Episode 106: For Love of the Tarot
Recommendation: One Last Stop
This transcript was provided by Belinda!
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If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: Fuck, marry, kill.
Sequoia: Oh Jesus. [chuckles]
Kim: Madam Rosmerta.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Tom from the Leaky Cauldron.
Sequoia: Ohhhh.
Kim: And Aberforth.
Sequoia: Barkeeps! Barkeeps, I like it. I think this one’s got a pretty obvious answer.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: You’re gonna… you’re gonna fuck Madam Rosmerta.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Marry Tom and kill Aberforth. [both laugh] Right, though? I think I’m right. [Kim continues to laugh hysterically]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by The Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: [pronouncing every word emphatically] A Harry Potter fanfiction podcast!
Sequoia: You know, the other day I was recording a bonus episode of But Make It Scary with Hannah.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And I was like, all right, let’s start. Let’s do it. And when I record that… that podcast…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …I start with, and now it’s time to grab my guest so we can make it scary, and I do that. Right?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: So I was like, all right Hannah, here we go, this is But Make It Scary. Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone and this is Fanatical Fics… [Kim laughs] And I was like wait, what the…?
Kim: When have you ever… when have you… what? The wrong person was sitting across from the table from you.
Sequoia: Wro… yeah. Mhm.
Kim: And you just go and do our intro?
Sequoia: I did. I did. [laughs]
Kim: You just do our intro at anyone apparently.
Sequoia: Wow! [Kim groans] I didn’t expect to elicit this exact reaction. But it is funny.
Kim: I thought what we had was special.
Sequoia: [laughs] Welcome to the bullshit portion of our fanfiction podcast, where we make some announcements.
Kim: Where you talk about your other podcast.
Sequoia: I talk about my other podcast. Listen, I gotta talk about my other podcast as much as I possibly can. Okay? [both laugh] We talk about some soc meds. Some emails from listeners.
Kim: Yeah. That is what we do at the top of our podcast sometimes.
Sequoia: Sometimes. If we have stuff to talk about. We have a lot to talk about today.
Kim: Sure. So historically, squid month… I… I say historically, we’ve done it once.
Sequoia: We’ve done it twice.
Kim: We’ve done it twice. We’ve done it twice now. We’ve done it once past the time that it made sense for this to happen.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Squid month happened in July because I did it for an anniversary episode and then I did it again at the same time. This year Sequoia has told me that squid month isn’t happening in July because July is our anniversary and I have to stop ruining our anniversary.
Sequoia: Yeah. So squid month… rest assured…
Kim: Squid month WILL happen.
Sequoia: It will happen.
Kim: And I will not announce it in advance.
Sequoia: One day [both laugh] you’re just going to get a squid episode. I’m just going to be sitting here. Squid stuff will be thrown at me and then I will be obligated to reciprocate.
Kim: Exactly.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That sounds horrible, by the way. [Sequoia laughs] You wanna take that again?
Sequoia: [continues laughing] Damn it. Damn it. No, I don't wanna take it again. We’re leaving it. We’re leaving it like that.
Kim: You know that podcasts actually are a medium where you can edit things out…
Sequoia: You can.
Kim: …when you say something horrible and gross.
Sequoia: But you know what? Isn’t it better if we just leave it? [both laugh]
Kim: Okay!
Sequoia: Moving on from squid month, we also would just like to give a shout out here quickly to Crystal, who sent us a postcarrrd!
Kim: Postcard!
Sequoia: With her predictions on it.
Kim: Hell yeah!
Sequoia: So I would like to say again…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …that we do love, one, getting physical mail.
Kim: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: And two, getting postcards with predictions on them. ‘Cause we say a lot of…
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: We say a lot of bullshit. You know we say a lot of…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You know we have a lot of bits.
Kim: Oh yeah. Yeah. For sure.
Sequoia: Got a lot of bits.
Kim: For sure.
Sequoia: But when… when you guys come through on them, that’s just… you know, that’s a chef’s kiss.
Kim: A plus!
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Thank you. Thank you. I think we have a few more shout outs.
Sequoia: We do!
Kim: I’d like to shout out this tweet that has been haunting my thoughts since it came in.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: About reading fanfiction in YouTube video descriptions.
Sequoia: I had to immediately be like, explain. [laughing]
Kim: Which Caillin generously did.
Sequoia: Did. [Kim makes a guttural noise] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: And I feel like I have even more questions now.
Sequoia: Now. This feels like a truly cursed medium.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That video that they sent us came from 2009, which is why we didn’t know about it.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: This is a thing that missed us.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: We’re old. [both laugh] But this… this may be the most cursed way to share fanfictions. I thought Instagram was a pretty bad way to do it.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And it is. Instagram is a bad way to share fanfictions.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Because there’s no way for…
Sequoia: It’s not…
Kim: It’s an image of text. What are you…
Sequoia: It’s not… yeah, it’s not ideal.
Kim: You can’t read it. Wh…
Sequoia: It’s not ideal. I thought the most cursed way to share fanfiction was Quizilla.
Kim: Quizilla.
Sequoia: Back in the day. ‘Cause it’s about…
Kim: Quizilla is a curse that’s been go… that’s gone, though.
Sequoia: Right. But it’s about using a medium that is not intended for fanfiction to share fanfiction.
Kim: Yeah. I think those are all pretty cursed options.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: If you can think of any more cursed options…
Sequoia: [laughing] Don’t tell us!
Kim: …tweet them at usss.
Sequoia: Damn it. We also got a tweet from Wren, who burned some cinnamon toast.
Kim: And then attempted to eat it.
Sequoia: And then attempted to eat it.
Kim: In Harry’s honor.
Sequoia: And it was in fact gross.
Kim: So. We would recommend against attempting this.
Sequoia: Shout out to Wren for attempting. [laughs]
Kim: Shit.
Kim: We also got an email from a listener who is writing fanfictions based on our…
Both: [singing] …summaries!
Kim: Which did make me feel very excited.
Sequoia: [laughs] Me too.
