Episode 109: The Fourth Anniversary Special: An HP Tabletop RPG Adventure (Part 2)
This transcript was provided by Briar!
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[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: Part two of our table top RPG! [Sequoia makes wordless sounds] We’re… we’re… [Kim & Sequoia laugh] what was that?
Sequoia: I was… I don’t know.
Kim: We’re normally a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast, but today we’re not that. We are doing part two of a two parter. Do not start here. We’re happy to have you. How’s it going out there tonight?
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh my god.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: Already falling apart here in the studio.
Kim: Woohoo!
Sequoia: We’re really excited to bring you the second part of this. This.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: This this.
Kim: Yup, yup, yup, yup.
Sequoia: And we know that you all have been eagerly awaiting it. We’ve been hearing your calls, your screams.
Kim: Your…
Sequoia: Your…
Kim: …repeatedly listening to part one until part two comes out.
Sequoia: Over and over again, which cannot be good for your health.
Kim: Can’t be good.
Sequoia: So we are excited to present you with this today, but first we have to tell you that we lied to you. [Kim & Sequoia laugh]
Kim: I mean, we’re liars. We’re bad idiot liars. We are…
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, we are not good.
Kim: Some… a couple of bad people. You know, if you would just… [sighs]
Sequoia: What? [Kim laughs] If I were…
Kim: This is our fault. It’s our fault for travelling.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Shouldn’t have that.
Sequoia: I… I did…
Kim: Now you’re elsewhere.
Sequoia: …much many travellings.
Kim: And…
Sequoia: And so now…
Kim: And I’m gonna be elsewhere.
Sequoia: Then you’re gonna be elsewhere. So instead of coming back on the sixteenth with episode one hundred and ten of the podcast, we will be coming back on the thirtieth, but that doesn’t mean that you have to go without Sequoia Simone and Kim on a podcast.
Kim: Your favorite podcasting dynamic duo.
Sequoia: Because we are… I did convince Kim to come on But Make it Scary again to do my thirtieth birthday episode. [Kim laughs] So…
Kim: Happy almost birthday! [Sequoia sighs] But yeah, it’s almost your birthday…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …when this comes out.
Sequoia: Yeah, so you can check…
Kim: Thirty.
Sequoia: …the But Make It Scary feed on August twenty third to still…
Kim: Yeah, bud.
Sequoia: …hear both of us together.
Kim: Yeah, bud. Let’s give the people what they want.
Sequoia: Let’s give ‘em what they want. You know, you all said hey, that was fucking wild, but y’all don’t know what you’re about to get into, so let’s do a quick recap so we can do this.
Kim: Gonna make this as quick as possible. Here we go. Previously on Fanatical Fics: it’s the year after the second Voldemort war, and Dumbledore, who is there inexplicably, has decided to do something fun for the traumatised student body. There’s going to be a Biwizard Tournament. The tournament is going to be a live broadcast reality competition and dating show, featuring the most disastrously bisexual eighth year student from each house. After completing a series of challenges in the dungeon’s dungeon, the competitors will face off in a dance off and the winner will be crowned. We then met our competitors, Jabfrey Quincy Roney, a Gryffindor played by Ryan, Alexandria Cerulean January Delphinium Tourmaline Linoleum Smith, a Hufflepuff played by Kim, me. Sunshine Hummingbird McGee, a Slytherin played by Sequoia, and Jean Michel Am… Ambrosius, a sup… sup… sup… some… le Cousteauuu. In the dungeon’s dungeon, the four competitors talked veela Draco into letting them through the first room, and then Sunshine and Jab went on a disastrous date to Hawaii. Then our team of dummies faced their most difficult challenge yet, a door! After talking the door through its existential crisis and convincing Jeffrey to join them on their quest, we find our dummies mostly standing and Jean floating in the hallway outside.
[pause]
[fading in, everyone laughs]
Sequoia: What the fuck is in the…
Kim: So… okay, so I’m… I’ve got the Jean Michel balloon and I’m… [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: And…
Colin: The door. [laughs]
Kim: Carrying the door.
Hannah: Yeah, you’re carrying the door by yourself.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: i mean, you could give the Jean Michel balloon to me.
Kim: I think I’ll just tie Jean Michel to my belt. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Really we need to…
Kim: This is fine.
Sequoia: …figure out a way to get Jean Michel down. This is not okay. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Hey, boy. I’m beginning… I’m beginning to forget why I had to be floating in the first place. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Okay. As you enter… [laughs] as…
Sequoia: Oh! Oh! Wait, no, can I cast a spell really quick?
Hannah: Yeah, go ahead.
Sequoia: I’m gonna cast finite incantatem [everyone laughs] which is one of our fucking cantrips!
Kim: What do you mean? [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Amazing. Do that thing.
Colin: [laughing] What… what are you talking about?
Kim: What do you mean?
Sequoia: Oh, sorry, hm. That’s gonna be a four. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: You in fact do not do that thing.
Sequoia: Okay, great. If anybody else wants to take a whack at it, or just leave him as a balloon, that is…
Ryan: He seems…
Sequoia: Every… that’s all fine.
Kim: He seems happy.
Ryan: He seems happy up there. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Man, these guys wanna take a door with us but they won’t get Jean Michel out of the damn ceiling.
Kim: We’re bringing him!
Ryan: Yeah, he’s fine. He’s coming along. We’re all buds.
Hannah: My god! [everyone laughs] Okay, as… [laughs] as you guys enter into the hallway with the door and the floating balloon of Jean Michel [laughter] you once again hear the disembodied voice of Dumbledore say, ah, yes, very good, my friends, very good! Because of her invaluable help in the previous task, Al will be the recipient of the next date.
Kim: Oh!
Hannah: Either you pick for you or your date will be chosen for you.
Kim: Um.
Sequoia: I just… I just… I would like to… I’m gonna… am I really gonna do this? I am.
Kim: What are you doing?
Sequoia: I’m gonna cast a year six spell.
Hannah & Kim: Okay!
Hannah: Fuck.
Colin: Okay!
Kim: What are you doing?
Sequoia: I’m gonna cast muffliato…
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: …so that nobody can hear me talking to Al.
Kim: Oh!
Hannah: Oh, okay.
Colin: [laughing] Oh!
Ryan: Should we like take… take headphones off and…
Hannah: Should we have a secret moment?
Ryan: …go full character acting?
Kim: Yeah, go ahead.
Hannah: Okay, cool.
Sequoia: Do not go on the date with Jab.
Kim: He seems…
Sequoia: There was a thing.
Kim: He seems ni…
Sequoia: Okay, he will literally adhere himself to your appendages. [laughs]
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: So…
Kim: How roman…tic.
Sequoia: [laughs] So I really… [everyone laughs]
Ryan: You were talking very loudly. My [Sequoia laughs] ear plugging isn’t working.
Sequoia: Yep.
Ryan: I’m just gonna… [Kim & Sequoia laugh] I…
Sequoia: Now you know.
Hannah: Now you know.
Ryan: Like… like… yeah.
Sequoia: So I just wanted to let you know that maybe you wanna pick…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …instead of letting the hat pick for you.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Because…
Kim: You know, fate’s never steered me wrong before.
Sequoia: [sighing] All right. End of spell. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Go team! Go team! Okay, yes. What is your choice, Madam Al?
Kim: I’d like the hat to pick.
Hannah: Okay, cool! let’s do that thing then. Where’s my hat? Whoooo hey! [everyone laughs] Going to take your name out of the hat and then I’m going to have Jab be my hat. [singing] Jab, you are a hat. You’re a hat boy and it’s all mixed up. There you go. Pick a name. Pick a name! Oh, yeah.
Ryan: Oh, Sunny!
Kim & Sequoia: Oh!
Hannah: Nice.
Ryan: That’s not so bad. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Great. Got to go on a date again.
Hannah: You hear the disembodied voice shout, yes, Sunny, you are the date and you’re going to be the date escor… escee this time.
Sequoia: Okay.
Hannah: And…
Sequoia: I suppose I’ll go on another date.
Kim: How fun!
Ryan: Before they, like, take off, can I do a little booth confessional moment? [Hannah sings] And say, like, real confidently to the camera, there’s no way Al is gonna do a better date on Sunny than me. [everyone laughs] That was the perfect date! [everyone laughs] Over.
Hannah: [sings] As you and your date try to avoid con… eye contact, Al…
Kim: Oh!
Hannah: …embarrassed… okay, not embarrased. Excited about what’s to come.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Hannah: Yeah. Another beautiful door appears in front of you. As it swings open, the sound of what appears to be loud and raucous music…
Sequoia: Oh, shit!
Hannah: …pours through the bubble covering the door.
Colin: I’d like to point out that I think I’m still tied to Al’s belt. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Yeah, are you guys gonna do anything about that or are you going to bring Jean Michel with you?
Kim: I am not going to remember that he’s tied to my belt. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Cool. Are you still carrying Jeffrey? [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Jeffrey!
Kim: I think I’ll set… I’ll set Jeffrey down so that Jeffrey and Jab can hang out.
Hannah: Cool.
Ryan: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And then I am gonna accidentally take Jean Michel with us. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Cool. Nice throuple date, I like it. [everyone still laughing] Okay, as you pass through the door [Sequoia laughs] Jean Michel, briefly roll to see if you hit your head, please and thank you. [Sequoia laughs] I’m going to make you do this often.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Colin: That’s a three.
Sequoia: Somebody get him down!
Hannah: Okay.
Colin: That’s a three.
Hannah: You do in fact bonk your head… [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Damn.
Hannah: …as you pass through the bubble door. And you… you suddenly find yourself in the middle of a crowd as the sounds of a rock concert cascade around you.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Mhm.
Hannah: And as you look towards the stage, you recognise the band as the Ambivalent Pearl.
Sequoia: Nice!
Kim: Nice! [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my gosh! This is my favorite band!
Kim: I listen to music sometimes.
Sequoia: That’s so nondescript. You’re so cool! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: As they finish a rousing rendition of Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne, the voice of Tonks is magically projected through the hall as she shouts, [shouting] hello, wizarding world! We’re Ambivalent Pearl and we want revolution!
Sequoia: Woooooo!
Colin & Ryan: Wooo!
Kim: Oh, Jean?
Colin: Yes?
Kim: You’re here too! [everyone laughs]
Colin: Don’t mind me. I’m just hovering six feet above your date, but I won’t get in the way. Don’t worry about me. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh. I mean, we’re all friends here.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: Gotta keep the friends that we stil have close, since most of ‘em died.
Colin: Yes.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Colin: You never know, it could just be any day. Any second.
Kim: Could be any day.
Sequoia: You know, most of the Slytherins…
Kim: Oh, right.
Colin: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: …ended up fine, so…
Kim: That’s true, isn’t it?
Sequoia: It… it is, but I…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …was visiting home…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …during those… I’m from… I’m from the American midwest.
Kim: Oh! Transfer student?
Sequoia: No, actually I came to Hogwarts because [clears throat] I was especially requested by Dumbledore for me to [clears throat] come to Hogwarts because my… of my amazingly… [Colin laughs] because of my great power.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: I have this great… I possess this, just, you know, like…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …overwhelming…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …power.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: We’re not really sure what it is yet. It hasn’t really emerged…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …yet, but I have a lot of…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …power.
Colin: The last year… this is the last year of school. Wouldn’t it have to have emerged… wouldn’t you…
Sequoia: Jean Michel, you’re not part of the date!
Colin: Sorry. [everyone laughs]
Kim: I would like to go and do a confessional.
