Episode 23: Written in the Stars
Get ready for some rare pair MADNESS. What can you do when you’re fated to be mated?! … Mate, we guess.
Recommendation: The Platform
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1963314/1/The-Platform
Kim's Fanfic:
AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14099976
FF.net: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12880740
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Emma
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: Well?
Kim: Oh! Right! Are you recording? Okay. Okay. So... so Sequoia?
Sequoia: Yeah?
Kim: Fuck, marry, kill.
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: Michael Corner.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Terry Boot.
Sequoia: Oh god!
Kim: Anthony Goldstein.
Sequoia: What!? Okay.
Kim: Fuck, marry, kill.
Sequoia: Fuck, marry, kill. Fuck Michael Corner.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Marry Anthony Goldstein.
Kim: Sure?
Sequoia: Kill Terry Boot.
Kim: What did Terry ever do to you!? [both laugh]
Sequoia: I’m not entirely sure why I gave any of those answers, but…
Kim: [sighs] They’re good.
Sequoia: I was pretty sure about it.
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: That happened quickly. I didn’t even have to think about that one.
Kim: Yeah. No hesitation on that. That was good.
Sequoia: Yeah. There you go. [Kim laughs] What about you?
Kim: It doesn’t matter.
Sequoia: No? It doesn’t matter? Only my answer matters?
Kim: It doesn’t matter.
Sequoia: Okay. That’s fine. Only my answer matters! Start the show! [Kim snorts]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them!
Kim: It’s our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: [cheering] What what!
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: There we go, that’s all. That’s all.
Kim: That’s it.
Sequoia: And that’s the end of the podcast! Bye!
Kim: [chuckling] Oh, okay. Are we not actually going to talk about the fanfiction today?
Sequoia: We are. We are going to talk about multiple different fanfictions because you’re going to tell us about your fanfictions.
Kim: Oh, yeah! So I’ve been writing... I’ve written two fanfictions so far, one’s in the process, but as all good fanfiction writers, you know, it’s never coming.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You start a story and you don’t finish it.
Sequoia: I promise I’m going to post chapter two so soon! A/N.
Kim: I need more reviews before I’ll post anything else!
Sequoia: When this gets twenty-five reviews, I will...
Kim: But actually though, what I meant to say... so I’ve been writing those and we released them for our Patreons, but the Patreons are actually getting six month early access to the written content. So I’ve also posted my first fanfiction that I’ve ever written. It’s online right now on both fanfiction.net and Archive of Our Own. My username is KimFanatical. So if you’re interested, you can go look at that I guess. [chuckles]
Sequoia: I’m going to put the links in the description.
Kim: Good. That’s the story I wrote for you specifically.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah! I love that storyyy! I love it.
Kim: So yeah, you should go check that out, I guess. It’s only fair that I share this stuff with everyone since I keep reading you other people’s stuff.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: There we go. That’s awesome.
Kim: [quietly] Yep.
Sequoia: [singing] Awesome! We don’t have any reviews...
Kim: But if we do...
Sequoia: ...to shout out today.
Kim: If we did...
Sequoia: If we did, we’d shout them out.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: Right here.
Kim: Here it is. [pause] Hmm. [both laugh loudly] All right.
Sequoia: Great joke.
Kim: I guess we don’t really have much else to... we usually spend a lot of time babbling at the top of the episode, I feel like.
Sequoia: We do.
Kim: Yeah, I don’t have anything today.
Sequoia: I got nothing.
Kim: I had that one thing at the very beginning.
Both: And now...
Kim: ...let’s do the story. Let’s get into it.
Sequoia: I guess we can just read fanfiction now.
Kim: Oh, don’t sound so down. This thing is... this thing is EXCELLENT. [Sequoia laughs] All right, so I got a great story for you today.
Sequoia: Excellent! We got... okay. So you got a point, then I got a point.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Then you got a point.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...today I am going to get five points. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, sure. You do that, buddy.
Sequoia: I think that’s how exponential increases work, right?
Kim: Uhhh…
Sequoia: Is that how math works?
Kim: Yeah, that's how math… whatevers.
Sequoia: Great. Excellent.
Kim: As a math... thing.
Sequoia: As to have for the math...
Kim: Fuck it. Whatever.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, I’m gonna… bring it on.
Kim: So this story. What do I want to say about this story? This story has some explicit content in it.
Sequoia: Oh shit.
Kim: It’s time again. Here we go.
Sequoia: [in deep voice] Oh shit!
Kim: I think what I’m probably going to do for this one... the sex is fairly standard, so I’m probably just going to summarize it generally when we get to it. We’ll see if that actually happens. I don’t know.
Sequoia: Fairly standard! [laughs]
Kim: But there is some explicit content in the original story for this one.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Just so you’re all aware. I also wanted to let you know, and I guess the listeners as well, this story was written in response to a pairing challenge. [Sequoia gasps] So something that was... it was and probably still is, I don’t know. I’m not big on fanfiction. Whatever. I don’t have a podcast about fanfiction.
Sequoia: Oh my god. [laughs]
Kim: People post challenges or like contests or stuff...
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: ...with specific rules and things.
Sequoia: I used to run contests!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Contest fic is some of my favorite stuff, man.
Kim: So this one was a pairing specific challenge.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: And this was a response to the challenge.
Sequoia: Oh, this is so exciting.
Kim: So get ready to make your predictions, listeners and Sequoia, for Written in the Stars, a romance fic.
Sequoia: Oh shit, okay. It’s a romance fic, it was written for a pairing specific challenge?
Kim: Yeah, so the people it’s about were specified.
Sequoia: Yeah. So I’m going to say... most pairing specific challenges, they’re that way because it’s not a regular pairing, you know. It’s going to be something crazy.
Kim: Some rare pair!
Sequoia: Some rare pair. Shit! I’m going to say that since at the top of the episode you were quizzin’ me [Kim snorts] about some rando background boys...
