Episode 26: Pinhead Percy
Recommendation: Musings
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2852609/1/Quidditch-Toned-Muscles
This transcript was provided by Vic Paxman!
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If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: [whispers] -boring.
Sequoia Simone: That is boring. Never mind, we don’t have anything to talk about.
Kim: [sighs] Fuck.
Sequoia Simone: We don’t have anything to talk about-
Kim: Okay, let’s see…
Sequoia Simone: We don’t have- I don’t have anything to say, I don’t have anything to-
Kim: [interrupting] Which Weasley is the hottest?
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Uh, Charlie.
Kim: You think it’s Charlie?
Sequoia Simone: I think it’s probably Charlie.
Kim: Really?
Sequoia Simone: Yeah!
Kim: I thought Bill was the hottest. Bill’s gotta be the hottest!
Sequoia Simone: I guess he does marry a Veela.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia Simone: That’s true.
Kim: Come on.
Sequoia Simone: Okay, it’s Bill, then.
Kim: [laughs]
Sequoia Simone: No, it’s Ron! [laughs]
Kim: Aw, Jesus, not that one!
Sequoia Simone: [sing-songy] It’s Roooonnnn.
Kim: [interrupting] Oh, no, you know what it probably- it’s probably Ginny, actually.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, no, it’s definitely Ginny. What? [laughs]
Kim: What were we talking about? [laughs]
Sequoia Simone: What? Excuse me?
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia Simone: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim!
Sequoia Simone: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them!
Kim: It’s our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia Simone: Let’s fucking go!
Kim: Except we can’t, like, go, because we have, like, 10 minutes of-
Sequoia Simone: [talking over] Oh, Jesus, we have so much shit to get done.
Kim: -announcements because we’ve been gone for so long. [laughs]
Sequoia Simone: We haven’t recorded in a minute.
Kim: [sighs]
Sequoia Simone: Because of- because of China. And…
Kim: [talking over] And…
Sequoia Simone: …Korea, and Hong Kong.
Kim: I wasn’t the only one-
Sequoia Simone: [interrupting] Which sounds like a lot of fun!
Kim: I wasn’t the only one that was out of the country.
Sequoia Simone: Okay. Mexico.
Kim: [talking over] You also left the country.
Sequoia Simone: Right. So we’ve been doing a lot of leaving the country, so it’s been a second.
Kim: But, like not even at the same time.
Sequoia Simone: Right.
Kim: Like, we staggered them to try to, uh… spend as much time apart-
Sequoia Simone: [talking over] Spend as much time apart.
Kim: -as possible.
Sequoia Simone: Exactly. Adversity. I’m just gonna keep saying the word adversity in the podcast.
Kim: Why?
Sequoia Simone: Because we’re trying to create a…
Kim: No, we’re trying to create conflict…
Sequoia Simone: Okay.
Kim: …between the hosts…
Sequoia Simone: Right.
Kim: …to…
Sequoia Simone: Conflict. We…
Kim: …raise interest…
Sequoia Simone: …hate each other.
Kim: I mean, if that wasn’t clear by now.
Sequoia Simone: [groans]
Kim: [laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Um, yeah, we have a lot to say. We have a lot of things to say to you guys today.
Kim: A lot of little thoughts.
Sequoia Simone: A lotta little thoughts.
Kim: So…
Sequoia Simone: Some big thoughts. Well, no, no big thoughts.
Kim: No.
Sequoia Simone: Some medium thoughts.
Kim: Never big thoughts.
Sequoia Simone: I have a medium thought!
Kim: Oh. You are a medium thot.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] I don’t know if that’s rude or not. I’m-
Kim: It was rude. How- Clarify?
Sequoia Simone: Okay, alright.
Kim: It was rude.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, fine. Fine fine fine fine fine. Um, so first, an announcement. Um, I am going to be speaking on a panel at LeakyCon, in Dallas.
Kim: I’m so excited for you.
Sequoia Simone: I am so excited I am going to vomit. No I’m not. It’s gonna be fine. [laughs]
Kim: So if any of you guys are gonna be at LeakyCon… Check out Sequoia’s face!
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, um, I’m gonna be on the Harry Potter Podcasters panel, it’s gonna be moderated by our very first guest ever, Mike Schubert, from the Potterless podcast.
Kim: That’s so exciting.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. So that’ll be really cool, um, there’ll be some really really cool podcasts on it, uh…
Kim: And us!
Sequoia Simone: And us also! [both laugh] So, I’m, uh, gonna be fine. It’s gonna be fine. Uh, but yeah, please come see it if you’re coming to LeakyCon, and also just, like, come and say hello to me. Uh, yeah, so I’m just gonna go, and hang out, and I’m gonna go to panels, gonna go… uh… buy a bunch of stuff I don’t need.
Kim: [laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Probably. That’s what I always like to do at conventions. That’s my favorite thing to do.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia Simone: Is someone selling art that I’m just gonna put under my bed and not hang up on my walls? [both laugh] I would like as much of that as possible.
Kim: Great. Do that.
Sequoia Simone: Um, anyway, yeah, so that’s an announcement.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia Simone: Time for some shout-outs!
Kim: [sings] Shout-outs!
Sequoia Simone: [singing also] Shout-outs! [both laugh] Oh, God.
Kim: I apologize to everyone.
Sequoia Simone: [talking over] Everyone who has ever listened to this podcast just stopped. They’re done. They’re done forever. Sorry, not sorry!
Kim: I mean, you knew that it was gonna happen eventually…[Sequoia laughs] that I was gonna drive all listeners away…
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: …by making…
Sequoia Simone: Um, you know what, I’d just like to say something.
Kim: No?
Sequoia Simone: I asked listeners from British Columbia- [Kim gasps] -to Tweet at us, and no one did! [laughs]
Kim: [talking over] And they listened to me. They listened to me! When I told them not to indulge you in this anymore because everyone is over it!
Sequoia Simone: I was really sad, so, um…
Kim: [laughs] You deserved that.
Sequoia Simone: Oh…
Kim: You deserved that.
Sequoia Simone: Did I?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia Simone: Did I, though? Hey listeners, tweet at us! Did I deserve that? [both laugh] So, we did get two-
Kim: Two?
Sequoia Simone: -reviews. Yes, we did!
Kim: That’s so exciting.
Sequoia Simone: So, we got one on Facebook, and we got one on iTunes.
Kim: Cool! Who are we shouting out to?
Sequoia Simone: We are shouting out to- So, we actually got three new ratings, but only one person left us an actual review.
Kim: Shout-out to whoever dropped us some ratings-
Sequoia Simone: Yes.
Kim: -and we can’t see your names!
Sequoia Simone: We can’t see your name, but, um, thank you!
Kim: Thank you!
Sequoia Simone: Um, we got a review entitled “Merp”...
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia Simone: …from somebody named S. Lindamin.
Kim: Cool!
Sequoia Simone: And they said, “I don’t know which part I like more, the fanfiction or the witty banter!”
Kim: I… Thank you for saying that. That’s really nice.
Sequoia Simone: [talking over] Thank you for saying that. [both laugh] I like the fanfiction, but those people talking… Oh, man. We could just get rid of them, I think, probably. [both laugh]
Kim: Just go to fanfiction.net and read some stuff.
Sequoia Simone: Ooh! Um, yeah, that’s cool.
