Episode 105: Practice/Zodiac Lullaby
Recommendation: Deux Jeunes Filles
https://archiveofourown.org/works/30182
Kim: It was Draco's birthday the other day.
Sequoia: It was!
Kim: It was his forty first birthday.
Sequoia: His forty first birthday?
Kim: What did you do in observance of Draco Malfoy's birthday?
Sequoia: That was yesterday, right?
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Huh, what did I do yesterday? [both laugh]
Kim: Okay, cool. Cool.
Sequoia: I slept…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …and then I slept some more…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: [haltingly] …and then I watched some YouTube videos. [laughs]
Kim: So you observed his birthday. [laughs]
Sequoia: So I observed his… so I observed Draco Malfoy’s birthday in the proper way, as one should, which is to take a couple of naps and watch some YouTube videos. Like Draco Malfoy would want you to.
Kim: C-c-c-cool.
Sequoia: To enjoy…
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: …his birthday.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: What’d you do?
Kim: [pause] I had a bit, but I think that's better. I think what you said is better. [both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: A Harry Potter fanfiction podcast. Still!
Sequoia: Still.
Kim: Still! Still just that.
Sequoia: After all this time. After all this time.
Kim: Still that.
Sequoia: Always.
Kim: Still chugging. Aw, fuck you, man. [Sequoia laughs] [singing] A-fuck-ah you!
Sequoia: So here's the thing…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: …I just want to say really quickly.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: You know, like, a lot of the times, we have like a million things to say up top.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And lately we've been struggling to come up with a million things to say up top. And…
Kim: I dunno why that is. [laughs]
Sequoia: I realized… I kind of realized what it was.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: It’s because usually around this time of year we're about to do something insane. Like truly…
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Or, like, or we are like mid… yeah.
Kim: Or we are like, in the process of doing something really stupid.
Sequoia: Really stupid.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And just, like, time consuming but ultimately beautiful.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And we…
Kim: Got that out of the way early this year!
Sequoia: We got that out of the way early this year. So…
Kim: Oh! How clever of us.
Sequoia: Yeah, now we're just, like, sitting here.
Kim: Having a really calm June.
Sequoia: Yeah. It's really strange.
Kim: Huh. Huh!
Sequoia: It's really strange.
Kim: Are we on top of shit or are we forgetting something?
Sequoia: Oh, we're definitely forgetting something.
Kim: Uh oh.
Sequoia: [laughs] Can't remember what I've forgotten. Oops!
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Am I gonna be on it with the Harry Potter quotes today?
Kim: Apparently!
Sequoia: I dunno.
Kim: It’s a little odd.
Sequoia: Yeah, I didn’t…
Kim: This was not the energy I was expecting.
Sequoia: It wasn't the energy I was expecting either! [laughs]
Kim: Have you been looking at the canon of late?
Sequoia: No! [chuckles] When the fuck am I looking at the canon, my dude?
Kim: Why would anyone look at the canon? [both laugh]
Sequoia: We did want to… to have, like, a quick reminder though.
Kim: Yeah, we haven't talked about this in a while, but we announced this last year.
Both: Last year?
Kim: Two years ago?
Sequoia: I think it was two years ago. [both laugh] Woo!
Kim: Woo!
Sequoia: We are doing well. 2020 was a year.
Kim: Fuck me, man. We are continuing to donate to The Trevor Project and the Harry Potter Alliance on an ongoing basis.
Sequoia: Well, the Harry Potter Alliance has actually just been rebranded as Fandom Forward.
Kim: And we're very excited about it.
Sequoia: Yeah! We are very… definitely. It's a great move for them, and I'm really excited for them.
Kim: Yeah! I think those are two organizations that we really are happy to be able to support.
Sequoia: So we are donating. That ten percent is of our Patreon proceeds. So when you are a patron on Patreon, you are also supporting the Trevor Project and Fandom Forward.
Kim: So thank you, thank you for helping us do that.
Sequoia: [haltingly] And now, uh, we will do the podcast.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Yeah?
Kim: Yeah. I mean, we're recording a little on the early side so we don't get to be like, this is the thing that you used to say that meant turn up at the club. I mean, we could say that if we remembered to look into that.
Sequoia: That’s true, if we… yeah.
Kim: But…
Sequoia: I mean, we did have a conversation with our friends the other night.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: You had a barbecue.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: We did poll our friends to try and see if we could figure out what the 2003 version of turning up at the club was.
Kim: And then we just kind of listened to some music from that time period.
Sequoia: Some club music from the 2000s. [laughs]
Kim: And di… we didn't come to any conclusions.
Sequoia: No, no, we…
Kim: Except that…
Sequoia: We bumped some Usher, some Fiddy Cent, and still… I… no, no, because then I was like, it's just in the club.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: It's just to… to exist within the space that is designated as…
Kim: …the club. Aha.
Sequoia: [laughs] But yes, we are recording a little bit early, so our episode hasn't come out yet as of recording, so we don't have your lovely input on the club. We don't have your lovely input on Dumbledore's outfit. We're still looking forward to that.
Kim: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: So instead, we'll just go straight into the episode, or whatever.
Kim: Okay. I've got two stories for us today.
Sequoia: Nice! We haven't done two stories in a minute.
Kim: Yeah. We've been killing it on actually finding stuff. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Not only that, but we just can handle so few words at this point that it is pretty difficult to…
Kim: Yeah, it's a little dangerous. This is… this is a little dangerous, what I'm about to do. No, it's not. I'm… I'm on the… I'm on the thin side, I think…
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: …of words.
Sequoia: We'll see if we can continue this, like, crazy point streak that we're on in this, dude.
Kim: Mhm!
Sequoia: And I have so many pointportunities today.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: You're looking at me like I'm gonna… I’m gonna fall flat on my face after saying that. [Kim makes a shrugging noise] You're looking at me like…
Kim: Yeah, I mean, you’re hyping yourself up maybe a little too much. [Sequoia laughs] So…
Sequoia: All right. All right. Give me some clues. I'm ready.
Kim: Cool. This first one that I am going to read to us today is called Practice.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I would tag this one humor.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: I'm trying to decide if I would also tag it romance. Maybe.
Sequoia: Maybe.
Kim: It's got a kind of maybe romance tag. It could go either way. I'm not sure what the author would have tagged it.
Sequoia: Okay. Hmm.
Kim: And then the time period… this just barely fits in our time period. This is a post Deathly Hallows. [Sequoia gasps] Give me three guesses…
Sequoia: Post…
Kim: …on what's gonna happen in Practice.
Sequoia: Prediction number one, there's Quidditch in this story.
Kim: Aight.
Sequoia: Prediction number two, someone learns a new spell in this story.