Kim: I’m always a little sad that we’re releasing those summaries out into the wild probably just to die.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: But they’re not just to die. So they’re posting those up on AO3 and they’ve been tagging them with the Fanatical Fics podcast tag.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: And I would maybe throw out a reminder that if you are also writing Fanatical Fics inspired or adjacent things to throw that tag on it so that everyone else can find them.
Sequoia: Yeah. You can search that tag and see all sorts of fun stuff.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Written based on the pod or things from our patrons from our writing competitions. Stuff like that.
Kim: Yeah they do all kinds of fun stuff.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So check that out.
Sequoia: Excellent. I guess it’s time for the… the podcast now.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: The fanfiction portion of the fanfiction podcast.
Kim: We are a few weeks behind on our soc meds shout outs, so…
Sequoia: We were.
Kim: …we had to catch up.
Sequoia: We were. Also keep an eye on the soc meds because we got so much good Fire and Ice fanart.
Kim: Yeah, we did!
Sequoia: Oh my god! Oh my god.
Kim: Got some great Dumbledore outfit descriptions too. One person was like, he’s in body paint and a safari outfit.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: And I was like yes he is!
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah. I mean ask and ye shall receive, right?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like, damn! [Kim laughs] Okay. Let’s get into the fanfiction portion. This fanfiction that I’m going to read for you today was submitted to us by a listener, so thanks so much Jessica for sending this in. It is called For the Love of Tarot.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: T-a-r-o-t.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: Like tarot cards.
Kim: I was like taro like the purple…
Sequoia: [chuckles] No. Not t-a-r-o.
Kim: Like the purple potato thing.
Sequoia: Put the… put the T on the end.
Kim: Tarot. Okay.
Sequoia: [pronouncing the T at the end] Tarot.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: It is romance/humor.
Kim: Of course it is.
Sequoia: And it came out right before Order of the Phoenix. [Kim laughs] So it’s post Goblet of Fire.
Kim: For the Love of Tarot.
Sequoia: For the Love of Tarot.
Kim: You’re just doing one today?
Sequoia: Actually it’s For Love of the Tarot.
Kim: For Love of the Tarot?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay. I think I have three here. Prediction number one. Lavender is part of the main pairing.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Prediction number two. Somebody will have a tarot reading done and it will predict [sultry tone] love.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay. There’s a tarot reading that will… that predicts love.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Yes. And Harry’s death will be predicted in this fic.
Sequoia: Okay, cool. Okay. Those are all good. Those are all really good.
Kim: Trying to lean towards the divination stuff. [blows raspberry]
Sequoia: [laughs] Listen. You know…
Kim: Work with what I got.
Sequoia: …we’re in the studio, and maybe that studio magic's going to work for you again. We’ll see.
Kim: Did it work for me earlier? It didn’t work for me earlier today when I totally dive bombed at the livestream.
Sequoia: [laughs] We did do… at the livestream, you didn’t get any points.
Kim: I didn’t.
Sequoia: Unfortunately. You were close, though. You were close, though.
Kim: No I wasn’t.
Sequoia: Make sure to get on Patreon to catch [high pitched, theatrical voice. rolling the R] Raven Blackwing and the Orb of the Elements. [both laugh hysterically] All right, here we go. This fanfiction is called For Love of the Tarot. Sirius Black was not a very happy boy.
Kim: Is this a fucking… fuck! [Sequoia laughs] Fucking Marauders fanfiction. Fuck me. Fuck… fuck this. Fuck everything.
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, I’m coming out of left field. I don’t usually do Marauders stuff.
Kim: That’s right.
Sequoia: You’re the one who usually brings the Marauders to the table. But this is a listener submission.
Kim: Oh that’s true.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Ahhhh, I didn’t think about that.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [whispering] Wolfstar. Is this Wolfstar?
Sequoia: This is…
Kim: Is there a…
Sequoia: …something.
Kim: I have no idea what the tarot cards are. Is there a wolf and a star? [Sequoia laughs] And they call them…
Sequoia: This… you’re… you’re really showing your lack of tarot knowledge right now.
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Sirius Black was not a very happy boy. In fact…
Kim: Yeah. His life is the pitsssuh!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, so here’s the thing about this story, though.
Kim: This is before we knew exactly how and why his life was the pits, though.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: We got that in OO…
Both: …TP.
Sequoia: So basically…
Kim: How is his life the pits? Please continue.
Sequoia: In fact, a lack of proper prank vict… er, test subjects in his house over the summer made him downright miserable.
Kim: [laughs] He has to go home where there is no one for him to curse.
Sequoia: Curse. Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: That’s the worst!
Sequoia: For him to injure. For him to cause harm to. He had…
Kim: This is… obviously RAB doesn’t exist at this point.
Sequoia: Exactly. Yeah.
Kim: In canon. In the canon.
Sequoia: At this point. When this fanfiction was written we have zero idea…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …what any of Sirius’s family was like. Right?
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia: Yeah. ‘Cause we… we don’t know…
Kim: All we would've gotten about Sirius was in book three, and while I have no memories of the canon at this point, they have all leaked out…
Sequoia: I’m pretty sure…
Kim: …I don’t think we had any good knowledge.
Sequoia: No. No.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: He had, of course, been happy to go home for the summer, having missed his family.
Kim: Woooo! [both laugh]
Sequoia: I… that’s… I… I… coming into that line, I felt the need…
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: …to preface.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: [in a dreamlike voice] I love my family, said Sirius Black. [both laugh]
Kim: [dreamlike voice] I look forward to seeing them. ‘Cause they’re my family.
Sequoia: ‘Cause they’re my family. And we get along super well. [both laugh] The problem was that James was usually over at this particular period over the summer, but he had been forced to visit some family in the middle of nowhere. And his parents had been called to Hogwarts to have a meeting with Dumbledore on something or other.
Kim: Ohhh weird. Wait, Sirius’s or James’s?
Sequoia: Sirius’s parents.
Kim: Oh, he’s sad that his parents weren’t around.
Sequoia: Yeah no one’s…. no one’s around.
Kim: So James went to visit some family, which, Harry doesn’t have any family so I don’t know what they’re talking about.