Kim: That’s just ‘cause I love them. I just think about them a lot. That’s… there’s no other reason beyond that.
Sequoia: I’m going to guess Justin Finch-Fletchley...
Kim: Yes! I love Justin!
Sequoia: ...and Millicent Bulstrode.
Kim: Whoa! That’s good! [both laugh] I like it.
Sequoia: I’m going to guess that there is candy in this fiction.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And I am going to guess that it takes place post Hogwarts.
Kim: Post whose Hog... what do you mean?
Sequoia: Post the trio’s Hogwarts experience.
Kim: After graduation?
Sequoia: Post seventh year.
Kim: Oh, okay. All right. Cool. Awesome.
Sequoia: There we go.
Kim: Let’s do this shit. [Sequoia laughs] Listeners, make sure to send us yours. We love hearing them. We love you.
Sequoia: [whispering] We love you!
Kim: All right, let’s go. Written in the Stars. Is it odd to say your teacher is in love with you? [Sequoia snorts] Or… [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yes. I’m just going to answer the question real quick.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, it’s odd. It’s odd. Okay. Continue.
Kim: Yeah. It’s not... it’s not a healthy relationship already.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: Or even odder to claim that I do not mind the affection?
Sequoia: [singing] What did you get for me today?
Kim: Some weird shit.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: I considered having my fuck/marry/kill thing at the top be McGonagall, Sprout, Flitwick.
Sequoia: [laughs] [pause] Did you want me to answer? [laughs] I’m not going to answer that.
Kim: You don’t have to.
Sequoia: I’m not going to answer that.
Kim: All right, fine. Tweet at us!
Sequoia: Yeah. Listeners!
Kim: Or whatever. Already off track. Whatever. It’s fine. He’s always been nice to me, and saved my life a time or two. He could always read the stars for how things were, and he saw me as a normal kid. So I ask again: is it weird to say your teacher is in love with you? Or weirder when I say I think I love him too? Are you scared?
Sequoia: I’m so scared!
Kim: You should be.
Sequoia: Oh god! [Kim laughs] Oh god!
Kim: [sighs] I think it takes like a really long time for it to say who it is, too.
Sequoia: Goddammit!
Kim: So, you know, got that going for us. This is the story of myself and a man who I was destined to be with. This is the story of the one time I found I didn’t mind things being out of my control, because it led me to the one thing I always wanted: a family.
Sequoia: This is Harry Potter.
Kim: Oh yeah. Come on.
Sequoia: A hundred and twelve percent
Kim: Poor Harry. Who has he been paired with today?
Sequoia: Oh my god, I don’t know, but I’m so frightened.
Kim: [laughs] Wish it was Lockhart.
Sequoia: Oh god!
Kim: No, I don’t. Yes I do!
Sequoia: No, you don’t!
Kim: Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. [Sequoia laughs] I love all pairings.
Sequoia: Excellent. Continue. I’m… I’m intrigued.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: I’m scared but intrigued.
Kim: Okay. Where should I start? The beginning is too far back, and I’m positive that the entirety of the wizarding world knows my secrets. So instead of boring you, I think I’ll start where my destiny finally came to call.
Sequoia: Ahhhhhh!
Kim: It was the end of sixth year when I saw Voldemort again. Not since the Department of Mysteries had I laid eyes upon the scaly bastard.
Sequoia: Ooooh! The scaly bastard!
Kim: I don’t know that he’s scaly.
Sequoia: He… he’s not scaly, but I liked it still. [Kim laughing] I like that Harry’s like, you know my origin story. Everybody knows my origin story.
Kim: I mean, but...
Sequoia: We’re not going to make another Spider-Man origin story.
Kim: Stop killing Uncle Ben! [both laugh] Yeah. Scaly bastard, or so he could once be called. I found in that time that he had restored his youthful looks. Oh, he was still a right bastard and maniacal lunatic, but he was a good looking bastard/lunatic.
Sequoia: He was hot!
Kim: Good looking.
Sequoia: I love stories where Voldemort’s hot!
Kim: Yes. Voldemort went to America and came back hot! [both laugh loudly]
Sequoia: Got a make over! I love it ‘cause it’s just like we’ve... we’ve already got like good looking evil in Draco Malfoy.
Kim: Draco’s not evil. Draco’s a mild inconvenience. [both laugh] Let’s be real. [Sequoia sighs] He tried to taunt me there on the streets of Hogsmeade, but I refused to lose my focus. He taunted me about Sirius and Cedric and Remus. The last had lost his life defending me the summer after my fifth year.
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: Yeah. I guess he’s with Sirius now.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Whomp whomp. Taken out by the lovely Narcissa Malfoy. That was sarcasm and... [both laugh]
Sequoia: Sassy Harry! Here he is!
Kim: Yeah! It’s hard to tell in written text, but he wanted to let you know.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That was sarcasm, and needless to say the former Black did not live too long after.
Sequoia: Oh! Oh! Shit!
Kim: Harry’s ready.
Sequoia: She got what’s coming to her!
Kim: From whomever.
Sequoia: From whatever.
Kim: Anyway, back to the guest of honor, Lord Voldemort.
Sequoia: [laughing] The scaly bastard!
Kim: But he’s not scaly.
Sequoia: Not any more! He’s hot now.
Kim: He taunted me and mocked me, but he never saw his downfall. It wasn’t a fancy spell I had learned in my time at Hogwarts, or a pre-planned defensive strategy from Severus. No, it was a piece of piping. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: This is when I decided that I love this story, when I first read it. I was like, oh wait. What? Yes.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: I had been struggling, tiring from constantly avoiding him, when I found it, half buried under the rubble of what used to be a shop. Finally, I cast my Patronus to blind him long enough for me to get close enough and crush his skull.
Sequoia: Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Kim: Didn’t see that coming, bitch!
