Episode 8: Deciding Match/Crime and Punishment
In today’s episode we learn that some fan fiction authors will do anything to bring about their characters love connection. Really. Anything.
Recommendation: A Little Homework
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2838918/1/A-Little-Homework
Kim: Heeyy listeners.
Sequoia: Hey guys!
Kim: So here's the thing about today's episode.
Sequoia: Here's the thing about the second story in today's episode.
Kim: It's got some explicit content.
Sequoia: It’s got some stuff in it. It's got sooome stuff in it. [Kim laughing in the background] So...
Kim: So you're not interested in listening to explicit content, me read explicit content specifically…
Sequoia: While I scream.
Kim: ...skip it.
Sequoia: Skip it.
Kim: You don't need it. Or maybe you do. You know.
Sequoia: Or maybe you do. Whatever... whatever floats your boat.
Kim: We leave it up to you.
Sequoia: You know what we say: Whatever…
Kim: That’s why… yup!
Sequoia: ...floats your boat.
Kim: Yup!
Sequoia: [hesitantly] On to the show.
Kim: Yaaayyy. Check out my beverage selection today, Sequoia. [Sequoia laughs] Do you see what I'm doing? Do I look like I...
Sequoia: You look like you're sick. [Kim laughing] You look like you…
Kim: I got some orange juice. And I also have a quad shot latte cause I'm feeling real healthy. [sniffs]
Sequoia: Yeah, it seems like you're trying to get better, but you're also trying to just like get through this episode of the podcast. You know? You, like... in the long run I would like to become better, and in the short term...
Kim: Just... I think I'm just gonna mix them together.
Sequoia: Aahhhh.
Kim: You think that would mix well? Orange juice and coffee?
Sequoia: Yeah, do iiiit, now. Do it.
Kim: Blurgh! Blurgh. [Sequoia laughs, Kim joins in]
Sequoia: Do iiit!
Kim: So If I sound extra drippy today I apologize, listeners.
Sequoia: Okay, you ready?
Kim: [hesitantly] No, never. I mean, yes, I'm ready. Let's go.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: [melodically] And I am Kim.
Sequoia: [singing] And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: [sung] Your favorite [spoken] Harry Potter fanfiction podcast. I was gonna sing [Sequoia laughing in the background], but then I was over it. i was over it like, immediately.
Sequoia: It's fine! We've unleashed the singing into the world and sometimes we've gotta reel it in.
Kim: pull back. Pull it back, because it's too much. Too much of my...
Sequoia: [singing again] Toooo muuch.
Kim: It's not fair, because I am a hundred percent tone deaf.
Sequoia: Right. [both laugh] Zing.
Kim: Ohhhh is it?
Sequoia: Okay, you said I wasn't funny earlier.
Kim: Does it count if it was a self burn?
Sequoia: Ummm...yes.
Kim: All right, fine, whatever.
Sequoia: Okay, so.
Kim: So
Sequoia: Uhh… do we…?
Kim: Do we wanna admit... do we want to admit to what we did for this episode and episode six to our listeners, or are we not gonna admit it?
Sequoia: Yeah… so… [Kim laughs] Kim here...
Kim: Heeey listenerrrs!
Sequoia: ...in all of her glory, all of her weird disgusting glory, read me In More Ways Than One.
Kim: And then the second story that's gonna be in this episode, which by the way, we need to record an explicit content warning for.
Sequoia: Yes, right.
Kim: I read them to her back to back a few weeks ago, and then immediately after finishing I was like, sooo I think that was too much. I think that was too much of the weird one for episode.
Sequoia: It was [singing] too messed up, [spoken again] for one whole episode.
Kim: So what we've been doing is we split those two stories apart, and I've found less horrifying stories to pair with them and we're kind of re-recording halves of the episode.
Sequoia: Right. Sooo it might, you know…
Kim: You know, if you notice that things are weirder in certain parts, that's why.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: This... this first story I'm recording today, and the second story was recorded weeks ago.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: So... [singing] that's what's happening.
Sequoia: And I'm, like, a hundred percent sure that I didn't get any points for the second story...
Kim: Hmmm no.
Sequoia: ...that is going in this episode.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: So I know... I know....
Kim: You gotta bring it for this first one.
Sequoia: ...I gotta bring it.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, you're not.
Sequoia: Oh, good. Excellent.
Kim: You know, maybe.
Sequoia: What's it called?
Kim: So. This story that I'm going to read to you right now, it's called Deciding Match. The genre tags are angst, tragedy, horror, and supernatural.
Sequoia: What the fuck?
Kim: It's on Archive of Our Own, it's got a ton of tags.
Sequoia: What the fuck?
Kim: So, you know…
Sequoia: Wait!
Kim: Deciding Match.
Sequoia: Ummm… I… shit... What? [Kim laughs] Oh, I don't know what to do with that mess of tags you just gave me. [Kim laughs mockingly] Okay.
Kim: Also, right now, listeners. It's your chance to play along. Don't forget, we want to hear how you're doing.
Sequoia: Yeah, we want... I want to know what the fuck you're doing with this goddamn mess that I was just given. Okay, so, I'm gonna say that the main character is... Harry Potter.
Kim: [laughs] Fine. I don't know if I like that as a...
Sequoia: Is that not a good prediction?
Kim: As a prediction.
Sequoia: Why not?
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: It didn't say romance, so I don't have to put a... so I don’t have to have a pairing.
Kim: Okay, fine fine fine. Yeah.
Sequoia: All right?
Kim: Harry Potter is the main character...