Sequoia: Right. [both laugh]
Kim: And Sirius’s parents went to go hang out with Dumbledore instead of Sirius.
Sequoia: Yeah. Their good friend Dumbledore.
Kim: Weird. I like it. Weird.
Sequoia: With whom they have some business on something or other.
Kim: And they were gone. Was he been abandoned for a long time? A little bit of time?
Sequoia: It appears to me that…
Kim: Just today he’s kind of sad.
Sequoia: …it’s kind of been roughly an hour.
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh] That’s pretty Sirius.
Sequoia: It’s like [groans] there’s nothing to do here!
Kim: Dumbledore called them for a parent teacher conference.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It’s not actually… it’s Sirius related business.
Sequoia: It probably is.
Kim: Like, look.
Sequoia: Like, here’s the thing.
Kim: Your son.
Sequoia: You can not have a motorbike in the dormitories. It’s not… It can’t be next to his bed. [both laugh] It’s a little weird. So Sirius lay on his bed, a pack of tarot cards in his hand.
Kim: Mmm.
Sequoia: To be quite frank, he hated tarot cards. Every time he’d ever pulled them out, he’d always predicted something horrible. [both laugh]
Kim: I hate tarot! I ha… I’m gifted with foresight and all I see is bad stuff!
Sequoia: [continues laughing] The last time, he’d predicted he'd be attacked, and his sister had been killed by Voldemort himself.
Kim: Wow!
Sequoia: Just drop that in there. Just drop that on in there.
Kim: Sirius is bored. There’s no one to prank because Voldemort…
Both: …killed his sister. [laughs]
Kim: Hey, bud. [Sequoia still laughing] Hey, bud. Maybe focusing on the wrong part of that, bud.
Sequoia: Right? But Sirius was bored enough that he was desperate for anything to happen, even if it was absolutely horrible.
Kim: I don’t even know how to engage. [Sequoia laughs] That is such a wild thing to say.
Sequoia: Just be like, you know what? I’m so fucking bored I’ll just take out these tarot cards and even if Voldemort walks in here himself and just like murders me, at least something’s happening.
Kim: It’s preferable to boredom.
Sequoia: And it’s preferable to just laying here in my bed for the past hour with nobody to talk to.
Kim: Go for a walk.
Sequoia: [laughs] Do literally anything. So, when he flipped over the ace of cups (using a technique that only people especially gifted with the abilities of top rank seer could use)...
Kim: What does that… they’re just some cards. What?
Sequoia: He’s using a technique…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Which is, I think just flipping over cards.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: But since he’s gifted with the abilities of top rank seer…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …when he does flip over the cards, they are true instead of being…
Kim: Did you say ace of cubs? Is that a tarot card?
Sequoia: Ace of cups.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s a tarot card. You are still… [laughs]
Kim: I thought you said cubs and I was pretty sure that cubs isn’t tarot.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah, it’s cups.
Kim: I was like…
Sequoia: Cups is tarot.
Kim: Was like seventy percent certain. [Sequoia laughs] There aren’t cubs.
Sequoia: There might be. I don’t know. So he’s using his gift…
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: …to… to… to flip over…
Kim: To flip over the cards.
Sequoia: To flip over true cards.
Kim: Oh, sure. And not wrong cards.
Sequoia: And not wrong cards.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He was quite surprised.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Shaking his head slightly, he placed the card back on top of the pile.
Kim: Oh. Is that how telling the future works? You pull a card, you’re like, noooo.
Sequoia: You pull a card and are like, don’t like that. [laughs]
Kim: That’s not going to happen. And you put it back.
Sequoia: He pulled it out and he was like, wow, this is definitely not real. I hope that when he pulled the card that was like [lowers voice] your sister’s going to diem he was like yeah I don’t think so. [both laugh]
Kim: Well, it actually happened, so he must’ve kept it.
Sequoia: So he must’ve kept it. Convinced that there had been a mistake due to his loud and upbeat music…
Kim: Ooh!
Sequoia: …he shut it off.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: What do you think he was listening to?
Kim: ABBA.
Sequoia: Mmm. Yeah he would.
Kim: Yeah. ABBA.
Sequoia: [laughing] He was listening to ABBA and apparently ABBA throws off your internal top seer ability compass.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: So he turned it off.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: After a few minutes of the relaxing silence, he shuffled the cards again.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: A minute later found him flipping over another card, the page of cups. “Well,” Sirius mused to himself with a small smile.
Kim: Because we all know what that… that means.
Sequoia: We don’t. [laughs] They’ll tell us eventually.
Kim: When you keep pulling cups.
Sequoia: Cups. That means you’re dehydrated? [both laugh]
Kim: Is that what your tarot drawings look like?
Sequoia: Every single time.
Kim: It’s just all the cups.
Sequoia: It’s like, please drink any water. [both still laughing] “Well,” Sirius mused to himself with a small smile, “the summer’s certainly starting to look up, isn’t it? I wonder…”
Kim: Isn’t it?
Sequoia: Isn’t it?
Kim: Ohhh.
Sequoia: Cups, cups, cups. Cups galore. [both laugh]
Kim: This seems like nothing. I’m sorry.
Sequoia: “I wonder who this could represent?” He paused, thinking. “Well, one thing’s for sure, it’d better not be Lily! James would kill me!”
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: “And it better not be Remy either. I don’t think I could ever think of him like that. Hmmm. I wonder.”
Kim: Oh. This Sirius is just like canon Sirius. Extra bisexual.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: Love it! Love to see it.
Sequoia: Is it Sirius if it’s not extra bisexual?
Kim: Sometimes.
Sequoia: Yeahmm. [laughs]
Kim: So he doesn’t want it to be Remus because why?
Sequoia: “Cause he can’t ever think of him like that.
Kim: Yes you can. Who are you fucking fooling? [Sequoia laughs] Jesus Christ, Sirius. Be reasonable.
Sequoia: However, before he could get much wondering done, he heard his door slowly start to open, and the voice of his father floated into his room.