Hannah: Okay. [sings jingle]
Kim: If I have to hear about one more prophecy or fated set of powers, I think I’m going to tear my hair ouuuut! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: [sings jingle] Okay, in honor of the… Tonks is now shouting again. In honor of the Biwizard Tournament, we‘re taking one request from the three [everyone laughs] Hogwarts students who have appeared at the back of the hall! What’ll it be, kids?
Sequoia: Kiss from a Rose by…
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: …Seal!
Hannah: Sure! That’s not what we were expecting! [Sequoia laughs] And lets see here. The… the… a punk rock version of Kiss From a Rose begins playing.
Sequoia: Okay.
Hannah: [singing] Buh buh buh buh buh kiss from a rose on the grey!
Sequoia: Noice.
Hannah: Buh buh buh buh buh!
Sequoia: Toight.
Hannah: And you rock out. Yeah, do you have any additional conversation that you would like to have over the roar of the crowd?
[pause]
[Colin laughs]
Hannah: Cool.
Kim: No. [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: You stay and listen to the band play a few more songs after that happens, but after a while the door, able to sense that the date is wrapping itself up, [everyone laughs] magically appears in front of you and it opens up on its own, slowly beckoning you back towards adventure. So presumably you jump through the door.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: I’m gonna tug on the string holding Jean Michel so that he clears the doorway this time.
Colin: Oh!
Hannah: Oh, that’s very nice of you.
Kim: Yeah.
Hannah: Okay.
Kim: I didn’t notice him last time! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Cool, so you… you make your way past the door, and as you return to the hallway and the rest of your friends, are you and Jeffrey having any sort of a conversation when they return?
Ryan: Yeah, we’re kind of sitting in awkward silence, and I need a lit… a quick confessional. [Hannah sings jingle] So I… I say to the camera, I thought Jeffy and I were gonna turn this into a little date of our own, and Jeffy was great. He asked me about my interests and my shop class, and I started talking about how much I like woodworking and it just… he didn’t like that at all. [everyone sighs] Oh, boy. Rough date. I don’t think it’s gonna work out between me and Jeffy. [everyone murmurs] I wish him the best. Great door. [everyone laughs] [Hannah sings jingle] But…
Hannah: Okay, no, we’re still going. ‘Kay.
Ryan: No, I… it’s… it’s over.
Hannah: Okay.
Ryan: I j… [everyone laughs] the camera fades out while I’m just awkwardly sort of staring.
Colin: Great door! Middl… middling slam poet. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Cool. You guys return to the hall, and at the end of the hallway the door to the next room clicks as it unlocks and swings itself open.
Sequoia: I’m not gonna go into the room first this time. [Kim laughs] I’m just saying.
Kim: I mean, I’m gonna pick up ol’ Jeffrey [everyone laughs] and head towards that door.
Hannah: Cool, cool.
Kim: The three of us.
Hannah: Wow, this is so exciting, guys! Welcome back! How… how was your date?
Kim: Oh, you know. [sighs] It’s kinda loud.
Hannah: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: Don’t like rock concerts.
Kim: What’d you think Jean?
Sequoia: You don’t like rock concerts?
Colin: Jean just gives Jeffrey a look like mmm. [everyone laughs] Didn’t go so well! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Well, I guess maybe I’ll just leave it at that. Oh, that’s another door! Look at that!
Kim: Yeah.
Hannah: Do you think he does slam poetry now too?
Kim: Maybe.
Hannah: Let’s go ask him.
Kim: All right.
Hannah: Okay.
Sequoia: Wait, wait, wait. Can I… can I… can I try to get Jean Michel off the ceiling again?
Hannah: Oh yeah, go ahead. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: [dice rattle] Ahhh yes that’s gonna be a nine.
Hannah: Oh, amazing. So you cast finite incatatem and describe to me what happens.
Sequoia: I cast finite incantatem and it’s so powerful that [laughs] Jean Michel drops… [everyone laughs] drops a good…
Kim: Do you not warn us?
Sequoia: …ten to twelve feet without any warning whatsoever. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Roll a d4 damage, Jean Michel. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: That was three damage.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: God!
Hannah: It was a hard floor.
Kim: I think him suddenly hitting the floor is also gonna like tug me backwards.
Hannah: Oh, yeah, okay. You and Jeffrey should also [everyone laughs] roll for damage.
Sequoia: Does… does Jeffrey… does Jeffrey have HP?
Hannah: Yeah, you can break a door! [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Can I do…
Kim: It’s okay, it’s just a one.
Ryan: …have a reflex move? I see Jeffrey falling and I… even though we had that bad date, I care for Jeffrey very much and so I… I use spongify.
Hannah: Oh!
Ryan: A softening charm.
Hannah: Uh huh.
Ryan: On the ground just under Jeffrey.
Hannah: Oh.
Ryan: Not the… not the other two. [everyone laughs]
Colin: I’m fine!
Hannah: Nice. Okay, roll to make that happen.
Ryan: Five, I guess.
Hannah: Okay. On your magic.
Ryan: Even with my modifier, yeah.
Hannah: Okay, cool. Then that doesn’t happen. We’ll stop there.
Ryan: Oh, Jeffrey!
Hannah: Jeffrey goes [splutters]. Wow, this is full of adventures! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: I’ve also fallen on the floor again.
Hannah: Before.
Sequoia: Says Jeffrey.
Kim: Oh, man, it sucks that that charm wore off just then, Jean.
Colin: [breathlessly] No, I’m okay. I’m… I think I just got the wind knocked out of me a little bit, but my resolve remains [everyone laughs] okay. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Okay, good. As you all dust yourselves off, would you like to have any more escapades or would you like to continue on?
Sequoia: We can continue on.
Kim: Yeah.
Hannah: Okay, cool, cool. You pick up… you pick up Jean Michel at… well, Jean Michel picks himself up. [everyone laughs] Dusts himself off. You pick up Jeffrey.
Kim: I do pick up Jeffrey, why not? [laughs]
Hannah: You dust him off and you’re continuing to carry him by yourself because you are stronk.
Kim: Yep.
Hannah: And yeah, you all continue on into the next room. As you walk through the door at the end of the hall, you find a dimly lit stone room featuring only a pedestal in the center. A pillar of light illuminates the pedestal from a hole in the ceiling that appears to lead outside. From where you’re standing you can see that there’s a plaque with words that you can’t quite make out attached to the front of the pedestal, and something that looks like a deck of cards placed in the center of the pedestal.
Colin: I would like to read the plaque.
Hannah: Okay.
Colin: I read the plaque.
Hannah: You walk over and you read the plaque, and then it’s… the plaque says, once chaos reigns over all, then the way forward will appear.
Colin & Sequoia: Ooh!
Colin: Jeffrey, I’m afraid you’re… you’re… I’m afraid we lied…
Hannah: And you are…
Colin: …and you’re not a door.
Hannah: Oh no!
Sequoia: Oh no!
Ryan: Oh no! Jean, how could you?
Hannah: What? [everyone laughs]
Kim: Don’t listen to him, Jeffrey!
Sequoia: Don’t listen to him, Jeffrey!
Hannah: But I just barely came to… no!
Sequoia: Jeffrey, don’t listen to him!
Kim: Don’t listen to him.
Hannah: Okay.
Ryan: You’re the best door I know, buddy.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Hannah: Well, thank you. That’s really sweet of you. Okay, well, what about that deck of cards, then?
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: There’s a whole deck?
Sequoia: Oh, there’s a de… oh, there’s a… there’s an actual deck of cards.
Kim: It might be best if not Jean Michel picks up the cards. [everyone laughs]
Colin: I… I pick up the cards.
Kim: Ah, great.
Hannah: You are unable to pick up all of the cards at once. You are only able… you see… it’s…
Colin: Oh, I see why. I thought you were afraid of my mischief.
Kim: No.
Hannah: Oh! No.
Sequoia: No, it’s because there’s literal cards.
Hannah: I made a prop.
Colin: I pass the cards to whoever’s closest to me.
Hannah: Okay, cool.
Sequoia: It’s Jab.
Hannah: Cool. Jab is holding a deck of cards.
Kim: Cool.
Ryan: Well, what do you think’s in these, gang? Shall I look at them?
Sequoia: Some type of choas.
Kim: Definitely look at them.
Ryan: Should I shuffle them?
Hannah: If you would like to.
Sequoia: Shuffle them. I’d like… I… I’m gonna… wait, no, I wanna draw the top card.
Kim: Sunny, are you okay?
Sequoia: I am now. My body has vanished into the void.
Kim: Oh!
Ryan: Oh, sh…
Colin: Oh no.
Sequoia: And my consciousness has been transferred into a small enamel pin hidden under the deck of cards.
Kim: [laughs] All right! Cool.
Sequoia: You can repair me or the… it will fade after twenty four hours. I can still do magic, though.
Kim: All right. I’m gonna pick up the pin and pin it to myself. I wanna collect…
Ryan: No.
Kim: …all of the friends. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: No, wait, do we… do we realise…
Colin: The party.
Ryan: …that this has happened? Like, we just see you disappear.
Hannah: Yeah, you do. You do have the ability to speak as a pin, too.
Ryan: Oh.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Hello, my body has been sucked into the void! It is I, Sunny. I am in the pin. Someone please…
Kim: Got ‘em.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Colin: How do we know it’s you and not some kind of demon in the pin, hmmm? Say something only Sunny would know.
Sequoia: I was raised at a commune in midwestern…
Colin: Okay.
Sequoia: …America. [everyone laughs]
Colin: That checks out.
Kim: You know, actually, on second thought, would somebody else take this pin? [everyone laughs]
Ryan: I feel like this is on my conscience because I gave her the card, so I’ll take the…
Kim: All right.
Ryan: …Sunny pin.
Sequoia: All right, fine.
Hannah: Cool.
Sequoia: I guess you could leave me with Jab.
Hannah: Would you like to wear the Sunny pin?
Ryan: Oh yeah.
Hannah: Okay, cool.
Ryan: I’ll pin it right to my cape.
Hannah: Cool.
Ryan: That’s one thing about my character I don’t think I mentioned. I took my usual school robe and cut out the front and sides so it’s a cape.
Hannah: That’s cool. Into it.
Ryan: Just kinda the… the collar of the cape there.
Kim: That was really necessary information that I wish you’d given us earlier.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Ryan: Sorry, I… I got kinda tied up by the rest of my fully fleshed out and backstoried character. [everyone laughs] Here, Al, have this.
Kim: Ooh, I’ll take a card!
Sequoia: WHY?
Kim: Oh! I am magically transported to Times Square in New York City.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: I stand there confused for thirty seconds, when suddenly I transport back. When I pop back into the cave I can sense that somehow I have become more hot. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Oh, hey, Al! You were gone for like thirty seconds but now you… you’re back and you’re… are you hotter?
Kim: Was I not hot before?
Ryan: Well, you were pretty hot but…
Sequoia: You were sort of… I mean, you were fine before. [laughs]
Kim: Oh.
Ryan: You seem hotter.
Sequoia: You were sort of nondescript before, but now your features… I think I could actually describe them with real words. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Well, I want Jean to be hotter too, so Jean, here, take this.
Hannah: Damn, that’s rude to Jean. [everyone laughs] Says no one in particular. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Could be Jeffrey.
Hannah: Could… Jeffrey, I guess. [throatily] Oh, good.
Ryan: Oh no.
Hannah: Okay, Jean Michel, a card is handed to you. When you pick it up you can see that it seems to have a drawing of two people swapping places, and…
Kim: Oh no.