Sequoia: Harry potter’s the main…
Kim: ...of this Harry Potter fanfiction story.
Sequoia: ...character.
Kim: Whatever. [laughs]
Sequoia: It takes place at... it takes place after the seventh book. And it…
Kim: You mean it's, like, placed in time after they've graduated?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay, because it's not written after the seventh book, obviously.
Sequoia: Right, right.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And it is… it is... it is about theeeee final battllllle.
Kim: So you think Harry is gonna be angsting about the final battle after it taking place?
Sequoia: [hesitantly] Yes.
Kim: Okay, cool.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Cool. [drawn out] Cool.
Sequoia: [moaning] That was really hard.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia moaning again] Okay, so this is Deciding Match, chapter one. It’s a chapter fic by the way.
Sequoia: [slowly] Chapter one.
Kim: The rain fell heavily as the thunderclouds gathered over the final Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Slytherin...
Sequoia: Uhhhhhhhh!
Kim: ...of Harry Potter's last year at Hogwarts. Kind of a mixed bag of a first sentence for you.
Sequoia: Uhhh! It is. Harry Potter, but....
Kim: ...is there.
Sequoia: Yeah, he’s present. [Kim laughing] Final Quidditch match. Who even cares about Quidditch?
Kim: As team captain and now Chaser, Harry was proud of his team.
Sequoia: Um, no. No. No. No. No. [Kim laughing in the background] In what alternate universe are we where Harry Potter has any kind of... uh no …
Kim: Chasing ability?
Sequoia: Yeah, he's good at, like, looking for a tiny gold ball…
Kim: And then catching it.
Sequoia: ...which is totally different.
Kim: You know, he catches it in his hand. He's not a team player.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Harry is not a team player.
Sequoia: No no no
Kim: He would be the worst Chaser. I love this. Oh my god. Harry was proud of his team. They played well and their team spirit, whether they won or lost a game, was well spoken of by their classmates and the other houses.
Sequoia: Yeah, whatever. Harry doesn't give a shit about team spirit.
Kim: Sportsmanship? Yeah, no.
Sequoia: No! No. He's... he is all about winning.
Kim: He is like, we’re gonna win, we're gonna fuck some shit up. I’m gonna get the best team. I'm gonna be new Oliver Wood.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Yeah
Sequoia: He doesn't care about that.
Kim: No. Why would he care? The same could not be said for the opposing team...
Sequoia: The Slytherins…
Kim: ...who were currently letting Draco know that if he didn't catch the Snitch this time, they would NEVER speak to him again.
Sequoia: Uhhh.
Kim: [laughs] You wanna…?
Sequoia: This is their seventh year, right?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: How is Draco not, like, top dog of this shit though? Like, how is it not Draco being like, if you don't…
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: ...score some points with the Quaffle…
Kim: ...I'm going to tell my father.
Sequoia: Exactly. [Kim laughing] No no no.
Kim: No no. Yeah, no, no. If he didn't catch the Snitch this time, they would never speak to him again. [posh, exaggerated, drawling voice] “You couldn't start now, could you?” Draco suggested. “Or better still, Why don't you take your brooms and shove them…” [switch to a high voice with vocal fry and a slight lisp] “Draco,” Pansy suggested, “Relax! I know this game means a lot to you. It's our last chance to win the House Cup back for Slytherin.” I don't know what that voice is.
Sequoia: It's good.
Kim: Is it?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But is it a good Pansy voice? I have no idea.
Sequoia: Yeah. Pansy is the fucking worst.
Kim: She is.
Sequoia: So just like sound like you're the worst, like that, that was good.
Kim: You mean just use my normal voice? [laughing]
Sequoia: Draacooo.
Kim: [Pansy voice] Dracooo. [Draco voice] “And my last chance to prove I'm good enough for Harry Potter.”
Sequoia: [exclaiming] Oh, yes! [singing] Yes, yes, yes; yes yes, yes. Yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah yeah!
Kim: Oh yeah, buddy, this is some fucking Drarry.
Sequoia: [half singing] Yeeaaah!
Kim: It's one of my favorite not favorite pairings.
Sequoia: Exactly. [singing again] It's so bad-good.
Kim: Draco told her. “If I can do that, maybe he'll finally take me away from my family and that horrid beast they serve.”
Sequoia: Oh my god. Wait, no, go back. Tell me when this was written. I need to know when this was written.
Kim: [singing] 2005.
Sequoia: Really?
Kim: Yup. That...
Sequoia: That's pre book six.
Kim: Is it? When did book six come out?
Sequoia: Oh, maybe it’s not, yeah.
Kim: I'm looking it up, I'm looking it up. Sorry, this is going to take a second.
Sequoia: I need to know.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I have to know.
Kim: Yeah. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince came out in July of 2005, this story came out August of 2005.
Sequoia: Okay, so this is post…
Kim: ...written post book six.
Sequoia: Okay. [Kim laughs] Oooookay. That's an interesting way to take the events of book six.
Kim: It's how I would take it.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
[pause for dramatic effect]
Kim: No, it's not.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: No, it's not. “...that horrid beast they serve.” [both make crying and sobbing noises] “Good luck, Draco!” Pansy hugged him the way she might hug a little brother, then...
Sequoia: No!
Kim: ‘Cause he's gay. [short pause] So they're not romantically...
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: ...interested in each other.
Sequoia: I like it better when Pansy thinks she's still going to… like...
Kim: [affirming] Right? Get some.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I can't ima... Pansy being nice, ever, for... to anyone, for any reason…
Sequoia: No.