Kim: His parents were not gone very long.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Moping around like [whiny voice] no one’s here to play with me! And his parents are back like, hey buddy, how’s it going? {Sequoia laughs] Doing okay?
Sequoia: He’s like [nasal voice] oh, I’m so bored, I might as well cause a familial disaster. With my tarot cards. And his parents are just like chilling in the living room.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: [laughing] Sirius, we don’t have to announce when we come home!
Kim: [joins in laughter] He just didn’t hear the door open.
Sequoia: It’s ‘cause he was cranking ABBA so loud. [both laugh]
Kim: Do we need to specify an ABBA song so it can go on the playlist?
Sequoia: Yes. Ummmm. [begins to sing Super Trouper by ABBA] Super trouper, lights are gonna find me. Lights are gonna…
Kim: [begins singing Gimme Gimme Gimme by ABBA] Gimme, gimme, gimme… oh, okay. That’s a good one.
Sequoia: Yeah? Or Gimme Gimme Gimme?
Kim: I think it was Gimme Gimme Gimme. That’s my vote.
Sequoia: Isn’t it already on the podcast, though?
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Or, on the playlist?
Kim: Maybe.
Sequoia: I think Gimme Gimme Gimme is already on the playlist.
Kim: Well, just add some more ABBA.
Sequoia: [continues singing Super Trouper by ABBA] Super trouper… Oh yeah. That’s good. [Kim laughs] “Just go in and explain everything to him, would you? I’d do it myself but I’ve really got to run,” his father said to an unknown person, before the sound of fading footsteps heralded his departure.
Kim: Mmkay.
Sequoia: Still the door did not open.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Intrigued and thinking about his page of cups… [Kim laughs] Sorry, his [suggestively] page of cups.
Kim: That’s… I mean, you can…. oh, the eyebrows.
Sequoia: [suggestively] Page of cups.
Kim: The eyebrows are actually helping me maybe guess what this… this tarot card’s for. [Sequoia laughs] ‘Cause I had no idea before.
Sequoia: You didn’t? Not when he was… even when he was talking about Lily and Remy?
Kim: Oh right. I can put together context clues. [Sequoia laughs hysterically] Eyebrows are more helpful though.
Sequoia: [suggestively] Page of cups.
Kim: [chuckling] Who the fuck are you? Ricardo? A call back!
Sequoia: Ayyyyy! Love Ricardo. What a great guy. Okay. Intrigued and thinking about his [suggestively] page of cups, [trying to control laughter] Sirius sat up in his bed…
Kim: Who is this person lurking outside his bedroom? [Sequoia laughs] Weird.
Sequoia: …allowing his blankets to fall to his waist, revealing his bare chest.
Kim: [snickering] Hanging out naked in bed, listening to ABBA.
Sequoia: Listening to ABBA, doing tarot.
Kim: Sirius was having an afternoon and I’m here for him. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Great. For a full minute he sat like that, staring at his door with a single eyebrow raised. He was about to call for whomever was outside to come in, when the door was finally flung open.
Kim: And?!
Sequoia: His jaw dropped.
Kim: And?!
Sequoia: Standing in his doorway, was a sour and rather worse-for-wear looking [pause] Severus Snape. [laughs] [Kim sighs] Oh, this look! Oh, this look on your face. Oh no. Oh no. Awww.
Kim: Who did you say sent this to you?
Sequoia: Jessica.
Kim: Jessica. [Sequoia laughs] Jessica, listen to me. Why would you do this to me? Why would you attack me like this? On my own podcast.
Sequoia: [still laughing] Jessica, you’re doing an excellent job. Keep up the good work, okay? I see you. [both laugh] Jessica woke up and chose violence, okay?
Kim: Yes they did! Good god. [groans]
Sequoia: [still laughing] This is a pairing we’ve never done on the podcast.
Kim: Correct! [Sequoia laughs again] Because I have some tenuous grasp of control over this podcast usually!
Sequoia: Not today! Today this is me and Jessica’s podcast, all right? All right? His only thoughts were of his cards, of the studious and imaginative person the second one had represented, and the thought that Snape, of all people, was at his house and even possibly representing the card. “Bloody hell,” was all he managed to utter before he promptly passed out. [both laugh]
Kim: Passed out. So disturbed by seeing Snape that he just passes out. Incredible.
Sequoia: Snape. What is he do… he’s in my house. I can’t. He’s… are you my [suggestively] page of cups? [both laugh]
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: A pair of black… okay. A passage of time.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: A pair of black eyes slowly opened, took in the sight of Snape scowling above them, and promptly snapped shut again. [Kim laughs] “I'll still be here when you open your eyes again, Black,” Snape spat out with a sneer.
Kim: What the fuck is Snape doing here? I just… [sighs]
Sequoia: He’s here to hang out.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: You know. Sirius’s parents were like, this kid is like a… like a puppy dog.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: He has all this energy and he just needs to play all the time.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And he needs a friend.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: So, like, let’s just go grab one of his classmates.
Kim: Anyone. Any of them will work.
Sequoia: Just any classmate. Like, he’s fucking driving me insane. [both laugh] Just grab any one of them. Just like a person his age. Sirius only groaned in response. “Open your eyes, Black.”
Kim: No thank you. Then I would have to look at you.
Sequoia: You’re an insufferable something something. I don’t know why he’s not pleased, though, because at the very beginning of the story he was like, I don’t have any victims here.
Kim: That’s true.
Sequoia: And who is the ultimate…
Kim: Who’s the ultimate…
Sequoia: …prank…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …guinea pig?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Snape.
Kim: Yeah. Well, I think Sirius generally prefers to test his pranks before he uses them on Snape.
Sequoia: Hmm.
Kim: Gotta make sure they’re like grade A.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Kinda like the tippy toppy.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Can’t just use anything on Snape.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Can’t just transfigure the color of his hair, skin and robes again.
Sequoia: [laughs] He could get his parents to go get him some first years.
Kim: Yeah right? Mom.
Sequoia: Mom! Bring me…
Kim: Bring me first years so I can experiment on. Now that my sister’s dead. [Sequoia laughs] Yikes. Yikes.
