Episode 118: The Fourth Christmas Special: An Elaborate Charade (w/Hannah Scharton)
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Transcriber: Abbey
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Hannah: Is it just me, or is it viscerally uncomfortable to have your skin touch your skin?
Sequoia: Yeah!
Hannah: Okay, that's a thing?
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Hannah: Do you feel that way?
Kim: No.
Hannah: Okay.
Sequoia: Okay. Well.
Hannah: That’s valid. Well, two out of three! [everyone laughs] [singing] Making relatable content, ahh! [everyone laughs] Ooh, I have spit and tea on the… on the… [everyone laughs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: I'm Kim.
Hannah: [in a high pitched cackle] And I'm Hannah!
Kim: Oh my god! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: And this is [laughing] Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Hannah: Teehee!
Kim: A Harry Potter fanfiction podcast Christmas special episode that I am just starting to be concerned about, actually. I wasn't concerned until…
Hannah: Listen, here's the fucking thing. You chose to invite me here. [everyone laughs] There were multiple layers of consent and [inaudible] inside of this recording studio. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: It's funny because if… if y'all are people who listen to BMIS, and especially that listen to BMIS bonus content, you will recognize…
Kim: To like the…
Sequoia: …whatever voice Hannah just did. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh! [everyone laughs] You were doing a callback to something I haven't heard.
Kim: Excellent.
[Hannah cackles]
Sequoia: Well.
Kim: It's Christmas, that means we've invited some of our family…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …onto the podcast.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: The family member we usually choose is unavailable.
Sequoia: Yeah. He's caretaking.
Hannah: He had a baby.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He's busy.
Sequoia: He's busy. So…
Hannah: I’m substitute teachering.
Kim: …we chose the next best thing.
Hannah: Wow, fuck you. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Look, the people have spoken.
Sequoia: They like Colin more than they like US.
Kim: Exactly.
Hannah: That’s valid. Honestly, I like Colin more than I like me. [everyone laughs] I mean, what? If my therapist is listening to this, no, you're not. [everyone laughs]
Kim: That’s right, friends. We've brought Hannah back on.
Hannah: Yay!
Kim: For the first time ever, onto…
Sequoia: For a regular episode. Yeah.
Kim: …a regularish episode.
Sequoia: Yeah, Hannah has done our…
Kim & Sequoia: …tabletop…
Sequoia: …roleplay… I was going to say D&D, but not…
Kim: She's been… she’s been our tabletop friend.
Sequoia: Yeah. Our tabletop…
Kim: So If you skip those, you wouldn't know…
Sequoia: Yeah, that's true.
Kim: …how wonderful Hannah is.
Hannah: Aw.
Sequoia: How much.
Hannah: I think you're negging me now. [everyone laughs] Hella sus!
Kim: All right! I’ll… I’ll dial whatever it is I'm doing back. [everyone laughs] It's Christmas time. I can be nice. Probably.
Sequoia: Can you? [Kim laughs] Yeah, we haven't had Hannah on a regular… Hannah has been on four episodes… [Kim laughs]
Hannah: Wow.
Sequoia: …but never on a fanfiction episode…
Kim: That’s weird
Sequoia: …of the podcast.
Hannah: Well, one could argue that the tabletop experiences that we create together are sort of like…
Sequoia: Are…
Kim: Writing fanfiction.
Sequoia: Yes!
Hannah: Yeah!
Sequoia: Yeah, they are… they are a fanfiction writing… a collective fan fiction writing experience.
Hannah: Yes, communal storytelling. [laughs]
Sequoia: Exactly. But usually… so we haven’t had… in a few months, we haven't had a new guest on. In a few months.
Kim: True. We're very unfriendly. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: We're like… we’re incredibly disorganized, and therefore it is difficult for us to schedule other people into our experience.
Kim: Look, it can be bo… it can be both. [very high pitched] It can be both! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: So usually we would do… we haven’t… Hannah’s been here, but we haven't done the guest questions.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And usually we would do them.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But we are not going to do them. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Next time maybe. Somebody picked a very long episode…
Sequoia: Listen.
Kim: [stammers] Somebody picked a long story.
Sequoia: And it was you.
Kim: And they said, look, Sequoia, I know I've done Christmas a few times without you. We tried to…
Sequoia: But I can't get this story any shorter than twenty six hundred words, and I was like, that's great because I have not found anything yet. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Yeah. She came out of the bathroom after you told her that and was very pleased with the scenario.
Sequoia: I was like, ha ha! I don't have to go read Christmas fanfictions tonight any more. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Christmas is hard to find, and honestly, Sequoia, I don't usually put you on blast like this. You left it too long.
Sequoia: I did. I’m glad that you fou… yours was really long, though. I'm surprised that you thought you were going to get it to a… [laughing] to an amount that I could also do a fanfiction. [laughs]
Kim: Delusional. I'm delusional. It's fine. Speaking of which, we better cut the bullshit.
Sequoia: Oh, right. We should probably talk about something else, like Spotify Wrapped.
Kim: Sure! ‘Cause we've got a lot of bullshit, it turns out.
Sequoia: That's true. Here's the thing. Spotify Wrapped is my favorite time of the year.
Hannah: I love it so much.
Kim: Because we get to hear about how much you all like us. Oh, not just because of [everyone laughs] normal people liking Spotify Wrapped things.
Hannah: I mean, also valid. I hope you guys do Instagram stuff.
Kim & Sequoia: Yes.
Hannah: I get all of the notifications, and when I tell you my phone was fucking blowing up…
Sequoia: Blowing up!
Hannah: Blowing up.
Kim: Yeah bud!
Hannah: It was… it was cute, I liked it.
Kim: It’s fun.
Sequoia: Yeah. It is nice to hear from everybody. On the podcaster side of Spotify, they give you as a podcast a Wrapped as well.
Hannah: Oh, cute. I didn’t realize that.
Sequoia: And I believe this… this last year, we were played in thirty six countries, and we were two thousand and one podcast listeners' number one podcast.
Kim: Aw.
Hannah: Aw.
Kim: Well, wherever we fell on your podcast listening list this year, we're happy to have you. Happy holidays.
Sequoia: Yeah! Also, one other thing before we get started with fanfiction. As we announced last episode, we still have the forms open for you to submit to our big livestream extravaganza.
Kim: Open to all.
Sequoia: Open to all.
Kim: I want to underline that.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: We said it last time, saying it again.
Sequoia: Everyone…
Kim: It was a Patreon goal, but it is for you.
Sequoia: Yeah, not just patrons. It'll be for everyone.
Hannah: Everyone!
Kim: Are y'all ready for the Christmas fanfiction portion of this Christmas fanfiction podcast?
Sequoia: I am ready.
Kim: Then let's get some predictions in, Sequoia.
Hannah: I'm nervous.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Hannah. Listeners.
Hannah: Okay.
Kim: Let's do the clues.
Sequoia: Clues!
Kim: Clue number one is the title. The title is An Elaborate Charade.
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Hannah: Oh god. Okay.
Sequoia: This is going to be so hard. Okay, what is it? What's the genre?
Kim: The genre is romance/humor.
Sequoia: Ah, fuck, of course it is.
Kim: The time period is between Goblet of Fire and Order of the Phoenix.
Hannah: Oh no.
Kim: Sequoia knows this, so I'm going to tell everyone. This fanfiction is by an author who has been recced before.
Hannah: Oooh! Okay. Prediction number one. There will not be a game of charades. [Kim & Sequoia laugh]
Kim: Excellent.
Hannah: I’m going to… my heart is telling me that Ginny is going to be one of the main characters. I have nothing to base this off of.
Sequoia: Go with your heart.
Hannah: But it's what I want.
Sequoia: Yeah, go with your heart.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Can't be any worse than whatever I'm about to fucking do. [laughs]
Kim: If you don't at least two out of three it, Sequoia, I am going to be disappointed in you.
Hannah: Oh, wow!
Sequoia: Are you fucking joking? Jesus. Okay.
Hannah: Damn. I think that somebody is going to wear a sexy Christmas outfit. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Ooh, that’s good. My predictions. Number one, this is Drarry.
Kim: Okay!
Sequoia: Number two, there is some kind of mistletoe experience.
Kim: Hell yeah.
Sequoia: Prediction number three. This will feature a prank by the twins.
Kim: Nice.
Hannah: It's a good prediction.
Kim: Those were all solid predictions. I will reveal which author this is at some point during the reading. I don't want to give the game away immediately.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay, that's fair.
Kim: All right. Let's dive into An Elaborate Charade. “Checkmate.” Ron's deep blue eyes glittered mercilessly as the white king threw down his crown in defeat. “Ooh, I'll get you, Ron Weasley. I will win one of these days.” [Hannah laughs]
Sequoia: [laughs] Ah, this is going to be Ronmione.
Kim: Do you want to know what this author wrote that you recced?
Sequoia: Oh no. I'm so sad already. What is it?
Kim: Quill You Marry Me?
Sequoia: [gasps] That was one of my first recommendations!
Kim: It was.
Sequoia: Wow, what a deep cut!
Hannah: That’s a throwback.
Sequoia: That is a big throwback. Oh, and now I’m mad. [everyone laughs] Okay.