Hannah: …your consciousness swaps places with one of the other people on the team. And I want you to roll a d4 so that we can find out whose body you switch into.
Ryan: Jeffrey is an option, right?
Hannah: Yep.
Kim: That’s why it’s a d4.
Ryan: Good, good.
Sequoia: Jeffrey’s an option, and you could just become a pin and I could have a body back. [everyone laughs]
Colin: [dice roll] It’s a one.
Hannah: Once again you… as you look at the card, your vision begins to fade to black, sort of like at the end of a… of an old fashioned movie. And when your vision comes back you seem to be staring out of Jab’s chest.
Sequoia: [shouting] YES! [everyone laughs] I got my body! I got A body back! It’s not mine! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: And yes, Sunny, you are in fact now in Jean Michel’s body. [Colin laughs]
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: The game is a pin. [everyone laughs]
Colin: The game is a pin!
Ryan: Well, Jab pats the pin…
Colin: Take good care of my beautiful body.
Ryan: …a little too hard.
Hannah: That was a terrible reference. I loved it.
Ryan: And says, well, welcome to my chest, buddy.
Colin: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ow! Ow! [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Sit tight, we’re going for a ride.
Hannah: Awesome.
Kim: All right, I think it’s Jab or Jeffrey’s turn.
Ryan: Well, Jab is terrified of these cards, so he’s just gonna pop one into Jeffrey’s mouth.
Hannah: Okay, so Jeffrey… it slides into his mouth. He goes, umrumrumrumrum. [everyone laughs] Oh my god! And…
Kim: Oh no. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: …as Jeffrey the door swallows this card…
Kim: Uh huh.
Hannah: …another magical door appears in front of him.
Kim: Uh huh.
Hannah: As it sss… as it swings open you… you all can see through the door…
Kim: Uh huh.
Hannah: …that a tiny baby has been left on the doorstep.
Sequoia: What the fuck?
Colin: Oh no!
Hannah: It is Jeffrey’s child. [everyone laughs]
Kim: This is a small door?
Colin: So many questions. Is it a dollhouse door?
Sequoia: Is it a… yeah, is it a small door or is it a… or is it a…
Hannah: I think in fact the magical door could sense the species of the individual who ate the card and it is a tiny door swaddled in baby clothing. [Sequoia shrieks]
Ryan: Like a little dollhouse door that we get to carry! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Yep. It also has a face that comes out of it.
Kim: This is Jeffrey’s child.
Hannah: This is Jeffrey’s child.
Sequoia: This is Jeffrey’s child. So fucking good!
Ryan: This is the most powerful character arc. [everyone laughs]
Kim: What have we wrought?
Sequoia: Jab still needs to do one.
Ryan: Oh, I was hoping nobody would notice. Okay.
Hannah: J… first… first, before that happens, Jeffrey goes, ahhh I’ve always wanted to be a parent! Yes, please bring me my child! [Kim laughs]
Ryan: I guess Jab gets the… goes and picks up the baby and hands it to…
Kim: Hands it to?
Colin: Think you’re gonna have to hang on to it.
Ryan: I guess I’m hanging onto that.
Hannah: Thank you for holding onto my baby for me.
Kim: Let’s see.
Hannah: Oh, it’s so beautiful.
Kim: Maybe we can do some magic here that could figure this out. Wait a second.
Ryan: We could levitate the baby.
Colin: Accio baby? Nope. [everyone laughs] Already… already looking at him.
Kim: What if he stuck the baby to the door or me?
Ryan: Oh, that’s good.
Hannah: Okay.
Colin: [laughing] Okay.
Hannah: And how are you going to do that?
Sequoia: With the bonding thing.
Hannah: Oh!
Ryan: Yeah, I now know a spell that does this.
Kim: Yeah, you know, some kinda… you know, some kinda sticky spell.
Ryan: Yeah, I’ll…
Kim: I heard earlier.
Ryan: I’ll put my sticky stuff on this…
Sequoia: Nope, don’t do it! [laughs]
Colin: Say it. Finish… finish the sentence.
Sequoia: Don’t say it out loud!
Ryan: End of… end of sentence. I do that, though. I cast epoximise and I just stick the baby door…
Kim: Baby to…
Ryan: …to your back.
Kim: Yeah, to Al’s back.
Ryan: A little Yoda.
Hannah: Thank you so much for caring for my child, Al. You are truly an invaluable friend. Now it is Jab’s turn to pull a card from the top of the deck.
Ryan: I become madly obsessed with the next person I make eye contact with. Roll a d4 to decide who it is. So the number…
Hannah: Replace yourself with Jeffrey.
Ryan: I was just assuming that that was the case. Oh! Sunny!
Sequoia: Oh nooo!
Ryan: Sunny!
Kim: Great. Sunny… Sunny’s body or Sunny’s person?
Sequoia: Oh!
Ryan: Huh.
Hannah: Who is in Sunny’s body?
Kim: Jean Michel.
Sequoia: Which is a pin on Jab’s chest. [everyone laughs] I think that’s funny.
Ryan: I think I’m madly in love with this pin on my… my collar. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Yeah, I’m into it. Let’s do that. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Pin! [everyone laughs]
Colin: Yes.
Sequoia: Jean Michel inside my body that’s a pin.
Kim: What… what shape is the pin? Is it… is it any pin in particular?
Sequoia: It doesn’t… it doesn’t specify, so I guess I could specify.
Hannah: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Please specify.
Hannah: What does the pin look like?
Sequoia: The pin is two katanas crossed, and it says shing shing!
Kim: Ooh! Available…
Hannah: Shing shing!
Kim: …to our patrons as exclusive merch! [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Be careful, you might fall in love with it. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Hannah: Disgusting. [dramatically] In a world [everyone laughs] where Fanatical Fics sells enamel pins [everyone laughs] one pin is so sexy you’ll… [everyone laughs] and fall in love with it. Okay. That has happened. You are now in love.
Kim: Excellent. We are… so… so I think we’ve been right fucked up, as a group.
Hannah: Yes.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yep.
Hannah: Correct.
Sequoia: Yep, that seems… chaos seems to have rained down upon us.
Hannah: And…
Kim: I mean, some of us got out okay. [everyone laughs] Some of us are hot now. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Some of us are are a pin that says shing shing. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: And some of us are fathers.
Sequoia: And some of us are Jean Michel and it’s two of us. [everyone laughs] That are Jean Michel. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: And some of us is a dad!
Sequoia: Yeah!
Hannah: Hooray!
Sequoia: Jeffrey.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: What’s your baby’s name?
Hannah: Oh my goodness! Hmm, you know what? Al, you’ve been such a good friend. [Kim gasps]
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Hannah: I think that I’m going to name my baby Al Junior. [Kim gasps]
Sequoia: Aw.
Colin & Ryan: Aw.
Sequoia: You can call the baby Al.
Hannah: You can call my baby Al. [everyone laughs] Do you have to add that song…
Kim: Maybe.
Hannah: …to the playlist now?
Kim & Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: We do. [everyone laughs] Maybe don’t call the baby Al, though, because that might be confusing.
Sequoia: Al Junior.
Ryan: Al Junior.
Hannah: Al Junior.
Kim: As it’s stuck to my back.
Colin: Al Junior.
Kim: So it might be hard to tell which of us you’re looking at and referring to.
Hannah: Yeah. The baby makes gurgle… happy gurgling noises on your back.
Kim: Gurgling door noises. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: As the chaos reigns over the small room…
Kim: The chaos settles into our bones.
Hannah: Yep. You hear…
Sequoia: Yeah. Uh huh. If we have them.
Colin: [laughing] If they have bones.
Sequoia: Jean Michel doesn’t have bones right now. Okay.
Hannah: If one is in the possession of bones, they can feel chaos inside of them.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Mhm.
Hannah: If not, they sense it in the air.
Everyone: Mhm.
Hannah: And you hear the great groaning noise of stone against stone as the pedestal begins to sink into the floor.
Sequoia: Ooh!
Hannah: Once it is flush with the floor, a great twisting spiral staircase rises up in its place, opening up a way forward.
Kim: Hmm.
Hannah: And before you are able to begin climbing the stairs, the magical date door appears in front of you.
[everyone gasps]
[everyone laughs]
Hannah: Who all has been picked for… to… for… to go for… to have date now?
Kim: We all went on dates.
Sequoia: Well, Jean Michel hasn’t technically gone on a date, but he is currently a pin on…
Colin: Can take…
Sequoia: …Jeb. Jab.
Ryan: Oh, I can just chaperone Jean, and Jeffrey hasn’t had a date.
Hannah: Yes.
Sequoia: Jeffrey also hasn’t had a date.
Hannah: That’s true. Jean Michel!
Colin: Yay!
Hannah: Since you are the only one who hasn’t been picked to be the magical date initiator yet, you get to go on a magical date, and since you brought along a new friend I’m gonna pick him as the datee. [Sequoia laughs] Jeffrey, congratulations…
Kim: Oh.
Hannah: …on your child. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Wait.
Sequoia: Jeffrey’s going on a date!
Kim: Jab, are you gonna carry Jeffrey or am I gonna carry Jeffrey?
Ryan: Oh, no, I’ll… I’ll chaperone them both.
Colin: Am I the pin?
Sequoia: Yeah, you’re gonna take…
Colin: Going on the date?
Ryan: Because…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Hannah: You’re a pin going on a date.
Colin: Or is Sunny in my body going? Okay. [laughs]
Hannah: Yeah, no, you’re the pin going on a date.
Colin: Okay.
Ryan: But because I am in love with the body that was Sunny’s which is now the pin…
Kim: Yeah.
Ryan: …which is you but not really.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: Uh huh.
Ryan: I’m so confused.
Colin: Little love triangle.
Kim: Yeah.
Ryan: On my insides.
Hannah: Cool! I’m gonna have you strength check to… whatever that equivalent is, to pick up the door, since you technically haven’t carried it yet.
Ryan: Eight plus whatever strength modifier. What would a strength modifier be?
Sequoia: Bravery?
Hannah: Bravery, yeah.
Ryan: Plus one. Nine. Okay, that seems good.
Hannah: Stronk.
Kim: Nice.
Hannah: You pick up the door.
Ryan: Okay. I’ll stay out of the way. You two have fun!
Kim: We’ll keep an eye on Al here.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Have fuuun!
Sequoia: Byeee!
Colin: Goodbye, everyone.
Hannah: Goodbye! I’m so excited! Oh my goodness! ‘Kay. [clears throat] [Sequoia laughs] As the beautiful date door opens, you hear the sounds of bagpipes…
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Hannah: …and you smell haggis drifting through the bubble.
Sequoia: [whispering] What the fuck? [Colin laughs]
Hannah: As, Jab, you step through the bubble with the two datees, you can see that you have entered into a castle. As you look around…
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Hannah: …you can tell that you sem to be in the great hall of a Scottish castle, and your instincts tell you that you are also somehow in Brazil.
Sequoia: Yes! [everyone laughs]
Kim: All right.
Hannah: In front of…
Sequoia: Ooh, that’s a deep cut. I like it! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Deep cut.
Hannah: In front of you, you see an elaborately decorated dining table. The room is lit by thousands of candles, and there is a sign that says, wish for what you would like to eat and it will appear.
Sequoia: Ooh!
Hannah: As you get… Jab, you go and you place the door, Jeffrey, at one end of the table, sort of leaning up against something. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Neither of these people can eat! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: And then you take your… your own body and the pin to the opposite end of the long dining table.
Ryan: I wanna give them some privacy, so I’m gonna take the pin off of me.
