Episode 116: Those Crafty Slytherins
Recommendation: Rain On The Window
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1780595/1/Rain-On-The-Window
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Transcriber: Abbey
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Kim: I read a very powerful author's note the other day.
Sequoia: Tell me about it.
Kim: So… [laughs] okay, I said powerful, but it's actually maybe the opposite of powerful. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay. [both laugh] Do you want to just read it to us?
Kim: It affected me. It filled me with power?
Sequoia: Oh, it filled you with power. Okay.
Kim: The gist of it is, author's note, I'm a straight woman attempting to…
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: …write a lesbian story. [Sequoia laughs] So if you have any ideas, experiences, or dot dot dot, please send them to me.
Sequoia: Or dot dot dot!
Kim: Tips? [Sequoia laughs] And that’s just like… hmmmmm.
Sequoia: Whoo, boy. [laughs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: A Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: This is a Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Kim: That’s true.
Sequoia: We read a lot of Harry Potter fanfiction.
Kim: That's true.
Sequoia: We consume it, it becomes us, it fills us.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We also, like, write a lot of superfluous…
Kim: No, I would not say that I am… I definitely don't write a lot.
Sequoia: I mean, we don’t… we don’t… I'm not saying we write a lot of fanfiction, but we just come up with a lot of…
Kim: Oh, sure.
Sequoia: …stuff in the space, right?
Kim: Yeah, we play in the space.
Sequoia: We play in the space.
Kim: We're not writing any of it down.
Sequoia: Only sometimes.
Kim: Yeah, sure. Okay. Yes.
Sequoia: And we… we’re doing this for a really long time.
Kim: Yeah. A bit.
Sequoia: And I feel like it's broken me. I'm broken. [both laugh]
Kim: I don’t think just this podcast is responsible for how broken you are. [Sequoia laughs] I would… I would push back on that a little bit.
Sequoia: Okay. So… well, specifically…
Kim: Yeah. Okay. I know what you're about to talk about. And, yes, this podcast is probably majorly responsible for this aspect of your personality…
Sequoia: This specific…
Kim: …and character being broken. [laughs]
Sequoia: Exactly. Yes. I cannot write a character that isn't FF canon Blaise Zabini. I can't. I can no longer! Folks, you heard here.
Kim: We have, like, proof in the podcast, even, of you previously being able to write things…
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: …that weren’t Blaise.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: There was a time in your life…
Sequoia: There was.
Kim: …where you could write things.
Sequoia: That was the past. And now, here in the present, I literally can only write FF canon Blaise.
Kim: Any time you… you sit down to come up… conceptualize a new character… I have noticed this a little bit. We play D&D every once in a while.
Sequoia: There's just one! There’s just one character that I can be. So I got invited on this podcast called My Neighbors Are Dead…
Kim: Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: …and I had to write a character to improv with.
Kim: Uh huh. [laughs]
Sequoia: And I just fuckin’ wrote… and I didn’t… I was like, oh my gosh, this is the best idea, blah, blah, blah. And I wrote the whole like bio.
Kim: You weren’t trying to do it, is what you're saying.
Sequoia: I was not trying to do it. I wrote the bio. I read the bio, and I was like, fuck! [both laugh] Cassandra Serenity Leopold, the theater major?
Kim: Hey, buddy?
Sequoia: Sequoia, what is wrong with you?
Kim: That's a good name.
Sequoia: [laughs] Thank you. Thank you very much.
Kim: Well, you know, Blaise inhabits all of us…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …in their own way. So…
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] Anyway, I don't yet know when that's coming out. But I did… I did play Blaise… [laughs]
Kim: You went through with it.
Sequoia: …on an improv podcast.
Kim: Because you caught it before you went on and you were thinking of re-doing… not doing that thing.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: You went through with it.
Sequoia: I went through it.
Kim: I'm proud of you. I'm happy for you.
Sequoia: Because it was… it was the funniest idea that I had. So…
Kim: Yeah! Blaise is funny.
Sequoia: Yeah. That's just sort of what happened. There we are. Anyway, watch our social media because when that comes out, I will… I will…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …tweet about it from our account and put it wherever and wherever.
Kim: If we've infected you similarly…
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: …send us your Blaise fics.
Sequoia: Yeah, let us know what we've done to you, because I can't be the only one to have suffered this fate.
Kim: Sure! Hey, do you want to read some fanfiction?
Sequoia: Sure!
Kim: All right, let's do the thing.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: You're going to make three predictions. Our listeners are going to make three predictions. They're going to send them to us in whatever way they choose.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: But you're going to speak them.
Sequoia: But I'm going to speak them right now.
Kim: After I give you your clues.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Which are as follows.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: The title, Those Crafty Slytherins.
Sequoia: Hmmmm!
Kim: The genre, romance/humor.
Sequoia: Ahhh!
Kim: The time period, between Order of the Phoenix and Half Blood Prince.
Sequoia: Uh huh. Eh heh. I love a story about Slytherins…
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: …that lives in a humor space.
Kim: Yep!
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: This story was sent to me, and after I read it to you you're going to think… I think it's funny that it was sent to me. You're going to think it's funny that it was sent to me.
Sequoia: That it was sent to you and not to me?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah. That… that does…
Kim: You maybe would have recced it instead of reading it. [Sequoia laughs] I don’t know, we’ll see. It was right on that line for me.
Sequoia: Yeah. Prediction number one. This story is going to be about Slytherin attempting to win the House Cup.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Prediction number two, I am going to guess the pairing on this one.
Kim: Do it.
Sequoia: Drarry.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Yeah?
Kim: Your prediction is accepted.
Sequoia: [laughs] I like this new thing that you're doing where you're accepting my predictions. [Kim laughs] It's… it’s fun. [both laugh] Prediction number three, someone's going to infiltrate a common room that is not theirs.
Kim: Cool. Those are all predictions.
Sequoia: They are all predictions.
Kim: That you've made.
Sequoia: I have… listen.
Kim: This story was…
Sequoia: I haven’t got a point in a long time and I don't expect to now, okay?