Kim: ...is just so hard for me to imagine.
Sequoia: [reassuring] Yeah. Even if it’s Draco. She’s...
Kim: She's just… she’s such a turd of a person. [both laugh]
Sequoia: We like barely see that character…
Kim: Pansy?
Sequoia: Yeah, and yet every time she's just being a... being a bitch.
Kim: I mean, yeah. It's... I don't know, she's characterized so frequently in fanfictions as like the popular cheerleader mean girl character.
Sequoia: [unsure] Yeeaaah.
Kim: [laughing] I love it when she's, like, bullying Hermione like a cheerleader would in a bad high school movie...
Sequoia: Classic!
Kim: ...because what is happening? Anyway, that's totally off topic. Pansy hugged him the way she might hug a little brother, then watched as he and the Slytherin team left the locker room. “And the Slytherins finally arrive,” the announcer told the crowd, “after making sure we're all soaking wet. Malfoy has got one final chance to prove himself to his teammates. You'd think they'd have replaced him by now.” Cause...
Sequoia: Wait, is he bad?
Kim: He fucking suck... I mean when has Malfoy ever been good at Quidditch?
Sequoia: Yeah, I guess he bought his way onto the team.
Kim: He fucking sucks, yeah!
Sequoia: Yeah, he's the worst.
Kim: That time Harry caught the snitch right next to his face… [Sequoia bursts out in laughter, Kim joins]
Sequoia: All right, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Malfoy.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Get it together! “You'd think they'd have replaced him by now. But I guess no one else on the team could fly fast enough without falling off their brooms. And Ron Weasley makes another spectacular save! Way to go, Ron!”
Sequoia: Wait, we're already playing the game? We’re... Were we mid-game?
Kim: Yeah, we missed… we missed kick off. I don't know what happened.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: Oh, were we…?
Sequoia: Was that whole conversation taking place mid-game?
Kim: Maybe they were like half… time out.
Sequoia: Or they were just... Or the announcer’s pissed because they were just like, not playing…
Kim: Mayb…
Sequoia: ...and talking to each other.
Kim: I don’t know.
Sequoia: Which, I feel like that has to be against the rules.
Kim: I think.... I think... I think we just skipped kick off.
Sequoia: Okay. [quietly] Kick off...
Kim: Or whatever.
Sequoia: It's fine.
Kim: They kick off of the ground.
Sequoia: That's true.
Kim: Sequoia!
Sequoia: Brooms up!
Kim: [whispering] Fucking whatever, Jesus! [laughs] “Way to go Ron! Malfoy is circling the pitch. Where's he going? He's disappeared into the thunder clouds above. Looks like he's finally flipped out. But never mind him. Looks like Slytherin's got the Quaffle.” Do you like my announcer voice?
Sequoia: I like it a lot. I think you should announce real sports. [Kim laughs]
Kim: Oh, that would be fucking terrible. [Sequoia laughs] And now the... kickers... got the baseball. [Sequoia still laughing] What sport am I watching? “Their Chaser tries for another goal and another block from Ron Weasley, Harry Potter, former Seeker and now Chaser grabs the Quaffle and makes for the Slytherin goal. He passes it, it's passed back, Potter shoots. Gryffindor scores!”
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Right? [Sequoia laughs] Harry's not gonna score!
Sequoia: Like, I don't... I don't understand. I'm... I'm sure this will come up with the text, but my main question is like what is the... what is the point of moving Harry to Chaser? Like, what is the... what is the plot...
Kim: It’s not gonna come up, I can tell you right now. The entire pitch was lit up as though it were daylight for several moments. “That has got to be the biggest flash of lightning I've ever seen. Still no sign of Malfoy. Wait! Here he comes. And is that the Snitch I see? Malfoy's gaining. Ginny Weasley is close behind. Malfoy’s got his hand around it and…” There was a gasp as the Snitch passed right through Draco's closed hand. At the same time the burning wreckage of a broom and its rider plummeted from the clouds.
Sequoia: What. The. Fuck. Is. Going on? Is Draco a ghost? [in a tearful voice] Oh my god! I’m so excited I could cry!
Kim: Dumbledore signaled Madame Hooch to halt the game as he made his way to the pitch. After speaking with Draco for several minutes, he looked up, a single tear running down his face. [old man voice] “Even though Mr. Malfoy did not manage to hold on to the Snitch,” he announced, “I think we can all say that if his hand had been solid, he would have done so.” [both laughing]
Sequoia: [Kim continues laughing in the background] Draco had to die for them to win a fucking Quidditch match?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: This is insane.
Kim: “It is therefore our decision that it would be unfair not to award the capture and the game to Slytherin. Well done, Draco!” As the Slytherins applauded their victory, Draco smiled and blew a kiss to Harry Potter as he faded from the pitch.
Sequoia: What is going on?
Kim: End chapter one.
Sequoia: Wh... oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh. My. God. Wait.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Wait, he's gone now?
Kim: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh… [continues in the background while Sequoia speaks]
Sequoia: He faded from the pitch, so now he's gone, but he can't be gone. He can't be gone. That can't be the end of ghost Draco?
Kim: Hold for the text? I don't remember, it's been a few weeks since I read this
Sequoia: Ghost Dracooo!
Kim: Chapter two. Harry could not believe what he’d just heard. Dumbledore had given the match to the Slytherin team! Why? He surely didn't believe Draco had actually closed his hand around the Snitch, did he? There had been times when Harry or Ginny would’ve caught it if their grip on the Snitch had been more solid, but he didn't hand the game over to them.