Kim: And Facebook?
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Yeah, and Facebook. So, we got one from, um, Tera Davis, that says, “Just started listening to it today and I am so hooked.”
Kim: Well, thank you very much, Tera and… S…
Sequoia Simone: S. Lindamin.
Kim: Lindamin. For dropping those off for us.
Sequoia Simone: With- They make us feel all… all happy.
Kim: That people are out there listening to us.
Sequoia Simone: Exactly. And enjoying what they’re listening to.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia Simone: On top of the listening part.
Kim: I mean… [laughs]
Sequoia Simone: I think the listeners- [laughs]
Kim: I mean…
Sequoia Simone: And I mean mostly that, ummmm…
Kim: Thanks.
Sequoia Simone: Thanks, guys.
Kim: Uh, also, the next episode that’s gonna be coming out is our anniversary episode?
Sequoia Simone: [talking over] Anniversary? [both groan weirdly]
Kim: So we’ll have been, uh, having been done doing this here thing…
Sequoia Simone: Done- din- doing- din-
Kim: …for a year! So we have a little something planned for that, and you will find out about it when it happens. The end.
Sequoia Simone: Best announcement ever. [laughs]
Kim: [talking over] Look out for that. Cool! Uh, I guess that’s everything, that wraps that up, let’s get into it.
Sequoia Simone: Oh.
Kim: Do you have some shit for me? You said you read fanfiction for seven hours yesterday?
Sequoia Simone: I did. I did do that.
Kim: [talking over] How are you feeling?
Sequoia Simone: Um…
Kim: A little… a little hungover?
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] A little bit? I don’t know. I’m actually- you know what?
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia Simone: I’m not even gonna do something I read yesterday. Gonna do something that’s been on the list.
Kim: Great. [both laugh] Let’s go.
Sequoia Simone: Fuckin’... [laughs] Are you ready-
Kim: Always.
Sequoia Simone: -to do some predictions…
Kim: Oh, uh, no. Never ready for that, actually. [laughs]
Sequoia Simone: So, here’s the thing, people lately have been, uh… They’re not pointing out to me that I’m really bad at predictions, it’s more like I encounter people and they’re like, “hey, I was listening to this episode, and I got a point.” [Kim laughs] And it’s like, every time I talk to someone, they’re like, “I got a point!” And I’m like, “yes, I know it was called Written in the Stars, and yet I had no idea that it had to do with Divination at all ‘cause I’m an idiot.”
Kim: But, speaking of you getting a point, and Written in the Stars, um, when we were listening back to that episode after editing it, we both realized that Sequoia totally got a point that episode.
Sequoia Simone: [talking over] I definitely got a point, and not only did we not give me that point in that episode, in the next episode we talk about how I didn’t get a point.
Kim: Yes we did. But we hadn’t edited the episode yet. So neither of us had noticed…
Sequoia Simone: Exactly. Yeah. So…
Kim: …as we’re logging them.
Sequoia Simone: I’m gonna post a new, um…
Kim: So.
Sequoia Simone: …scoreboard. I’m gonna post a new scoreboard.
Kim: [talking over] Retroactively, Sequoia got a point for guessing that it takes place, um, after Harry’s seventh year, because, like, half of the story did.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. All the important stuff.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: So… oops!
Kim: Our bad!
Sequoia Simone: But I did get a point, so I am…
Kim: Points moon!
Sequoia Simone: …solidly…
Kim: Except I broke-
Sequoia Simone: [talking over] …above the guess now.
Kim: So I was the one, I think, that broke the streak.
Sequoia Simone: You did.
Kim: Uh, by not anticipating any of that cat shit.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, but that was not gonna happen, so…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: Well, most of the people… most people thought it was gonna be McGonagall, ‘cause of the cat shit.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: A lotta people were saying that. The cat shit. I was saying that. [both laugh] Oh, God.
Kim: Yeah, that one… that one I actually really appreciated, the Twitter… the Twitter predictions for that one, because I don’t think, like, anyone got any points. Maybe I’m- I’m probably wrong, but it seemed like most people were doing pretty… just as bad as I did for that one, so.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, that one was a… [laughs]
Kim: [talking over] Thanks listeners, you sometimes make me feel better.
Sequoia Simone: I threw a little bit of a curveball on that one!
Kim: [laughs] Ooh, anyway.
Sequoia Simone: Okay.
Kim: Um, let’s jump into this.
Sequoia Simone: Let’s jump into this. If you could give me a prediction for, um, Pinhead Percy. [Kim sighs] Humor/romance.
Kim: [whispers] Oh, my God. Fuckin’… Fuckin’ Percy romance?
Sequoia Simone: [laughs]
Kim: Heavy breathing. Oh my gosh, I really hope this is Percy/Oliver. Because that ship is top tier.
Sequoia Simone: Top fucking tier.
Kim: So that’s- it’s- I- It’s Percy/Oliver. I want it. [both laugh] Um, Fred and George play a prank on Percy.
Sequoia Simone: ‘Kay.
Kim: And, um… one more… Percy is stressed about N.E.W.T.s in it.
Sequoia Simone: Okay, those are all very good.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia Simone: Very good predictions, especially knowing my penchant for, uh, Percy/Oliver.
Kim: I love that ship!
Sequoia Simone: [sings] It’s so good! [regular voice] You guys. You guys.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia Simone: Um, I did do this story as a-
Kim: Oh, is this that one?
Sequoia Simone: Mm-hmm.
Kim: You did a live rendition of it not to me?
Sequoia Simone: Yes. I did a solo live show to two people…
Kim: [talking over] It seems like it’s really…
Sequoia Simone: …in our AirBnB apartment at PodCon.
Kim: You know, I feel like it’s not capturing the full… [Sequoia laughs] I have to be there for it to be this podcast! The bants! [laughs]
Sequoia Simone: I’m sorry! Oh my gosh, I’m sorry.
Kim: Alright.
Sequoia Simone: I let the audience banter with me.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia Simone: In this… in this scenario, because I can’t just do it by myself, like that’s not…
Kim: Possible?
Sequoia Simone: I’m not funny.
Kim: I mean…
Sequoia Simone: Or good at podcasting.
Kim: I mean…
Sequoia Simone: Um.
Kim: That’s true. [both laugh] Oh my god.
Sequoia Simone: Okay great, yeah, let’s get started.
Kim: [laughs] So, on that note…
Sequoia Simone: On that note, this is Pinhead a-Percy.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia Simone: It started in Transfiguration. McGonagall had been having a rough day, something about ‘lost a bet with Snape with the forfeit too disturbing for the students to contemplate’.
Kim: Ew. No. I’m- uh, no. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: You’re not in…?
Kim: I am not into that!
Sequoia Simone: …on, uh, you’re not in…
Kim: Not into that.
Sequoia Simone: …into the…
Kim: I’m not into that. Are you into that!?
Sequoia Simone: No!
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia Simone: Okay, who- who is into that?
Kim: Who ships McGonagall/Snape? And-
Sequoia Simone: If you could just let us know what your reasoning is behind that, why you feel like that is a good idea. Just let us know.
Kim: I’m gonna find some. [laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Oh, damn it… something about losing a bet with Snape… blah blah blah… so that when her class of sixth year Gryffindor and Slytherin students came in, she gave them a nice vague assignment.