Kim: Aight.
Sequoia: Prediction number three, there's practice kissing in this story.
Kim: Aight. [Sequoia laughs] Maybe one of those is right. We'll have to see! In this story called Practice.
Sequoia: Practice! [laughs]
Kim: [whiny drawl] “So, see you guys later,” Draco said.
Sequoia: [singing] Draco!
Kim: He's here. He's here, briefly.
Sequoia: [laughs] Briefly.
Kim: Draco said, and gave the last few fixes to his hair. “I’m going with Pansy to… you know.”
Sequoia: Agh! [laughs]
Kim: It’s good I wasn’t making eye contact when I said that.
Sequoia: Ugh, Draco, nobody wants to know!
Kim: You know!
Sequoia: Nobody asked, ugh! [laughs] Yeah, that's worse with the eye contact.
Kim: Aight.
Sequoia: It’s worse.
Kim: Aight.
Sequoia: Nobody asked you, Draco. Nobody wanted to know.
Kim: It's true, they didn't. [Sequoia laughs] Draco leered at Vincent and Gregory to make sure they had understood his meaning, before going.
Sequoia: [laughs] I’m surprising he's not like, winking eight hundred times.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Just wink with one eye, and then wink with the other eye.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Wink with one eye, wink with the other eye. Both eyes.
Kim: Finger guns.
Sequoia: Finger guns, and then…
Both: …you knowww!
Sequoia: Finger guns. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: That's not really Draco energy. [both laugh] That’s US energy.
Sequoia: He really has to get it… he has to get it… the point across, though, to Crabbe and Goyle.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Because they need to know.
Kim: He’s got to impress them?
Sequoia: Why do they need to know? [both laugh]
Kim: They don’t need to know! Because he really needs to impress Vinny and Greg for some reason.
Sequoia: Some reason.
Kim: I don't know what the reason is.
Sequoia: There’s no reason.
Kim: They don't care. [Sequoia laughs] They don't care. Kind of surprised he's not taking them with him to guard him. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: To… yeah. You know, instead of putting a sock on the door, you station Vinny and Greg outside! [both laugh]
Kim: Of the Astronomy Tower, which is almost certainly where Draco's going.
Sequoia: A hundred percent. [both laugh]
Kim: Vincent looked sour, and Gregory tried to look like he was engrossed in his magazine instead of thinking of Draco and Pansy now, snogging and groping and…
Sequoia: Ach! I hate that word. [laughs]
Kim: It’s bad. It’s horrible.
Sequoia: I hate that word!
Kim: It’s a horrible way to describe… anything.
Sequoia: Ughhh [laughs]
Kim: Probably just don't. Probably just don't! And he was fairly sure they hadn’t shagged yet, because surely Draco would have boasted about it.
Sequoia: But that's what he's doing! Isn't he… isn't he boasting about it?
Kim: He's boasting…
Sequoia: He's saying, you know? But okay, so they don't know! [laughs]
Kim: They do not know, I guess. I guess we have circled back to: they don't know. I'm also kind of thinking that maybe Draco doesn't know what he's gonna go do.
Sequoia: No. Yeah! You… YOU know. YOU… you know, right?
Kim: You know.
Sequoia: [quietly] Do you know? Do you know…? Do you know what I'm doing?
Kim: Do you know what we’re doing?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, I also… I think it's funny that…
Kim: Pansy knows.
Sequoia: Pansy is the… yeah. [both laugh] Pansy is in charge. Yeah. I mean, it's funny that neither Crabbe or Goyle… I feel like they should be the ones doing the finger guns. Like, Draco's like, you know, you know, you know? And he winks like five hundred times and Crabbe and Goyle go, eyyy!
Kim: No, they're kind of just like, ugh. [Sequoia laughs] Do you have to tell us?
Sequoia: I like that. I like that.
Kim: I'd rather you didn't tell us. We don't need… we actually don't need to know.
Sequoia: Wait a second. Nobody asked!
Kim: Yeah! [laughs] “Do you have any girls, Greg?” Vincent asked. [Sequoia scoffs] I dunno what that means. [both laugh] Whatever. “Hardly,” Gregory snorted.
Sequoia: I also don't know what that means!
Kim: Yeah. That doesn't… that isn’t…
Sequoia: Be like, hey, you, uh…? You going out with some ladies? He's like, hardly.
Kim: Barely. [both laugh] I don't think this is really supposed to happen!
Sequoia: I don't think that that's... yeah! He's trying not to say, no, absolutely not, I am not. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. I have not ever even been within six feet of a girl. Which is weird. Weird how I've avoided that. “I haven’t even snogged a girl, and he gets to fool around with them every night,”
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: Vincent complained. Them? Hmm.
Sequoia: Ohh!
Both: Ohhhhhh!
Kim: Oh, scandalous.
Sequoia: Scandal! Draco, when are you doing your homework? [both laugh]
Kim: Right? It’s not like Vinny and Greg can do your homework for you.
Sequoia: Exactly. [both laugh]
Kim: His homework! He's got a first year doing it. That's a bad idea too, wait a second!
Sequoia: That’s terrible, wait a second! That’s a terrible idea.
Kim: Draco. Vincent complained and cracked three of his knuckles. “‘S not fair, that’s what I’m saying.” Fair?
Sequoia: Fair? Fair?
Kim: You could try…
Sequoia: You could try talking to a girl.
Kim: …talking to a girl.
Sequoia: Making polite conversation.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Talking about the weather.
Kim: Hang out with anyone other than Draco and Greg, if you really… [sighs]
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, yeah.
Kim: “Glinda said girls practice kissing with each other.”
Sequoia: Oooooookayyyyyy. Heh heh heyyyy! [both laugh] Ya ya ya ya ya!
Kim: I was really hoping you would pick up what I was putting down.
Sequoia: Yeah, I did, I did. I'm really glad I did. [Kim laughs] Whoo! I love practice kissing stories!
Kim: What’s funnier than that?
Sequoia: It's just for practice!
Kim: It’s just for practice! Girls practice kissing each other.
Sequoia: Kissing each other! So clearly we can practice kissing each other too, Greg. Greg is my dude.
Kim: “Glinda says girls practice kissing with each other,” Greg said, or… Gregory said. Sorry, I call him Greg.
Sequoia: WE… we… [laughs]
Kim: Gregory said, faking disinterest and trying to fight back a blush…
Sequoia: Oh my god! [both laugh]
Kim: …realizing that he had as good as revealed discussing girl problems with his baby sister.
Sequoia: I mean…
Kim: He's embarrassed.
Sequoia: …also…
Kim: Nothing else is happening here!
