Sequoia: You can find us on social media.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, @FanaticalFics.
Kim: I mean, if you have any other thoughts also, we’d like to hear about them.
Sequoia: Yeah, I wa… like, just tell us that you loved that, ‘cause it was lovely.
Kim: It was! You… did you say the email?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Oh, you can also send us longer thoughts than Twitter can handle. If you wanna send us an email, our email is fanaticalfics@gmail.com. Also one thing that is really helpful for us finding new listeners and things like that, is if you drop us a review on iTunes. That’s super helpful for us. Also, just let us know how we’re doing. We’d love to hear your thoughts on that. And if you like our content and want to support us, there’s a way to do that.
Sequoia: Patreon.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: Patreon page.
Kim: We have Patreon. There’s some, like, some extra content. We do bonus episodes sometimes, bonus audio episodes. We have some bonus written content, and a little bit of swag if you’re interested, so the link to our Patreon is in the description. The other thing that’s in the description is a submission form. If you’ve read a fanfiction that you wanna share with us, not even just like a crazy one. If it’s like a fun one that you liked, or something like that, that you think we should read. If you wanna just… if you wanna rec something to us.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I love… I love fanfiction.
Sequoia: I spend hours…
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: …reading fanfiction.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: And I’ll remember… like three hours in, I’ll be like, oh, I’m looking for something for the podcast. [Kim laughs] I’m just rea…
Kim: Tell… tell our listeners about what you were reading recently.
Sequoia: Okay, so the other night, I kid you not, friends, I spent four hours reading Percy and Oliver Wood stories.
Kim: Yes! Oh my god, so I told you…
Sequoia: I love them.
Kim: I told you earlier I’m a unrepentant slasher. Percy/Oliver, one of my favorite pairings.
Sequoia: It’s so good.
Kim: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: I’ve got one to rec, so…
Kim: Ah! I want it now! Give it to me!
Sequoia: No, it’s for next episode. Sorry.
Kim: [sobs] I can’t wait that long!
Sequoia: Sorry!
Kim: All right. Anyway, so if you have something you wanna share with us, we have a submissions form.
Sequoia: Yeah, send it to us.
Kim: Link’s in the description. Our thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song. It’s their amazing song, Wolfstar. I think that’s it.
Sequoia: Yay!
Kim: Got all the points we want we try to hit at the end? Who knows.
Sequoia: Something, something, something, something. [both laugh]
Kim: All right. Thanks for… thanks…
Sequoia: I’m so good at podcasting. No!
Kim: Jesus Christ, this is our tenth episode and we should be better at this by now, I feel like.
Sequoia: [laughing] Noooo!
Kim: We should like write this shit. Nope. Can’t do it.
Sequoia: Nope, nope, nope.
Kim: Gotta do it live, fuck it.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Fuck it, we’re doing it live. All right.
Sequoia: Bye!
Kim: Bye!