Kim: That doesn’t sound like her.
Sequoia Simone: She was very disturbed. [both laugh] She had lost- she lost a bet…
Kim: [talking over] She’s like- she’s like “do some fucking- I’m putting on a video…” [laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: “Oh, how do you get out of aux?” [both laugh] Everyone’s…
Sequoia Simone: She, like, can’t get the projector to work. And like, “I don’t have the right cord to connect my Mac to the…” [both laugh] You guys are in college, right?
Kim: [talking over] That’s what school’s like, right? [both laugh] That’s how school goes?
Sequoia Simone: Oh, man. Those are some sweet… school jokes… Alright, cool. [Kim laughs] I didn’t know that was coming, I wasn’t ready for that. [sighs] …a nice vague assignment: “Turn something animate into an inanimate object of your choice.”
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia Simone: Of course, this was possibly the worst thing she could have given to a class of rowdy, competitive boys. Especially Slytherin ones, who had the disturbing tendency of knowing more magic for someone their age than they ought to.
Kim: ‘Cause they’re ambitious.
Sequoia Simone: I also like that- Okay. It’s just boys.
Kim: [talking over] Wait, I thought they said that it was-
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Somehow.
Kim: I thought it said that it was Gryffindors at the beginning, also.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, Gryffindor and Slytherins.
Kim: Oh, it’s a double..? Okay, fine.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. It’s a double class. Of this class of rowdy, competitive boys.
Kim: [talking over] Is she not providing them the animate objects that they’re supposed to be…
Sequoia Simone: [talking over] No. She’s just like…
Kim: …turning inanimate… Okay, so they’re just gonna be Transfigurating- Transfigurate? Trans…
Sequoia Simone: Oh, geez.
Kim: They’re just going to be casting Transfiguration spells on one another. Is that what’s gonna happen? [pause] Fuckin’ go. [Sequoia laughs] Don’t even say it. I don’t want to hear it today.
Sequoia Simone: Okay, okay. And so, as soon as McGonagall disappeared into her office to grab a vial of Headache-Away… Pretty on the nose. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, it's… fine.
Sequoia Simone: I think, maybe, it makes your headache go away?
Kim: That doesn’t sound right.
Sequoia Simone: …a Slytherin pointed his wand at the perfect prefect, shouted- Oh no. Oh dear. Okay wait, wait, let me see if I can… [Kim laughs] “Praeficio Insigne!”
Kim: Okay… Oh, no.
Sequoia Simone: And in a flash of green light, Percy Weasley disappeared. [Kim laughs] Leaving one perfect prefect badge. [both laugh]
Kim: Yes, oh my gosh! That’s… [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Fuckin’ Slytherins! Who do you think you are, turning Percy into a prefect badge?
Kim: No, that sounds right. I think anyone would do that, let’s be real.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] I like… “If Percy’s a Prefect badge, then he won’t be able to talk...” [Kim laughs] “Let’s do that.” As the Slytherin lazily leaned in to grab the badge, Oliver Wood snatched it away from him.
Kim: [singing] Ollie mine, Ollie!
Sequoia Simone: [hums over] “Percy? Is that you?”
Kim: Okay, you just saw him- Never mind. [both laugh] Were you not looking?
Sequoia Simone: Hey, he’s just confused.
Kim: Awww.
Sequoia Simone: He’s just a nice jock.
Kim: He’s just- He’s just thinking about… [Sequoia laughs] Quidditch formations.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, exactly. He was-
Kim: It’s amazing he can do anything but…
Sequoia Simone: He was technically looking in the direction of what was happening.
Kim: Uh-huh.
Sequoia Simone: But, he was just sort of, like, glazed over…
Kim: As per the usual. Fine.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, thinking about… Quaffles, and…
Kim: Mm-hmm?
Sequoia Simone: …hoops, and…
Kim: Mm-hmm.
Sequoia Simone: …other Quidditch supplies…
Kim: Mm-hmm.
Sequoia Simone: Not brooms. [both laugh] We’re not- Not that. Not that. Not that, guys! [both laugh]
Kim: ‘Cause that would be obscene!
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Every broom! Okay. Marcus Flint, second time sixth year, rolled his eyes. [both laugh]
Kim: How many times did he fail?
Sequoia Simone: Twelve times. [Kim laughs] He is 30 years old.
Kim: [talking over] He’s like 30 years- [both laugh] Do you- You’d think at some point that they would just be like, no.
Sequoia Simone: No, you gotta…
Kim: You gotta go.
Sequoia Simone: You need to… [laughs]
Kim: You can’t pass any classes, but also you gotta go.
Sequoia Simone: I mean, you- You can’t. You can no longer be here. This is a place for children. [Kim laughs] “Well, obviously, Wood. Are you that daft? We all watched it happen.”
Kim: Oh, okay. Thank you, Marcus?
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Yeah, of all people, thank you Marcus?
Kim: [groans]
Sequoia Simone: Wood glared at Flint. “She didn’t mean for us to change people into inanimate objects!” “She should have been more careful what she assigned us, then, shouldn’t she?” said a smirking Montague, who was really quite proud of the fact that his spell had worked as intended.
Kim: [laughs] Yeah, that seems improbable.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. Isn’t he the one who… uh… something about a Vanishing Cabinet?
Kim: Nah, that’s Flint.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, okay. That wasn’t Montague?
Kim: I’m pretty sure Flint was the one that got trapped in the Vanishing Cabinet.
Sequoia Simone: Okay, yeah. Fuckin’ idiot. [both laugh] Suddenly, the sharp voice of McGonagall interrupted the stare-off between the Gryffindor and two Slytherins. “And what is going on here?” Wood pointed a finger at Montague. “Professor, they turned Percy Weasley into a Prefect badge!
Kim: [laughs] And she’s like, “Yeah, that sounds right.”
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Yeah, she’s like, “Well, that was the assignment.”
Kim: She’ll- she’ll pull a Snape and say, “I see nothing different.” [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Exactly. What a dick. He held the badge out neatly in the other hand, in a form of proof. [Kim laughs] He’s like, “look at this Prefect badge! It is Percy Weasley!” [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, man.
Sequoia Simone: “Look at it!”
Kim: This is so messed up. Let’s not talk about any of the, like, metaphysical implications of animate object to inanimate object Transfiguration today.
Sequoia Simone: No.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia Simone: McGonagall is hungover. [Kim laughs] And cannot, uh, articulate that kind of a lesson plan.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia Simone: She cannot. “Montague! You really should have known better! Fifty points from Slytherin!” All the Slytherins in the room groaned at that proclamation. What else are you-?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: Uh-duh!
Kim: Yeah. Although, she didn’t provide them with anything else to use. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: He did technically follow the assignment. ‘Cause, like, the only animate objects-
Kim: [talking over] Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: -hypothetically in the room are the other people.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: So…
Kim: So…
Sequoia Simone: So there’s that. But, uh, fifty points from Slytherin, ya dick!
Kim: Yeah! Fuck Slytherins.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Wait, what? [Kim laughs] All the Slytherins in the room groaned at that proclamation. “Still, for accomplishing such a difficult feat, I award Slytherin twenty-five points.”
Kim: Alright. That’s fair.
Sequoia Simone: Fair. Twenty-five points down was certainly better than fifty, and McGonagall was never one to be generous with praise. And besides, Percy was still a badge. [Kim laughs] The Slytherins decided to accept the situation as rather good, instead of dwelling on the deducted points.