Sequoia: Harry doesn't… Harry’s got no idea what’s going on.
Kim: Harry’s got no fucking clue of what's happening.
Sequoia: He obviously wasn't listening...
Kim: Noo.
Sequoia: …to the… the… the... SOLID...
Kim: Or didn’t see the dead body drop out of the SKY.
Sequoia: Yeah, he was… he was too busy chasing? [both laughing] Question mark?
Kim: I guess they couldn’t have Harry in the... behind…
Sequoia: Ohhh, yeah, see, I guess that's the…
Kim: Reaasoon?
Sequoia: ...reason.
Kim: He was crossing the pitch to confront Malfoy when his long time rival faded from view.
Sequoia: [sad] He didn't see the blown kiss?
Kim: Guess not.
Sequoia: Sad.
Kim: How? he wondered, knowing that Draco could not have Apparated. His face bore a frown of consternation. Or constipation, hard to tell with Harry.
Sequoia: Both!
Kim: He was pretty sure the fair haired young man had blown him a kiss?
Sequoia: Oh, he did see it, good.
Kim: He saw it, haaaa…! “Sir?” he asked Dumbledore, who had just placed his cloak over whatever had fallen earlier.
Sequoia: Oh, God! [Kim laughing] Harry, paayyy attention!
Kim: Harry can't. He can't. He's got no idea what's happening. Harry looked at the cloak for a moment then back at Dumbledore. “I don't think Draco got hold of the Snitch.” “No, he did not,” Dumbledore agreed in a solemn voice. “Then you're not giving the game to Slytherin.” Harry reasoned. “Yes, I am Harry.” Dumbledore told him. Wait. Wait.
Sequoia: Because Draco's ghost caught the Snitch.
Kim: Wait. I just realized something: this was written after book six came out.
Sequoia: Did they not read book six?
Kim: Maybe not.
Sequoia: I’m very confused.
Kim: Maybe not. Dumbledore is here. What’s happening?
Sequoia: Maybe it was updated…?
Kim: No! It was… Ohhh, you know what? No. That doesn’t make sense either. No, I don’t know what happened.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay.
Kim: Published 8/14/2005.
Sequoia: Interesting.
Kim: Got no...
Sequoia: Maybe they thought that book... that in book seven they’d just be like jk, never mind…
Kim: Or it's just AU. They wanted Dumbledore there.
Sequoia: That's true.
Kim: “But you just said.” Harry spluttered. “If I failed to get a solid grip on the Snitch, you wouldn't have given the game to Gryffindor. You'd have made me try again until I could.” “Mr. Malfoy could not have gotten a solid grip on the Snitch, Harry, no matter how hard he tried.” ‘Cause of how much he sucks at Quidditch. [both laugh] “Just because he's not very good is not reason to…” “Harry,” Dumbledore pointed out gently, “he's a ghost.”
Sequoia: Harry! Payyy attention!
Kim: Harry! Oh my god! “Uhh…” Harry looked down at the lump under the cloak again “Is…?” Dumbledore nodded. “Harry,” he began in warning. Harry lifted the cloak...
Sequoia: But Harry…!
Kim: ...just a little, nearly vomiting when he saw the charred and blackened body...
Sequoia: [almost in a scream] Oh my god!
Kim: ...that had once been Draco Malfoy. [uncomfortable screaming from Sequoia] It’s so fucked up!
Sequoia: What?!
Kim: He stumbled back in horror. “That flash of lightning...” he trailed off, “Did he cause it? Was this suicide?”
Sequoia: [screaming] What the fuck is going on?
Kim: “He didn't cause the lightning,” Dumbledore shook his head. “But it was suicide.” Oh my god.
Sequoia: What is happening?
Kim: This got really dark.
Sequoia: It got, it did get really dark.
Kim: This got really dark. I forgot about this. “He went into the cloud hoping to be struck down.”
Sequoia: I thought he wanted to catch the Snitch.
Kim: Right? I thought he wanted to prove to Harry how good he was at Quidditch so he would marry him or whatever.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But instead… whatever. [pause] “It's all your fault,” Pansy told them. “If you weren't so bigoted against us, always assuming we do what we do just to be evil, you'd have seen how hurt and scared he was.”
Sequoia: Thanks, Pansy.
Kim: Thanks Pansy.
Sequoia: You're evil.
Kim: Yeah, you’re... it’s really…
Sequoia: Suck.
Kim: “Don't you speak to him that way!” Harry shouted at her. “She's right Harry,” Dumbledore admitted...
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: ...his voice filled with regret. ”I let myself be swept into the same prejudices I swore I would never accept.”
Sequoia: [high-pitched] Uuuuuuuuum. Uhhhhh!
Kim: I don’t know if that’s uh…
Sequoia: This is defini… yeah that’s a…
Kim: I don’t know if it’s, uhhhh...
Sequoia: You know, like, that’s a pre book seven fic right there.
Kim: Yeah. ”I looked at Draco and saw Slytherin instead of seeing him as an individual. I regret that now. I can't go back and change things no matter how tempted I may be. But I can make his ghosthood comfortable.”
Sequoia: Wait, what?
Kim: Yeah. Prepare yourself…
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: ...for some... for some...
Sequoia: Oh dear.
Kim: “Only Harry can make Draco truly happy.” Pansy told them. “He never had the courage to say it. But he loved you, Harry. He wanted you to save him from his father and the Dark Lord. Even though he is dead, he is still not safe. The Dark Lord has the ability to enslave ghosts.”
Sequoia: Noooo! No!
Kim: Those who stay here....