Sequoia: You think I was going to kill you with magic?
Kim: He didn’t expect it, though neither did I, and he went down [both laugh]
Sequoia: I love it.
Kim: Oh yeah, this is good. When he dropped his wand, I broke it, and when he was finally dead, completely, with no chance of coming back, I burned his body. And that, ladies and gents, was the end of the Dark Lord Voldemort.
Sequoia: [celebrating] What What!
Kim: Harry’s in the house!
Sequoia: What What!
Kim: The murder house! [both laugh]
Sequoia: [sighs] I love how sassy Harry is.
Kim: It’s good. It’s really good.
Sequoia: Then I killed him with a pipe!
Kim: Just smacked him.
Sequoia: Smacked him over the head.
Kim: You wouldn’t think that would work, but it totally did!
Sequoia: You know what? So here’s the thing. That’s totally valid.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Voldemort would never see a non-magic thing coming.
Kim: Yeah, but...
Sequoia: Because he’s all like power... all power is magic, magic is power.
Kim: Yeah. Also that wouldn’t work.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah it would! [laughs]
Kim: No, it most definitely would not!
Sequoia: Here I blind you with my patronus and... [laughs]
Kim: Oh fine.
Sequoia: Amazing. Amazing.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: All right. Since then, I’ve not left Hogwarts. Well, I did go shopping. [both laugh loudly]
Sequoia: Oh my god, he’s so fabulous!
Kim: [snorts] He’s having a good day.
Sequoia: Since then... I immediately went shopping. I burned Voldemort’s corpse [Kim laughs] and then I went shopping!
Kim: What do you think he went shopping for? A new hat.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yes.
Kim: Well, I did go shopping, but I opted to stay in the castle over the summer. Dumbledore had fallen in the fight, and McGonagall, as the new headmistress, could never say no to me. Because I’m the Chosen One.
Sequoia: Well, he did just defeat Voldemort with a pipe.
Kim: I just killed Voldemort, so gotta let me live at Hogwarts now.
Sequoia: Hey, I live at Hogwarts now! I’m going to go shopping sometimes, but otherwise I live here. [Kim laughs]
Kim: Oh, Harry. My seventh year rolled around, and I found myself becoming friends with the Slytherins. Ron wasn’t too happy.
Sequoia: What? What?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Yeah. War’s over, Sequoia!
Sequoia: Wait! I’m confused. So he stayed there for the summer and then he started his seventh year...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...where he then started becoming friends with the Slytherins.
Kim: He’s friends with everyone now! Everybody loves Harry.
Sequoia: Remember that time when I killed Voldemort with a pipe? [Kim laughs] Do you like the new hat? [both laugh]
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Everybody loves Harry! Yeah. Okay, fine. Fine.
Kim: Ron wasn’t too happy, so he stopped hanging out with me, but Hermione, ever logical, sided with me.
Sequoia: Of course!
Kim: Fuck Ron.
Sequoia: Goddamn.
Kim: What did Ron do to anyone?
Sequoia: What did Ron ever do to fanfiction?
Kim: What did he do to you?
Sequoia: What did he do to you, Steve Kloves?
Kim: [laughs] I even enjoyed Divination again because they had brought Firenze back to teach. The centaur was always pleasant to be around, and I found it interesting. Eventually, spring arrived, and so did the deadline for the N.E.W.T.s, and with three weeks until my N.E.W.T.s, my [dramatically] life took a drastic change.
Sequoia: Bum bum baaa!
Kim: Now, I hate to repeat myself, but...
Sequoia: But remember when I killed Voldemort with a pipe? [both laugh]
Kim: Oh my god, Harry, shut the fuck up.
Sequoia: I’m sorry… so obnoxious. [laughs]
Kim: Harry, nobody fucking cares!
Sequoia: The Slytherins do, they like me now? [Kim sighs] [Sequoia chuckles]
Kim: Now, I hate to repeat myself, but who can recall my little intro about having your teacher fall for you?
Sequoia: I knew it.
Kim: Hands down, people! It was a rhetorical question.
Sequoia: Hands down! [both laugh] Oh my god! Yes!
Kim: This story is so funny. [chuckles] I love this. First person stories are really funny.
Sequoia: They are so fun!
Kim: I like it. Well, this was when I found the truth. “Mate? I’m his mate? How the hell did that happen?”
Sequoia: [singing] Oh my god!
Kim: [laughs] “Do I have a sign on my back that says ‘Control My Life’ or something?”
Sequoia: [mocking voice] Control my life! [normal voice] I’m just repeating what he says. It’s fine.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Continue.
Kim: Is it?
Sequoia: It is. It’s fun for me. I don’t know that it’s fun for everyone else, but that doesn’t matter.
Kim: Okay. Now, as you can tell, I probably didn’t handle it the best way I could have.
Sequoia: [quietly] Nope.
Kim: In all honesty, it was a shock to my system. I didn’t expect to be called to the Headmistress’s office and be told that I’m mated to someone and if I reject them, they die!
Sequoia: Oh my god! The stakes are high!
Kim: Yeah. They’re always high!
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: When you’re fated to be mated! [whispering] Jesus fucking Christ. You’re going to kill me. [both laugh]
Sequoia: The stakes are always high when you’re fated to be mated.
Kim: Don’t quote me on that.
Sequoia: The stakes are always high when you’re... great.
Kim: At the time, I probably would have given my life to be someone else. Now though, I find I could not imagine life without him.
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my god.
Kim: But back to the memory I’m recreating for you.
Sequoia: Oh good, yes. Thank you.
Kim: Sorry for the interruption.
Sequoia: Thank you, Harry.
Kim: “Mr. Potter, please sit down.” I can still hear her exasperation at me. But that was not on my priority list at the time.
Sequoia: Hell no.