Sequoia: Oh, man. Reluctantly, Sirius complied. He sat up straight and glanced at Snape. “Why the fuck are you here?” “I’ll be staying here a while. And it’s none of your business.”
Kim: It’s his house. What? Fine.
Sequoia: [laughing] “Oh.” Sirius shrugged nonchalantly, despite his uncomfortableness. “I suppose you’ll have to sleep in that bed over there. Assuming that we’ll last until tonight, of course.”
Kim: Does Sirius have more than one bed in his room?
Sequoia: Apparently, yes.
Kim: All right. That’s not weird.
Sequoia: And there’s no other rooms?
Kim: He and James have sleep overs all the time.
Sequoia: Well, James is supposed to be there already.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Living there. For the portion of the summer that he lives there.
Kim: Yeah. I think that’s… that’s not so unreasonable, I guess.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Second bed for James in Sirius’s room. ‘Cause they’re best friends.
Sequoia: ‘Cause they’re best friends.
Kim: James is NOT gonna love that Snape was touching his bed, though.
Sequoia: Oh, absolutely not.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: He’s going to have to burn it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: The whole thing.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And then Sirius’s parents are going to be like, Jesus Christ!
Kim: What is wrong with you two?
Sequoia: [laughing] What is wrong with both of you?
Kim: Why are you like this?
Sequoia: Just burn a perfectly good bed. “Thanks, Black.” Snape immediately crossed the room to the bathroom door, closing it behind him softly, and leaving Sirius to stare after him for a moment before turning his head back to his tarot cards with a frown. “Ace and page of cups.”
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: He growled out to them. “You sure as hell better give me something horrible to go with that.”
Kim: Uh huh!
Sequoia: [laughing] He picked them up calmly…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …somehow managed to relax himself…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and shuffled and cut the cards for the third time that night. Then, still calm… he has to use his special power.
Kim: His special divination powers.
Sequoia: …he flipped over the top card.
Kim: What was it?
Sequoia: Two of cups.
Kim: ‘Kay. I don’t know what that means.
Sequoia: Yeah, I don’t…well. Well, we’ll get a context clue here. “Oh, fuck you,” he spat at the cards, violently shoving them back in their box before throwing said box across the room. [Kim laughs] “What did those poor cards do to deserve your fury?”
Kim: Well, they did kill my sister, sooo…
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Came an amused voice from his bathroom, which a scantily leather clad Snape was emerging from. [laughs] [Kim screams] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: You come into my house. You say those words with your mouth to me?! [Sequoia continues to laugh hysterically] Get out!
Sequoia: Okay. Bye. Looks like I need a new co-host for the podcast. Jessica, hit me up!
Kim: Why the fuck has Snape put on…
Sequoia: Leather?
Kim: …scant leather?
Sequoia: It’s… he was getting more comfortable.
Kim: Those were his pajamas.
Sequoia: That’s his house clothes.
Kim: His leather pajamas.
Sequoia: His casual… yeah. Leather pajamas. Just like Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.
Kim: Right. Fine. This makes no… what the fuck is happening?!
Sequoia: “None of your business,” Sirius muttered, forcibly removing his eyes from the slightly interesting sight before him. Then he got up from his bed to pick up his cards and muttered something about a proper reading. “I don’t know why you’re so interested in the tarot, Black,” Snape said, apparently making an attempt at a decent conversation.
Kim: It was kind of rude.
Sequoia: Yeah that wasn’t… that was a… [laughs]
Kim: Also, Snape, can you like be a little more obvious and try a little harder? Like, maybe take it down. I know Sirius is thick.
Sequoia: Right. [bursts into laughter]
Kim: But really? Really? This is your approach?
Sequoia: I have to come over and…
Kim: For reasons.
Sequoia: For reasons, and wear this outfit. For reasons.
Kim: I’m going to change into something a little more comfortable. [both laugh] Horrible.
Sequoia: Ohhh man. “I’m not. I hate them. Whenever I take them out, I get really bad readings. And now that I’ve got a good one, it’s absolutely horrifying!” [Kim laughs] “I always get good readings.”
Kim: That’s nice.
Sequoia: “And how can you have a good reading that’s absolutely horrifying?” Snape sounded curious. “Well, if you really must know…”
Kim: Don’t tell him. Don’t.
Sequoia: “I think they’re telling me I’m about to fall in love with you.”
Kim: [high pitched] Why would you say that?!
Sequoia: [laughs] [singing] Why would you say that?
Kim: Why would you…? Why would you…? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: I’m about to fall in love with you.
Sequoia: Well, the tarot cards say that I’m about to fall in love with you. Disgusting. [both laugh] I’m upset. It’s upsetting me.
Kim: But they’ve never been wrong before. So…
Sequoia: So I guess, uhh, here we go.
Kim: I guess we’re going to kiss now. [both laugh]
Sequoia: There was a short pause. Then, “That’s disgusting.” “You’re telling me.” There was…
Kim: Snape. Snape.
Sequoia: Snape.
Kim: You’re not fooling anyone but Sirius!
Sequoia: [laughs] Ohhh man! [Kim sighs] There was another silence, in which Snape lay on his back in the bed Sirius told him he would sleep on and twiddled his thumbs, and Sirius got up to dig through his drawers, searching for something to do. His search eventually ended when he realized there was actually nothing to do. I don’t know what he was searching through his drawers for.
Kim: Anything.
Sequoia: You know… you know when you’re hungry…
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Sequoia laughs] Opens up the prank drawer and he’s like, hmmm, I’m really not feeling any of these.
Sequoia: Yeah this is not… this is not what I want.
Kim: Nothing to do with it. I could throw this fanged frisbee at Snape but that does… that lacks any subtlety. [Sequoia laughs] Never mind.
Sequoia: I don’t think subtlety is anyone’s forte in this situation.
Kim: True.
Sequoia: [laughing] Sighing, he collapsed back on his bed, absent mindedly shuffling his cards. This went on for a full ten minutes before Sirius decided he couldn’t take it any longer. “This is really boring.” “Yeah.” “Why are we agreeing?”