Kim: [chuckles] Oh. Do you remember when we first got back in the studio, and we were all like, oh, that studio magic. We're doing so well. We were on our whatever.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Although I did get two points recently.
Sequoia: You did. You did.
Kim: So, I don't know, studio magic still working for ME. So I don't know what your problem is.
Sequoia: I don’t know. I’m… I’m… I'm unconnected from studio magic. [both laugh]
Kim: Okay, this story was sent to us by a listener. So thank you, Lorelei. I really appreciated this submission, and I hope everyone else does as well.
Sequoia: Thanks, Lorelei.
Kim: Let's get started. [high pitched voice, used for Hermione throughout] "Ronald Weasley, you utter prat. What on earth would possess you to seal the pages of my book shut?”
Sequoia: Because you've got to get out more, my dear. [laughs]
Kim: [bro voice, used for Ron throughout] “Maybe I wanted you to get your nose out of the damn thing, Hermione.”
Sequoia: There it is. There it is. [both laugh] He probably only knows that spell because she taught it to him anyway.
Kim: Yeah, probably. “Watch your language!” “Make me!”
Sequoia: This is good.
Kim: Is it?
Sequoia: This is good.
Kim: Over at the Slytherin table, sixth years Blaise Zabini…
Sequoia: Oh, they're just in the Great Hall.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs]
Kim: Yes, they're fighting loudly in the Great Hall.
Sequoia: Just fucking stop reading at breakfast. We're having breakfast. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. Honestly, engage with your friends. We are at breakfast. Yeah, I don't want to engage with my friends at breakfast though, honestly.
Sequoia: No?
Kim: Brunch, yes.
Both: Breakfast, no.
Kim: Do not talk to me.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, Blaise is here. Good.
Kim: Who… who’s Blaise? Who’s Blaise?
Sequoia: Blaise.
Kim: Over at the Slytherin table, sixth years Blaise Zabini and Daphne Greengrass exchanged eye rolls.
Sequoia: Interesting character choices. Okay.
Kim: These are two characters, I think, we just had names for at this point. So…
Sequoia: Yeah. Interesting. Okay.
Kim: Love to see it.
Sequoia: Yes. Who are they today?
Kim: Someone crafty. [both laugh] Another typical breakfast at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Sequoia: Every single morning, Ron glues Hermione's book shut. [Kim laughs] And then she…
Kim: You'd think she'd learn. “Some people have absolutely no tact,” Daphne said blearily. “Arguing before I've had coffee.”
Sequoia: She knows what's up about breakfast.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Coffee…
Sequoia: Coffee.
Kim: …is breakfast.
Sequoia: And no one's allowed to…
Kim: Talk.
Sequoia: …talk.
Kim: Shut the fuck up. [both laugh] “The only way they'd stop is if they started snogging instead,” Blaise replied darkly.
Sequoia: [gasps] No, you didn’t!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: No, you did not!
Kim: Lorelei did it.
Sequoia: Oh my god! Is this…? Is this…?
Kim: This is what?
Sequoia: Is this Ronmione?
Kim: Is this a Slytherin focused Ronmione?
Sequoia: A Slytherin… ohhhh!
Kim: I don't know, is it?
Sequoia: Ohhhh!
Kim: I don’t know! Who’s to say? [laughs]
Sequoia: Yes-uh! [both laugh] If literally… if anything… if any story was going to, you know, really connect me with the studio magic…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …it's got be this. [laughs] Slytherin centered Ronmione. What the fuck? I'm into it. Also, Daphne! [laughs]
Kim: Daphne is here. She and Blaise are friends.
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: Daphne spewed coffee across the table. Because that was such a ridiculous idea or whatever.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Spit take!
Sequoia: Spit take. What? Snogging?
Kim: Hitting a pair of unfortunate third years.
Sequoia: Oh, well.
Kim: Spit coffee all over some children.
Sequoia: Shouldn’t have sat there.
Kim: You're in the splash zone.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [laughs] Blaise and Daphne, they're always so theatrical.
Sequoia: Exactly, lots of spit takes. They just do them for fun at this point.
Kim: Honestly? [both laugh] “Salazar save us, Blaise. Thanks for that mental image.”
Sequoia: Well, it's going to be a real image.
Kim: I don’t… what? Why would it be a real? They're fighting! They’re clearly not…
Sequoia: Pretty soon be… eyyyy!
Kim: They're fighting, Sequoia. What are you talking about? [Sequoia laughs] Blaise, in a very uncharacteristic move, did not laugh at the sight of the disgruntled third years. Instead, he was wearing a thoughtful smile.
Sequoia: He's got some thoughts. The gears are turning.
Kim: It's time for machinations. [Sequoia laughs] “Uh-oh,” Daphne said warily. “I'm not sure I like that smirk.” “I was just thinking,” Blaise said quietly, refilling Daphne's coffee cup. He had a feeling she'd need all the caffeine possible for what he was about to suggest. “Wouldn't all of our lives be easier if Granger and Weasley would just shut up?”
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah, I think so.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I think the entire school’s lives would be easier if they would just shut up.
Kim: Daphne snorted. “You said yourself, they'd only stop fighting if…” She stopped speaking, not liking the look on Blaise’s face at all.
Sequoia: Dot dot dot. [both laugh]
Kim: “Exactly,” he said. “No,” Daphne said firmly. “I refuse.”
Sequoia: Well, you haven't even heard the plan yet!
Kim: The plaaaan.
Sequoia: The plan!
Kim: “It would make our lives so much easier,” Blaise said. “Just think. We could go to the library and get homework done instead of having to camp out in our dormitories.”
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: “You could enjoy your coffee without accompanying shouts.”
Sequoia: Yes. This is… yeah.
Kim: Good sell.
Sequoia: Yeah, selliing it really well.
Kim: Are they fighting in the library?
Sequoia: They're definitely fighting in the library. They're fighting wherever they happen to be…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …and Hermione loves the library, so, you know.