Kim: What did make me feel bad was the man who was hurting at my outrage. “I’m sorry, Headmistress, but I need to know how, why, when, and so on before I decide anything.”
Sequoia: I just...
Kim: Yeah, what?
Sequoia: Just keep going.
Kim: Yeah, all right.
Sequoia: Just keep going. [Kim laughs] I… I can’t... I ju... okay... just...
Kim: And that was when he began to talk. “Harry, I didn’t want to force you, and I held off as long as possible. The stars told me I would find my mate at Hogwarts in the coming year. It was why I decided to teach here again. It was…” [snorts]
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Start crying.
Sequoia: Why did… why are we…?
Kim: Start crying!
Sequoia: Why did we...? I knew it! I knew it in the first paragraph! Keep going.
Kim: [laughs] “It was just after returning from winter break that I realized it was you. I’ve avoided telling you, but I cannot hold out any more.” The man spoke softly, already resigned to a fate I had yet to bestow on him. I knew he had given up hope for a life with his mate, a life at all, and I found my heart twisting more and more. “What happens if I say no?” I asked him directly. This was between us.
Sequoia: Get out of this, McGonagall!
Kim: Yeah! Nobody cares! Get out of your office! [Sequoia laughs] “I would slowly be consumed by the thoughts of nature and go insane. If I am lucky, death would claim me early on.” I watched his eyes sink and inside I cried a little.
Sequoia: Just inside though.
Kim: Just inside. And only a little.
Sequoia: Yeah. Just... and just a little.
Kim: Let me take a break for a second.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You see, I had one question on my mind, and honestly...
Sequoia: Oh, I thought you were...
Kim: No, no no no no!
Sequoia: Okay, that was the story.
Kim: That was Harry.
Sequoia: Oh god.
Kim: I don’t need a break. Do you need a break? You don’t get a break.
Sequoia: I need a break.
Kim: You don’t get a break.
Sequoia: No?
Kim: Let Harry take a break for a second.
Sequoia: Great. Fine, Harry. Whatever.
Kim: You see, I had one question on my mind that honestly would be the first thing anyone would think of.
Sequoia: How?
Kim: However, since I’ve neglected to tell you who my mystery mate is...
Sequoia: It’s not a mystery.
Kim: ...I guess I should clue you in before I continue.
Sequoia: The question is how! [both laugh]
Kim: I really wouldn’t want you all to be confused.
Sequoia: No one’s confused.
Kim: My mate is [pause] Firenze!
Sequoia: Written in the Stars.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Written in the Stars.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Sequoia.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Jesus. Christ. Listen to the title. [Kim laughs] In the first like paragraph or something.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: The... you don’t know it’s Harry yet, but he’s like, blah blah blah he saved me a couple of times and something something, and I was like what? No! NO! NOOO! [Kim laughing in background] And yet here we are. I thought, no, then I thought Written in the Stars, then I thought, no.
Kim: It could have been Snape.
Sequoia: It could have been, but I didn’t think that you would do that to me.
Kim: Who knows what I’ll do. [Sequoia laughs] Wild card!
Sequoia: Who writes this as a... who challenges this? [Kim laughs]
Kim: You’re my hero. The great pairing!
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Love all pairings!
Sequoia: My god.
Kim: So what is the first question I wondered about, you may ask.
Sequoia: How! It’s how!
Kim: Well, how [Sequoia laughs] in Merlin’s name would the bond be consummated? [both laugh] I mean, he’s a centaur.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: So I shall continue my story, and we will both find the answer together.
Sequoia: Oh, thanks, Harry! We’re going on this adventure together!
Kim: If you have a weak stomach or are prone to fainting, please proceed with caution.
Sequoia: Is that an author’s note or that’s just Harry?
Kim: That’s Harry.
Sequoia: That’s just Harry?
Kim: Harry’s telling you that.
Sequoia: Okay, I’d like to... I’d like to say that I... [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah, not you. That doesn’t apply to you.
Sequoia: Oh god, it doesn’t?
Kim: It doesn’t apply to you.
Sequoia: It does apply to you though, listener.
[pause]
Kim: No, it doesn’t apply to you either.
Sequoia: No?! [both laugh loudly] Stop listening to this episode!
Kim: You made it this far! You’re in it! We’re in it together!
Sequoia: [singing to the tune of High School Musical’s “We’re All in This Together] We’re all in this together!
Kim: Shut the fuck up!
Sequoia: Oh my god! I just need to make myself feel better, just for a second, just before...
Kim: No! We have to keep going.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: “How?” I paused for breath, knowing I could not keep my blush at bay. [wavering voice] “How...would this be consummated?” [Sequoia lets out a loud burst of laughter]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: “...if I said yes?” Even Firenze seemed to be fighting the urge to blush. Do you think McGonagall was too?
Sequoia: McGonagall’s gone.
Kim: She's left?
Sequoia: She’s not even in the room any more!
Kim: She said fuck this shit.
Sequoia: She could see how this conversation was going to go. [Kim laughs] She was like, I don’t wanna know.
Kim: [sighs] But before he could answer, a polite cough was heard from McGonagall.
Sequoia: Oh, she’s still there.
Kim: She smiled at us and sent us on our way, stating something along the lines of us not needing her help. Please leave my office before you get started on whatever it is you’re about to do. [Sequoia laughs] Yes, it is suspenseful, but this is how it happened, so quit chatting and pay attention.
Sequoia: Harry, we never quit chatting [Kim laughs] here at Fanatical Fics. It is constant chatting. [Kim continues laughing] You stop chatting!
Kim: This is Harry’s story, Sequoia.
Sequoia: [mockingly] This is Harry’s story! [Kim laughs]
Kim: Look, I know you’re upset, but I’m going to keep reading this to you.
Sequoia: Oh my god! What if I just keep chatting?
Kim: As I was saying, she sent us on our way, and we adjourned to his rooms.
Sequoia: Bleagh.
