Episode 7: Amongst the Windswept Trees/The Love Bracelet
In this episode Sequoia picks some fics that are truly insane and Kim can’t figure out what’s going on. It’s all about the text here folks.
Recommendation: A Matter of Great Importance
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2647765/1/A-Matter-of-Great-Importance
Kim: [singing] Meow meow meow meow. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, god. [both laugh] I didn't ask for this. I mean, maybe I did.
Kim: Wait, are you recording?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Jesus!
Sequoia: Sorry not sorry.
Kim: Eh, we’re not gonna use that. That was garbage.
Sequoia: No, it was garbage. Or was it?
Kim: Yes, it was garbage.
Sequoia: It was garbage.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, this is Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And this is Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: Your favorite Harry Potter [singing] fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: [in the same tune] Nah nah nah nah nah. [both laugh] It’s another singing episode, how fun.
Kim: Oh no, we can’t stop now. We've opened the door to our weird singing, and everyone is going to hear how bad I am at it. It's great.
Sequoia: I just am trying to get on your level.
Kim: Of badness?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Oh, that’s hurtful.
Sequoia: Sorry. [laughs]
Kim: Just... just... just... gah.
Sequoia: Sorry not sorry.
Kim: Rude.
Sequoia: So what are we doing?
Kim: This is episode… [sighs] this is episode seven.
Sequoia: Again?
Kim: Yeah. You told me that… I guess the first… first cut of seven… we tried this. We tried this a couple days ago.
Sequoia: It's bad. [Kim laughs] It is not good podcasting.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: So we're just gonna…
Kim: So…
Sequoia: So we're trying again.
Kim: …we’re trashing it. And for those of you who have been wondering like what these episodes sound like unedited, full of all the weird mouth noises we make and just all the garbage talking we do, the unedited version of seven is going up on Patreon.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Of the trash version of seven.
Sequoia: The trash version of seven. You will have to have subscribed at five dollars or up…
Kim: Yeah, for the…
Sequoia: …to get to it.
Kim: To the bonus content level. But yeah.
Sequoia: I think that’s everybody anyway, but...
Kim: Yeah. If you’re interested in hearing that…
Sequoia: It’s gonna go up.
Kim: …and you can listen to it. I don't know that I'm gonna listen to it.
Sequoia: I'm not gonna listen to it.
Kim: [laughing] Just embarrassing.
Sequoia: Yeah, sorry to the four people who are like, I think I should listen to this. And then they're like, what is this trash?
Kim: We’re trashing it for a reason.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Let’s just preface it with that.
Sequoia: Yeah, we're re-recording for a reason. We haven't had to re-record yet. But the time came.
Kim: Here we are.
Sequoia: Here we are. So there was something in the beginning of seven that we have to do again.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: So, we're bad people.
Kim: [gasps] Oh! [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, we're bad people. We're bad friends.
Kim: We really are.
Sequoia: Just... so, like, if you listen to this podcast and you, like, don't know us, or you know like one of us sort of, and you're like, man, I'd love to hang out with those chicks more.
Kim: They seem so funny and…
Sequoia: And good at…
Kim: …whatever.
Sequoia: …friendship.
Kim: I can't imagine why you would have that impression of us. But…
Sequoia: I don’t either.
Kim: But it's an incorrect impression. We’re assholes.
Sequoia: We’re terrible friends. Our logo was designed by the lovely wonderful Lexi Harrison.
Kim: She's a really good friend of ours. We were like, hey, oh my gosh, we're launching this podcast and we need a logo, help.
Sequoia: Yeah, and she like... she did it in such a timely manner. And like there was, like, all of these issues.
Kim: And I love it.
Sequoia: I wanted to launch and…
Kim: It looks so good.
Sequoia: And she just…
Kim: And we forgot to thank her...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ...for however many months it's been.
Sequoia: It’s been a long time. It is episode seven here. And finally, thank you...
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: …so much, Lexi.
Kim: You’re a great friend and we’re bad friends.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: So…
Sequoia: Okay so we…
Kim: …if you like our logo, you know, get in contact with Lexi.
Sequoia: So Lexi does have a DeviantArt page and that will be linked in the description of this podcast if you want to go check out some of her art.
Kim: Yeah. Cool. Thanks, Lexi.
Sequoia: Thanks, Lexi.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: So we’re gonna...
Kim: [singing] Do do do do do do. Let’s get started.
Sequoia: We’re gonna do this. Let's try...
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: [singing] … this again.
Kim: So it's Sequoia’s turn to read me some stories. What do you have for me today? How many we doing?
Sequoia: Three.
Kim: Oh my god! What the fuck? No!
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: No. [inhales] Oh Jesus.
Sequoia: We are. It’s still gonna be… the word count is still gonna be less than our re… our general episodes.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: Okay?
Kim: Jesus. [laughing]
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: I’m in.
Sequoia: You have so many opportunities for points right now.
Kim: Yeah, I know. I’m planning on…
Sequoia: Like, I shouldn’t be doing this.
Kim: I’m planning on doing one for you next time. Whatever.
Sequoia: Okay, well, you know, it’s fine.
Kim: [singing] You’re just never gonna catch up.
Sequoia: [singing] Never gonna catch up. [pause] [normal voice] Okay. This first fic is called Amongst The Windswept Trees.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: And it is adventure/suspense.
Kim: [laughing] Gosh, I have no fucking clue. You know what? I don't read any adventure tagged ones. I just, there’s…
Sequoia: I love adventure.
Kim: It’s good, but there's so much less of it than there is romance stuff. I’m just, like, stalling for time here. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Right? Just make something up.
Kim: It takes place in the… Forbidden Forest.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: ‘Cause trees, I guess. It's gonna be about… they're looking for a Horcrux. And… in the... for… they're looking for a Horcrux in the Forbidden Forest and [pause] Luna finds it.