Kim: True. Yeah. All right. [both laugh] “Fine,” she said. “I'll help you set up the Dreadful Duo.”
Sequoia: What's the plan?
Kim: A passage of time.
Sequoia: Good.
Kim: “Weasley, mind if I have a word?” Daphne asked silkily, catching him outside of Potions, the last class of the day. They'd decided that Ron would be more likely to trust a girl.
Sequoia: Yes. But he is unlikely to trust…
Kim: Any Slytherin.
Sequoia: …any Slytherin.
Kim: True. That's very true.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But Ron doesn't recognize anyone at any point in time.
Sequoia: That is true.
Kim: Who’s this?
Sequoia: That's true. If it's a Slytherin girl… if it’s a Slytherin girl that's not Pansy, then he probably doesn't know who she is.
Kim: Exactly. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh, good thoughts.
Kim: Harry also. I'm not just dunking on Ron here. Harry has never seen this girl before in his life.
Sequoia: [laughs] Exactly. They've had so many classes together and yet.
Kim: And yet!
Sequoia: And yet, no idea who she is, so…
Kim: “What?” Ron asked. [Sequoia laughs] “I need to talk to you,” Daphne said putting her hand on his arm. As predicted, this set Hermione a-glaring and a-fuming.
Sequoia: Oh, I see! I'm starting to see the plan. Starting to see the vague outlines of the plan. Is this a good plan? I don't think so. This might be a bad plan.
Kim: Hold for the text. [Sequoia laughs] “Sure,” Ron said, confusion wrinkling his brow. “Ron, we've got a Transfiguration essay.” Hermione reminded him rather irritably. [both laugh] Like he's ever cared about homework.
Sequoia: Yeah, the essay can wait.
Kim: Hmm. Daphne's definitely just going to take him around the corner and curse him. [Sequoia laughs] Slytherins.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's true.
Kim: “It'll only take a minute, I promise,” Daphne assured her, smiling in a vaguely challenging manner…
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: …that she'd spent fifteen minutes practicing in the mirror that morning until Blaise had deemed her perfect. [Sequoia laughs] I love…
Sequoia: Wait a second!
Kim: I love…
Sequoia: [laughs] Why is Blaise…
Kim: What?
Sequoia: …this way? [laughs]
Kim: [laughing] Great question. That’s a great question.
Sequoia: Why? [both laugh]
Kim: Because it's funny.
Sequoia: Ooh, that's good.
Kim: Yeah? I love their relationship. Daphne and Blaise are just so funny in this story. The story is hilarious.
Sequoia: I like how they planned… that the plan gets down to the minutiae of how exactly you are to smile at X person at X time.
Kim: Every single thing Daphne and Blaise say to anyone other than each other, I think, in this fic has been pre-scripted.
Sequoia: Amazing! [both laugh]
Kim: ‘Cause they're very funny. “I'll be right back,” Ron said. Daphne took his arm and steered him away from Hermione and Harry. “What's this all about?” Ron demanded. “Patience is a virtue,” Daphne said mysteriously. [Sequoia laughs] She led him around the corner, through a secret passageway, and into a deserted stretch of corridor.
Sequoia: Do not! [both laugh]
Kim: Right? What are you, doing, Ron?
Sequoia: Do not do that! Do not go there! Do not let this happen!
Kim: This is one hundred percent way to get fucking cursed. [Sequoia laughs] Footsteps down the hall heralded the arrival of Blaise. “What's going on?” Ron demanded. Only now looking concerned.
Sequoia: You're about to get cursed!
Kim: What are you doing, dude? “Ah, Weasley,” Blaise said, then twisted the knob of the closest door. He swung it open and gestured inside. “Please, step into my office.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Blaise! Blaise. Blaise. Blaise? Blaise.
Kim: I'm glad we started this episode off with our discussion about your problems with Blaise. [Sequoia laughs] Because I'm here to reinforce your problem. [Sequoia laughs again] With some old excellent Blaise characterization.
Sequoia: Oh my god. Incredible. Step into my office. Blaise? Also, don't go in there. [both laugh]
Kim: A small passage of time. Ron Weasley, quite frankly was stunned. “What?” was all he could say.
Sequoia: Oh, no. Are they just like laying it out for him?
Kim: “We've already explained it to you,” Blaise said.
Sequoia: Well, you might have to explain it again. [both laugh]
Kim: “He may be thick, Blaise, but he's not stupid.” Daphne chastised. “He's been in denial for the past six years.”
Sequoia: Oh, they are just laying it out for him. Nice. Solid. Good work.
Kim: Uh huh!
Sequoia: Listen. [laughs] it's a lot better than having some convoluted plan where there’s a miscommunication.
Kim: The convoluted plan is going to come later.
Sequoia: Oh, good. Okay.
Kim: But they need one of the two of them on their side, I think.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: They've decided.
Sequoia: They’ve decided.
Kim: It's too hard to do it, to push them together from the outside.
Sequoia: Right. Especially when you're so disconnected from both of them.
Kim: Yeah, exactly.
Sequoia: No, this tracks.
Kim: They've got to get in. “I've not been in denial!" Ron yelled. [Sequoia laughs] Daphne affected a weary expression. “Fighting day and night, driving us all mad,” Blaise added. “I do not fancy Hermione,” Ron yelped.
Sequoia: Oh, Ron, yes, you do.
Kim: Oh, Ron. Ronald.
Sequoia: Ronald.
Kim: Ronald Bilius.
Sequoia: Ronald Bilius Weasley!
Kim: Please. “You don't?” Daphne asked innocently. “Of course not,” Ron said. “Just because she's brilliant and funny and wonderful, and has this annoying habit of rolling her eyes all the time, and I feel so alive whenever she's around…”
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my god!
Kim: “…and when she's not there, it drives me mad. And sometimes when you catch her in the right light, her hair looks like a golden halo.” [Sequoia laughs hysterically] He trailed off into silence.
Sequoia: Ronald!
Kim: That is one of my favorite bits. You know?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: The rant about all the things that annoys you about them that turns into a declaration of love.