Hannah: Oh, okay.
Ryan: As much as it… it pains me to do this.
Hannah: Yeah.
Ryan: And I kinda take your pointy end and put you in a loaf of bread or something.
Hannah: Okay. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Just leave you two alone, and I say, have fun! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Hannah: Awesome. Are you gonna go off to the side a little?
Ryan: Yeah, the… the infinite buffet of whatever I want, I’m gonna go to town.
Hannah: Cool.
Ryan: But this isn’t about me! You guys have fun! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god, you are the only one that can eat! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: As the rest of you are inanimate objects, you are incapable of eating. However, you may still wish for something and it will appear in front of you, should you… should you choose to do so.
Colin: Very good. I wish for a wedge salad, lobster thermidor, and a Cabernet. No. Yeah. Yeah, Cabernet. [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: Nice. That all appears. It’s very beautifully plated and smells delicious.
Colin: Ooh.
Hannah: Unfortunately…
Colin: I wish I could smell it. I wish I had a nose.
Hannah: Unfortunately you do not have senses.
Sequoia: Colin, you haven’t had any… haven’t had any confessionals yet.
Hannah: Yeah.
Colin: I haven’t had any confessionals!
Hannah: You need a confessional time.
Kim: Tell us about a mystery that you did.
Colin: I… [laughs] I… [Hannah sings jingle] I turn… I turn to the camera and say, well, I had hoped to show my skills in the dance competition, but this seems… between me and Jeffrey I think we might have a hard time of that. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh no, I forgot about the dance competition. Damnit!
Colin: This does of course remind me of my famous case of the purloined quaffle, of which I am sure you are all aware. Of [everyone laughs] the exploits of Jean Michel Ambrosius Aristide de le Cousteau, teenage detective. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Amazing. Is that your confessional?
Colin: That’s my confessional.
Hannah: Cool. [sings jingle] Back at the table, Jeffrey would also like a confessional.
Kim: Okay.
Hannah: [sings jingle] [everyone laughs] Jeffrey is in the confessional booth looking very excited, and he says, wow, earlier today I didn’t even know what I was! Now I know that I’m a door, a friend, a father, [everyone laughs] a person on a date! If only I could eat! I feel like maybe I’ll try today. Maybe I’ll take a risk. Oh yeah, and I’m an artist! [beeps] [everyone laughs] Jean Michel, excuse me, Jeffrey wishes for…
Ryan: I assume that…
Hannah: …polishing oil.
Kim: Mhm.
Ryan: I was gonna say some good varnish. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Tried to think of what a door would eat. Some good polishing oil, and it does in fact appear in front of him and he sort of slams his face forward into the hole of the… [everyone laughs]
Kim: Nice.
Hannah: And drinks it all up. All up. And as you guys settle into your seat or to your food, you can see that next to your plate there is a stack of cards with what appear to be a series of questions meant to prompt conversation.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Colin: Oh, I love this game.
Ryan: Do I need to do the cards for them?
Hannah: Yeah, actually, you…
Ryan: Okay.
Hannah: …might need to.
Ryan: I’ll do that.
Hannah: Jeffrey shouts at you, oh, my… my good friend, would you maybe… I don’t know how to read as I am in fact a door! Would you maybe come and help me? [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Of course! Yes, I’d be happy to.
Hannah: Cool.
Ryan: Can I just pick a random one?
Hannah: Yeah, just pick a random one and ex… describe pulling the card.
Ryan: Okay, what sound do cards make? Carrrd. [everyone laughs]
Kim: There are literally cards on the table.
Ryan: Oh right. Well, this… this card just says, would you rather? So Jean, Jeffrey, make up a would you rather question.
Hannah: Oh! Hm, well, Jean Michel, would you rather eat your own left foot or a bug?
Colin: [laughs] I guess I… I would take the bug, Jeffrey. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: I can see the logic behind that. I think that’s a wise decision. Do you have a would you rather question for me?
Colin: I’m… I’m coming up with one. I do also want to apologise for trying to convince you that you weren’t a door briefly earlier. [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: Oh, yes.
Colin: I was only trying to maximise the chaos in the room, but I realise sending you into another existential crisis would have been a little cruel.
Hannah: I appreciate that apology. All is forgiven amongst us.
Colin: Would you rather go into another existential crisis [everyone laughs] but win… but you win the competition, or not go into another existential crisis and lose the competition?
Hannah: Ooh, this is a very difficult question. Hum. I mean, what is the prize for this again?
Colin: I’ve forgotten. The prize is prestige and to have solved the great… the greatest caper of all.
Hannah: Oh good. Okay.
Colin: How this started and why we’re here. [everyone laughs] Which segues nicely to your existential crisis.
Hannah: This is true. Why are we here? I mean, would be valuable information to be able to pass on to my child! It would… I suppose for the sake of my child I would gain that knowledge and pass through another existential crisis.
Colin: Hm. That’s very… that’s very noble of you, Jeffrey.
Hannah: Thank you. I try really hard to be a good father.
Colin: I can tell and, I… [everyone laughs] honestly, I’m really impressed with you, and I… I’m glad that we took you off your hinges. [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: Thank… honestly, it… it has been very freeing for me as well.
Colin: Mhm. For someone who’s unhinged, you…
Hannah: Ahhh!
Colin: …sure seem to have it together. [Colin and Hannah fake laugh] [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my goodness.
Hannah: You have any more questions?
Ryan: Hey, about… about another question, guys? [everyone laughs] This time Jab finds a card that sounds like a normal card. [thunking sound]
Hannah: That was good.
Ryan: And it says, what is something that you’re proud of?
Hannah: Oh, I’d like to hear you first, Jean Michel. I went first last time.
Colin: Well, I hate to sound like a one trick pony, but I’m probably most proud of my illustrious career as boy detective, solving magical mysteries throughout Hogwarts castle, as I’m sure… and he turns to the camera. As you are all aware, collected in my… collected in… in… in my memoir, coming out this summer. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: I’m very excited to read it.
Colin: Yes.
Hannah: I’ll have to… I’ll have to go and get on my, mmm, wizarding prime account. [everyone laughs] And order a copy. Could I perhaps get it signed once it arrives? Well, you don’t have appendages currently. Maybe once you have arms again.
Colin: Once… if I get arms again I’d love to sign a copy for you.
Hannah: I did also reveal earlier that I didn’t know how to read. I’ll get the audiobook. [everyone laughs]
Colin: [laughing] Maybe best.
Hannah: Can… can you… can you sign my audiobook copy? [everyone laughs]
Colin: Yeah, I’d be happy to sign whatever you come up with, Jeffrey.
Hannah: Fantastic, thank you. Thank you, my good friend. Were you to have asked me that question approximately give or take thirty minutes ago [everyone laughs] I would have said that I was most proud of my burgeoning artistic talent, but as of five minutes ago I am most proud of my child. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Really speeding through those milestones. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: My life has taken quite a turn today. It was a whole lot of nothing, and then a whole lot of something. [everyone laughs] I’m just taking the hits as it comes.
Ryan: Would you love birds like another question?
Hannah: Let’s do one more.
Colin: Let’s do a last question.
Ryan: Okay, here. What’s the most embarrassing thing you can remember that’s happened to you?
Hannah: Is it okay if I go first on this one, Jean Michel?
Colin: Of course.
Hannah: Okay, I would have to say that it would probably be what happened approximately thirty five minutes ago. [Sequoia laughs] When I… my good best friend Al shoved her entire fist and arm down my throat. [everyone laughs] That was a little embarrassing, but it was necessary for science, so, you know, you win some, you lose some in life as a door. Please, what… what is yours? Please… please indulge me.
Colin: Well, I had to say I was very embarrassed when I was on that date. When I was hovering above that date before. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: I can imagine.
Colin: Talk… talk about awkward. [laughs]
Hannah: Did it not… did it not go well?
Colin: It didn’t seem to go very well. Not a lot of chem… not a lot of chemistry.
Hannah: Huh.
Colin: Mhm.
Hannah: That’s unfortunate. What did you guys end up doing?
Colin: We went to a concert.
Hannah: Oh!
Colin: The Ambivalent Pearl.
Hannah: Oh!
Colin: They were great. Yeah.
Hannah: I have never heard of them before. I’ll have to look them up.
Colin: Yeah, go… go on your wizardTunes account and dowload their latest album. The two disc set. It’s really good.
Hannah: Nice.
Colin: Yeah.
Hannah: Nice. I definitely will do that. I’m sorry that that happened, though, that sounds unfortunate. I’m sure that they were definitely comforted by your presence. [everyone laughs]
Colin: I’d like to think so. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Fantastic.
Colin: Maybe. Maybe hovering above them, they weren’t really allowed to be themselves, but…
Hannah: Oh.
Colin: …you know, Jeffrey, somebody’s got to win this competition and I am f… I am feeling the vibe right now with this door.
Hannah: You know what? I… I’m also feeling a vibe right now, my good friend. I… how do you f… how do you feel about children? [everyone laughs]
Colin: You know what? It’s not something I’ve to th… had to think about before, being a teenage boy detective, but [everyone laughs] I think [laughs] that… that that Al Junior sure is cute. He’s a cute little door.
Hannah: He is. I’m very proud of him and will continue to be proud of him, I’m sure. Yeah, I… this has been a beautiful date. I have very much enjoyed it and I would love to go on another one sometime soon.
Colin: Thank you! I would… yeah, I would also like to go on a date with you.
Hannah: Nice. We… we’ll… we’ll have to…
Colin: Jeffrey.
Hannah: I’ll have to figure out how I can get another babysitter and then we can figure it out.
Colin: We’ll figure… we’ll figure something out.
Ryan: Hey, can I do a confessional real quick?
Hannah: Yeah.
Ryan: Okay. [Hannah sings jingle] Looking at the camera. This is the most awkward I’ve ever felt in my life! [everyone laughs] I’m just… on one hand I’m just lacquering teak oil onto Jeffrey. He seems to like it. And then just listening to them go on and on. I hate this!
Everyone: Awwww!
Hannah: Poor Jeeeff!
Kim: Yeah.
Ryan: I wanna go home. [everyone groans]
Hannah: [sings jingle] [everyone laughs] Okay, as the date comes to a natural close, another magical door appears, beckoning us back towards our compatriots and our adventure.
Kim: Can we… can we do a scene?
Hannah: Yeah, go ahead.
Kim: Sunny, I wanna apologise. I think I’ve been a little rude.
Sequoia: Yeah. [everyone laughs]
Kim: I just… when you started talking about your extra special powers and whatnot it just really reminded me there was a prophecy about me.
Sequoia: No way!
Kim: Yeah, it’s just been kind of really difficult, you know… know. To be prophesied to be a wielder of great power but then all these terrible things happened last year and my great and terrible power just really didn’t manifest and…
Sequoia: I know exactly how that feels.
Kim: Yeah, it’s been really tough. And then the baby starts crying. [everyone laughs] Oh! Oh no, the baby’s crying. [Hannah cries] Sunny, can you… can you help?
Sequoia: Oh, yes, let me get… let me get the b… ohhh.
Kim: And then I turn my… I turn my back to Sunny.
Hannah: Sad baby noises. Sad.
Sequoia: Oh, the door. A little door.
Hannah: Sad, I’m so sad.
Sequoia: Oh, the little door.
Hannah: I’m so sad.
Ryan: Is the door speaking full English sentences? [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Yes.
Colin: Little door.
Ryan: I mean, I’m not here.
Colin: Insane door.
Sequoia: Listen, doors develop differently than humans.