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: That’s my prediction.
Sequoia: Here we go.
Kim: Horcrux hunting. I'm gonna guess this has nothing to do with that. Let's go. Let's do it.
Sequoia: Okay. It was a warm sun dappled day. Apples were in full bloom about them, and a tiny chipmunk peeped in the trees.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Little birds scuttled about the twiggy forest.
Kim: This is a very picturesque scene you're painting for me.
Sequoia: The leaves spoke of untold mystery...
Kim: The leaves did what?
Sequoia: …that was soon to be told!
Kim: Oh! Thank you, leaves, for letting us know that this is a suspenseful story.
Sequoia: There's a mystery soon to be told.
Kim: Are the leaves gonna tell it?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Oh. Well, they're already talking, so… [both laugh]
Sequoia: "So, how've you been?" Harry spoke, an uneasy tone settling into his manly child's voice.
Kim: His wha..? [both laugh] What is a manly child’s voice?
Sequoia: His manly child’s voice.
Kim: I’m sorry. What? I… I don’t even know what that would sound like. Is it just like a… is it…? I have no idea.
Sequoia: I can’t help you.
Kim: Ah haha? [laughs]
Sequoia: The bespectacled young man learned many melodious songs from the sounds of the minuscule atoms blowing about his head...
Kim: [whispering] What?
Sequoia: ...while he waited for the one sitting across from him to reply.
Kim: [singing] What is happening? [normal voice] Is Harry trippin’? Did he drop some wizard acid? What is happening?
Sequoia: I think wizard acid might just be acid. [both laugh] I’m not sure there is a distinction there.
Kim: Oooh okay, fine. Harry is learning songs from atoms. Great.
Sequoia: It's a great way to say that the other person took a minute to respond.
Kim: Is that what that means?
Sequoia: I… yeah.
Kim: I don’t know that that’s… I think he’s tripping on wizard acid.
Sequoia: I think that’s what that means. [both laugh] The other person did not reply. Not yet. [Kim snorts] Instead, his critical gaze swept over the foggy bend. "I quite like this place."
Kim: Is this…? No, it’s act... what is happening? [both laugh]
Sequoia: "I quite like this place," he said at last. "It reminds me of my childhood, when my mammy would bake warm apple pies and…” [bursts out laughing] Sorry.
Kim: [laughing] Who is... who... who is this person? Why did they just say mammy? Do British people eat apple pie?
Sequoia: No, only Americans eat apple pie.
Kim: Yeah, I thought we were the ones that were allowed to eat that. [both laugh] That’s our culture.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: What’s a mammy?
Sequoia: “…when my mammy would bake warm apple pies and squeeze fresh prune juice out of the young saplings on a summer's day."
Kim: What the fuck?! [Sequoia laughs] What? [both laugh] [high pitched] Yes, dear child, I’ve warm prune juice and apple pie.
Sequoia: That sounds so nasty.
Kim: Mostly just the warm prune juice.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Ugh.
Sequoia: He sighed and said no more.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: "Okay, that's cool." Harry nodded encouragingly.
Kim: [low, chilled out voice] Cool man, that’s good.
Sequoia: [in the same tone] Cool. That’s some cool prune juice, dude.
Kim: [quietly] What the fuck?
Sequoia: Before he could say more, the other person did.
Kim: Wait. Okay, are there two people or…?
Sequoia: There’s two people.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: We just keep… it's Harry and the other person.
Kim: Is the mystery/suspense who this other person is?
Sequoia: I think so.
Kim: Where's the action?
Sequoia: Just wait!
Kim: Oh god.
Sequoia: Hold for the text!
Kim: I can see it on your screen. This is like... this is like a one inch long story.
Sequoia: It’s three hundred words long. [laughs]
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: Okay. Mmm. “I was young then," he continued thoughtfully. "With a firm, supple body.”
Kim: What?
Sequoia: “And hair that smelled faintly of roses.”
Kim: No. [Sequoia laughing] Oh my god, what is happening? Legitimately... like? [sighs]
Sequoia: I... when I first read this, I cried. I was like… I was just… I wasn't reading it out loud. There wasn’t any other people. I was just reading it on my screen and crying.
Kim: My mammy used to wash my hair with roses and prune juice. [both laugh] [sighs]
Sequoia: “Alas, those were the days long gone… where are they now? [shouting] WHERE ARE THEY NOW?!" [both laugh]
Kim: I’m sorry, I didn’t talk before about this person saying “supple body.” [Sequoia laughs loudly] I just wanted to bring that up again. Like, yes, thank you.
Sequoia: Thank you for that. [Kim laughs] He paused for a moment, recollecting himself and his thoughts. [pause] “I can only gaze back into the black abyss. [Kim snorts] The corridor of my life, from which I came, because I lived there and traveled many days yonder.”
Kim: What?
Sequoia: “Alack!”
Kim: What? [laughing] The corridor of my life.
Sequoia: The corridor of my life from which I came. [Kim laughs] It’s my… the corner and I came from it.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Because I lived there and traveled for many days yonder.
Kim: [singing] What’s happening with you?
Sequoia: It’s a really long corridor.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Very long corridor.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Many years traveled.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Many days yonder.
Kim: And it's also a dark void of a corridor?
Sequoia: Yeah. N... abyss. Abyss.
Kim: Oh, abyss.
Sequoia: A black abyss.
Kim: The corridor is a black abyss.
Sequoia: I can only gaze back into the black abyss. The corridor of my life.
Kim: Can you have a corridor that's also an abyss?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Fine. [both laugh]
Sequoia: “Alack! Wherefore art thou now, fair spring time?! I would tear thee asunder before I would let thou slippest from my grasp again.” [Kim inhales in a strained way] [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: What? Whaaat?
