Episode 27: The First Anniversary Special: An HP Tabletop Role-play Adventure
If you are new to the podcast DON’T START HERE. This episode will take a completely different form than our usual episodes. For those of you who are ready for another week of crazy fan fics… that’s not what we’re doing today. But we hope you like what we’ve got for you for our anniversary!
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Abbey
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
Kim: Hello listeners!
Sequoia: Yellup!
Kim: It’s our anniversary episode.
Sequoia: We’re ooooold!
Kim: And for our first anniversary we thought it would be really fun to kind of take the podcast in a different direction.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We’ve been thinking that what we might do… what we’re gonna do is we’re gonna be deconstructing the Harry Potter books line by line, but what we’re gonna be doing is we’re gonna take the first…. and then… the first word, and then the second word we’re gonna translate into High Valyrian. [Colin laughs] The fifth word we’re gonna…
Sequoia: What is that?
Colin: [laughing] Oh dear listener and dear Fanatical Fics crew. Hahahahaha!
Sequoia: Oh, god. [Colin laughs evilly] Who are you?
Colin: You’re in my domain! The Dungeon Master! Hahahahaha!
Sequoia: Nooooo!
Kim: That’s right. I was kidding.
Sequoia: Yeah. we’re definitely not translating anything into High Valyrian.
Kim: So what we’re really gonna be doing is we’ve brought Colin back. Our good friend Colin. And he’s gonna be leading us in a Harry Potter role playing game.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Today. We thought we’d give ourselves a present for our anniversary.
Sequoia: It’s for us. It’s not for you.
Kim: [laughs] So Colin’s gonna be leading us as our Game Master, and we’ve grabbed a couple of friends to join us.
Sequoia: Yeah, we’ve got the wonderful, fabulous Lexi.
Lexi: Hello!
Kim: And I’ve grabbed my game partner and life partner, ‘cause he was upstairs, Ryan.
Ryan: Hi, I was upstairs.
Sequoia: Good.
Ryan: Now I’m downstairs.
Sequoia: Good. Good confirmation. Thank you for that. Thank you.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Cool.
Kim: So we’re gonna be doing a Harry Potter role playing game today. So it’s gonna be… we’re gonna be presenting this to you pretty much live and unedited.
Sequoia: Yup.
Kim: If you like it, that’s great. If you don’t, you don’t have to listen to it.
Sequoia: It’s gonna be long, folks. Strap in.
Kim: We’re gonna… strap in for the long haul, all right?
Colin: Strap it in. Strap it on. Let’s… let’s have some fun.
Sequoia: Goddamnit! I am not editing this! [everyone laughs]
Kim: So we’re gonna be playing this Harry Potter roleplaying game in the Fate system, kind of trending more towards the Fate Accelerated system. If you’re not super familiar with it, it’s kind of a plug and play role playing base that you can kind of put any, like, world into. It’s based around aspects both character and world, so everyone’s got some, like, basic things about them and you can invoke those for your advantage, or they can be invoked against you for your disadvantage. And we’ve all got some skills as well. So we’re gonna be kinda just jammin’ today.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: We’re not all super familiar with the rules, so we’re gonna…
Sequoia: First time playing.
Kim: We are gonna be playing a little fast and loose.
Colin: Yeah, it’s my…
Sequoia: Woooo!
Kim: And we’re not sorry.
Colin: It’s my first time GMing this game too, so it’s gonna be fun.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We’re gonna just kind of let it flow… out of us.
Lexi: Yeahhh.
Sequoia: Okay. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Out of our bodies and into your earholes. [Sequoia groans]
Lexi: Ew.
Kim: Exactly. So…
Sequoia: Maybe I should edit this.
Lexi: I’m really excited to be here for this.
Kim: Yeah!
Lexi: For this stuff.
Ryan: Me too.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Lexi: Flowin’ out of our bodies.
Kim: Okay. [everyone laughs] Oh, man.
Sequoia: I don’t… so weird story. We just kicked Lexi out of the group. [everybody laughs]
Lexi: Shit.
Sequoia: Whoops.
Kim: Yeah, she’s gonna be good.
Colin: So why don’t we have everybody introduce their real selves and also their character. First. Or…
Kim: Cool.
Colin: Or do we wanna go through the rules so they know what’s happening?
Sequoia: Nah.
Kim: I mean, so we’re gonna be rolling some dice to do some checks. We’ve all got some skills. We’ve got some stuff. I mean…
Lexi: We’re…
Sequoia: You guys just… you’re along for the ride with us, man, you know?
Colin: Yeah.
Sequoia: And we… we…
Kim: We’re gonna do our best.
Sequoia: We’re gonna do our little best.
Colin: Fate is a pretty simple open ended system so I don’t think that you guys need to really know…
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: …too much about the rules to get what’s happening. It’s just, high rolls are better. You are rolling four dice. The best roll you can get is a plus four, so it’s not like a twenty sided dice you… you’re used to. if you’ve played other RPGs. This one is pretty easy. It’s also very player driven, so I’m hoping, yeah, we’re just gonna have a good time and work together. Gonna yes and our way…
Ryan: Uh huh.
Colin: …to…
Sequoia: To the top.
Colin: Yeah, to the top. Have a really fun time.
Kim: Yep. So do you wanna start us off, Sequoia?
Sequoia: I will start us off. So today in our role playing game, I’m comin’ atcha with Blaise Zabini.
Kim: Blaise in the hooouse!
Sequoia: Pew pew pewwww!
Colin: Oh yeah, maybe we should also do pronouns for everyone’s character.
Sequoia: Right. My pronouns are she/her.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I’m going to be playing… my high concept is sexy, sassy, a Slytherin. [everyone laughs] My trouble here, folks, is that I just have to be the center of attention. [Kim laughs] We’ve each got some aspects. So my aspects are that currently I am the acting president of the Hogwarts Drama Club. [everyone laughs] I come from a very influential pureblood line of wizards and, you know, I kinda… I kinda drive away people, I guess, with, like, just, you know, my, like, incessant coolness, right? Good.
Kim: So those are her three aspects. And that’s cool. Cool.
Sequoia: Cool.
Colin: Cool, cool, cool.
Kim: I guess I’ll go next.
Colin: Cool, cool, cool.
Kim: I’m playing Sirius Black.
Sequoia: Woohoo!
Kim: So my high concept is, I am the magically de-aged Marauder. I’ve been de-aged to fifteen for REASONS. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Romantic reasons.
Lexi: Oh no.
Kim: Sirius assumes it’s for romantic reasons, but you know.
Colin: Oh, okay. Okay.
Kim: To be confirmed or denied at some point. [everyone laughs]
Colin: [laughing] Okay.
Kim: Or not. My trouble is that I am wanted by the Ministry of Magic.
Sequoia: Valid.
Lexi: Yeah.
Kim: My aspects… I’m a prankster. You know, like to pull pranks.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: I’m almost as cool as I think I am. But not quite. And the last one is, I’ve got a short fuse. So kinda quick to act, quick to react and… you know, that kind of thing. I did want to say… so Sirius has been magically de-aged, and that’s… part of that is that he’s lost all of his memories. So he’s fifteen. He’s got the memories he had when he was fifteen. And yeah. [everyone laughs] The Order’s… the Order’s… the Order of the Phoenix has kinda filled him on on what’s been going on, but he’s not super clear on it. He’s at Hogwarts because he thinks he’s got to find his true love.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: He thinks Remus is old and gross now so… [Sequoia laughs] not into that.
Lexi: So sad!
Kim: Also Remus wasn’t into the fifteen year old, so…
Sequoia: Good. Good.
Kim: He’s at Hogwarts to find a nice hot fifteen year old to touch his lips to.
Colin: Oh. Oh boy.
Sequoia: Oh. Okay. Great.
Colin: Why did you have to say it like that?
Sequoia: Oh good.
Lexi: Good god.
Kim: What up! That’s it. That’s what I got.
Lexi: Okay. Well. Okay, my character is Luna Lovegood. Luna. Yes. And everyone else is fifth year but I’m gonna be fourth year. So my high concept aspect is, Luna Lovegood but extra fuckin’ weird. [everyone laughs] So that’s me today. My trouble is that I’m just really easily distracted, you know? I go off and look for magical creatures. Typical Luna stuff. I go with the flow all the time, so that’s kind of why I’m in this group of people that I am in. What? And I have uncanny knowledge of random shit. So. [everyone laughs] Hello!
Ryan: All right. Well, I’m playing a real home brewed character. I’m the American exchange student.
Sequoia: Yes!
Ryan: My name is Richard Cheney but my friends call me Dickie.
Colin: Oh boy. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: So Dickie, Richard. Any one is fine. My trouble is that I have some anti authority tendencies, which is why I got expelled from my school in America. And there’s only one magical school in America, so I had to go across the ocean to Hogwarts. That’s what brought me here. [everyone laughs] So naturally I’m a little homesick. You know, it’s… this is a strange foreign land to me, full of strange foreign people and I’m kind of a pyromaniac.
Colin: Very nice.
Ryan: Also related to my expulsion.
Colin: Yes. And for those of you playing along at home, the aspects and trouble are… unlike your traditional role playing game, every character has something about them that is a flaw or will get them into trouble since this is a little more narrative based and our players are not invincible gods. But they are interesting people who we are… hope to put in a bunch of compromising and funny situations. So those aspects are going to come into play throughout the game.
Sequoia: Woohoo! I’m excited!
Ryan: Yeah. Let’s get into this.
Sequoia: Let’s do it.
Kim: Yeah.
Ryan: Yeah.
Sequoia: Let’s go.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: All right, players.
Sequoia: [nasal voice] “Yeees?”
Kim: [deep bro voice] “What up?” [everyone laughs]
Lexi: Oh no.
Colin: Come with me, if you will, on a journey of the mind.
Sequoia: [laughing] Shit.
Ryan: Oh no. [everyone laughs] If I have to.
Colin: Imagine our beloved Hogwarts castle at Christmas time. The gray light glinting off the sunroofs, snow gently fluttering from the sky, and smoke coming up in homely meandering trails from the school’s many chimneys.
Ryan: Oh, it’s beautiful.
Sequoia: Fuck.
Colin: In the distance, as if from the owl’s point of view, you can see the twinkling lights from Hogsmeade’s snug cottages just barely visible on the horizon. And that brings us to you, my group of players, who have been abandoned at the castle by your respective horrible families. [everyone laughs] All for reasons of your own. And you find yourselves not only in that dismal situation, but you find yourselves on the… that most rare of punishments, the over Christmas detention. As it would happen, [everyone laughs] your… the Hogwarts Drama… Drama Club’s production of Fiddler was so unintentionally racist that you are now at… at the very gates… the very maw, just as the sun is going down, of the Forbidden Forest. As... [everyone laughs]
Kim: Nooo.
Sequoia: Yesss!
Ryan: It’s that kinda detention! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh no!
Colin: As Professor Snape, ever the loner, has a quest for you. [Sequoia gasps]
Kim: [laughs] A detention quest?
Colin: A detention quest, yeah.
Kim: Great.
Colin: Yeah. [everyone laughs] [clears throat] So Snape, his breath hanging on the cold air, says to you, [deep, nasal voice] “Now students.” [Sequoia tries not to laugh] [pause] [everyone laughs]
Ryan: No, that was good. Keep going.
Colin: Was it?
Sequoia: It was good.
Kim: You’re doing good.
Colin: Mr. Pottah… there we go. “As a punishment for your disgrace of the theater. For your disgraceful acts on the stage, I need you to go into the Forbidden Forest and find for my potions ingredients some rainbow unicorn poop.”
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Great.
Ryan: So it’s at least, like, daytime, right? Can we see stuff or is it… is it dusk? Is it scary?
Kim: It’s snowing, and the sunlight… the gray sunlight’s glinting off the castle.
Ryan: Oh.
Sequoia: Yeah, there were some… some homely smoke rings or something.
Ryan: Okay. ‘Cause that Forest I imagine gets pretty spooky at night. Don’t wanna be there.
Sequoia: Mmm.
Ryan: Okay.
Colin: Yeah. It’s… it’s dusk.
Ryan: Okay.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Colin: So Snape has instructed you to walk on the trail, and there’s been unicorn sightings. They’ve seen… there’s been foot… footprints along the paths. Yes. But he just needs you to go get that unicorn scat for the potions closet. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: I think I’m gonna go ahead and get into trouble immediately.
Sequoia: Oh good.
Lexi: Go for it.
Kim: And say, “Now look here, you greasy bastard! I don’t have to listen to you.”
Colin: Okay. Does Snape know that you’re Sirius?
Kim: Uhhh.
Ryan: I’m assuming no, but maybe yes, right?
Sequoia: I… yeahhh.
Kim: Yeah, he would.
Sequoia: Yeah, ’cause he’s in the Order.
Ryan: Oh.
Kim: He’s in the Order, yeah. The Order sent me here because I was causing trouble at home.
Ryan: Ohhh.
Colin: Oh my god. Okay.
Kim: Soooo.
Sequoia: Lol.
Kim: Or is it funnier if he doesn’t know? I don’t know. What do you think?
Colin: “Now listen here, Mr. Black. You aged down, it would…”
Kim: “It’s uh… it’s Gray. My name’s Gray. I’m not… no one here’s Black.”
Colin: “Oh, okay. Mr. Gray. New student at Hogwarts. Um.” [laughs]
Sequoia: “Excuse me, Professorrrr.”
Colin: “Yes.”
Sequoia: “I would like to be dismissed from this detention because I…”
Colin: “None of you…”
Sequoia: “…would just like to point out… Excuse me, sir. I would just like to point out…”
Colin: “None of you…”
Sequoia: “…that my portrayal of Yentel was, like, legendary. Like, legendary.” [everyone laughs]
Kim: [laughing] Oh no.
Colin: “That’s…. that’s not what the papers seem to think, Miss Zabini. Nor…”
Sequoia: “The papers are against me!”
Colin: “…the local chapter of the Anti-Defamation League. So, as a punishment for your crimes against the noble art of theater, you must go into the Forest, and I suggest you make haste, as the sun is going down.”
Sequoia: Oh shit.
Kim: Ughhh.
Ryan: My anti-authority tendencies are [everyone laughs] really kicking in now and I have a jinx I’d like to cast on…
Kim: Oh god.
Ryan: …Snape’s…
Sequoia: Agh! Agh!
Lexi: Oh man.
Ryan: “…fingers.”
Sequoia: “Uhh, exchange student… exchange stu… I don’t know what… I don’t know what your name is. Could you not, though?”
Ryan: “Oh, my name’s Dickie.”
Sequoia: “If you could not… oh, great, great.”
Ryan: “A little… little Dickie.”
Sequoia: “That’s a horrible name. Could you not, though?”
Kim: So… so let’s… what do you… okay, what do you… what do you do? [Colin laughs]
Ryan: So I wonder… in America…
Colin: Oh Dickie, what are you doing?
Ryan: “You guys have probably never heard of it, but I’m from America.” [Kim snorts]
Lexi: Oh.
Ryan: “I learned a spell that makes things kinda squishy and flaccid.”
Kim: Oh Jesus.
Ryan: “And I’d like to make all of Professor Snape’s fingers flaccid. Squishy fingers.”
Colin: Okay.
Sequoia: Are we allowed to just vote him down?
Kim: No.
Lexi: Nope. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: I’m doing it. I’m rolling.
Sequoia: [laughing] Damnit!
Kim: I mean, Sequoia could try to… you could try to oppose him.
Ryan: Oh.
Colin: Yeah. Yeah, you could do that.
Sequoia: Uhhh no.
Ryan: I’ve already rolled. [dice roll]
Sequoia: That’s a lot of effort.
Kim: What d’you get?
Ryan: A zero. A net zero.
Colin: Okay.
Ryan: How did that go for me? [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: That’s a minus one.
Colin: You… you swish and flick your wand, but Snape doesn’t notice what you’re doing.
Lexi: That’s a minus…
Kim: Oh.
Ryan: Zero. Zero.
Lexi: Minus one.
Kim: Plus zer… plus your skills.
Kim: Wait, Ryan, what d’you actually…? You got a… that’s plus your skill in jinxes.
Ryan: Oh! Plus four.
Colin: Okay. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Minus one… wait, what do you have on jinxes?
Ryan: Don’t know. Zero zero plus one, minus one, right?
Kim: Oh yeah.
Ryan: Yeah.
Kim: No, those are… four’s a zero as well.
Ryan: Ohhhh! Okay, so a net…
Kim: You got a three.
Ryan: Net plus three.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Ryan: Final answer. [Sequoia snorts]
Colin: Okay. A plus three. Well, your jinx has no effect on the very powerful Professor wizard, but he glares at you and says, “That’s double detention, Mr. Cheney.”
Ryan: “No!”
Colin: “Double detention. I’m going to want double the poop from you.”
Ryan: “Nooo!”
Lexi: Oh no.
Ryan: All right.
Colin: “Don’t just try to substitute it with some other kind of poop, because everyone knows that unicorn poop is interwoven with crystalline rainbow.”
Lexi: Great.
Ryan: Shoot.
Sequoia: Oh shit.
Kim: “Know what, Snape? I can’t even look at your ugly face any more.” I’m gonna stomp off into the Forest.
Colin: All right. you…
Sequoia: I’m…
Colin: You do so. Snape knows he’s ugly, so he’s not too offended at that remark. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, I’m gonna also follow. I’m gonna follow into the Forest.
Lexi: Luna’s already off on her own. She’s… [everyone laughs]
Kim: She already… you already took off.
Colin: All right.
Lexi: She found some sparkly poop to follow, so she’s… she’s going.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Great.
Colin: Luna is some ways ahead on the trail as… as Blaise and Sirius follow behind.
Ryan: I guess I’ll go too.
Colin: Okay, good. Yes, you go in the Forest. Everyone’s in the Forest. [everyone laughs] As the trees start to close in on you, as the light gets dimmer and dimmer, you… you… you begin to pick up a trail. It looks like hoof prints but you’re not sure.
Kim: Mmm. Um.
Sequoia: Ca… uh.
Kim: No, not me.
Sequoia: Luna.
Lexi: I would like to notice… use my notice ability. Skill.
Kim: Go ahead and roll for that.
Lexi: Okay.
Kim: That is a … two? Six?
Lexi: Yes, that’s a six.
Kim: Six. Which is fantastic.
Colin: Yes.
Lexi: Fantastic!
Kim: In the Fate ladder.
Colin: You pick up immediately on the trail. Since you happen to be a subscriber to Unicorns Quarterly, you recognise the trail…. [everyone laughs]
Lexi: Yes.
Colin: …immediately. And you begin following it just off of the main path, deeper, deeper into the darker portions of the woods.
Sequoia: I don’t wanna leave the path.
Colin: Is everyone following? Is ever… does everyone…?
Ryan: I g… I guess.
Sequoia: Fine.
Ryan: I’m going along.
Lexi: Let’s go, everyone.
Colin: Yeah? Everyone going along?
Sequoia: “I’m not gonna stay alone on the path by myself.”
Kim: Yeah, this path’s fine. [everyone laughs] I dunno ‘bout this weird chick leading us, but whatever.
Colin: [laughs] Okay.
Kim: “I’ve been in the Forest before. I mean, I haven’t been in the Forest before.”
Ryan: “Wait, who…?”
Kim: “There’s no reason for me to have been in the Forest before, so I haven’t.” [everyone laughs]
Ryan: So other than having been in this terrible play together, how do we know each other? Like, do we know each other well? Do I know your names?
Kim: Yeah, we’re all…
Ryan: We’re buds?
Kim: So we’re… the three… everyone but Luna is a student in the same year. We’ve had some classes together. I’ve been around like a couple months at this point, I would say.
Lexi: Probably.
Ryan: So I know you well enough to know that it’s weird that Snape called you Mr. Black.
Kim: “He just forgot my name.”
Ryan: Can I… well, I kinda wanna follow up on that. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Fine.
Ryan: “What’s up with… why did he call you that, pal? Buddy? Cyril?”
Kim: “I mean, it’s similar to my last name.”
Ryan: “Not really.”
Kim: “Yeah.”
Ryan: “Nah.”
Kim: “You know? Black, gray. They’re similar colors.”
Ryan: “Well, they’re both colors, but…”
Kim: “He doesn’t even… you know, he doesn’t even like me. He probably just forgot.”
Ryan: “Okay.”
Kim: I’m gonna… should I roll for that?
Ryan: I think a roll is in order.
Kim: Colin?
Ryan: ‘Cause I’m sceptical.
Colin: Yeah, are you trying to lie? Yes.
Kim: Are you trying…? So…
Ryan: “Well, Snape also said something about being de-aged.”
Kim: “No, no one said anything.”
Ryan: “And then he called you Mr. Black. I’m…”
Kim: “No one said anything.”
Colin: Yeah.
Ryan: Well, look, I’ve got an investigate skill that I’d like to apply.
Lexi: You... that’s probably empathy.
Ryan: Oh, I don’t have any empathy. I’m gonna roll anyway.
Kim: ‘Kay. I’ll roll too.
Ryan: “What’s your story, sir?” [dice rattle]
Kim: I’m rolling rapport, I guess.
Ryan: I got a plus two.
Kim: I got… one, two, three… uh… four… six!
Ryan: Holy shit.
Colin: Well, Dick still has his suspicions about… about Gray, but I guess…
Kim: What? That’s… that’s a succeed with style, right? What’d you get?
Ryan: Two.
Kim: Two? Yeah, that’s a succeed with style, so…
Colin: Yeah.
Lexi: Oooooh.
Colin: So.
Ryan: So.
Colin: Dick is utterly convinced that there’s nothing at all suspicious about… [Kim laughs]
Ryan: Wow, well, the dice don’t lie.
Colin: …Cyril Gray’s situation.
Lexi: What!? [everyone laughs]
Ryan: [laughing] All righty. [everyone laughs] On we go, friends.
Sequoia: [laughing] W… w… what?
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Okay.
Colin: All right. You’re… you’re walking in the Forest as this… as … as this conversation is going on. And up ahead, just past the next thicket of… of gnarled vines and trees, you hear hoofbeats. Galumph.
Sequoia & Ryan: Oooh.
Colin: Gallop, gallop. Kerthump, kerthump, kerthump.
Ryan: Hey! I have a good…
Sequoia: Both of those were great.
Colin: Yeah. Good.
Ryan: …knowledge of magical creatures. Can I have a listen, see what those sound like? What are they?
Colin: Yes. Yes.
Lexi: Roll.
Kim: Roll?
Sequoia: Yes.
Ryan: Are they unicorns? Ooee! That’s a plus four.
Colin: And what skill were you using?
Ryan: Magical creatures. I figure I took a class in that back in America.
Colin: Nice. Magical creatures. So was that… was… so four’s your total.
Ryan: Yeah. Those sound like unicorns…
Kim: That’s great.
Ryan: …to anybody else?
Colin: It sounds very much like unicorn, but heavier.
Ryan: Oooh.
Sequoia: But heavier.
Colin: Yes.
Ryan: Fat unicorns?
Colin: It’s a larger and it sure sounds like a unicorn.
Kim: So you’re gonna go with…
Colin: It’s a four legged animal but it’s larger and it’s coming towards you.
Ryan: Oooh. Ooh, I’m gonna say to my friends, “It’s some big fat unicorns with big fat poops! We’re gonna be done with this task in no time!” [everyone laughs]
Colin: Poops for days! Poops for days and days.
Ryan: So much poop. Okay, so I run toward them.
Lexi: You… [everyone laughs]
Colin: You run towards the hoofbeats.
Kim: I don’t think we need to…
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Colin: Pushing your way through the thickets. And rearing up in front of you is a centaur.
Ryan: “Oh shit!”
Kim: Ahhh.
Colin: “Woooah, hello there, Hogwarts student.”
Ryan: “You’re…”
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Colin: “What the heck are you doing here?” [everyone laughs]
Kim: I guess I… we were following behind him. [everyone laughs]
Lexi: We must have been, yeah.
Kim: For whatever reason.
Sequoia: We were following him?
Kim: Were we following Ryan or not?
Lexi: Or Dick. Yes.
Sequoia: Oh, I guess. I don’t know why. Where did Luna go?
Colin: Well…
Lexi: “Bye!”
Ryan: She’s gone again.
Colin: You all see the centaur now. He’s pretty big.
Kim: Um, cool.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay.
Colin: “Hello.”
Kim: “What…?”
Colin: “I’m Tiberius the centaur.”