Kim: Which one of them said this is really boring?
Sequoia: Sirius. Sirius says this is really boring.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And Snape’s like, yeah.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: “Why are we agreeing?” “Do we have anything better to do?” “Probably not.” Another pause. “This is really boring.” [both laugh] His parents were so sick of him.
Kim: Yeah. Sirius. Oh my god.
Sequoia: “You already said that.”
Kim: There’s gotta be something better than talking to Snape that you could be doing.
Sequoia: “I did?” “Yes.” “Oh. Sorry.” “Whatever.” After another short pause passed…
Kim: I can really see why they’re about to fall in love. They just…
Sequoia: They really…
Both: …click.
Sequoia: So well.
Kim: They’re just really on the same wavelength.
Sequoia: After another short pause passed, “This is really boring,” he stated.
Kim: Go for a walk, Sirius. Do something.
Sequoia: [chuckling] He is like a puppy.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like a puppy.
Kim: Snape, you need to take this person on a walk.
Sequoia: He needs to go for a walk.
Kim: He’s going to start tearing up a book or something.
Sequoia: Instead, Snape lunged. An hour later, both of them were called down to dinner. They were each sporting a few painful bruises, but seemed perfectly nice to each other. In fact, they seemed to be getting along perfectly well.
Kim: Gross. Weird. What?
Sequoia: I think they got in a fist fight.
Kim: Yeah they wrestled and then…
Sequoia: They wra… they wrestled… they wrastled a little bit.
Kim: Yeah. And now they’re okay with each other.
Sequoia: And now they’re friends.
Kim: I hate this. [Sequoia laughs] Really.
Sequoia: They wrastled… I don’t think Sirius ever got dressed. Wait a second.
Kim: Yeah. Snape was wearing barely…
Both: …any leather! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: And Sirius is wearing god knows what but not a shirt.
Sequoia: [in a sultry tone] And they wrastled a little bit. [Kim laughs] And now they’re friends. [both laugh]
Kim: What is this ship? Can somebody help me?
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh my god.
Kim: Like, yeah, I guess. Maybe this made sense after book four. Did it?
Sequoia: Did it?
Kim: I don’t think it did!
Sequoia: No. I don’t think… it never made sense. [Kim squeaks] It never made sense. Especially pre book five. I think it never made sense… it’s like mid book five.
Kim: Post book… [both laugh] when Snape’s trying to kill Sirius.
Sequoia: No. When they’re both in the Order together and…
Kim: Snape’s trying to goad Sirius into dying?
Sequoia: Yeah. [bursts into laughter]
Kim: That… that’s when this ship makes sense?
Sequoia: That’s when it makes the most sense. [both laugh] Oh my god. So an hour later they were called down to dinner and they seemed to be getting along perfectly well.
Kim: Lovely.
Sequoia: Lovely. “I’m glad you two are getting along so well,” Sirius’s mother said cheerfully, now sporting an insane grin so like Sirius’s that honestly it scared Snape. Mrs. Black disappeared into the room with a flick of her blue-streaked black hair.
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: For whatevers. For reasons.
Kim: She’s a cool mom.
Sequoia: [chuckles] With a disturbed glance at the snickering Sirius, Snape disappeared into the kitchen as well, scowling. A passage of time.
Kim: Mmkay.
Sequoia: “No, no, no!” Sirius woke up suddenly. He stared across the room at where Snape was sleeping, tossing and turning restlessly in his bed. He wondered absently what was going on for a moment, but all his thoughts were cut short as Snape suddenly screamed. He jumped out of bed, running over to the other boy. “Snape! Snape, wake up! Come on, you idiot, you’re just dreaming!” Sirius yelled frantically, shaking his rival. I don’t know that you’re rivals any more.
Kim: Rival?
Sequoia: I don’t know… I don’t know if that’s… I don’t think…
Kim: Rival’s an interesting way to put it.
Sequoia: [laughs] I think especially at this point of the story, I think rivals…
Kim: You know? I think you could pretend that they’re rivals at this point. There was light enough canon that you could say… just say they were rivals.
Sequoia: Yeah. Sirius grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him hard until he snapped out of it. “What the hell was that about, Snape?” Sirius asked breathlessly. “Nothing.” [Kim splutters] “Just forget about it.” Snape muttered, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. “Just forget about it.” Sirius was speechless. Forget about it? The guy looked like he was about to cry!
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: “I’m not going to forget about it. And you were grabbing your forearm. What’s there that hurts you so bad?” “I’m not telling you!” Snape snapped, glaring at Sirius. “Just drop it!”
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Sirius glared back at Snape for a second before grabbing his arm and pushing the sleeves up. “Tha… that’s the dark mark!” Sirius gasped in reply. “Y… you’re not a… a… are you?”
Kim: This is an interesting direction that this has taken.
Sequoia: Mhm. It takes a really [pause] hard turn.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. [Sequoia laughs] Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I’m confused. And intrigued?
Sequoia: Snape’s lips thinned unpleasantly. This… this is… you know, every one of these stories where Snape is paired up with someone that you actually like, you have to give Snape a reason to be like pitied.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Not that he isn’t already sort of pitiable.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: As a young person.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But you have to give him like a…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. “I didn’t have a choice,” he muttered. “That’s why I’m here. I owled Dumbledore as soon as I’d found out I was going to get it, but he was too late to stop them.”
Kim: This is actually a pretty common trope in Draco stories too.
Sequoia: Yeah. The like I…
Kim: Where Draco gets forced into the death eaters and needs to be saved.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. I think it’s interesting especially pre Order of the Phoenix in this place where Sirius’s family, we don’t know yet…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …how terrible they were.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: So in this context, like, they’re the kind of people who would save…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …this, you know, person who's been forced into the death eaters or whatever.
Kim: Yeah this is… this is a weird space we’re in. It’s interesting.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. “That’s why I’m here. He took him away, but not before…” Sirius didn’t even stop to think, he just did what came naturally to him. He sat down on the bed next to Snape and pulled the boy into his arms. To his surprise, Snape allowed him to do that, burying his face in Sirius’ chest. [Kim groans] Whatuhhh?