Sequoia: Yeah, that's not… that’s not why you're embarrassed, Greg!
Kim: Just embarrassed because…
Sequoia: Because I talked to my sister one time about anything.
Kim: So I guess he has talked to a girl. But she is related to him.
Sequoia: His sister. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I like that her name’s Glinda.
Kim: Glinda Goyle.
Sequoia: Oh, that's a terrible name! I love it! [laughs]
Kim: No, it’s a great name. I’m into it.
Sequoia: Gregory Goyle and Glinda Goyle. Oh man.
Kim: So good! “I think that’s what’s not fair. They get an unfair advantage, and can judge if you are not good kissers, and then they won’t do it again with you if you suck.”
Sequoia: This sounds like speaking from personal experience.
Kim: It does kind of.
Sequoia: [laughing] It sounds like maybe… maybe there's a story behind that.
Kim: Yeah. That's what… that's what he meant by hardly.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: He tried to kiss a girl and she was like, what the fuck are you doing?
Sequoia: [laughs] It's like, can you just… your mouth is, like, wide open. [laughs]
Kim: Can you just close the mouth, like, a little bit?
Sequoia: Just like…
Kim: I'm not getting any closer to you until you close your mouth a little bit. [both laugh] I've been practicing kissing with my friends, so I know how to do it. [both laugh]
Sequoia: It's not fair that they have such an advantage!
Kim: “With each other?! Isn’t that, like, gross?” Vincent exclaimed.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Oh my god, Vincent, get woke, okay? [both laugh]
Kim: Kissing is grosssss!
Sequoia: With each other?!
Kim: Gregory looked up from his magazine. Vincent was sitting cross-legged on his bed, staring at Gregory, mouth half open. Gregory swallowed.
Sequoia: Oh no. Is this going to be Vinny's idea? Vinny is gonna get this… this little light bulb pop up above his head. You know, it IS unfair that they have this distinct advantage over us!
Kim: Gregory…
Sequoia: Maybe we could close that gap a little bit if we…
Both: Ehhh? Uhhh?
Kim: Gregory swallowed. “S’pose so,” he mumbled.
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my god. Oh my god.
Kim: Guess it is gross.
Sequoia: Is it, though?
Kim: Their eyes kept darting at the wall, back at each other, before shying away again. [both laugh] Now Gregory was definitely blushing.
Sequoia: Oh my god. The ceiling. The floor.
Kim: Uh huh. The magazine.
Sequoia: The magazine.
Kim: Back to Vinny.
Sequoia: Back to the wall.
Kim: Vinny’s looking at me. Gotta look somewhere else!
Sequoia: [strained] The ceiling! [both laugh]
Kim: “Do you think,” Vincent said slowly, “that it’d be easier if you got some practice, too? Sin… since they’re doing it too.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: I mean, it is only logical…
Kim: Uh huh?
Sequoia: …that…
Kim: Uh huh?
Sequoia: …we've been handed this information.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: There’s a… there's a… there's a secret practising thing that's happening over here.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: We've been granted that information. Logically…
Kim: Mhm!
Sequoia: …we too must… [laughs]
Kim: Mhm! Mhm!
Sequoia: …practise!
Kim: Mhm!
Sequoia: And since we also have this anecdotal evidence that Vinny doesn't know how wide his mouth should or should not be open in the kissing process…
Kim: [laughs] Uh huh.
Sequoia: …I think that this is only logical and rational.
Kim: Uh huh! [both laugh] Maybe we should practise, you know, just practice… [devolves into noises] “I…” Gregory said.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: He rubbed his sweaty palms on his robes. He shrugged. He looked at the corner. [laughs] Shit.
Sequoia: [cackles] He looked at the floor.
Kim: Oh, this author is doing such a good job.
Sequoia: This is great.
Kim: So funny.
Sequoia: This is great.
Kim: So funny. This is one of those, like, rec or read, rec or read.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Read.
Sequoia: Read.
Kim: Vinny/Greg? Kissing practice. Come on.
Sequoia: [laughs] Come on!
Kim: Come on. Thank you, listener.
Sequoia: Looked at us and said, uh huh!
Kim: Uh huh! These are idiots. All right, Greg… Greg is nervously looking around. “Everything gets easier with practice, doesn’t it? Like that cleaning charm you couldn’t learn at first, but then learned it after you practised it with Theo,” he said uncertainly.
Sequoia: It's just like any…
Kim: Any…
Sequoia: Anything you would learn to do.
Kim: Yeah! Yeah.
Sequoia: A spell.
Kim: Yeah, you practise with your friends first.
Sequoia: You practise with your friends.
Kim: Totally.
Sequoia: [laughs] You get some… you have some homework…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …that you do with your friends.
Kim: Uh huh. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh my GOD. What is more useless bisexual energy? [Sequoia laughs] Than like totally platonicallyyyy [singing] doing some stuff with your friends! Or whatever.
Sequoia: [laughs] Beautiful.
Kim: Vincent threw a nervous glance at the door. Closed. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh good, there… for a second I was like, are they just like in the common room?
Kim: No, they're in the dorm. [both laugh] Dorm room. “Oh, fuck it!” he cried, and jumped on Greg’s bed.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Oh my god! Okay!
Kim: He banged his head on Gregory's forehead…
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: …bumped their noses and clanked his teeth on Greg’s.
Sequoia: [high pitched voice] Oh my god! Oh my god, how?! This is like…
Kim: He is so incredibly bad at kissing. He kinda rolled the face… rolled the face all the way down.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Bonk, bonk, bonk.
Sequoia: Yeah it’s a… it’s a three…
Kim: Into the teeth.
Sequoia: Three areas of contact. [chuckles]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Damn.
Kim: Whoo! “Ow!” Gregory cried and drew back. “You idiot!” [both laugh] Vincent’s face was red, but he looked defiantly back. “See? Practising is a good idea.”
Sequoia: [cackles] Ohhhh! I mean, I honestly…
Kim: I think you should have already known that that was a bad idea. Come on, Vinny!
Sequoia: Right. He should’ve. [both laugh] I think that maybe I… I… I understand and agree that if this is how bad things are…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …like, if this is the dire situation…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …that we’re in?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Someone help that boy. [both laugh]
Kim: I don't think Greg's the one to help him, honestly.
Sequoia: I don't know, we’ll see!
Kim: We’ll see! Here we go. “What, are you practicing mauling?!” Gregory fumed. Vincent looked darkly at Gregory. “Okay, your turn. I’m not going to let you go around telling people I kissed you, so you better kiss me too.” [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god! Here's the thing. Several things. Several things. Several things.
Kim: Fuck me! [both laugh] Couldn’t even get through the fucking sentence! Oh my god, that's powerful!