Kim: “Back to your question, Harry.”
Sequoia: Bleagh.
Kim: “I would be human for our consummation.”
Sequoia: Whaaat? Okay, that’s like better than what I... I’m glad, but also... I’m going to cry. [Kim laughs] I can’t do… what have you done? What have you done?
Kim: I found this for you. And me. And everyone. [Sequoia groans] “I would be human for our consummation, should you agree, so it would work the same way as any other gay couple.” Yeah. “And that would be…?”
Sequoia: Ohhhh, poor little sweet summer child.
Kim: I couldn’t lie to him. I was clueless. You see, having a Dark Lord constantly trying to kill me and not really understanding that it was all right to be gay until after Voldemort was dead, sort of made me a virgin. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I’d like to point out that as far as we know, there’s like no good sexual education...
Kim: Oh, there’s zero.
Sequoia: ...aat Hogwarts. Like, zero.
Kim: We found that out back in Crime and Punishment, when Neville didn’t know that...
Sequoia: Oh, right!
Kim: ....all wizards are gay.
Sequoia: All wizards are gay! Oh, I forgot all wizards are gay. [Kim sighs] Yeah. So, I mean, I don’t blame him really.
Kim: Makes... makes sense that he doesn’t know the mechanics.
Sequoia: “I was fighting Voldemort, so obviously I’m a virgin!”
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay, checks out.
Kim: Laugh all you want, I was a virgin that close to graduation.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: You know, Harry, it’s okay. When you’re ready.
Sequoia: It’s okay.
Kim: It doesn’t matter...
Sequoia: Harry.
Kim: ...when.
Sequoia: I mean, it kind of does though, because Firenze is going to die.
Kim: Oh, right! [both laugh loudly] They might not need to consummate it. No, they prob... they almost definitely do.
Sequoia: Yeah, I’m gonna… I’m gonna... from my knowledge of fanfiction...
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: ...I’m going to say that it will have to be consummated on like [in witchy voice] midnight on the third day!
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Whatever.
Kim: Or else.
Sequoia: Or else.
Kim: Death!
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Funny that Harry doesn’t die too if he’s also fated to be [pause] mated.
Sequoia: Yeah. Fated to be mated.
Kim: I said it again. I couldn’t think of anything else to say there. [Sequoia laughs] Let me... let’s get back to the story. Let’s just stop. I can’t.
Sequoia: No. Okay. Fine. Fine.
Kim: “Well, um, I’m not really the person to explain the ins and outs of sexual relations.” Then who is?!
Sequoia: Yeah! S… you… s...
Kim: Harry needs help! The boy needs help!
Sequoia: The boy needs help!
Kim: Somebody!
Sequoia: And like, if you’re the one that needs the...
Kim: Yeah, right.
Sequoia: ...the deed, you gotta...
Kim: You could at least… you could at least like give him some crude hand gestures to show him...
Sequoia: Stop doing that!
Kim: To show him what he should be expecting.
Sequoia: [laughing] No! Oh, no, no, no! [Kim claps to mimic the sound of sex] [Sequoia sounds increasingly distressed] No! Why?!
Kim: Or whatever!
Sequoia: [sighs] Quick reminder that this podcast is not suitable for children. [both laugh]
Kim: I put the disclaimer at the top! I said it!
Sequoia: Whoo! Okay. All right, so he needs Harry to love him, but he’s not going to explain how it works.
Kim: So Firenze... yeah.
Sequoia: That’s lame. Next.
Kim: Yeah, right? And Harry says, “All right, can I think about this?”
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh god.
Kim: “Of course, Harry.”
Sequoia: [witchy voice] Until midnight on the third day!
Kim: “But if I do not hear from you by graduation day, then I will know you have not accepted. Agreed?” “Agreed. Good night, Firenze.”
Sequoia: [singing] Oh Jesus!
Kim: Though the conversation plagued me, I was able to focus on my N.E.W.T.s. I am the proud owner of six out of ten N.E.W.T.s.
Sequioa: That’s…
Kim: Who needs History of Magic and Arithmancy anyway?
Sequoia: Oh, Harry.
Kim: Why were you sitting the Arithmancy N.E.W.T., Harry? You didn’t take that class, buddy.
Sequoia: You didn’t need to.
Kim: Buddy.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Buddy.
Sequoia: [whispering] Buddy. [both laugh] Six out of ten. Perfect score. [both laugh]
Kim: You know, it’s as good as can be hoped for.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, it’s fine.
Kim: I trimmed a section here where Firenze sends Harry a present every day before his exams. It was kind of long, and you know.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah.
Kim: He gets him some nice presents. Harry’s like, oh, how nice.
Sequoia: Cool. Boring.
Kim: Right? Who cares about romance?
Sequoia: We’ll just… yeah. [bored voice] Get presents for the person you like.
Kim: Let’s get to the good stuff! [Sequoia laughs] Whatever.
Sequoia: Whatever.
Kim: My last night in the castle, I decided on one more adventure.
Sequoia: [snorts] What? [both laugh]
Kim: What? [Sequoia keeps laughing] What?
Sequoia: No, go ahead and keep reading the story, I guess.
Kim: I’d already warned my friends I would not be on the train and packed everything except my cloak.
Sequoia: Don’t wait up, bitches!
Kim: Who’s he yelling at? Ron doesn’t care any more.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah! Just Hermione!
Kim: Think Hermione could have put it together.
Sequoia: And Hermione’s like, I’m not… I wasn’t... I don’t need to… I have no...
Kim: Hermione’s like what? I don’t ca… what? Don’t tell me where you’re going. I don’t wanna know.
Sequoia: I don’t want to know either, but I have to know.
Kim: I slipped the silky material over my head and headed out for my midnight excursion. All right, it was only 9:30pm, but that was close enough.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh no!