Sequoia: Nooo! What? What is happening?
Kim: The Dark Lord has the ability to enslave ghosts, Sequoia!
Sequoia: Okay, yeaaaahhh.
Kim: So Draco is not...
Sequoia: Like the ability to…
Kim: What purpose...? Why would you...?
Sequoia: What can a ghost even accomplish?
Kim: Nothing. Hang out. [Sequoia laughs] Look at stuff. Make spooky noises.
Sequoia: I guess they could spy.
Kim: They’ve got limited abilities to interact with the physical world. Myrtle’s always splashing water everywhere.
Sequoia: Yeah, get some ghosts to splash some water on people.
Kim: Yesss. [Sequoia laughs] Seems like a really good way to further the war effort.
Sequoia: Yeah, the Dark Lord's plan is revealed at last.
Kim: [laughs] He's gonna get Harry so wet! [Sequoia laughs] Or wait, that’s what Draco wants.
Sequoia: Oh God! Dracooo!
Kim: Dracooooo! [back to Pansy voice] “The Dark Lord has the ability to enslave ghosts. Those who stay here are at less risk, but those who have family outside Hogwarts may be called away from its safety unless they have family inside Hogwarts to counter this summons.”
Sequoia: I’m so confused. Is he gonna marry ghost Draco? [whimpering] What is happening?
Kim: [singing] Hold for the teeeext.
Sequoia: [still whimpering] What is going on?
Kim: “You do not have to decide now, Harry,” Dumbledore told him. “Draco's a new ghost, so his initial appearances won't be very often. I believe we shall not see him again until the Snitch appears at the next Quidditch match...
Sequoia: No.
Kim: He's gonna just like ghostily keep trying to catch the Snitch. Do you think that's it?
Sequoia: That’s so sad!
Kim: ...which, as you know, is not until the start of next year.”
Sequoia: But Harry's about to graduate.
Kim: “Take the holidays to think it over.”
Sequoia: Wait, isn't he in his seventh year?
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: “If you agree, I believe Madam Hooch would be happy to accept you as her apprentice.” They're gonna hire him...
Sequoia: Oh! Okay.
Kim: …to stay at Hogwarts, forever.
Sequoia: To stay at Hogwarts forever. Okay.
Kim: “You'll have to give up your dream of being an Auror, however.”
Sequoia: What about defeating the Dark Lord? D… he’s...
Kim: “Agree to what?” Harry asked. “To marry Draco.”
Sequoia: [screaming] Yeeeeeess!
Kim: Dumbledore replied.
Sequoia: Yeeess! Yes! Marry ghost Draco! Marry him!
Kim: And then… and then unfortunately that's the end of this fic.
Sequoia: Oh my god. No!
Kim: I was sad when I read this the first time ‘cause I was like I want to read about Harry's married life with ghost Draco. [laughs]
Sequoia: I like how conveniently ghost Draco is not gonna show up again until Harry's had some time to like think over it.
Kim: [simultaneously] Think about it?
Sequoia: Also, Harry could just be like, nahhh.
Kim: Right? It seems like Harry's not interested.
Sequoia: Yeah, also, but, like…
Kim: [laughing] They're like Harry, you have to give up all of your dreams and agree to marry this shithead. You in? And Harry's like, hmmmmmm…
Sequoia: Nah. [pause] Nah, I’m good.
Kim: Also, yeah, I don’t know what their plans are for the war.
Sequoia: Maybe Harry's supposed to take the holidays, defeat Voldemort, figure it out.
Kim: But if he defeats Voldemort, then...
Sequoia: ...he doesn’t have to marry Draco.
Kim: [simultaneously] ...he doesn’t get to marry Draco.
Sequoia: Maybe he should just do that instead.
Kim: Maybe that’s just… maybe that’s just incentive for Harry to finally just fucking finish the war. [Sequoia laughs] Everybody's sick of it and they're like Harry, just...
Sequoia: Harry, will you just kill Voldemort now, this...
Kim: Or else we’ll marry you to Draco. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Ghost Draco!
Kim: [singing] Ghost Dracooo. Marriage. Ghost marriage! Yeah.
Sequoia: I am just like, I'm just trying to imagine being like...
Kim: Married to a ghost? Or having to spend any amount of time with Draco? [both laugh]
Sequoia: I love how Pansy is like the all-knowing one.
Kim: Yeah, right? She’s, like...
Sequoia: She's the one who comes in and is like, let me tell you what the sitch is, guys.
Kim: I’ll tell you about ghosts, I got some exposition to throw down. And everyone's like, thank you Pansy. You're so clever.
Sequoia: Thank you, Pansy. How much? How I...? Why do you know so much about Voldemort?
Kim: And ghosts.
Sequoia: And ghosts, and what he can do to ghosts? Tell us about your relationship with Voldemort, Pansy.
Kim: Oh Pans... Pansy doesn’t fucking know anything. Jesus! [Sequoia laughs] She's an idiot!
Sequoia: I'm so happy that you found this for me, because ummm. Also, I would say, that Harry's not the main character.
Kim: No, it's Draco.
Sequoia: Draco's the main character.
Kim: It’s Draco.
Sequoia: So I obviously zeroed out on that. But then again, here we are back in the same how the fuck would I even have, you know...
Kim: You know, it's a deciding match. If you'd said that the match was Quidditch…
Sequoia: I didn't even think about…
Kim: ...I would have complained about giving you that point, too.
Sequoia: Yeah, I know. I didn't even... I should have…. I should have tried to dissect the title more.