Sequoia: Oh my god! You didn't.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: You didn’t kiss him.
Kim: You cracked your teeth together.
Sequoia: Yeah, you… yeah. [chuckles] Your faces did make contact. You did not kiss him.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Also…
Kim: Yes?
Sequoia: [laughs] Ugh, I kissed you, you kiss me now, because then you're gonna go tell people. You're gonna go tell people?!
Kim: [snorts] Not.
Sequoia: Like, running screaming into the common room?
Kim: Vinny just kissed me!
Sequoia: And the other Slytherins are like…
Kim: [whispers] What?
Sequoia: And then a couple of the other Slytherins are like, jeez, finally. Oh my god. Ugh. [both laugh]
Kim: Did you have any other thoughts?
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: There's a lot to that.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: That was so good.
Sequoia: Brilliant.
Kim: “If you call that a kiss,” Gregory mumbled. Correct.
Sequoia: Correct.
Kim: Not a kiss.
Sequoia: Not a kiss.
Kim: …before placing his hand on Vincent’s shoulder for balance and leaning in.
Sequoia: Ahh. Balance. [Kim laughs] Step one to kissing: Balance.
Kim: Steady yourself…
Sequoia: Steady!
Kim: …by… by…
Sequoia: Steady!
Kim: By bracing yourself against the nearest solid object. That’s how kissing works. [both laugh] A lot of hand motions happening, if you couldn't tell from… the vibes.
Sequoia: Steady! [both laugh]
Kim: It was wet. And weird. Better than the previous attempt?
Sequoia: Gross. [both laugh]
Kim: Correct! “Mmmph,” Vince said. Vince.
Sequoia: Hee hee.
Kim: I think you mean Vinny.
Sequoia: You mean Vinny.
Kim: Gregory broke the kiss. “What?” “I think it should…” And Blaise opened the door.
Sequoia: [screaming] Whaaaat!?
Kim: Vincent jumped back.
Sequoia: Oh my god, is Blaise here to help?!
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Oh damn.
Kim: Blaise is here to ruin everything.
Sequoia: [groans] Oh, fuck, man!
Kim: Somebody had to cut them off.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: No?
Sequoia: They didn't.
Kim: Oh. [both chuckle] They didn't lock the door, they just closed the door.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Their mistake.
Sequoia: Man, they're making mistakes all over the place honestly.
Kim: Rookie mistake.
Sequoia: Don't you know? Didn't your sister tell you that when you practice kissing, you have to… [chuckles]
Kim: “Okay brilliant thanks Greg I’ll go get one now!” he said and bolted out of the room.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Oh jeez.
Kim: Blaise was, like oh my god. What? [Sequoia whispers inaudibly] Why… I could see you. [Sequoia laughs] Your faces are all wet. [Sequoia screeches] What the fuck?
Sequoia: It's just… [both laugh] That’s so gross! Okay, okay, okay.
Kim: “Get what?” Blaise asked. “Don’t ask,” Gregory said, and picked up his scrunched magazine. The end.
Sequoia: Ohhhh! [both laugh] I got a point!
Kim: Congratulations!
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Kim: I’m so glad you picked it up.
Sequoia: Yes-uh.
Kim: ‘Cause obviously. Obviously.
Sequoia: Practice kissing!
Kim: What is funnier…
Sequoia: What is…
Both: …than practice kissing?
Kim: I'm not totally sure.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It’s so funny.
Sequoia: It’s so funny.
Kim: We haven't done… we haven't done a practice kissing on the main pod yet, have we?
Sequoia: No, we've done a… we did… a Patreon bonus episode had it, but not on the main. Not on the main feed.
Kim: Heheheheheh. Hope you all liked THAT.
Sequoia: I know they did. I know they did. Because this was also very well done.
Kim: Very funny.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Very good.
Sequoia: Very good.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Oh. I do want an alternate ending where Blaise was there to help.
Kim: Yeah. Blaise is like, I can't watch this any longer! [Sequoia laughs] You two need some examples. Stick out your tongue! [Sequoia laughs] It goes downhill from there.
Sequoia: Blaise… yeah. Blaise is like, you two need some examples. Looks around the common room, goes, Malfoy!
Kim: Theo!
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Chop chop! [both laugh] Oh my god.
Sequoia: Okay, you have another one for me.
Kim: You ready for another one?
Sequoia: I am ready for another one!
Kim: This story is called Zodiac Lullaby.
Sequoia: What the fuck? [laughs]
Kim: For some reason. [singing] I couldn’t tell you why!
Sequoia: Oh great, that's gonna give me absolutely nothing.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: Thank you
Kim: The genre is romance/humor.
Sequoia: Oh good.
Kim: And the time period is post Order of the Phoenix. This one is also a listener submission from an anonymous listener. Thank you very much.
Sequoia: All right, I guess I'm just fucking shooting from the hip here today on this second story.
Kim: You already got a point today.
Sequoia: Yeah, so I'm not really that concerned about it. I'm gonna go with, half of this romantic pairing is Luna Lovegood. I'm gonna go with, there is a romantic declaration by the lake. And I am gonna go with, this story takes place at The Burrow.
Kim: Those are all good tries.
Sequoia: Thanks buddy.
Kim: Let’s read…
Both: …Zodiac Lullaby. [both laugh]
Kim: Why? Okay, maybe we'll figure it out. I don't think we will. [Sequoia laughs] Luna sighed. [Sequoia gasps dramatically] Luna’s here.
Sequoia: Luna’s here!
Kim: Luna’s present. How could it be that someone as smart as Hermione could be so oblivious?
Sequoia: Oh my god. [singing] Oh my god, is this really real?
Kim: Shit.
Sequoia: Ha ha ha! [squawks]
Kim: I don't know. This wasn't crop circles or aliens, this was something here and now. How could she deny this? The two of them were meant to be.
Sequoia: Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes! Yes they were, yes!
Kim: Yeah! All right. All right.
Sequoia: Yes they were. Na na na na na! I'm so jazzed, for several reasons.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah?
Sequoia: One, I got a point.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: Two, though, this pairing is [sings] bonkers!
Kim: Yeah, this is a weird one. I feel like Luna… Lunamione would kind of need to be a bit of a slow burn.
Sequoia: A bit?
Kim: A lot a bit of a slow burn.
Sequoia: A lot a bit of a slow burn, and like, I maybe only buy it post Hogwarts.
Kim: Yeah. Oh, for sure. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. But I do like that… [chuckles] I do like that we are getting this from Luna being like, clearly.
Kim: Clearly. Obviously.
Sequoia: Obviously.
Kim: The two of them were meant to be. It was written in the stars, for Merlin's sake!