Kim: Harry, sitting nearby, glanced up from Quidditch Through the Ages and chuckled. “Some day, Hermione,” he assured her. “Some day we'll both beat him.”
Sequoia: No you won’t.
Kim: Ron's good at one thing. [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: Two things.
Kim: Oh.
Hannah: Chess. Snacking.
Sequoia: Snacking!
Kim: Three things.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: Chess, snacking, self-sabotage. [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: Four things, chess, snacking, self-sabotage, being a redhead. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Five things! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: This is a fun game! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: I was just going to add being poor.
Kim: Oh.
Hannah: Oh! [everyone laughs]
Kim: The portrait hole swung open, and Fred and George bounded into the common room. “It's snowing again,” Fred announced joyfully. “Who wants to go have a proper snowball battle?”
Sequoia: Ooh, snowball fight.
Hannah: That’s good one.
Kim: Yeah, how fun! I feel snowball fights feature often in Perciver.
Sequoia: They do. They do. I love Perciver.
Kim: Because Percy’s all uptight and Oliver’s like, sports!
Sequoia: And Oliver’s like… [makes wordless sounds] [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Valid.
Kim: Anyway. The Christmas holidays had come to Hogwarts again. Very few of the students in the house remained for the holidays this year. Harry stayed, of course, because he always did.
Sequoia: Yep. Because who would want to go home?
Kim: Well, they don't want him to come home.
Sequoia: They don't want him to come home.
Kim: Hermione’s parents had gone to Italy for the month, some European dentistry symposium. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Oh my god. I love that for them.
Kim: Yeah. It sounds very nice.
Hannah: ‘Cause here's the thing. They're going to… they’re going to a dentistry symposium, they're probably also having a nice dinner away from their child.
Sequoia: Some good wine.
Hannah: Do… do… do Hermione parents fuck? Presumably at least once. [Sequoia laughs] They're also probably doing that. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: I like that you're imagining some romantic Italian getaway.
Hannah: Yeah, they went to Italy for Christmas.
Kim: Italian Dentistry Symposium, if you know what I meaaan! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Yeah, that's just what they told her.
Kim: Yeah, right. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: They just… they’re like… [more laughter]
Kim: Hermione, don't come home. We fucking. [everyone still laughing]
Hannah: Yeah, all year long wasn't enough. We need the Christmas holidays as well. [laughter]
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah! You only live here for two months out of the year. Okay. Sure. [everyone still laughing]
Hannah: Ooh, you know what? Actually, I've continued developing this plot in my mind.
Kim: Oh, dear.
Hannah: So [laughs] at the Italian dentistry symposium…
Kim & Sequoia: Uh huh?
Hannah: …presumably all of the dentists are swingers.
Kim: Oh, no. Nope! Nope! We’re… we're stopping there. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: There’s pineapple…
Kim: Some Italian dentistry symposium, she had explained and they’d agreed to let her stay at school. [Hannah and Sequoia finally manage to stop laughing] As for the Weasleys, it was agreed that the children would stay at Hogwarts and their parents were planning to come visit the school on Christmas day.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: The Weasley parents… I trimmed this story down hugely.
Sequoia: Right. Right, right, right.
Kim: It was a long one. The Weasley parents are fighting in the war or whateverrrr.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Right, Voldemort stuff.
Hannah: Yeah.
Sequoia: Sure, whatever. Voldemort stuff.
Kim: The twins’ snow battle suggestion was met with enthusiasm by Harry, Ron and Ginny, who had particularly good aim. [Sequoia laughs] She's like, yeah, fuck yeah. I'm going to beat you all in the face!
Hannah: Take that, bitches!
Kim: Take that, brothers! Hermione, however, frowned.
Sequoia: Hermione just wants to read a book! [everyone laughs]
Kim: “We really shouldn't,” she told Harry and Ron. “I know neither one of you have even started that Potions essay yet.”
Sequoia: Hermione.
Kim: Hermione!
Sequoia: It's the…
Hannah: Hermione!
Sequoia: …holiday break.
Hannah: Hermione.
Sequoia: No homework.
Kim: You don't start your Christmas holiday vacation until at least after Christmas, preferably after the New Year. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Hermione is always thinking about homework.
Kim: Such a bummer.
Sequoia: She never thinks about anything else except homework and the library.
Hannah: Her main character trait is that she has a stick up her behind. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Jeez, Hermione! She is going to come play though, probably.
Hannah: Yeah, she is.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Hannah: She's gots to.
Kim: “Hermione, it's Christmas,” said Ron exasperatedly. “Don't you ever take a break?” “Ron, I'm a prefect. I have to set an example.” Hermione, it's only the six of you. Who are you setting an example for?
Sequoia: [laughs] You, the Weasleys, and Harry.
Kim: You setting an example for Fred and George? They don’t give a shit. “Oh, excuse me, Miss Perfect Prefect.” They were both on their feet now, their voices rising. “Forgive me for thinking you'd be willing to associate with us mere mortals any longer than you had to!”
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Hannah: Oh dear.
Sequoia: Ron!
Kim: That’s a little bit far, Ron.
Hannah: Yeah.
Sequoia: Ron. We… I think this is just… we’ve reached just sort of a…
Kim: Yeah. A boiling over point.
Sequoia: A boiling over point…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …is generally where we hit Ron and Hermione in… in fanfiction.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: When we get to their big fight, this is the boiling point.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They've been snipping at each other forever.
Hannah: Years.
Sequoia: For years. And this is… we’ve reached a boiling point.
Kim: And just every once in a while, it boils over.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: “You… you… argh!” Hermione turned and stormed up the stairs to the dormitories. Ron stared after her until a smothered laugh from behind made him turn. “What?” he demanded of the snickering twins. “Nothing,” Fred protested.
Sequoia: They gonna play a prank…
Kim: I don't know, are they? [everyone makes wordless sounds] [everyone laughs] “Right, so are we going to throw snowballs?” asked Harry, wanting to move past the awkward silence.
Sequoia: Oh, Harry.
Hannah: Oh, Harry.
Kim: He just… his friends are so difficult. “Yeah, okay, I'll go get our cloaks,” said Ron, heading to the boys’ dormitory. Halfway down again, however, he froze, listening. “It's really getting quite ridiculous.” “They're too blind to see it,” said Harry’s voice. “They need help,” said the wicked voice of one of the twins.
Hannah & Sequoia: Ohhhh!
Sequoia: Damn it! Damn it!
Hannah: Oh no.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: It's a plot to get Ron and Hermione together because they're too stupid to realize that they're in love. Damn it!
Hannah: That’s good.
Sequoia: That's a great charade.
Hannah: Charade!
Kim: But Ron knows about it now.
Sequoia: Yes, I like this. I like this twist.
Kim: Hermione chose that moment to appear on the landing behind Ron. “Ron, if you…" "Shhh.” He flung a hand toward her. “Listen, they're talking about us.”
Sequoia: Oh, they're both going to know?
Hannah: Ohhh!
Sequoia: Ooh.
Kim: Hmm. What’s the charade going to be then?
Sequoia: Ooh!
Kim: “So what should we do about ickle Ronniekins and his female problem?”
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: I'm surprised that’s not the title.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim & Sequoia: Ickle Ronniekins and His Female Problem!
Hannah: That would be a good title. That's the new… that’s the new name for my folk punk band. [everyone laughs] Actually.
Kim: Are you ickle Ronniekins?
Hannah: Yes.
Kim: Or are you the female problem?
Hannah: No. How gay I am is the female problem. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Love it. Love it. Love to see it.
Sequoia: This is a good queer folk punk rock band! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Wrock band, this is spelled with a W.
Sequoia: Oh, yes. Yeah, it's got to be a wrock band.
Hannah: Yeah, that's valid. Folk punk wizard rock band.
Kim: Yesss.
Sequoia: Folk Punk wizard rock.
Kim: I’m gonna do it
Hannah: It’s niche content. [everyone laughs]
Kim: “So what should we do about ickle Ronniekins and his female problem?” “Mistletoe might do the trick.”
Sequoia: YEEES! [chanting] It's a mistletoe plan. It's mistletoe plan. It's a mistletoe plan!
Kim: Do you see… I actually was hoping for you to three for three it, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Didn't quite make it.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But I'm still proud of you so far.
Sequoia: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I did…
Kim: You got mistletoe.
Sequoia: Yeah, I do love a mistletoe fanfiction.
Kim: I know you do. I know everything about you. [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: I'm still holding out that I might be able to get two of them.
Kim: Okay!
Hannah: or at least one. At least not the game of charades. [everyone laughs] At least that one!
Kim: Ron glanced at Hermione, who looked positively horrified. “Do you think it'll work?” asked Ginny. “Leave it to us,” one of her brothers assured her.
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: Ron turned to face Hermione. “Upstairs, quickly.” He ushered her into his room and shut the door. “I don't know what's gotten into them, Hermione.” Whatever anger he'd been feeling toward her had thoroughly disappeared now that they shared a common enemy.
Sequoia: It has been replaced by pure panic. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh my god! My feelings! They're so confused!
Hannah: Same. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: “I should dock them house points for this,” she muttered. “But that hardly seems fair to us. We have to do something, Ron. We can't just walk down there and pretend we don't know.”