Sequoia: This is the episode that’s just laughing, I think.
Kim: What is happening?
Sequoia: Harry nodded knowingly.
Kim: What? No! [Sequoia laughs] No you don’t.
Sequoia: Yeah, bro.
Kim: You don’t know what’s happening.
Sequoia: Yeah, bro. I know.
Kim: Or is he just like, yeah…sure...
Sequoia: Yeah, no, I…
Kim: That’s…
Sequoia: I feel you about…
Kim: That’s a thing that is…
Sequoia: About…
Kim: Those are words that you are saying.
Sequoia: …the corridor.
Kim: Alack.
Sequoia: Alack. [pause] “That is so tragic, I completely understand.”
Kim: Harry is high as fuck.
Sequoia: “I too have tasted the bitter bowel of knowledge in my wandering eye.”
Kim: I’m sorry, did you just say, “bitter bowel of knowledge?” [screams of laughter from Sequoia] [high pitched whisper] Oh my god. [Sequoia continues to laugh] I have to breathe or else I'm gonna start crying.
Sequoia: I can see it in your eyes. I can s… the tears welling up in your eyes.
Kim: Because I feel like knowledge generally isn't transferred by analingus! [both laugh] Oh my god. I have tossed the salad bowl of knowing. [Sequoia laughing] I have probed the brown star of enlightenment with my tongue.
Sequoia: [still laughing] Oh god!
Kim: I’ll stop. I'll stop.
Sequoia: “I too understand." The two men smiled in agreement. Their days of…
Kim: What that a… was he propositioning him?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: I’m sorry, what? It said bowel, right?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: It does. I... w… when I was reading this to… to read it… when I was reading it over to read it again.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: I read that word over and over just to make sure that it was what it was. I was like, that doesn't say bowl. It doesn’t. It does not say bowl.
Kim: I don’t think bowl… bowl wouldn't make any more sense.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Okay fine, continue.
Sequoia: Okay. Their days of war were over, and soon to come may be a new tomorrow, being today!
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: The End.
Kim: No! What? No, no, it can't. What the… where was the…?
Sequoia: Guess what the other character was. It was Harry and who guess the other character... because they tell… they tell me. I see… in the description.
Kim: Was it Voldemort?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: [laughing] I’m sorry. [Sequoia laughs] What just happened?
Sequoia: Um.
Kim: How was that action or suspense?
Sequoia: Yeah, it was an adventure/suspense.
Kim: Oh, was it adventure?
Sequoia: I don't know.
Kim: But then…
Sequoia: Do you want to hear the description of it?
Kim: Yes, please.
Sequoia: Harry and Voldemort have a picnic to resolve their differences once and for all, one way or another. I lit… I think that this is… I think that this is meant to be… funny.
Kim: You think it's like a parody?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: What the fuck? [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, it seems to me to be…
Kim: Harry’s sitting there and he's high as fuck. [Sequoia laughs] And Voldemort’s just like…
Sequoia: I think they're both high.
Kim: That’s gotta be it.
Sequoia: Yeah. They're like... they were like, you know what? You know how we end the war?
Kim: Should resolve this.
Sequoia: We get Voldemort super sm…
Kim: Drop some wizard acid. Go sit outside where it's nice.
Sequoia: And talk it out.
Kim: And talk it… talk… talk.
Sequoia: Talk out your feelings.
Kim: I was thinking that it was Dumbledore for most of it. But…
Sequoia: Nah.
Kim: You know?
Sequoia: I was trying to do a voice.
Kim: I did not hear a voice.
Sequoia: It was a voice. It was a mean, sad voice.
Kim: [singing] This is the voice.
Sequoia: Oh, god. Oh, no.
Kim: [laughing] I’m sorry. I don't know why I did that.
Sequoia: Anyway, all your predictions were wrong.
Kim: Just fucking… fucking wrong.
Sequoia: Sorry. Sorry, not sorry.
Kim: You know, I don't think I would have got that in a million years. So.
Sequoia: I just… I just am reading you insane things right now, all right?
Kim: Awesome! I love insane shit. You know, I almost predicted that it was gonna be about the end of the war. Would that have counted?
Sequoia: Yeah, it would’ve. I totally would have counted that, a hundred percent. [Kim sighs] Well. [deep voice] Wherefore art thou.
Kim: [deep voice] Licked the bowel… [laughter] …of disappointment. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay, do you wanna… you wanna do some more predictions?
Kim: No, I can't do any more. I’m over it. I’m over it.
Sequoia: Yeah, no, you can’t. You... you gotta do it.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: This one… this one might be easier to predict.
Kim: Eh.
Sequoia: It’s… maybe. It's called The Love Bracelet.
Kim: No, we can't do to another bracelet fic!
Sequoia: Yeah, we can.
Kim: Okay, they are bracelets. [both laugh]
Sequoia: The genre is romance/humor.
Kim: THE Love Bracelet?
Sequoia: THE Love Bracelet.
Kim: Okay, I'm going to guess that the titular love bracelet, you put it on and it falls off when you find the person you love. And I am going to guess that it… the couple. The pairing. Is Dramione. Guessing this is a Dramione.
Sequoia: All right, all right, all right.
Kim: And… oh crap. I need one more, right? It takes place in the Charms classroom.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: Let’s go.
Sequoia: Let's go. Okay.
Kim: This looks like another short one. Is it?
Sequoia: Yep. I told you.
Kim: We’re doing…
Sequoia: We’re doing three short ones.
Kim: Fucking three. Let’s do it.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: Just bing, bang, barf.
Sequoia: Are you ready for your predictions to be wrong immediately? Like mine always are.
Kim: Yes please.
Sequoia: “Ginny.”