Sequoia: Oh! [chuckles] Right there in front of you. It's right there!
Both: In the stars!
Kim: See, that one’s Luna, and that one's Hermione, and they're kissing.
Sequoia: [laughs] Can't you see that?
Kim: What if we were stars and we kissed? What?
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh man!
Kim: Stupid, I’m sorry. They would be as perfect a couple as the Abominable Snowman and the Dalai Lama.
Sequoia: Are they… is that supposed to be a perfect couple?
Kim: Apparently.
Sequoia: The Abominable Snowman and the Dalai Lama?
Kim: You know how Luna is.
Sequoia: She… okay. This must be…
Kim: She reads a lot of The Quibbler. And The Quibbler ships the Abominable Snowman and the Dalai Lama.
Sequoia: Right. Right, right, right.
Kim: For reasons. [Sequoia laughs] Though Luna would have to admit they'd still have better Christmas cards.
Sequoia: I mean, no one has better Christmas cards than the
Both: …Abominable Snowman…
Sequoia: …and the Dalai Lama. Are you kidding me? That's some unbeatable Christmas card shit.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Also, Christmas? [laughs]
Kim: Also, what? What is happening? Wanna take it down like ten notches.
Sequoia: [laughs] She can't.
Kim: Oh, I like when Luna is not like, lightly weird, and she's like, intensely weird.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ‘Cause that's not really book Luna, but it is very funny. Luna tried subtly: a brush of the hand, that special look, and even a couple Mormon goat charms.
Sequoia: Mormon… goat charms.
Kim: I did Google this. I was like, excuse me, is this a thing? That I've never heard of? No, not a thing. Don't know.
Sequoia: You also DID Google…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …Mormon goat charms. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, I put those three words together into Google, and Google's like, excuse me?! The fuck is wrong with you?
Sequoia: Oh, there was just a lot.
Kim: Oh, sorry.
Sequoia: There was just a lot in that.
Kim: Oh sorry, do… do we wanna revisit Luna trying subtlety on Hermione?
Sequoia: Yes. [both laugh]
Kim: Touching her hand, sometimes.
Sequoia: And looking at her sometimes.
Kim: And looking at her sometimes. Yeah. And doing weird goat magic sometimes. [Sequoia laughs] But not talking to her.
Sequoia: Talking to her. No. I also like to… because she said, you know, she's looking at Hermione with that special look.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: So I'm having several thoughts about what that special look is.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: All of them are vaguely horrifying. [both laugh] Hermione is just minding her own business.
Kim: You don't think it's just like, dreamy…
Sequoia: No!
Kim: …stare.
Sequoia: No. I think it's… I think it's like…
Kim: Intense…
Sequoia: …real big eyes.
Kim: And like, holding up a goat charm?
Sequoia: All teeth smile.
Kim: What is a goat charm? Is it like, goat hooves?
Sequoia: [laughs] Goat hooves and some sort of, like, plants. Like dried plants.
Kim: Staring at Hermione.
Sequoia: I like that you're shaking them too, in this visual bit. [Kim laughs throughout] If you… I… I imagine then the goat hooves would clonk together…
Kim: [laughing] Uh huh!
Sequoia: …and then they’d be like sort of an instrument. And her eyes are really big and she's got an all teeth smile! [Kim laughs helplessly] And she's doing some goat charms and Hermione’s like, god, I'm just trying to be in the library. [both laugh] [sighs] Look into the stars, Hermione! [both laugh] Oh, man.
Kim: Okay, so Luna had tried subtlety. Nothing worked. [both laugh] It's hard to read when I'm tearing up a little bit.
Sequoia: Yeah, I know.
Kim: "Pitiful," she thought to herself. Thick as a Ministry approved cauldron bottom, that Hermione is. That's a good… that’s a good simile.
Sequoia: That's a good… I like it. I like it. Also, you're just doing some weird stuff in her general direction, my dude. I'm sorry.
Kim: Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Tonight was the night; the night Hermione would be hers.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Luna smiled. NO one could resist a low cut dress with the right perfume.
Sequoia: She hasn't tried a low cut dress with the right perfume yet?! She tried Mormon goat charms before she tried a low cut dress with the right perfume! [laughs]
Kim: There was an article in the Quibbler. Said that it was bound to work. Just…
Sequoia: Oh man! [both laugh]
Kim: …low cut dress, right perfume. Unless, of course, Luna thought to herself, what if Hermione was straight?
Sequoia: Not likely. [both laugh]
Kim: Have you seen Hermione?
Sequoia: Here's the thing, all wizards are gay.
Kim: True. [pause] Oh, is that it?
Sequoia: No, that's all I had to say. [laughs]
Kim: Okay. [sings] Every wizard is queeeer! Bah bah dah! Luna sat on her head, mindful not to tear her tight red dress.
Sequoia: She what?
Kim: She's sitting on her head, to think more clearly?
Sequoia: She’s doing a handstand… a headstand?
Kim: So all the… so all the blood rushes to her head to stimulate the thoughts?
Sequoia: Okay. Probably. She’s… and she's already in the low cut dress. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, obviously. Hermione is heterosexual, she thought to herself. That could be a problem, maybe even the problem? [Sequoia laughs] But then she thought to herself, Hermione can't be straight! For Merlin's sake, she doesn't even properly enjoy a shoe sale.
Sequoia: Oh my god, what's that? Okay.
Kim: [singing] It’s nothing!
Sequoia: [singing] It’s 2003?
Kim: It’s 2003.
Sequoia: 2003.
Kim: Gay people don't like shoe sales?!
Sequoia: No, it's that girlssss like shoe sales, and lesbians aren't girly.
Kim: Like shoe sales. What?
Sequoia: So they can’t like shoe sales.
Kim: I'm pretty sure…
Sequoia: They like shoe sales at the…
Kim: …gay store.
Sequoia: [simultaneously] …hiking store. [both laugh]
Kim: See, shoe sale!
Sequoia: 2003! [laughs]
Kim: Everybody loves a shoe sale. Who doesn't love a shoe sale? Luna, what the fuck are you talking about?
Sequoia: Oh my god. Hoo!
Kim: Jesus Christ. Crisis narrowly averted. She quickly charmed the wireless to play the latest Weird Sisters’ single, Queerly Yours in Paradise.
Sequoia: Oh my god, I want that song so bad.
Kim: Me too.
Sequoia: Wait a second, no!
Kim: Me toooo.
Sequoia: Ugh! [laughs] Wait, nooo!
Kim: What does that even sound like?
Sequoia: I don't knoooww! [both laugh]
Kim: Man, I bet it sounds amazing.
Sequoia: Yep!