Sequoia: OR!
Kim: “Maybe we can,” he said slowly.
Hannah: Oooh!
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: “What do you mean?” “Hear me out.” A passage of time.
Sequoia: Oh, good.
Hannah: Nice.
Sequoia: I love… I love it when we don't get to know exactly what anyone is up to.
Hannah: Yes.
Sequoia: And it just gets to unfold for us.
Kim: Of course!
Sequoia: Oh, beautiful.
Kim: “You amaze me sometimes, Ron Weasley,” Hermione said with grudging admiration.
Sequoia: Oh, he's got a little plan.
Kim: He does. He had a plan. He's got a plan. “I haven't been Fred and George's brother for fifteen years without learning something. Sometimes the only way to win is to play the game by their rules.”
Sequoia: Nice.
Hannah: Can I just make a… a brief directorial note? If Ron is fifteen, can I get like an occasional voice crack from you? [Kim and Sequoia laugh] Just like for added ambience.
Kim: I don’t think my voice does that, unfortunately.
Hannah: Ahhh.
Sequoia: [laughing] A directorial note! [everyone laughs]
Kim: [squeakily] Something!
Hannah: Nice. Got ‘em. [everyone laughs]
Kim: “So we give them what they want and then some, and they leave us alone.”
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: We actually are going to get the outline of this plan.
Hannah: Okay.
Sequoia: Okay. Good. Okay.
Kim: “You sure you're okay with this? I mean, we'll have to h… hold hands and, uh, do other stuff like that, you know.”
Sequoia: Uh! Uh!
Kim: “I wouldn't want you to do it if, uh, you didn't want to.” [Hannah laughs]
Sequoia: [jerkily] We want our tongues to touch.
Hannah: Wouldn't it be… wouldn't it be funny… Wouldn’t it be funny if…
Kim: If we kissed. [laughs]
Hannah: If we kissed right now [Sequoia laughs] Wouldn’t it… ahhh! I mean, I'm down if you're down, but ahhhh! [everyone laughs]
Kim: What… I'm going to say it now. What is better than this bullshit? [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Not much.
Sequoia: We’ll just pretend.
Hannah: Not much.
Sequoia: We’ll be k… we will be kissing but it's like a… like a preteeend.
Kim: Like a prank. It’s just…
Sequoia: A pretend kissing.
Kim: It doesn't count.
Sequoia: It's real kissing, but it's pretend.
Kim: Yeah.
Hannah: We're acTORS!
Sequoia: And scene.
Kim: I brought you mistletoe.
Sequoia: Mistletoe.
Kim & Sequoia: Fake dating.
Kim: Ronmione.
Sequoia: Argh!
Kim: For Christmas. That’s…
Hannah: Fake dating is a good trope.
Kim & Sequoia: It's so good.
Hannah: It's a really good trope.
Sequoia: You know what? Thank you.
Kim: You’re welcome.
Sequoia: This is a really nice Christmas present. I appreciate it.
Kim: She avoided his eyes, which was perhaps just as well. Ron had started to notice that his knees felt slightly weak any time Hermione looked into his eyes. [everyone laughs] Lol!
Sequoia: You should get that checked out, my dude. [everyone laughs]
Kim: “Well, I guess if you don't find me too repulsive for this, I can handle it too.”
Sequoia: Awww!
Hannah: Oh, Hermione.
Kim: You two are so dumb. What’s wrong with them?
Hannah: [laughs] Kiss her on her end of her nose! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Why are they so dumb? She laughed then, and he suddenly felt a lot better. She's joking.
Hannah: Yeah.
Kim: The dormitory door opened to reveal a puzzled Harry. “What's taking you… oh, hi, Hermione.” Ron went up to get his cloak.
Sequoia: Right. And… and now, he's just sitting in there…
Kim: They were gone for a long time.
Sequoia: …with Hermione. He’s been gone for a long time.
Kim: “Sorry, mate,” said Ron, “Hermione and I were just making up.” “That's right,” she said.
Hannah: You know.
Sequoia: Making uh, out. Uh, up.
Kim: Up. Out? Uh…
Sequoia: Out… buhhhh [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Harry wouldn't notice.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: No, he would not.
Hannah: Bless that sweet dumb boy.
Kim: Oh, Harry. “You know, I think I will come and throw snowballs with you.”
Sequoia: Oh, is there… hmm. Their plan. Everybody's plan has to revolve around this snowball fight. I'd almost forgotten about the snowball fight already because I was so jazzed.
Kim: You're allowed to forget about the snowball fight. A passage of time.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Never mind. [laughs] Never mind. Never mind anything I've said.
Kim: The following day started out like any other. Harry and Ron awoke well after sunrise, dressed, and headed downstairs. Fred and George, curiously enough, were already in the common room acting completely innocent and totally above suspicion. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: I love it when somebody in fanfiction is just like acting casual.
Kim: Just act… I want to know what they're doing to act casual…
Hannah: Presumably…
Kim: …because it's nothing.
Hannah: One is holding a book open, but it's upside down, and they're both whistling discordantly. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Are they both reading from the same upside down book?
Hannah: No. The other twin is leaning against the mantel.
Kim: Uh huh?
Hannah: But he started leaning a little bit too far away.
Kim: Uh huh, slips. [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: And is sort of now at an odd… no slipping, that's called fire. [everyone laughs] But is leaning too far away inside of like a very odd kind of vaguely ninety degree angle.
Sequoia: Right. It looks more like a… like a stretching exercise. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Exactly.
Sequoia: Than a leaning experience.
Kim: They're doing so well. Ginny came down the stairs a moment later, followed by the prefect in residence.
Hannah: Ginny!
Kim: Ginny is here.
Hannah: Ginny’s here!
Sequoia: I like that Ginny’s here.
Kim: Yeah, it's family. She walked right over… she being Hermione. …walked right over to Harry and Ron. Harry, apparently on some prearranged signal from the twins, took a few gigantic steps backwards. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Everyone is being so casual! [everyone laughs]
Kim: The prearranged signal, ahem, ahem, ahem, Harry starts bookin’ it backwards. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, the prearranged signal’s got to be good.
Kim: “Oi, Ron.” Ron turned, and sure enough, a large bunch of mistletoe was floating upward towards…
Sequoia: Of course it is!
Kim: …himself and Hermione.
Sequoia: Of course it is.
Hannah: Lol! Lol.
Sequoia: I wonder where that came from?!
Kim: This plan from Fred and George is nothing, by the way. If… if… if Ron and Hermione hadn't counter-planned, this wouldn't have gone anywhere… [Hannah laughs]
Sequoia: No.
Kim: …but a fight.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Goodness gracious.
Hannah: So silly.
Sequoia: The plan… the plan is incredibly simple.
Hannah: Yeah.
Sequoia: We're just going to float this piece of mistletoe. Harry's going to take two giant steps back when we go KAKAAA! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Yes.
Kim: It hovered conspicuously in the air a few feet above their heads, where they stared at it. Which is what they would just have stopped at.
Sequoia: Yeah, they would have… they would have stared at it and then Hermione would have been like…
Kim: What's the meaning of this?
Sequoia: …section 214 of the Student Handbook declares no mistletoe in the common rooms.
Hannah: Ten points from Gryffindor! Fuck my own house! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: “Guess you know what to do, mate,” George said slyly. “I reckon I do,” he said. He turned to Hermione, who gave him the smallest of wicked grins. With his left arm, he dipped her backward.
Hannah & Sequoia: Ohhh! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Ron's got some moves! This is an opportune moment for you to put a nice voice crack in.
[Kim makes a hiccuping sound] [everyone laughs]
Hannah: That was good. That was good, buddy.
Kim: Thank you. I'm doing my best. Her arms flew up around his neck. The other four people in the room gasped audibly. They didn't expect this to work, I guess. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: I wouldn't have either.
Sequoia: They didn't expect it to work with this much flourish!
Kim: I suppose.
Sequoia: Ron can only be this smooth with a predetermined plan, honestly.
Kim: Yes!
Hannah: I mean same, but…
Kim: What did I say? Ron's talent, self sabotage. [Hannah and Sequoia laugh] What they couldn't see, because of the angle at which she was dipping her, was that in between Ron and Hermione’s lips was Ron's right hand.
Sequoia: Oh, they're doing a stage kiss?
Hannah: Awww.
Kim: They're doing a stage kiss.
Sequoia: Booooo!
Kim: Sorry.
Hannah: Booooo!
Sequoia: Ooh.
Kim: Uh.
Hannah: Touch tongues! [everyone laughs]
Kim: That way, it doesn't count.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: While it looked as though the pair were locked in an embrace of smoldering passion, in reality, Hermione was struggling to suppress a fit of giggles, and Ron was developing a cramp in his hand. [everyone laughs] I think they're moving. They’re like… convincingly.
Sequoia: But also in a dip,
Kim: Yeah!
Hannah: So, like, horizontal to the floor wiggles. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Horrible.
Hannah: Wiggles! [everyone still laughing]
Sequoia: Horizontal to the floor wiggles, you know what I mean? [laughing]
Hannah: That's what the kids are calling it these days.
Kim: I don’t think it is! [everyone laughing still] After a moment or so… [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] Continue, I’m sorry!