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: “What up.”
Colin: “How may I help you students? It’s late for young children such as yourselves to be out in the Forest.”
Ryan: “Tiberius, I have a weird question for you.”
Sequoia: Oh Jesus. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Just humor me.
Colin: “Lay it on me, man.”
Ryan: “What does your… what does your poop look like? [everyone laughs] Anything like a unicorn’s?”
Colin: “It’s like your standard horse poop.”
Ryan: “No… no… no rainbows? Oh, okay.”
Sequoia: “Okay.”
Colin: “No rainbows in my poop, good friends.”
Sequoia: “So here’s the thing. It’s getting really dark out here.”
Colin: “That’s true.”
Sequoia: “Which is like, no good, right? So if you could just point us in the direction of some unicorn poop for our Potions master that would be suuuper great.”
Colin: “Ah yes, the elusive unicorn poop. I believe we saw…”
Sequoia: Why’s it elusive? [everyone laughs]
Colin: “…a group of unicorns headed, I would say, north west, in a clearing just about half a mile from our current location. Is that able to help you on your quest?”
Ryan: “I don’t even have a compass. What direction is that? Can you point?”
Colin: He points. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: “Thanks.”
Colin: “That way. You should get back to the castle as soon as possible. There’s… I don’t mean to frighten you children, but there’s been some rumors of dark creatures in the Forest. Evil creatures. Shiny creatures.”
Ryan: Huh.
Colin: “Ones we’ve never seen before.”
Kim: Oh.
Colin: “Not native to our lands.”
Ryan: Spooky.
Colin: “Anyway, take care.” [Sequoia laughs]
Ryan: “Oh! Okay, bye! See you!”
Lexi: “Thank you.”
Sequoia: Oh, damnit.
Kim: “That was more straightforward than normal. I mean, I don’t know what centaurs are like.” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “Great. So the man horse said we should probably just go back towards the castle.”
Ryan: “Oh!”
Sequoia: “I mean…”
Kim: “I mean…”
Ryan: “I have a bet to settle with a… with a bud back in America. It… was the centaur wearing pants?” [everyone laughs]
Colin: You see him start to gallop away, but you notice, yes, he is wearing pants. [loud, lengthy laughter from everyone]
Ryan: Does he wear them like this or like this? [clunking as Ryan presumably demonstrates]
Colin: I think… [everyone laughs] I don’t know, he’s getting pretty far away now. Do you wanna roll for it?
Kim: Oh my…
Ryan: Yes, I sure do. Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: It’d be like a notice, I think.
Ryan: That didn’t go well. It’s a… I think that falls under magical creatures.
Colin: Mmm
Ryan: A plus two.
Colin: Yeah, I’ll allow it. [pause] [Sequoia laughs] He’s gettin’ away, what’d you get?
Ryan: A… a plus two.
Colin: Plus two.
Ryan: Yeah.
Colin: That’s okay. Just in the distance you make out the faint outline of a waistband encircling the entire lower… [everyone starts to laugh] portion of the horse part of the centaur. [laughter continues]
Ryan: [everyone else still laughing] “No frickin’ way! I owe a guy ten bucks!”
Lexi: No frickin’ way!
Ryan: Ten… ten wizard bucks. All right. [laughter continues]
Colin: Yeah. You realize…
Ryan: Let’s move on.
Colin: … that he is in fact wearing bathtub style pants.
Ryan: Bathtub style. I… that’s surprising.
Sequoia: Oh god.
Ryan: Welp.
Kim: Awesome.
Ryan: One thing down.
Sequoia: [laughing] One…
Kim: “So I think Snape sucks. What if we just, like, take this rock and make it kinda rainbow colored?” I’m holding a rock up.
Sequoia: “You really think he’s not gonna notice that?”
Kim: “He’s stupid. I hate him.”
Sequoia: Oh jeez. Oh, jeez. Luna?
Lexi: Luna is gathering things from the ground right now and she’s saying…
Sequoia: Just some things?
Lexi: Just some things. [everyone laughs] She says, “You know, it’s actually not that hard to track a unicorn.”
Kim: Oh.
Lexi: “If you just follow the trail.” [everyone laughs]
Ryan: “Well, I trust this one. She seems to know what she’s doing.”
Kim: Uhhh.
Sequoia: Ummm. Okay.
Lexi: “Of shiny glitter. You didn’t let me finish. Of shiny glitter… rocks.”
Kim: Hm.
Lexi: Yeah.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: Ummm.
Kim: Ummm.
Lexi: Can I roll for notice? For following a trail?
Colin: Sure.
Lexi: ‘Cause she sees… Luna sees some stuff up in the distance.
Colin: Yeah.
Lexi: And, like, towards the direction of where… Tiberius?
Kim: Mhm.
Colin: Tiberius the…
Lexi: Pointed.
Colin: …centaur.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: Jesus Christ.
Lexi: So she wants to continue.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: Just continue to…
Lexi: Just doing Luna stuff.
Kim: All right.
Lexi: Okay, I’m rolling. [dice roll] Oh, I didn’t do well.
Kim: Ohhh.
Ryan: Ooh.
Lexi: I did not do well. Hold on.
Kim: That’s a…
Ryan: That’s a minus two on the…
Lexi: But I still have a plus two.
Colin: Okay, that’s a zero.
Sequoia: That’s a zero? [laughs]
Lexi: So it’s a zero. No, no, no.
Kim: No.
Lexi: It’s a plus two, because I have a plus four.
Colin: Ohh!
Kim: In the skill.
Lexi: For notice.
Ryan: Ohh.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: Yup.
Colin: Okay, yes. You… you are able to make up in a… in a… you are able to make out the trail, and using Tiberius’s directions you’re… you’re able to find your way.
Kim: All right.
Lexi: Awesome.
Colin: So…
Kim: I’m still following along because I’m scared to be alone even though I don’t wanna admit it.
Sequoia: Me too. [Kim laughs]
Lexi: You’re both very similar in your characters.
Kim: “What?!”
Ryan: Well, I’m gonna…
Sequoia: “I’m nothing like that one!”
Ryan: …start just walking… walking toward that thing that the thing pointed to.
Kim: ‘Kay, so we’re all…
Ryan: Here we go.
Lexi: Awesome.
Kim: …heading in that direction.
Colin: You’re all going in the same direction. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. I’ve got the rock still and I’m gonna try to change its colors with a charm.
Colin: Okay, go for it.
Kim: [dice roll] Uhhhh. I have a plus two.
Colin: Oh, okay. It’s… it’s a… it’s a red rock now. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Nice. Going well.
Colin: You got one of the colors.
Kim: It’s going well over here.
Sequoia: Well.
Colin: Okay. So you are following the… the unicorn trail, and you see up ahead a misty clearing.
Ryan: Oooh.
Lexi: Hmmm.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Cleary misting.
Colin: A misty clearing in the trees. You figure that this is the clearing that Tiberius talked about where they saw the unicorns, so there’s a good chance that their poop will be there.
Kim: Nice.
Lexi: Mmm.
Ryan: I’m kind of scared to walk out, so I push Blaise. Like, I just shove her right out into the clearing. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: What the fuck, man? [more laughter]
Ryan: [grunts] Like, a good hard shove. I don’t know if I have to roll for that. It’s hard, though. Like real… really just getting some shoulder into it.
Colin: Well, seeing as how you’re just walking and Blaise wasn’t suspecting it, you shove her out into the clearing, and she makes a…
Sequoia: What the shit?!
Colin: …Blaise shaped hole in the mist.
Ryan: Oooop! Oooh! [everyone laughs]
Colin: Now she’s in the clearing. Blaise, you’re a… you’re a little confused. You are lost in the mist, you know you’re just a couple feet away from the trail, but ahead of you it is very dark and your vision is obscured. [pause] What do you wanna do about that?
Sequoia: [pause] I’d like to start singing Memory from Cats. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Okay. So you start singing. [more laughter]
Sequoia: Nooo that was a joke! I don’t wanna do that!
Ryan: Wait, that’s a good idea! We won’t lose each other in the mist if we’re singing show tunes. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh my god, yes!
Lexi: “Actually, music attracts unicorns, so I think we [everyone laughs] should do it.”
Sequoia: “Shut up, Luna!” [more laughter]
Kim: “You know what else attracts unicorns? Virgins.”
Sequoia: Oh my god. [everyone laughs]
Kim: I point and look at everyone but myself.
Sequoia: How would you point and look at yourself?
Kim: Everyone BUT myself! [more laughter]
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs] Do I… I don’t have to roll anything…
Kim: No, you just…
Sequoia: …to start singing Memory?
Colin: No, you just start singing Memory.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Colin: From Cats. And you begin to hear some sounds like footsteps in the mist ahead of you. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: [laughing] This is so insane. I hear the footsteps, but does everybody else hear them too?
Colin: No, just you, Blaise.
Sequoia: I’m just, like, on my fucking own now?
Colin: Yes, pretty much.
Sequoia: Thanks, Dickie!
Colin: I mean…
Ryan: Yeah, I’m not following you in there until you come back with my poop.
Sequoia: [laughing] Goddamnit.
Kim: I’m looking…
Colin: I mean, you’re still only a couple feet away from them, but the… the footsteps are very quiet.
Kim: Can we… can we hear her singing?
Colin: Oh yeah. You can definitely hear her singing. [Kim laughs]
Lexi: Awesome.
Kim: Good.
Colin: So… okay, that would be Blaise’s turn. What does the rest of the group want to do?
Kim: I’m looking at the ground around myself.
Colin: Okay, you’re looking at the ground. Great.
Kim: For poop!
Colin: For poop. Okay.
Kim: We’re near where the uniorns have been! I’m looking for poop!
Colin: That makes sense. For poop. You think you see what looks…
Kim: Not moving.
Colin: …a little bit like poop, but it turns out to be just a stick.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Great.
Lexi: I’m dancing. Into… in time with Memory.
Colin: Okay.
Lexi: In time with Blaise’s dan… singing. And hoping it’ll attract more unicorns. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] This is… this is not anything!
Kim: No, this is good. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Who’s left?
Kim: Ryan.
Colin: Dickie.
Ryan: I… I… I feel like this mist is kinda … you know, it’s, like, thicker and magicker than your average mist. Can I… I mean, can I like figure out if this is magic mist or is it just regular, like, post-rain stuff?
Colin: Now…
Ryan: I have, like, investigate. I mean, I wanna look closer into this mist. What’s going on there?
Colin: All right. Do so. Look into the mist.
[dice roll]
Kim: That’s a zer… that’s a minus two.
Ryan: Yeah, I got a net minus one, I didn’t do very well.
Colin: “Seems like normal mist to me!” you shout.
Ryan: Okay. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: God.
Ryan: That didn’t go anywhere. All right.
Sequoia: Very helpful.
Kim: Good. Good. That’s good. Well, I hear that. Can I run out into the mist, then? He says it seems normal.
Colin: Yep. Run… you run right out into the mist. In fact…
Kim: But like in a slightly different direction than Blaise.
Colin: Oh, okay. Yeah, you run past Blaise and you sort of veer off towards the edge of the clearing.
Kim: Good.
Colin: And lo and behold! What do you see before you?
Ryan: Poopy.
Sequoia: Unicorn.
Colin: A sparkly… rainbow [everyone gasps] pile on the ground.
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: I’m gonna… “Hey, I’ve found some!”
Colin: Okay. You shout to the rest. But as you appr… as you approach the poop, you… you hear footsteps behind you and then vwoomp! Rushing up right behind you to touch your shoulder. A slender hand touches you and says…
Kim: Ughhh!
Colin: [breathy voice] “Well, hello there.”
Sequoia: Agghhh!
Ryan: So none of us can…
Sequoia: That’s not okay.
Ryan: …see or hear this, right?
Kim: Oh, no. Okay.
Colin: No.
Sequoia: I’m assuming I can’t hear anything ‘cause I’m just, like, singing to myself. I’m assuming I have no idea what’s happening at all.
Colin: “What’s a…”
Kim: Is it… is it my turn? Am I reacting?
Colin: “What’s a handsome young man like yourself doing in the Forest? All alone at night?” And the hand caresses…
Kim: I…
Colin: …your neck a little bit.
Sequoia: Auuughghh.
Kim: Nice. I’m into this. [Sequoia laughs] “I am handsome. Thank you,” I reply. [everyone laughs] “Thank you for noticing.”
Lexi: [laughing] Jesus.
Sequoia: Oh my god. [everyone laughs]
Colin: “Little wizards like yourself better be careful, lest they run into some trouble out here.” And then the figure turns around to show himself before you.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: And he looks like a normal man around seventeen, eighteen.
Kim: Hot.
Colin: He’s wearing a black leather jacket and has cool slicked back hair.
Kim: Sirius is into this.
Colin: And he smiles. And as the moonlight glints off his teeth you see fangs.
Kim: Oooh.
Sequoia: Ooooh. Vamprrrrrs.
Kim: Ahhhhh.
Lexi: Vamprrrr.
Kim: Yeahhh!
Ryan: Would you say you’re Siriusly into this?
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Uh.
Kim: Yes. [everyone laughs]
Lexi: Good, good. Good. Good.
Kim: Actually, no.
Colin: As you see him come out into the moonlight, you notice his skin sparkles a little bit, something not entirely unlike the rainbow poop. He sparkles in the moonlight. [everyone laughs] And his pale gray eyes look at you, and you don’t know if they foretell danger or attraction.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: Mhm.
Kim: Um. [pause] I don’t know. I feel like… I feel like I’m into it.
Sequoia: I… [everyone laughs] I definitely also feel like you’re into it.
Lexi: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: So.
Kim: This is definitely a bad move. I’m into it.
Colin: Okay. [everyone laughs] All right.
Sequoia: What does that entail? What are you…?
Colin: What do you do?
Sequoia: What is the action in this?
Colin: Yeah, what do you do about this sexual shit?
Sequoia: Yeah! [laughs]
Kim: I… I’m going to attempt to seduce the vampire.
Sequoia: Yeeeeesss!
Colin: Okay.
Ryan: That’s gonna take a roll.
Colin: Give it a shot.
Sequoia: Yesssss!
Lexi: What are…?
Sequoia: What are you… what’s the skill?
Colin: What skill are you gonna use?
Lexi: Rapport?
Kim: I’m gonna use rapport.
Colin: Oh. Okay, you’re using vampire rapport. Got it.
Kim: Yeah. My…
Lexi: Specifically.
Kim: I’m really handsome, so I think that I’m gonna be like, “Hey, what’s a handsome dude like you doing out in the Forest? I’m also here.”
Sequoia: He literally just did that to you! [everyone laughs]
Kim: You know what? Throwing it back at him.
Sequoia: You can’t just take the same line and throw the same line back!
Kim: No, I’m gonna say, “Same to you, baby.”
Sequoia: Okay. All right.
Kim: There’s a roll. [dice roll]
Sequoia: Here it comes.
Colin: Okay, roll for seduction.
Kim: That is a minus one. I got a zero. [everyone laughs]
Colin: You got a zero. Oh, boy.
Sequoia: Oh, shit.
Colin: The va… the vampire looks you up and down and he says, “You wouldn’t make much of a snack for me and my vampire crew of cool vampires.” And he starts advancing on you.
Kim: Uh oh.
Colin: And now it’s…
Kim: I…
Colin: …the rest of the team’s turn.
Kim: Cool.
Colin: Let’s do Blaise.
Sequoia: Great. So…
Colin: Nobody sees this happening. You may…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Lexi: Got it.
Sequoia: Like, what the shit?
Colin: You heard… okay. You heard Cyril Gray yell that he found something. And then nothing for like a minute. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Okay. So I would like to sort of… stealthily move through the fog towards the place where that voice came from.
Colin: Okay, that’s a good… yeah. Good… good plan.
Sequoia: Yeah?
Colin: Do that. Do you have stealth? You…
Sequoia: [dice roll] I do.
Colin: Let’s get…
Kim: [laughs] That’s a great roll.
Ryan: Oh. Ohh…
Sequoia: I honestly…
Kim: You rolled a minus one.
Sequoia: I did? ‘Kay. I don’t know what this means. [everyone laughs]
Kim: That’s a minus two, and then your skill is plus one. Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: She got a minus one.
Sequoia: Great.
Lexi: That’s really…
Sequoia: This is good.
Colin: Okay, so you got a minus one. You stomp loudly through the clearing [everyone laughs] towards Cyril.
Lexi: Yes!
Sequoia: I’m somehow still singing Memory. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: You forgot to stop singing.
Sequoia: I forgot to stop. [everyone laughs at length]
Kim: Oh noooo.
Colin: Okay. Plodding your way through the clearing, [laughs] you see two figures appear as if out of nowhere, right in front of you. Two shadowy figures ahead of you in the mist.
Sequoia: Oh. Okay.
Kim: Awesome.
Colin: They seem to be looking right at you.
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: “Excellent.” [everyone laughs]
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Am I still going?
Colin: Yeah, it’s your turn, so…
Sequoia: I’m still doing stuff? Oh, shit. [laughs] Okay. So because… because I am who I am…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: I am gonna call attention to myself.
Colin: Okay. Are you calling for help, maybe?
Sequoia: I’m gonna be like, “Hello? Who are you? Where am I?” [everyone laughs a lot, for a long time]
Lexi: So bad!
Colin: Two more vampires step out of the shadows. Or, I guess you don’t know that they’re vampires.
Sequoia: There’s four?!
Kim: There’s three. There’s three right now. ‘Cause I got one and you found two.
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: We’ve found three so far.
Sequoia: Okay. That’s good.
Colin: Two vampires step out and say, “Hello there. Looks like you picked the wrong night to go out for a moonlit walk.” And then that’s it. Then… then… then we’ll do…
Sequoia: That’s… that’s it for me. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Let’s see. We’ll do Luna next.
Lexi: Okay. So Luna has been dancing for a while. She notices she’s kind of on her own now, ‘cause everybody else is doing their own thing. Let’s see. She heard Sirius slash…
Sequoia: Cyril.
Lexi: Cyril.
Sequoia: Cyril Gray.
Lexi: She knows him as Cyril Gray. She heard Cyril yell that he found something, so she’s curious about that. So she’s gonna wander that way.
Colin: Just wander?
Lexi: She’s wandering, yes.
Ryan: Like, not stealthily.
Colin: Just wandering, not…
Lexi: No, she’s not really stealthy. She just kinda floats around. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: That’s a good point.
Colin: So you start wandering over to… to Cyril, kind of from the oppos… or from a slightly different direction than Blaise took, and so…
Lexi: Mhm.
Colin: You wander in the… in the… in the direction of Cyril, and you do… you end up seeing him, actually. Or, you see two figures. You see what you think is Cyril, and you see a… an… another figure bending over Cyril’s neck.
Lexi: Ohh!
Kim: Hot. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Ohh.
Lexi: Okay. Can I pull a stunt?
Colin: In a somewhat hot way.
Lexi: Oh, wait, do I like it? [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: It’s…
Lexi: Oh, God.
Colin: It could be hot, or it could be bad. It’s hard to tell because vampires.
Lexi: Hm.
Colin: Or I guess you don’t know they’re vampires.
Lexi: Okay.
Colin: It’s hard to tell. With people.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Lexi: But their skin is shiny. Hold on. So because Luna… I have uncanny knowledge about weird obscure magical shit, can I pull a stunt here? To like throw some unicorn poop at them, ‘cause I know they’re allergic to it or something? Like… [everyone laughs] Like just…
Colin: You’re gonna have to give me a…
Lexi: Can I pull a stunt?
Colin: …fake out for that, but yes.
Lexi: Oh. Can I do that?
Kim: So we’re gonna establish that vampires are allergic to unicorn poop right now?
Lexi: Please.
Colin: No.
Lexi: Yes.
Colin: I’d just say that you find some… you find some garlic in your pocket or something.
Kim: Oh, okay. That makes more sense.
Lexi: Okay. Yeah, that’s… yeah, it does.
Kim: ‘Kay. Yeah.
Lexi: I was eating it earlier, just raw. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Okay, so you… you remember you were having a a garlic and salami sandwich for lunch and wondering why no one would talk to you.
Lexi: Yeah. Pretty… pretty standard.
Colin: So you shoved some of the garlic in your pocket and you sort of… yeah, you sort of press it into a paste and then you quickly… you quickly whip out your wand and then just sort of fl… magically fling it at the vampire. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Nice.
Lexi: Wonderful.
Sequoia: It’s like the opposite of Accio. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Yeah. the opposite of Accio. [laughs]
Kim: That’s a spell.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That’s a spell.
Lexi: Awesome.
Kim: That Luna might know.
Lexi & Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah. So you…
Lexi: She’s in the DA.
Kim: Plausible.
Colin: Yeah. So you you fling the garlic paste at the… at the vampire. He gets it in his hair and he goes, “Aaaahhhh!” Momently… momentarily distracted.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: By the garlic.
Lexi: Yes.
Colin: And…
Kim: Nice.
Colin: This gives Cyril time to recover.
Lexi: Come on, Cyril.
Colin: And yes. That’s your turn, Luna. Dickie.
Lexi: Awesome.
Ryan: Dickie. Let’s see. So I… I’ve seen my three friends disappear into the mist, and I’m starting to think there’s trouble afoot. So I’d like to try to sneak up as well.
Colin: Okay.
Ryan: I’m going to go stealthy. [dice roll]
Kim: Sneak into the mist?
Ryan: Yeah, just…
Colin: Where though? Towards… towards Cyril?
Ryan: Well, just toward where all this commotion is happening.
Colin: Okay.
Ryan: Towards the noises.
Colin: I mean, yeah, there has been some commotion.
Ryan: I assume I can’t really see. So I got a plus two and my stealth is plus three, so I got a five on my stealth.
Colin: Okay. So you sneak towards… you catch up with… with… with Luna, and you see the whole event with the vampire and Cyril. And you…
Ryan: So I’m… I’m… I’m undetected, right? I’m sneaky.
Colin: Yes. You’re un… you’re… you’re stealthin’ on in there.
Ryan: Okay.
Kim: Nice.
Ryan: I have a theory that I just made up, but it seems right.
Sequoia: Oh, jeez.
Kim: Great.
Ryan: You know how when vampires bite you you become a vampire?
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Oh no.
Ryan: I think…
Sequoia: Oh no.
Ryan: …if I were to bite a vampire in the neck it would become not a vampire, and… [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Ryan: …we’d have a major advantage, you know? If it weren’t vampires any more. So while I’m undetected I’m gonna try to bite one of the vampires in the neck.
Colin: That seems like the opposite of magical knowledge, but I’m gonna let you do it. Gonna have you try to bite… bite that vampire. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: All right. I assume this goes in my…
Colin: You have to roll something. I don’t know what skill. I guess it’s an attack.
Ryan: Physical I guess, yeah.
Kim: Some physical?
Lexi: Oh my god.
Sequoia: That’s… that’s an attack.
Kim: Yeah.
Ryan: I got some physical going on. Yeah, I’m biting this guy. [laughter] [dice roll]
Kim: Jesus Christ.
Sequoia: Goddamnit!
Ryan: It comes out to a net zero, I believe. [more laughter]
Colin: Oh, yeah. So you…
Sequoia: Oh no.
Colin: …creep up on the vampire, you grab him, and then he turns and looks at you.
Ryan: Oooh! How does he look at me? Like smokey?
Colin: You don’t have time to bite him.
Ryan: Like…
Colin: He just… he seems a little confused and he puts his hand up to your chest and pushes you away, like, no. And so you…
Ryan: Oh. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Cyril, like, no, don’t touch me. No, don’t do that.
Ryan: Oh. But there wasn’t like a… a sensual look? It was just like…
Colin: No.
Ryan: …a don’t bite me.
Colin: It was more like… [laughs] more like don’t touch me, than…
Sequoia: It was more like what the hell are you trying to do?
Colin: Yeah, more, what the hell are you doing?
Ryan: Oh. All right. Well, I can say I tried, at least. Okay.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: So now you and Cyril are facing the vampire. He’s still a little bit distracted by the garlic in his fancy hairdo.
Kim: Okay.
Colin: And it’s Blaise’s turn, actually.
Sequoia: Okay. So all of you guys are fighting one vampire, and I am with two.
Colin: Yes.
Kim: Yeah, that sounds right.
Colin: Yes, you are.
Sequoia: Yes. That’s great.
Kim: That… that sounds right.
Sequoia: So I would like to employ my acting skills.
Kim: [laughs] Great.