Kim: Yeah, fair is fair.
Sequoia Simone: Like, yeah, twenty-five points, Percy’s a badge… We’re good!
Kim: 10/10 day.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] “Uh, can you change him back, Professor?” “I shall certainly try, Mr. Wood.”
Kim: [laughing] Try.
Sequoia Simone: She’s like, “I don’t wanna listen to Percy talk either!” [both laugh]
Kim: “No one likes that guy! He’s the worst!”
Sequoia Simone: He’s the worst. Set him down on that table there. Oliver did as asked, and with a flick of her wand, chanted, “Finite Incantatem!”
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia Simone: Nothing happened.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia Simone: “Uh, Professor? He’s still a pin.” Everyone around him nodded, and general commentary flooded the air.
Kim: [laughs] General commentary.
Sequoia Simone: General commentary, yeah. “Yeah, he is, he actually is still a pin…”
Kim: “Yeah, Percy… yeah, like look at that guy. He’s a…”
Sequoia Simone: “He’s a pin.”
Kim: “…pointy…”
Sequoia Simone: “Yeah. You could, uh…”
Kim: “…shield shaped…”
Sequoia Simone: “That looks like a pin, right?”
Kim: “Yeah, still a pin.” [laughs]
Sequoia Simone: General commentary.
Kim: That’s what it sounded like. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: We’re just trying to paint you guys a scene. We’re painting you a picture.
Kim: An audio picture. Here we are.
Sequoia Simone: Still looks like a pin to me. “Yes, I can see that, Mr. Wood,” she said, perhaps a little testily.
Kim: I mean, he’s not being very helpful.
Sequoia Simone: No, he’s obviously still a pin. I don’t know why we all need to talk about it. [both laugh]
Kim: He’s just trying to keep up.
Sequoia Simone: She tried again. Percy was still a pin.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia Simone: “Gentlemen, what spell did you use on Percy?” “Praeficio Insigne, Professor,” Montague replied. [both laugh]
Kim: ‘Cause that’s just a spell- Never mind. I don’t wanna talk about it.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, that’s just the spell.
Kim: I don’t wanna talk about how Transfiguration works, because how does Transfiguration work?
Sequoia Simone: It’s just, uh… Magic spell! Maaagic!
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia Simone: Great. McGonagall frowned. “I should have been able to remove the spell. Hm. Perhaps the fact that it was used on a person instead of an animal modified the results of the spell. You’d best go talk to Professor Dumbledore, Wood.” “Aye, Professor.” “As for the rest of you, you’ll go to your seats and write me a six inch essay on why we don’t use inanimate object transformation on humans!”
Kim: Fair.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, but, like, she really did not give them another choice.
Kim: No. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: This does not get rid of the original problem.
Kim: If she’d said it the other way around, everything would’ve been fine.
Sequoia Simone: If she had used her Headache-Away earlier in the day…
Kim: Unless… unless somebody had Transfigured an object into a person, and then that raises a whole bunch of- Let’s not get into it.
Sequoia Simone: Nope. [both laugh] The class groaned. Someone threw something in the general direction of the Slytherins, and Wood ducked out of the class, Percy pin attached neatly to his robes. That’s how you make sure that you don’t lose the pin.
Kim: You attach him… Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia Simone: You gotta- Like a note to yourself.
Kim: Like a note you’re trying to send home to a naughty child’s parent.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Exactly. Just pinning it right on there.
Kim: “Sequoia pushed some… pushed some kids into the mud today.” [laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Sounds like me. Classic Sequoia!
Kim: Pinned to your shirt.
Sequoia Simone: Pushing kids into the mud. My parents are like, “I’m so proud of you.” [Kim laughs] “You pushed those kids into the mud, they deserve it!” [both laugh]
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia Simone: Okay, I’m- I’d just like to clarify that my parents would never say that. Next! [both laugh] When he got to the giant gargoyle that guarded the staircase to Dumbledore’s office, Oliver realized that he didn’t know the password.
Kim: Yeah, what’s up with just sending people to go see Dumbledore and not giving them the password?
Sequoia Simone: The Headache-Away just really hadn’t-
Kim: Oh, sure. Fine.
Sequoia Simone: …uh, it wasn’t…
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia Simone: …she still had a…
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia Simone: …headache…
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia Simone: …is the…
Kim: Sure. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Cool. [laughs] Stupid. “Well, damn.” Wood scratched his head. He looked down at the pin. “Well, now what do I do?” “I would advise returning to class, Mr. Wood,” came the silky tones of a rather bemused Potions professor.
Kim: Fuckin’ Sn- What is Snape doing just lurking-? Ah, fucking Snape. [laughs]
Sequoia Simone: He literally- He has- He’s, uh…
Kim: He just, like, lurks by Dumbledore- the entrance to Dumbledore’s office to heckle students trying to get up to the Headmaster’s office?
Sequoia Simone: No. He’s created some kind of a spell.
Kim: Uh-huh?
Sequoia Simone: Uh, that, like, you know. It’s- it’s a- it goes throughout Hogwarts.
Kim: Uh-huh.
Sequoia Simone: And it alerts him when someone is, like, in a very heckle-able state. [both laugh] And then, it, like, without Apparating, it just transports him to that specific place. [laughing] So he’s, like, in the middle of teaching a Potions class, and all of a sudden he disappears. And all of the students are like, “where did he go? Must be somebody trying to get into Dumbledore’s office and not knowing the fucking password! What an idiot!”
Kim: Ohhh… Every time!
Sequoia Simone: Literally, though, that makes the most sense.
Kim: Yeah, that sounds right.
Sequoia Simone: ‘Kay, great.
Kim: Th- That’s the new…
Sequoia Simone: [talking over] The new..?
Kim: The new Fanatical Fics canon. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Add it to the list! “I would advise returning to class, Mr. Wood,” came the silky tones of a rather bemused Potions professor.
Kim: [whispers] Fuck Snape.
Sequoia Simone: “What are you doing outside of it?” Snape took a second look at Wood’s robes. “And why are you wearing a prefect’s badge? Last time I knew, Weasley still had that… honor.” Wood swallowed and looked around nervously. “Well, you see, Professor…” “Hurry on with it, Wood, before I start taking points!” Wood sighed. “The pin… is Percy Weasley? Sir?” [both laugh]
Kim: Sounds right.
Sequoia Simone: I love it. I love it. “One of your Slytherins Transfigured him in class while Professor McGonagall was out, and, uh… she can’t change him back.” “Oh-”
Kim: I love how he’s like, “your students did this.”
Sequoia Simone: “Your little shits..!”
Kim: [laughs] “This is your fault!”
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] “Oh, dear. What a terrible predicament.”
Kim: [laughing] Fuckin’ Snape! Oh, my God.
Sequoia Simone: Snape reached for the pin and swiped a finger across it. You can’t just touch students like that!
Kim: Yeah! [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Not cool. “They certainly did do a fine job of the Transfiguration. It looks exactly as it should.” Snape stepped back. “I suppose you were sent here so Dumbledore could try and change them back?”
Kim: [whispers] He just said that. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: “Um, sir? Uh, er…” “Yes, sir.” “I do find it interesting that Professor McGonagall couldn’t change him back.”