Sequoia: Yep. Yeah, that's good. That’s good stuff.
Kim: Yesss. The Slytherins were smirking at him. “Bloody hell,” he said weakly. “I do fancy Hermione.” [both laugh] “That's a good chap,” Blaise said jovially. “I knew you weren't as dumb as you look.”
Sequoia: Rude.
Kim: Rude. [Sequoia laughs] A passage of time and a subheading.
Sequoia: Ooooh!
Kim: Plan A: Just Tell Her Already.
Sequoia: This is a good plan A. I like it.
Kim: [laughs] Yes. This is weirdly good for a plan.
Sequoia: Yeah, fanfiction usually doesn't hit the nail on the head with the plans, but…
Kim: This Blaise and Daphne are oddly competent.
Sequoia: Yeah. And I think they're trying to get this done in a timely manner. You know?
Kim: Yeah, they're fucking over this shit.
Sequoia: They're so over it. [both laugh] Must expedite this process. [both laugh]
Kim: “Hermione, can I speak with you for a second?” Ron asked.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: Blaise and Daphne were giving him the thumbs up from the Slytherin table.
Sequoia: Oh, no! You c… you c… I mean good, but also, do you have eyes on this situation? You need audio. You need…
Kim: They can't. They got to pretend like they have nothing to do with it.
Sequoia: [groans] Oh no.
Kim: So he gets nothing but some thumbs up.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: “Sure,” Hermione said absently. “What?” “I meant, um, [wobbly voice] privately.”
Sequoia: [laughs] This is one of your best performances.
Kim: Oh, thank you. [Sequoia laughs] Story… this story gives me a lot of material. Ron said, stumbling over his words slightly. Hermione cocked an eyebrow at him. “Okay.” She got up and they left the Great Hall, the Slytherin duo giving each other surreptitious high fives under the table.
Sequoia: Too soon! [laughs]
Kim: High fiving! [both laugh]
Sequoia: You're high fiving too soon.
Kim: Do you think it's like a really complicated high five?
Sequoia: Oh, ABSOLUTELY they have a secret handshake type high five experience.
Kim: [laughs] I love them.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: “What is it?” Hermione asked. Ron lost all his nerve.
Sequoia: Oh, man!
Kim: He couldn't help it. She looked at him out of those big brown eyes. Her brow furrowed in that singularly cute way…
Sequoia: Oh no!
Kim: …and he lost it.
Sequoia: Oh, damn it.
Kim: It was a good plan.
Sequoia: It was a good… it was a plan, but they needed more…
Kim: Yeah. Needed a little bit more from Ron.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That didn't go over well when he tried to explain it to his odd cohorts. "You just ran away?"
Sequoia: [laughs] He just went sprinting down the hall! [laughs]
Kim: Hermione is like, what's up? And he's like, I've got to… shit! [Sequoia laughs] Bye!
Sequoia: I'm imagining one of the… like a cartoon when their legs are moving so fast that it just sort of looks like a blurry spinning circle.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: That's sort of what I'm imagining here.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Sequoia: Yeah. And then he's just gone.
Kim: “You just ran away?” Daphne moaned, dropping her forehead to Blaise’s shoulder in despair. “He ran away!” [Sequoia laughs] “Ron, you idiot,” Blaise said. “Now we have to come up with a new plan.”
Sequoia: No, you don't.
Kim: "What if I don't want a new plan?” Ron said stubbornly.
Sequoia: What if he just did the pla… did the first plan again, except…
Kim: No, that plan is never going to work. That plan…
Sequoia: …give him a little bit more to work with.
Kim: That plan’s never gonna work. No. Time for more elaborate plan.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Come on, Sequoia. We need some more elaborate plans.
Sequoia: Okay, okay, elaborate plan.
Kim: “What if I’ve changed my mind?” “What mind?” Daphne asked mournfully.
Sequoia: [laughs] DAMN! Damn!
Kim: They're grumpy. They had… they had this perfect plan, just fucking tell her.
Sequoia: [laughs] And now they have to do more work. [Kim groans] Fine.
Kim: “No insulting, Daphne. Please restrain yourself,” Blaise said. Daphne raised her head to look at Ron. “Do you still fancy her?” “Well… well, yes,” Ron said. “But what if she doesn't fancy me?”
Sequoia: Is this just occurring to you, Ronald?
Kim: “She does,” the Slytherins said as one. [both laugh] Here comes another subheading. Plan B.
Sequoia: Plan B.
Kim: The Happy Kiss.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. I'm not sure where this is going.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: Huh.
Kim: “I don't get it, Weasley,” Blaise snapped. “It was a perfectly simple plan. A Quidditch game." "A lovely win for Gryffindor,” Daphne added. “Again,” Blaise said. “Whoopee, you're the keeper. You're so happy, you've won, that you just…" "Kiss her,” Daphne finished.
Sequoia: Interesting plan. I don't know how they think that he's going to be…
Kim: Up for it?
Sequoia: …up for it when he couldn't speak words at her.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Also, how he could win a Quidditch game when he's thinking about the fact that he has to win the Quidditch game and then kiss Hermione. He literally can't concentrate on that many things at the same time. [both laugh]
Kim: “Then she won't be able to resist kissing you again,” Blaise explained. Won't be able to resist.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Because it'll be…
Sequoia: Because it'll be…
Kim: You know, it'll be one of those cases where everything stops and then the camera circles around. [both laugh] The music starts.
Sequoia: There's inexplicably some wind when there wasn’t any before.
Kim: Uh huh. Uh huh. And everybody gets quiet in the background. You can see Harry cheering.
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: “It was so simple. And instead, you muck the whole thing up by hurrying off to the locker room before she could even get down there!”
Sequoia: Oh, so he did win the Quidditch game.
Kim: Won the Quidditch game!
Sequoia: But he… argh!
Kim: Panicked at the last minute again.