Kim: I made my way to his classroom, slipping inside silently. There he was, staring at the enchanted stars, looking tired and forlorn. I knew he had not heard me and I moved until I was just behind him [Sequoia snorts] [both laugh] before dropping my cloak. [Kim sighs]
Sequoia: [still laughing] Okay, fine!
Kim: Then, I simply waited until he acknowledged me. [both laugh] Just standing behind him, not making any noises.
Sequoia: You ain’t got nothing sexy to say, Harry?
Kim: Look at Harry. Look at him. Do you think he has something sexy to say? [Sequoia laughing] No! He does not. He’s just going to stand here awkwardly. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my god! This is so great!
Kim: I love this story.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay. Yeah. Continue.
Kim: I simply waited until he acknowledged me. It didn’t take long, and surprise colored his face when he saw it was me. I honestly believe he thought I was going to forget about him, but I couldn’t. Now I just needed to show him that. After he got over his shock, which was awfully quick, I might add...
Sequoia: [laughs] Sassy Harry interjection!
Kim: He can’t stop. They just keep coming.
Sequoia: No, he can’t help himself. He’s just sassy by nature!
Kim: He offered me a small smile and led the way to his rooms. I followed closely behind him, scared out of my mind. Sure, I’d heard of sex and babies and such but the fundamentals of the boys’ locker room were far different than what I was facing.
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my god. I don’t know, sex and babies and stuff.
Kim: You know that’s the [both make clapping noises] or whatever.
Sequoia: [laughing] Do you hate us yet, listeners? Do you? [Kim sighs]
Kim: “Harry.” I could hear him, but I put my finger on his lips, content with the silence.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: Tentatively, I pushed my lips to his. My lips were dry...
Sequoia: Dahhh! Bleagh!
Kim: So dry.
Sequoia: This is not a good... that’s not a good start. This is not...
Kim: ...and I was glad when he took the initiative, running his tongue over my lips...
Sequoia: [yelling] Ahhhhh!
Kim: ...and deepening the kiss...
Sequoia: Ahhhh!!!
Kim: ...when I opened my mouth for air.
Sequoia: Ahhhhh!
Kim: Is this too much? [Sequoia laughs] I’m never sure how much is too much.
Sequoia: It’s me.
Kim: All too soon though... [both laugh] My bad. ...he pulled back, holding me in place and staring straight into my eyes.
Sequoia: Straight into my eyes? Dinggg! Yeah.
Kim: “Harry,” he began. “I need you to tell me you want this. You don’t have to do this out of duty or obligation. I don’t think I could handle that.” I raised my hand to cup his cheek, speaking from the heart. “I could not do that to you, Firenze. I cannot tell you I’m not scared, because I am. But over the last three weeks you’ve shown me what kind of person you are. This is something I want. Trust me.”
Sequoia: Oh that’s really nice.
Kim: Isn’t it? That’s, like, really nice.
Sequoia: That’s really nice.
Kim: It’s sweet. Sometimes Harry deserves nice things. [pause] Sometimes! [Sequoia laughs] He gave me another kiss, before pulling back once more. “I need you to repeat after me so this can happen, all right?” “All right.” He linked both of our hands and began to speak, my repetitions following close behind. “I call, I claim, I intercept.” Interception! [Sequoia laughs] Or whatever!
Sequoia: Or whatever!
Kim: “I hold the right to tame this mane.”
Sequoia: Oh Jesus.
Kim: “Our fingers locked have made us one, our lives connected, never done. Together gives us once our night, to learn, to find, to claim what’s right.”
Sequoia: Oh my gosh.
Kim: Getting a little...intense.
Sequoia: Guhhhhh. Yeah.
Kim: I don’t know. Whatever.
Sequoia: Tame the mane!
Kim: Right? It’s so good.
Sequoia: I can’t. I can’t. [laughs]
Kim: So good!
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: As I finished my words, a blue glow circled him and where once stood a centaur, now stood a man.
Sequoia: Hooray!
Kim: Yay!
Sequoia: [laughs] It worked!
Kim: [chuckles] Things are going to be okay! “Tonight, Harry, I am yours. Tonight, you are mine. Together, we are one.” He moved in for another kiss, steadily undoing my night clothes.
Sequoia: Ohh!
Kim: As he was already naked... [Sequoia laughs] I mean, he started naked.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly.
Kim: Centaurs don’t wear clothes.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: If a centaur wore pants… [both laugh for an extended period] Or whatever! As he was already naked, I figured he was anxious for me to be the same. Hell, so was I. I had been anxious for the same. Sorry for the interruptions. Back to the pensieve.
Sequoia: Oh god! What?!
Kim: Not only is he describing this for you, we just found out that you’re seeing this!
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: We’re in the pensieve.
Sequoia: We’re in the... okay.
Kim: Harry’s standing next to you
Both: ...narrating…
Kim: ...his memory! [both laugh]
Sequoia: “You see this right there, I also wanted to be naked quickly. Do you see this?”
Kim: “Look, how about this area right here? Do you see it?”
Sequoia: “Do you see he was a centaur and now he’s a man!”
Kim: All right. So for Sequoia’s sake, right here...
Sequoia: Please.
Kim: I’m going to say they have some sex.
Sequoia: Okay. thank you.
Kim: They have some sex.
Sequoia: I appreciate that. [both laugh]
Kim: I… there’s this one thing though. I have to tell you. I have to tell you.
Sequoia: Fine. Fine.
Kim: There’s this thing that I love in erotic literature where somebody is digitally penetrating another person, with like a whole bunch of fingers. Let’s say four.
Sequoia: Let’s say. Yep.
Kim: Or five. Or a whole fist or whatever.
Sequoia: Yeah, okay.
Kim: And then they remove that and insert something else.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Like a penis.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And the person who’s receiving is like, this is even bigger than that fist was! [Sequoia laughs loudly] I’d just like to mention that I think that’s funny. Every time I see that. [both laugh] Even bigger than the fist! [both keep laughing] Or whatever! All right. So Harry and Firenze totally do it.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: In the middle of the night, I felt something different. Then, suddenly...