Kim: Next came the candles, and soon only a pair of flickering flames lighted the entire place.
Sequoia: Where is she? An undisclosed…?
Kim: Hold for the… hold for the… hold for the text.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Okay.
Kim: All that was missing was Hermione.
Sequoia: This isn't zero to a hundred. This is like, a hundred to a hundred on a different scale.
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh]
Sequoia: It’s just jumped scales but a hundred the whole time. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah. Yeah! Oh man, she's got such a romantic… [fancy voice] a romantic set up, in where they are. We'll get to it. This next… this next bit’s got it.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay.
Kim: Luna stared at her watch for what seemed like (and later turned out to be) hours.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Her roommate didn't seem to want to come home.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: They were roommates!
Sequoia: They were roommates! And they were roommates!
Kim: They were roommates.
Sequoia: [groans] Arrrrgh!
Kim: They are in their flat.
Sequoia: This is post Hogwarts!
Kim: It is. I’m… yeah.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. They’re adults.
Sequoia: Awesome. [whispers] Awesome, awesome. And they were roommates.
Kim: Yep. Hermione's not coming home…
Sequoia: Because?
Kim: …to see this romantic display in her house.
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my god.
Kim: Luna didn’t even, like, tell Hermione. Like, check what her plans are.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: Didn't do anything.
Sequoia: Well, she's like, she lives here, she’ll show up.
Kim: I mean, yeah, but like, also where is Hermione gonna go? When’s Hermione ever out of the house? [both laugh] Quickly, Luna checked Hermione's bedroom, the one at the end of the hall. She wasn't there, but there was a scrap of parchment on the roll away desk. A poem was written on it in hurried ink, as if in a moment of great passion.
Sequoia: Oh my god. [singing] Passionate poetry!
Kim: By Hermione Granger.
Sequoia: By Herm… by Hermione. So this wan… wasn't written for Hermione Granger. She wrote this.
Kim: Probably? She probably wrote this, I guess.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay, there is… okay. Poetry. Tell me about it.
Kim: Yeah. It read as follows.
Sequoia: Oh, yes, wonderful.
Kim: I love her so/She has to know/I've got to go/And tell her so.
Sequoia: [squeals repeatedly] Whoo! Whoo, such passionate poetry has not been written before on this earthly plane! My god! I am overwhelmed with the… [laughs] with the feelings. The emotion. The pure, just, rushed… beautyyyy. [Kim laughs] That was amazing.
Kim: Luna sighed. What more proof could one ask for that books weren't everything? That poetry was horrible. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, I like that. I like that she knows it's bad!
Kim: Luna’s like, what the fuck?
Sequoia: Oh my god. Hermione. Yikes, man.
Kim: Why do I…
Sequoia: This is rough.
Kim: She doesn't like her for her…
Sequoia: Artistic sensibilities?
Kim: Yes. [Sequoia laughs] Not Hermione. She tried, though!
Sequoia: She did something.
Kim: She was caught up in some something. Attempted a poem.
Sequoia: Had to get it out.
Kim: But still, it did show Hermione liked girls, one in particular.
Sequoia: I'm on… I'm on the edge of my seat.
Kim: Okay. [chuckles] The candles burned short as Luna waited, long into the night. The Fates, she presumed, were against her. "Self righteous bitches, them Fates." [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughs] Ooh!
Kim: Luna mumbled to herself. I usually do a Luna voice, but she's not feeling like that Luna today, even a little bit.
Sequoia: [soft, dreamy voice] Self righteous bitches. [both laugh]
Kim: Them Fates! "They think they're so great."
Sequoia: How dare they write in the stars…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …our love.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then…
Kim: Hermione’s not here.
Sequoia: …Hermione’s not here.
Kim: She's off somewhere.
Sequoia: Professing her love to someone ellllse?
Kim: Uh oh. Tilde, asterisk, tilde. Later That Night. Tilde, asterisk, tilde.
Sequoia: Thank you. [both chuckle] A passage of time.
Kim: "I love you so much," she gasped out, kissing her beloved deeply.
Sequoia: Ohh.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Who is it?!
Kim: I dunno!
Sequoia: Who is it?!
Kim: Hold for the text. "I love you more, baby, I love you more." [Sequoia snorts] What?! Let me read this to you!
Sequoia: Sorry, that was just.. .Yep, okay.
Kim: Let me. Let me!
Sequoia: Keep going. Keep going! [laughs]
Kim: [singing] I love you, I love you, I love you! Does it help if I look at you?
Sequoia: No, it doesn't! [laughs]
Kim: Aight. I'll stop looking at you then. Searching for the key, she found it, and after a few tries, managed to get it into the lock. Opening the door, the pair nearly tumbled to the ground, and would have, had they not clung to each other so. Somehow, they made it to the bed, and continued as before.
Sequoia: So are the candles there?
Kim: I think it was like two candles in the living room. They just… they just blew right the fuck past them. [Sequoia laughs] Tilde, star, tilde. Morning. Tilde, star, tilde.
Sequoia: Okay, passage of time.
Kim: Ginny searched for her jeans.
Sequoia: Yes! YES, I KNEW IT! I knew it. I knew it.
Kim: This is a…
Both: Hrinny.
Sequoia: Nope, I hate that.
Kim: Ginmione?
Sequoia: Oh I hate that too. But maybe… no. No, I hate them both equally.
Kim: Kay. [both laugh] Poor Luna.
Sequoia: Oh, that is sad.
Kim: It’s not meant to be.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Read the stars wrong.
Sequoia: The stars were wrong.
Kim: Or the stars were wrong. Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Ginny searched for her jeans. They had to be somewhere. Ah, there. "Now, how did those get up there?"
Sequoia: [laughs] Really wild!
Kim: How did those get up there! She thought to herself aloud. Pants on the ceiling fan are generally not a good sign.
Sequoia: Oh my god, what would they…? Wait, what? [laughs]
Kim: What? I don't think that makes sense, Ginny!
Sequoia: That didn't make any sense.
Kim: I mean, like, who cleans on top of their ceiling fan?
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Kim: Pants on the ceiling fan. Those are some dusty pants.
Sequoia: Those are… those are some dusty pants. [both laugh]
Kim: That's what Ginny’s talking about. [Sequoia laughs] Generally not a good sign, unless of course they make you think of how they got there.
Sequoia: Pew pew pewwww!
Kim: [singing] Hermione threw the pants on the ceiling fan!
Sequoia: Finger guns. Winking with both eyes. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, these two, I think, would do finger guns and winking with both eyes. [both laugh] Not Draco.
Sequoia: Whoo. Whoo!