Ryan: That’s fair.
Hannah: Those milestones go a lot faster.
Colin: That’s true.
Sequoia: Yeah. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Which you wouldn’t necessarily expect from an object that can stick around for centuries, but you know.
Hannah: Well, you know. Here we are.
Kim: All right, that’s what I had.
Hannah: Jab presumably picks up the pin and the door and you…
Ryan: Couple…
Hannah: …enter back.
Ryan: Couple servings of that lobster, also.
Sequoia: Yep.
Hannah: Grab the lobster to go, stick it in a pocket of your cape. Okay. Cape pocket. And you head back into the bubble door thing.
Ryan: Hey, we’re back, guys!
Sequoia: Hi.
Kim: Hey!
Sequoia: How was it?
Kim: Everything was fine here.
Hannah: It was lovely, thank you so much for asking.
Sequoia: Oh good!
Kim: Your… Al Junior did great.
Hannah: Oh good, I’m so proud of my little door man.
Kim: Sunny changed him.
Sequoia: I did.
Hannah: Oh, well, that’s ver… maybe… maybe we can have like an experience where I have you come and babysit every once in a while. I almost started talking like Dumbledore. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: That would be great!
Hannah: Awesome. I would pay you, of course, in…
Sequoia: Oh!
Colin: Sawdust.
Hannah: Sawdust! [Sequoia laughs] Shave it off of my body!
Colin, Ryan & Sequoia: Ohh!
Sequoia: Jesus!
Ryan: That’s… [everyone laughs] that just got grim. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Take of my flesh. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: My god!
Hannah: Flesh is flesh.
Ryan: Oh no.
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Hannah: Okay, you guys begin to climb the stairs, and as you reach the top of the spiral staircase you can see that you are standing on an island in the middle of the lake.
Sequoia: Oh.
Hannah: You can see that the sun is setting to the west, painting the sky with beautiful shades of red and orange and pink, and as your eyes adjust to the light you look out towards the castle and you can see that the whole school appears to be gathered on the lawn to watch you. sgasps
Kim: Huh.
Hannah: Dumbledore is standing on the water a few hundred feet in front of you. He seems to just be standing on water. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Sure.
Hannah: He magically projects his voice to say, ohohoho!
Sequoia: [laughs] Goddamnit!
Hannah: My good friends, you‘ve done a very good job so far, but before you can choose your dates and go to the Yule Ball for your final dance battle competition, you must defeat my little friend!
Sequoia: Oh my god! [Colin laughs]
Hannah: As he shouts this…
Kim: Oh no.
Hannah: …he begins to rise into the air, revealing…
Kim: Oh no.
Hannah: …that he was actually standing on the head of the giant squid!
Sequoia: Yeahhhhh! [everyone shouts]
Ryan: The squid!
Hannah: [yelling] Tentacles flail in the air around you, splashing you with water! Roll for initiative! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Okay.
Hannah: Okay, so Jab was [laughs] fucking ready, and so he is, wand at the ready, holding Jeffrey…
Kim: Oh yeah, you’re holding Jeffrey.
Sequoia: Holding jeffrey.
Ryan: Also holding Jean…
Hannah: And also holding Jean Michel.
Kim: Shit.
Hannah: And…
Kim: This fight’s gonna go really well. [everyone laughs] I can tell.
Hannah: I’m going to give you an equivalent of an encumbered so long as you hold the door. [Sequoia laughs]
Ryan: I’m not leaving my pal Jeffy behind!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Ryan: I mean Jeffrey. I keep saying Jeffy.
Hannah: So you have disadvantage as long as you’re holding the door.
Ryan: I guess… I don’t think we’re gonna romance the squid successfully.
Kim: You could try!
Hannah: You could try.
Ryan: I could try, but I think I’m gonna break out the spell that I saw in one of the grown up spell books.
Kim: Uh oh.
Everyone: Ohhhh.
Ryan: This was in that part of the library… like the NC17 part. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh nooo.
Ryan: Deprimo! I yell as I wave my little cylinder wand.
Sequoia: Is that the hole blasting spell?
Ryan: Yeah, that’s… that’s the… I’m gonna blast…
Kim: You’re gonna blast a hole in the squid?!
Hannah: Oh, damn!
Ryan: Well, I don’t know if it blasts an existing hole. [everyone laughs]
Kim: God. Fuck.
Hannah: Well, I mean…
Colin: You’re not gonna blast a new hole.
Hannah: You’re the one who gets to decide. Let’s roll with disadvantage.
Ryan: I’ve… I’ve never done this.
Hannah: ‘Cause you’re still holding the door.
Ryan: That’s gonna be a ten.
Hannah: Dirty hooboy! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: So what does…
Ryan: Now, I… in character I have no idea what the whole blasting charm does.
Kim: Great.
Hannah: Cool.
Ryan: I want you, my DM, to tell me what that does.
Hannah: Okay.
Ryan: Does the squid… like it? [everyone laughs] Or… or no.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Hannah: Uhhhm I’m gonna… I’m gonna…
Ryan: Did I make an enemy or a friend?
Hannah: I’m gonna… I’m gonna… I’m gonna flip a coin on that one. [everyone laughs] Let’s see here, do I have a coin?
Sequoia: Roll a something.
Ryan: I have a…
Kim: D4. Roll a d4.
Ryan: Odds or evens.
Hannah: Okay, if it’s… if it’s an even number then he likes it, if he’s… if it’s an odd number he does not in fact like it and it hurts him.
Sequoia: He didn’t like it.
Hannah: He has a new… you gave him a belly button.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Oh! Yeah, squids don’t have belly buttons.
Kim: Yeah.
Ryan: Well, I guess I’ll roll damage. [dice roll] Sorry! [everyone laughs] I yell. [Sequoia laughs] as I do seven damage.
Hannah: Oh wow, okay, he goes screeee! ‘Cause I don’t know what sound squids make, but…
Sequoia: That… I mean, that seems like it’s probably pretty close.
Hannah: Thank you.
Ryan: Can I do a confessional?
Kim: Yes. [Hannah sings jingle]
Sequoia: In the middle of a battle!
Kim: Obviously. When better?
Sequoia: Incredible.
Ryan: To the camera I say, I feel really bad about blasting that hole. I didn’t know what that would do. That’s all.
Hannah: [sings jingle] That’s good. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Hannah: Cool. Next it is the squid’s turn. The squid is going to be… first it is going to look down at its new found belly button and it’s going to sort of poke a tentacle in there, see what’s about it, and then it’s gonna giggle a little ‘cause it tickles, and then it is going to fling one of its other tentacles at Jab and attempt to hit you. And it [dice roll] does in fact do that thing, and then it does [dice roll] three points of damage. Cool. Now it’s Al’s turn.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Is Al encumbered by having the baby on her back?
Hannah: Nah, the baby’s small.
Sequoia: Okay. Cool.
Hannah: But you do have to be careful.
Kim: I do have to be careful. Yeah. Okay, I’m gonna cast stellius, the sneezing hex.
Sequoia: Okay.
Hannah: Okay. Cool.
Kim: [dice roll] Got a nine.
Hannah: Nice. You shoot that, and it does in fact work.
Kim: Stellius! And I want the squid to sneeze a lot.
Hannah: Okay, the… the squid…
Kim: Like… like I just blasted it with like dust.
Hannah: Oh, okay, so the dust goes all up into its various orifices, including its new belly button, and…
Ryan: Oh no.
Hannah: …it goes [vocalising] whooooouh whoooonjuummuuh whoo jmhu drrdredrdrdsafdshaf!
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Kim: Uh huh. I think I’m gonna yell…
Hannah: And it…
Kim: …it’s not nice to hit my friends!
Hannah: That is valid.
Sequoia: Oh good.
Hannah: You shout that as a giant wave of water comes and splashes…
Kim: Oh.
Hannah: …onto all of you.
Kim: It goes in my ohhmhmpmm. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: And I am now going to have you… there isn’t a… a wet condition on the… this experience, but you should all note inside of your minds that you are in fact wet now. [everyone laughs]
Kim: All right, I’m gonna write that on my sheet.
Colin: Wet.
Kim: Weeet.
Ryan: How wet exactly? Just…
Hannah: Quite.
Ryan: Real wet. Okay.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, we got hit by like a tidal wave.
Hannah: Yeah.
Kim: Nice.
Ryan: On your form there, write extra wet.
Kim: Okay.
Hannah: Extra wet.
Colin: Drenched.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Hannah: Wet.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Done. Noted.
Hannah: Cool. Is that your turn?
Kim: Yeah.
Hannah: ‘Kay. Sunny, it’s your turn.
Sequoia: ‘Kay, I’m going to cast the tickling hex directly at that new belly button. [everyone laughs] An eleven.
Hannah: Hooboy! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Hooboyyy!
Hannah: Hooboy!
Sequoia: I point my wand at the… the squid and I say titillando! [everyone laughs] And the squid makes a funny face and starts like dancing their body around.
Kim: Mhm.
Hannah: Tentacles are splashing.
Sequoia: And tentacles are splashing and it’s going [shrieks].
Hannah: There is a dance occurring. [Sequoia shrieks again] [Hannah shrieks] [Sequoia shrieks] [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Oh man. Wooo!
Hannah: We’re doing a [shrieks] jig.
Kim: Incredible.
Hannah: And yes, that is successful. You do that thing.
Kim: Good.
Hannah: I’m also doing a jig for effects.
Sequoia: Yes.
Hannah: For those who are listening. Let’s see here. Next it is Jean Michel.
Colin: Yes. I would like to get to the bottom of the squid mystery by casting my mind seeing charm. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: What is happening? Can… can the squid have like disadvantage or something on its next turn?
Kim: Because it’s sneezing and tickling?
Hannah: Yeah.
Sequoia: Because it’s sneezing and…
Hannah: Yeah, sure.
Kim: Or being tickled.
Sequoia: Okay. I just realised that we did things that dealt no damage. [everyone laughs]
Kim: We’re helping!
Colin: It’s a six.
Hannah: Oh, unfortunate.
Colin: Oh, dang.
Hannah: You are so amused by the sight of a wiggly squiggly jiggly squid…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Hannah: …doing a squid dance, and doing a sneezy squid dance at that, that you are unable to effectively solve the mystery.
Kim: Mmm.
Colin: I can’t read its mind with my mind powers!
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Screams the pin!
Colin: True. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Who can still do magic.
Kim: Of course.
Hannah: Can still do magic. That seemed mean to…
Kim: Yeah.
Hannah: Anyways, it is now Jab’s turn again.
Ryan: Oh my, I… I just don’t know what to do with this squid. I think I’m gonna harden it. [Hannah laughs] [everyone laughs]
Kim: Wwwwwhat? Wouldn’t that empower the squid?
Sequoia: No, ‘cause it would… it… it…
Ryan: I think it would make it like less…
Kim: Okay, okay. All right.
Sequoia: It can’t like…
Kim: All right, all right. I gotcha. I gotcha.
Hannah: It can’t move around.
Ryan: I’m gonna cast duro, which is a hardening charm.
Hannah: Nice.
Ryan: And my… my goal is that its, you know, swimming limbs are gonna get a little kinda locked up and it’s just gonna sink harmlessly below the…
Hannah: Okay.
Ryan: …surface of the water.
Hannah: Sure, sure, sure.
Ryan: So that I don’t have to blast its holes again. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: You have to roll with disadvantage still, if you’re still holding the door.
Kim: He’s not putting that door down.