Colin: You’re going to pretend to be a vampire?
Sequoia: I am going to pretend to be a vampire. [everyone laughs]
Lexi: Yes!
Ryan: Yes!
Kim: Are you using deceive?
Sequoia: Yep. I’ve got a plus four to deception, you guys. This is gonna be good. [dice roll] Someone tell me what these numbers mean.
Kim: Oh, that is a…
Ryan: Uhhh you got a minus two on the roll.
Lexi: It’s not great.
Kim: Minus two.
Sequoia: I have a… I got a plus two overall.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: That’s good.
Colin: You pull your… your robe up around, so it’s kind of like a cape, and you’re putting it in front of your face and you just go bluhh! Bluhh! [everyone laughs] I am vampire too!
Sequoia: Yeah, that sounds about right. [more laughter]
Lexi: Yes. Great.
Colin: But they don’t believe you.
Kim: Sounds right.
Sequoia: Okay. Right. Naturally.
Colin: So. [laughs] So one of the…
Sequoia: Damnit.
Colin: One of the vampires actually rushes up to grab you and restrain you.
Sequoia: Okay.
Colin: I’m just gonna… I’m just gonna roll on that real quick.
Sequoia: Okayyyy.
Colin: Okay. Yeah. So the… the vampire does rush up and… and grab you by the wrist and says, “Not so fast.”
Sequoia: Yep.
Colin: “I don’t think you’re really a cool, sexy vampire like the rest of us. I think you…”
Sequoia: “Oh, bitch please!” [everyone laughs]
Colin: “I think we’d better take care of this one.” And then the other vampire rushes up to you and it looks like he’s about to bite you.
Kim: Cool.
Colin: And since you’re by yourself, let’s go ahead and give you another turn. How are you gonna get out of this?
Sequoia: Ohhh. Ummm. [everyone laughs] Great. So I’m gonna pull out my wand, and I am going to… I’m gonna send a spell.
Colin: Okay.
Sequoia: I’m gonna jinx… I’m gonna jinx the… the one that’s running towards me, not the one that has me restrained.
Kim: What are you gonna jinx it with?
Sequoia: I am gonna do a Bat Bogey Hex.
Kim: Nice.
Lexi: Oh!
Colin: Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah?
Colin: Go for it.
Kim: They seem like they’d be susceptible to that.
Sequoia: Yeah. Right?
Colin: Yeah.
Lexi: Yeah, sure.
Ryan: That sounds right.
Sequoia: It seems right.
Lexi: Valid.
[dice roll]
Kim: That’s a one.
Ryan: That’s a one.
Sequoia: With a…
Kim: Plus a whatever your jinx…
Sequoia: Plus three. So four.
Kim: Four.
Ryan: Oh, that’s okay.
Colin: A four. And what does Bat Bogey Hex do?
Kim: It makes their bogies fly out of their nose and attack them in the shape of bats.
Ryan: Woah!
Colin: Is that…?
Ryan: That’s terrifying. [Sequoia laughs]
Colin: Is that canon?
Kim: Yes.
Lexi: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yes it is!
Ryan: Really?
Lexi: A hundred percent.
Sequoia: Bat Bogey… [everyone laughs]
Colin: Okay. Well, you succeed and the vampire… the sexual vampire…
Sequoia: Yeeaarrgh!
Colin: …rushing towards you has the boogers…
Sequoia: Sexual!
Colin: …fly out his nose, not without a certain amount of discomfort, and they just start harassing him in the form of bats. And he’s like, “Woah, I didn’t sign up for this! I’m four hundred years old, and I’ve never seen anything like this! What the hell?” [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Nicely done!
Colin: So he’s distracted, and the one who has you by the wrist turns to look at him, giving you the chance to escape. [pause] He’s…
Sequoia: Great. So do I… do I escape? [laughs]
Colin: Well, he’s… he’s distracted. I’m gonna give you, like, an… an attack of opportunity to break free.
Sequoia: Oooh! Yeah, yeah, yeah. That opportunity attack.
Colin: But this is physical, so you’d better roll your physical.
Sequoia: Oh shit. [laughs] This is not… this is not… [dice roll]
Kim: Uhhh that’s…
Ryan: Man, you have some enthusiastic rolls.
Lexi: Minus…
Kim: Minus one.
Sequoia: What?
Kim and Lexi: Minus one.
Sequoia: So zero.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: Okay.
Sequoia: Is how that goes.
Colin: So, no, you don’t…
Kim: Mediocre.
Colin: …break away, and he tightens his grip a little bit.
Lexi: Oh no.
Sequoia: Oh good.
Colin: Okay, back to Siriu… Cyril. Cyril Gray
Kim: Nice. Um. Okay. Uhh. I’m… displeased that this guy that I was trying to make a move on smells like garlic and isn’t looking at me any more. [everyone laughs] So I’m gonna jinx him. I’m gonna pull out a jinx. Oh, I know what I’m gonna do! I’m gonna try to use a Levicorpus on him to make him flip upside down and hang by his ankles in the air.
Colin: Okay.
Lexi: Nice.
Kim: Lemme… so that’s a jinx.
Colin: He might like that though, he’s a vampire.
Kim: Yeah, well, that… I don’t know what’s happening so I’m gonna do that to him. [dice roll] That is a zero. I have a plus three to that.
Colin: Oh, okay, nice. So you cast the Levicorpus spell on him, and the vampire begins to float up in the air, and he’s struggling as he flips upside down. Yayyy!
Kim: Nice.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: I’m gonna… I’m gonna yell a one liner as well. I’m gonna say, “I’m no snack!” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Ryan: I think you’re gonna have to roll for that one liner.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Lexi: That’s amazing.
Colin: And the vampire…
Sequoia: Great.
Colin: The vampire says back, “Then why you lookin’ like one?”
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Ryan: Oooh.
Sequoia: Oh! That’s…
Kim: I’m still into this.
Sequoia: Yeah, once he got upside down he was like, I see it. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Okay. Luna’s turn.
Lexi: Okay, let’s see. I’ve already used my garlic, so I’m out of that. [everyone laughs] Fresh out. I’m gonna do a charm thing too.
Kim: Nice.
Lexi: I… don’t know what I’m gonna do. [everyone laughs] All I can think when I think of Luna and fourth year is Expecto Patronum, but I don’t think that’ll work on a vampire.
Kim: It might.
Colin: It may.
Kim: They’re dark creatures.
Sequoia: You could try it.
Kim: You could try it. Concentrated happiness.
Lexi: Also, Luna’s been practising.
Ryan: Wouldn’t hurt.
Lexi: A lot. So she wants to practise during winter break.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Lexi: And impress the DA when they all come back.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Attack this once…
Kim: Concentrated happiness.
Lexi: Yeah. Okay, I’m doing it. I’m using my charm. Hopefully. [dice roll]
Kim: Oh.
Ryan: Oh.
Kim: Nice roll.
Lexi: Woah, okay so… [whispering] one, two three.
Kim: A six?
Lexi: Yeah, that’s a six.
Ryan: Whooo!
Colin: Wow, wow, wow.
Lexi: That’s a fabulous, or something.
Colin: What… what does Luna’s Patronus look like? Is it a penguin?
Kim: Fantastic.
Lexi: It’s a hare.
Kim: It’s a bunny.
Colin: So.
Lexi: It’s a bun bunny bun. Bun bun.
Sequoia: It’s a hare.
Colin: A ma…
Lexi: Bunny. It’s like one single hair.
Colin: A massive hoard of bunnies comes streaming out of your wand towards the levitating vampire. This proves to be too much for our glittering sexual vampire, and he… [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Why are they all sexual?
Kim: ‘Cause it’s what vampires are!
Sequoia: Okay, continue. I’m sorry. [everyone laughs]
Colin: And he falls to the ground in pain, and then… scrambles up to his feet and then runs back into the forest away from your Patronus.
Lexi: Hell yeah.
Kim: Nice job.
Ryan: Yeahhh.
Kim: Nice job, Luna.
Ryan: Yeah!
Lexi: Luna does a little fist pump in the air. [laughter]
Ryan: Nice.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Classic.
Ryan: Is… do we know where Blaise and… and Blaise’s… the last vampire are? Like, I assume we can kinda hear them, but…
Kim: The bogeys and the screaming?
Ryan: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah. You have a rough idea.
Ryan: Okay. Can I just, like, walk over there so I can, you know, get a good spell on them?
Colin: Sure.
Ryan: Or… okay, I do that.
Colin: You… [everyone laughs] okay! You…
Ryan: I pick my… [more laughter]
Colin: You walk over to the… you…
Ryan: So…
Colin: You… you…
Ryan: I’ve…
Colin: You walk over to them. The… it seems like the Bat Bogey curse is starting to wear off, so the vampire that isn’t holding Blaise notices you come over.
Ryan: So I think Blaise and myself are gonna try to hit him with a one two punch. So I’ve got a hex, I assume, that makes somebody really buff and gives them like He-Man muscles and strength and big huge… [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Ryan: Big huge biceps. And I’m gonna do that on Blaise, and I’m gonna say, “Blaise… you’re buff! Buff Bufficus! Or whatever the spell is.” [everyone laughs a lot]
Kim: Bufficus!
Colin: Is that a…
Ryan: That seems like it falls under the hex kinda school of magic.
Colin: I don’t know about that.
Sequoia: Can it be a…
Colin: I don’t know if that’s a hex.
Sequoia: …transfiguration?
Ryan: Oh, that’s a transfiguration.
Lexi: Yeah.
Sequoia: Transfiguration.
Ryan: Okay, I can do a little of that.
Kim: Could be a charm.
Sequoia: It could be a charm.
Lexi: Yeah, it could be really any…
Sequoia: I would say more…
Kim: What do you think? [pause] I’m gonna go with…
Colin: I think it’s a charm.
Lexi: I feel like…
Colin: I think it’s a charm.
Kim: Charm.
Ryan: All right.
Lexi: All right. All right.
Ryan: I’m gonna roll [dice roll] for that. Hooo! That’s a plus three, plus one… a plus four overall.
Colin: Nice.
Ryan: On Bufficus.
Colin: You shout, “Bufficus totalus!” [everyone laughs]
Kim: Nice.
Colin: And Blaise’s biceps bulge. Her pecs um… ugh… flex.
Lexi: Ohhhh! [everyone laughs]
Colin: And her…
Kim: Nice.
Colin: Her… her meaty man wrists can easily now break free of the… of the vampire’s grasp.
Ryan: Nice. And I’m gonna say, fulfilling the trope that we love, I’m gonna say, “Punch him! Punch the crap out of him, Blaise! Hit him!” [everyone laughs]
Kim: These are great one liners that we’re all on.
Ryan: “Use your fists! To punch! Punch!” [more laughter]
Colin: Okay.
Ryan: That’s my turn.
Colin: Blaise, light it up.
Sequoia: Okay. So I’m gonna… I’m gonna punch the one that he told me to punch, with my newly found muscles, while I scream, “Get wrecked!” [everyone laughs] [dice roll]
Lexi: That one needs a reroll.
Kim: Yeah. [die rolls] That is a zero.
Ryan: Zero.
Kim: Plus one.
Sequoia: Plus one.
Kim: Plus whatever buff you’re giving her for the spell.
Colin: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Ryan: Yeah, I feel like my… my buff…
Sequoia: So, I rolled one.
Colin: Okay.
Sequoia: I have…
Colin: Well, you… you’re able to break free from the vampire, and you sock him one good right under the jaw, but he’s not out for the count yet.
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: Cool.
Colin: Mhm.
Kim and Sequoia: Cool.
Sequoia: “Get wrecked!” [everyone laughs]
Colin: All right. You shout, “Get wrecked!” And upper cut him right under the chin. Bam. And then the… the… the other vampire, the Bat Bogeyed vampire, after seeing all this madness, starts to back off towards the edge of the clearing, kinda like, all right, where’s my backup?
Sequoia: What the fuck is this?
Colin: Where’s our other vampire friend? This is starting to get out of control. This isn’t what I signed up for.
Sequoia: It’s not what any of them signed up for, apparently. [laughter]
Colin: So we’ll go back…
Sequoia: What did they sign up for?
Lexi: …the contract.
Kim: I feel like they didn’t expect to find anyone in the Forest, honestly.
Sequoia: Oh, they also looking for unicorn poop?
Lexi: Oh damn.
Kim: Who’s not?
Sequoia: Sorry.
Kim: What’s up?
Colin: [laughs] All right, we’ll… we’ll… we’ll go back to Sirius, I think.
Kim: Okay. I mean, how far away are we?
Colin: Oh, you’re like, twenty, thirty feet away. It’s a small clearing.
Kim: Okay. [pause] I’m gonna attempt to cast, like, a really bright light that’ll kind of hopefully light up the clearing.
Colin: Ahhhh!
Kim: And burn away the mist.
Ryan: Oooh.
Colin: Okay.
Lexi: Mmmm!
Sequoia: Shit!
Kim: ‘Kay.
Colin: Nice. That’s a good… I… that’s a good idea.
Sequoia: How did none of us think to try to get rid of the fucking mist?
Kim: ‘Kay, I’m gonna cast a charm to do that. [dice roll] We’ll see how I do. I got a … two… four.
Colin: A four. Okay. So you cast Lumos Ultima!
Kim: Sure, why not?
Colin: Straight up into the air. And yes, you don’t manage to clear away all of the mist but you pretty much light up the clearing, and the… the… the vampires are just sparkling with the force of a thousand suns right now. [everyone laughs] And they…
Kim: Oh no, I’ve made them more powerful! [more laughter]
Colin: They shade their eyes. [laughs] And eventually they just can’t hack it and they run off into the woods to go find their friend. You did it! You defeated the sexy vampires! [everyone cheers] Go team! And lo and behold!
Kim: Killin’ it.
Colin: Right behind Sirius is the poop you came looking for.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Oh yeah!
Kim: That’s a lot of poop.
Colin: Yeah, it’s a big old pile.
Lexi: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: This, like…
Ryan: So there’s enough for…
Sequoia: There’s a…
Ryan: …all of us plus my double?
Kim: Enough for everyone?
Ryan: My… my double duty?
Sequoia: Oh yeah! [everyone laughs] Noooo! Nooo!
Ryan: You see what I did there?
Lexi: Oh god.
Kim: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: I’m angry about it.
Lexi: How are we taking this poop back? Do we have, like, buckets or like a bag?
Kim: Just levitate it.
Lexi: Oh, I forgot we’re magic. [laughs]
Sequoia: We’re magic!
Kim: Sirius is remembering that we’re magic today. It’s fine.
Lexi: Good. Yeah.
Kim: I’m on it.
Lexi: Helpful.
Ryan: Before Sirius said that I already had my hands and pockets full of poop and… [everyone laughs] I… I…
Lexi: Dickie forgot.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Classic Dickie.
Kim: Dickie’s covered in poop. [laughter]
Colin: Okay, you take…
Lexi: It’s pretty poop, so…
Ryan: Glitter and rainbow.
Lexi: Glittery glittery.
Sequoia: Okay.
Colin: But it does smell like cinnamon rolls, so it’s not all bad. It’s still unicorn poop.
Kim, Lexi, Ryan & Sequoia:: [except Colin] Aww.
Kim: All right.
Ryan: Nice.
Colin: Yeah.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: Pleasant. Hey, Dickie, does it taste like cinnamon rolls?
Ryan: Let me find out for you.
Lexi: Aghh! [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Do… GM, does it? Does it taste good?
Colin: Yes. Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. It… it ta…
Ryan: Whoo great!
Colin: It smells and tastes like cinnamon rolls, oddly enough.
Lexi: Oh.
Ryan: Oh. I say, “You guys gotta get in on this. This is wonderful!”
Lexi: Will he…
Kim: You can’t eat all the poop!
Sequoia: We gotta take that back!
Ryan: Well, I didn’t get dinner ‘cause I was in detention, so I’m hungry.
Lexi: Ohh.
Kim: Ohhhh no. Okay.
Ryan: So I guess we…
Sequoia: Okay.
Ryan: We take our poop and start heading back.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Lexi: Yeah.
Sequoia: Is that…?
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah.
Lexi: It’s cool.
Sequoia: Is that our…?
Kim: We do that.
Ryan: Is Blaise still buff?
Lexi: Blaise is… probably.
Colin: Yeah, Blaise is…
Kim: No.
Colin: …buff for the next, like, hour or so, I think.
Ryan: Yes! [everyone laughs]
Lexi: Oh my god.
Sequoia: Yeahhhh I got swole!
Lexi: Blaise walks back in the castle just like, unnhhh! Unh!
Ryan: I’m gonna try to hop up on Blaise’s shoulder and say, “Onward steed!” [everyone laughs]
Colin: All right! So with the sun fully set and the moon high in the sky, you head back to the entrance of the Forest, where Professor Snape is nowhere to be found.
Lexi: That bitch.
Colin: But as you exit the Forest, a piece of paper shaped li… that is… has been charmed into the form of a hummingbird flaps right up to you and then opens itself in front of you. And it says, [clears throat] “Students. You all took too long.” Esss is… my Snape voice is too Squidward, I’m sorry.
Lexi: It’s…
Sequoia: No! That’s good!
Kim: I think it’s good.
Lexi: It’s so good.
Kim: That’s the way it should be.
Colin: “You all took too long, so I went to the sweet Teachers’ Christmas Rager. Come find me in the dungeon.” [everyone laughs] Make sure…
Sequoia: The Christmas Rager’s in the dungeon? [laughter]
Kim: That sounds right.
Ryan: Yeah.
Lexi: Near the kitchen?
Ryan: Good place for a rager.
Sequoia: Sorry. Sorryyyyyy.
Kim: That’s where I live! What’d you say? No.
Colin: “If you find the poop come, find me.”
Kim: Nice.
Colin: Yep. Yep, yep.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Lexi: Can I…?
Colin: So you are outside and you’re at the… you’re at the very entrance of the Forbidden Forest. You see the the gates to the castle in front of you. The lawn is… a full moon out. Nice night. Crisp. Your breath all hangs in the air like silk hanging on the air. You have your instructions from Snape to meet him in the dungeon at the Teachers’ Annual Christmas Rager.
Kim: Mhm. I have a lot of conflicting emotions inside me right now, because I hate Snape, but I love ragers. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Do you think we could try to disguise ourselves as teachers and… and sneak in and, you know, like join in the rager?
Kim: We could definitely try that.
Ryan: I think it’s worth a shot.
Sequoia: Okay. Let’s… let’s go… let’s go into the castle and go…
Kim: All right, we’re gonna head.
Lexi: Let’s go.
Kim: We’re heading to the dungeons.
Sequoia: We’re heading to the dungeons.
Colin: Okay, okay. You head down to the dungeons. You pass the Potions classroom. And in the same room, actually, where Nearly Head… Nearly Headless Nick’s deathday party was…
Lexi: Mmm!
Kim: ‘Kay.
Colin: …you see a light and you hear untsing music. Unts unts unts.
Ryan: Oooh.
Colin: This must be the Abandoned Teachers’ Annual Christmas Rager.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: For those of you who don’t know, the teachers who don’t go home to their families stay in the dungeons and just get…
Kim: Which is, I believe, all of them.
Colin: Just get…
Kim: No one has a family.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Everyone stays at Hogwarts. [laughter]
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Colin: Okay!
Kim: So.
Lexi: So.
Kim: We gonna try to disguise ourselves?
Sequoia: Nah, we’re just… let’s just straight up go in.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Colin: Okay.
Sequoia: Well, Snape invited us to the party.
Lexi: He totally did.
Kim: I’m not sure that he did, but okay.
Ryan: Well.
Colin: Well, no, he didn’t in...
Lexi: He said, come find me in the party.
Ryan: I’d like…
Lexi: With a drink… get a drink.
Colin: If you read that note again, you’ll notice…
Kim: Blaise has misunderstood it as being invited.
Sequoia: Oh my god, shut up!
Colin: Fair enough, fair enough. Okay.
Sequoia: Wait, no. What does it actually say? Wait, what…? You were saying something. What does it say? If you notice, the note says…
Colin: It just says come bring him the poop.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Right! So we’re invited! To the… [everyone laughs]
Colin: Okay, you’re invited, you’re invited.
Ryan: Just to be safe I… I’m gonna…
Kim: Dickie.
Ryan: …offer to Luna that we cast moustache jinxes on each other so we… we’ll have moustaches, and we’ll look like professors, and then we’ll get in and we’ll just… we’ll do the unts untsing. So…
Lexi: “Yeahhh I like this idea.”
Ryan: Okay. I…
Lexi: Says Luna.
Ryan: I’ll just go ahead and do a zoop! You got a moustache.
Lexi: Zwaa! There you go.
Ryan: Cool.
Kim: Did they… I think they should roll that.
Sequoia: Ah yeah, I don’t think you just get to do that!
Colin: Yeah, is that…
Lexi: Is that a charms?
Kim: Sure.
Colin: Is that not advanced magic?
Lexi: That’s a…
Kim: I mean, if it’s a jinx it’ll wear off pretty soon.
Colin: Advanced?
Kim: And it could go horribly awry.
Ryan: Oooh let’s see if it does. [dice roll]
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Lexi: So it’s a jinx. [dice roll]
Sequoia: Oh god.
Kim: Yeah, jinx each other with a jinx.
Ryan: I got a minus one on the roll but a plus four on the… a plus three overall.
Kim: That’s a… that’s a mi…
Colin: Oh, okay, so you… you cast a spell on Luna and she grows a glorious handlebar moustache.
Sequoia: Sweet.
Lexi: Oh, I love this.
Kim: What’d you get, Luna?
Lexi: I got a plus two.
Colin: Okay, yes. And you… your spell is also successful, and… and… Dickie sprouts a a nice little French moustache.
Ryan: Ooh!
Colin: Very neat and trim.
Lexi: A little curly.
Ryan: I’m feeling more scholarly already.
Sequoia: Oh Jesus.
Ryan: Let us proceed.
Kim: I think we’re just gonna try and swag on in, Sequoia. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh hell yeah. Yep.
Kim: Yep. Sirius has convinced himself that he belongs, so…
Sequoia: “And I was invited.” [everyone laughs]
Colin: Okay. So you all walk into the Christmas Rager. It’s… it’s kind of… I mean, it’s… it’s in the dungeon. There are manacles and chains hanging from the… [laughing] from the side of the walls.
Kim: Sure.
Colin: But… [giggles] but it seems like everyone’s having a good time in a desperate kind of way. [everyone laughs] Like, they’re… like they’re trying really hard to have a lot of fun.
Ryan: Boy, do I know that feeling.
Colin: In attendance you see a lot of familiar faces. Professor Flitwick is there. Binns the History teacher. Madam Pomfrey is there. Filch. All the house ghosts.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: And so it’s, you know, not that bad of a party. There’s punch. There’s a little bar that Binns is… is tending. And there’s just people gathered in groups around the snack tables. And conversations. There’s a dance floor in the middle and you hear the unts unts of a sound system concealed somewhere in the room. What do you do first?
Lexi: “I’m gonna talk to my boy Flittywick. Because he’s the head of my house,” says Luna.
Kim: Great.
Lexi: And she strokes her moustache as she goes.
Sequoia: I’m…
Colin: ’Kay, so…
Sequoia: …already in the center of the room, dancing. [everyone laughs]
Lexi: Oh my god.
Kim: Going… I’m going for punch.
Ryan: I’d like to…
Colin: Okay, so…
Ryan: …challenge one of the ghosts to a drinking contest. [laughter]
Sequoia: What?!
Kim: Great. [more laughter]
Colin: Okay.
Kim: We’re splitting up!
Lexi: American.
Sequoia: [through laughter] What? We suck so bad as a group!
Kim: No, this sounds right.
Ryan: I say… I say, “You there!”
Sequoia: We didn’t choose… none of us are a strong character.
Lexi: Ohh.
Ryan: “You there! Hey! You, ethereal looking feller. How much of this punch can you drink?” [everyone laughs]
Colin: Which ghost? Which ghost?
Kim: Is it Binns?
Sequoia: The Bloody Baron.
Kim: Binns is at the… Binns is at the bar.
Colin: I like Professor Binns.
Ryan: Yeah.
Colin: It fits with Professor Binns.
Ryan: Him, let’s say.
Lexi: Yeah.
Kim: You slap on top of the bar.
Colin: Okay. Okay. Well… let… have the… the… the… the… the…
Kim: We’ve dispersed. Very well.
Ryan: Who has the poop?