Hannah: [laughing] I'm sorry, I’ve got to go floor wiggle with my girlfriend.
Sequoia: [laughing] Okay, get out of here! Bye, Hannah!
Kim: Oh, Hannah took her headphones off, I guess! Got too sexually charged in here! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Whooo! Okay.
Kim: This is family fun Christmas time stuff. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: I think that your podcast is already rated E for explicit. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: It is. Got to earn it sometimes, you know.
Hannah: Yeah.
Kim: Sure. After a moment or so, Ron righted Hermione. “Oh, Ron,” said Hermione breathlessly, “I never knew!” [everyone laughs] “Now you do,” he said.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Hannah: An Academy Award to Hermione for…
Kim: They're doing so well.
Hannah: Amazing.
Kim: They wrote to Blaise. [Sequoia laughs] You need to help to us script a scene.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Hannah: Within the five to ten minutes that they were in the dorm room.
Kim & Sequoia: Yeah.
Hannah: Blaise was like, I prepared my whole life for this. I'm ready. [everyone laughs]
Kim: “Now you do,” he said.
Hannah: Oh my god!
Kim: Slipping an arm around her shoulders, he glanced up at the others. “Uh,” said Fred. [Hannah and Sequoia shriek with laughter]
Sequoia: They really got them, honestly. Like, great job though. [everyone laughs]
Kim: “Wow,” was all Ginny could say. “About time,” said Harry. Harry.
Hannah: Widdle Harrykins.
Kim: Please stop fighting.
Hannah & Sequoia: Awwww.
Kim: You make my life so hard. They do, though.
Hannah and Sequoia: They do.
Hannah: But also, Hermione makes up for it by ensuring that she's the only reason that neither of them die.
Sequoia: Exactly. She ensures their survival as human beings. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Why are you still alive?!
Kim: “Shall we go to breakfast?” asked Hermione, giving Ron what could pass for a genuine starry-eyed gaze. “Right clever little actress she is,” he thought.
Sequoia: Yeah, she's doing a great job.
Kim: She's totally acting.
Sequoia: Yeah, this could pass for if…
Kim: If you…
Sequoia: If you… [laughs]
Kim: Totally not, though.
Sequoia: I wouldn’t be, though, looking at him like that.
Kim: Totally.
Sequoia: Totally.
Kim: For sure, no reason why, except that she's acting.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: She’s a really good actress.
Sequoia: She's just a great actress. She's really a good actress.
Hannah: Gonna lick his face.
Kim: Okay.
Hannah: In the name of…. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: The next few days progressed almost normally, except for the fact that Ron and Hermione now insisted on sitting side by side in the common room, their fingers entwined lovingly.
Sequoia: Oh, good. Now, they're just trying to gross everybody out.
Kim: The gag factor was steadily rising. [Hannah laughs]
Sequoia: They're holding hands and people just…
Hannah: Not into it.
Sequoia: …can't handle it.
Kim: Ron and Hermione can't get along!
Sequoia: But that's what they wanted.
Kim: Yeah.
Hannah: I mean, that's how being gross in front of your friends goes though.
Kim: When you're fifteen.
Sequoia: When you're fifteen.
Hannah: When you're any age! When Kat and I hold hands next to Sequoia, she's like, bleaaghhhh!
Kim: Well, that’s…
Sequoia: Okay!
Kim: This is a Sequoia problem!
Sequoia: This is… yeah. [everyone laughs] I wouldn’t…
Kim: Sequoia is not…
Sequoia: …sort of map my existence…
Kim: Exactly.
Sequoia: …on the general…
Kim: Sequoia… and… and myself.
Hannah: Yeah, I was gonna say
Kim: I will put this on myself as well.
Hannah: [laughing] Also Kim.
Kim: We have not matured past about fourteen. [everyone laughs] Everybody knows that!
Sequoia: Everybody knows that. No, but yeah, when you're fifteen years old, holding hands…
Kim: Grooooss!
Hannah: Gross!
Sequoia: Oh my gosh, do you guys have to do that all the time?
Hannah: Is that allowed? [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] Is that allowed? Ten points from Gryffindor. [Hannah laughs]
Kim: The gag factor was steadily rising, and soon the others, at first so pleased with themselves by the overwhelming success of their trick, became quite disturbed by the whole thing.
Hannah: Gross!
Sequoia: They're doing a great job.
Kim: They are.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Fred and George excused themselves to the library, for perhaps the first time in their lives.
Hannah: Hilarious.
Sequoia: [laughs] You could have gone anywhere else, but that's cool. [laughs]
Kim: It's an excuse.
Hannah: I feel it's the Fred and George equivalent of I'm sorry, I have to go and… w… wash my cat's elbow or whatever. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Just like so unbelievable.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You're going to go to the what? [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: The library?
Kim: That doesn't sound right. Eventually, Harry actually broke down and started to work on his potions essay up in the dormitory…
Hannah & Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: …away from his friends…
Hannah & Sequoia: Wow!
Kim: …working on his essay by himself.
Hannah: Oh.
Sequoia: Listen, Hermione is clocking this as a… as a tool… as a tool of incentive for the future.
Hannah: Yeah!
Kim: Right?
Hannah: She’s filed this away.
Kim: Won't work on Ron, but could get Harry to do his homework, maybe.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Probably for the detriment of his grades, but, you know. [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: But… [laughs] but, you know, I feel Hermione is smart enough that she's going to figure out how to replicate that data. And oh, my God, next fic. [Kim & Sequoia laugh] So the next fic is Hermione Figures Out How to Replicate the Data. That's the title of the fic.
Kim: Sure.
Hannah: Tagged romance and humor. And it's just Hermione getting Ginny and Harry together so that she can do the same thing to Ron.
Kim: To Ron! Ohhh!
Sequoia: [gasps] Oh, that’s good.
Hannah: Got ‘em! Got ‘em! Woowoowoo!
Kim: I think that backfires and then no one but Hermione is doing homework. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Full circle.
Kim: Oops. A passage of time. On Christmas Eve, the six were all in the common room. The lovebirds were cuddled on the sofa in front of the fire, whispering back and forth and occasionally giggling.
Sequoia: How many… how many days?
Kim: Some.
Sequoia: Some days. Okay.
Hannah: Some days, an amount of days.
Sequoia: An amount of days that they've been doing this.
Kim: At least one. I feel like…
Hannah: it's been a couple hours. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Maybe.
Hannah: We're going Disney style on this.
Sequoia: [laughing] yeah
Kim: I think going from zero to… I mean, I can't say they're at a hundred. They're just like sitting next to each other and talking. [everyone laughs] Zero to, I don't know, twenty, like this is really surprising everyone.
Sequoia: Probably.
Hannah: Yeah.
Kim: Mood has shifted so much.
Sequoia: I feel if you're going to make the plan, you have to have like a predetermined out, though. So I'm interested to see how we do this.
Kim: Yeah! I don't know that they… hm. Don't know they planned that for. An hour or so before dinner, Ron stood up, stretched and held out a hand to Hermione, “Want to go for a walk, love?” he asked. [Hannah gags]
Sequoia: And everyone vomited. [laughs]
[Hannah gags again]
Kim: I don’t know that that’s that gross!
Hannah: It's a little gross.
Kim: All right
Sequoia: He called her love in front of all of us! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Interesting. All right. Fourteen. [everyone laughs] I forgot. “That sounds nice,” she said. Playfully, she whipped out her wand and said, “Accio cloak. Accio Ron’s cloak.” Both garments came sailing down the stairs a moment later and into the hands of their respective owners. Ron beamed at her. “Isn't she brilliant?”
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Hannah: [retching] No, wait.
Kim: That is amping it up. That was a little gross.
Hannah: That… that was a little more vomworthy.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That one is a little over the top. She just summoned your clothes, it's fine.
Sequoia: Everybody calm down. [everyone laughs]
Kim: The less than enthusiastic mumbles that answered him did nothing to dim his ardor. He opened the portrait hole and gestured for her to precede him from the room.
Sequoia: Just like a very like… a… bow. Bow with a lot of flourishes…
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: …of the hands. An excessive amount.
Kim: I don’t know, they're just big… being extra is gross. It's weird. I don’t know it’s gross.
Sequoia: It makes you want to avoid them and whatever they're doing. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Ron… Ron definitely… I feel like… It's canonical in my mind that Ron has kind of simp energy.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I mean, yeah. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: He’s like… he’s… look at him go.
Kim: Ron is a future wife guy.
Sequoia: A future…
Kim: He's a house husband.
Sequoia: He's a house husband?
Kim: He's a wife guy. He's like, my wife is so great. I love her so much.
Sequoia: Oh! [laughs]
Hannah: I never heard that before, that’s really cute.
Sequoia: I haven’t heard that either. I like that. He is that. [laughs]
Hannah: You know that because your husband's a wife guy.
Kim: I'm a wife guy. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: You are a wife guy.