Kim: Ginny turned to face the bed, where her dark haired lover struggled to open her eyes. "Morning, beautiful," she said, finally managing to wake herself. "Good morning, gorgeous."
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Ginny whispered back. This is unbearable.
Sequoia: Laying it on thick. [laughs]
Kim: This is unbearable. Come on, you two, just like fucking get it together. Oh my god.
Sequoia: They can't.
Kim: Why not?!
Sequoia: Because I love her so. To let her know. That I must go…
Kim: Right. Right, right, right, right, right, right.
Sequoia: You know.
Kim: Hermione’s not okay. “Good morning, gorgeous,” Ginny whispered back. "So are you going to get out of bed anytime soon?" "Actually, I was rather hoping you'd join me."
Sequoia: Ayyy! [both make high energy noises]
Kim: “Definitely.”
Sequoia: Are we…?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Are we twelve years old? [laughs]
Kim: Clearly! We just, like, could not handle that section.
Sequoia: [laughing] No! My goodness.
Kim: Today, or ever.
Sequoia: Goddamn! [both keep laughing]
Kim: It was beautiful, I'm sorry, we just can't handle it.
Sequoia: Sorry, we can’t…
Kim: We’re too stupid.
Sequoia: Too stupid for it. Okay.
Kim: Gloss right over that. Tilde, asterisk, tilde, Luna. Tilde, asterisk, tilde.
Sequoia: Oh no. Luna.
Kim: Where was she? How could this be? Goddamned Fates, Luna thought to herself.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Speaking of which, she thought, noting the owl carrying today's Quibbler. She turned to page seven. Today's horoscope, of course, was different than the day’s before.
Sequoia: Naturally.
Kim: Every… that's… that is the case. That is what happens. That’s how they work.
Sequoia: That’s the… [laughs] that’s how that works.
Kim: That is the truth. While the previous day had praised the union of faith and skepticism… Get it? The union of… ehh, ehh, ehhh??
Sequoia: Oh, uh huh. [laughs] Stop doing that. [hand slapping noises] Stop doing that with your hands!
Kim: The union!
Sequoia: Stop doing that with your hands! Ayyy!
Kim: This one read as follows. "If that special someone seems too good to be true, they probably won't shag you."
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: I like that. I’m kind of surprised they don't have Luna writing the…
Sequoia: Horoscope?
Kim: …horoscopes in The Quibbler?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Who writes…?
Sequoia: Who the fuck is writing…? Is that Xenophilius Lovegood writing that shit? [laughs]
Kim: Fuck. I was kind of thinking Lavender.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Kim: Or Parvati.
Sequoia: Yeah, that checks out. That checks out more.
Kim: Which one of the two of them?
Both: Lavender. [both chuckle]
Kim: Luna sighed and glanced out the window. So much for that girl.
Sequoia: Wow, she's all right. She's like, okay.
Kim: She just gave the fuck up. Was Luna only doing all that weird stuff yesterday, and yesterday, like… [Sequoia laughs] she read… she read the horoscope and was like, oh, I guess I have to fuck Hermione now. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah? She seems to be really, like, into this horoscope situation.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: She's really bought in. She's got big buy in.
Kim: "Well, hello, angel! Which way to heaven?" she mumbled to herself, noting Lavender Brown.
Sequoia: Ayyyy!
Kim: Just walking by.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Nice. Luna’s looking out the window like, noice! [both laugh]
Sequoia: How you doin’ babyyy?
Kim: “Dear god, does that woman look good in blue,” she mumbled, before running out the door to follow her…
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: …goat charms in hand.
Sequoia: [laughs] Goat charms! Big eyes, teeth smile, goat charms!
Kim: Lavender’s like, you know what? All right.
Sequoia: I'm into it. [laughs]
Kim: That'll work. And that's the end.
Sequoia: Oh, that was so good! I was so… I was so… I was scared that it was gonna have an unhappy ending. But Luna really…
Kim: Luna pulled through.
Sequoia: …pulled through. Yeah.
Kim: She pulled through. She pulled… I think it was a one day deal. [Sequoia laughs] Oh, you got a point.
Sequoia: I got a point!
Kim: Congratulations.
Sequoia: Damn, son! Look at me. That’s two points.
Kim: Two whole points. You tied my… my…
Sequoia: Last episode.
Kim: …last episode. That's as far back as I can remember.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: Are you ready for a segment?
Kim: Yeah, let's. Dunh dunh dunh dunh dunh dunh dunh! It’s hold for the end please!
Sequoia: In this segment we have our listeners send us in how they think one of the stories we've read on the podcast should end, whether it ended or not.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: On the podcast.
Kim: Any…
Sequoia: Any…
Kim: Any episode is fair game for you.
Sequoia: People send them in. They say, you know what, I think that this is how it’s gonna end. And we read it out here on our segment hold for the end please. This one is hold for the end: Love Potions. Sent to us by Bridget.
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: Love Potions was one of our Valentine's Day fanfictions.
Kim: Oh, right. Oh, right.
Sequoia: Snape/Trelawney.
Kim: [laughs] Right, right, right.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I remember our podcast!
Sequoia: I… I thought we might need a little bit of a refresher. She sends him some silky boxers.
Kim: In front of the class, right.
Sequoia: In front of the class.
Kim: And they all laugh, or something?
Sequoia: Yeah, it was basically… and then sets up a romantic dinner, right?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: So we sort of ended at the romantic dinner.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: And we had surmised… I can't remember if it was in the story or some bullshit we made up…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …that Snape was gonna try to poison Trelawney.
Kim: He was kind of thinking about it, I think.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah. So as the evening continues, Snape finds himself beginning to enjoy Trelawney’s company.
Kim: Ohh!
Sequoia: She laughs at his jokes at expense of the Gryffindors. She even seems to share his hatred of Potter, because she keeps predicting his tragic death.
Kim: That would kind of… [both laugh] they’re just talking about Harry, and Snape’s like, man, I hate that kid. And Trelawney’s like [mystical voice] he's totally gonna die.
Sequoia: He’s totally gonna die!
Kim: Snape’s like, I'm into this. Tell me more!
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah. After this romantic evening, they start to spend more time together, they take walks across the grounds before class, they eat lunch together in the teachers’ lounge. And Snape doesn't really understand what's happening, and why he's liking spending time with her.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: She actually listens to him complain about the students, so maybe it's that? But he's really not sure.
Kim: Is this friendship? Is this the first human connection he's actually made? [Sequoia laughs] A positive human connection?
Sequoia: Right. And he's so… he's only been in love with this one person, always.
Kim: He’s only been in obsession…
Sequoia: Obsession.
Kim: …with this one person.