Kim: There is no point in doing that.
Sequoia: I could have gotten Quidditch out of the word match.
Kim: Maybe, yeah.
Sequoia: I could have gotten there. I just didn't.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. I want one of our listeners to write the rest of this story. [Sequoia laughing] Listeners, I'm issuing a challenge.
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: Write about what you think Harry and Draco's married ghost life would be.
Sequoia: Then tweet it at us in eight hundred tweets.
Kim: Tweet it at us... Oh my god! [both laugh, then Kim sighs] Put it somewhere. I want it.
Sequoia: I wanna know, can you show me...
Kim: Give me some... give me some drabbles! About…
Sequoia: I fucking love drabble, give me some drabble.
Kim: ...Harry being like, Oh, I had such a hard day teaching flying at Hogwarts today and Draco's all like, I would have made you dinner, but I'm a ghost. [both laugh, especially Sequoia] So, yeah, that's what I want. Listeners.
[laughter]
Sequoia: What is happening? What is fanfiction?
Kim: I love fanfiction. Okay, so this next one I'm going to read is called Crime and Punishment, and I'm going to tag it humor and erotica.
Sequoia: Okay, this is a fic about Draco Malfoy. This takes place at, post seventh year.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And it's...
Kim: We wish.
Sequoia: And it's uh… takes place at the Ministry of Magic.
Kim: Awesooome! Draco, in the Ministry of Magic, post seventh year.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, good, awesome.
Sequoia: Can you tell how hard I tried on those?
Kim: They were great. They’re great. You're great. You try your very best. [Sequoia laughs] Okay. “Aha!” [microphone oversteers]
Sequoia: [surprised] Ugh, Jesus Christ! [laughing] Okay.
Kim: “Aha!” Still too loud. “Aha!”
Sequoia: Still... oh geez, oh god.
Kim: “Aha!” “Aha!” “Aha!”
Sequoia: Keeping all of them. keeping it all.
Kim: ‘Kay. I apologize to our listeners who... whose eardrums I just blew out. I also blew out mine, if it helps.
Sequoia: I was here too.
Kim: Neville nearly cra...
Sequoia: Neville! Nevilllllle! [Kim laughs]
Kim: Neville nearly crashed into Ron as the redhead stopped short upon the sight which greeted them in the sixth floor boys’ bathroom.
Sequoia: Oh my god, What's happening?
Kim: Okay, I gotta work myself up for this line. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: Draco Malfoy was standing in front of a urinal with his trousers around his ankles holding a quite violated looking Trevor the toad in his hand.
Sequoia: [screaming] Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Where do you find this shit?!
Kim: Internet. [both laugh for a longer period of time]
Sequoia: Do we continue to read this fic? [laughing while speaking] Or is that just the end?
Kim: That’s, like, enough, isn’t it? That would have been sufficient for me to want to show it to you. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Okay, okay.
Kim: The interlopers both stared in shock as they watched him rub Neville’s treasured pet up and down his erect penis. [Sequoia laughing helplessly] You know Malfoy. You know Malfoy, just chillin’ in the boys bathroom.
Sequoia: Where’d he get Trevor?
Kim: You know, Trevor’s always lost and just hops off.
Sequoia: That’s true. [Kim laughing] When you're a young man, how do you know that you're sexually attracted to toads? [both laughing]
Kim: Noooo. You're out hanging out by the pond one day. [Sequoia laughs] Then you see the greenest…
Sequoia: [through laughter] Oh my god, I hate it!
Kim: Maybe it's just that the color reminds him of someone else.
Sequoia: It's Harry's eyes.
Kim: I just made that shit up. That's not it. That's not it. Malfoy turned and froze at the sound of Ron's voice, but Ron lowered his wand and made a face similar to when he had belched slugs in second year.
Sequoia: Yeah, he's gonna, I would throw up. I would throw up.
Kim: I'm throwing up right now.
Sequoia: Yup.
Kim: “Malfoy. What the fuck are you doing?” [both laugh] That's appropriate. That’s appropriate.
Sequoia: Yeah. It’s appropriate.
Kim: An appropriate reaction to this. “What the fuck does it look like I’m doing?” [Sequoia laughs hysterically, Kim joins]
Sequoia: He’s just like oh god, Jesus, guys. What do you think I'm doing?
Kim: Can’t you see I’m busy…?
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: ...doing this...shit. Malfoy spat back in a tone that was a little too dignified for someone caught wanking with a toad in the urinal.
Sequoia: [laughs] Agreed.
Kim: Malfoy! You know, we were just talking earlier about how no one characterizes Malfoy correctly in fanfiction.
Sequoia: This is pretty good so far! [both laugh]
Kim: Today is emotional trauma for treasured characters day.
Sequoia: Yeah. [through laughter] I don't think I've been this physically uncomfortable in a long time.
Kim: Neville had nothing to say. He sure was making a disgusted face as well. He leaned against the wall and waited for what Ron had promised would be a right arse kicking. Ron, however, simply stared at Malfoy and shook his head in disbelief. Malfoy smirked, making no effort to cover his indecency or even stop touching himself… [pauses to laugh] with Trevor.
Sequoia: What up, bros?
Kim: [through laughter] Hold for the text.
Sequoia: Oh, no. Do I even want to know?
Kim: “Plan on sticking around for the show?”
Sequoia: [laughing] This is some really great characterization.
Kim: [sounding constricted] It's been a while since I've read this story. It's worse than I remembered. It’s amazing. Thank you. [Sequoia laughs] [whispers] Thank you. Ron furrowed his brow and raised his wand again. “No,” he said firmly. “In fact, we had an idea for a show of our own. Incarcerous.”