Kim: It’s your fault, dude. Whatever you did to her last night… or whatever…
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] Or whatever. “Perhaps she’ll think twice before she makes another wager with me.” A smirk tugged on Snape’s lips that made Oliver shudder.
Kim: Ugh, I’m shuddering as well, imagining.
Sequoia Simone: Me too, me too!
Kim: Fuckin’ Snape!
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] “I could try, if you’d like. Or do you insist on seeing the Headmaster?”
Kim: I mean… yes? [both laugh] Don’t?
Sequoia Simone: Oliver replied, “I do. I mean, I want to see Dumbledore.” Snape scowled slightly, but motioned for Oliver to stand under the statue. Oliver moved into position. With a gesture, and a curt “Chocolate Frogs,” the staircase began to move, and soon, Snape was out of sight.
Kim: That was… Fine.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. That was a pretty standard…
Kim: He was more helpful than normal, actually.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. [both laugh] He’d be like, “well, good luck finding the password, you little dick,” and then he’d leave.
Kim: [laughing] Yeah. I guess he was so pleased about, uh, fucking over McGonagall that he was like, “I’m in a good mood now.”
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Yeah. He’s in a good mood, McGonagall can’t function. [both laugh]
Kim: Gross.
Sequoia Simone: [singing] Gross!
Kim: Still uncomfortable about that.
Sequoia Simone: Wood sagged in relief and smiled at the badge. “That was close, wasn’t it? At least he didn’t take any points away.” The stairs stopped and Oliver walked into the inner sanctum of Dumbledore.
Kim: Nobody ever knocks. Oh, there’s a door, isn’t there? There’s a door between the-
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: Okay, never mind. I was gonna say nobody ever knocks on Dumbledore’s office, you just go up. [laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, you know, like-
Kim: [talking over] Never mind.
Sequoia Simone: Hello!
Kim: We are in your office!
Sequoia Simone: I have arrived! [both laugh]
Kim: There’s a door. Never mind.
Sequoia Simone: He’d never been up here before. Few students ever had that privilege.
Kim: Except for Harry.
Sequoia Simone: All the time. [whispers] ‘Cause he’s the Chosen One. [both laugh]
Kim: Harry’s the one that enters without knocking. “What up, Dumbley-dore!” [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: They’re BFFs.
Kim: “There’s some shit goin’ on with my head!” [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Yep. Sounds about right. That’s it. That’s the one.
Kim: That’s how that goes.
Sequoia Simone: That’s where… that’s where that goes. Between the paintings of the prior Headmasters, the books, and the magical artifacts that lined the office, it was a humbling place, reminding you of the power that Dumbledore had, and that which he lacked. Oliver turned in a slow circle, taking it all in while trying to find Dumbledore. “Um, hello? Is anyone there?”
Kim: See, he didn’t knock! He just showed up and he just…
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, he just showed up. There was no door.
Kim: Dumbledore’s shittin’! [Sequoia laughs] I’ll tell ya where he is! Takin’ a big wizard dump! That’s not gonna be…
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] Oh, stop.
Kim: That’s not gonna be left on the podcast, is it? That’s getting cut?
Sequoia Simone: It totally is. Nope, that’s staying.
Kim: [laughs] [whispers] Yes!
Sequoia Simone: Oh, no.
Kim: Poop joke!
Sequoia Simone: Oh, great. I do usually get rid of those. But we’ll keep this one this time. A large bird squawked.
Kim: [deadpan] Squawk.
Sequoia Simone: Thank you. [laughs] That was a continuation of your foley work?
Kim: Yes? [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: “Must be Fawkes,” Oliver muttered to himself. He was rather familiar with the stories of Harry’s adventures, even if he hadn’t actually heard them from Harry himself.”
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia Simone: “Ah, Mr. Wood. What can I do for you?” Dumbledore slowly headed down the stairs to his desk. Oliver fumbled with the pin on his robe. “There was a slight, uh, accident in Transfigurations.”
Kim: Wasn’t an accident.
Sequoia Simone: No. That was not an accident at all.
Kim: 100% on purpose, don’t know why you’re covering for the Slytherins.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. Montague was like, “yeah, I can’t believe that worked, I did a great job! Pat myself on the back!” [both laugh] He pushed the pin towards Dumbledore. “Uh, that, sir, is Percy Weasley.”
Kim: I mean, that is, like, the distillation of his essence in… [Sequoia laughs] Like, if Percy was to be represented by any object…
Sequoia Simone: I think it would be funny if the spell was actually to turn a person into the distillation, like, of themselves in inanimate form. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: Instead of, like, “oh, I turned him into a Prefect badge, that’s funny,” it’d be like, “I’m going to turn you into the thing that represents your soul. Oh, look, a Prefect badge is on the floor.” [both laugh] I think that would be great.
Kim: Yeah. I’m into that.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Tweet at us! Let us know what the, uh, inanimate object that is the distillation of you is! [both laugh]
Kim: ‘Cause that’s not a weirdly personal question.
Sequoia Simone: Awesome. It’s fine! It’s fine. We’re there. We’re there.
Kim: Oh, we’re there with our listeners?
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, we’re there.
Kim: Good. That’s fine.
Sequoia Simone: “Oh, dear. Professor McGonagall couldn’t lift the spell?” Wood felt a bit like a broken record. “No, sir. She tried, though.” There was a twinkle in Dumbledore’s eye. There’s always a fucking twinkle.
Kim: The twinkle!
Sequoia Simone: He’s a twinkly dude, man. [laughs] That’s not- Nope. We’re moving on. We’re moving on. [Kim laughs] “Ah, well, next time we settle bets, we’ll not do it in the middle of the week.”
Kim: …What? [laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Whatchu know about the bet, Dumbledore?
Kim: I am getting more into, like, this B plot as we go. I’m back in.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Somebody tell us what’s happening! The humor in his voice made Wood wish he'd been there to see what happened.
Kim: Me too!
Sequoia Simone: Yes, Wood. Me too. "I can try a few spells if you'd like, but if I'm not mistaken, this may be the kind of spell where we just have to wait for it to wear off." "Well, I'm pretty sure-”
Kim: Like, uh... Like that time Harry got turned into a girl.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: You just had to wait.
Sequoia Simone: You just wait.
Kim: Sometimes. Sometimes that's how magic works, why not?
Sequoia Simone: What you really should do is go find Gilderoy Lockhart.
Kim: Ooh!
Sequoia Simone: I bet he knows.
Kim: He would know.
Sequoia Simone: How to reverse that spell, specifically.
Kim: Actually, wait wait wait. Wood's sixth year...
Sequoia Simone: Is?
Kim: Harry's second year. Lockhart's there.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, my God.
Kim: In the house.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, my God. [both laugh] Damn it!
Kim: Ugh, missed opportunity.
Sequoia Simone: Guys! Oh, man. "Well, I'm pretty sure that if Percy had his say, he'd like to come back to us sooner rather than later, Headmaster." Dumbledore smiled politely. "I'm sure you're right. Let me see if I can do anything."
Kim: [Talking over] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So, it's Harry's second year, and Wood knows who Fawkes is. Plot hole. [Sequoia laughs] Did you see it? You see the plot hole? I just opened...
Sequoia Simone: I do, I see it. I see it. Visibly. Visual bit. [both laugh] I just like to point out when there's a visual bit out there.