Hannah: [laughing] You’re a wife guy
Kim: As soon as they were out of sight, Fred let out a low moan. “I can't take it any more. They're making me sick!” “At least you don't share a room with him,” countered Harry. “All I hear about is Hermione this and Hermione that. Isn't she beautiful, Harry? Aren't I the luckiest man alive, Harry?” [everyone laughs] That’s a little weird, actually. “She's the same,” added Ginny. “Whenever we're alone, it's Ron's so sweet, and I never knew Ron could be so romantic. I'm happy for her, but he's my brother. I really don't want details.” [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Okay, Ginny’s holding… holding the most validity in this conversation…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Hannah: …currently, for sure.
Kim: Right, but what’s Hermione telling her? Today Ron and I held hands for three hours.
Sequoia: And she's like, ugh.
Kim & Sequoia: Gross!
Hannah: Probably no, that she's like, we kissed.
Kim: On the lips!
Hannah: And Ginny’s like, big vom!
Kim: Hermione is like, we totally kissed on the lips with our mouths for ten minutes.
Hannah: Biggest of the voms. [everyone laughs]
Kim: And Ginny’s like, that sounds right. That's how kissing is.
Hannah: Yeah, she's what, like, twelve here?
Kim: She's fourteenish.
Sequoia: Thirteen. Fourteen.
Hannah: They're fifteen.
Sequoia: If they're fifteen. Yeah.
Kim: She's the year below them. So she's fourteen.
Hannah: Okay. Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, man. Yeah, nobody knows what's going on.
Hannah: No one knows what's happening.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: On the lips.
Hannah: That's why when he fake stage kissed her.
Kim: Uh huh.
Hannah: Dip!
Kim: Uh huh.
Hannah: And then, some sort of like really… he really had to work those preteen muscles…
Sequoia: Quidditch muscles.
Hannah: …to do like a… like a shimmy…
Kim: Oh!
Hannah: …to look like they were kissing from the back.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Hannah: Like how when you… when you look like you're making out, you sort of wrap…
Sequoia: Oh, and you wrap your arms…
Kim: By yourself.
Hannah: And you like… [makes wordless sounds] [everyone laughs] It’s like that!
Kim: Yeah! That is definitely what it…
Sequoia: And everybody bought it because nobody knows what’s going on.
Kim: Nobody has kissed a person.
Hannah: They're like, yeah, that’s what kissing looks like. [everyone laughs] No questions.
Kim: “So what do we do?” asked George. “It's not like we slipped them a love potion and there's an antidote.” “I guess all we can do is hope that it subsides a little over time,” Harry concluded.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: “I mean, they can't be this disgusting for forever. Can they?”
Sequoia: Uh oh.
Kim: Fred and George looked at each other in dismay. “You don't know our parents very well, Harry.” [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: Oh no. Oh no, that’s true!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, the Weasleys love each other.
Sequoia: Yeah, the Weasley parents are super lovey.
Kim: Yeah.
Hannah: Aw, I love that.
Kim: Yeah!
Hannah: That makes me happy.
Sequoia: We're just like, aw, and the twins are like, no. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Gross!
Sequoia: Mom!
Hannah: I'm sixteen, and that’s gross. My parents love each other, I hate it. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Unbeknownst to the four in the common room, Ron and Hermione were standing right outside the door.
Sequoia: Buh buh buh!
Kim: They're just laughing at them. Hermione was fighting back laughter. When George mentioned his parents, Ron almost choked.
Hannah: [laughs] Lol!
Sequoia: Lol!
Kim: “Come on,” he hissed. They dashed down the hall, then burst out laughing until they nearly cried. Neither of them seemed to notice that they were holding hands the entire time.
Hannah & Sequoia: Ohhhhh!
Kim: Oh, no, the drama! What if the fake dating…
Sequoia and Kim: …becomes real?
Hannah: Who knew?
Kim: Who would ever guess? [everyone laughs] The two people that would agree to date each other for fakesies might have some feelings!? [everyone laughs] Ho-ho-hoooh!
Sequoia: They're like, oh, I was so used to holding your hand in front of everybody, I forgot that when we were holding hands not in front of everybody. We can stop if you want to stop. Do you want to stop holding hands? We can stop holding hands.
Hannah: My hand’s kind of comfy here. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, but when we stop holding… it’s… it's… it’s snowing, it's cold outside.
Hannah: My hands are cold.
Sequoia: My hands are cold. [everyone laughs]
Kim: They're so dumb! [everyone laughs] A passage of time. [everyone laughs] Christmas morning dawned cold and white. Ron awoke early and slipped downstairs carrying a small pile of gifts. To his surprise, Hermione was already there. She glanced up and smiled. “Happy Christmas, Ron.” “Happy Christmas, Hermione,” he said, smiling. “You want your present now, or should I give it to you more dramatically in front of an audience?”
Sequoia: Depends on what it is!
Hannah: Yeah.
Kim: She chuckled. “I was thinking about that. What I got you isn't exactly the most romantic of presents. Do you think that's going to matter?” They bought each other presents before.
Sequoia: Right.
Hannah: Right.
Kim: They started dating like yesterday.
Sequoia: Maybe six hours ago. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh, no, wait, sorry. We don't need to dump on the text. Ron's going to say…
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: “Well, we've only been madly in love for a week or so.”
Hannah: Okay.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: A week.
Hannah: Okay.
Sequoia: A week? That’s a pretty substantial…
Hannah: That’s… that’s okay
Sequoia: …amount of time to…
Kim: Yeah!
Hannah: To carry on this…
Sequoia: …have this ruse.
Hannah & Sequoia: …charade!
Sequoia: You mean?!
Hannah: There’s…
Kim: They… they did not plan an exit strategy.
Hannah: So far no charades. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: There is a charade.
Hannah: But there's no game of charades!
Sequoia: But there’s no… [everyone laughs]
Kim: It’s true!
Sequoia: Yeah, they haven't planned an exit. If you didn't plan an out, like, okay, and then a week from now, we're going to stage a big fight.
Kim: Yeah.
Hannah: [whispering] It's because they didn’t want it to happen.
Kim: Yeah, they don't want it to end.
Hannah: Oops.
Kim: Oopsies!
Sequoia: Oh, no, we didn't plan it out. I guess we just have to date forever now. Oops, we're married! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Okay, side note. I feel this is the cousin of the energy that I get from you know, that… that trope where women who love women are like, oh, I've been friends with this girl forever [Kim laughs] and we live together and she gave me a ring…
Kim: And we kiss!
Hannah: …and we kiss every day before we go to work, but I don't know if it's just friendly or not! [Sequoia laughing helplessly]
Kim: Yes, this is definitely related.
Hannah: These are cousin energies.
Kim: Yes. Tropes are related.
Hannah: For sure.
Sequoia: Oh my god. So good.
Kim: “I guess they won't expect we've been shopping much. But listen, what do you think of this idea?” He started whispering in her ear. She gasped and laughed when he finished. “Ron, you are something else.” “You are too,” he said.
Sequoia: Oh!
Hannah: Oh.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: His ears immediately began to ignite and she looked at him in that way that jellied his knees, but he plunged ahead anyway. “Listen, whatever happens with this [squeaking] prank…"
Sequoia: Ahhh yeah!
Hannah: Thanks buddy!
Kim: “…I just, uh, I just want you to know that, it's been great working together. That’s all.”
Sequoia: Coworkers. [laughs]
Hannah: Awww.
Kim: Co-conspirators.
Sequoia: Co-conspirators.
Kim: “Oh, Ron,” she breathed. “That's so sweet.”
Sequoia: Oh noooo!
Kim & Sequoia: What if it becomes real?! [Hannah laughs]
Kim: They looked at each other for a long moment, and Ron became aware that the distance between their noses was gradually shortening.
Sequoia: Their noses?
Kim: He was finding himself within very close proximity to Hermione’s lips.
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Hannah: They're going to touch noses.
Kim: They're leaning in.
Sequoia: They're leaning in and then they’re…
Kim: One of them’s tilting. Maybe they're not tilting actually, they’re not tilting.
Hannah: They’re just…
Sequoia: [laughing] No, they’re… [inaudible]
Hannah: Leaning in!
Kim: Gonna bonk noses! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: That’s how I kiss my dogs. I touch my nose to their nose.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Yeah,
Hannah: Sure!
Sequoia: So.
Hannah: Fun fact.
Sequoia: Same… same…
Kim: Samesies.
Sequoia: [laughing] Same… same…
Hannah: [laughing] Same… same hat.
Sequoia: [laughing] So…
Hannah: [laughing] Same hat.
Kim: Okay, so they're leaning and getting closer and closer to each other. “Ahem.” They sprang apart guiltily…
Sequoia: What?
Kim: …before remembering the charade.
Hannah: Oh.
Sequoia: Yeah, you're not… you can't… you d…
Kim: Harry was standing there, his own bundle of presents stacked in his hands. “Happy Christmas.” “Happy Christmas, Harry,” Hermione said a bit too brightly. Three more redheads appeared in the common room and the opening of gifts began. Ron pulled apart the wrappings on his packages with great energy, trying not to laugh as he readied himself for the stunt that was coming.
Hannah: Oh!
Sequoia: Oh, right. They have made a little plan. They’ve made a little plan.
Hannah: Mini baby plan.
Sequoia: Yeah. Plan within a plan. Planception.
Hannah: Planception, yeah.