Ryan: I’m not abandoning Jeffy. That was a really good roll, though, the first one. Let’s see. Yeah, that’s an eleven.
Hannah: Nice.
Ryan: Damn, I’m on fire rolls today.
Hannah: Jeffrey is going to shout, your doin’ a great job buddy! As…
Ryan: And that empowers me and that’s why I roll so well.
Hannah: As an empowerment. And yeah, that… that does give you a surge of confidence. And describe to me what happens next.
Ryan: It… it was flailing around and making that noise that Sequoia made. Can we get that noise one more time? [Sequoia shrieks] [everyone laughs] Oh, god! That was coming with a lot of flailing of various tentacles and appendages, and then they all sort of lock up and go stiff and it falls into the water.
Hannah: Cool. Cool.
Ryan: Well, I guess it was in the water, you know. More…
Kim: Yeah.
Hannah: Deeper into the water.
Ryan: That one.
Hannah: Yeah, it goes deeper. Mmmit goes deeper!
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Ryan: Man.
Hannah: Sorry. [everyone laughs] As the… as the giant squid, and also Dumbledore on top of the giant squid’s head…
Sequoia: Oh, Dumbledore never left, man!
Ryan: He’s still there!
Hannah: …sink back into the lake.
Kim: It’s okay.
Hannah: A bridge rises up from the water, connecting you to the shore.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: Oh!
Colin: Ah.
Ryan: That did… that did the boss.
Sequoia: Nice! Good job, Jab.
Ryan: Wooo!
Sequoia: Job Jab.
Kim: Nice… nice sinking.
Hannah: Just gonna let that be done. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: It’s the hardening charm that really got him in the end.
Kim: Yup, yup. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: As… as you cross…
Sequoia: [laughs] Ryan’s gonna cry.
Ryan: I was gonna make a real nasty joke.
Kim: Ohhhh.
Ryan: But I’m not gonna because we’re adults here.
Kim: Well.
Hannah: I already… I…
Kim: Uhhh?
Hannah: Uhhh?
Ryan: No, it was about a boner.
Kim: Ohhhh.
Hannah: Okay.
Colin: Mmm.
Ryan: But see, now I’m…
Kim: I think we can kinda put the pieces together.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Ryan: It wasn’t a very complex joke.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: Oh good. Well, as you… as you all cross over the bridge over to the other side, with the sounds of your peers’ cheers ringing in your ears…
Kim: Shit.
Sequoia: Oh god.
Hannah: …the crowd parts to let you pass. Behind the crowd, you can see that there appears to be a party set up and ready to go. A disco ball is magically floating in the middle of the air, and what appears to be hundreds of tiny fireflies provide a beautiful ambience. As you approach the dance floor, you notice that the Ambivalent Pearl is on a stage at the other end of the dance floor.
Kim: Noice.
Colin: Nice.
Hannah: As the opening notes of September by Earth, Wind and Fire…
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Ryan: Yes!
Hannah: …begin to play over the dance floor, the words, let the dance off begin…
Sequoia: Ooh.
Kim: Oh!
Hannah: …appear in flaming letters in front of you. Roll for initiative.
Sequoia: Roll for initiative! [laughs] [dice roll]
Ryan: Can I… as a free action or whatever the equivalent is in this game, can I have a quick aside?
Hannah: Yeah.
Ryan: And say something secret to Al and Sunny?
Hannah: Yeah.
Kim: Oh, sure! And Jean Michel, who’s on your chest.
Hannah: Yeah.
Colin: I’m always… I’m always there.
Ryan: So I rolled the wrong dice, but it is just interesting to point out, I got the snake eyes. I rolled the worst on the d6s.
Hannah: Ahhh.
Kim: Ahhh.
Ryan: Eighteen for initiative, though. So as an aside, I leave Jean on some surface.
Kim: Oh.
Ryan: I take him off. I want an aside with you guys, and I say…
Kim: Oh, okay.
Colin: Hey, hey, hey, oh! Okay.
Hannah: Do you still have Jeffrey?
Ryan: No, I set Jeffrey down too.
Hannah: Okay.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Oh wow. Okay.
Ryan: And I say, guys, it… it pains me to say this, but their date was so beautiful and they belong together and they… they should win this competition. Now, I know they say that doors can’t dance even with a dancing charm. That’s a… or a dancing hex. That’s common knowledge. But…
Kim: I think I see where you’re going with this. We can… yeah.
Ryan: If we all…
Sequoia: Are we gonna… I’m sorry. [fake laughs]
Ryan: We’ve…
Sequoia: I’m sorry, are you insinuating that I…
Kim: Uh huh. If we come together…
Sequoia: …throw a competition?
Kim: …as a group, I think we could get that door to dance.
Ryan: If we can… if we can make that door to dance, and the pin too, we’ll have to make both [laughs] the pin and the door dance.
Sequoia: [laughing] That sounds like a lot of magic, but…
Ryan: Well, I’ve got… can we use higher level spell slots for like lower level…
Kim: Yeah.
Hannah: Yeah, and they become stronger.
Ryan: Oh good. So I can cast seven instances of the dancing hex. I think we can make them win this. They’ll…
Sequoia: Right.
Ryan: And they’ll raise that child and it will be beautiful.
Kim: Look at this baby, Sunny. Look at it.
Sequoia: [sighs] I do love love.
Ryan: Do it for the baby!
Sequoia: Do… [laughs] oh my god. [everyone laughs]
Kim: We have killed Colin.
Sequoia: Killed Colin! [everyone laughs]
Colin: I can’t… I’m not hearing any of this. I’m… [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Do it for Junior.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Fine.
Hannah: The way that this is gonna work is that I’m going to say each person in order of their initiative, and when I say… when it’s your turn you can describe one dance move and then you roll a single d6, and then whomever gets the highest number at the end is going to be the coolest dancer, is how I figured it out originally.
Kim: Uh huh.
Hannah: But! We can adapt that from here.
Kim: Uh huh. [Hannah laughs]
Sequoia: Uh huh. We should be able to cast spells.
Kim: We’re gonna cast some spells.
Hannah: Okay, cool. Sounds good.
Sequoia: And if we are successful on the spells, maybe we get a plus X amount of…
Hannah: To whomever.
Sequoia: To…
Hannah: Or whatever.
Sequoia: To whomever or whatever the spells happen to be…
Hannah: Directed towards.
Sequoia: …directed at.
Hannah: Yes. [everyone laughs] And it… you could also use help or hinder. We could use… there is a whole mechanism built in for that.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: I wanna… I wanna cast a lot of magic to set a scene.
Hannah: Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Hannah: I’m into it.
Ryan: Yeah, I’m… I’m joinng you with that, yeah.
Hannah: Okay, let’s do it. Okay, so… [singing] buhnumbawbawbawwwww gotta try and remember how this song starts. [sings]
Kim: Uh huh.
Hannah: Hang on, let me…
Sequoia: [singing September by Earth, Wind and Fire] Dow dow dow dow dowwnownow bownowbowbow bow bow bowwwnownow bow now bow bow bow bow bownow buhnununununu buhnununununu!
Hannah & Sequoia: Buhnunununununu! [everyone joins in]
Hannah & Sequoia: [singing] Do you remember the twenty first of September! [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: Never came in.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Hannah: [singing] …pretenders!
Kim: Uh huh.
Ryan: I always thought that next line said something about an Nintendo. [everyone laughs] [singing] I always thought… gonna go play me some Nintendo. Is that…
Hannah: Oh, I like that more. I think that’s the new version of the song.
Ryan: Excellent.
Hannah: Yeah.
Ryan: I don’t know what the lyrics are.
Hannah: So that is what’s occurring around you.
Sequoia: Okay, I’m feelin’ it.
Hannah: And you’re into it. You’re into it. This is occurring. Dancing is occurring. Jab, it is your turn.
Ryan: Okay, so I’m gonna start us off with the lawnmower move, which is something I learned in my summer abroad at a muggle school.
Sequoia: Nice.
Ryan: ‘Cause none of the wizards here know what a lawnmower is.
Sequoia: Right.
Ryan: But I’m doin’ the move. I’m pushin’ the lawnmower. And real subtle like I’m casting… let’s see. I’ll do a dancing hex over at Jean Michel. Wait, he’s now… he’s on me again.
Kim: Yeah, he’s still on you. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Ohhh! I think that maybe Jean and Jeffrey are just sort of…
Kim: Maybe we set them down.
Sequoia: We set them down.
Kim: Yeah, okay, let’s say…
Ryan: That makes more sense.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Let’s say we set them down.
Hannah: Yeah, okay, that’s… that’s fine. We can retcon that.
Kim: ‘Kay. [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: They’re on the ground.
Ryan: I do that and I start empowering Jean with the magic of a thousand dances.
Kim: Uh huh.
Hannah: Amazing.
Ryan: Let’s see. It’s a hex, so now I do get plus three, so that’s a eight.
Hannah: Nice.
Ryan: So nothing‘s happening yet, though I… this is probably not how this actually works in the Harry Potter universe.
Hannah: That’s okay. No, continue.
Ryan: But I imagine that we’re gonna alternate, you know, filling Jean and and Jeffrey with magical dancing ability and it’s just accumulating and building in them and they’re glowing and they’re ready. When it’s their turn they’re gonna bust a move so hard that the school’s never seen a move such as this!
Sequoia: Right.
Hannah: Okay. Amazing. Perfect. So a general dancing aura is growing around Jean Michel’s pin body.
Kim: Uh huh.
Hannah: Cool. Next it is Sunny.
Sequoia: Great. So I’m gonna bust out some sort of Saturday Night Fever…
Hannah: Amazing.
Sequoia: …with the disco point up, point down. Oh Jesus. [everyone laughs] Point up, point down, put your headphones back in. [Hannah laughs] So that’s my dance move. And then I… because I do believe that… that there… there needs to be some levitation involved here. I am going to cast wingardium leviosa over at the pin that is my body but Jean Michel’s spirit. [everyone laughs] I’m gonna cast wingardium leviosa because I want them to be able to float around. [dice roll] And I did not do that.
Hannah: Okay.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Snake eyes.
Hannah: You… [laughs] nice. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Failed at casting wingardium leviosa.
Sequoia: I was trying to help.
Hannah: So you are doing a disco dance move but, you know, something innate inside of you is physically incapable of throwing a competition.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Hannah: And so your hand flicks up… excuse me, seizes up during the flick and swish, and you sort of like instead just sort of chuck your wand. [everyone laughs] And…
Sequoia: Oh, great.
Hannah: And attempt to pretend that it was intentional.
Sequoia: It’s part of the dance. Throw your wand, everybody! [everybody laughs] Throw your wand!
Hannah: Exactly. Nice.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Well.
Hannah: That’s Al’s turn now.
Kim: Okay, Al’s gonna kinda do the robot.
Hannah: Nice.
Kim: And surreptitiously attempt to cast the chicken/goose hex.
Hannah: Uh huhhh.
Ryan: Huh?
Sequoia: The WHAT?
Kim: The chicken/goose hex.
Colin: [laughing] What is the goose hex?
Kim: Which I’m kind of hoping to summon a lot of poultry. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Wwwhat?
Kim: Like, enough to…
Colin: What is that?
Kim: …maybe lift the door? [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Huh. [laughter continues] That’s very good. That’s very powerful.
Sequoia: Oh my god. Oh my god!
Hannah: Yeah, I’m going to have you do that with advantage. [everyone laughs] Because it’s funny.
Kim: A ten that time. [dice roll] Can I go even better than ten? Okay, I got a ten plus two, so twelve.