Kim: It's often.
Sequoia Simone: Over the next hour, Oliver Wood was treated to one of the most interesting light shows he'd ever seen.
Kim: A-pew! Phew! Pshh! Pew pew!
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] You're doing a great job.
Kim: He's not, like, learning anything or listening or watching what Dumbledore is doing, just stuff's happening.
Sequoia Simone: He's doing the glazed over thing again.
Both: Thinking about thinking about Quaffles.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. Great. [both laugh] Unfortunately, none of them did anything to make Percy into a human again. After the 10th attempt, Oliver rubbed his head.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia Simone: "I'm guessing that means the spell won't end until Montague wants it to end, sir?"
Kim: I don't know if that's how magic works. But that's fine, too. That's fine, too.
Sequoia Simone: Shh. Shh. Shh, it's fine.
Kim: It's, uh, true love's kiss that's actually gonna break it.
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Oh, damn it!
Kim: So Oliver has to make out with the badge.
Sequoia Simone: [both laugh] Oh, no, I wish that's what that was!
Kim: Now, Oliver, touch your tongue...
Sequoia Simone: To the badge? [Kim laughs] Weird. I love it. I wish that was what it- was what it was. Oh. "I don't think it's quite that bad. These kinds of Transfigurations usually wear off after a set period of time."
Kim: 'Kay.
Sequoia Simone: "How long is that, sir?" "It could be a few hours, or a few days at most." Dumbledore clasped Wood's shoulder. "Why don't you keep an eye on Mr. Weasley for the next few days?" [Kim laughs] "If the spell hasn't worn off by then, we'll talk to Montague about it."
Kim: That sounds… reasonable. I guess.
Sequoia Simone: Sir. Why can't we just ask him about it now? [both laugh]
Kim: 'Cause fuck that guy.
Sequoia Simone: Because Dumbledore has a twinkle in his eye, and that means he's-
Both: -up to something!
Kim: Just have him make out with the badge. That'll work, probably.
Sequoia Simone: That should probably maybe work?
Kim: It will accomplish all goals.
Sequoia Simone: In some way. [both laugh] "If the spell could be ended by me, I would have been able to end it. Besides, Mr. Weasley has seemed rather stressed out these past few days. A little break could be just the thing he needs."
Kim: [talking over] So that's just... A break for everyone else. From him. [laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Right, exactly. He stressed out. He's stressing everybody else out, he's pissing people off. He needs to be a badge for a minute! [both laugh] Just let him be a badge!
Kim: Aw, poor Percy. No, not poor Percy. He deserves every second of everything.
Sequoia Simone: Every second of all of it. Oliver blinked. "Um, if you think that's for the best, sir." "I do." Dumbledore nodded. Oliver picked up the badge and replaced it on his robe. "Well, here's hoping he comes back to us soon." He looked down at it and smiled. "I'm sure things will be utter chaos without you around to control us." [Kim laughs] Dumbledore smiled and guided him to the door. "Have a good day, Mr. Wood. And take good care of Mr. Weasley." By the time he was able to say, "I will" again, he was back in the main hallway. "Damn, he's fast." Looking at his watch and then at the pin-
Kim: What?
Sequoia Simone: I don't know. Nope, I don't know. He just was in the- and then he was away, and then he was like, "oh, bye"... I think is what happened. [both laugh]
Kim: Fine. Dumbledore made the staircase move faster 'cause he was over it.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. He was like, "just go away."
Kim: "I need to have part two of that poop I was having earlier."
Sequoia Simone: [laughs] Looking at his watch and then at the pin, he said, "Time for Potions. This ought to be interesting, won't it?" Percy, naturally, said nothing.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia Simone: [whispers] He's a pin.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia Simone: He doesn't have a mouth.
Kim: Doesn't have a mouth. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: To his surprise, Potions was rather boring. Snape said nothing about Percy's condition, even though he could see the insult poised on the man's lips. [Kim laughs] One of the Slytherins made a comment about Percy being a pinhead, and nothing came of that except for a five point loss from Gryffindor when Alicia Spinnet tried to defend Percy.
Kim: Why would anyone-? Never mind.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, that's, uh...
Kim: No one would do that.
Sequoia Simone: No one would do that.
Kim: I guess they're a little salty about it.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. I mean, I guess the Griffindors would be like, "you turned one of us into a pin, you dick."
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia Simone: I buy that.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia Simone: And so on it went. Over the next few days, Wood kept wearing Percy on his robes and talking to him when he thought they were alone.
Kim: Ookay. [both laugh] Great. Fine.
Sequoia Simone: Other students just thought him mad.
Kim: I mean...
Sequoia Simone: Said he'd finally taken one Bludger to the head too many.
Kim: He definitely has.
Sequoia Simone: Absolutely. I think one Bludger to the head...
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia Simone: Is probably...
Kim: I mean.
Sequoia Simone: Too many.
Kim: TBIs are no joke, Sequoia.
Sequoia Simone: They are no joke.
Kim: Concussionus Awayus. [laughs]
Sequoia Simone: Oh, Jesus. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Kim: [sighs]
Sequoia Simone: Wood heard these comments, but ignored them. It felt good to talk to the eldest Weasley at school when Percy couldn't talk back. [both laugh] "Man, Percy, you're such a good listener when you literally don't have a mouth!" [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, no.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, no. [laughs]
Kim: Oliver... Someone help the boy.
Sequoia Simone: Someone help this boy. He could finally tell him those things that he otherwise would have never said. Things like how Percy was rather good looking in his own way.
Kim: He's just saying this?
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: He's like, “you know, badge on my shirt?” [Sequoia laughs] “I've often thought you were hot. Did you know that?”
Sequoia Simone: Except that, like... Except that, like, random passerbys just see him looking down at his own chest, being like, "you know what? You're sexy." [both laugh] "In your own way."
Kim: Oh, no. [both sigh] Okay, fine.
Sequoia Simone: And that he liked the way Percy's hair got mussed up while he slept. Or how he could appreciate how strict Percy was about following the rules.
Kim: That doesn't sound right, but fine. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Because he'd tend to turn a blind eye when Harry or the twins were up to something that would undoubtedly lead to the loss of a lot of points by the house. Also, Percy would never do that.
Kim: Yeah, that's not true.
Sequoia Simone: That's not true.
Kim: He would not do that.
Sequoia Simone: He also thought when Percy changed back, he should tie him up to the bed and gag him because he liked the quiet Percy. [both laugh]
Kim: Oliver, honey. No.
Sequoia Simone: No! No!
Kim: But also, yes! [both laugh] Want to read that story.
Sequoia Simone: That's the one. That thought was quickly dismissed and he blamed it on too much butterbeer consumption after Quidditch practice. After all, the Percy he liked was only a silver plated pin.
Kim: [laughing] That is really sad.
Sequoia Simone: It's so sad.
Kim: It's really sad.
Sequoia Simone: "My one friend is this pin."
Kim: "I've projected some stuff onto him and now he's my friend." [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Oh, no.
Kim: Not the beginning of a healthy relationship exactly, but fine.
Sequoia Simone: [Sequoia laughs] Oliver knew you couldn't love a piece of stamped metal.
Kim: Oh, okay, that's great.
Sequoia Simone: Ten days later, Percy turned back. [Kim laughs] Rather, a naked Percy turned back-
Kim: Where are his clothes?