Kim: Yup. Ron glanced at Hermione, who smiled. “It's time for me to give one of my gifts,” he said, forcing himself to be bold. Think Lockhart, he told himself grimly. [Hannah laughs] It's the performance of a lifetime. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, yes! Blaise is watching through the window.
Hannah: Yeah.
Kim: Blaise is like yessss!
Hannah: They're just like hanging out like, cheat out a little more, Weasley. [everyone laughs] Just sort of levitating outside the window…
Kim: laughs Yeah!
Hannah: …like a weird little lurker.
Kim: They have their… their theatrical performance alarm…
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: …was going off and so they…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …came back.
Hannah: My theater senses are tingling. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Okay, Ron, you can do it.
Kim: Ron got up and strode over to kneel beside Hermione. “We haven't been together very long, Hermione.”
Sequoia: What the fuck? [laughs]
Hannah: Oh my god!
Kim: He said theatrically.
Sequoia: [laughing] I did… I did…
Kim: Do you see where this is… you… you know.
Sequoia: I did. [laughs helplessly]
Kim: You okay?
Hannah: Oh no.
Sequoia: Remember when I said, oh no, we're married? [everyone laughs]
Kim: Yes, you did say that.
Sequoia: Fuck, man. I'm too good! [laughs]
Hannah: Does that count as a prediction?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: No, unfortunately…
Hannah: Do you get a point for that?
Sequoia: …it does not. But…
Kim: Knowing where the story's going when we're in it doesn’t count because we know every story.
Hannah: That’s valid, I guess.
Sequoia: Ooh. I didn't really expect it to go this way, though! [laughs]
Kim: It's like when I say something dumb.
Sequoia: Yeah, that was a joke!
Hannah: That's funny.
Kim: “We haven't been together very long, Hermione,” he said theatrically, taking her hand. “But damnit, I love you. I've always loved you, and I just can't wait any longer.”
Hannah: Hold, please. Directorial note. [Sequoia laughs] I need you to go back and I need you to put a voice crack in the damnit. [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: [squeaking] Dammit!
Hannah: Thank you, please continue.
[Kim squeaks several times]
Sequoia: No, that’s good [everyone laughs]
Kim: [squeaks once more] “I've always loved you and I just can't wait any longer.”
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: “Will you marry me?”
Hannah: [whispering] Oh my god.
Sequoia: Yikes.
Hannah: Oh my god.
Sequoia: Someone has got to stand up and be like, okay. All right. [everyone laughs]
Kim: There was a collective gasp of shock, including a very convincing one from Hermione herself. [gasps] “Oh, Ron!” she cried, throwing her arms around him. “Yes, I will!” [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: Ickle Ronniekins! [everyone laughs]
Kim: “Okay, that does it!”
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: Ron and Hermione turned, feigning surprise. “You CANNOT get married,” said George. [everyone laughs] “You're too young.” “Of course, we are,” said Hermione soothingly. “I can live with a long engagement. Can't you, darling?”
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: Insufferable. This… this…
Sequoia: I'm fifteen years old, I'm not a kid any more!
Hannah: I'm basically a grown up now!
Kim: December of fifth year, Hermione’s sixteen.
Sequoia: [laughs] She's basically an adult!
Kim: That's totally…
Hannah: Is this a… is this… is this a Disney channel movie now?
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah!
Kim: I mean, it already kind of really has huge movie special Christmas energy.
Hannah: It does.
Sequoia: Yeah, it does.
Kim: Right?
Hannah: It does.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It does.
Kim: “I don't know,” he told her. “You're certainly worth waiting for, love, but I just don't know if I can be that patient.”
Sequoia: Oh!
Hannah: [laughs] Gross. ‘Kay.
Kim: You like how theatrical I'm doing Ron?
Sequoia: Yeah, I do.
Kim: I think that’s justified.
Hannah: It's good. Yeah.
Sequoia: I do.
Hannah: I think you're doing a good job.
Sequoia: I think you really want to get across how overly theatriCAL they're both being and how dumb everybody else must be [everyone laughs] to not realize this is a joke.
Kim: “What on earth do you plan on telling mum and dad? And your parents, Hermione?” asked Fred. “The truth, of course!” Ron looked incredulous.
Sequoia: We’re in… we’ll just tell them we're in love.
Kim: We're adults-ish.
Sequoia: Yeah, and then they'll be like, you can't get married, and he’ll be like but I’m an adul… I’m an adult, okay?
Kim: I am grown up!
Sequoia: I’m a grown up! [everyone laughs]
Kim: “As for my parents," Hermione added, “they're very sensible sorts. I know they'll understand.”
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh no.
Kim: Fred and George exchanged exasperated looks. Ginny looked like she wanted to be happy for them, but was too shocked. [Hannah and Sequoia laugh] Harry was just shaking his head, apparently unable to find the words. He's like, what the fuck is this?
Sequoia: You guys.
Kim: What fresh hell for me? [everyone laughs] Why can't you all just be normal sauce? [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Poor Harry.
Kim: Ron got to his feet, and in one swift, graceful motion, swept Hermione off her feet.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: “Guess I have to practice carrying my bride over the threshold.”
Hannah: Ohhh vom!
Sequoia: Ohhhh!
Kim: That’s horrible.
Hannah: Bleagh!
Kim: We have at this point escalated into horrible for everyone, I think.
Hannah: Oh, that’s so…
Sequoia: Both Hannah and I are clutching our faces.
Hannah: That's so vomworthy.
Sequoia: That’s disgusting, and I hate it.
Hannah: Vomworthy is the word of the day.
Kim: Sure.
Hannah: I think. [everyone laughs]
Kim: He said lightly, and carried her up the stairs. At the first landing they stopped, listening carefully. “Have they gone mad?” one of the twins asked.
Hannah & Sequoia: Teeheehee! Teeheeheehee!
Kim: “How can they be talking about marriage?” said the other. They are definitely giggling. [everyone laughs] “How can they be talking about marriage?” said the other. “Who's talking about marriage?”
Sequoia: Oh! The…
Kim: To Ron's horror…
Sequoia: Oh, right.
Kim: …he heard his father's voice.
Hannah: Oh no.
Sequoia: Oh, right, They're coming to visit. Did they forget? Those dummies!
[Kim laughing]
Hannah: I forgot!
Sequoia: I forgot too.
Kim: Too deep in the charade! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: But no charade.
Kim: Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had arrived to spend Christmas in Gryffindor Tower.
Sequoia: Fuck.
Hannah: Weird.
Sequoia: Oh, fuck.
Kim: Not weird. They're spending Christmas together as a family.
Hannah: Is that a thing that you're allowed to do?
Kim: It is if you're friends with Dumbledore.
Hannah: Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah, I… [laughs] it is if you've got like the in. The in.
Hannah: Got it, got it, got it.
Sequoia: Yeah, you're on the list.
Kim: Also, it's just the Weasleys and Hermione and Harry in Gryffindor Tower.
Hannah: That's true.
Kim: Not so weird.
Hannah: It is Christmas time, so everybody else went home.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: “Oh no,” Hermione breathed. They looked at each other, terrified.
Sequoia: Dummies.
Kim: “Ronald Weasley, come down here!”
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: They're in such big trouble.
Sequoia: Oh, fuck. [laughs]
Kim: Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were staring at him as he entered the common room. Near the portrait hole stood Headmaster Dumbledore. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, he's HERE for this.
Hannah: Welcome, Weasleys, to Higgedy Hoggedy Hogwarts! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Dumbledore knew this was going on.
Hannah: He did!
Kim: And has come to see the fall out.
Hannah: He brought some popcorn.
Kim & Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: “What is this your brothers tell me?” Mrs. Weasley demanded. “What can you be thinking, proposing to Hermione?” She glanced at the girl. “No offence, dear,” she added more gently. “Not that I wouldn't love to have you in the family, but you're both so young.”
Sequoia: But this is absurd! [everyone laughs]
Kim: This is ridiculous. You cannot do this thing.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: We're just exchanging promise to promise rings. [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: Promise to promise. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Hermione and Ron exchanged guilty looks. “Guess we'd better come clean,” Ron said.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Short passage of time. Ron admitted everything. Mrs. Weasley looked relieved. Mr. Weasley and Dumbledore both kept twitching the corners of their mouth [Sequoia & Hannah laugh] as though trying very hard not to laugh.
Sequoia: Dumbledore loves this shit!
Kim: Oh, yes.
Hannah: Yeah.
Kim: He lives for this.
Hannah: Dumbledore is living… living high key for it.
Kim: Oh yes. What's better than this? This is why he stays headmaster even though he's really busy.
Hannah: Yeah.
Kim: For this kind of bullshit.
Sequoia: Even though he can barely…
Hannah: He's like, I could have twelve other jobs. I could if I wanted to.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I don’t.
Hannah: But this is what I live for.
Sequoia: I could be the Minister of Magic, but…
Kim: Wouldn’t get this.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: This concentrated bullshit.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Fred and George looked outraged. “You mean to say,” George, sputtered finally, that Ron… RON outpranked US?”
Hannah: It was kind of a lame prank there, buddy.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Hannah: Yeah.
Kim: Fred and George's?
Hannah & Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Well, we're going to float some mistletoe.