Sequoia: Again. You have to… you have to craft a plan that takes into account…
Kim: That’s… that… Ron… you need a Ron-proof plan.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Yeah. Yep, yup, yup. Ron turned red. “No, listen here. Hermione is not that kind of girl. You can't just go around kissing her.” [Sequoia laughs] I don't know what that means.
Sequoia: [laughs] I do not know what that means! It is funny though.
Kim: He doesn't want their first kiss to be like that.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Maybe.
Sequoia: Maybe.
Kim: I don’t know, a surprise.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Because you do run the risk of Hermione being like, what the fuck?
Sequoia: [laughs] And in front of everyone who’s cheering for you at the Quidditch game.
Kim: Yeah. This would be a good plan if you were Blaise.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: This isn't a Ron plan.
Sequoia: That's the… that’s it. They're just not taking into account Ron.
Kim: Yep. Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup. “You know,” Blaise said, “that's kind of sweet. But now we need a new plan.” [laughs] Blaise’s brow furrowed in thought. “Maybe Ron should buy her a gift?”
Sequoia: Yeah?
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah. But then it would have to come along with any amount of talking.
Kim: Huh?
Sequoia: He could write her a letter to go with the gift?
Kim: Ahhh. I feel you just have to take Ron out of the equation entirely! [both laugh] Well, they’re already… they already… what if they were working it from both angles? If they were working Ron and working Hermione?
Sequoia: Oh. That would be good.
Kim: I think they needed a couple more co-conspirators, maybe.
Sequoia: Probably. I think if they asked nicely, Harry probably would have… would’ve been down to become part of this.
Kim: Yes, maybe.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I don't know. It's hard to say with Harry. He's pretty oblivious.
Sequoia: And Harry might not have… might have gotten like one secret passageway into the…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Into the… into the trip with Daphne…
Kim: To Blaise’s office.
Sequoia: To Blaise’s office and being like, no.
Kim: Just firing off spells. [Sequoia laughs] Yeah. I think that's a good way to get expelliarmused.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: “Maybe Ron should buy her a gift.” “Flowers?” Daphne suggested. “I was thinking candy,” Blaise said. “How about a nice hat?” Daphne said.
Sequoia: A nice hat? Guys! [laughs]
Kim: These two are so ready to plan and then they're just like… they had one plan and it fell apart…
Sequoia: And it fell apart.
Kim: …and they just didn't have any other plan.
Sequoia: I mean, to be fair to them, it was the best plan.
Kim: Yeah. [laughs]
Sequoia: So they… they did… they have been doing their very best so far. But, like, a nice hat?
Kim: It's what Daphne wants. [laughs]
Sequoia: They're like, if a suitor were trying to woo me, I would want a nice hat. [both laugh]
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Good. Okay. Flowers, eh. Candy, she's a child of dentists.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So maybe not with the candy.
Kim: It might not work so well. “Have the both of you gone bonkers?” Ron demanded hotly. “You're talking about girl presents!”
Sequoia: But, what… but…
Kim: A nice hat? I think everybody loves to have a nice hat. But whatever, Ron.
Sequoia: A nice hat? Yeah. I think that’s a gender neutral present or whatever. But…
Kim: “In case you haven't noticed,” Blaise said dryly, “Hermione is a girl.” Blaise is right.
Sequoia: Yeah. Blaise is right.
Kim: Blaise is right.
Sequoia: And flowers are like… flowers and candy…
Kim: Gender neutral.
Sequoia: Gender neutral, and…
Kim: Everybody loves candy.
Sequoia: Literally everybody loves candy. And also, they're romantic gesture type gifts, Ron.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You’re not in the right… he's not in the right headspace.
Kim: Well, yeah. [Sequoia laughs] That goes without saying. “But if I was to get her something she’d truly love, it’d have to be, I don't know, the complete unabridged version of Hogwarts: A History.”
Sequoia: Of course. Of course. Of course he said a book.
Kim: But that is what Hermione…
Sequoia: She would.
Kim: He's not wrong.
Sequoia: But I mean, does she not already have it?
Kim: The Slytherins were staring at Ron in shock. “It's brilliant,” Blaise breathed. [both laugh] They like his plan.
Sequoia: I mean, it's not bad. I just would worry that she already had it, but other than that, it's a pretty good plan.
Kim: “Oh, Ron!” Daphne squealed throwing her arms around him. Ron looked slightly bewildered. “Forget all the nasty things I've ever said to you!”
Sequoia: [laughs] You had one good, bright, shining idea and I have now forgiven you for being a total idiot. [both laugh]
Kim: “What?” “I might want to use them again, you know,” Daphne muttered.
Sequoia: Use what?
Kim: The insults again. The nasty things. Forget them all, I'm going to use them again.
Sequoia: Well, yeah, yeah. I mean, that goes without saying. [both laugh]
Kim: “Huh?” “Being snarky and witty all the time isn't as easy as I make it look, you know?”
Sequoia: Oh my god, yes. [both laugh]
Kim: Daphne is so good.
Sequoia: She is so good.
Kim: “Back on topic,” Blaise reminded her. “I think it's brilliant. Although an unabridged Hogwarts: A History would be exceptionally difficult to get our hands on.”
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: “The thrice cursed Ministry keeps editing the things,” Daphne said scornfully.
Sequoia: The government.
Kim: The government.
Sequoia: The government getting involved in their…
Kim: Education.
Sequoia: …educational text materials and editing them.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Are they going to break into the Ministry? [both laugh] Now we must stage a heist!
Kim: Dang, I wish. “The question, of course, is how to acquire one,” Blaise said. “It’d have to be from a Slytherin.”
Sequoia: It would?
Kim: Ron…
Sequoia: Is it contraband?
Kim: Kind of, yeah.
Sequoia: Hmm. Okay.
Kim: The Ministry wants to keep all the nasty things they've edited out on the down low.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: “One who's got an extensive library at home,” Daphne said. “They'd have to be rich…”
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: “…to keep the Ministry officials from confiscating the book in the first place,” Blaise added.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: “Which means it has to be a family known for its sneakiness,” Ron put in.