Sequoia: Yeah, we’ve been…
Ryan: Oh, I’m carrying the poop.
Colin: Yeah, who has the poop? Okay.
Kim: Dickie is covered in poop. [everyone laughs]
Colin: He is covered in…
Ryan: I’m covered in poop, and I say…
Lexi: He smells lovely, though.
Colin: …unicorn poop. Okay.
Ryan: I say to Binns, “Pour me up a tall, strong whatever you have in this magical…”
Colin: Okay, so Dickie goes to Professor Binns, and he says… and Binns immediately says, “Aren’t you, like, a fifth year?”
Ryan: “Do you not see my…”
Colin: “Maybe a little too young to be at the Teachers’ Secret Christmas Rager. You gotta get outta here.”
Ryan: “No, no, I’m a Professor. [everyone laughs] You can tell by my moustache.” That seems like a deceive. Can I deceive him?
Lexi: Yeah.
Kim: Binns doesn’t know what’s going on, anyway.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Lexi: Yeah.
Colin: That’s true. It’s not that hard to deceive him.
Ryan: All right, I’m gonna… [dice roll] plus one.
Kim: Yeah? What’s your deceive skill?
Ryan: Zero.
Kim: Okay, you got a plus one.
Lexi: Plus two.
Kim: No, he got a… that’s a…
Ryan: But that’s a minus one.
Lexi: Oh, got it. Sorry, sorry.
Ryan: Yeah, just a regular old plus one on the deceive. “I’m a professor!”
Kim: He’s got a moustache.
Ryan: “Look at my moustache.”
Colin: Binns’s normally vacant and absent expression and demeanour lowers for a little bit, and you can see a bit of a twinkle in his ghostly eyes. He says, “You know, I… I remember when I was young once.”
Sequoia: He does?! [everyone laughs]
Ryan: That’s good enough for me.
Kim: Sure. It’s Christmas.
Colin: “And my friends and I would cast a magical moustache charm on each other to try to sneak into places.”
Ryan: “You know, Binnsy…”
Colin: “What the hell. I’ll give you a little nip of the good stuff.” And pours you a… you know, a finger and a half of from… of some Scotch from behind the bar. And he says, “Merry Christmas.”
Kim: Nice.
Colin: “Merry Christmas.”
Lexi: Aw.
Ryan: “I like you, Binnsy.”
Kim: Dickie’s doing well.
Ryan: I take back everything I ever said about ghosts.
Sequoia: Oh my god. [everyone laughs] [whispering] Dickie!
Kim: Oh, great.
Sequoia: All the tact of an American.
Colin: Okay, so Dickie’s covered in poop. Luna is talking to Flitwick. I guess we’ll do Luna next.
Lexi: Okay, yeah.
Colin: So your interaction with Flitwick is much the same. Flitwick is about two and a half sheets to the wind right now, though, so… [laughter]
Sequoia: He’s very small. It doesn’t take a lot.
Kim: He is very…
Lexi: He is.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah, no, it doesn’t take a lot. He’s had two… two beers, and he’s feeling really good about himself. Flitwick says, [squeaky voice] “Oh my, Luna!” [everyone laughs] “You’re not allowed to be here!”
Lexi: “We’re here to see Professor Snape. It’s all good. It’s all good.”
Colin: Okay.
Lexi: And Luna’s not trying to be anybody different. She just likes the moustache. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Okay. That… that makes perfect sense. Thank you for including that. [more laughter] [even more laughter]
Kim: Oh, that’s good.
Colin: “Nice moustache, by the way.”
Lexi: “Thank you. Glorious, right?”
Colin: “Giving mine a run for its money.” Flitwick says, “Oh. Professor Snape. Yes, he’s in the back.”
Lexi: “Great. Thank you.” [laughter]
Sequoia: Cool!
Lexi: That’s it.
Colin: “Have I ever told you about my life?”
Lexi: “Oh. Please tell me. Please.”
Colin: He starts leaning on you.
Lexi: Ohhh.
Colin: He’s sort of tugging on your robes a little bit. “Have I ever told you my life? When we first got married she was the most beautiful woman in the world.”
Lexi: “Oh, is that so?”
Colin: “But now, all we ever do is fight.”
Sequoia: Oh no! Jesus!
Ryan: Oh no!
Lexi: Oh! Actually, I can be helpful here. Can I use an empathy roll? To… to comfort poor Professor Flitwick?
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: Yeah. Yes. Yes.
Lexi: Okay.
Colin: You can do an empathy roll.
Lexi: Wonderful. [dice roll] I have…
Kim: It’s a four.
Lexi: Yeah, it’s a four.
Colin: Yes. You…
Lexi: Great.
Colin: You comfort the Professor and are able to get him to go back to the bar…
Lexi: “Do not be cry.”
Colin: …feeling a little better about himself. You give him a pat on the head, tell him to keep a stiff up… stiff upper lip, and maybe try, I don’t know, tantra. You know, something to put a little spice back… [everyone laughs] back into the relationship.
Lexi: Yes. Definitely recommend that.
Kim: That sounds right. That sounds right.
Sequoia: Ohhhh. Yeah, I guess that does… does sound right.
Lexi: Right.
Colin: Okay.
Sequoia: Whose turn is it?
Colin: Uhhhh Sirius?
Kim: Yeah, I’m in the punch. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Okay, you’re in the punch.
Lexi: Swimming in it?
Kim: Whatever.
Ryan: Are you drinking the punch or are you just having a soak?
Colin: Are you drinking the punch or are you…?
Kim: I’ve got… I’m holding the punch bowl, and I’m trying to chug as much of it before we get thrown out. [Sequoia laughing]
Lexi: Right. ‘Cause he knows that’s inevitable.
Colin: Okay. Before you can drink much, Filch grabs the punch bowl from Sirius and says, “What are you doing here? This is the Annual Lonely Teachers’ Rager. No one’s supposed to know about this.”
Kim: [laughs] Oh, nice. I’ve been avoiding Filch because he would a hundred percent recognise me and he doesn’t know who I am.
Lexi: Mmm.
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: Soooo… I’m gonna say, “Okay.” And ssssssssssidle off. [everyone laughs] Stealthily.
Colin: So did you…
Sequoia: What? He’s… he’s looking at you!
Kim: I know. [everyone laughs] I just sneak away. Like, I’m gonna kind of melt into the table.
Ryan: Melt! [more laughter]
Colin: [pause] Well, Filch gives you a long side-eyed glance, but then pours a lot more punch for himself, and…
Kim: Nice.
Colin: …goes back to the party.
Lexi: Mmm, great.
Colin: Blaise, you’re just dancing? [everyone laughs]
Kim: Are you singing?
Lexi: Moonlight again?
Sequoia: I’m… I’m dancing in… in the middle of the room. And, like… oh, the only other person is, like, Madam Pomfrey, ‘cause she goes harrrrd. Probably.
Colin: Madam Pomfrey. Yes.
Lexi: She would.
Colin: That’s… she goes full ham. [everyone laughs]
Lexi: She… yeah.
Sequoia: She goes full ham. And so we’re just, like, dancing in the middle of the… in the middle of the room. And then, you know, I’m not drinking anything, but she’s super drunk, and we come to the conclusion that we should do a duet.
Ryan: Oooh.
Lexi: Ohhh.
Sequoia: We should sing Girls Just Want To Have Fun.
Lexi: Oh my god, yesss!
Sequoia: For… for the room.
Kim: It’s good. That’s good.
Lexi: [laughing] For the room! For all the lonely teachers. Abandoned.
Sequoia: Yeah. Me and Madam Pomfrey.
Colin: Well, what a coincidence, ‘cause that’s when Snape comes out of the back room with a karaoke machine. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Oh no. [more laughter]
Colin: And he says, “I hope you bitches are ready to get burnt!” [even more laughter] “Who wants to hear me belt out Don’t Stop Believing?” [continuing laughter]
Kim: Oh god!
Colin: It seems like for a second Snape is almost smiling. Almost happy. But then he sees you students…
Ryan: Ohhh.
Sequoia: Oh.
Colin: …with your bucket of poop, and says, “Oh yes my poop.”
Kim: Don’t call Dickie a bucket! [everyone laughs]
Ryan: “I’m not a bucket!” No, I… I wave to Snape and I say, “Did someone ask for a poopy Dick?!” [shouts of laughter and oh my god]
Sequoia: You caaaan’t say that!
Colin: “Triple detention!”
Ryan: “That’s my name and I’m covered in poop!”
Sequoia: Oh, I’m gonna cry.
Ryan: And I go give Snape a big hug and get all my poop on him. All over his robes.
Colin: No! You don’t do that stuff! Don’t yell any of those things!
Ryan: Well, I did already. [the laughter continues]
Colin: All right. Okay. You did. So you go up and… you do all those things. [more laughter]
Ryan: Great.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: Ohhhh.
Ryan: So Snape and I are, like, in a deep embrace and we get all… I’m rubbing all over him with my poop. I… is how I imagine…
Colin: He says, “If it weren’t Christmas, I would… I would magically cut you to ribbons and have you obliterated. But this is the poop I need for my memory potion. Thank you.”
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Lexi: Ohhh, memory potion.
Kim: Ahhh.
Lexi: Oh, we should ask him why he needs that.
Colin: “You seem to have brought a lot. A lot of poop.”
Kim: I did do that.
Sequoia: You did.
Ryan: “As much as I could fit, sir.”
Sequoia: Jesus.
Colin: “All right. Well, thank you. Why don’t… why don’t you and I and your friends go back to the Potions room so we can store this properly for my potion?”
Kim: I think Snape’s acting really weird. In that he’s happy. I’m gonna… I’m gonna roll an empathy check on him to see what… kinda like, sense his emotional state and see what’s going on with him. Can I do that?
Colin: Okay. Yeah. Go for it.
Kim: I’m suspicious of his happiness. [dice roll] I got… a minus two. [everyone laughs]
Colin: So what do you say?
Sequoia: Damnit, Cyril!
Lexi: Cyril!
Colin: What’s your mode of investigation?
Kim: I’m like, “You seem happy. [Sequoia laughs] Snape.” In that tone.
Colin: “Well, it’s Christmas, after all, and maybe maybe I wasn’t such a hard ass and maybe all along I had a heart of gold.” [everyone laughs]
Kim: Ummm. I’m gonna…
Colin: Then he catches himself talking and says, “Well, let’s just go back to the Potions room so we can get this poop off of you.”
Ryan: How drunk is Snape?
Colin: He’s like… chillin’.
Ryan: All right. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: What!?
Colin: He’s, like, cool, chillin’. He’s like two and a half drinks deep.
Ryan: Okay.
Colin: And feeling real good.
Ryan: Okay. Well, I… yeah. I’ll go with him.
Lexi: Mmm.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: We’re all going.
Lexi: Okay.
Kim: Yeah, I guess. He’s…
Lexi: Yeah.
Kim: He’s corralled us.
Sequoia: He’s corrall… we can’t be there.
Lexi: Luna… Luna’s very curious about…
Colin: He’s sort of herded you out of the room, ‘cause he knows you’re really…
Lexi: Okay.
Colin: …not supposed to be there.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: Okay, so he herds you back to the Potions room.
Lexi: Great.
Colin: And he’s scraping the… the… he’s getting the unicorn poop off… off… off of Dickie and into a container, and he’s explaining, “Yes, I need to make a memory potion, but it’s not the one you’re thinking of. It’s so that I can remember in the morning what happened after this party.” [laughter]
Sequoia: Woooow.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Go hard or go home, Severus.
Kim: Sirius is into that.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Lexi: Sirius… [everyone laughs]
Kim: Into that.
Colin: “’Cause I want to get totally turnt but I still want to remember what happened. Don’t tell any of your parents that I’m saying this. I don’t know why. Hmmm.” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Great.
Colin: “Maybe I should just brew this potion and get out of here.”
Ryan: I’m still mad at Snape. I mean, I… I just have anti-authority…
Kim: Great.
Ryan: …thoughts all the time. So I’m gonna try to stealthily sneak some of my own poop into all the poop that he’s…
Sequoia: Oh my god! [everyone laughs]
Kim: You can’t just have poop!
Colin: Yes!
Sequoia: What the hell!?
Ryan: Well, I’m… I don’t like Snape and I want… I think it’d be funny. [pause] [Colin sighs]
Sequoia: What?
Colin: Dickie, you don’t just have poop! That requires too much preparation that you haven’t done.
Ryan: I’ll give you… I’ll give you a… I’ll give you a Fate…
Lexi: You have to create… you have to create advantage.
Ryan: Give you a Fate thing if I just have some poop.
Colin: No! It’s not related to one of your… oh. It kind of is. [everyone laughs] No! No, because…
Sequoia: No!
Colin: …you would have had to have prepared your faeces beforehand.
Ryan: You don’t know that I didn’t. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Dickie!
Ryan: [laughing] No, all right, fine, I didn’t.
Colin: How… Okay. Okay, okay. How are you at at transfiguration? You get…
Ryan: I… I’m I’m okay. Took the class.
Kim: Are you gonna try to have him conjure faeces?
Colin: Yeah, have him just conjure up some poop.
Ryan: Right.
Lexi: Hmmm.
Ryan: I’m gonna go for it. [dice roll] All right. A plus one… plus one more… a plus two.
Colin: Hmm.
Kim: Conjuring’s difficult. That’s, like…
Colin: Yeah.
Sequoia: That’s some next level shit.
Kim: Sixth… sixth year.
Lexi: Yeah, sixth year.
Ryan: How’d I do on the poop check?
Colin: You conjure up some raisinettes instead. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Yeah, I’ll… I’ll settle for that.
Kim: Great.
Colin: Maybe one of ‘em’s a sugar baby. I don’t know. [more laughter]
Ryan: I hope he bites down real hard on that.
Kim: Ohhh nice.
Ryan: Hurts his teeth.
Colin: Well, he’s not gonna just take bites out of the poop! It’s for a potion! [laughter] He’s gonna like… first he’s gonna have to like …
Kim: Strain it.
Colin: You know, he’s gonna have to synthesise the poop.
Ryan: Oh. All right. Well, I guess that didn’t really work.
Sequoia: I think, you know, we just should… just not… just don’t try to explain anything to Dickie. [everyone laughs] He doesn’t… he doesn’t…
Lexi: He doesn’t have the…
Sequoia: …actually know what’s going on.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Colin: Okay. So the… okay. The poop is ready. It’s in its containers. [pause] And then… and then, yeah. Snape is like, “All right. Get outta here. You’re not invited to our rager, so leave.”
Sequoia: “But here’s the thing, is, like, you… you did invite us, in… like, the first time you did invite us to it.” [everyone laughs]
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: “Or me. Just me. You could have just invited me to it.”
Colin: “You’ve misread my flying note. I… I did not invite you. I just said bring me the ingredients and maybe don’t tell your parents about much of this.”
Kim: “You know what? We’re gonna have our own party and it’s gonna be way cooler.”
Colin: “Mmm. All right. I suggest you try the library, then. [everyone laughs] Just get out of my hair.”
Kim: I’m storming out of the room. I can’t look at Snape any longer.
Sequoia: Okay. I’m mad ‘cause he definitely invited us to the party and then took it back, so I am also storming out.
Lexi: I’ve been messing with his potions, just, like, distracted Luna stuff, but I’m also leaving. Not angry. Just… just going. [everyone laughs]
Colin: All right.
Ryan: I guess I’ll go.
Colin: Snape heads back to the rager, and you’re in the hall in… in… in the dungeons.
Kim: Awesome.
Colin: You’re kind of at an impasse as to what to do right here. Hmm.
Kim: I wanna storm off towards the kitchens. I’m serious about having my own party.
Colin: Okay, well…
Kim: And it’s gonna be way better.
Colin: [laughing] Okay.
Kim: Than any party Snape’s at.
Colin: Then you know what? You go towards the… or does it…? Well. You… bring that up with the party. Ask your friends.
Kim: “I’m gonna throw a way better party than Snape ever could.”
Sequoia: “You know what?”
Kim: “Let’s go get some food.”
Sequoia: “I don’t even need Madam Pomfrey to do a rendition of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun with me. I can do it by myself. So yes, I’m in.”
Ryan: “Here’s an idea. Where are Snape’s quarters? Because I want to go ruin them.”
Sequoia: “Dickie, shuddup!” [everyone laughs]
Ryan: “I want to start a fire.”
Sequoia: “Shut up!”
Ryan: “In his bed.”
Lexi: I think his quarters…
Ryan: Just gonna put that out there.
Lexi: Yeah. I think they’re just down the hall.
Ryan: Oh, how convenient.
Sequoia: Okay. Sssss.
Colin: I have a map of the castle here. [laughter]
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Let’s head… a direction.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Ryan: Agreed.
Sequoia: We’re headed towards the kitchens.
Lexi: The kitchen.
Kim: Oh, let’s split up then.
Sequoia: No, we’re all headed towards the kitchens.
Kim: Ahhhohhh.
Colin: [laughs] Okay, you all go towards the kitchens.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: The kitchens are… are empty. All the lights are off.
Kim: “Oh, also don’t worry about why I know where the kitchens are.”
Sequoia: Oh my god! [everyone laughs]
Colin: Well apparently they’re…. they’re also in the dungeons, so it’s just a hop and a skip away.
Kim: Yeah, but it’s not common knowledge where they are.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: Oh, okay.
Kim: It’s just a thing I know. For reasons. I have a…
Colin: So you head to the kitchen and see if you can maybe snag some magic Doritos or something for your party.
Ryan: Well, that sounds good.
Kim: Nice. Yeah. I’m gonna do that.
Colin: Okay, the ki… [laughs] the kitchens are… are completely dark and cold. There’s no one there. And the… the… the cabinets and pantries, the handles of which are all kind of glowing vaguely, magically, as if they’re a little bit enchanted.
Kim: Hmm.
Lexi: Hmm.
Kim: Hmm.
Colin: That’s the only light in the room.
Kim: Hmm.
Ryan: Hmm.
Kim: “I used to come here all the time. I mean, I’ve never been here before.”
Sequoia: Oh my g… [everyone laughs] “You’re sssseriously weird.”
Kim: “And there should be snacks out. There’s always snacks. I mean… what? Kitchens always… uhhhhhh…”
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Ryan: Are you sure that I’m not suspicious that you’re a magically de-aged, like, actual older person? ‘Cause I think I s…
Kim: “I just have…”
Ryan: …still was.
Kim: “…weird knowledge about Hogwarts. No I don’t.”
Ryan: Huh. All right.
Sequoia: “Are you gonna try to get snacks or are you not?”
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “Or are you just gonna talk about random stuff?”
Kim: Well, usually there’s snacks on the tables, so I’m, like, looking under the tables and on the tables. “Usually the house elves have left out food. For me. Back in the day.”
Sequoia: I’m gonna try to open one of the cupboards.
Kim: “Back in the day.”
Colin: Well.
Ryan: “See, you keep saying that.”
Colin: Okay, well, you… you go over to the cupboards but they appear to be magically locked so students don’t get into them.
Sequoia: Fine.
Colin: As you’re snooping around you see a black cabinet, and there’s a light. Just a light peeking through the door, and you hear soft high pitched voices.
Kim: “Oh, I know these dudes! I’ll go get some food for us.”
Ryan: ‘Kay.
Kim: I’m gonna go towards what I assume are house elves.
Sequoia: Oooh yeah.
Kim: To get food for us.
Colin: You… you… you open the door. You peek through, and you see one house elf standing up on a soap box and the others gathered around him discussing something in… in hushed tones. The… [everyone laughs]
Lexi: Oh my god! Yes!
Kim: Oh no.
Lexi: An uprising!
Colin: The house elf… the house elf on the soap box… you don’t hear everything that he’s saying, but he says something like, [high, croaking voice] “You have nothing to lose but your chains!” [everyone laughs]
Kim: Yeah, I’m busting into the room and I’m gonna yell, “Yo, elves! Where’s the food at?” [laughter]
Sequoia: This can only go well.
Colin: And the elf on the soap box says, “We don’t have to serve you! It’s Christmas! We deserve a break too! We’re on strike!”
Kim: Oh no!
Lexi: Luna grabs one of the strike signs that they have and starts nodding with them. “Yes.”
Colin: Yes.
Lexi: “This… I agree. [laughter] A hundred percent.”
Kim: Oh no.
Ryan: “You know what? I agree too. In America we have something called freedom.”
Lexi: Oh my god. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Ryan: “And I agree with these elves. We banned slavery! I think. At least, the wizarding community…”
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Ryan: “…may have.”
Sequoia: Oh no.
Ryan: “Well, I don’t really know. I pick up a sign. I start chanting whatever it is they’re going on about.”
Kim: Oh, great, great. This party’s not going the way I thought it would. [everyone laughs] Sirius is sulking.
Colin: [pause] One of the… one of the elves in the corner kinda takes pity on Sirius and he says, “You know, the… the last cabinet there on the left at the very end. That has some snacks. It’s unlocked.”
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Good job.
Colin: “Maybe you could go get some chips or something, child. You shouldn’t be…” But then he looks at you, and he has kind of a sterner look in his eye, and he says, “You know, you shouldn’t be wandering around the castle at night all alone. There are strange things going on, even for Hogwarts.”
Kim: Yeah, I’ll say, “What’s up with this strike?”
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Colin: “Well!” He… he… he takes a step back and he says, “Well, I think this has been a long time coming. I mean, this is basically indentured servitude, what’s going on here. But it’s not exactly what I’m talking about. There have been strange happenings and people acting… acting… very strangely. Not… not… not like they would. Being not themselves. And maybe this is all part of it. I’m just not… I’m not sure but I know it’s all coming from somewhere.”
Kim: “Snape was really happy earlier.”
Colin: “Yes.”
Sequoia: Yeah.
Lexi: Mmm.
Colin: “That’s very odd,” says the house elf. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: “Well, all I know is that I am perfectly and one hundred percent myself, and I am hungry, and I wanna sing a song. So, like…”
Kim: Mkay.
Sequoia: “Can we get this going?”
Kim: Let’s grab the snacks and head towards a party location.
Ryan: Which location is that?
Kim: The hallway. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “Wait.”
Ryan: A hallway party.
Sequoia: “Didn’t… didn’t somebody say something about the library?”
Kim: Oh yeah, let’s go to the library!
Ryan: Oh, right.
Kim: That’s a great party location.
Lexi: Great.
Colin: The house elf perks up. “Whatever you do… I would stay away from the library if were you. That’s where the strangest things have all seemed to be coming from. I would stay in your dorms.”
Sequoia: [sighs] “My dad says that I don’t have to do what house elves tell me to do.”
Lexi: Oh.
Kim: “Yeah, a hundred percent.”
Colin: “Well, your dad’s a bougie sucker.” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “He is, though.”
Kim: “It’s true. It’s true, yeah, no.”
Colin: “He’s a kulak!”
Kim: Yeah. No. I’m already, like, got some chips. I’m out. I’m out the door headed, towards the library.
Colin: All right.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Not listening to elves.
Colin: You’re… you’re ignoring…
Kim: I’m listening to half of what the elves say.
Colin: …most of what the house elf is saying.
Ryan: I am…
Lexi: I… yeah.
Ryan: You first.
Lexi: I’m inviting the elves to come with us. [everyone laughs] It’s party time for everyone.
Ryan: Yeah. I’m gonna follow along, but I’m carrying the picket sign, and I sign their little petition. [laughter] Yeah. I’m… I’m totally sold on this, you know, freedom for elves thing.
Kim: Nice.
Lexi: “They don’t have to work.”
Ryan: But I’m following along.
Lexi: “Yeah, they can come party with us.”
Ryan: Yeah.
Colin: The elves are delighted by your invitation, but they decide to stay at their meeting with their literature and such.
Ryan: Okay.
Lexi: All right.
Ryan: I’m gonna take a few extra pamphlets. [everyone laughs] Be on my way.
Kim: Nice, nice.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: All right, we’re going to the library.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: With our arms full of snacks. My arms are full of snacks, I don’t know about everybody else.
Sequoia: My arms are also full of snacks.
Colin: All right. You’ve got snacks. You’re… you’re in the kitchen, heading up to the dungeons. Or heading up… sorry, heading up from the dungeons. And you pass by the Great Hall on the way and now you’re in the… actually, let me… yeah, let me pull up my Hogwarts map real quick. [pause] And you’re sort of in the… you’re in the… the… the Entrance Hall now, right next to the Great Hall.