Sequoia: Wait, what does that spell do?
Kim: Neville, who had no idea what Ron was talking about, watched in awe as thick ropes emerged from the tip of Won’s... Ron's... This... this trips me up every time.
Both: ...Ron's wand...
Kim: ...and carried Malfoy across the room, binding him neatly to a small column that separated the stalls. It's a spell that ties people up. So.
Sequoia: Okay, right. So he's just tied up naked, erect Draco.
Kim: I don’t think he was naked, I think his pants were around his ankles, if I recall.
Sequoia: Yeah, so that's the important part.
Kim: You know... his peeny-weeny’s out…”The punishment for stealing another wizard’s toad is quite severe,” said Ron...
Sequoia: Oh geez. What's happening? Oh geez!
Kim: ...tapping his wand against his hand threateningly. “Poor Neville has been looking for him for at least two hours, which is entirely too long to be searching for a toad.” This is great dialogue, I love this.
Sequoia: [uncomfortably] I really like the dialogue, I do. Except something heinous is about to happen.
Kim: You know, you know… As Ron spoke, the toad in question happily hopped into the toilet, as though he was washing away any presence of Malfoy from his body.
Sequoia: Yes. Valid.
Kim: Appropriate. “Weasel,” Malfoy said warningly, which Neville thought was rich for someone tied to a bathroom stall with his pants around his ankles. [Sequoia laughs] Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.
Kim: It's appropriate.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: Ron raised his eyebrows. “What, Malfoy? Don't you want to play a little game with us?”
Sequoia: Oh, geez.
Kim: “I recall you enjoying our little games a few years ago. You certainly didn't have any complaints when I tied you to the Quidditch hoop back in fifth year. Weasley was your king indeed.” Whaddup?
Sequoia: [whispering shrilly] Wait, what is happening?
Kim: Whaddup?
Sequoia: [still shrill] Wait, what’s happening?
Kim: Whaddup?
Sequoia: Wait!
Kim: Whaddup?
Sequoia: [while laughing] Wait! Okay.
Kim: Whaddup?
Sequoia: Ummm...
Kim: Question? Got a question?
Sequoia: Yeah. So I'm wondering the exact relationship between Ron and Draco...
Kim: Imma show you here. I’m gonna... I’m gonna make some hand gestures at you...
Sequoia: Oh no. Yeah, uh huh.
Kim: ...that the listeners can't see, but...
Sequoia: Oh, yeah, okay.
[sound of skin slapping against skin]
[both laugh]
Kim: [clears throat] Or whatever...
Sequoia: Okay, so I like how the fic started…
Kim: Uh huh?
Sequoia: ...with Draco just being inappropriate with the toad.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And now… [laughs] I like this story progression.
Kim: Yesss! Malfoy gasped and Neville’s jaw dropped. Despite, well, everything, Neville found himself getting aroused by Malfoy’s vulnerable state…
Sequoia: [shrilly] Oh my god!
Kim: ...as well as Ron's authoritative tone.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: He also noticed that when Ron said the word “king”, Malfoy’s cock twitched.
Sequoia: Nooo!
Kim: Yup, we gotta put that explicit warning up. I'm sorry, dude.
Sequoia: Gotta… gotta… we gotta… [laughs]
Kim: I was gonna, I was gonna cut out…. Well, we'll get to there. Ron noticed too. “Ah, I see nothing has changed. In fact, if I hadn't dumped you for Harry, you'd probably still be letting me fuck you into the wall.”
Sequoia: [whispers shrilly] Oh my god!
Kim: Neville’s eyes widened. Harry?
Sequoia: There is... there is... there is…. there is SO much happening.
Kim: Yeah? You best prepare yourself.
Sequoia: There's… Oh my god! No, I can't, I can't prepare myself. I don't think it's possible.
Kim: He couldn't stop himself. “Ron, you're... gay?” Both Ron and Malfoy snapped their heads to look at him [Sequoia laughing in the background] with identical expressions of confusion and amusement.
Sequoia: Neville. Get it together! Worst gaydar ever.
Kim: “Of course I am,” said Ron. “We all are.”
Sequoia: [high-pitched] Wait… wait… wait… wait! [laughter] I’ve never felt so confined by a chair before! I need to be like, I don't know…
Kim: A few rooms over?
Sequoia: Uhh, yeah… Okay, yeah, they're all gay, but Neville doesn't know.
Kim: Neville doesn’t... Is that so surprising?
Sequoia: Is a Hogwarts student... a gay student body?
Kim: No, here's the thing: “Wizards are homosexual by nature once they are of age.”
Sequoia: Oh my god! Oh. My. God!
Kim: “Didn't you pay attention?”
Sequoia: Oh my god! [almost shouting] Oh my God!
Kim: This is it. This is it. This is why I wanted to read you the fic. This is just so amazing. I love this. It's obvious, right?
Sequoia: Uhhh.
Kim: In retrospect.
Sequoia: Yeah. Canon as fuck. [laughing] I feel like you’ve set everyone up for a podcast for you to say outrageous shit and I just scream oh my god over and over again.
Kim: We’ll get back on track someday maybe, if I keep... if I ever stop finding outrageous shit. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay, yeah, this is great. They’re all gay.
Kim: “Wizards are homosexual by nature once they’re of age. Didn't you pay attention in our sex ed class?”
Sequoia: Yes, the Hogwarts sex ed class.
Kim: That Neville didn’t pay attention to.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Obviously.