Sequoia: Harry's going to take two steps back. KAKAA! [everyone laughs]
Kim: Barely a prank. “And Hermione. It wouldn't have worked if she hadn't gone along with it,” Ron pointed out. It was a team effort.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They're both so good at actING!
Sequoia: ActING!
Hannah: AcTORS!
Sequoia: No actual feelings here. Just acTING!
Hannah: acTING!
Kim: The twins glared at them both, but then subsided into sheepish grins. “Blimey, mate," said Fred. “That was brilliant.” “So all of this was an act?”
Sequoia: Is that…
Kim: “ALL of it?”
Sequoia: Is that Harry?
Kim: Asked Harry skeptically.
Sequoia: That’s harry! Yeah! Harry's like…
Kim: Harry’s like…
Sequoia: …all right.
Kim: This… no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I know what's going on here. [Hannah and Sequoia laugh] I'm Harry Potter, and I'm VERY observant! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, I think it’d be… it actually would make more sense if it was Ginny.
Kim: Harry's on top of it today.
Sequoia: But, yeah, that's fine.
Kim: I guess.
Sequoia: That’s fine.
Kim: Sure. Ginny didn't have much of a character at this point in canon.
Hannah: That's true.
Sequoia: Right.
Hannah: That’s true.
Kim: This is post book four, so…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Harry's smart today. Ron hesitated. Trust Harry to interrupt a perfectly good prank by demanding complete honesty! [everyone laughs] Rude!
Hannah: Damn, that was cold. [everyone laughs]
Kim: “No, not all of it,” replied Hermione seriously. "The Christmas gifts, well, apart from the proposal, were real.”
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Hannah: Oh, come on, Hermione.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: Clever redirection of attention!
Sequoia: Nice.
Hannah: Yeah.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: “Well, now that everything has been settled,” said Dumbledore, “May I suggest we all go downstairs? There's a wonderful Christmas feast awaiting us.” His eyes twinkled. “Miss Granger, Mr. Weasley, my congratulations on the need for no congratulations.” [Hannah & Sequoia laugh]
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Clever.
Sequoia: He wants to go down to the feast and he doesn't want to miss any second of this. You are all coming with me.
Hannah: He's a hungry Dumbledore. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Would like to see the rest of the show! The elder Weasleys trickled out of the tower, followed by Ginny and the twins. “I'll be along in a minute,” said Hermione, “I need to run upstairs. I forgot your present, Ron.” Harry and Ron looked at each other. So she leaves to go get it. Harry and Ron looked at each other. "Harry, uh…" “It's okay, Ron. I understand.” Harry grinned. “But I still say it wasn't all an act.”
Sequoia: Nice, Harry.
Hannah: Nawww.
Kim: He forgives him for pranking him.
Sequoia: Yeah. And also is…
Kim: Knows what's going on.
Sequoia: He knows what’s up.
Hannah: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Hannah: I know my best friends.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Ron shrugged, doing his best to look nonchalant. “Why don't you go on ahead?” he told Harry. “I’ll wait for my Christmas present, and we'll be down in a minute.” Harry didn't say anything, just gave Ron a very shrewd look and headed out.
Sequoia: Maybe some finger guns too, though. [laughs]
Kim: He closes the portrait hole and then peeks back in and…
Kim & Sequoia: …pew pew pewwww!
Sequoia: You got it, buddy.
Hannah: [laughs] Get it!
Kim: Hermione came down the stairs again, carrying a wrapped parcel. “I hope you like it,” she said breathlessly. They are not keeping it together. [everyone laughs] These dummies. Oh my goodness. He pulled off the paper and felt his face split into a wide smile. It was a gray shirt with scarlet and gold accents. On the front was the word Quidditch in large letters and below that a pair of broomsticks were crossed behind a scarlet shield reading, Gryffindor House Team. Across the back, also in scarlet, were the words Weasley and Keeper. “Where did you get this? It's wicked!” Not exactly romantic, but…
Hannah: Something that will make him happy.
Sequoia: No, but it’s… yeah.
Kim: Very heartfelt.
Hannah: Yeah.
Sequoia: Aww! [everyone laughs]
Kim: This is how you know it's a Christmas story. The gifts are important.
Sequoia: The gifts are important.
Hannah: The gifts are important.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I have very strong feelings about what makes a Christmas story.
Sequoia: What makes a Christmas story. Yeah, the gifts need to be sort of pivotal to the plot.
Kim: “I had it custom made at a shop near my house,” she explained. “I told the shopkeeper it was a new music group.” [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Ah, smooth, Hermione.
Sequoia: That’s good.
Kim: “I don't know if he believed me, but he stopped asking questions. You really like it?”
Sequoia: Aw, that's so cute.
Kim: [laughs] She had it made over the summer.
Hannah: Little beans!
Sequoia: Yeah she did.
Kim: Thinking about his Christmas present…
Hannah: All year!
Sequoia: All summer!
Kim: …that far in advance. Hermione, what are you talking about it's not exactly romantic?
Hannah & Sequoia: Awww.
Kim: It's so obvious, buddy. "Like I said, It's wicked.” He looked at her and felt the jelly sensation yet again.
Hannah: You should… you should…
Kim: Definitely maybe get that checked out.
Hannah: …go to a knee doctor. [everyone laughs]
Kim: I don’t think your knees are supposed to feel like that. Maybe it's repeated like jelly legs jinx exposure.
Hannah: Oh, that could be.
Kim: Actually just…
Hannah: Yeah, go to a wizard doctor.
Sequoia: Yeah. Need a wizard doctor.
Kim: “Thanks.” “You're welcome. I… oh, no,” he said. He had been glancing around, trying to get his knees back to normal and realized that the mistletoe…
Sequoia: No!
Kim: …had been…
Hannah: Yes!
Sequoia: Noooo!
Kim: Stay with me.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Stay with me!
Hannah: Yes! [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: The mistletoe had been granted a permanent spot dangling from the ceiling just above them.
Hannah: Yes! Good! [Sequoia laughs] Yes!
Kim: Hermione glanced up. “Oh, um. No one's here. You don't have to.”
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh no, I'm going to cry. [everyone laughs, Hannah in a slow cackle]
Kim: “Yeah, that's true.”
Hannah: Did you like that noise?
Sequoia: [laughing] What was that?! Shit!
[Hannah does the slow cackle again] [Kim and Sequoia laughing]
Kim: Oh my god! Upsetting
Hannah: Tiny whispering velociraptor of joy. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Whoo! Okay.
Kim: Would it help if I looked at you?
Hannah: No. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Fine. “You don't have to.” “Yeah, that's true.” He looked down at her again. Then, before he lost his nerve completely, he bent and kissed her.
Sequoia & Hannah: YAYYY!
Hannah: Wait, how short is she? What is he… he's bending at the waist?
Kim: Ron’s… Ron’s tall. Ron’s tall.
Hannah: I have questions.
Kim: This is fine.
Sequoia: [laughs] Like a ninety degree angle.
Kim: He's dipping her again. He's not, but whatever. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Kim: It was a short kiss, as first kisses tend to be. I don't know that that's true, but whatever.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: Maybe YOUR first kiss, author. slaughs
Hannah: No, wait, I want data now. Send me… [everyone laughs] send me the… the second length of your first kiss.
Kim: Good lord. [everyone laughs] But in that short kiss, the blaze crawled out of the common room fireplace and swept over Ron until he was completely…
Hannah: Blaise? What?
Sequoia: [laughing] Blaise?! Yeah! What are you do… [laughs]
Hannah: [laughing] Is that what… [laughs]
Sequoia: [shrieking] That’s where they were! They were hiding in this fireplace? [everyone laughs]
Kim: [laughing] They crept out of the fireplace and engulfed them in an hug! I'm so proud of you both. You're such great acTORS! [everyone still laughing hysterically]
Hannah: Such good acTORS! They're covered… they’re covered in soot and sort of scrambling… [everyone laughs] one directorial note, says Blaise.
Kim: You forgot and you kept going after your audience left! Oh, tragedy. [everyone still laughing] Also, you need to cheat out more. [more laughter]
[laughter]
Sequoia: Ron is always walking just a few inches past his mark. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: Just a little bit past. Hermione, work on your enunciation.
Sequoia: [enunciating clearly] Diction is done with the tip of the tongue and the teeth. Oh my god. Okay, great. Never mind. Would you just… can you take that whole sentence again? So that we actually… [laughs]
Kim: I don’t know, can I? Can you be cool?
Hannah: NO!
Sequoia: I was going to say that I could be cool, but I guess Hannah cannot.
Hannah: I cannot! I've never been cool a day in my life. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Oh my goodness.
Sequoia: Whooo! Okay, my… my… that hurt me. Physically.
Kim: I don't know, but I can read it with my mouth now. [everyone laughs]
[laughter]
Kim: But in that short kiss… [laughs] fuck. The blaze crawled out of the common room fireplace and swept over Ron until he was completely engulfed in its heat. [everyone laughs] Stupid. Then it was over and they parted.
Hannah: Blaise is the Grudge. [Sequoia laughs] Just sort of like hair falling in front of their face, crawling out… [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughing] Shimmy out of the fucking fireplace. Okay, sorry. They kissed and then it was done.
Hannah: [laughing] I’m sorry! I’m sorry. [everyone laughs]
Kim: We have like two sentences left, you dummies.