Kim: Nice. Nice. I mean, all the teachers are downstairs having a rager.
Sequoia: We could literally go anywhere.
Kim: We could do anything we want! I mean, the library sounds great though.
Sequoia: They’re all super drunk.
Kim: I’ve always wanted to tear it up in the library. [everyone laughs] Like, dancing on the tables in the library. Come on.
Lexi: Yeah.
Kim: I thought we were doing the Breakfast Club.
Sequoia: Oh right!
Ryan: Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh the Breakfast Club!
Ryan: Yeah, let’s do the Breakfast Club thing.
Lexi: Yeah!
Kim: We’re sprinting towards the library.
Colin: Okay. As you… [laughs] you sprint towards the library, a figure at the top of the stairs … a figure at the top of the stairs addresses you. He’s not facing you, but he has his wand pointed up in the air and you can see he’s wearing a long, flowing… not a robe, but a long flowing cape. And he has feathered blond hair and he [someone gasps] is wearing very tight pants. [everyone gasps]
Ryan: That’s hot.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Colin: And he says, [posh voice] “Potter!” [everyone laughs] “Potter! I know that’s you!” [more laughter] “Come here and f…” and then he spins around and you see the figure of a very handsome Draco Malfoy.
Sequoia: Yes!
Lexi: Ohh!
Kim: Ohhh youu…
Colin: Wearing tight leather pants, with feathery, beautiful, anime hair, [everyone laughs] a cape, and no shirt underneath the cape. [more laughter]
Sequoia: Yeeeess!
Kim: God.
Colin: And he points his wand directly at you, and he says, “Potter, you must face me in a wizarding duel!”
Kim: I am into everything that’s happening right now. [everyone laughs] Like, a hundred percent.
Ryan: Okay, so I… I’m new to this school. I pull one of my teammates here aside. I say, “Who’s that? Do you know who that is?”
Kim: Talking to Luna?
Ryan: Whoever’s closest. Yeah, Luna.
Lexi: Oh.
Kim: I’m entranced by Draco’s chest. [laughter]
Ryan: “Who’s that? Who’s that really oily looking guy?” [more laughter]
Lexi: “That’s Draco Malfoy.”
Ryan: “Oh. What’s his… what’s he doing here?”
Lexi: “I honestly don’t know.” [everyone]
Ryan: “Right. [more laughter] He sure is oiled up.”
Colin: He keeps… he seems to have been… he… he keeps on with much of the same. He seems to have been affronted by this Potter character.
Kim: Uh huh.
Colin: And he… he is… keeps gesturing at you with his wand. He looks like he is about to let a whole slew of curses go at you.
Kim: All right, I wanna try to restrain him so I can kiss him.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: I’m convinced this is it. This is the guy. [laughter] This is the guy for me. I’m feeling some feelings.
Lexi: True love.
Kim: And yeah, I’m gonna… I’m gonna try to restrain him.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: Magically.
Colin: With a spell? Okay, yeah.
Kim: Yep.
Colin: Probably good.
Kim: I’m gonna do this.
Sequoia: Oh my god
Kim: That’s a charm, I’m gonna say.
Lexi: Yeah.
Kim: [dice roll] Oh, goddamn, I got a two.
Colin: [pause] Okay. Sorry, that was your total with your skill?
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: I got two.
Colin: Two. Two total. No. Sexy Draco… they’re all sexy.
Kim: Oh yeah.
Colin: Beautiful Draco sidesteps your charm like it wasn’t nothin’.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: And then he says, “Is that all you’ve got, Potter?” And then he… he…
Kim: Really doesn’t like Harry.
Colin: …points a spell at you, Cyril Gray, and says, “Expelliarmus!”
Kim: Oh, shit.
Colin: And…
Kim: Should I roll?
Lexi: For defence?
Colin: Yeah, do you have, like, a magical defence quality?
Kim: Would that be will or physical, do you think?
Colin: Will.
Kim: Will? ‘Kay. [dice roll] Holy shit!
Ryan: Whoo!
Kim: Let’s see. I got a minus one.
Colin: Oh boy. Your wand goes flying out of your hand down the hall. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh boy!
Colin: It seems like this… this… this leather panted Draco means business.
Kim: [laughs] Yes.
Colin: Okay, so… so… so that was his turn. Whoooo neeext? Blaise.
Sequoia: “Okay. So, you know, Draco and I are… we’re cut from the same cloth.”
Kim: You guys are buddies.
Lexi: You are.
Sequoia: “If you will. Yeah.”
Kim: Kind of. As much as you’re friends with anyone.
Sequoia: “We’re both sexy, sassy Slytherins, and we’re meant to be together.”
Kim: Ohhh. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Oh, okay.
Kim: Nice.
Lexi: Ohhhh!
Colin: So if you want to invoke the sexy sassy Slytherin aspect you’re gonna have to give me a Fate point.
Sequoia: I do! I do. I want to.
Colin: Okay.
Sequoia: Heyyy!
Kim: ‘Kay.
Colin: Suddenly Draco looks at you, Blaise, and says, “Blaise! Blaise Zabini! How dare you join the ranks of my adversary, the wretched, mudblood loving Potter? You’re Slytherin and you’re better than that. Why don’t you come join me by my side?” And he sort of, mmm, gestures [everyone laughs] to his chest. [more laughter] “And together we will defeat Potter and claim this school for ourselves!”
Lexi: Oh!
Kim: Draco has not noticed that Harry Potter’s not here, right? [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Not even a little bit?
Colin: Not even a little.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Am I still doing stuff?
Colin: Yeah, Blaise, how do you respond to that?
Sequoia: Shit, man. Okay. Um. So. I… “Listen, Draco, I don’t know what’s going on with you right now, but, like, I implicitly trust you for no specific reason.” [laughs]
Kim: We’re so bad at this. [everyone laughs] No one’s doing well!
Sequoia: Really bad.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: “And you know what, Draco? I just… I just need to know… why do you think Harry Potter’s here? I would never do that. I would never do that to you. I would never do that to Slytherin. Harry Potter’s not here. Harry Potter’s not with us.”
Colin: He looks at you, very confused. Says, [warbling voice] “What?” Oh, jeez, what was that? [everyone laughs]
Kim: Gotta… you gotta get into it by saying, “Myyyyy faaatherrrrrr.”
Sequoia: “Myyyyy faaatherrr.”
Colin: Myyy faa… yeah, he convulses and says, “Myyyy farrrrrtherrr! But mooiii faaathherrr!” He seems very confused. He can’t… he can’t… when you tell him that Harry Potter’s not there he just sort of gets a blank look in his eye. He seems confused, and he takes a step back, and he says, “No! This isn’t possible! My… my… my faaarrrtherrr would have you obliterated.” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “Guys, there’s something wrong with Drakey-ahhh.”
Kim: Nice.
Ryan: Luna’s got that empathy thing.
Kim: Oh.
Ryan: Let’s try to figure out what’s going on in Draco’s head.
Lexi: Yep.
Colin: Yeah?
Kim: Luna’s going.
Lexi: I’m going.
Colin: Go for it.
Lexi: Yeah, Luna notices that he’s being really super weird, so empathy happening. [dice roll]
Kim: That’s a… you got a…
Lexi: It’s a plus three.
Colin: Total?
Kim: Yeah.
Lexi: Yes.
Colin: He says, “No, no, no.” He just… you… your attempts at… at conversation are to no avail, and he says, “No, my father… where? What? No, my… oh no.” He’s [everyone laughs] getting more and more confused as time goes on.
Kim: [laughs] Nice.
Colin: Let’s do Dickie. Dickie, you’re last.
Ryan: What’s the… the spell… I assume it’s a hex, that makes a person like blow up like a balloon and start floating away?
Kim: Sure.
Ryan: Like in the movie. Dude, what’s that one called?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Lexi: That’s…
Kim: That’s just… I think that’s just Engorgio.
Lexi: Yeah.
Sequoia: Engorgio, probably.
Ryan: Engorgio? Okay.
Kim: That’s just a regular charm.
Ryan: Yeah, I’m gonna sling a hex at him. I’m gonna turn him into a balloon.
Sequoia: Charm.
Colin: Okay, go for it.
Ryan: Oh, that’s a charm?
Kim: Yeah. I mean…
Ryan: I’m way better at hexes.
Kim: We could say there’s a hex that…
Sequoia: Yeah, we could say it’s a hex.
Kim: I think there’s a hex that makes someone blow up.
Sequoia: Whatever one’s higher.
[dice roll]
Kim: Why not?
Ryan: Minus one… a plus three overall for my hex.
Colin: He gets a little bit like… he looks like he was stung by a bunch of bees for a bit.
Ryan: Okay. [everyone laughs] All right.
Colin: But he doesn’t float away, he just looks like he’s having an allergic reaction all over his body. And he says, “I’ll get you for this, Potter! When I tell my faaather how you made those… how you made me puff up…” [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh, nice.
Colin: “…he’ll have you torn to shreds!” Then he… he… he flings his cape around himself and sort of starts hobbling away from you as fast as he can, trying to make a dramatic exit, you can tell, but since he’s sort of plump and balloony he’s just sort waddling away down the hall.
Kim: Oh no, we have to help Draco!
Ryan: “We can’t let him get away!” Yeah, can we, like, get him in a headlock? Sort of freeze him?
Sequoia: “Guys, there’s something wrong with him!”
Kim: What’s the… whose turn is it right now, Colin?
Lexi: It’s yours.
Kim: My turn?
Colin: Let’s see. We went through everybody so we’ll just go to my right. Blaise.
Sequoia: Oh, it’s my turn. “You guys.”
Kim: I’m getting my wand.
Sequoia: “There’s something wrong with Draco! We have to help, okay?”
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: So I am going to… ummm… shit. [laughter]
Kim: Use a physical skill instead of magic is my vote.
Lexi: Yes.
Sequoia: Oh god. Okay.
Lexi: ‘Cause you’re still buff, probably.
Sequoia: Am I still buff?
Colin: Oh, yeah! Your buff is just starting to wear off.
Lexi: Do something before it’s gone!
Sequoia: Okay, I am going to…
Colin: But you’re still buff.
Sequoia: …run and physically restrain Draco. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Nice.
Kim: Kinda tackle him?
Colin: Okay, Draco is hobbling away and you… yes. You try to physically restrain him. What did you get?
Kim: That’s a zero.
Ryan: Zero.
Sequoia: One.
Colin: Oh.
Kim: Plus her buff.
Colin: One. You… you grab onto him, but he’s able to push you off indignantly and keep sort of hobbling down the hall towards we don’t know where.
Sequoia: “Oh no. Guys!”
Kim: Okay, cool. Have I recovered my wand? I was going to get it, I guess.
Colin: Oh. Well, you have to tell me.
Kim: I… I’m… I’ve gone to recover my wand. Do I have it?
Colin: Yes, you have it.
Kim: Okay. Yeah, I’m gonna also not use magic, and I’m gonna try to run up the stairs and grab him.
Colin: Okay, great.
Sequoia: Goddamnit.
Colin: Go ahead and roll for it.
Kim: [dice roll] I got a two.
Sequoia: [whispering] You’re doing a great job.
Kim: Thanks.
Colin: Okay, you… you… you grab onto him. You sort of lunge and leap at him but you miss a little bit, so you’re just sort of, like, holding his cape as he walks away.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: But you’ve got a hold on him.
Kim: We’re doing so well.
Sequoia: Is he dragging Cyril along with him? Is he like… limps weirdly?
Colin: He’s about to start… yeah, he’s about to start dragging Cyril along.
Kim: He’s hobbling, though. He’s not going very fast.
Ryan: Can we just like dogpile him as a team?
Lexi: Luna remembers that we can use magic. Suddenly. And tries to cast Petrificus Totalus on him. [dice roll]
Colin: Ahhh.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Niiiiice.
Colin: Go for it.
Lexi: That’s a charm, right?
Kim: That’s a… I would say that’s a hex.
Ryan: A hex, yeah.
Kim: Jinx.
Lexi: A hex. A hex. Jinx. Okay, I got a plus one.
Colin: Okay.
Lexi: Plus one.
Colin: What?
Sequoia: Plus one.
Colin: Okay, plus one. Plus one. Yes. Because Draco failed his defence roll, he’s… the… the Petrificus Totalus charm strikes him, and it… and it… it appears to work. It restrains him, at least for the next couple minutes.
Kim: Nice. We got him.
Lexi: Woohoo!
Colin: Yes, he goes down and you all gather around him, but he’s still muttering about Potter. But as he goes on, he gets more and more confused. His words, they… they weren’t making much sense before, but they’re definitely not making any sense now. He… he doesn’t seem to know, really, where he is or what he’s been doing.
Lexi: Hmmm.
Kim: Nice.
Lexi: Luna strokes her moustache in confusion. [everyone laughs]
Kim: All right. Cool.
Ryan: Do I have…?
Sequoia: Does somebody have rapport?
Ryan: I do. I was gonna say, can I like try to talk to him? Try to, you know…
Colin: Yes.
Ryan: …talk some sense into him.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: Yes.
Ryan: I guess that’s a rapport thing.
Kim: Sure.
Lexi: Yeah.
Ryan: Yeah. I’m like, “Draco. Buddy. Pal. I’ve never met you before, but… but pal, what’s going on? How you… how you doing?”
Kim: You’ve probably met him before.
Ryan: [dice roll] And that is two and that… a minus… a mi… a plus one.
Sequoia: We are rolling so bad!
Lexi: So bad.
Kim: Nice. It’s good.
Colin: Okay, Draco doesn’t really seem to want to talk to you, but he does… he has a scared look in his eyes, and he says, “Where…? What? I don’t seem to… it all… [everyone laughs] I’ve… I believe I’ve been acting so strangely. Where’s Potter? Where is anyone? Where… what am I…? I… I… I never stay in the castle over Christmas. My family loves me. [more laughter] Something very strange is going on. I don’t feel… oh, Blaise, there you are, Slytherin friend. Wha… what’s going on?” He seems to kind of snap to for a second.
Kim: Nice. Blaise.
Sequoia: “I don’t know what’s going on. You… you tell me what it is. Did you go home?”
Colin: “No, I don’t think I ever…”
Sequoia: “Or have you just been here?”
Colin: “…went home. I don’t remember. I don’t remember anything before a couple days ago.”
Sequoia: “A couple days ago?”
Colin: “Yes. I don’t… everything before that is just a blur. I just sort of came to and it was Christmas and I don’t really know why I’m here or what I’ve been… what I’ve been… what I’ve been doing. All I know is that when I walked… when I walked by the library, something… something very strange… a strange light, and then… I was here.”
Kim: [whispering] Nice.
Sequoia: [whispering] The library.
Ryan: Let’s go to the library.
Lexi: The library.
Colin: He seems to be coming more and more to himself. He’s very embarrased. He’s looking down. He’s not wearing a shirt. Says, “Oh!” [everyone laughs] [then they laugh louder]
Kim: Ohhh, nice.
Colin: “I can’t have any of you seeing me like this. If my fatherrrrr…” [chokes on a laugh] [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “Draco, I think you should… I think you should go home.” [Kim laughs]
Colin: “Yes, I think maybe I’ll go… maybe I’ll go lie down. Maybe I’ll… yes.”
Lexi: Maybe.
Kim: I mean, he’s on the… he’s on the…
Colin: Yes.
Kim: He’s petrified on the floor right now, right?
Colin: “Maybe I’ll just…”
Lexi: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Lexi: Can we just leave him?
Colin: “…take a nap…”
Kim: Yeah, I think we can leave him here.
Colin: “…on the floor.”
Sequoia: Yeah, take a nap on the floor, Draco.
Colin: “Okay, okay.”
Sequoia: “It’ll feel… it’ll help you.”
Lexi: Take a rest.
Sequoia: “Feel… we’ll be back.”
Colin: Draco sort of eases slowly into unconsciousness as you leave him petrified on the floor.
Kim: I wanna invoke my prankster aspect. I can’t leave him just okay. Like… [everyone laughs] I’m gonna cast a jinx on him before we head out. I wanna cast…
Colin: You don’t even have to roll for it. He’s unconscious.
Kim: I wanna… I wanna cast boils on him.
Ryan: Ooooh.
Sequoia: Ohhhh, mean.
Lexi: Oh no.
Kim: I wanna cover him in boils.
Ryan: That’s a mean one.
Sequoia: What?
Lexi: You didn’t wanna just draw on his face or something? Just, like…
Kim: Nope.
Lexi: …a magic marker?
Sequoia: Yeah, you don’t wanna just draw a dick on his face?
Kim: Yeah. I’m gonna leave… I’m gonna leave boils in the shape of a dick on his face.
Lexi: Okay.
Ryan: Oh.
Colin: Okay.
Lexi: All right.
Ryan: That’s harsh.
Colin: Well, because you’re a jerk and he’s unconscious and petrified, you don’t have to roll for that. [everyone laughs] So you do that.
Kim: [laughs] Nice.
Colin: So that just happens to him. But you’re still… you’re at the top of the stairs in the Entrance Hall. You were gonna go to the library for your party.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But now we just gonna go to see some shit.
Colin: But now… yeah. Now you might have to go there for different reasons.
Lexi: Mmm.
Colin: So… so do you?
Kim: Well, I don’t wanna turn all… well, I do kind of wanna turn all shirtless and oily, but I wanna do it cause I wanna do it. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “I don’t know, because I don’t think that it just does the same thing to everyone. A). And b), Draco, the love of my life, needs…”
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: “…help.”
Kim: Great. “Well, you can stay with the slimy git. I’m going to find out what’s happening.”
Sequoia: “No, I’m co… I’m gonna… I’m coming.”
Kim: ‘Kay, let’s go.
Sequoia: Let’s go.
Colin: All right, you all…
Kim: Everybody else?
Ryan: Away.
Lexi: Luna’s already down the hall.
Kim: Luna’s already gone, okay. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: All right.
Kim: Everybody else has left. We were arguing. That’s fine.
Lexi: Yep.
Colin: You chase… you chase Luna down the hall and up the stairs to the library, and as you approach the doors to the library you see a blue swirling magical mass in front of the doors. Almost like a… like a hurricane of magical stuff. Of magical…
Sequoia: Ohhhh.
Colin: Of… of… a blue magical fog swirling in front of the door and impeding your entrance.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Oh.
Ryan: I have an aspect that I would like to invoke.
Lexi: Mhm?
Kim: Okay.
Ryan: And it’s pyromaniac. I would like to… [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh gee.
Kim: Ohhh.
Lexi: God.
Ryan: Whatever it is, I want it on fire. So, fire spell. Zoop!
Kim: Are you… are you invoking the aspect to give it a boost?
Ryan: I think so.
Kim: Or are you invoking it…?
Ryan: I just… I assume I’m, like, pretty good at fire spells, ‘cause I do it a lot. ‘Cause, you know, I just set fires all over the place.
Kim: All right.
Ryan: So I’m gonna throw a fire spell. Can I… can I do that? [dice roll]
Lexi: Sure.
Ryan: Ooh.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: So that’s…
Colin: Yeah, sure, roll for it.
Ryan: Okay, so that’s a plus three on the dice, and that’s an aspect. What is that? Like, a hex?
Kim: Do you want… that would be like a charm.
Ryan: Oh.
Kim: Do you want that to be one of your stunts, maybe?
Ryan: Yeah, we’ll say that.
Kim: So you get like a plus two to any fire magic you cast.
Ryan: Oh yeah, that would make sense.
Lexi: Costs a Fate Point, I think, right?
Kim: Well, if he’s invoking pyromaniac it would cost a Fate Point, but we haven’t allocated any stunts.
Colin: Yes.
Kim: So if he wants that to just be a stunt…
Sequoia: Then it doesn’t cost a Fate Point?
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: Okay.
Ryan: Okay, I do that.
Kim: I think that’s a reasonable stunt for his character.
Lexi: Yeah.
Ryan: Yes.
Colin: Yeah, I’ll… I’ll allow it.
Kim: So what did you…?
Ryan: Fire!
Colin: Okay so you do that. You cast a very fine fire spell at the blue magical fog. But it does nothing.
Ryan: Oooh!
Colin: It doesn’t… doesn’t seem to faze this… this portal.
Ryan: Huh.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Can we, like, throw something at it at?
Colin: I mean, you’re still…
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: You’re still at… at the end of the hall. You’re not even quite looking at it dead on.
Sequoia: Oh.
Colin: You’re sort of looking at the edge of this blue haze that is swirling in front of the door.
Sequoia: “Luna, go look at it.” [everyone laughs]
Lexi: “Okay.” [more laughter]
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: [laughing] Awesome.
Kim: That’s good. Send Luna.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: Okay, so Luna goes bounding up to the front of the portal, and it’s huge. It’s massive. It’s bigger than the doors, swirling in front of her. She can hear wind and things cracking inside of it, maybe a little bit of lightning. And out of the… out of the swirl starts to appear a face. The face of a… a… the soulless expression of…
Lexi: Ohh!
Colin: Yes. Of sort of a nondescript face staring at you. And then it opens its mouth and says, [deep, mystical voice] “If the library you will explore, answer me these questions four.”
Sequoia: Ahhhhhh! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh no. Oh no!
Lexi: Shit.
Ryan: Yes.
Kim: This is gonna go poorly. Let’s do this thing.
Lexi: I mean yay! Luna loves riddles.
Sequoia: Yeah, Ravenclaw. That’s some Ravenclaw shit.
Lexi: Let’s go.
Kim: “We’re all ready. I’m confident in myself.”
Colin: “All right, my first question. [laughs] Who is the lead vocalist for My Chemical Romance?”
Sequoia: Fuuuuuuuck.
Kim: I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t know that. Would any of us know that?
Ryan: No. I got nothing.
Sequoia: That’s… that’s in my brain somewhere.
Ryan: Luna, you have obscure knowledge.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, Luna, actually.
Lexi: Just magical shit.
Kim: Yeah, use…
Sequoia: What about the American, though?
Lexi: Yeah.
Ryan: I got nothin’ here guys. Sorry.
Sequoia: Oh Jesus.
Kim: He wouldn’t know it. Look at him.
Ryan: Look at me.
Lexi: Mmm.
Kim: The most likely of us to have a reason to know it just because they know weird shit…
Sequoia: Is Luna.
Kim: …is Luna.
Lexi: Can my… yeah, can My Chemical Romance secretly be a wizard band? Like, they’re all magical.
Colin: I… I think you can invoke a… yeah. I don’t know how hard these questions are gonna be.
Sequoia: Are these like invoking the My Immortal clause? [everyone laughs]
Colin: Yes. Yes. You are… you are literally invoking the My Immortal clause, so you can do that.
Lexi: Yes, okay.
Colin: And suddenly, Luna…
Lexi: Oh.
Colin: …it comes to you that the answer is Gerard Way.
Sequoia: I knew that!
Colin: Gerard Way.
Lexi: I had no idea.
Sequoia: Cool.
Lexi: “Gerard Way,” says Luna. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Says Luna. And the voice says, “Ahhh,” closing its mouth. “Very good.”
Kim: Nice.
Colin: “All right, for your second question… I don’t have rhymes for all of these, for some reason. The red… [everyone laughs] the redhead dame of misery business fame.
Kim: [laughing] Oh my god.
Colin: [laughs] Name… [everyone laughs] Name the lead singer of Paramore.
Kim: None of us have any reason to know any of this.
Sequoia: Fuuuuuuuuuck! I don’t know, I feel like Blaise would have really liked Paramore.
Lexi: Oh, no, yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You know.
Lexi: You could argue that.
Kim: You’re… you’re a pureblood, though. Do you listen to Muggle music?
Lexi: To Muggle music?
Sequoia: Muggle music?
Kim: On the sly?
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Lexi: You should totally be…
Sequoia: Probably on the sly, though.
Lexi: That’d be a fun little secret.
Sequoia: Yeah, especially Paramore. Fuck, I know her name, too, and I’m really upset about it. So can I… can I do something to… what would I do? What is that?
Kim: Spend a Fate Point to say that you know some Muggle bands?
Lexi: But would you admit to that? Like…
Sequoia: Probably not.
Lexi: You can say, maybe, like, spin it. Like, oh, I’ve heard…
Sequoia: “My sister listens to them.”
Lexi: There we go.
Colin: Yeah, go for it.
Sequoia: Yeah, is… is that a thing I can do?
Colin: Okay, sure, I…
Sequoia: I don’t wanna, like, waste my Fate Points.
Colin: Yeah, sure, all right.