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: “I've got something to give you.”
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: “Draco said.”
Kim: Oh. Fuckin’… fuckin’ Draco/Ginny? [Sequoia laughing] Is this just the story I read you?
Sequoia: No. [laughs]
Kim: With the title changed?
Sequoia: But when you read that one to me, I was like…
Kim: I found one exactly like that.
Sequoia: No, it's not. It is insane. All right. Here we go.
Kim: Yes. Thank you. [singing] Draco/Ginny. Great pairing!
Sequoia: [laughing] The singing. Okay. “Ginny, I've got something to give you," Draco said, as he pulled a blue velvet pouch out of his robe.
Kim: Is he going to give her a love bracelet?
Sequoia: Maybe.
Kim: Oh, almost. Almost. No, I didn’t.
Sequoia: No, nope. "It's a bit of a Malfoy tradition. It kind of originated from ancient Ireland.” Ireland. Ireland?
Kim: Are they Irish? The Malfoys?
Sequoia: Y... I guess we're being told.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Right now, by this story.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: That they are Irish.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: “Fann, the beloved of the King, was enchanted by an evil Druid, and was changed into a fawn.” [laughs] Sorry, I can’t.
Kim: Whaaaaat? [Sequoia still laughing] Is that a…
Sequoia: Is that a what?
Kim: Is that a real st… I’m wondering if this is a real myth?
Sequoia: I don't think so.
Kim: No, you don't think so?
Sequoia: Uh uh.
Kim: ‘Kay. Druids. You know them Druids. They’re…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They’re sneaky.
Sequoia: She was Fann, and it's F. A. N. N.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: This is a woman.
Kim: Just turned into a…
Sequoia: She was the beloved of the…
Kim: Fawn?
Sequoia: She was… yeah.
Kim: Fann the fawn.
Sequoia: Fann… [laughs] Jesus. Fann the fawn.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: “The King then had the finest artisans in Ireland fashion a gold bracelet for the fawn to wear, [Kim snorts] to identify her as belonging to him alone…”
Kim: What?
Sequoia: “…so that errant hunters would not, on seeing her perfect beauty, be tempted to capture or kill her."
Kim: What? No. What? No. What? No. Wh… what?
Sequoia: [pointedly] It’s a love bracelet. For Fann the fawn.
Kim: [laughs] But he didn't turn her back. Didn’t get someone to rec...
Sequoia: No, he can’t! He’s just…
Kim: He just… he’s just a dude?
Sequoia: He’s just a King. He’s just the…
Kim: So Draco Malfoy is admitting to being descended from some dude? Is that what's happening? [Sequoia bursts into laughter] Draco?
Sequoia: Draco?
Kim: Hmm, Draco? Um. No wait. I'm still… [Sequoia laughs] let’s go back. You're putting a bracelet on a deer.
Sequoia: On a deer.
Kim: Is it a… do you think she's retained her human intelligence or do you think she's just a deer?
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Kim: And he's just, like, put a bracelet on some deer.
Sequoia: The most perfect looking deer.
Kim: Pfft. Who cares? It's a deer. They’re dumb.
Sequoia: Well, if you're a hunter…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...and you want to capture a perfect deer…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: ...and you see it, but then you see that it's wearing a love bracelet, you're like, well, shit, that one belongs to the King.
Kim: I don't know that…I can't imagine you would notice that it's wear… that the deer’s wearing a bracelet.
Sequoia: There's got to be like grass or something, right?
Kim: Wouldn't like a… wouldn't like a… like a necklace be more noticeable?
Sequoia: It would.
Kim: Than a bracelet?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Or like a hat? [Sequoia laughs] Feel like if I saw a deer running around with a hat, I'd be like, ah, that's noticeable. And…
Sequoia: Just a band around its entire stomach.
Kim: Some pants.
Sequoia: Love pants. [Kim laughs] [deep sensual voice] These are my love pants. [both laugh] This is not where I saw this going.
Kim: Ah, you never know.
Sequoia: You never know.
Kim: What’s going to happen.
Sequoia: “As time went on, his son had a bracelet made for his beloved as a symbol that sh…”
Kim: Deer? His beloved deer? Was his son’s… wait, did… how did he have a son?
Sequoia: [strained gasping laughter] He kept... okay, so he couldn’t...
Kim: [singing] This myth makes no sense.
Sequoia: Okay. No. So the deer?
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Was just a deer forever. Until it died a deer.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But like it's a deer. So the King probably just like married somebody else, but was just like, oh this is my deer.
Kim: But he was still in love with the deer?
Sequoia: Bu… [laughs] It was like, no, this is... this is my deer, but it's a deer.
Kim: Oh my god. We're talking about always being in love with deer.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You know. Deer.
Sequoia: Deer…
Kim: Always. When did this fic come out?
Sequoia: Oh, no!
Kim: When did this fic come out?
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: When did this…?
Sequoia: I didn't even think of this. It was 2001, though.
Kim: Oh, never mind.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Never mind. We’re good.
Sequoia: Wow. foreshadowing as fuck though. That’s really upsetting.
Kim: Isn’t it?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I just… I just… that just hit me. Oh god.
Sequoia: “His son had a bracelet made for his beloved as a symbol that she was his alone.”
Kim: In… in case she got turned into a deer. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, you know, you gotta be careful when there's Druids running around. You got to make sure that you mark your woman. [both laugh]
Kim: So when she's turned into an animal, and the bracelet falls off, because she's much smaller than she was.
Sequoia: Because she was turned into like a frog or something.
Kim: You’re like, oh no…
Sequoia: You don't know. They don’t… the Druids can't… like, they can turn them into anything, I assume.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: They just chose a deer for that particular instance. But it could be…
Kim: So if it was a smaller animal, then the bracelet would be gone.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: And you wouldn't know which frog was yours.