Sequoia: Okay. No, we can do it. Just power through. Just ignore us and continue reading. [laughs]
Hannah: I'm going to cover my mouth.
Sequoia: They parted. They were done. They kiss, they’re done.
Kim: “Why did you…” she began.
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my god
Kim: “Because I didn't have to,” he said.
Sequoia & Kim: Awww!
Kim: She smiled. “Happy Christmas Ron.” He reached for her hand, curling his fingers around hers. “Happy Christmas, love.”
Sequoia: Awwww!
Kim: The end!
Sequoia: Awww!
Hannah: Yay, that was nice.
Sequoia: That was very nice.
Kim: Yes, it was!
Hannah: laughing I liked that!
Sequoia: [laughs] Sorry about it.
Hannah: Can I get a… I'm going to give a… [clears throat] [distantly] hold on.
Kim: Oh god!
Hannah: Hold on.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Oh, we're getting an in studio…
Hannah: Okay. This is…
Sequoia: [laughing] A physical…
Hannah: This is a visual demonstration… [Sequoia laughs wildly]
Kim: Oh, my goodness!
Hannah: …of…
Sequoia: [laughing] This is… this is the most visual bit that possibly has ever happened on this podcast! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: [laughing] Of…
Kim: Oh no.
Hannah: This is a visual demonstration of Blaise exiting the fire as the Grudge. [distantly] Hold on, hold on. Hold on. [banging sounds] [very distantly] I’m gonna… I enter into under the table… [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Uh huh.
Hannah: [very distant] I… hold on, this is… [Sequoia laughs]
Kim: All right, Hannah has crawled under the table of where we're recording.
Sequoia: Oh, no, she's got a prop. She’s got a prop!
Kim: She’s taking a… a… a…
Kim & Sequoia: …blanket with her. [Sequoia laughs]
Hannah: [very distant] This is my hair.
Kim: Oh.
[Hannah screams in the distance] [everyone laughs] [Hannah screams again]
Kim: She said that the blanket is her hair and she's kind of… oh god.
Hannah: Engulf!
Kim: She's engulfing me. [laughs]
Hannah: [still distant] And scene!
Sequoia: Oh my god! My whole entire ribcage hurts so bad. [laughs]
Kim: You should… that's not how ribcages should do. Okay.
Sequoia: Too much laughing!
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Thank you for… thank you for that, Hannah.
Hannah: [back at the mic] You're welcome.
Sequoia: Thank you for that physical demonstration. I hope we narrated it well enough for the listeners here, but I don't think you could ever really experience what we experienced here in the studio today. Oh.
Hannah: [laughs] I gotta make sure that I go in as hard as I possibly can so that I never get invited back ever again. [everyone laughs] [evilly] This was my goal all along!
Sequoia: Oh, the voice is back. [everyone laughs]
Kim: Well, Merry Christmas, everyone. [Hannah laughs]
Sequoia: Merry Christmas, everybody.
Kim: I hope you all enjoyed this. Hannah, you got a point.
Hannah: [gasps] I did, no charade!
Kim: There was no charade.
Kim & Sequoia: There were no charades.
Hannah: There were no charades
Kim: There was a charade.
Hannah: A charade. There was no sexy Christmas outfit.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: No.
Hannah: And Ginny was only semi present.
Kim: She was just present, yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Sequoia, you did it. Two out of three.
Sequoia: I did it!
Hannah: Good job.
Sequoia: I was… when you told me that you needed me… you required that I do two out of three, I was very scared.
Kim: You got so nervous.
Sequoia: I was very scared, yeah.
Hannah: That's a lot of pressure, yeah.
Kim: But I knew she could do it.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Hannah: Valid.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Kim: You just had to dig deep.
Sequoia: I did. Oh, thank you. Thanks, everyone. [everyone laughs] Are you ready for…
Kim: A segment.
Sequoia: …a segment?
Kim: I'm always ready for this segment at Christmas time. It's time to enter…
Sequoia & Kim: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pewwww! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Nice.
Hannah: Pew pew!
Kim: Apparently this is a thing for me, now. I have several Christmas recommendations.
Sequoia: Oh my god. Here we go.
Kim: [singing] Christmas time, present for you.
Hannah: [singing] Present for me and a present for fools! And we do the thing where Kim comes and she brings the story, and then she recommends it to the people in her computer and then they take it and put it on to their eyeballs!
Sequoia: This is good.
Hannah: [singing] And then they dieeee!
Kim: Oh no! [everyone laughs] No! Nope! Nope, not that part. Not that part! [everyone stil laughing]
Sequoia: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m crying. Wait a second. [everyone laughs] Wait a second. Is that the first single of Ickle Ronniekins and the Female Problem?
Hannah: Apparently, yeah. [Sequoia laughs] That’s a… [laughs] hottest single, about to drop.
Sequoia: His debut… his debut single.
Hannah: 2k22! Arrghh! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: How many recommendations do you have today?
Kim: Just three.
Sequoia: Just three, which is less than the five you had last time.
Kim: Yep!
Sequoia: What are they called?
Kim: The first one I'm recommending today is called Christmas, 1980. It is a Jily Christmas story about their first Christmas as a family of three.
Hannah: Wait, wait, what's it called? I've maybe read that one before.
Kim: Christmas, 1980.
Hannah: Oh my god, I’ve got to go and look at my AO3 tagged shit. I… I… fuck me up with some good Jily Christmas.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: What’s better than that?
Hannah: It's so good!
Sequoia: That’s really good.
Hannah: I read… actually, you know, it probably wasn't, because you said it was about their first Christmas as a family together.
Kim: Mhm.
Hannah: The Jily one that I have in my brain, that’s currently bookmarked…
Kim: You're going to have to find it. If you speak it, you're going to have to find it. Give it to us.
Hannah: Okay, fine. I'll go and see if I can find it. It's probably my AO3 bookmarked bullshit, or whatever.
Kim: ‘Kay
Hannah: But Jily Christmas, but it's like staged as a Hallmark Christmas movie. [Kim & Sequoia gasp] It's really good.
Kim & Sequoia: Ohhh!
Hannah: I really enjoyed it a lot. And it's them getting together…
Kim: Yesss.
Hannah: …but in a Hallmark movie context. It's so good.
Kim: Give it to me! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: I'll go find it and I’ll text it to you guys. So four recommendations.
Kim: Hell, yeah.
Hannah: Four!
Kim: Can we get to five? We’ll see. Recommendation number two is called Christmas Surprises. It is a Ronmione Christmas story where Hermione breaks the news to Ron she has a very special gift for him, and it's that they're going to be parents.
Sequoia: Awww!
Hannah: Oh, I love that. It's so sweet.
Kim: I've got one more for you all. This one was a listener submission from an anonymous listener. It is called A Fine Romance, and this one is Neville/Blaise.
Sequoia: Oh, you know I like that shit.
Hannah: I love that!
Kim: So the link to all four… three or four of these will be…
Hannah: Three to four.
Kim: …in the description of this episode and also on our website.
Sequoia: Fanaticalfics.com.
Kim: Happy holidays, everyone.
Sequoia: Happy holidays.
Kim: Also on our website you can find our submission form.
Sequoia: Keep sending us in those Ronmione fluffy stuff.
Kim: Everything. [chuckles]
Sequoia: All the stuff we've been asking for.
Kim: I've been on my Ronmione fluff game. Nice…
Sequoia: You have been. You're really, really killing it in a way that I haven't been, and I feel… [laughs] also on our website is some merch. We've got some bookmarks on the website. We also have a link to our TeePublic where you can get even more stuff, some squid biologist stuff, lots of things.
Kim: Find us on social media to let us know how you doing. [Sequoia laughs] Sometimes we have stuff for that, and today I don’t. Find us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter @FanaticalFics.
Sequoia: You can also email us with your hold for the end pleases, your OCs, your longer thoughts, at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Kim: If you like this podcast and you want to help us out, there are a few things you can do. Number one, drop us a review on Apple Podcasts or anywhere that will accept a review.
Sequoia: [yelling] You only have a few more days left to trick everyone 2021!
All: Pew pew pew powwww pewwwww! [everyone laughs]
Hannah: I thought we were continuing.
Sequoia: So do that thing.
Kim: You can also support us on Patreon. We're doing all kinds of fun stuff over there, bonus episodes. [pause] Etcetera. [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Goddamn. As always, thank you to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their amazing song, Wolfstar, as our theme song.
Hannah: Happy Holidays, everyone.
Everyone: [shouting] Byeeeeee! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my god. [everyone laughs again]
Kim: So hot.
Hannah: I'm sexy! [clears throat] [singing] Deck the halls with…
Sequoia: Oh!
Hannah: …boughs of gayness, [Sequoia laughs] fa la la la la la la… no, wait. [singing] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. ‘Tis the season…
All: …to be gayyy, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.
Sequoia: I see where we’re going.
Hannah: Gayyy!
All: [singing] Don we now our GAY apparel. [everyone laughs]
Hannah: You are wearing a flannel today. You’re lookin’ extra gay.
Kim: Already donned it! [everyone laughs]
Sequoia: Damn!
Hannah: It's done been donned, bitches!