Sequoia: He’s a horse again. [both laugh]
Kim: Whatever, Sequoia. There was a light concentrated on my stomach and an unending pain.
Sequoia: What the fuck?
Kim: It lasted for nearly ten minutes before it disappeared, letting me fall back asleep in the arms of my love. When...
Sequoia: He’s a centaur! [both laugh] What?
Kim: No! Even better. Are you ready?
Sequoia: Oh my god! What is happening?
Kim: When the sickness came in the morning, I knew. For some reason, I knew.
Sequoia: Jes... is he pregnant?!
Kim: [laughing] I was pregnant.
Sequoia: You love Mpreg don’t you?
Kim: Mpreg’s amazing!
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: It’s so great, every time!
Sequoia: Oh my god! [Kim laughs] [Sequoia sighs]
Kim: [sighs] Mpreg time.
Kim: I’m not going to bore you with the specifics.
Sequoia: Thanks, Harry.
Kim: There were a fair amount of fights and Firenze sleeping on the couch.
Sequoia: [sassily] Oh no!
Kim: What does a horse’s couch look like? [Sequoia laughs loudly] Sequoia?
Sequoia: [laughing] What kind of a… what’s… what is...
Kim: It’s not like... can a horse sit on a normal couch?
Sequoia: It’s just a bigger couch!
Kim: Okay. [Sequoia laughs] I had mood swings and cravings, though I still don’t see what’s wrong with a cookie dough, pickle, and marshmallow shake.
Sequoia: I don’t see what’s wrong with that either. It sounds perfectly delicious.
Kim: [laughing] I’m gonna make it for ya.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah.
Kim: In fact I have one for you right here.
Sequoia: Yay!
Kim: No, I don’t. No.
Sequoia: My favorite food besides burnt cinnamon toast. [both laugh]
Kim: Call back, call back!
Sequoia: Call back!
Kim: You’ve heard it all before. Shoot...
Sequoia: [singing] Yes, I have!
Kim: ...most of you have probably been through it.
Sequoia: [singing] No, I haven’t!
Kim: I don’t think that’s...
Sequoia: I don’t think that’s accurate!
Kim: I don’t think that’s true, Harry.
Sequoia: That’s not a… that’s no…
Kim: Most people... never mind, you’ll find out later.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: But see, there is something new about this, as there always is with me.
Sequoia: Mpreg. Continue.
Kim: Yeah. Beyond the Mpreg.
Sequoia: Harry. Harry.
Kim: Beyond the Mpreg. After nine months, I was forced to have a caesarean section because I was the first human, let alone male, to give birth to a centaur.
Sequoia: Little horse baby.
Kim: And of course, the baby can’t be born human.
Sequoia: Little horse baby.
Kim: No, no, he was born a full out centaur.
Sequoia: Full on horse baby.
Kim: Yep. [both laugh] Harry was pregnant with...
Both: ...a horse.
Sequoia: - baby
Kim: Even though Firenze was a dude when they did it, baby comes out horse.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Explain that, science! Can’t explain that!
Sequoia: Nope! Um…
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: I like how much like Veela’s Nest... Harry’s like the only blah to be pregnant with blah, or you know, like the first whichever…
Kim: Yeah. I found this story months ago.
Sequoia: Really?
Kim: And I’ve been waiting to do it until we got some space from Veela’s Nest.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Kim: I thought twenty episodes was enough.
Sequoia: Yeah! [both laugh] That’s… that’s about good.
Kim: But you still brought it up anyway. Fine!
Sequoia: I did. [mumbling] I just wanted... I… thought it was mandatory. This was a different story.
Kim: Harry gave birth to a centaur. I’m afraid this is where our story ends, for now.
Sequoia: Ohh!
Kim: My child is now a year old, and I have come to find how much I love my mate. We live comfortably out in the country, far away from the fickle world.
Sequoia: Oh shit!
Kim: [whispering] What does that mean? Harry? Harry, what does that mean?
Sequoia: He’s just… he’s just, you know, he’s been through a lot.
Kim: I guess so. We are both content to raise our son. When I started this story, I spoke of how Firenze promised me a family. Today, I have that family, and I am proud to say I have one more on the way.
Sequoia: Aww!
Kim: Harry liked giving birth to a centaur so much, he’s doing it a second time!
Sequoia: He’s doing it again!
Kim: Yep. Today, I found a home with him and tomorrow, I see our love written in the stars. [Sequoia makes an explosion noise and laughs] The end!
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: So there that... there’s that. I...
Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: ....found that...
Sequoia: I loved that.
Kim: ...for you. No, you... did you…? [laughs]
Sequoia: No.
Kim: You cried the entire time! If you could just stop crying.
Sequoia: Just like... [pause] listen. I loved sassy Harry. There was a lot of great sassy Harry moments.
Kim: Oh yeah. I think my favorite thing about the story is how Harry kills Voldemort. A hundred percent.
Sequoia: Oh my god, I had forgotten! [both laugh]
Kim: That’s my favorite part.
Sequoia: So much happens!
Kim: Voldemort got hot, Harry hit him in the head, and then he died! [both laugh] Great! I love it! I love stories that are set after Harry defeats Voldemort that either don’t bother to explain how he did it or just like pick a way...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ...that’s ridiculous.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Because it’s always ridiculous. I love it.
Sequoia: This was great.
Kim: It was good.
Sequoia: Great. Solid.
Kim: Thank you. [both chuckle] Thank you.
Sequoia: We’re in the pensieve.
Kim: Apparently.
Sequoia: It’s just like… [splutters]
Kim: Apparently. Yes.
Sequoia: When was that story written?
Kim: 2006.