Sequoia Simone: -in the middle of Potions.
Kim: He was wearing clothes when he was Transfigured.
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] Yeah.
Kim: And they didn't describe them, like, falling to the floor?
Sequoia Simone: Nope. It wasn't like all of a sudden there was just a pin underneath all of Percy's robes. It was just a pin. And then when he changed back, you get- So, let's- Let's paint a scene here.
Kim: [laughing] Okay. Okay.
Sequoia Simone: Just sitting in Potions class.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia Simone: Oliver is wearing the pin on him.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia Simone: So naked Percy-
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia Simone: -just appears on top of Oliver.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia Simone: In Potions class. [laughs]
Kim: Yes. Yes. [whispers] Yes. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Rather, a naked Percy turned back in the middle of Potions, sending both men sprawling.
Kim: Hot.
Sequoia Simone: Wood's cauldron exploded and sent off a riot of laughter.
Kim: [laughing] If you know what they mean.
Sequoia Simone: And by cauldron, you know… that means… hmm-hm-hm. [both laugh]
Kim: Can you not even say...?
Sequoia Simone: I don't- I can't.
Kim: Any? Any word for it? [Sequoia laughs] Can you try?
Sequoia Simone: Hey, remember that time-?
Kim: And by cauldron we mean...
Sequoia Simone: Penis!
Kim: Ohhh! Nice work.
Sequoia Simone: Okay. ...setting off a riot of laughter from the Slytherin side of the room.
Kim: Everyone.
Sequoia Simone: Everyone.
Kim: It's funny. Come on.
Sequoia Simone: It's everyone.
Kim: That's funny.
Sequoia Simone: It's got to be everyone.
Kim: I'm laughing.
Sequoia Simone: "Mr. Weasley, so nice of you to join us again. However, although you may enjoy exhibitionism, I would simply hate if another Potions accident were to damage the Weasley's family chances at procreation, since we all know-" [laughs]
Kim: Would he? Would he?
Sequoia Simone: Hold for the text, please.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia Simone: "...since we all know that the world doesn't have enough of you running around already. Go get dressed. Mr. Wood, go with him. Your potion is already ruined. You might as well be less of a disturbance."
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia Simone: Oliver noted that Percy flushed a rather lovely shade of Gryffindor red and said, "Yes, Professor." He gave Percy his robe and tugged him out into the hallway before Snape had the opportunity to say something even more scathing with even less subtlety. There was not a lot of subtlety there.
Kim: There was none.
Sequoia Simone: It was very little subtlety.
Kim: Zero.
Sequoia Simone: Oh. The two boys walked quickly down the hall. Percy still seemed a little dazed, so it didn't seem a wise idea to linger. They quickly reached the entrance to the Gryffindor common room. I mean...
Kim: What?
Sequoia Simone: If I were a pin.
Kim: For, like-
Sequoia Simone: For ten days.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia Simone: I also might be a little dazed.
Kim: When you show up nude in Potions class?
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: I think that would...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: Daze me.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: A little bit.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: A little bit. "Harry Potter is a god?" "Indeed he is, boys." The fat lady smiled and let the two boys go through. [both laugh]
Kim: Whaaat..?
Sequoia Simone: [singing] It's the password to the common room. Harry's thirteen. [both laugh] Oh, it's so good.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia Simone: Oliver made a note to never mock the passwords that Percy chose again. Because the fat lady got to choose that password because Percy was a pin.
Kim: Ohh… Or the- Wouldn't it just be the other..? Any of the other prefects?
Sequoia Simone: Listen.
Kim: No.
Sequoia Simone: Percy.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia Simone: Does everything.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia Simone: For all the prefects.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia Simone: Because he's Percy.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia Simone: And has control issues probably?
Kim: Not probably. Definitely.
Sequoia Simone: Definitely? Definitely has control issues.
Kim: Uh-huh.
Sequoia Simone: So I buy it.
Kim: That the other prefects don't know how to set the password?
Sequoia Simone: Yep. [Kim laughs] Or, that the other prefects were like, "the Fat Lady. The password is now... um, left foot." And then the Fat Lady was like, "no, fuck you."
Kim: It's this.
Sequoia Simone: "It's Harry Potter is a god." And the other prefects are like, "no, it's this." And she's like, "no, it's what I say, because none of you are Percy." And... I don't know, he would annoy the shit out of her until she just made it what he said it was going to be.
Kim: How do you think Harry feels?
Sequoia Simone: Uncomfortable. [both laugh] This is also his second year. All right. Cool.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia Simone: Oliver made a note to never mock the passwords that Percy chose again. At least his were less embarrassing to say. They made their way up to the dorms. Once inside, Percy started to get dressed. "How are you feeling?" "A little confused, actually. How did I get into the Potions room? And why was I naked?"
Kim: Uh-huh.
Sequoia Simone: "Last thing I remember was being in Transfigurations, and Professor McGonagall looked rather stressed?"
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia Simone: "You remember nothing, then?" Percy shook his head. "Oh." Oliver was disappointed in that.
Kim: That makes sense. That answers my questions.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. He was a pin.
Kim: Probably for the best that he couldn't think.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, he was... That would be... No.
Kim: 'Kay.
Sequoia Simone: He hoped that maybe Percy had heard some of the things he'd-
Kim: He did? Really? He wanted him to have heard that stuff? [Sequoia laughs] Oliver, honey.
Sequoia Simone: Oh, he can only speak to inanimate objects.
Kim: Keep it together, buddy.
Sequoia Simone: "There was an accident in Transfigurations, you got-"
Kim: It was not an accident.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, why does he keep saying that? I'd be like, "hey, that dick Montague turned you into a pin."
Kim: Let's get him.
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] Let's get him. "You got turned into a pin. A prefect pin, to be exact. I've been wearing you on my robes. That's why you found yourself where you did a few minutes ago."
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia Simone: "Did they get whomever was responsible for it?" Oliver almost snorted. Trust Percy to think about punishment for infracted rules. [Kim laughs] Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, that's true.
Sequoia Simone: "Uh, not really enough, if you ask me. But McGonagall was so impressed with the fact that he managed the Transfiguration that she gave them back half the points they lost." "That's a disappointment." Indeed. Oliver didn't know what to say next, so he nodded. He pulled out a stack of sheets and handed it to Percy. "I've got your homework so you can catch up. You didn't really miss that much." He took the notes and started to skim them. "Thanks. I appreciate it." The silence stretched uncomfortably-
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia Simone: -between the two of them. Oliver wondered how he thought he'd begun to fall for Percy. They had nothing in common.
Kim: Also Percy kind of sucks. [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Also Percy sucks and was a pin. Everything's fine.
Kim: Oh, poor Oliver.
Sequoia Simone: Percy was always too serious, never willing to join in the pranks that the twins pulled. He didn't like Quidditch.
Kim: Mm-hm.
Sequoia Simone: He couldn't appreciate a good bottle (or a good five bottles) of butter beer.
Kim: Butterbeer is not... never mind.
Sequoia Simone: That alcoholic.
Kim: It's fine.
Sequoia Simone: But okay. The silence was beginning to strain itself. "Well, I'd better get going. It's almost time for Quidditch practice." He headed over to the door. Percy just nodded, not bothering to look up from his notes. "Good luck with that. I'm going to catch up on my studies."