Hannah: Nice. Hooboy!
Sequoia: Hoo boy.
Hannah: So describe to me what that looks like, please.
Kim: So I’m gonna… you know the early Zelda games?
Ryan: That’s exactly what I was thinking.
Kim: When you would like antagonise the chicken a lot… chickens a lot, and then chickens would just pour onto the screen.
Hannah: Yes.
Kim: I’m thinking I think that’s linked to the… linked to the past.
Hannah: Uh huh. That’s the like OG one isn’t it?
Kim: Yeah, one of the early ones. That amount of chickens and geese, I guess just kinda like pouring into this area and they lift the door and I guess the pin ‘cause somebody else failed to lift the pin. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: I can’t throw a competition.
Kim: With their… with their beaks and their claws, and they’re kind of manoeuvering. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: It’s beautiful. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Wow.
Hannah: Oh my god.
Sequoia: Did you roll your one for the amount of points you get?
Kim: Oh, I don’t wanna get any.
Ryan: Oh, I also didn’t roll mine.
Hannah: Oh, do that. Do that.
Ryan: Oh.
Kim: Oh.
Ryan: I’m gonna do an intentionally very bad dance and roll a d4 instead. [dice roll]
Hannah: Okay.
Ryan: Hmm.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Can I… can I attempt to trip…
Hannah: Yeah, roll for trip. [Kim laughs] Ing.
Kim: [dice roll] I rolled a three.
Ryan: Which is good when you think about it.
Hannah: You trip. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: I’m roboting and I summon a shitload of chicken and geese and then I trip. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Yep, you fall on your face and that subsequently affects your dance score and you only gain one point.
Kim: Okay.
Hannah: It is in fact Jeffrey’s turn.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: Jeffrey!
Ryan & Sequoia: Jeffrey!
Colin: Jeffrey.
Colin, Kim, Ryan & Sequoia: Go Jeffrey! Go Jeffrey! Go Jeffrey! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Yeah, so Jeffrey is like crowd surfing a sea of chickens [everyone laughs] and is just like woooooohooo! Living his best door life.
Sequoia: Right.
Hannah: Like, woooooooowowow yeah! And he is going to…
Ryan: You know the cool break dancing move where you like spin on the ground a lot? Just like…
Sequoia: Oooh.
Hannah: Ooh yeah, I like that a lot. So he’s going… okay, so Jeffrey crowd surfs the chickens and then he‘s going to utilise his face to create some momentum that thrusts him sort of off of the chickens and onto the top right corner of his body and then he is going to do like a… like a… a b-boy thing where he spins and then lands on his side as if he was posing. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh yeah. Good, good, good.
Colin: That’s so good.
Sequoia: Good!
Hannah: And then…
Sequoia: Go Jeffrey! Go Jeffrey!
Kim, Ryan & Sequoia: Go Jeffrey!
Hannah: [in a deep voice] Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That is Jeffrey’s voice. He dropped a couple of… [everyone laughs] now it is Jean Michel’s turn.
Colin: Yes, I’m going to try to accio myself a… a body, so if there’s a suit of armor in the school close enough…
Kim: Ohhh!
Colin: …I would like to do that, but…
Hannah: Yeah, I’m gonna let that happen.
Colin: …failing that, I’m gonna just do some sticks.
Hannah: Cool. Sounds good. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Okay, eight.
Hannah: Nice.
Colin: Plus one, is nine.
Hannah, Kim & Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Nice.
Hannah: Fantastic. I’m going to say that because it wasn’t a hooboy! moment you do get a body, but you don’t get a suit of armor.
Colin: Ah.
Hannah: So the closest thing approximately to you is probably the greenhouse, and so flying out of the green…
Colin: Yes.
Hannah: It breaks through the windows and comes flying towards you. It… it appears to be a pot, but as the pot tumbles through the air out comes a tiny mandrake baby.
Sequoia: Oh my god! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: And we’re gonna say that a chicken sentient enough to intuit your goal [everyone laughs] takes your pin body and sticks it to the screaming body of the mandrake child. [everyone laughs] And as the mandrake child screams some of the students around do fall unconscious.
Kim: Uh huh.
Hannah: But none of you. You’re fine.
Kim & Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: Great. [everyone laughs] Oh my god.
Hannah: [laughs] Now you have a body. Is that your move?
Colin: That’s my move. I have…
Hannah: Okay.
Colin: Well, yeah, I have… I have a little body now, so I’m just dancing my heart out. I kinda… I have little arms and little legs, so I’m just like going, like, bah bah! [everyone laughs] And then I put my hands on my hips and do a bring it around town! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: That’s very good.
Sequoia: Oh good.
Hannah: I would like you to roll a… a d20 for…
Ryan: Oh damn.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Nice.
Colin: Nice.
Sequoia: Rigged! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: It is, in fact. As of just recently.
Kim: We’re here to help.
Ryan: We rigged it.
Colin: Fifteen.
Kim: Woohoo!
Hannah: Wowie zowie!
Colin: Woohoo!
Ryan: Such a dance!
Hannah: Okay, Jeffrey only rolled a five.
Kim: Oh.
Ryan: Seems only fair to take the average and… are they dancing as like a…
Colin: Ten each.
Ryan: …couple?
Kim: I think… how many rounds of dance are we going to have?
Hannah: We’re going to have two more rounds.
Kim: All right.
Ryan: Oh, okay. Okay.
Kim: We got time.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We got time.
Hannah: Yeah, we can… we can figure it out. Okay, so next it is Jab’s turn once again.
Ryan: Oh, so I’m going to stand surreptitiously behind where Jeffrey and Jean Michel are dancing, kinda crouched off stage. And I’m going to use periculum. It’s red sparks charm.
Hannah: Cool.
Ryan: And I’m going to have some kind of fireworks going behind them.
Kim: Nice.
Ryan: Showering them both…
Kim: Nice.
Ryan: …with beautiful red sparks.
Hannah & Kim: Nice.
Hannah: I like it.
Ryan: And then I’m gonna, you know, bust a little move myself, because that’s how the game works.
Hannah: Cool. [everyone laughs] That’s good.
Sequoia: Not completely break the game.
Ryan: Not a very good move though.
Hannah: That’s okay.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Ryan: A very bad dance.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Hannah: ‘Kay, you roll first for success on the sparks.
Ryan: [dice roll] Nine plus…
Kim: Whatever…
Ryan: …two at least, so…
Hannah: ‘Kay, that in fact does a thing, and sparks… describe to me the beautiful fireworks scene.
Ryan: They’re very pretty.
Hannah: Very good. Thank you.
Ryan: Very very pretty.
Hannah: Because you intentionally do a bad dance move you only get one point.
Ryan: [laughs] Ha ha good. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: And next it is Sunny’s turn again. You don’t have a wand.
Sequoia: I don’t have a wand. [Kim laughs] I’m fuckin’ here. Here. I… I… I came to play at this point.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: I’m gonna bust out my the fa… the favorite move of the family back home on the midwestern commune, and that’s gonna be the hoe.
Hannah: Oooh.
Sequoia: So we’re just gonna pretend you’re using a hoe…
Kim: Oh!
Ryan: Nice.
Sequoia: …in the garden. Hoe, hoeeee! Hoeeee! Hoeeee!
Hannah: Hooeee!
Sequoia: Hoeee! [everyone laughs] Okay, and… no, I’m going to roll. [dice roll] A three. Okay.
Hannah: Next it is Al’s turn.
Kim: Al is going to cast the flower conjuring charm again. I’m gonna do it as a levelled up spell because I haven’t used any of these spell slots yet. [laughs] Eight.
Hannah: Phenomenal.
Kim: Cool.
Hannah: You in fact do that thing.
Kim: I want like a sh… like a storm of flower petals.
Hannah: Oh, beautiful.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: Just, like, rose petals blastin’ [everyone laughs] amongst the chickens. [everyone laughs] We got chickens, we got just a shower of rose petals at Jean Michel and Jeffrey.
Hannah: [laughs] Amazing. That…
Kim: I’m gonna… [laughs]
Ryan: Ignore the chickens.
Kim: I’m gonna just… they’re here to help. They’re providing some manoeuverability. Why not? They can fly. [everyone laughs] And then I’m going to attempt to break dance for the first time in my life.
Ryan: Oh no.
Hannah: Oh yes! [Colin laughs]
Kim: Which is obviously gong to go really well. Gonna like try to stand on my head and fail probably.
Hannah: Cool, cool. Roll for tripping. [laughs]
Kim: [dice roll] I got a nine [laughing] this time.
Hannah: Nice. You super trip.
Kim: I super trip.
Hannah: You fall on your face.
Kim: Do I trip no matter what I roll?
Sequoia: Yeah! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: You fall if you get higher than a one, which is literally impossible when you’re rolling two dice. Then you trip.
Kim: Oh, okay. Good. Roll for trip.
Hannah: You get a nine and so you fall on your face and now your nose is bleeding.
Kim: Nice!
Hannah: Cool.
Sequoia: Wow.
Hannah: Now it is Jeffrey’s turn to go again, and he is going to do the door version of the worm.
Sequoia: Nice.
Hannah: Which means he’s sort of just going to, like, again utilise his face.
Kim: Mhm.
Hannah: Sort of like… like…
Sequoia: Like a… like a…
Hannah: Like…
Sequoia: Like a push up.
Hannah: Push up but with… with his face.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Hannah: On the door. Oh, maybe he’s gonna go tongue first. [Sequoia laughs] He has a door tongue and go, uugggh buhh buhhh, and he’s like doing a worm adjacent push up.
Sequoia: Gotcha.
Hannah: And that’s his dance move, and it doesn’t taste good if you… if you were wondering. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: You shouldn’t lick the dance floor?
Hannah: Strangely enough, no. Ooh, he rolled well that time. That’s a sixteen points that he gets.
Kim: Nice. [Hannah laughs]
Sequoia: These guys just think they can roll up in here. Inanimate objects. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Cool. Now Jean Michel’s turn.
Kim: They have a lot of back up effects.
Colin: [laughs] Okay, I want to use arbivicus, the plant growth charm, on my mandrake body. [everyone laughs] To make it a little bit… [everyone laughs] [dice roll]
Kim: Incredible.
Sequoia: So stupid. [everyone laughs]
Colin: [dice roll] [gasps] Four plus two is six. Seven. Seven total.
Hannah: Amazing. You do in fact do that thing.
Ryan: Ooh!
Colin: Ah yes, a mandrake body is about as big as a person now.
Hannah: Fantastic.
Sequoia: God, that’s horrifying.
Hannah: That’s a big screaming mandrake baby with a pin attached to it. Cool. What’s your dance move, my dude?
Colin: I… I want to try to waltz with Jeffrey.
Hannah: Oh!
Kim: Ahhh.
Hannah: I like that. Okay, roll to pick up Jeffrey with your mandrake body.
Colin: Okay. [dice roll] Does this have a modifier?
Sequoia: Bravery?
Kim: Or loyalty.
Ryan: Plus love.
Sequoia: Oh.
Hannah: I think plus your romance modifier, which is going to be plus one. [everyone laughs] I made something separate.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: Gettin’ real fast and loose over here! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Roll for love!
Ryan: Fuck.
Colin: [dice roll] Oh my gosh.
Hannah: What is it?
Colin: See it?
Kim: Got… oh!
Ryan: Is that a twelve?
Everyone: Ohhhh!
Colin: It’s a twelve! [everyone yells]
Hannah: Okay, so you gracefully move forward with your mandrake body, and describe to me how you pick up your new found love interest.