Sequoia: Huh. That was an adventure. I am still kind of like who writes a challenge... Harry/Firenze challenge.
Kim: Somebody great. [Sequoia laughs] I’m very pro that.
Sequoia: I… I missed the mark. By a lot.
Kim: It’s a rare pair.
Sequoia: Just, like, miles.
Kim: It’s a rare pair.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s a rare pair. It should be... should remain a rare pair.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Continue to be...
Kim: Only rare pairs allowed!
Sequoia: Oh my god! Harry’s just having some horse babies!
Kim: Centaur babies!
Sequoia: Some horse babies!
Kim: Half horse!
Sequoia: [sighs] Do you have a recommendation?
Kim: Oh, probably.
Sequoia: Wait, wait, wait!
Kim: Oh the summary?
Sequoia: The summary!
Kim: The summary doesn’t summarize the story. This is written for Harry/Firenze challenge. Please rate and review and enjoy.
Sequoia: [laughing] So if anyone wants us to stop doing this segment...
Kim: The reason I clicked on it, though, was because of the tags. You want to hear the tags?
Sequoia: Oh, yeah, let’s do that.
Kim: Mpreg. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yep. There you go. That’s all you need.
Kim: That’s the only one that’s important.
Sequoia: That was what you needed
Kim: The other ones are not important. That’s the good one.
Sequoia: Great. Great.
Kim: That’s the tag you gotta be looking for.
Sequoia: Oh god.
Kim: Whoo! All right. Let’s see. So last episode I told you about that story where James and Lily were on Platform 9¾ after they died.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah!
Kim: I’m recc’ing that story today.
Sequoia: Nice!
Kim: It’s called The Platform and was... it was written in 2004.
Sequoia: Wow. All right.
Kim: So. I thought it was really neat how prescient that was, I guess.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So there you go.
Sequoia: Cool. Yeah, the link to that will be in the description. We did have one person tweet at us saying that they read the recommendation!
Kim: Somebody! Your recommendation from last time was [pause] gross [pause] ...ly cute. I vomited.
Sequoia: I loved it.
Kim: Sugar. I vomited sugar up after reading it. It was really good. I liked it a lot.
Sequoia: I loved it.
Kim: That was a good one. I love fanfiction!
Sequoia: Love fanfiction!
Kim: And I hope you do too, listeners.
Sequoia: Yeah, if you are reading our recommendations or wanna give us the... your answer for our fuck/marry/kills today, you can tweet at us or whatever. We’re on social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, @FanaticalFics.
Kim: Yep. If you have any longer thoughts to send us… I dunno what. Whatever. Fan mail.
Sequoia: Some… some… some shit, I don’t know.
Kim: Our email is fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: If you read lots of fanfiction, or any fanfiction, or have read one fanfiction, and you want to give it to us so our eyes may consume it as well, you can fill out our form in the description of this episode.
Kim: There’s a link to the form.
Sequoia: To the form.
Kim: I love them. [Sequoia laughs] We’ve gotten some great stuff.
Sequoia: Yeah, thank you for… for all your submissions.
Kim: Oh, I love them.
Sequoia: We really appreciate it. We will read all fanfiction. We love fanfiction. Every fanfiction.
Kim: Keep sending them to me.
Sequoia: Keep ‘em up.
Kim: I need more [whispers] mpreg.
Sequoia: Oh Jesus. Okay. [both laugh] If you’d like to support our podcast, there are a few ways you can do that.
Kim: There are!
Sequoia: Do you want to start with one? Do you know what’s going on? Did you say mpreg and now you have to laugh for ten minutes? [Kim laughing] Christ Almighty!
Kim: [laughing] No! [Sequoia laughs] That’s not what’s happening.
Sequoia: I would beg to fucking differ!
Kim: Everything’s fine! [both laugh] One of the ways you can help us is to review us on iTunes or Facebook or...
Sequoia: Whatever!
Kim: ....a street corner! [Sequoia laughs] Let people know that this is a podcast that is good.
Sequoia: If you send us a... if you...
Kim: Nope! Nope!
Sequoia: ...post on Instagram a video of you standing on a street corner, screaming at people to listen to our podcast...
Kim: Don’t do that! I’m serious!
Sequoia: ...I will send you free stickers. That is not a joke.
Kim: That’s not a good trade! Don’t do that! [both laugh] Don’t encourage us! Jesus.
Sequoia: Another way that you can support the podcast is to politely tell a friend who might like it, not on a street corner. [Kim laughs] And finally, you can support us on Patreon.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: We have some fun perks there, we’ve got stickers, we’ve got bonus content, bonus audio content, bonus written content.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: One of the cool things that you get from that experience is, after six months, we shout you out on the podcast.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: In the way that we’ve been doing it.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: You know… you know the drill
Kim: We do them as story summaries that Sequoia will give us, and I… or character voices.
Sequoia: Yeah. So we’re going to do those now! Let’s go! Kim?
Kim: [deep bro (Sirius) voice] Being a new Prefect is stressful! I get it, Courtney, but there’s no reason to be alarmed about me being in the girls’ dormitories. There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation, which is that... oh no! What’s that behind you? Duck! [both laugh] Sequoia?
Sequoia: There’s a new threat at Hogwarts. It seems to be a sinister ghost. Two unlikely heroes will have to team up. Monica and Hermione, the best of friends! [teenage girl voice] A/N I love Hermione too!
Kim: Nice. Cool. All right, hope you’re enjoying those ‘cause we definitely are!
Sequoia: We like them. They’re fun. There won’t be any for a couple of episodes after this, actually.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Yeah. I’m also sad
Kim: I’m just going to make some up. I’m going to keep doing them for no… for myself.
Sequoia: I’m so sad.
Kim: Thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their amazing song “Wolfstar” as our theme song.
Sequoia: All riiiiiiiight!
Kim: Bye!
Sequoia: Bye!