Ryan: Wait, are you, like, deceiving the door?
Kim: We can get ‘em… we should be able to get ‘em back.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: We just haven’t…
Sequoia: I did it. There we go. I sent a Fate Point.
Colin: Okay, you spend a Fate Point to realise somewhere in the back of your mind that the answer is Hayley Williams.
Sequoia: Goddamnit! [everyone laughs]
Colin: Come on, that one should have been… okay.
Sequoia: I know.
Colin: All right. All right. And then… all right, the face says, “Mmm. Very good.”
Sequoia: Oh god. Why’s everything…
Colin: “Now, for your third question,” and he sort of spins and reconstitutes himself, and he says, “Mmmmm.”
Sequoia: Ughh!
Colin: “Who is the cutest member of Fall Out Boy?”
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “That’s not a fair question, ‘cause that’s very subjective, swirling man in the f…”
Colin: “It has one…” And the swirling man says, “It has one answer.”
Sequoia: [laughing] What a dick.
Kim: “Do you… do you not know this one, Blaise?”
Sequoia: “No.”
Kim: Anyone?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Do we wanna just, like, say a random name? Or do we wanna try to dissipate the mist?
Ryan: I feel good about my odds of deceiving the mist by saying, “Oh, it’s, um, of course, it’s guhhmmmrrrr.”
Sequoia: Oh good, I like that plan.
Kim: Yeah, that’s a great plan.
Lexi: It’s great.
Colin: Okay, you’re gonna have to roll… roll pretty high for that one.
Sequoia: Oh, I should have done it.
Ryan: [dice roll] Plus… plus one. Just a plus one. [Kim laughs]
Lexi: Oops.
Sequoia: [whispering] I should have done it.
Colin: “Okay, that is not correct.”
Kim: No way that worked.
Ryan: Oh, no.
Colin: “Unfortunately, you must now be punished.” And then…
Kim, Lexi & Sequoia: Oh no!
Ryan: Oh shit. Sorry guys!
Colin: …he reconstitutes himself, and from outside the smoke pops two level five hobgoblins.
Sequoia: Whaaaaaat!
Lexi: Ohhhhh nooooo!
Kim: [laughing] Nice.
Colin: They’re brandishing spears and coming right towards you with death in their eyes.
Kim: Okay.
Lexi: Ohhh.
Colin: Okay.
Ryan: Is Blaise still buff?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Is what?
Ryan: Blaise still buff.
Sequoia: I doubt it.
Kim: No, definitely not.
Colin: No, Blaise’s muscles wore off.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Ryan: Can I try to buff her again? That was funny.
Kim: Could.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Or we could fight them with magic.
Ryan: That is magic! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I would like to…
Kim: What… did… did you say they were armed?
Lexi: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah, they have spears and shields. They’re… they’re ready to go.
Kim: Cool.
Lexi: Can anyone go?
Kim: Who… who should go first? What do you think, Colin? Who’s ready?
Colin: Who wants to go first?
Kim: Luna’s in front.
Lexi: “I’m in front. I’m ready.” Luna’s ready.
Colin: Okay, Luna, go for it.
Lexi: “Expelliarmus!” On the closer hobgoblin.
Colin: Sweet.
Lexi: Great. [dice roll] Not so great. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Minus two. How’s your… how’s your…
Lexi: Charms?
Kim: I think that’s a…
Lexi: Or…
Kim: Thats more of a…
Lexi: What is Expelliarmus?
Kim: …jinx? What do you think?
Sequoia: That’s a jinx.
Lexi: It’s a jinx?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You use that in a duel.
Kim: Yeah, that’s for duelling. Jinxes are more for… that is a minus one.
Lexi: Minus one.
Colin: Oooh, okay. Yeah, the hobgoblin is still rushing towards you. It hasn’t reached you yet, but he is right on top of you.
Kim: Great.
Lexi: Aghhh!
Sequoia: Who’s next?
Colin: Who wants to go next? Dickie. Let’s do Dickie.
Ryan: “I’m not half bad…”
Sequoia: Oh jeez.
Ryan: “…at hexes and jinxes myself.”
Kim: Good.
Ryan: “I’m gonna do an Expelliarmus.”
Colin: Okay.
Ryan: “Expelliarmus!”
Kim: Why wouldn’t you light them on fire?
Sequoia: Why don’t you petrify them or light them on fire?
Ryan: Oh, which one’s better?
Lexi: Your pyrotechnical…
Ryan: Should I fire?
Sequoia: Petrify them.
Kim: Light them on fire.
Ryan: I’m liking fire.
Sequoia: No.
Ryan: Fire is always good.
Lexi: Yeah, yeah, yeah, fire.
Ryan: I do love fire.
Lexi: Luna’s also next to them, but be aware… be aware of that.
Ryan: Fire…
Sequoia: Yeah, now just, like, a fireball is…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: …running down Luna.
Kim: Do it.
Ryan: Fire jinx of an unknown radius. [dice roll] Minus two, plus four. A plus two.
Colin: Okay, you cast a… a… a fireball, and it hits the first hobgoblin square in the chest.
Ryan: Yeah.
Sequoia: Wooo!
Colin: He’s knocked down. He looks unconscious.
Kim: Nice.
Lexi: Ahh.
Colin: The other one is still coming for you. And we’ll do Sirius. We’ll do Cyril. Ready?
Kim: Nice. Cyril’s ready. Cyril’s ready. Cyril is going to transfigure the goblin’s spear into a snake. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: [laughing] Nice.
Sequoia: That’s… that’s… that’s…
Kim: I’m doing it.
Sequoia: …barely helpful.
Ryan: Nice.
Kim: I’m doin’ it. Maybe it’ll bite him. [dice roll] That is a plus four.
Colin: Okay, yes. You transfigure the hobgoblin’s spear into a snake, and he stops mid-step to look at it, very confused. [laughter] And the snake does look like it… it’s wrapped around his hand. It looks like it’s gonna bite him. Blaise, what do you do?
Sequoia: I am going to petrify him. [laughter]
Colin: Okay.
Sequoia: Jesus!
Kim: I helped!
Sequoia: [dice roll] What’s that? I still don’t know what the numbers are.
Ryan: Plus one? On the roll.
Kim: That’s a plus one, plus whatever your skill is.
Sequoia: Plus four.
Lexi: Ooh.
Colin: Ooh, plus four. Yes, you petrify him and the snake totally, and they fall flat on the floor.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: Good job, everybody.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: “Good job, everybody,” says the face as it comes back. [everyone laughs] “You’ve passed that trial.”
Ryan: Thank you, door.
Kim: Oh, are there…?
Colin: “But there’s still one question.”
Lexi: Oh.
Sequoia: Hmmm.
Colin: “And that question is…”
Sequoia: Oh shit.
Kim: Who is the cutest member of Fall Out Boy?
Sequoia: I don’t know. But they all look the same. There’s… there’s… there’s just one of them.
Kim: Is it…?
Lexi: So true.
Kim: Is Pete Wentz one of them? Is that a different band?
Colin: “That was the answer. That was the answer.”
Kim, Lexi, Ryan & Sequoia: Oohhhhhhh.
Colin: Should’ve just…
Kim: Sirius wouldn’t know that! Sirius wouldn’t know that.
Colin: And then the face… the face looks around for a second and he realises, “Oh, yeah, what I had planned to do with that question won’t work the way things are set up.” And he says, “So you passed the THREE questions.” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] What just happened?
Colin: “You won’t be able… I was going to play a clip of a song for you, but you won’t be able to hear it.”
Sequoia: Oh.
Colin: “‘Cause of the way I have things set up inside my blue mist.” [everyone laughs] So the three questions were passed and the doors to the library swing open, and it’s dark. Completely dark, except for one table at the very end of the hallway with a light and a lone figure sitting there. She seems… the figure appears to be writing something.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Let’s go talk to her.
Ryan: How about a light charm? It’s kinda dark in here.
Kim: Sure.
Ryan: I’d like to be able to see where we’re going.
Colin: Right.
Ryan: I’m not very good at charms. Someone else do that.
Lexi: I’m pretty good at charms.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: Well, if you just wanna cast Lumos, you don’t have to roll for it.
Kim: Yeah.
Lexi: Oh, wonderful. We all cast Lumos.
Kim: We all cast Lumos.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: Okay, you all cast Lumos, and you highlight the figure of a fifteen… what appears to be a fifteen year old girl. Let’s see. She is… she has long dark hair with what appear to be pink streaks in it. She’s wearing a hoodie with the hood sort of pulled up half over her head, and you can see that she has thumb holes poked through the sleeves.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Yes!
Colin: She’s also wearing… she is also wearing a studded belt from Hot Topic, boot cut jeans and black Converse that she has doodled in Sharpie on.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Goooood.
Lexi: Oh my god.
Kim: Oh, she’s amazing.
Sequoia: She’s great. She’s me.
Kim: Sequoia.
Sequoia: What’s happening?
Kim: Do you have social network as a skill, Sequoia?
Sequoia: Yes, I do.
Lexi: Ohh.
Kim: You should roll to see if you know who it is.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here I go.
Kim: Perhaps she’s another student at Hogwarts.
Sequoia: [dice roll] What’s that?
Kim: Can’t see all of ‘em. That’s a two plus… no, that’s a one plus whatever your skill is.
Lexi: Yeah.
Sequoia: Three.
Kim: Sequoia got a three.
Colin: A three. Yes. You don’t remember seeing this person at Hogwarts before, but somewhere in your memory, somehow you know that this is Jelisandra de Fay, a very powerful young witch.
Sequoia: Ahhhhhhhhhhh! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Jelisandra. That’s a great name.
Sequoia: That’s great. That’s great.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Okay. She’s… so she’s very powerful.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: She’s obviously conjured some sort of thing. Or something has happened where she’s got this thing that just pops out hobgoblins. So…
Kim: Yeah.
Lexi: Yes.
Sequoia: But she’s really…
Kim: That’s odd.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, let’s go talk to her.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Colin: Okay.
Lexi: Yes.
Colin: You go talk. You go and talk to her. [everyone laughs] Or, you go… you approach her and she sits up from her chair. She notices you, and she says, “Stop, mortal!” And she… she points what looks like a wand at you for a second, but it’s actually a Pilot G2 from the notebook she’s been writing in.
Ryan: That’s a good pen.
Colin: And she says, “Stop or I will cast one of my most powerful charms on you!”
[pause]
Sequoia & Lexi: Uhhhhhhh?
Sequoia: Does anybody have, like, rapport?
Ryan: Yeah, can I… can I try to strike up a rapport with her?
Kim: Sure.
Ryan: I’ll say, “Hey, whatcha writing in there… bud?” [laughter]
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus.
Ryan: “Whatcha doing with your Pilot? I like your belt.” [dice roll] I rolled a… just a plus two overall.
Kim: We’re so good at this.
Sequoia: We are so bad.
Ryan: “Like what you did with your sneakers!”
Colin: She says, “This is where I keep my most experimental magics and the spells that I’m creating,” and she shows you the inside of the notebook, but it looks kind of like just… like just pages. It… it could be like a diary or it could be like… like, just a… just a notebook. Scratch notebook. There’s doodles in the corners. It… for all intents and purposes it looks like a, you know, a fifteen year old girl’s notebook.
Lexi: Hm.
Sequoia: “Can I… uhhhhhh… oh jeez.”
Kim: You could try…
Sequoia: I…
Kim: …like an empathy?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Lexi: Yes. Yeah.
Kim: To try to, like, sense her emotional state or whatever. I don’t know.
Lexi: Yeah, she seems really troubled, so I’m gonna… I’m gonna see what’s going on in that little brain…
Colin: Okay.
Lexi: …of hers.
Colin: Okay, go for it.
Lexi: [dice roll] I did pretty well. Let’s see.
Kim: Thatt’s a… five.
Lexi: Five. Got a plus five.
Colin: Oh, wow. Okay. That’s a good roll. Yes, you… you start talking to Jelisandra. You’re sort of talking her down, and again… and kind of like with Draco before, her eyes sort of… they had a glazed over look before, but now they’re… she seems like she’s coming to for a second, and she says, “Oh. I… yeah, you wanted to know about my emotional state. I guess it’s just… I don’t know… you know, things have been hard ever since Mom and Dad got divorced, I guess. I mostly just sort of like, I don’t know, I’m really into music and, like, there… there’s this cute guy in my class and he’s in a band, which is cool. His name is Derek. [everyone laughs] And he…”
Sequoia: Fucking Derek.
Lexi: Derek!
Colin: And he invited me to go… I don’t know if it was, like, a date. It was, like, kind of. It was not not a date. [everyone laughs] But he, like, invited me to go his band practice with his friends, which I thought was cool ‘cause like [wobbly voice] I… I… I like that. That’s cool. But I was just sitting in a smelly basement with him and his friends for a couple of hours, and it was so loud, and I didn’t even really get to talk to him. I thought that was really lame.” And then she sort of like clams back up, and then looks at you, aghast.
[pause]
Sequoia: “So we should petrify her, ‘cause that’s what we did last time with the other one that did that.”
Ryan: Yeah, it worked on…
Kim: No, I’m gonna say, “You know… you know, I’m in a band.” [everyone laughs]
Lexi: Oh, my.
Sequoia: Yes, yes, yes! That, that, that! That! [more laughter]
Kim: And I’m gonna use… I’m gonna use rapport.
Ryan: Nice.
Sequoia: Oh my goooooood.
Kim: To tell her that I’m in a band. [dice roll] Ohhh boy. [everyone laughs] I got a zero.
Colin: Ohhh. She says, “Oh. Oh. That’s… okay, that’s cool. I just don’t remember.”
Kim: You know what? Actually, I’m gonna invoke, almost as cool as he thinks he is, one of my aspects.
Colin, Lexi, Ryan & Sequoia: Ooooh.
Colin: Yeah, name me a fake band.
Kim: To say that… that my band is really cool.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: “I…”
Sequoia: This is so great.
Kim: “I’m the lead singer.”
Colin: “Oh, really? What kind of…?”
Kim: “Of my band.”
Colin: “Okay. What kind of band is it? Is it, like, rock, or, like, emo, or like alternative?”
Kim: “You know, wizard rock.”
Colin: “Oh, wizard rock. Like, yeah, like, wizard… oh my gosh! I’m really really into Harry Potter. Are you… like, that’s one of my… I know it’s silly, but I like to, like, come up with my own characters.” And… and then she looks… she sees the confused look on your… on your face.
Kim: “Harry Potter is a person.”
Sequoia: “So you, like… so you… so you, LIKE like him? You like… you like like Harry Potter, is what you’re saying?”
Colin: “No, I just… I’m really… I just…” And then she looks confused for a second. She’s like, “I don’t remember… where am I? How did I get here? I don’t… everything just seems to go fuzzy before a… a couple of days ago. I remember Derek and the band. I don’t remember how I got here.”
Lexi: “Have you been here all winter break?”
Colin: “I… hey, you’re Luna Lovegood. Right?”
Lexi: “Yes I am. Yeah. Hello.”
Colin: “And you’re Blaise Zabini.”
Sequoia: “Preseeent!”
Colin: “And you’re… and you’re… you’re…”
Kim: “I’m Cyril Gray. I’ve been here for months. You don’t know me?” [everyone laughs]
Colin: “That’s right, that’s right. I forgot. Sirius Black but aged down for romantic purposes.”
Kim: “Nnnnno. No. I don’t know who that is.”
Ryan: “Wait a minute.”
Lexi: “Hold on.”
Kim: “That guy… that guy’s a murderer and is not me. That’s an adult person.” [everyone laughs]
Colin: “This is all so weird. If only I could remember everything that happened. If only there were some kind of…”
Ryan: “Heyyy, isn’t there some sort of…?”
Colin: “If only.”
Sequoia: Memory potion.
Colin: “…potion that… could restore my memory.”
Lexi: The poop!
Sequoia: We’re dumb.
Kim: What? No, we’re not!
Sequoia: Ohhh, just have to be led everywhere by the hand.
Kim: Oh, we should have stolen those.
Ryan: “Hey! Hey! I’ve still got some poop in my robe! We could try to brew one of those up. I don’t know how. Anyone know any potions?”
Lexi: I have weird magic knowledge.
Kim: Let’s just go take them from Snape.
Ryan: That’s way easier.
Sequoia: “Okay, here’s the thing. It’s a lot easier if we just restrain this girl also, and just, like, have her, and just put her and Draco in a sort of restrained state.”
Kim: “I don’t know, she seems pretty cool.”
Ryan: “Yeah, she seems harmless.”
Sequoia: “Oh my god.”
Kim: “I could just hang out here with her, alone in the library.”
Sequoia: “No!”
Lexi: Uh oh.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: “Tell her about my band.”
Sequoia: “You don’t have a band, Cyril.”
Kim: “Yeah I do. Me and my buddies, you know. Not James. Uhhh. [everyone laughs] What’s a name… of a person…?”
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: “Friends.”
Sequoia: “So it seems to me that the best way to save Draco and whatever this person’s name is also I guess, would be to go get that memory potion. Snape is probably too drunk to even know what’s going on at this point, so we could just probably, like, walk in and grab it.”
Kim: “That sounds reasonable.”
Ryan: Yeah, let’s do it.
Colin: Okay, right. Are you gonna take Jelisandra with you?
Sequoia: “We gotta do something with this bitch.”
Kim: Yeah, we should take her with us.
Lexi: Yeah.
Kim: Does somebody wanna take the journal, maybe? Or the pen.
Lexi: I’ll walk with her.
Kim: Just borrow a pen.
Sequoia: I just…
Kim: Oh! I’ve struck up a rapport with her, right?
Lexi: Oh, there you go.
Sequoia: Yes, yes, yes.
Colin: Yes, yes, you have.
Kim: I need to… I’m gonna ask her to borrow her pen to give her my number.
Sequoia: Nice. And then you’re gonna keep it?
Colin: Oh, and then she says, “Yeah, yeah, you can have my pen. Here, just write it on my hand.”
Kim: I do that. And then…
Colin: And then you just write a string of numbers on her hand.
Kim: Yeah. [everyone laughs] Yup. Yup. And then I’m gonna…
Colin: ‘Cause you’re a wizard and you don’t know how telephones are.
Kim: Yup. I know they exist though.
Lexi: Yeah.
Colin: She looks at the string of numbers and says, “Oh, that’s… I guess I’m not used to European phone numbers.” [everyone laughs]
Kim: I’m gonna pocket the pen.
Sequoia: Wait.
Colin: And then she grabs her her notebook and you all head back down towards the dungeons. You can hear that the party is… the… the Christmas Rager is in full swing across the hall.
Sequoia: Great.
Colin: You… you head into the Potions room, and you see a cauldron that you assume is full of… full of the potion that Snape has just brewed out of the rainbow poop and various other ingredients.
Ryan: Does it…?
Kim: Does anyone have, like, a academic knowledge to know if the potion’s done or not?
Lexi: Yes. Luna should. Yes, she does.
Kim: Yeah, you could attempt…
Colin: Oh, Luna.
Lexi: Yeah.
Kim: Right?
Lexi: Luna… Luna walks over to the cauldron, kinda [sniffs] sniffs it a little bit, [clicks tongue] dabs her finger in it and tastes it. [dice roll]
Colin: It smells like cinammon rolls.
Kim: [laughs] Oh no.
Ryan: Oh shoot.
Sequoia: Luna, what the fuck?
Ryan: That’s a lot of ones.
Lexi: Minus one.
Sequoia: Minus one.
Colin: Oh.
Lexi: For academic knowledge.
Colin: You don’t know any… yeah, you can’t tell anything about this potion. You say, “It looks good, smells good.”
Lexi: “Tasted yummy.”
Colin: “Think it’s gonna be all right.”
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Anybody else wanna try?
Sequoia: I… I have nothing.
Ryan: I’ll take a big ol’ slurp of it.
Kim: Okay.
Ryan: And just see if I have any new memories come back. I don’t…
Sequoia: I mean we could.
Kim: Yeah?
Ryan: I’m gonna slurp a little.
Kim: Okay, great.
Ryan: Is there like a ladle nearby, or am I just dunking my hand?
Colin: Yeah. Oh, yeah, there’s a big ladle in… in… in the cauldron, yeah.
Ryan: A ladle. Okay. Yeah, I’ll take a big old gulp.
Colin: So you take a gulp, and you… you let it… let it sit for a second… and you don’t remember anything new. But you… nothing… nothing else happens.
Ryan: “Well, that could have gone worse. I’d say we give it to her.”
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Yeah, we’ll see.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: “We try it out on this one, and then if it works then we’ll go give some to Drakey.” [laughter]
Kim: Great. [pause] “Hey, you wanna… you wanna drink some stuff?”
Colin: Jelisandra says, “I don’t know about this.”
Kim: “It’s…”
Colin: “I don’t really…”
Kim: “That guy drank some.”
Ryan: “It’s good. Cinnamony”
Colin: “Guess he was okay.”
Ryan: Yeah.
Colin: “I’m not sure anything really bad can happen to me here.” So she takes a slurp of the potion.
Kim: Good.
Colin: And after about a second you see the light come back into her eyes and she’s like, “Woah, hey, I remember! I remember I…”
Kim: It’s gonna work.
Colin: “Yeah, I remember all of you. You’re my friends. You guys are my… you guys are my… my… my friends. My characters. How have you… what is this place?”
Sequoia: “Your what now?”
Kim: “Yeah, what?”
Colin: She sort of…
Lexi: “I think she’s still confused.”
Colin: …glances off and says…
Kim: “This girl’s mad Confunded yo.”
Colin: “No, I… I… I recognise you guys. Blaise and Cyril and Luna.”
Kim: “That’s me.”
Colin: “And, oh, Dickie! Yeah, Dick from…”
Ryan: “Yeah, that’s me.”
Colin: “…that one story. I’m Jess. Jess Saville. Have we been introduced?”
Sequoia: “I mean…”
Kim: “No?”
Sequoia: “What?”
Colin: “Yeah, yeah, it’s… it’s just Jess. Not… not Jessie. Jess. From Takoma.”
Kim: “Oh. Are you another… exchange student?”
Colin: “Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I guess I am. Hey, what’s… what’s… what’s going on? What’s…?”
Kim: “Uhhh.”
Ryan: Can we… I… I say to Jess, I say, “Can we look in that notebook of yours? What’s… what have you got written there, bud?”
Colin: Yeah, and then she… she shows you the notebook. And she opens it up and it’s… well, you thumb through it and you don’t really know what to make of it. But people who aren’t you might recognise it as Harry Potter fanfiction. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: “Huh. Well, well, ain’t… ain’t that somethin’?”
Kim: So it… it seems like it’s just, like, a bunch of stories about things… maybe things that have happened recently?
Lexi: To us?
Colin: Yeah. It’s a bunch of stories about… about you. All of you. With descriptions of all of you, down to the letter, and things that have been happening in the castle recently. You see the description of Draco, and you even see the vampires you remember from before, and the unicorns. It’s all there.
Lexi: Oh.
Sequoia: Are we fighting the vampires in the story?
Kim: We did earlier.
Colin: Yeah, it’s… it’s pretty much as it… as it went down. It’s pretty much as it happened. And then Jess just…
Kim: Oh.
Colin: …takes it, and she says, “Yeah, sorry, that’s just my stories. It’s just kind of fun. I don’t know, it’s kind of embarrassing, but I just like to… you know, I like… I really…” And then she flips to the back and she’s like, “Oh, that little shit. I saw him. I told him not to write in here. I’m sorry, guys. [everyone laughs] It was my… it was my little brother. He’s keeping his dumb ass D&D notes in the back of here. [more laughter] And there’s stuff about, like, hobgoblins, and all this lame stuff. And anyway…”
Sequoia: “Just, like, a really quick question, Jess. How do you feel about Pete Wentz?”
Colin: “Oh, he is for sure the cutest member of Fall Out Boy. [everyone laughs] Huge crush. Huge, huge crush.”
Ryan: So can we have, like, a side discussion about free will and…? Is that… no we probably shouldn’t. Never mind. [laughter] Best not to. Carry on.
Kim: Okay.
Lexi: “So.”
Kim: “Sooo I say we destroy the notebook.”
Ryan: “Oh, I don’t… I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. Hold on.”
Colin: “No, you can’t destroy my notebook!”
Kim: “It’s controlling…”
Colin: “That’s my…”
Kim: “It’s controlling our lives!”