Sequoia: Sad.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Sad.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: “Legend has it that the good Druids, feeling bad about what their wicked brethren had done…” The good Druids? Sorry, I did that with the wrong inflection. Let me try again.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: “Legend has it that the GOOD Druids…”
Kim: Jesus, that was not better.
Sequoia: Yeah it was. [both laugh] “...feeling bad about what their wicked brethren had done, endowed the bracelet with the power to bind the giver and the receiver. So the love bracelet begun.”
Kim: Um, bind them how?
Sequoia: I don't know. “The first Malfoy, Lucifer, wanted…” [Kim laughs] The first Malfoy.
Kim: Lucifer.
Sequoia: Lucifer.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: “...wanted a girl named Georgina. But she was betrothed…”
Kim: Just, like, any girl named Georgina? [Sequoia laughs] Just likes the name. [both laugh]
Sequoia: A girl… just a girl.
Kim: Sorry.
Sequoia: “A girl named Georgina. But she was betrothed to Frederick Weasley, the first Weasley.”
Kim: Ah! Fuckin’ Weasleys!
Sequoia: Ugh.
Kim: Always existing.
Sequoia: Getting yo’ girl. Yeah! Why is… I like that the first Malfoy and the first Weasley existed at like…
Both: The same time.
Sequoia: He was like... like, probably around the same age.
Kim: Yeah. How are you... how can you be?
Sequoia: They were just born unto the world.
Kim: With a last name, and no one before them had one.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Just like suddenly.
Sequoia: They were created.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: It was Lucifer and Frederick. [Kim snorts] “So Lucifer came up with a bracelet like this one.” Oh, so they're not Irish.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: He was just inspired by the Irish. ‘Kay.
Sequoia: By the Druids. He was inspired.
Kim: Fine. I bet he stole it.
Sequoia: Yeah, what a dick.
Kim: Malfoys suck.
Sequoia: Classic.
Kim: Classic any Malfoy.
Sequoia: Setting the stage.
Kim: [laughs] Or whatever.
Sequoia: Classic Lucifer.
Kim: Do you think what's her face was interested? Do you think she was down?
Sequoia: With Lucifer?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Do you think she was down with Lucifer? [both laugh long and loud]
Kim: That’s not that funny.
Sequoia: Yes. “So Lucifer came up with a bracelet like this one. It was like it in almost every way, but instead of love, the bracelets slowly took away their soul.”
Kim: Excuse me. What?
Sequoia: Wait, what? No. “The bracelets slowly took away their soul…”
Kim: What?
Sequoia: “...so that they would come to the person who had given it to them.” So they're like… he created a bracelet to slowly steal her soul, until she was like, I would very much like my soul please, and would come to him. Classic Malfoys.
Kim: Lord! That is so fucked up. Awesome.
Sequoia: Awesome. “Lucifer placed it on Georgina one night when she had boarded at the Weasley castle.” He has access to the Weasley castle?
Kim: The Weasleys have a castle?
Sequoia: It's old… this is old timey times. Everyone has a castle.
Kim: The Weasleys would have never had a castle.
Sequoia: Yeah, they had like one. Like, Frederick, like, burned all their money. He was a gambler or something, I’m sure.
Kim: Oh, those Fredericks.
Sequoia: They had… they had money. And then. “He made it where instead with a tiny screw to keep it together. He made it a complete whole circle. And he used dark magic to make it unbreakable.”
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: “But that night, Frederick had impregnated Georgina.”
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: “She gave birth to the baby eight months later, before the bracelet had completely taken over. Lucifer found out about this and went to kill her, Frederick and the baby, Ronald.”
Kim: [laughing] Um? Um?
Sequoia: [laughing] The baby. Ronald.
Kim: He's like, ah, this chick. I’m not gonna be in love with someone now that she's had a baby.
Sequoia: Now that she's had a baby. I don't know.
Kim: I’m confu… and then why what? Hmm [singing] What is happening?
Sequoia: “But Georgina's sister had the best seeing powers magic has ever known, and warned them.”
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: “They performed the Fidelius charm on them. But Georgina refused to hide and was killed by Lucifer.”
Kim: Why wouldn't you hide?
Sequoia: I don't know.
Kim: Like, [nasal, preppy voice] no, I'm sick of everyone.
Sequoia: Or like…
Kim: This crappy baby crying all the time.
Sequoia: She’s like…
Kim: It’s got red hair.
Sequoia: Well, she still has the bracelet on.
Kim: I’m out. Oh, you think that she…
Sequoia: And it’s stealing her soul, so she probably was just like a useless shell.
Kim: …was like, I want my soul back? Mmm.
Sequoia: Mmm. Yeah. So she's a useless shell.
Kim: Okay, that’s fine.
Sequoia: Killed by Lucifer.
Kim: Eh, she didn’t have a soul.
Sequoia: “Lucifer went on to marry and had a son.”
Kim: Married the corpse?
Sequoia: N… oh my g…! [both laugh] Married somebody who…
Kim: Somebody else.
Sequoia: Whoever.
Both: Whoever.
Sequoia: “His son Damian loved someone…”
Kim: Someone?
Sequoia: “…but she hated him.”
Kim: Yep, nobody likes Malfoys.
Sequoia: Nobody.
Kim: Okay, this story is not very compelling for taking a love bracelet from a Malfoy.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Not really convincing me to do that.
Sequoia: Here, like, ah, Ginny, I got you this. Here's the history of how creepy and fucked up my family members have been...
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: ...using said bracelet.
Kim: Would you like it now?
Sequoia: Can I give it to you? Can I put it on you?
Kim: See, the first part… the first story was like, okay, I could kind of see why you would take that as a present. And it binds you together.