Sequoia: Right, so he doesn't know what it feels like to fall in love…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …with Trelawney.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: And so he doesn't realize that it's happening, so he does continue his plan to poison her…
Kim: Uh oh!
Sequoia: …to death. And it's almost like a habit for him to hate everyone.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: And, you know, he's… it's not… at first he just hates, and then he's like, oh, I don't know what's happening with her, and it's gonna take a few weeks to brew the correct untraceable potion.
Kim: Uh huh
Sequoia: So then he starts to fall for her, but he doesn't know that he's falling for her, so he puts a few drops in her favorite mug before classes begin. But then he goes to his dungeons…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and he finds a present from her. She somehow found rare ingredients required for a complicated potion that will allow Snape to make one person, Harry Potter, allergic to the dungeons and therefore unable to come to class. [both laugh] Snape takes one look at the ingredients…
Kim: Oh fuck, that’s good.
Sequoia: …and the note that Trelawney left, which is covered in little hearts…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …and suddenly he falls to his knees, and he realizes that he loves her.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And what's he gonna do? Oh no, he already poisoned her favorite mug.
Kim: Uh huh!
Sequoia: And so he rushes up to Trelawney’s tower, and he makes it there and throws open the trapdoor. And there's a class full of Gryffindors there…
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: …staring at him, 'cause this is a weird thing he’s just done.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: And he takes in the scene, and Trelawney’s okay, and she's cleaning up the broken shards of her favorite coffee mug, and Neville is looking on apologizing, embarrassed because he knocked over her favorite mug.
Kim: Aw, Neville saves the day!
Sequoia: Neville saves the day. And then Snape just sweeps across the room. I quote. His cape billowing out behind him, and takes Trelawney into his arms. “My love!” he says, and kisses her right then and there, and all the students gag and agree that taking away house points probably would have been preferred to having to look at this. [both laugh] And it seems as though he might have to consider his view of Valentine's Day after all.
Kim: Ha ha ha. Awesome! That was really good.
Sequoia: I love it. I love it.
Kim: Dang, that was actually pretty convincing.
Sequoia: Yeah, I believe that as the end of the story, for sure. And it ended happily ever after, and nobody died, and Harry can't go to Potions class any more.
Kim: Hell yeah! Harry, I think, would prefer that.
Sequoia: Harry’s like, oh no! [fake cough] I'm sick. [both giggle]
Kim: Guess I just have to drop Potions forever.
Sequoia: Oh no! Okay.
Kim: Thank you Bridget.
Sequoia: Thank you so much for sending that in. I loved it a lot.
Kim: Very good.
Sequoia: And now it's time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pew pew!
Kim: The fanfiction I'm recommending today comes to me from Erin. Thank you Erin. It is called Deux Jeunes Filles.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: And it is Chansy. Cho/Pansy.
Sequoia: Cho/Pansy? What the fuck is that, my dude?
Kim: ‘S a fuckin weird ship. [Sequoia laughs] That's a rare pair.
Sequoia: That’s a rare pair, my dude.
Kim: A very good rare pair. I think Pansy in particular is really funny in it.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: I often think Pansy is really funny though, so, you know.
Sequoia: Sweet. That sounds great.
Kim: Thank you Erin for sending that my way. That was another one of those like, borderline rec or reads, but…
Sequoia: Rec.
Kim: Gotta go with rec. Pansy’s really funny in it.
Sequoia: Awesome. Well, you can find a link to that fanfiction in the description of this episode. You can also find it on our website.
Kim: [slowly] Fanaticalfics.com. That was me struggling really hard not to say website. [Sequoia laughs] Somebody… somebody messaged us or emailed us…
Sequoia: Somebody tweeted at us.
Kim: Somebody tweeted us that they think it's really funny when we say website, even though it's really not. And now I have to, like, physically restrain that.
Sequoia: But it's okay. It's okay, ‘cause they said even if we don't say it, they'll say it for us, so…
Kim: Oh, right, right, right. But that thought is now in my head.
Sequoia: [silly voice] Website!
Kim: Also on our website you can find our submission form. Both the stories I shared and my rec I pulled from the submission form today. Thank you ever so much for sending that stuff our way.
Sequoia: You can also find links to our merch on our website. You can find stuff like Yes!! Glitter!!! and our Rose Willow Black bookmark. You can also go to our TeePublic where you can find Blaise, in all of their Blaise glory, holding the non-binary flag, rolling around on some roller skates, and all sorts of good stuff like that.
Kim: We are on the social media platforms, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, at @fanaticalfics if you want to tell us some whatevers.
Sequoia: If you have some longer, non social media type whatevers, you can email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com. Just whatever. Anything.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Honestly…
Kim: Send us those whatevers.
Sequoia: …whatever you want.
Kim: If you like this podcast and you'd like to help us out, there are a few ways you can do that. Way number one, [vocal fry monotone] tell everyone you've ever met.
Sequoia: Look them directly in their eyes and say, I know.
Kim: Podcast.
Sequoia: I know. I can see deeply into your soul…
Kim: Podcast.
Sequoia: …and I know that… that your soul matches this podcast.
Kim: Podcast. [singing] Way number two!
Sequoia: Way number two. You can support us on Patreon.
Kim: We've got all kinds of bonus content over there, such as another practice kissing story.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: If you're interested in that kind of stuff!
Sequoia: If you join on Patreon… if you like, catch up and you're sad, join on Patreon and there is a whole couple years’ backlog of bonus content…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …for your listening ears…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …for your watching eyes…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …and for your reading eyes…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …too.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: There's some fanfictions and stuff on there.
Kim: But also on Patreon, if you support us at certain tiers for a certain amount of time, you get a shout out on the podcast in the form of a story summary, which Sequoia is going to be providing us now.
Sequoia: Ron has finally made up his mind. It's time to tell Hermione how he really feels. But he can't just profess his love in the common room after class, or anything mundane. It should be a gesture that matches the intensity of his feelings. That means it's time to enlist some help. Ron’s sure he's got the grand speech under control, but he'll need some specialized assistance. Pyrotechnics: Fred and George. Flowers: Neville. Music: Parvati. And of course, the Ron sized cake he would pop out of: Dobby. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
Kim: [pause] Oh, you're cutting it off there.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Jeezy weezy, you butthole. [both laugh] All right, shout out to Tove, Tiffany Sporle, Rae, Jacqueline Maxfield, Megan Freddy, Hufflepuff Alumni, and Stacy Zuverink.
Sequoia: Thank you so much for your support. We really can't tell you how much it means to us…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …to have you there, helping us create some weird weird, weird, weird, weird shit.
Kim: Thank you. Thanks also to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their song Wolfstar as our theme song.
Both: Byeeeee!