Colin: “But it’s all… guys, it’s all my stories. All my, you know, it’s where when I feel… you know. Like. I have a… have a strong connection to these characters and these people that I’ve created, and I don’t wanna just let them go. Don’t wanna destroy them. I can’t. I can’t let you destroy my notebook.”
Sequoia: “Well here’s the thing. Your notebook is doing some evil stuff. It’s clearly evil. I would know. [everyone laughs] And, like, as cool as I find that pretty generally, I would say that this is the kind of evil that is interfering with my personal safety, I would think. [more laughter] Like, vampires attacking in the woods? Not cool. Not fun. Right? It was, you know, two versus one. I don’t know why you did that to me but, you know, that’s fine, that’s fine.”
Colin: She says, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Blaise. I didn’t… I never meant to put you in any danger that you couldn’t get out of. I mean, you always do seem to get out in the end. But…”
Sequoia: “I do!”
Kim: Blaise is really into that.
Lexi: Yup. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: She’s into it.
Lexi: You seem to be very…
Kim: She’s like…
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: Doing some voguing.
Lexi: [laughing] Voguing.
Kim: I don’t know.
Sequoia: Visual bit.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “So how long have you had your notebook?”
Colin: “Let’s just say I won’t, you know, I won’t write… I won’t write anything more. Not until we figure out what’s going on here. Hey, I remember…”
Kim: That sounds reasonable.
Colin: “I remember this bright flash of light, and going through, like, a tunnel, and there were three… two… two or three people there, and they… I think that’s how I got here. I think some kind of magic, some some wizards or or witches might have… and this is gonna sound strange. I think they might have taken me out of my world, Takoma, Washington, and… and put me into yours. Into Hogwarts. Does that make sense? I… I don’t think, like, I belong here. I feel like I’ve been taken against my will.”
[pause]
Ryan: “Jess, where… where… what’s the first thing you remember seeing here? Kind of in the Hogwarts neighborhood? Where did you…?”
Colin: “I was… I remember…”
Ryan: “Where did you come out of this tunnel?”
Colin: “I remember I came out… I was next to Dumbledore’s office, ‘cause that’s where my story left off.”
Ryan: Huh.
Sequoia: Hmm.
Colin: “And there were those two figures, but then I was in the library, and then I was Jelisandra, MY character. The most powerful and beautiful witch.” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Yes! Yess!
Colin: “I don’t… and it’s all very hazy. All very fuzzy. I’m sorry to… to get you guys into this mess. I… I… that’s all I remember. I was outside of Dumbledore’s office. All these strange things started happening. And then I couldn’t tell if I was dreaming, or if I was writing, or if this was really happening to me. Anyway, I’m sorry to have caused you guys trouble.”
Sequoia: [sighs] “I guess we should… I guess we should go…”
Kim: I mean…
Sequoia: “…there, like…?”
Kim: “I’m not into the way I am right now. [everyone laughs] I don’t wanna get into what’s gone down recently, but I’m into fixing whatever’s going on.”
Sequoia: “So we should go to Dumbledore’s office? That general areaaaa?”
Kim: “Yeah.”
Lexi: “Yes.”
Ryan: “Sounds reasonable.”
Lexi: “Let’s go.”
Ryan: “Yeah.”
Colin: Okay.
Ryan: “Come on.”
Sequoia: “All right, Jess.”
Ryan: “Jess.” I guess we’re bringing Jess along.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Of course we’re bringing Jess along.
Ryan: For everything.
Kim: She seems cool.
Colin: Yeah, you’re bringing Jess along. She’s your new friend. Take care of her.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: “She likes that I’m in a band, I assume.” I’ve assumed that.
Colin: Yeah, so you’re… you’re heading up and she’s like, “So what kinda… what kinda band are you in, Sirius? Are you…”
Kim: “You know, wizard…”
Sequoia: Sirius.
Kim: [laughing] “Wizard rock.” I don’t notice that she said that.
Ryan: Can I try to be…?
Kim: I’m excited to talk about myself, so I tell her about front manning a wizard rock band.
Ryan: Can I be like your… your… your hype man. and say like, “Oh, yeah, man, I’ve been to all their shows. They’re so good. [laughter] Cyril here is such a good singer. He’s real… he’s real good at that music stuff.” Just for no real reason.
Sequoia: Just, like, ssss… Dickie, you’re such a great wingman.
Kim: Yeah, it’s good.
Ryan: And… and then, like, when nobody else is like… then I look at Cyril. I’m like, I got you bro. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Friendship.
Colin: A very good friend.
Sequoia: Friendship.
Kim: Sirius isn’t lying, I think. He was… he and James and those guys…
Lexi: Were in a band?
Kim: …definitely played music.
Sequoia: Oh, I’m sure they had a band.
Lexi: Were they… was it all of the Marauders?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh, sure.
Kim: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Lexi: Of course.
Sequoia: Absolutely.
Lexi: Checks out.
Sequoia: Okay. So we’re going to Dumbledore’s office area.
Colin: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: You are.
Sequoia: Where Jess remembers showing up.
Colin: You are headed all the way up to the seventh floor, I believe.
Kim: Sure, why not?
Lexi: Is Draco still just, like, laying down in the…?
Kim: You know.
Ryan: Taking a nap.
Sequoia: He’s fine.
Colin: Draco’s fine.
Kim: Is he where we left him?
Colin: Draco’s…
Kim: Are we going up the grand staircase? Do we run into him again?
Lexi: Can we step on him as we pass?
Sequoia: I think Draco’s still there.
Colin: You know, I think maybe the house elves cleared him out and put him out. [everyone laughs] And he maybe just crawled back to bed.
Kim: That sounds right. Fine.
Lexi: Yeah.
Colin: Well, you head up to Dumbledore’s office, and everything is very quiet. The door… you’re at the end of the hall and you can see, at the other end where his office is, the door is slightly ajar. But there’s no… there’s… there’s a faint light coming from inside, and then there’s the moonlight coming in from the windows, but everything is still and dark and quiet.
[pause]
Sequoia: So we go in.
Kim: To Dumbledore’s office? We don’t know the password.
Sequoia: I thought the door was…
Ryan: The door was…
Sequoia: The door was open.
Colin: The door was ajar.
Ryan: The door was ajar? Oh, to the office.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Lexi: Let’s go.
Kim: We’re not gonna do the standing outside Dumbledore’s office…
Sequoia: Office, waiting… [everyone laughs]
Kim: No, I’m kidding, okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, let’s fucking go.
Kim: We go in. I’m going.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Lexi: Yeah.
Sequoia: I’m going.
Colin: You peek…
Sequoia: “Anything for Drakey.”
Lexi: Luna’s already there.
Sequoia: [through laughter] Luna’s already inside! [everyone laughs]
Colin: [laughing] Luna’s already inside. Luna’s peeping through the door and she sees the eerie… the eerie glow coming from inside. And it’s not like the Dumbledore’s office you might recognise. Everything has been cleared out. Tables have been overturned, and drawers are opened, and in the center there’s a… there’s an arcane symbol drawn in the center of the floor with candles at each point, and you see three… you see two figures. Two figures and a pedastal beside them.
Sequoia: The fuck?
Colin: And the two figures appear to be chanting, performing some sort of ritual. And you wonder what’s happened to Dumbledore, [everyone gasps] but you see that the symbol is painted with blood.
Lexi: Oh god. [more gasps from everyone]
Kim: This is some spooky ass shit.
Ryan: What’s the symbol look like?
Colin: It looks like a pentagram but cooler. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: Nice. That’s cool.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Okay.
Colin: And then…
Kim: How about we…
Colin: …the… the tallest figure standing in the center throws his hood back and he says, “Ahhh. We’ve been expecting you.”
Kim: Oh shit. We didn’t even sneak very well.
Sequoia: Fuuuuck.
Kim: We never do.
Ryan: We kinda just walked right into the office.
Kim: That’s true. Okay, he throws his hood back. Who is it? Is it someone we recognise?
Colin: No, it’s not someone you recognise. The… the second figure… well, let’s see. The… the first figure, the one… the one speaking to you, looks like your classical sorcerer with the long wizard’s robe, with the… with the wizard sleeves, and he’s wearing a necklace full of jewels, and he has a long pointed black goatee and moustache.
Sequoia: Nice.
Lexi: Ohhh.
Sequoia: Nice.
Ryan: Very evil sounding.
Lexi: The best.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Colin: He looks at you, and the second figure throws back his hood, and he has a short black bowl cut, pointed ears, and he’s wearing a blue… a very tight blue outfit. But he also has a… he has a short, neatly cropped black goatee. And then on the pedestal…
Kim: What is happening?
Colin: Next to the…
Sequoia: Oh no.
Colin: On the other side of the tallest figure there is a just a gold ring sitting on a pillow. But the gold ring looks at you.
Kim: [whispering] Oh my god.
Colin: Sort of addresses you menacingly. [everyone laughs]
Lexi: What?
Kim: Oh my goood.
Sequoia: Whaaaat?
Kim: That is amazing. Cool. So we’re fighting a sorcerer, Spock, and the One Ring.
Lexi: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yes.
Colin: Yeah.
Lexi: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah, you got it. Evil Spock, ‘cause he has the goatee.
Kim: It’s good.
Colin: You’re fighting evil Spock.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Spock with the beard. It’s good.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Ryan: Oh boy.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: This is good. We have not snuck up on them.
Lexi: No.
Sequoia: No, they know we are there.
Lexi: They were expecting us.
Sequoia: Okay, so we just bust up in there. We’re like, yes! We… we are present.
Ryan: Might as well just start slinging spells, you know, like we…
Kim: We could… we could try to bluff them and pretend like we’re still under their influence.
Ryan: Were we ever under their influence?
Kim: I mean…
Lexi: They’re the last…
Sequoia: I mean, they’re…
Colin: “Allow me to explain.” [everyone laughs]
Lexi: Oh!
Ryan: Oh!
Lexi: Yup, yup, that’s happening.
Colin: “’Cause we’re at the center.”
Kim: Oh no.
Colin: “We are the world enders, and we need you. Your blood and your book, Jelisandra.”
Lexi: Ohh!
Colin: “So that we can complete our ritual destroying this world and all others with it. Including the real one.” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: “This is not the real one!?”
Kim: Wait a second.
Lexi: You look pretty real!
Colin: “I hate to break it to you, sister. Mine wasn’t real either. I’m from a D&D sourcebook. [everyone laughs] He’s from a television show, and he’s from a series of movies. But together…”
Sequoia: He’s from a series of books.
Colin: “…we’re the world ender triumvirate and we’re… our goal is to bring about the death of all things! All fantasy worlds and real worlds!”
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: So good.
Colin: “We’re gonna call it quits. Put it to bed. All over. So give us that book ‘cause we need it.”
Ryan: So all this… all this talk of world ending is actually kinda jivin’ with my anti-authority…
Kim: Oh, great.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Lexi: Oh no.
Ryan: …like, rebellious nature. So I’m… I’m… I’m intrigued.
Sequoia: Can I…
Ryan: I’m like…
Sequoia: …petrify Dickie? [laughter]
Ryan: I say… I say, “Hold on, now…”
Lexi: Restrain him.
Ryan: “…sorcerer guy, did you say all worlds?”
Colin: “Every world. All of ‘em.”
Ryan: “Destroy… destroying all of them, you say?”
Colin: “Yes. Just more of an implosion or a non-existence sort of thing.”
Ryan: “That sounds pretty metal.”
Sequoia: “Yo. Okay.” [everyone laughs]
Kim: Dickie, are you a nihilist or an anti-authoritarian?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Ryan: “I’m a teenager and I haven’t figured that out. [everyone laughs] But that sounds so metal. I’m in.”
Sequoia: Okay.
Ryan: “Can I have one of these robes?”
Kim, Lexi & Sequoia: Uhhhhmmmmmm!
Colin: “You supply your own robe.”
Ryan: “Ah! Well, then it’s a stupid club. I don’t wanna get my own robe. I’m against you after all.”
Sequoia: I… I would like to roll to provoke them.
Kim: Oh, sweet!
Lexi: Okay.
Colin: Into… okay, go for it. Into what?
Sequoia: Yeah, into battle! No.
Kim: Into being emotionally flustered.
Sequoia: Into being emotionally flustered.
Ryan: Oh, like a boost.
Colin: Okay.
Sequoia: I would like to… I would… I would like to sort of, like, psychoanalyse them to the point where they’re uncomfortable. [Kim laughs] [dice roll] What’s that?
Kim: That’s…
Colin: Minus one?
Kim: [still laughing] Minus one.
Lexi: Yeah.
Sequoia: Plus two. Great.
Colin: “Your pop psychology won’t work on us!” And then…
Kim: Ohhh.
Colin: …Spock turns to you and says, “Yes, your arguments are illogical. The most logical…” [laughs] I’m sorry. [everyone laughs] “You see, as evil Spock, I’ve discovered that the most logical conclusion is to destroy all worlds. It’s just the best thing to do.”
Kim: All right, let’s…
Sequoia: What are we gonna do?
Kim: Let’s… let’s roll on this… I’m going to try to transform the One… transfigure the One Ring.
Ryan: Ooh that’s a… that’s a tall order.
Kim: Into…
Sequoia: Oh god.
Kim: …a chicken.
Sequoia: Yeeess!
Colin: Okay, go for it.
Kim: [dice roll] Ahhhhhahaha it’s a four!
Colin: Yeah, actually, you do. You do transfigure the One Ring…
Sequoia: Yessss!
Colin: …into a chicken. And the chicken sort of squawks off the pedestal and starts coming right at you. It’s real angry. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Good.
Ryan: Can I create fire on the chicken?
Kim: You’re gonna set the chicken on fire.
Ryan: Yeah. That’s… that’s teamwork.
Kim: Okay. Cast the charm.
Ryan: Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, do it! Light the chicken on fire!
Ryan: [dice roll] Aghhhh I lost a dice. [die rolls]
Kim: That is a zero.
Ryan: Zero. I thought we decided that was a hex of some sort. Or a jinx.
Kim: Fire is a charm, but you have a plus two.
Sequoia: Fire is a charm and you get an auto plus two, yeah.
Ryan: Okay.
Kim: ‘Cause it’s fire magic. What did you… so what’d you get?
Ryan: Plus two, I guess.
Kim: Oh.
Ryan: How’d that go?.
Colin: You cast a fireball at the chicken, but if you recall, the One Ring is unaffected by fire, so so is the chicken.
Ryan: Darn. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh no.
Ryan: I didn’t know that. That’s fair.
Lexi: Hold on! Luna recalls that the notebook that Jess had, had some strange powers. Was controlling some shit. So she turns to Jess and says, “Can you use this notebook to help us out of this situation?”
Sequoia: Fuck, Luna.
Lexi: “Do you know what’s going on?”
Colin: “I think so.”
Lexi: She’s getting to the real stuff.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: “I… I don’t know quite how it works.”
Lexi: Should I roll something?
Colin: “I just don’t want this notebook to fall… to fall into their hands. It seems like they need it. I know these are the ones…”
Kim: Right, I yoink…
Colin: “…who… who took me here. And I don’t know what they want the… the… the notebook for, but I don’t want them to destroy you guys. Or everything. Or anything. Oh, gosh.”
Lexi: That’s why you have to use it.
Colin: “I guess. What do you want me to write? What do you want me to say? Where’s my pen?” [everyone laughs]
Lexi: “Hm, I don’t know about the pen part.”
[Kim clears her throat loudly]
Sequoia: “Cyril.”
Kim: Can I… can I give her the pen as a free action?
Colin: Yes.
Kim: Can my… can my… am I…
Colin: Yes, you may.
Kim: …engaged with the chicken?
Colin: No.
Kim: All right. I give her…
Colin: You’re not engaged with the chicken yet.
Kim: I give her the pen back.
Colin: Okay, she… she gets the pen back. “What do you want me to write, Luna? What should I say? I don’t want it to go wrong.”
Lexi: “Just write from your heart, Jess.”
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Oh my god! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Jesus fucking Christ.
Colin: So Jess…
Kim: You could try to, like, boost her emotionally, maybe.
Lexi: I do have a lot of empathy. Can I boost her emotional state? To one of happy… something.
Colin: Sure.
Lexi: Friendship.
Colin: Yes, you may.
Lexi: ‘Kay. Gonna roll for it. [dice roll]
Sequoia: Happy something friendship, here we go.
Colin: You try to create an advantage.
Lexi: So.
Ryan: Plus two.
Lexi: Five.
Colin: Okay, yes. She lifts her spirits and she sits down in the back of the room to write, but it’s going to take her a little while.
Lexi: Cool.
Colin: And in the meantime you have to fend off these three bads.
Lexi: Flaming…
Colin: And it’s their turn.
Kim: Oh no.
Colin: Immediately.
Sequoia: I have a question about stunts. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Okay, yeah, go for it.
Sequoia: So here’s what I want to do. I would like to start performing I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis.
Colin: Is this like a Star-Lord thing?
Lexi: Oh no.
Colin: Are you doing a distraction?
Sequoia: Yes.
Colin: Okay.
Lexi: Great.
Colin: Well, you do that. I mean, it doesn’t take any… you just start doing it.
Sequoia: I want it to be more powerful though. I want to like…
Colin: Oh, wait, no, sorry.
Sequoia: …transfix them.
Colin: It’s not your turn.
Kim: You already went. You tried to provoke them.
Sequoia: But I just said I had a question!
Colin: Oh, okay. Right. Sorry.
Sequoia: About stunts!
Colin: Yeah, you can do that, but it’s not a stunt. A stunt is, like, a skill.
Kim: It’s just…
Sequoia: That’s not a skill!?
Kim: I feel like…
Ryan: This sounds like a good teamwork idea. Like, you distract ‘em with a song and I’ll sneak behind them and bite them in the neck. [everyone laughs] The… the… the main warlock, let’s say. Okay. [Sequoia groans] Can we try to give ‘em a one two?
Sequoia: Whose turn is it, even?
Kim: It’s the bad guys’ turn.
Ryan: Oh, right.
Colin: It’s the bad guys’ turn. It’s their turn.
Sequoia: Fine.
Colin: So, the wizard. Agh.
Sequoia: Fine.
Colin: The wizard in the middle raises his staff and says, “Well, I had kind of hoped you would see it our way, but I realise now that was a long shot.” And he casts… he says out loud, “I cast meteor!”
Kim: Oh no.
Colin: And from the sky…
Sequoia: Nooo!
Colin: …starts raining down fireballs over all of you, including Jess. So…
Sequoia: Shit.
Lexi: Oh no.
Ryan: Shit.
Kim: Okay. Do we… can we defend?
Colin: Yes. Hold on. Sorry, I’m pulling… getting my dice.
Kim: ‘Kay. Could we do… so I’m gonna try to cast a shield charm, and if a couple other people… maybe we could do, like, a more powerful one.
Sequoia: Like a big shield charm.
Kim & Lexi: Yeah.
Kim: Like combined shield charms.
Ryan: Yeah.
Lexi: Yeah.
Kim: Together. That’s a… that’s counted as, like, a counter… counter curse. Counter hex, right?
Colin: Yeah, do it.
Lexi: Yeah.
Colin: Go for it.
Kim: Okay.
Lexi: Do we all roll?
Ryan: We’re… we’re rolling this as a counter?
Kim: Colin, how do you want us to do this?
[dice roll]
Ryan: If it’s a counter, I’m at a plus five for…
Kim: I’m at a three.
Colin: Or for now why don’t you all roll… roll to shield?
Kim: Okay.
Colin: And… and then…
Lexi: ‘Kay.
Colin: …on your turn you can do a bigger shield. But you have to counter anyway, so…
Ryan: Oh.
Kim: Cool.
Colin: Okay, if you got less than a five you take one… one stress.
Kim: Okay.
Ryan: Ouch.
Lexi: Damn.
Colin: “Yes, yes, YES!”
Kim: Cool.
Colin: Says the wizard. “Hahahaha!” And then evil Spock says… says… something witty.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Cool! [everyone laughs]
Kim: We’ll take it. We’ll just take that as… as he did that.
Colin: “Live short and don’t prosper. I don’t know,” he says. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Cool. Fine.
Colin: And then he shoots… [more laughter]
Sequoia: Live short.
Kim: Great.
Colin: And then he shoots his phaser at… at… who’s in the front? Who’s closest?
Sequoia: Luna.
Colin: Luna.
Lexi: Hi. [everyone laughs]
Colin: Shoots his phaser at Luna.
Kim: Right. She wandered into the room first, as usual.
Lexi: Yeah.
Colin: Roll for physical. Roll your physical, Luna.
Lexi: That’s, like, not one of my listed skills.
Kim: You have a zero.
Lexi: Okay, so it’s a zero.
Colin: Okay.
Lexi: Great. [dice roll]
Kim: That’s a one.
Colin: Well, he hits you.
Kim: She got a plus one.
Lexi: Plus one, sorry.
Colin: Okay, he… he hits you in the shoulder with a stun shot, knocking you to the ground, but it doesn’t do any more stress.
Kim: Okay.
Lexi: Ouch.
Colin: And…
Kim: But she’s… she’s stunned?
Colin: You’re not… You’re not… It was set to stun. You’re not stunned, you’re just knocked to the ground.
Lexi: Okay.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Colin: And then the One Ring tries to mind control Dickie. So Dickie, roll your will.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Lexi: Shit.
Ryan: I’m doing a… a will save? [dice roll]
Colin and Kim: Yeah.
Lexi: Good, good, good.
Kim: So you have at least a plus two.
Colin: Oooh.
Ryan: Oh man.
Lexi: Oooh.
Kim: You got a zero.
Ryan: Yeah, a net zero.
Colin: Oh. Dickie, you start feeling…
Sequoia: Oh shit.
Colin: …like you really want to get that…
Ryan: “Guys, I’m not feeling so good.”
Colin: Like, you really wanna get that chicken on your finger. [everyone laughs]
Lexi: Finger!
Colin: You’re looking at the chicken and you can’t help but walk over to it.
Ryan: “Guys.”
Colin: And you are… you are…
Ryan: “This chicken’s looking…”
Colin: You are gonna grab that chicken. It’s all you want. It’s all you’ve ever wanted.
Ryan: “Here… here I go.”
Colin: So your next turn, you…
Sequoia: [whispering loudly] My precious!
Colin: …are mind controlled by the One Ring.
Lexi: Oh damn.
Sequoia: Ohhhh noooooo.
Kim: Trying to put the the chicken on your finger. Great.
Ryan: Am I wearing the chicken now? Or is that what I try to do…
Colin: No.
Ryan: …on my next turn?
Colin: Yeah, that’s what you try to do during your next turn.
Ryan: Okay.
Kim: Great.
Colin: You just feel a grasp in your mind. The call of that chicken.
Ryan: [laughing] Okay.
Colin: I want it. It’s my precious. Okay, players’ turn.
Kim: Great.
Colin: Who is first? Luna, you’ll go last ‘cause you’re knocked down, but you can stand up.
Kim: Blaise went first last time.
Sequoia: Okay.
Colin: Okay, Blaise.
Sequoia: I would to try and cast a shield between us and the bad guys. The bad guys currently include Dickie. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: That’s fair.
Colin: Okay, is this some… like, are you trying to physically keep them away? Or just a magic shield? [Sequoia sighs] ‘Cause those would be different things.
Sequoia: I think I would like to cast something that… that would create a physical barrier for anything.
Colin: Okay. That’s gonna be a little harder, but do it.
Kim: Like a wall? [Sequoia groans] [dice roll]
Lexi: Oh, jeez.
Colin: Well, what skill are you even using?
Kim: That’s more of a… that’s… that’s like a…
Ryan: Plus two.
Kim: That’s, like, a transfiguration. You’d be, like, conjuring a wall.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: More than anything else.
Sequoia: Yeah?
Lexi: That’s a one.
Sequoia: Conjuring?
Kim: Yeah, she’s conjuring a wall.
Colin: Okay, great. Yes.
Sequoia: I’m conjuring a wall. What does this equal?
Kim: That’s a two.
Lexi: Mhm.
Kim: Plus your transfiguration skill.
Sequoia: Which is one. So three.
Colin: Okay. Yes. You are able to create a barrier between yourself, the person closest to you, and the center of the room.
Kim: Who’s closest to you?
Sequoia: Probably you.
Kim: Oh, great. I was gonna do some stuff. Now there’s a wall in my way! I was gonna do no magic. All right, I’ll do magic.
Lexi: Just punching people?