Sequoia: Right. But then...
Kim: And then he's like, oh, but my family does the opposite of that with it.
Sequoia: Yeah. Its a soul… it's more of a soul sucking device, really.
Kim: And Ginny is like whaat? Im sorry, whaaaaat?
Sequoia: “His son Damian loved someone…”
Kim: [quietly] Someone?
Sequoia: “...but she hated him. So Damian used a dark bracelet as well.”
Kim: Ah. Was it the same one?
Sequoia: “And somehow it became a tradition.”
Kim: What? No. What? No. What? I thought that he was gonna be like, and then over the years we changed it from a soul sucking bra... nope, just still a soul sucking bracelet. Great. Awesome.
Sequoia: It’s a tradition.
Kim: Oh, that doesn't make it a good tradition. Jesus. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: [singing triumphantly] Tradition!
Kim: Is that why Narcissa’s so weird? She doesn't have a soul?
Sequoia: Yeah, probably. I don't know. She came from… no, she came from weird people. “That is also how the Weasley Malfoy family feud started.”
Kim: Um, I thought… I thought he killed all the Weasleys? Sounded like since there was only one Weasley and he killed him, his wife and his son.
Sequoia: No he just killed the woman. He just killed Georgina.
Kim: Oh, the other dudes hid. All right, I wasn’t listening.
Sequoia: Yeah, the dudes hid.
Kim: I stopped listening.
Sequoia: They still have souls… had souls and wanted to exist.
Kim: Fine. All right.
Sequoia: H… “This bracelet, however…”
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: “…is a real love bracelet.” It's not a dark bracelet.
Kim: Not a… I would not fuckin’ trust him.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Right? He’s definitely giving you a soul sucking bracelet, Ginny.
Sequoia: Ginny.
Kim: Ginny.
Sequoia: How did yourself to this place?
Kim: It’s like, my family started this terrible tradition with this terrible device. And now I'm gonna continue it.
Sequoia: Here it is.
Kim: [singing] In the name of love! [normal voice] Fine.
Sequoia: Draco told her, pulling a fairly small golden bracelet and a silver key out of the velvet pouch.
Kim: Nope. He's gonna lock it on there and it's gonna steal her soul.
Sequoia: [singing] It’s gonna steal your soul.
Kim: I would want some like… some like… you wear it first, Draco. [Sequoia laughs] Fuck you. You put it on.
Sequoia: But this… she's in love. This is about trust.
Kim: Bye, soul.
Sequoia: The bracelet had a hinge on one side and a screw on the other, holding it together. It also had small carvings made to look like a screw just every so often. The key was…
Kim: This sounds really attractive.
Sequoia: Yeah, it sounds really fucking ugly. The key was small and had a hole in the top that was almost like a tiny screwdriver.
Kim: Yeah, this sounds hot.
Sequoia: Just like...
Kim: I want to wear that.
Sequoia: It sounds really complicated to put on and to remove.
Kim: You gotta figure out which screw is the…
Sequoia: Wait where’s the screw?
Kim: Take your screwdriver.
Sequoia: Which is the… Jesus.
Kim: Oh no, this is a hex.
Sequoia: Oh what a… I lost my…
Kim: I wanted a Phillips.
Sequoia: I lost my screwdriver key.
Kim: Oh. Gotta go back to IKEA. [Sequoia laughs] Get the right… allen wrench.
Sequoia: The key. [laughs]
Kim: Is this metric or imperial? [both laugh]
Sequoia: “You can take it off if you want to. I hope you don't, but you can.”
Kim: Oh, all right. That’s fine, then.
Sequoia: So she can take it on and off. He took the key and placed it on the slot of the screw and twisted. After a few…
Kim: Oh Draco, you shouldn’t have. This is so nice.
Sequoia: You should… thank you so much.
Kim: Ginny didn't say yes, please put on this soul sucking bracelet, by the way.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: He just put it on her.
Sequoia: He said, you can take it off if you want to. Which implies I'm going to put this on you.
Kim: Right now.
Sequoia: But like, if you want to take it off, that's cool. After a few twists, he opened his right palm, holding the key with his thumb and forefinger, and turned the bracelet upside down, letting the itty bitty screw fall into his awaiting hand. He tugged on the bracelet and the two lovers heard a snap.
Kim: This is riveting.
Sequoia: This is literally…
Kim: That was a pun, did you hear it?
Sequoia: No, this is…
Kim: Did you hear my PUN?!
Sequoia: Oh no, I'm sorry. I didn't notice it because I have a pun filter. It filters out puns. But that was actually really good.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: That was really good. I'm sorry that I filtered it out. It's just an automatic... It's an auto thing.
Kim: Maybe someone appre… if you appreciated that, let me know.
Sequoia: Tweet at us.
Kim: [laughs] [high pitched] I appreciate your puns!
Sequoia: I keep asking and no one ever does. But I… it's about to continue.
Kim: About to…
Sequoia: It’s just they keep describing how to put the bracelet on.
Kim: Because it’s like a series of screws.
Sequoia: This is a really complicated bracelet. Like, you can take it off if you want to, but only if you can figure out how to get it off.
Kim: You must pass these trials.
Sequoia: [laughs] Ginny held out her left arm, as it seemed right to do so. Draco placed…
Kim: Uh huh. Her left seemed right.
Sequoia: She’s like, eh, is it? Eh.
Kim: [quietly] Left seemed right.
Sequoia: If I'm never gonna be able to fucking get this off again, which… which wrist would I like it on?
Kim: Which wrist?
Sequoia: If I’m gonna lose my soul…
Kim: Do I not mind… do I not mind cutting my hand off so I can remove this soul sucking bracelet?
Sequoia: Yeah, gotta… if you're a righty, you got to keep the right.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And then just...