Sequoia: Oh, fuck! [laughs]
Kim: They smirked at each other. The answer was quite obvious.
Sequoia: I did not see this coming. I did not! [laughs]
Kim: What? Why not?
Sequoia: We're bringing Malfoy into the plan? [Kim laughs] There's no… [both laugh] Before we have the idea of… well, we’ll just also tell Hermione. We’ll just also get Hermione into Blaise’s office and have a discussion. Have a frank discussion with her. We're not going to do that. But I'm not going to try and get Harry involved, their best friend, to sort of help Ron through this experience. What we're going to do is go find Draco Malfoy… [both laugh] What the fuck is this plan?
Kim: Look, they're Slytherins. They are going to do what they're going to do.
Sequoia: All right. All right.
Kim: Got another subheading.
Sequoia: How are we going to get Draco to do… okay.
Kim: Plan C, Part One: The Bargain.
Sequoia: [laughs] Part one! Okay, so they have to bargain with Draco to get the book in the first place, gotcha. Okay. Part one. What are we bargaining with?
Kim: Uh huh. “Weasley, you ready?” Daphne muttered, while seemingly ignoring the redhead behind her. “It's a snap,” Ron said. “Right ho,” Blaise said. “Commence Part One.” The three of them sauntered into the Great Hall, Ron heading for the Gryffindor table and the other two heading for the Slytherin table. A few minutes later, right on cue, raised voices were heard.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: “Ron, I've told you three times, that essay needs to be finished!” “It was a beautiful day, Hermione. Thought I’d get in some Quidditch practice.” “You and your infernal Quidditch. If you fail your N.E.W.T.s, don't come crying to me.” “Are you saying I'm not smart enough to pass my N.E.W.T.s?”
Sequoia: Oh, you guys. Is this… this is… this is part of the plan?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Good. [laughs]
Kim: This is part of the plan.
Sequoia: This is part one of the wooing Hermione plan. You have to piss off Hermione really bad.
Kim: They do this literally every morning.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's true.
Kim: They’re just doing it maybe a little louder than normal.
Sequoia: Right. Okay, it's all about volume.
Kim: “Don't they ever shut up?” Daphne complained loudly, affecting a mournful expression and sneaking a sly look at the target.
Sequoia: Ohhh, they're going to get Draco in on the plan because he also would like for them to shut up?
Kim: Uh huh! [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughs] What is that?! Okay.
Kim: “Some days, I just want to lock them in a closet,” Blaise said, his voice carrying down the table. “They'd probably kill each other,” Draco drawled. Blaise and Daphne grinned. They had him right where they wanted him.
Sequoia: Oh. Nice. Nice, nice, nice.
Kim: “You know, our lives would be a lot easier if they just confessed that they fancied each other,” Daphne said conversationally. “This is Granger and Weasley,” Blaise said, “He'd have to do something special.” “Jewelry always works,” Daphne quipped. “This is Granger and Weasley,” Blaise repeated. “He'd have to get her something Grangerish.”
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my god. I like to imagine, though, that this… this…
Kim: How long do you think they spent writing this script?
Sequoia: Oh my god. All night. They did not sleep.
Kim: They practiced this.
Sequoia: They practised… they practised, and it's weird that Draco didn't hear them practising [Kim laughs] in the dormitories or common rooms or whatever. Maybe they went somewhere else. To Blaise’s office!
Kim: To Blaise’s office. [both laugh] I didn't mention this earlier, but I do wish I knew everything about Blaise’s office. Is it the prop room? [Sequoia laughs] It is, isn't it?
Sequoia: It is.
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: It is. Yeah. They've been practicing all night long. They worked really hard on this script. And I… and they are being a little weird.
Kim: What do you mean?
Sequoia: [laughs] They're being a little overly theatrical about it, I'm sure.
Kim: They're always like this.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Maybe.
Sequoia: Everybody’s like, oh, man.
Kim: It’s Blaise and Daphne.
Sequoia: They’re at it again. [both laugh]
Kim: He'd have to get her something… well, I don’t know… and then… [both make dramatic noises] “He’d have to get her something Grangerish.” “Like a complete unabridged copy of Hogwarts: A History?" Daphne asked jokingly. “I've got one of those at home,” Draco mused. [Sequoia laughs] That wasn't Draco voice. I'm sorry. They're all merging…
Sequoia: They're all becoming one! it's just one dramatic… [laughs helplessly]
Kim: Someone help me.
Sequoia: Listen, there's only one character you… [laughs]
Kim: It's all just Blaise.
Sequoia: There’s one character and it's just Blaise.
Kim: It’s just Blaise
Sequoia: Whoo! Draco. He’s fallen right into their trap. [laughs]
Kim: “Well,” Pansy said, “Maybe you should just give it to Weasley and nudge him in the right direction.”
Sequoia: That feels like such a hard sell.
Kim: “A priceless manuscript?”
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Draco scoffed. “Are you mad?” Goddamnit. I'm nowhere near Draco today.
Sequoia: Do you want to… do you wanna… d’you wanna get there?
Kim: I’ve got to get there. Give me a second. [in a dramatic drawl, used for Draco throughout] My faaaather! [both laugh] “A priceless manuscript?” Draco scoffed. “Are you mad? He'd probably drop it somewhere.”
Sequoia: That's… that’s not exactly what… [laughs]
Kim: Why is that… why’s that your concern, Draco? What’s wrong with you?
Sequoia: [laughing] That’s not the concern. I wa… that wasn't the concern!
Kim: “I suggest we take up a collection,” Blaise announced to Draco. “How much do you think that book's worth?”
Sequoia: They're going to pay for it.
Kim: “What are you getting at?” Draco asked. “How much are we all willing to pay to get some peace around here?” Daphne said. The rest of the Slytherins begin murmuring and nodding.
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh my god!
Kim: It's coming together. The plan’s coming together.
Sequoia: The plan is coming together. They're starting to…
Kim: Draco was so easy to manipulate, but they also already know everything about Slytherins.
Sequoia: That's true. That’s true.