Ryan: You gonna punch?
Kim: Fuck. All right.
Ryan: I think you’re next.
Kim: Whose turn is it? Is it my turn?
Ryan: I’ll go not quite last.
Colin: Yes.
Kim: Oh, right, Luna’s knocked down.
Lexi: I’m last.
Kim: You’re going for the chicken. I guess it’s my turn.
Lexi: Yeah.
Colin: Yes, Cyril. Cyril.
Kim: Okay, so the wizard was the most dangerous last time. I guess I’m going to attempt to distract him by casting a jinx that’s going to make him really itchy.
Ryan: Nice.
Colin: Okay.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Ready?
Colin: Yes.
Kim: [dice roll] That was not good.
Colin: What did you get?
Kim: I got a two.
Colin: Oh, the jinx. He gets a little itch behind his ear, but that’s it. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, man. Why are we rolling so bad?
Ryan: Well…
Sequoia: What the heck?
Colin: Okay, Luna.
Ryan: What?
Lexi: Oh, I stand up.
Colin: Okay.
Lexi: And…
Colin: Yes.
Kim: Wait, I think…
Ryan: Wait, I thought it was…
Kim: Shouldn’t Dickie go next? ‘Cause Luna was gonna go last.
Lexi: Or is he under the influence of…
Colin: Yeah, Dickie is…
Lexi: …drugs. I mean the Ring.
Colin: Dickie is mind controlled.
Ryan: Okay.
Colin: By the Ring.
Lexi: Okay.
Kim: Okay.
Lexi: Okay. Am I behind… is Luna behind the wall too?
Colin: No, you are exposed.
Kim: I think it’s just…
Colin: And Jess is too, so don’t forget about her.
Lexi: [very quietly] I am exposed. [normally] Can I cast…
Sequoia: Oh shit.
Lexi: …defend over me and Jess?
Colin: Yeah, do it.
Lexi: Okay.
Kim: Like a magical defence?
Lexi: I’m gonna do it. Is that a charm? Like a charmed shielding charm.
Kim: Sure. Cast a shield charm.
Lexi: That’s what I’m gonna do. Okay, let’s see. A plus three.
Colin: Oh, very good.
Lexi: Is what I got for that.
Colin: Even without your skill modifier you cast a glowing beam of green light that comes out of your wand, and it spreads around both you and Jess, protecting you from magic and coincidentally phaser beams. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Nice.
Ryan: Sure. Convenient.
Lexi: Convenient.
Kim: Nice work. We’re gonna do some stuff.
Lexi: Great.
Kim: So this guy’s getting some stuff done.
Sequoia: We’re so bad at this.
Colin: Dickie. Dickie, you… you have the… the uncontrollable lust for the Ring. And you go, and you… you’re right in… you’re in… you’re in front of the barrier. You’re going straight for the chicken, and you pick it up, and you look in its eyes, and you see that it’s the the eye of Sauron in there. And it talks to you. [everyone laughs]
Lexi: It’s so terrifying!
Sequoia: What does… what does Sauron say?
Kim: I maybe shouldn’t have made the ring mobile.
Colin: Sauron says… [sinister wordless whispering sounds]
Sequoia: Yes!
Colin: [whispering hoarsely] Dickieeeee!
Ryan: I attempt to…
Colin: Dickieeeeee!
Ryan: …put the chicken on my ring finger. Just…
Colin: Yeah.
Ryan: On my finger. ‘Cause it’s, like, a ring, so I sliiide it right onto my finger. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my gooooood!
Ryan: ‘Cause it’s… well, that’s how you get its powers, right? Isn’t that what it wants?
Colin: You slide…
Ryan: Never mind. I’m gonna stop talking.
Colin: You slide the chicken… [everyone keeps laughing]
Kim: Okay, how about its scaly foot. Its scaly foot.
Lexi: There we go. Scaly foot.
Colin: Yeah. The… the chicken wraps its foot around your finger and you turn invisible.
Ryan: That’s way better [everyone laughs] than what I was picturing.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Okay.
Ryan: All right, so I’m… what do I… what’s going on now?
Kim: You’re invisible.
Ryan: Cool.
Colin: It’s the bad guys’ turn again.
Lexi: Oh no.
Colin: Yes, the… yes. Yes, all right.
Sequoia: What happens if we all die?
Kim: It’s funny.
Colin: The… the sorcerer is upset at you, Cyril, for trying to jinx him, and he says, “Hm, fool.”
Kim: Nice.
Colin: “I’m a level twenty lawful evil sorcerer. Do you…”
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Kim: Oh, shit!
Colin: “…think that you could really stand up against Morgal Malefactor? Hahahahaha!”
Kim: Oooh.
Sequoia: Shit.
Lexi: Oooh.
Colin: And he casts fireball at you. Pew peww!
Kim: Nice.
Colin: So.
Kim: Fireball.
Sequoia: Wait.
Colin: So you’re gonna want to defend against that.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: At you?
Kim: Me.
Lexi: Cyril.
Sequoia: You’re still behind a wall.
Kim: Oh! There is a wall there.
Sequoia: There’s a wall.
Colin: Oh, yeah, okay.
Kim: In front of me.
Colin: There’s a wall. You’re right, there is a wall.
Kim: Does it come over the wall?
Colin: He casts fireball at you and it hits the wall and scorches it, but it doesn’t break it. So you’re safe for now.
Kim: Oh. Oh.
Lexi: Mmm!
Ryan: Good wall.
Kim: He didn’t have a lot of foresight.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Nice.
Colin: Okay.
Sequoia: “There’s a wall, idioooot!” [everyone laughs]
Kim: Nice. Definitely taunt him more. “Taunt him more!”
Colin: And then evil Spock says, “Set phaser to kill.” And then…
Lexi: Oh, shit.
Colin: …he blasts it at the wall in front of… in front of Luna and Jess.
Lexi: Oh.
Kim: Oh no
Colin: Ooh and it breaks right through. [Lexi & Sequoia gasp] I mean, you’re still safe, but it…
Lexi: Okay.
Colin: It dispells the charm, and then…
Lexi: I don’t just die?
Colin: No, you’re still alive. You’re still alive, but it breaks the charm and evil Spock is advancing on you.
Lexi: Ah.
Colin: With a determined look in his eye. And now for Dickie and the One Ring. Dickie, I’m gonna have you roll for mind control again. So do a will…
[dice roll]
Kim: That’s a…
Ryan: Oh, zero.
Kim: So you get two.
Ryan: Plus two.
Colin: Oh, okay.
Ryan: For my will. Yup. Two.
Colin: You… you are starting to break the… you… you… you hear Sam’s voice, and he’s talking to you, saying, [everyone laughs] “Come back to me, Mr. Frodo! [more laughter] Come back to us!” You don’t really know who… who he is, but it comforts you. And so you’re able to get the chicken off of your finger. [snorts of laughter]
Ryan: Okay, good.
Kim: That’s good.
Colin: So you can…
Ryan: That’s progress
Colin: So you can have your turn back next time.
Ryan: Oh, sweet.
Colin: Yeah. Okay. So, let’s go. Blaise.
[pause]
Sequoia: There’s still a wall. Great.
Colin: Yes.
Sequoia: I would like to cast a new spell/phaser shield charm around Jess.
Colin: Okay.
Kim: Not around Luna? Just Jess?
Lexi: [laughing] Just Jess!
Sequoia: Well, I thought it had to be, like, me and someone.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: ‘Cause I’m casting it from my wand.
Colin: No, you can cast it over a…
Sequoia: Can I do it…
Colin: Over an area.
Sequoia: …over an area? Okay. Cool. Then…
Kim: With a larger…
Sequoia: Then Luna and Jess.
Kim: Okay.
Lexi: Oh, thanks.
[dice roll]
Colin: What’d you get?
Kim: That’s a…
Sequoia: Um… that’s a three, plus…
Kim: It’s a two.
Lexi: What?
Kim: You got a minus one, and then three, plus…
Lexi: Oh, sorry, yeah.
Kim: That’s a two plus whatever your charm is.
Sequoia: So four total.
Kim: Four.
Colin: Okay. So you are able to recast the charm so that it… it is protecting Luna and Jess from magical harm.
Lexi: Cool.
Sequoia: Radical.
Kim: Is it my turn? I think it’s my turn, right?
Colin: Yes.
Kim: I’m going to attempt to disarm Spock.
Colin: Nice.
Kim: Evil Spock.
Colin: Okay. Expelliarmus!
Kim: “Expelliarmus!” I cry. [dice roll] Oh, shit.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Lexi: Expel…
Kim: I got a two!
Colin: Yes. You’re able to do it. The phaser flies out of Spock’s hand.
Kim: Nice.
Lexi: Yay.
Ryan: Nice.
Lexi: Yay.
Kim: Clatters to the floor.
Colin: Yes.
Kim: Where does it clatter to the floor?
Colin: It clatters across the floor. Well, evil Spock is farthest away from you, and it goes even farther away.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. Fine.
Colin: Luna.
Lexi: Okay, so I’m… I’m gonna cast Stupefy on Spock.
Colin: Nice. Okay.
Kim: Nice.
Lexi: [dice roll] Mmm.
Kim: That’s a jinx, or a hex.
Lexi: Okay, plus one.
Colin: Plus one. [everyone laughs] He’s stuck in his spot, but…
Sequoia: Get it together.
Colin: He’s… he’s stuck in… in one place. He’s not advancing on you any more.
Lexi: ‘Kay. Fair.
Kim: Cool.
Colin: All right, Dickie.
Ryan: ‘Kay. Good.
Sequoia: All right Dickie.
Colin: Time to shine.
Ryan: So.
Kim: Oh, he’s got…
Ryan: I have my mental…
Kim: …the list of spells out.
Ryan: I do. I found a spell. It’s a jinx. That I’d like to use on the sorcerer guy.
Colin: Uh huh.
Kim: Great.
Ryan: I’d like to cast a jelly brain jinx and make him dumb.
Colin: Okay.
Lexi: Ohhhh!
Sequoia: Ohh!
Ryan: It says it affects the target’s mental processes.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Nice.
Ryan: So I’m gonna blast off a jinx at him. [dice roll] Oh! That’s a plus six!
Everyone: Oh!
Colin: Okay, so…
Ryan: Bazap!
Sequoia: Damn, Dickie!
Lexi: Dickie!
Ryan: Dickie’s coming out swinging now!
Colin: Yeah! Dang. Okay, Dickie, I’m impressed. Or actually, that’s what the sorcerer says. “Okay, Dickie, I’m impressed.” As he… his brain starts to not work so good. Bleep bloop blop. And… [everyone laughs] and he says, “No! I have to complete the… the re… the rrr the Rachel. The Rachel! [more laughter] To destroy all… to destroy everything. No. The r… the circle on the ground. No! Everything’s so confusing now.” So your spell… your spell has an effect.
Ryan: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Awesome.
Lexi: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Awesome.
Kim: Nice.
Ryan: Wooo! Whomp whomp!
Colin: And then you… you hear Jess yelling at… yelling at you above the fray. “I’m almost done, guys! I think you’re really gonna like this one!” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: Oh my god, I’m so excited.
Colin: “I’m doing what you said! I was writing from… I’m writring from the heart! Just a little bit…”
Lexi, Kim, Ryan & Sequoia: Ohhhhh!
Ryan: Uh oh.
Sequoia: Luna, what did you do?
Kim: Nice.
Colin: “I’m writing from the heart, guys! It’s gonna be good, but it’s gonna take just a little bit longer!” So we’ll do one… we’ll do another round.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Lexi: Great.
Colin: And see if you can stay alive.
Kim: Cool. So…
Lexi: I was gonna say that.
Colin: So, bad guys’ turn.
Kim: It’s the bad guys’ turn, right?
Colin: Yes. Yeah, bad guys’ turn, sorry.
Sequoia: It’s a wizard with no brain power…
Kim: Right?
Colin: Yeah, the wizard…
Sequoia: …evil Spock with no phaser…
Kim: And a chicken.
Sequoia: …and a chicken.
Lexi: A chicken!
Kim: Which no one has dealt with recently. [everyone laughs]
Ryan: The chicken got me pretty good. [more laughter]
Kim: He tried to put it on!
Ryan: I was trying to figure out how. [laughter continues]
Colin: So the sorcerer says, “I’m level… I’m level twenty in evil. I’m gonna get you. I’m gonna get you real good. I use [everyone laughs] my staff of instructions. My staff of destruc… of des… d… of distraction. I use my staff of distraction.” [more laughter]
Lexi: [laughing] Distraction!
Colin: And he rolls for it.
Kim: Good.
Colin: Okay, so he uses his… his… he tries to use his Staff of Destruction on you, but it… the spell goes so poorly, thanks to the jelly brain jinx, that he… he severs the seal on the… the magical seal on the floor drawn in Dumbledore’s blood. And he says, “No, the Rachel!” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: It is Dumbledore’s blood!
Kim: Clean it up.
Colin: “I can’t complete the Rachel. No no noooo!”
[pause]
Kim: Nice.
Colin: And says… and then evil Spock says, “Well, we’ll just have to finish you first and then complete the ritual.” And he breaks free of the Stupefy, he comes through the barrier, and he’s going straight for Jess.
Ryan: Oh oh.
Colin: He’s…
Kim: Oh.
Lexi: Oh crap.
Colin: He’s trying…. he’s trying to get the… as… as desperately as he can, he is trying to get the… to… to get her notebook away from her. But Luna is standing in the way, so he does the classic Star Trek fight move, the two hand punch.
Kim: Ah!
Colin: And tries to catch Luna. [everyone laughs]
Kim: I’m doing it. No one can see it, but I am doing it.
Colin: No, the two hand punch where you… where you hold your fist in one hand and then punch.
Kim: Oh!
Lexi: Ohh.
Colin: Yes, like that.
Lexi, Kim, Ryan & Sequioa: Ohhh.
Lexi: Oh, gosh.
Colin: And tries to cut down…
Sequoia: Oh no, that’s not anything.
Colin: Right on Luna’s head. So Luna, we’ll have you roll your physical skill.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Lexi: Please. [dice roll]
Ryan: Ooh.
Kim: That’s a zero.
Lexi: Negative one.
Colin: Oooh, negative one! He…
Lexi: It’s a negative one.
Kim: Do you not have physical at all?
Lexi: I don’t have physical at all.
Colin: Oof, okay.
Ryan: Ouch.
Colin: So, yeah.
Ryan: Shit.
Lexi: Gonna die.
Kim: That’s gonna be painful.
Colin: So Spock easily knocks you away from Jess, dealing one… one stress.
Lexi: [gasps] Another stress!
Colin: You’re feeling a little stressed, and he is gunning right for Jess.
Kim: Cool.
Colin: Then the One Ring. One Ring.
Kim: Has a turn.
Lexi: Is a chicken.
Colin: Yeah, don’t… the One Ring flies back to its pedestal and wills itself back to ring form.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: The transfiguration has…
Lexi: Sounds right.
Colin: Has worn off, and…
Kim: That makes sense.
Colin: And I guess that’s its whole turn, actually. All right, players.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: All right, let’s fucking gooooo! I gotta come at Spock.
Kim: Nice.
Lexi: Mhm.
Sequoia: So I am going to cast Petrificus Totalus at Spock.
Lexi: Yeah.
Colin: Nice.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: That’s a…
Lexi, Kim & Sequoia: Jinx.
Sequoia: Yeah, okay, okay. [dice roll]
Ryan: Zero.
Lexi: Mhm.
Sequoia: Three.
Colin: A three. Yes. The… the… the spell works and he… just as he’s about to grab the notebook… notebook away from Jess, he seizes up. Every muscle in his body tenses and he falls down, right over her.
Sequoia: [whispering] Yeah, bitch!
Kim: Nice.
Colin: And then Jess says, “Guys, it’s finished! It’s finished! I did it!” And she stands up.
Kim: Oh no. Oh no!
Sequoia: [gasps] So excited!
Colin: And a beam of light starts to glow from the notebook, and then…
Kim: Oh no!
Colin: The beam of light starts to come out of Jess’s fingertips and feet as she lifts up off the ground, as a massive portal appears in front of you.
Sequoia: What is going on?
Colin: She says, “I…”
Kim: What has she summoned?
Colin: “I think I did it, guys! I think that…” [everyone laughs]
Ryan: One of us yell… I will yell, “What did you write? What did you do?”
Colin: “I just wrote from the heart!” [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Ohhh! “That’s not what it means, Jess!”
Ryan: “What specific words did you write?” [more laughter]
Colin: “This is the portal back home! My poem opened up the portal back home!”
Sequoia: Ohhh!
Ryan: Oh, good.
Kim and Lexi: Ohhh.
Kim: That’s nice.
Ryan: Good.
Lexi & Sequoia: That is nice.
Colin: But as the…
Kim: “Well, get out of here!” [everyone laughs]
Ryan: “Go! Go home!”
Lexi: “Go! Go on! Get! Run, Jess!”
Colin: “But guys, guys, once… once that portal closes… once that portal closes, it’s over. Don’t you see? I… I do have to destroy the notebook.”
Ryan: Ohhh.
Sequoia: Nooo!
Colin: “Once I go home.”
Ryan: Shoot.
Kim: Oh.
Colin: “And that’ll destroy… closing the portal and trapping the world enders here; it’s the only way to stop them.”
Kim: “Wait, what? You’re gonna leave ‘em here?”
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh, shit.
Colin: “I’m going to leave them here, and then… and then destroy the notebook once I’m home. It’s the only way.”
Kim: “Does that…?”
Ryan: “If she does that, can we…”
Kim: “Does that…?”
Ryan: “…go through the portal and go to Takoma?”
Kim: “Does that kill us?”
Colin: “In a sense. But it will keep the rest of reality safe.”
Ryan: So us going to Takoma isn’t an option?
Kim: No, we’re not real enough to do that.
Sequoia: Not going to Takoma.
Lexi: No.
Ryan: I like Takoma. [everyone laughs]
Lexi: I mean…
Sequoia: You know.
Ryan: Good coffee out there.
Sequoia: I guess that’s okay.
Colin: “I don’t wanna leave you guys, but it’s the only way. It’s the only way to stop these people from killing every fantasy world, and the real world!”
Kim: “Does that… does it mean that we go back to normal? The way things were before?”
Colin: “No.”
Kim: “Just this version of us dies?”
Colin: “I mean, yes, the… the real version of you will always live on in the… in the other published books and in all my other fanfiction.”
Kim: Oh. [laughs]
Colin: “I have to destroy… I have to destroy this notebook that unfortunately holds all of you in it.”
Kim: Oh.
Ryan: “Well, that sucks.”
Kim: “That’s a real bummer.”
Ryan: Yeah.
Kim: Well.
Sequoia: “Well.”
Ryan: “Go on, get it over with.”
Kim: I don’t know that we’re…
Lexi: Sometimes…
Kim: I don’t know that we’re emotionally mature enough to let that happen.
Ryan: Oh, no, we’re…
Sequoia: “Jess! Jess!”
Lexi: “Sacrifices have to be made,” says Luna.
Colin: “I don’t…”
Sequoia: “Hey, Jess!”
Colin: “I don’t wanna leave you.”
Sequoia: “Can you do me a favor, Jess?”
Colin: “Yeah? What is it?”
Sequoia: “When you get home, will you write me a story where I marry Draco?” [everyone laughs]
Colin: “I will! I’ll write… I’ll write you the happiest future you ever… you ever… you ever could imagine. I love you guys so much.”
Sequoia: “Thank you, Jess!”
Colin: “You’ve been my friends. I know it seems kind of silly, but you’ve really been… even though you and your current iterations don’t remember, you’ve been good friends for me. And it’s… it’s tough being a teenager in Takoma. Gosh. And I don’t know what I would do without you. I’m sorry. If you want me to stay here, well, I can close the portal and we’ll stay.”
[pause]
Lexi: “We shouldn’t. We shouldn’t do it.”
Ryan: Auuauauauaua! [everyone laughs]
Lexi: “We shouldn’t do it.”
Sequoia: What is…
Ryan: “Go on, Jess!”
Lexi: “Go!”
Sequoia: “Bye, Jess!”
Lexi: “Go.”
Ryan: “Go home. Never forget… never forget ol’ Dick Cheney.” [laughter]
Colin: “Okay.”
Kim: Oh my god.
Colin: “I’ll never forget you.” And then she walks through the portal and it closes.
Lexi: And we die?
Colin: And the world enders are defeated. The One Ring is rolling around the floor. [everyone laughs] It seems like… yes, maybe the world will go back to normal. Maybe it will.
Kim: Huh.
Ryan: Oh.
Kim: Huh.
Colin: Any last words? [pause] Or anything? Before you disappear into oblivion?
Sequoia: No.
Ryan: We have to do a team high five at least.
Lexi: We all have to do the team high five.
Kim: The team high five.
Ryan: The team high five, yeah.
Colin: You do…
Kim: Oh, we do the… no, we do the end of the…
Lexi: The Breakfast Club.
Kim: …Breakfast Club. The…
Sequoia: Yeah!
Lexi: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yes.
Colin: You all go to the library, and you do the thing like at the end of the Breakfast Club.
Lexi: Yes.
Colin: And just as you raise…
Kim: Yeah.
Colin: …your fists to the air. Wshhhhhh! Phantom style. Wssshhhh! You… [everyone laughs] Wssshhh! Everybody just disappears.
Lexi: Just all fade away?
Colin: And that’s…
Lexi: Oh god.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Wow.
Colin: …the end of our adventure.
Kim: Wow.
Lexi: Woah.
Kim: We died.
Sequoia: Wow.
Ryan: That was a great adventure.
Lexi: We did die. We just… yeah.
Kim: Wow, that was great, Colin.
Lexi: Woah.
Sequoia: That was so gooood!
Colin: I… yeah.
Lexi: That was super fun.
Colin: Thank you. I hope you liked it. I hope you had fun.
Lexi: That was great.
Kim: Yeah, that was like…
Ryan: That was…
Sequoia: Yeah, it gave me a lot more feelings than I thought it would.
Lexi: Me too! I’m just, like, yeah.
Colin: Oh good. I wanted…
Ryan: Is the screen that comes up…
Colin: …Jess to be the real hero of the story at the end, so I hoped you’d all be okay with you dying.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Lexi: Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah.
Ryan: That’s cool.
Kim: That’s funny.
Sequoia: That was fine.
Lexi: That was awesome.
Sequoia: I was down with that.
Ryan: Is there a, like, end screen that comes up and says, The End, question mark?
Colin: Yeah. Question mark. [everyone laughs]
Lexi: One hundred percent.
Sequoia: Yes.
Colin: As evil Spock raises his hand out from the dirt.
Lexi: Oh god.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim and Lexi: Ohhhhh! [laughter]
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: Nice.
Lexi: Cool.
Sequoia: That was so fun.
Colin: Yep, yep, yep. I’m glad you liked.
Lexi: It was.
Ryan: Good anniversary episode.
Kim: All right. Well, if any of you listeners are still with us, thanks for listening! [everyone laughs] I hope you guys enjoyed that as much as we did.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: I hope you liked it, listener.
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: Happy anniversary to ourselves!
Sequoia: Yeah, happy anniversary to ourselves!
Colin: Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh, that’s so nice.
Ryan: Thanks for having us on.
Sequoia: Happy birthday, Harry Potter!
Lexi: Yeah, thank you, guys.
Kim: Yeah, thanks for playing along with us.
Lexi: That was great.
Colin: Thank you Fanatical Fics. This was fun.
Kim: It was good.
Colin: I think it went pretty well for having the first time I’ve GMed Fate, and the first time any of you have played it.
Kim: Yeah, I think we…
Lexi: Wow, you did really well.
Kim: We played pretty loose with the rules, but…
Lexi: Yeah.
Kim: …it was really fun.
Lexi & Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah, just to…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Colin: …keep things interesting. [everyone laughs]
Kim: It was good. Cool.
Colin: That was fun.
Kim: All right. Well, thanks everyone. I think…
Colin: All right.
Sequoia: Thanks everybody!
Lexi: Yeah, thanks guys.
Kim: …we’re gonna end it here for today.
Sequoia: Yeah, thank…
Kim: Say bye, everyone!
Sequoia: Bye!
Ryan: Bye, everyone!
Lexi: Oh, can we scream bye all together?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, let’s let’s say bye! Ready?
Lexi: ‘Kay.
Ryan: Bye!
All: Byeeee!
Sequoia: Bye!
Lexi: Bye!