Kim: Left seems right!
Sequoia: Just hack it on off. [both laugh] Draco placed the open bracelet against her skin and made sure that when he closed it, it wouldn't pinch her.
Kim: That's so thoughtful.
Sequoia: That’s very considerate. He snapped it shut and looked for a moment like he had decided not to screw it together. But Ginny kept her arm stretched out at him, silently telling him to do so.
Kim: Maybe I shouldn't put on this…
Both: …soul sucking bracelet.
Sequoia: This dark bracelet, as it were.
Kim: Ginny’s into it, though.
Sequoia: Yeah. When he was through, he took the thin gold chain from around his neck, which held his initials, and unfastened it to place the key on it as well. Wait, he gets to keep the key?
Kim: How is she supposed to take it off if he's got the screwdriver key?
Sequoia: You can’t say that you can take it off whenever you want, and then make it the most complicated thing to take on and off, and then take the key!
Kim: Um, also, Draco wears a necklace with his initials on it.
Sequoia: [laughs] With his own initials on it.
Kim: Yes, that sounds… that actually sounds correct. I can see that. Draco's little Draco necklace. Do you think it's really, like, enormous and blingy? It’s huge.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's covered in diamonds. [both laugh] Oh man. “I love you Draco,” Ginny sighed as she hugged him as he put the chain around his neck and slid it under his robes. Yeah, he wears it. It's his. “I love you more, Red.”
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: That's stupid.
Sequoia: [laughs] Draco said, as he kissed on the top of her head.
Kim: She didn't have a nickname for him.
Sequoia: No, she di...
Kim: She didn’t call him…
Sequoia: Drakey poo? [Kim makes heaving noises] [both laugh] After the slightly mushy part was over. Ginny started to giggle.
Kim: Oh. Slightly mushy part. That was slightly mushy.
Sequoia: It was slightly mushy. Here, let me tell you my… my family's stories of…
Kim: Torture and dark magic?
Sequoia: Torture and dark magic.
Sequoia: Oh, so mushy. Thank you. “What, did I mess up my hair?” “No, it's just that story you just told. Frederick Weasley was in love with Georgina and had a son named Ronald? And three of my brothers are named Fred, George and Ron. Plus a Lucifer and Damian?” Ginny laughed.
Kim: Ginny thinks this is hilarious.
Sequoia: It is hilarious.
Kim: This story that he’s chosen to tell her. I don't know, I'm pretty sure that’s… I would be terrified. [Sequoia laughs] Like, this is the story you've chosen to tell me, right now.
Sequoia: Yeah. Why don’t you just keep that one to yourself? [Kim laughs] “That is a bit funny,” Draco chuckled as he thought about it. “Have you read that Muggle play Romeo and Juliet in your Muggle Studies yet?”
Kim: Who's taking Muggle Studies?
Sequoia: Draco.
Kim: No he's not. No he’s not.
Sequoia: Yeah, he is.
Kim: I don't believe you.
Sequoia: Yep he's taking [singing] Muggle Studies.
Kim: [singing] No he’s not.
Sequoia: [singing] He loves Muggles. “We are the Hogwarts Romeo and Juliet.”
Kim: What? Why would you…
Sequoia: “Two different houses really opposite of each other. You ice, I fire.” [both laugh] You know? You know? “And our families have been feuding for centuries,” Ginny said. She leaned into him. “But soft. What light through yonder window… yonder window break? It tis the east, and Ginny is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief…”
Kim: Aaaaaaarrrgghhhhhh.
Sequoia: “…that thou, her maid, are far more fair than she.”
Kim: Aaarrrrghh. Why does it keep going?
Sequoia: I don't know. It was enough to… you could have… they could have stopped after “Ginny is the sun.” And yet… Draco recited, waving his hand in the air in some attempt to look good at the part. Can you guess what she's about to say?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Guess it.
Kim: I won’t.
Sequoia: Guess it.
Kim: I refuse.
Sequoia: “Draco, Draco, wherefore art thou Draco?” [shifting noises] No, don’t leave! Wait, don’t leave. [laughing] No don’t leave!
Kim: I keep threatening to leave. This is the day. This is the day I actually leave. Can’t do this.
Sequoia: “The only other thing I can remember is, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,”” Draco told her in slight embarrassment. Ginny laughed and brushed a stray lock of hair out of his eyes. The End.
Kim: [mouth noises] Man, I hate Romeo and Juliet. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, Romeo and Juliet is used a lot. So all of your predictions were wrong.
Kim: Fuck. That's okay. [laughs] That was good. What did I predict the bracelet would be? It falls off when you find the person you love.
Sequoia: It falls off when you...
Kim: I thought… I don’t know. I thought that having a bracelet that you put on the person you wanna whatever was too obvious.
Sequoia: Obvious?
Kim: But I should have just gone with that, because…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Obvious is... [sigh] maybe I’ll write a Harry/Neville story with the bracelet idea I just came up with.
Sequoia: You should. You should do it. You should totally do it.
Kim: What if i admit to our fans that Harry/Neville is my new [both laugh] favorite ship.
Sequoia: You gotta, yeah. You gotta…
Kim: Here it is, fans.
Sequoia: You gotta let people know…
Kim: Listeners.
Sequoia: …your weird stuff.
Kim: Listeners, I love Harry/Neville.
Sequoia: Cool!
Kim: So I guess we only did two today.
Sequoia: Yeah, we only did two.
Kim: I babbled too much.
Sequoia: There was... that was less than… that was like fifteen hundred words [Kim laughs] worth of stuff.
Kim: I had a lot of stuff to say. I had a lot of little thoughts.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: About…
Sequoia: We talked a lot about the…
Kim: Deer? [laughs]
Sequoia: About the deer. Like, too much. Too much.