Kim: I bet they are playing these mind games all the fucking time.
Sequoia: All the time. Yeah, they're starting a GoFundMe. [laughs]
Kim: They are. [both laugh] Right. “Three hundred galleons,” Draco said immediately.
Sequoia: Is how much he would pay personally?
Kim: Is how much he's saying the book is worth.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: Is he just going to steal it? It's his pa… whatever.
Sequoia: He’s… yeah, is that money going into his personal pocket?
Kim: For sure. [Sequoia laughs] It’s how much it's going to cost everyone for him to steal it.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: “What do you think?” Blaise inquired of his fellow Slytherins. “Three hundred galleons?" "Done!” shouted Tracey Davis. They really had always liked her.
Sequoia: She's just going to pay it?
Kim: Done.
Sequoia: Tracey!
Kim: All the Slytherins [Sequoia laughs] are like that.
Sequoia: They're just like mega rich…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …and…
Kim: Done with this bullshit.
Sequoia: …done with this shit. Wow. Okay. All right, Tracey, you do you.
Kim: Tracey here.
Sequoia: Tracey.
Kim: Another one of those names that was just a name, you know?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: A passage of time. “Here it is,” Daphne said reverently, lifting an old dusty book from her bag. “The solution to all our problems.”
Sequoia: Don't drop it. [both laugh]
Kim: Why is that the… never mind. “The solution to all our problems.” “What?” Ron said. “Well, that is, your problem,” Daphne corrected hastily.
Sequoia: Yes, we are doing this out of the kindness of our heart.
Kim: Nothing else. No…
Sequoia: We get nothing out of this.
Kim: No ulterior motives. We're just so kind, you see us.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Mmmm!
Sequoia: They're known for it. [both laugh]
Kim: They don't grab first years and practice spit takes on them. [Sequoia laughs] Ron took the book, shaking his head ever so slightly. “Are you guys sure about this?” “It was your idea,” Blaise reminded him.
Sequoia: Ron's got to know that this didn't just, like, appear.
Kim: Does he?
Sequoia: I guess not. Maybe he just… [both laugh]
Kim: Does he got to know that?
Sequoia: Meh.
Kim: Subheading. Plan C: The Perfect Gift.
Sequoia: All right. This is good.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They tried… they tried a number of things. Tell her, kiss her, give her a present.
Sequoia: Yes. And I’m having a… I'm feeling very confident in give her a present.
Kim: Okay. Because we're getting up on the end of time? [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, mostly because we're getting up on the end of time, but also, I think she really will like the present.
Kim: Oh, yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: “Hermione,” Ron said sitting down beside her in the library. “Hmm,” she said absently. Blaise and Daphne were hidden behind a bookcase.
Sequoia: Okay, good.
Kim: They got eyes.
Sequoia: Yes. You’ve got… you gotta have eye on it.
Kim: Yeah. Peering between the dusty tomes as their prodigy worked his seductive magic.
Sequoia: Ohhhh.
Kim: “Er, whatcha writing?” Ron stammered.
Sequoia: This is good. This is, yes, good seductive magic. [laughs]
Kim: Scratch that. Says the text.
Sequoia: Oh, good.
Kim: He's trying!
Sequoia: He is trying. They… they… they know what gotten themselves…
Kim: How do you… how do you… how’s it go?
Sequoia: Where’s the… have you seen the… dealing… before? [laughs]
Kim: You're really good at this.
Sequoia: Thank you. [laughs]
Kim: “Essay for Charms,” Hermione replied. “Snog him,” Daphne yelled.
Sequoia: [laughs] DAMN!
Kim: They're… they’re finished. They’re fucking over this shit.
Sequoia: They can't even wait for the present to be like… hold on! [laughs]
Kim: They're… they’re subliminally influencing…
Sequoia: I don't know that I would call that subliminal. [laughs] I don't think that's what that word means. [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] Huh? Hermione whipped around, but the Slytherins had fallen to the ground in fits of silent laughter. “Did you hear that?” she asked. “Hear what?” Ron said. [both laugh] This plan.
Sequoia: There's also…
Kim: It was going fine.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: It's going to fall apart right at the finish line.
Sequoia: Exactly, because they're going to wig Ron out with this weird yelling thing that they're doing. You're ruining your own plan!
Kim: But it's funnyyyy! [Sequoia laughs]They've been so well behaved for so long, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Right. Right.
Kim: It's been so hard.
Sequoia: It has been. They've had to be nice to Ron for seemingly, like, at least a week.
Kim: Yeah! [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. A travesty.
Kim: Seriously. “Hear what?” Ron said, though his ears had gone red. “Nothing,” Hermione said, “Nothing. What is it you wanted, Ron?” “Your hot body!” [Sequoia laughs] Daphne yelled again.
Sequoia: Daphne, shut the fuck up, dude!
Kim: Blaise clapped a hand over her mouth. [both laugh] Not helping.
Sequoia: Not helpful! Yeah, this is not even close to helpful.
Kim: But it is funny.
Sequoia: Oh, jeez. Okay.
Kim: It's funny! They’re heckling… they're heckling him.
Sequoia: They're heckling their own… this is your own plan! Tracey's going to be so pissed if this doesn't work. [both laugh]
Kim: Seriously. “Okay, I heard it that time. I'm certain of it,” Hermione said sharply. “I didn't hear anything,” Ron said.
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my god.
Kim: “Maybe I'm hearing things,” Hermione sighed. “This ought to make you feel better.”
Sequoia: Okay. Sure.
Kim: Keeping on track! They didn’t…
Sequoia: He's got a goal.
Kim: Blaise and Daphne should have written a script for him.
Sequoia: Yeah, they've written a script for themselves for the entire week.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: So… [both laugh] Maybe they just didn't have time.
Kim: Yeah, they were busy writing their own scripts and their own bits.
Sequoia: Writing their own scripts. Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: Because their own bits take precedence, obviously.
Sequoia: Obviously.