Colin: I say, may I have this dance, Jeffrey the door? [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Oh, I thought you would never ask!
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Colin: Let’s show these wizards how to cut a rug! How a… let’s show ‘em how how a pin with a plant body and door cut a rug. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Amazing. You… you pick him up and you’re holding him by the… the… the… the side. [everyone laughs] And then the other side. [laughs] And you just sort of…
Colin: We waltz around the dance floor, chickens at our feet and rose petals flying through the air. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Colin: Students convusling on the ground [everyone laughs] from the cries of the mandrake. [everyone still laughing]
Sequoia: It’s so beautiful! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh my god! Are we helping? [everyone laughs]
Ryan: I think so. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Ryan: Oh, wowie zowie.
Sequoia: Ohhhh.
Hannah: Roll for your points for your dance move. With advantage, because that was really good. [everyone laughs] Roll a d20…
Colin: Oh, thank you.
Hannah: …twice please.
Colin: Eight. Eight was the highest roll. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Wooboy! You get eight points. Cool. Now, everybody gets one more dance move.
Ryan: So I’ve only got one… one trick left that’s gonnna help send this home for Jean and Jeffrey. I’m gonna cast a wind hex. Is that a hex? Yeah, it is a hex.
Hannah: Okay.
Ryan: But, well, I guess I’ll roll for it and see how successful I am at this description. Seven plus…
Hannah: That succeeds.
Ryan: ..three, because it’s a hex. Good. It’s a soft breeze.
Kim: Mm.
Ryan: It’s not like a blast of wind to cause damage, and it’s coming from sort of underneath them, so it’s stirring up the rose petals and the mandrake hair. I had to look this up just now, ‘cause I… I remember that they have some sort of hair, right? They have little…
Kim: Plant…
Hannah: Little plant…
Kim: …tendrils.
Hannah: …tendrils.
Ryan: Little leafy…
Kim: Yeah.
Ryan: …lke, plant hair, it’s sort of just like being rustled by the wind.
Hannah: Uh huh.
Ryan: It’s… it’s lofting the sparks into the air, and the rose petals, and maybe a couple of chickens. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Chickens are floating.
Ryan: And it’s just… the ambience is out of this world.
Hannah: Amazing. Fantastic.
Ryan: And then I do the sprinkler. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Phenomenal. One point of dance damage for you.
Sequoia: Oh shit.
Ryan: Ow! Oh god, I hit myself in the nose!
Hannah: Just kidding. You… one point of dance success for you.
Ryan: It could be both.
Hannah: You pull all of the above, see.
Ryan: That’s my turn.
Hannah: ‘Kay, next it is Sunny.
Sequoia: I’d just like to point out that at this point I am sobbing. [everyone laughs]
Kim: We got you so good.
Sequoia: And I can’t… I can’t throw the competition, but I can see how beautiful what’s happening in front of me is. But it is physically impossible for me [everyone laughs] to do anything besides attempt to win, so I am going to at this point do like a… like a pirouette and then a leap directly into a backflip.
Hannah: Oh wow! Okay, sure.
Ryan: Sounds dangerous.
Sequoia: [dice roll] For two points. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Amazing. That was beautiful.
Kim: Nice work.
Sequoia: I am sobbing the whole time I do the dance move though. [laughs]
Kim: Nice.
Hannah: That’s a great dance move. Al.
Kim: All right, I’m going to attempt to cast the color change spell.
Ryan: Ooh.
Sequoia: God.
Kim: Aimed at the chickens and the flower petals. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: All the chickens and all the flower petals?
Kim: Yeah, why not? Go all out here. [dice roll] All right, I rolled a eight total.
Hannah: Nice. It’s… it’s… you do that.
Kim: I want…
Hannah: Let’s do…
Kim: …them to ripple in a beautiful rainbow of colors. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Oh, so this isn’t like a singular color change, it’s an ongoing…
Kim: Vwooo, vwooo, vwooo!
Ryan: …strobe. Oh, beautiful.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Hannah: That’s awesome.
Sequoia: Wow.
Hannah: That’s awesome. ‘Kay, that’s phenomenal. What’s your dance move?
Kim: Oh, I’m gonna roll for trip. [everyone laughs] Rolled an eight.
Hannah: You do in fact trip! [everyone laughs] [weakly] I can’t…
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Hannah: Jeffrey. It’s Jeffrey’s turn. This is… this is the most romantic thing I’ve ever experienced, Jean Michel.
Sequoia: [in a muffled squeak] Oh my god!
Hannah: I… I think I’m in love with you. [Sequoia squeals]
Colin: Jeffrey, I know we just met, but I think I love you too. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Oh!
Colin: I can’t wait to get back in my body so I can look at you. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Jean Michel, I… my heart… I couldn’t have dreamed of anything more coming from this day. I… will you marry me?
Sequoia: Jesus Christ!
Kim: Oh my god!
Sequoia: Jeffrey, slow your fucking roll, dude! [everyone laughs]
Colin: You know what, Jeffrey? Some… some might say it would be a mistake, but yes. Yes, I’ll marry you. [everyone laughs] Jeffrey the door, you make me so happy. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Jean Michel, I’m so excited to raise our tiny door child together! [everyone laughs]
Colin: [laughing] Yes! [everyone laughs] Al Junior’s going to have a great life with us.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Hannah: ‘Kay, he’s… he’s going to… [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughs] Crying.
Ryan: I’m crying.
Kim: It’s so beautiful! [everyone still laughing]
Ryan: You could sell the rights to this to Disney. [everyone laughs] It’s perfect!
Hannah: Okay. Okay. Jeffrey, as his move, is somehow going to utilise his face once again to cradle Jean Michel’s body and dip him.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Hannah: And then…
Sequoia: Not sure how that’s happening, but I believe it.
Hannah: …in… in the dip, were he to still have use of his face, he would kiss you, but he cannot so you just are dipped. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: One or the other.
Colin: Dipped!
Hannah: Cool, that’s his turn, and then he gets, oh, another sixteen of dance points.
Sequoia: God!
Colin: [laughing] Dance points.
Hannah: ‘Kay. Jean Michel.
Colin: I had an idea, but I don’t…
Kim: Bring it home, bud.
Colin: I don’t know if… well, all right, I… I… I… I will try to bring it home with the only finale I know, which is the lift from Dirty Dancing.
Sequoia: Oh my GOD! [everyone laughs] OH MY GOD!
Colin: And no spells, just the power of love. So I’m just gonna lift the door. I’m gonna lift… lift my beautiful Jeffrey. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Amazing. [Sequoia shrieks] You suplex the door. That’s when you lift it, right? Is that a wrestle?
Ryan: That’s not…
Kim: Nope!
Ryan: That’s a bad thing to do in the dance with your friend! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Okay.
Ryan: You don’t wanna suplex.
Hannah: You dead lift the door.
Kim: Okay.
Hannah: And you lift it above your body and twirl it in the air a little bit, sort of like a pizza, and then, looking up into the eyes of your beloved now fiance, you say… what do you say?
Colin: I say, you’ve made me the happiest pin with a plant body in the whole world, Jeffrey. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Jean Michel…
Sequoia: It’s still MY body! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Probably why you’re not dancing so well. You’re in Jean Michel’s body.
Hannah: You’re unfamiliar with your limbs. [Sequoia groans] Jean Michel, my love, let us live a beautiful life together.
Colin: Every day. Every day is gonna be beautiful.
Hannah: As the… as the final notes of the song fade out, Dumbledore magically appears in front of you, his robes still slightly damp with lake water. [everyone laughs] Ah, yes, congratulations, Jeffrey and Jean Michel, you shall be our Yule Ball royalty. The students who are still conscious begin to cheer, and as Dumbledore waves his wand, making two crowns appear out of thin air, they float towards…
Sequoia: They don’t have heads! I just… [everyone laughs]
Hannah: They float towards you and land on an approximation [everyone laughs] of each of your heads.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Hannah: And as the party music, which for the record is a punk rock version of Build Me Up, Buttercup…
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Hannah: …begins to swell around you, the students which are again still conscious, the ones who are still present, begin dancing, and you hear splashing sounds from behind you as the squid emerges above water, waving its tentacles around in a joyful way that almost seems like dancing. The snitch camera pans out, flying high to the air as you dance amongst your friends, your hearts… all of your hearts warm with the knowledge that this is gonna be a really amazing school year. [everyone laughs] The end.
Colin: This is the beginning of the year!
Sequoia: [singing] I’ve had the time of my liiiife! [everyone laughs] I…
Everyone: [singing] …never felt this way before! And I swear it’s the truuuth, and I owe it all to youuuuuu!
Hannah: [singing] Youuu youuu houuu buh buh buh buh buh buh buhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuh!
Kim: Do we do the pose?
Hannah: [singing] Buhbuhbuhbuhbuh! [Sequoia laughs]
Ryan: Oh, and then can we do the thing!
Hannah: That was the dubstep version.
Ryan: Where as the… as the song plays, it like freezes on each character and says this is what happened to this person.
Kim: YES!
Sequoia: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Ryan: Jab went on to a lucrative career in magical car sales. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: What does Al have happen to them in their life? In her life?
Kim: Oh, the prophecy does come true and Al does die in the prophecy. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Oh god!
Hannah: Fantastic! Horrifying!
Sequoia: Woooo!
Hannah: Sunny, how does your life end?
Sequoia: Sunny becomes the next Minister of Magic.
Hannah: Amazing. [everyone laughs] Jean Michel?
Colin: Jean Michel and Jeffrey lived a long and happy life. They… they… they used the… they used the contest winnings to set up a college fund for Al. Al Junior. And used the rest to… to set up a… a charity for hungry and orphaned doors all throughout the world. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Amazing. The… the camera zooms in on Al George, or, excuse me, Al Junior, and the screen does say that he becomes the next… next evil wizard dark lord door.
Ryan: Oh god!
Kim: Nice. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: And the movie ends. [everyone laughs]
R woah!
Sequoia: WOW!
Ryan: The end? Question mark? [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Ohhh, I feel the power coursing through my bodyyyy! What the fuck was that? [everyone laughs]
Ryan: That was LOVE. That was wonderful.
Sequoia: Oh, wow.
Ryan: No one can ever listen to this, you all. [everyone laughs] You realise we have to lock this in the vault. [everyone laughs]
Kim: This is too much of something.
Hannah: This is too powerful.
Colin: It’s too powerful.
Ryan: Oh, the power in this episode.
Kim: Well.
Kim & Sequoia: Thank you.
Hannah: Yeah.
Kim: For doing this.
Hannah: I told you I did something. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Whooo! I never could have in my wildest dreams.
Colin: Nope.
Sequoia: I… I… I can’t.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Yep.
Colin: Nope.
Kim: Yep. Nice. Nice work, everyone.
Colin: Nice.
Sequoia: And thanks also the listeners for four years of Fanatical Fics.
Kim: Hell, yeah!
Sequoia: Hell, yeah!
Kim: Here’s to some number more.
Sequoia: Who knows? [laughs]
Hannah: An amount!
Sequoia: An amount.
Kim: All righty. Think that’s gonna do it for us today.
Hannah: Cool.
Sequoia: Do you all wanna say bye with us?
Hannah: Yeah!
Kim: ‘Kay.
Everyone: Byyyeeeeeeeeeyah!
Sequoia: [singing] And I…
Everyone: …had the time of my liiiife!
Hannah: [singing] And I’ve never felt…
Hannah & Sequoia: …this way before!
Hannah: [singing] And I swear…
Ryan: Oh boysie.