Kim: Well, if it ends up being too short we can always come back and grab another one.
Sequoia: Or we could just have a short one.
Kim: Oh? Give our listeners a break? Instead of lots of hour long episodes, when we’d originally planned to do forty five minute ones?
Sequoia: This... yeah. This podcast is supposed to be forty five minutes long, so I think that maybe we just achieved the thing we’ve been wanting to achieve and it just feels weird. It just feels wrong. [both laugh]
Kim: [singing] This is weird. Well, anyway.
Sequoia: [singing] This is how we do it.
Kim: Um, no. Thanks for listening to…
Sequoia: Thank you.
Kim: To this weird thing. Thanks for listening to me get zero points today.
Sequoia: Ah yes, finally.
Kim: [laughs] You thwarted me.
Sequoia: I have… I think I’ve already thwarted you once before.
Kim: Probs.
Sequoia: But you know.
Kim: Probs.
Sequoia: Feels good every time.
Kim: Ah.
Sequoia: Um.
Kim: Shut out.
Sequoia: Shut up.
Kim: If you did better than me, let us know.
Sequoia: We really, really would like to know.
Kim: Yeah. I wanna know how you guys are doing.
Sequoia: [deep voice] How you doin’?
Kim: No, not like that.
Sequoia: No, please not like that.
Kim: So if you wanna get in contact with us, we have social media.
Sequoia: Yeah, our Twitter, Instagram and Facebooks can be found @FanaticalFics.
Kim: Uh huh. You can also shoot us an email if you’re interested in letting us… just letting us know about some thoughts that you have. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, just let loose.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That’s what we do.
Kim: [laughs] You get to listen to the garbage we say. We wanna listen to your garbage. Shoot us an email at fanaticalfics@gmail.com. We also have a submission form if you have a story that you think we need to see.
Sequoia: I would really, really, really, really love it if we got anyone to submit something they wrote.
Kim: But if you are gonna submit us something you wrote, send us an email.
Sequoia: Yes. Because we want to know… we want to know who you are.
Kim: Yeah, ‘cause we’ll be in touch.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Probably. But if you are… if you… if you like fanfiction, you read a lot of fanfiction, and you see something that you think we need to see, I want to see it.
Sequoia: [singing] I wanna see it.
Kim: You can even submit stuff that, like, we can’t use for the podcast because of our time restriction.
Sequoia: Yeah, something that’s like chapters chapters long.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Or something.
Kim: Yeah send us anything, I like reading fanfiction.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I guess. I have Stockholm Syndrome about reading this fanfiction. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I’ve always liked reading fanfiction, so…
Kim: Send us some.
Sequoia: …here we are, yeah.
Kim: Yep. The link to the form will be in the description for this episode. Oh! Fuck! Rec.
Sequoia: Yes, so we have to do a recommendation. Almost forgot to do a recommendation, because it’s just the same one that I recommended the last time we tried to do this episode. So it’s called A Matter of Great Importance.
Kim: And last time you rec’d this in our failed seven you were a little hesitant. You wanna tell them why you were a little hesitant?
Sequoia: I feel weird that I like this. I don’t know, I feel like I’m revealing too much about me.
Kim: Yesss. So I still haven’t read it since when we recorded, so tell us a little bit about it.
Sequoia: It’s Hermione/Draco.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Which we haven’t even…
Kim: I thought…
Sequoia: We haven’t even read one on the podcast.
Kim: Dramione.
Sequoia: And Dramione is... I just… I don’t know. I don’t know. I ca… I don’t know.
Kim: Yep, yep. So, if you wanna read the kind of Dramione that Sequoia likes, that link will be in the description.
Sequoia: I’m so scared.
Kim: [laughs] I’m gonna read it. And also, if you have been reading our recommendations maybe get in touch and tell us if you liked them too, if you’re enjoying them.
Sequoia: Yeah, because we’d like to know if... if anyone is reading them. And you should be if you haven’t yet and you just like have some down time.
Kim: Some of them have been really fun and some of them have been my recommendations. [both laugh]
Sequoia: No, I really liked some… I’ve really liked your recommendations.
Kim: If you’d like to see us recommend anything in particular, I have a pretty long list at this point going, of things that I’m enjoying. If you’re looking for anything, let us know.
Sequoia: Yeah. Be like, hey, next time Kim talks I wanna hear what she thinks about what her favorite Harry/Neville is, because…
Kim: I got one!
Sequoia: …she will give you that.
Kim: I got one!
Sequoia: I already got it. [both laugh]
Kim: Also if you have, like, any questions for us, just like general Harry Potter questions, send them to us and maybe we’ll do like a question episode.
Sequoia: Yeah, that would be fun.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I love Harry Potter.
Kim: Yeah. I can answer your questions about… whatever.
Sequoia: Tweet them at us. [both laugh] I think if I just say tweet at us at least seven times an episode forever…
Kim: Tweet at us.
Sequoia: …like, one day one person will tweet at us.
Kim: We’ll get a tweet. We’ve gotten a couple of tweets.
Sequoia: Yeah. We’ve gotten a couple of tweets. Thanks.
Kim: To people who’ve tweeted at us.
Sequoia: To the two people who have tweeted at us.
Kim: Tweet tweet tweet.
Sequoia: [singing the intro to Rockin’ Robin] Twiddly diddly dee!
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Twiddly diddly dee!
Kim: Is that all the plugs we need to do? Oh, do we need to plug the P… no. We already plugged the Patreon.
Sequoia: Did we? Yeah.
Kim: If you... if you like our content and want to support us with money, we have a Patreon. [Sequoia mumbles wordlessly] Jesus.
Sequoia: Cool.
Kim: Our thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song. It’s their amazing song Wolfstar.
Sequoia: Bye!
Kim: Byee!