Kim: Nothing!
Sequoia: Sirius pulled him closer, and ran a hand through his hair. [Kim groans] “It’ll be all right, Severus,” he muttered soothingly…
Kim: It absolutely the fuck won’t. [Sequoia laughs] But continue.
Sequoia: …not even aware that he’d used his first name. The sun crept into the room, gradually… Oh. Passage of time.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: The sun crept…
Kim: They sat there hugging for hours.
Sequoia: Hugging forever. Forever.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Yeah. The sun crept into the room, gradually reaching the form of the two boys, fast asleep on Snape’s bed. Sirius blinked sleepily as the light got to his eyes. He felt a warm body in his arms and squinted down at it, wondering where it had come from. [both splutter and laugh]
Kim: Where’d you come from?
Sequoia: Who’s this?
Kim: Who’s this? What is this?
Sequoia: Who’s this guy here? Look what I…
Kim: Check this out.
Sequoia: Oh jeez. The past night rushed back into his mind. “Severus?” he whispered to the sleeping form, shaking Snape slightly. Snape only groaned, attempting to bury himself even farther into Sirius’s arms.
Kim: [barely audible] Jesus Christ.
Sequoia: [laughing] Now I’m just doing this to be mean.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: I could’ve stopped this already.
Kim: I just… I’m just going to have an out of body experience for the next little bit. [both laugh] Be back when this is over.
Sequoia: “Severus, wake up!” Snape reluctantly opened his eyes, and looked up into Sirius’s. “Wha… what are you doing?” [both laugh] And then paused. “Oh, wait, I remember. Did you just call me Severus?” [Kim blows a raspberry] [trying not to laugh] Sirius stared down at him, eyes widening in surprise. “I… I guess I did. Well…”
Kim: Imagine that! Ooh! [Sequoia laughs] Oooh, how weird. How do you get…
Sequoia: What?
Kim: How does this… is this an AU? Or how does this get… how do these two get from here to where they are in like Prisoner of Azkaban? Right?
Sequoia: Hmm.
Kim: Where they fucking hate each other.
Sequoia: Hmm. You know, lovers’ quarrel.
Kim: Sure. Right. Yeah.
Sequoia: Something something. Lily something something.
Kim: Yeah. Sure.
Sequoia: Remus?
Both: Something something. Death Eaters. [both laugh]
Sequoia: You know?
Kim: Something something.
Sequoia: Something something. “Hey, well, I can’t hate you now, can I? I mean, jeez, you fell asleep in my arms crying!” Sirius shook his head thoughtfully. “Are you all right?”
Kim: No! Like li… no! How would he be… how’s that… [sighs]
Sequoia: “What do you think?” Snape asked with a growl.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “I just had the worst fucking month of my life, and now…” “And now?” Sirius prompted.
Kim: And now?!
Sequoia: Snape sighed. “Would you believe me if I told you that I’ve been in love with you since second year?”
Kim: Fuck right off.
Sequoia: [laughs hysterically] I came here and packed only my leather on purpose. [both laugh] Sirius gaped at him. “S… second year?” “Yes. When you said the thing about the tarot cards, about you falling in love with me, I nearly fainted. And then, when you hugged me when I broke down, I was going to pull away, to yell at you, but I wanted to believe the cards were right, that maybe you had fallen in love with me, and I couldn’t bring myself to pull away.” Sirius… [bursts into laughter] Should… should I take a picture of you? This is good. I am causing Kim physical pain. I just wanted you all to know. I think it’s important to the… for the… [laughs]
Kim: Does Sirius even say he loves him?
Sequoia: No! He literally just like hugged him. [Kim squeals] Just like this… I mean it was a long hug.
Kim: It was.
Sequoia: It was… it was a hours long hug.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But it was just the hug the one time.
Kim: Yeah. All right. Contin… please just get through this.
Sequoia: [laughs] “I don’t love you,” Sirius said slowly, staring down into Snape’s tearing eyes. “But I think that maybe, if I knew more about you, then perhaps I could. If you wouldn’t mind sharing, that is.” Snape stared up at Sirius wordlessly, shocked.
Kim: That was an entirely reasonable thing for Sirius to say then.
Sequoia: Yeah. Right? [laughs] He’s like, okay, slow your roll.
Kim: Like, I know… I know I’m furious and whatever. Credit where credit’s due.
Sequoia: Snape stared up at Sirius wordlessly, shocked. And before either of them knew what he was doing, he pressed his lips harshly against the other’s.
Kim: I don’t think that’s what Sirius just said.
Sequoia: That is not what he just said.
Kim: Sirius did just say let’s talk.
Sequoia: Yeah. Then he was like, make out now? [Kim smacks her lips} [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: Sirius returned the kiss, slowly at first, but eventually becoming more enthusiastic.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: As they broke apart, Sirius wondered if perhaps tarot cards weren’t that bad after all.
Kim: They killed your sister, dude. [Sequoia bursts out laughing] Hey, bud. Hey, bud. Let’s circle back. Can we circle back? We didn’t circle back to that.
Sequoia: [trying not to laugh] No! It was mentioned off handedly one time at the beginning of the story. [both laugh] The end.
Kim: Well.
Sequoia: There you go.
Kim: I did get a point.
Sequoia: You got a point. You did get a point.
Kim: But at what cost?
Sequoia: But at what cost? Yeah that is true. But at what cost?
Kim: What cost indeed.
Sequoia: But at what cost?
Kim: Normally we would be like, thanks for reading…
Sequoia: Oh, I’ll do it. [laughs]
Kim: You do that.
Sequoia: Thanks so much to Jessica for sending that in to us. I… [groans] I could’ve only dreamed to find such a pairing…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …to read directly to Kim’s face.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And thank you for your help.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And now it’s time for…
Kim: …a segment! Let’s do…
Both: [singing] …summaries!
Kim: Which is a ongoing segment where we play the awesome story summaries that you all wrote for us for our hundredth episode. Take it away, you. [both laugh] Listener.
Sequoia: Goddamnit!