Sequoia: He was embarrassed.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: He didn’t go.
Kim: Yeah. His Gran signed a waiver.
Sequoia: Mhm. Said she’d tell him all about it, but she didn’t.
Kim: She wouldn’t.
Sequoia: Now that explains those feelings he was having earlier about Malfoy and Ron.
Kim: Yeah, it’s ‘cause he’s gay.
Sequoia: Still doesn’t explain Trevor, but like, all right guys.
Kim: Well, you know... you know, we’ll get there, maybe. Malfoy snorted. "Yeah, Longbottom, where have you been?" Neville said nothing. [short pause] This is where I’m gonna cut...
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: ...from here. They go on to some not terribly interesting for this podcast… umm... threesome sex where they make a Neville sandwich.
[Kim proceeds to make the suggestive clapping noises again, Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Stop doing that with your hands! Stop it!
Kim: [emphatically] Neville sandwich.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: So then they’re done with the Neville sandwich. Trevor the Toad emerged from his toilet bath and eyed his master getting sandwiched between two other boys. Shaking his little toad head, he hopped out of the bathroom to see if any of the other students believed in the myth that rubbing a magical toad against one's penis makes it bigger. THE END. [short pause] Trevor’s into it, dude.
Sequoia: Ohhhh my goood.
Kim: ‘Cause, you know…
Sequoia: Oh my god! [unintelligible sounds that show discomfort]
Kim: You know.
Sequoia: I am just like, I’m seriously distraught.
Kim: Yeah? You know...
Sequoia: Umm.
Kim: So. yeah, there’s that. Do you…?
Sequoia: I get a point for that.
Kim: You do get a point.
Sequoia: I get a point.
Kim: Because you said that Draco would be in it.
Sequoia: I said Draco would be the main... one of the main characters...
Kim: You did say that.
Sequoia: ...and he was. One of the...
Kim: He was… he was one of the pieces of bread…
Sequoia: ...of bread…
Kim: ...around the...
Sequoia: ... in the Neville sandwich.
Kim: Around the sandwich.
Sequoia: You know if someone had told me…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...today...
Kim: Uh huh
Sequoia: ...if someone had said...
Kim: Uh huh
Sequoia: ...you know, did you know that all wizards are gay? [Kim laughs] I would have said no, but NOW...
Kim: Now you know.
Sequoia: Now I know.
Kim: And now, dear listener, so do you.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: Do you have recommendations?
Kim: Uuuuuhhhhh...
Sequoia: Something, like, cleansing.
Kim: Just go read those! Just go read those.
Sequoia: No. The people need something to cleanse their palate!
Kim: So I’m gonna recommend something that has nothing to do with anything I read today.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. Good.
Kim: I’m gonna recommend a story called A Little Homework. It’s a really fun story. It’s kind of... it’s kind of like an adventurous and surprising story that I thought was very plausible and fun.
Sequoia: Cool.
Kim: So I recommend you read it.
Sequoia: Okay, so...
Kim: That was a thing.
Sequoia: That was a thing, and if you want to tweet at us about it, [Kim laughs] you should.
Kim: You should! Please! We wanna hear from you guys.
Sequoia: We do.
Kim: We love our listeners and we wanna know more about you.
Sequoia: And why you think that Neville and Harry and Ron is a valid ship.
Kim: No, no, it was... that was… you know, that one’s fine too.
Sequoia: Draco and something and something.
Kim: Any… any Neville threesome. [Sequoia laughing] Tell us which Neville threesome you think would be best. Who are the best two characters to make a Neville sandwich out of?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, so you can tweet at us or Instagram or we got a Facebook, those are all @FanaticalFics.
Kim: And if you wanna send us something a little longer or like tell us about a story that you’ve written or whatever else we have a email as well, that’s fanaticalfics@gmail.com, so shoot us an email if you’re interested.
Sequoia: If you want some extra stuff out of this listening experience in the form of…
Kim: Bonus…
Sequoia: ...us just ranting about stuff, or…
Kim: Babbling…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ...incoherently.
Sequoia: If you, yeah, if you think it’s fun to listen to us just tangent.
Kim: Or... there’s like one piece of extra written content as well that’s up there.
Sequoia: I’m gonna write something. Soon.
Kim: You keep fucking saying that.
Sequoia: I know. I am though! Yeah, you can go to our Patreon.
Kim: Yeah! Um, we got extra content and also some swag at the higher tiers.
Sequoia: Yeah, that link is in the description.
Kim: Yeah! Also linked in the description is a submission form. If you’ve read a fanfiction story that you think we need to see, tell us!
Sequoia: Put it in the thing!
Kim: I will read it! Or Sequoia will read it! You can...
Sequoia: We will read it!
Kim: Yeah. We want to hear… We love reading fanfiction, and I want more.
Sequoia: There’s so much of it.
Kim: I want way more!
Sequoia: Yeah, it is more than likely that you will send us something that we have not seen.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Or if it’s something insane we’d like to read it.
Kim: I wanna read everything.
Sequoia: Yeah, send it our way!
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: Submission form, social media, email, any which way, we want to hear from you.
Kim: Or leave us a review.
Sequoia: Oh, actually really do that though!
Kim: Because we love kind, constructive criticism.
Sequoia: No flames!
Kim: No. Flames.
Sequoia: [singing] We don’t want no flames.
Kim: Oh my god! [Sequoia laughs] Deep cuts! These are references to previous episodes. Our thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song, it’s their amazing song, Wolfstar.
Sequoia: Byyyeeee!
Kim: [quickly] Bye!