Kim: Right.
Sequoia Simone: "All right, then. Don't study too hard." He headed towards the door, walking backward, trying to think of one last thing to say. But he couldn't.
Kim: Aww.
Sequoia Simone: One day he would find a person who he could talk to as easily as he did the Percy pin. Percy human just wasn't that person.
Kim: He's really not. [both laugh] But it's funny anyway.
Sequoia Simone: Feeling somehow lightened by this realization, Oliver headed off to practice and swore that the next time somebody got Transfigured into a pin, he wouldn't be the one to take care of it.
Kim: Is that the end?
Sequoia Simone: Yep.
Kim: Awwww, I'm a little disappointed.
Sequoia Simone: I still think you got a point.
Kim: Yeah, I mean, it's tagged romance.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: But it's, uh... I don't know that someone realizing that they didn't actually like a person is romance.
Sequoia Simone: I mean...
Kim: It was built up like a romance.
Sequoia Simone: It was.
Kim: But he was... I- I do like that it ends up with them not getting together because he's liking him for the wrong reasons when he's a pin.
Sequoia Simone: Yes, because he doesn't speak.
Kim: Right. [Sequoia laughs] He's like, "you know, you're kind of sexy, and now you're not talking to me... and I like that." [both laugh] It's not the right reasons, Oliver!
Sequoia Simone: No, it's no good. That's no good.
Kim: So, I like that they don't end up together. But it is weird that it's tagged romance.
Sequoia Simone: It is.
Kim: I guess it's to throw you off, probably?
Sequoia Simone: I mean, it- is it...?
Kim: Which is not a surprise.
Sequoia Simone: It's humor/romance, isn't it? Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, I could see it, but.
Sequoia Simone: So it's, like, mostly humor.
Kim: Mm-hm.
Sequoia Simone: With, like, a little drabble of romance that's, like, not real.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: All right, so my recommendation to go with this fanfiction today is one of our listener submitted fanfictions. And guys, guys. [laughs] Guys. I was reading this last night.
Kim: Is it..?
Sequoia Simone: And I was [very enunciated] crying.
Kim: I think we need to make it required reading.
Sequoia Simone: You. Have. To read this.
Kim: Yeah, this is your assignment.
Sequoia Simone: I. Was. Crying.
Kim: [laughing] I mean, it's not that hard to make you cry.
Sequoia Simone: I know, but like... Ohhh, but like, consistently.
Kim: [laughing] The whole thing?
Sequoia Simone: Throughout the fucking whole thing. It's so good. If you sent this to us, just like... Thank you. [Kim laughs] I just... I literally can't. Um, it's called Quidditch Toned Muscles. [both laugh] And it's a parody. So it's not... It wasn't necessarily good for reading on the podcast.
Kim: Uh-huh.
Sequoia Simone: But it is required reading. It is everything that we say all the time and it's great. So that'll be linked in the description. Please, please, definitely read that.
Kim: Oh, yeah. Oh, no?
Sequoia Simone: No. Oh, fuckity fuckity God damn shit!
Kim: It's time for our...? [Sequoia laughs] Favorite segment!
Sequoia Simone: Segment.
Both: [singing] Summaries! [both laugh]
Sequoia Simone: Holy fucking shit.
Kim: Ohhh.
Sequoia Simone: Damn.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia Simone: Okay. All right. Okay. Here the- here- here's the- here it is. [Kim laughs] Percy gets turned into his prefect badge. Oliver takes care of him and begins falling in love. Or does he? Sometimes love doesn't survive all. It sounds, like, way angstier...
Kim: It does sound really angsty!
Sequoia Simone: [laughing] ...than what it was. What the heck?
Kim: Also, if they were trying to throw you off with the romance tag, why reveal the twist in the summ- never mind. I don't care.
Sequoia Simone: No, I don't know.
Kim: It's fine.
Sequoia Simone: I don't know. [both laugh] So there you go. That was, uh...
Both: [singing] Summaries!
Kim: We might revamp that segment at some point. We had some suggestions from a listener.
Sequoia Simone: Yes.
Kim: But we haven't talked about it.
Sequoia Simone: We haven't talked about it yet.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia Simone: But we will probably revamp that segment.
Kim: Or just keep doing it!
Sequoia Simone: Or, we're obnoxious. [laughs] It is not beyond the scope of...
Kim: Us?
Sequoia Simone: ...reality that we're going to do that. Okay, great.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia Simone: Um.
Kim: Thank you for listening today. That was super fun.
Sequoia Simone: That was [singing] so fun! If you have any little thoughts to send us, like... What is the distillation of your entire soul? Um... [both laugh] You can reach us over social media at Fanatical Fics. I'm sorry.
Kim: Yep. That's great.
Sequoia Simone: That's just a little thought.
Kim: [laughing] That's great. Find us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. And if you have any longer thoughts about what the distillation of your entire soul is... [Sequoia laughs] Or anything else, we also have an email: fanaticalfics@gmail.com
Sequoia Simone: If you like... this thing that we're doing, there are a few ways that you can support us. Um, we will shout out to you at the top of the episode.
Kim: If you drop us a review on iTunes or Facebook.
Sequoia Simone: Um, you-
Kim: They're super helpful.
Sequoia Simone: They are.
Kim: We love getting them. It's nice to hear feedback about what we're doing well, maybe even what we're not doing so well. Let us know.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. Let us know.
Kim: You can also support this podcast by telling people about it.
Sequoia Simone: [singing] Tell all your friends about the podcast.
Kim: We've had a few people who have been tweeting about us.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah.
Kim: When people are like, "hey, what's a good podcast?" Someone's like, "this one!", and it makes me really happy every time I see that.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah, that makes me really happy. I love that.
Kim: So, to those of you who are doing that, thank you.
Sequoia Simone: Thank you very much. Um, you can also find us on Patreon.
Kim: Uh-huh.
Sequoia Simone: That link is in the description of all of our episodes. Um, if you donate to us on a monthly basis, we will give you some stuff!
Kim: Yep. There's bonus written content, bonus audio content, and some swag as well. So check that out.
Sequoia Simone: Yeah. If you're not, um, one of our supporters on Patreon you can still get swag.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia Simone: There's also a form in the description that will get you some cool ass stickers.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia Simone: Ass stickers. [Kim laughs] You're supposed to say that! That's you! [laughs] I...
Kim: I was thinking about something else.
Sequoia Simone: ...am so upset. Okay.
Kim: My bad.
Sequoia Simone: Um, as, you know, as we have talked about several times in this episode-
Kim: Mm-hm.
Sequoia Simone: -we love listener submitted stories!
Kim: Oh, yes.
Sequoia Simone: So much!
Kim: We've got a few recently and they just brighten up my day every time.
Sequoia Simone: So much.
Kim: Every time. So the link to submit those to us is in the episode description, along with all of the other stuff that we've just said.
Sequoia Simone: Just all the things.
Kim: Lots of stuff there.
Sequoia Simone: Find them there.
Kim: So, you know, check that out, send us some whatevers...
Sequoia Simone: Check us out, send us some whatever.
Kim: ...and we will read them because we love them.
Sequoia Simone: And of course, for our theme song, thank you to the Whomping Willows. It's their amazing song Wolf Star. [both laugh] Bye!
Kim: Oh, bye.