Listener: [slow drawling voice, used for Snape throughout] “You required my assistance, Minerva?” Snape asked as he emerged from the fireplace, brushing soot from his robes. [Scottish accent, used for McGonagall throughout] “Yes, Severus, you’re kind to oblige me at this hour.” She motioned to him to sit, offering him a ginger newt, which he bit into reluctantly. He abhorred flavor. “I need to bring you up to speed.” Severus steadied himself. Being offered a biscuit usually meant bad news was imminent. “Poppy has asked if you would go over some basic wound care potions. We’re going into a serious increase in what I can only describe as unusual injuries.” “Unusual?” Snape sneered, his black eyes glittering with schadenfreude. When McGonagall passed him the note, he blanched and said, “Perhaps we ought to tighten security around the broom sheds. Or simply glue McLaggen’s over ambitious thighs together with a permanent sticking charm.” “Argus setting detention inside the broom shed certainly didn’t help,” she added with a shake of her disbelieving head. “But it’s not only that. Students are injuring themselves attempting to summon He Who Must Not Be Named.” Snape choked on his biscuit. “Anapneo,” McGonagall incanted lazily as a part of half masticated newt flew into her fireplace. “That pustule Belby actually burned a chocolate dark mark into his arm. I hear it was delicious.” He spat vindictively. Nobody ever thought to save him any accidental dessert. “They’re pronouncing his name with a hard T.” Snape rose, attempting to stop her, but the word had already escaped. “Voldemort.” The next instant Tom Riddle’s nostrils flared. “For Merlin’s sake, Minerva, I didn’t name myself after the French for flight of death so that upstarts like you could make me sound like some Muggle supermarket. For the last time, drop the T and roll the R. As in [rolls the R] Crrrrucio!” Snape buckled and fell to his knees. Minerva rolled her eyes and Tom helped himself to a biscuit.
Sequoia: Thank you so much for that summary. And now it’s time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pew pew pewwww!
Sequoia: The rec zone today is a little… going to be a little different.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We’re going to do something a little different for ya.
Kim: Yep. We read a book.
Sequoia: We read a book that was so incredible.
Kim: Sooo nice. And it did my soul so good.
Sequoia: It’s called One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston. It’s gay.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It’s a mystery.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: There’s time travel.
Kim: Yeah! [Sequoia laughs] There’s also found family.
Sequoia: There’s also found family.
Kim: Such good found family.
Sequoia: Some excellent drag queens.
Kim: Yes! I think everyone should read it.
Sequoia: I think everyone should read it, but I especially think that the people who like this podcast would like it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So that’s our rec.
Sequoia: You can find a link to purchase that book…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …on the description of this episode.
Kim: Where our rec would normally be.
Sequoia: Where our rec would normally be. Yes. [Kim laughs] You can also find a link to purchase this book, as well as links to our other recommendations on our website, fanaticalfics.com.
Kim: That’s also where our story submission form is if you want to do more violence. I guess.
Sequoia: [laughing] If you wake up and choose violence, send it to me. I’m ready. [Kim fake cries] Also on the website you can find Yes!! Glitter!!!
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: You can find a link to our TeePublic, where there are several designs, including the fabulous Blaise Zabini and Zach from our one hundredth episode.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: You can get them on mugs, t-shirts, notebooks, pillows. All sorts of stuff.
Kim: If you have more thoughts about cursed fanfic mediums [Sequoia laughs] that you would like to tweet at us, we have the sos… soc…
Both: We have the soc meds.
Kim: We have those good soc meds. We are @FanaticalFics on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. And if you have longer thoughts about whatever, email them to us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: If you want to help out the podcast there’s a couple of ways to do that. First things first, leave a review here on Apple Podcasts or on Facebook or grab some sidewalk chalk and do it on the sidewalk outside your house.
Kim: Yep. You can also trick…
Sequoia: Everyone.
Kim: 2021!
Sequoia: It’s pretty self explanatory.
Kim: Yeah. It is.
Sequoia: You can also support us on Patreon. On Patreon we’ve got all sorts of stuff. You can… today we did a livestream for our bonus content.
Kim: We did. It was wild.
Sequoia: Peeps, it was wild. [rolling the R] Raven Blackwing and The Orb of the Elements.
Kim: Those are a ton of fun and they do sit… like, you can’t come live, obviously, because it already happened.
Sequoia: Yeah, but you can still watch it.
Kim: But you can watch it. Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. And we also just got our new piece of exclusive merch in.
Kim: Yeah, we did.
Sequoia: It’s a keychain and it says forget your dead lover at Hawaiian Waves.
Kim: It’s very good. Sequoia did the design for that and I [singsong voice] love it.
Sequoia: And if you’re a patron at a certain tier for a certain amount of months, we will give you a shout out on the podcast in the form of a story summary, or, as Kim has been doing lately, a full fanfiction.
Kim: What? [Sequoia laughs] This is probably a summary.
Sequoia: Take it away!
Kim: Marlene McKinnon has known no peace for the last week. Lily was on the warpath near the beginning of this mess, but as the days have worn on with no solution to the latest prank gone wildly out of hand [Sequoia laughs] even she’s become worn down. It started with the record blaring across the Great Hall at breakfast, which got the song stuck in everyone’s heads.
Sequoia: [gasps] Oh no.
Kim: But then the curse mutated until the song was spreading even if you just caught the sound of someone humming it faintly. Now it’s all anyone can think about. Classes have been cancelled and the castle is under quarantine, lest it spread beyond the walls. [Sequoia laughs] And the culprits? Well, they are all entirely too pleased with themselves and the chaos they’ve caused. Now it seems like Marlene is going to have to solve this one herself.
Sequoia: Yeah! Marlene! We don’t get enough Marlene.
Kim: We do not.
Sequoia: Thanks so much to Kylie Sue, Kat Chapman, Renee Gurtchow, Katie Escot, Stephanie Ventura, Megan Wilds and Amber Wacker. You are all incredible and thank you so much for supporting us on Patreon. It means a lot.
Kim: Thanks also to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their song Wolfstar as our theme song.
Both: Byyyyeeeee!