Kim: “This ought to make you feel better,” Ron said, laying down a wrapped package with a flourish. “What is it?” “Just a little something,” Ron said with a shrug. “It had your name written all over it.” Real casual. Got you a…
Both: …casual…
Sequoia: This a casual gift.
Kim: I just thought you’d like it. You know. Nothing special. Not a priceless artefact.
Sequoia: It's kind of a one of a kind. [both laugh]
Kim: “You got me a present?” Hermione asked slowly, looking shocked. “Yeah,” Ron said with a shrug.
Sequoia: Ooh. I'm feeling stressed!
Kim: You don’t think it’s gonna go well? [both laugh] Hermione undid the wrapping, then she gasped. “Ron, this is an original copy of Hogwarts: A History!” “I know,” Ron said simply.
Sequoia: I found it. [both laugh]
Kim: It was holding under… it was holding up my bedpost at home. Just noticed it there. Thought you'd like…
Both: …it.
Kim: “Oh, thank you!” Hermione breathed, throwing her arms around him. “That’s not a proper thank you!” Daphne whispered fiercely. “Snog the boy!”
Sequoia: Daphne!
Kim: She's whisper… she’s whispering.
Sequoia: Okay. [laughs]
Kim: The Slytherins…
Sequoia: [laughing] Okay.
Kim: The Slytherins weren't sure if Hermione had heard Daphne's whisper. All they knew was that suddenly she was kissing Ron for all she was worth.
Sequoia: Oh my god! It worked!
Kim: It worked. We did it.
Sequoia: Do you think she heard the whisper?
Kim: Maybe. Probably not.
Sequoia: Maybe… maybe since they whispered, it was a little bit more subconscious.
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh] Maybe. [whisper yelling] Snog him! Hermione! It was a stage whisper, let's be real. [laughs]
Sequoia: It was a stage whisper. They're never whispering.
Kim: No. Not even once.
Sequoia: They never whispered once in their whole lives. [both laugh]
Kim: They must get in so much trouble in classes.
Sequoia: Oh my god. So much.
Kim: I want a lot more of this Blaise and Daphne.
Sequoia: Me too!
Kim: They're so funny.
Sequoia: [sighs] Nice.
Kim: And then Blaise and Daphne realized they were stuck behind this bookcase until the two Gryffindors stopped, unless they wanted to get caught.
Sequoia: Hmm.
Kim: “Didn't think this bit through.”
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Blaise said weakly. “I did,” Daphne said jumping on Blaise and snogging him for England. [Sequoia laughs] Blaise found that he really didn't mind.
Sequoia: Nice. Yay!
Kim: The end.
Sequoia: Yayyy! Everybody got…
Both: …snogged. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, my goodness gracious. I absolutely loved this story. I… I don't think I mentioned it at the top. This one had to get… I had to cut a fair amount of it in order to fit it in our time box.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: So I would highly recommend going and reading it…
Sequoia: Yes!
Kim: …with your own eyes, because the whole thing is great.
Sequoia: Amazing.
Kim: One of those that I was very sad to lose any of.
Sequoia: Right. I love the structure. I love the structure. It's very good.
Kim: Very funny.
Sequoia: Very good. I love the pr… just the entire premise that every Slytherin is so annoyed by the voices of Ron and Hermione yelling at each other…
Kim: [laughs] Uh huh.
Sequoia: …that they will literally do anything, steal priceless artefacts from their own home. Pay three hundred galleons. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughs] Just to make it stop.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yes. The Slytherins were all really funny. And you got a nice solid Ronmione at the core.
Sequoia: Man! We never get to do Ronmione.
Kim: We don’t.
Sequoia: Yay!
Kim: It's usually not got enough other fun stuff going.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. You had to find the Slytherin-centric one in order to really nail that.
Kim: I think it was the heist structure that really spoke to me.
Sequoia: The heist structure? Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, I feel it's got a heistish structure. The plans.
Sequoia: The plans. With the plans. Yeah, for sure. Ooh. Well, thanks so much to Lorelei.
Kim: Yeah. Thanks for sending it to me.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: I don't trust that Sequoia would have read this to me.
Sequoia: I might have recced it.
Kim: Exactly.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So I was sitting right on the line between rec and read…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …but I thought you'd appreciate it more, since it came to me, if I read it to you. So…
Sequoia: Yes. I loved that. That was wonderful.
Kim: There it is.
Sequoia: Thanks so much.
Kim: Yeah, bud. All righty, let's do a segment. It's time for…
Both: A quick ficsssss!
Kim: Quick fics is a segment where one of us will briefly summarize a story that we've read that was special in its own little way, but not quite right for the podcast for whatever reason. Sequoia, you've got something fun today, don't you?
Sequoia: Yo, okay. I'm going to start off with… [laughs]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I'm going to start off with just reading the summary of the story.
Kim: Oh! it's time for a…
Both: [singing] Summary!
Sequoia: Harry Potter and Dudley Dursley live with their guardian, Special Agent Eclipse Evans, [Kim splutters with laughter] a relative of their mothers. The two cousins are best friends and are both talented at many things. What will they all do when Harry's invited to Hogwarts?
Kim: Eclipse Evans?
Sequoia: Eclipse Evans. Okay, here's the thing about this story, is there's only like five paragraphs of it. And it's…
Kim: It's such a tragedy.
Sequoia: …one of the most… one of the most fucking beautiful things I've ever laid my eyes on in my life.
Kim: Okay. Yeah, that’s… that… that… that was a very powerful summary.
Sequoia: I clicked on this story, I saw the summary, and I was like, oh my god. Literally give this to me right now. And unfortunately, we don't get too far into it.
Kim: Of course we don't.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: How many words is it?
Sequoia: It's 2282 words.
Kim: Oh! Okay, that's enough that I would think we would at least get a fairly solid understanding of what the premise is.
Sequoia: Not really.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: We got… we get a… we get a lot of introductions.
Kim: Like a base premise. Oh, okay.
Sequoia: So we got this…
Kim: We do have to…
Sequoia: …big chunky first paragraph. The first paragraph, which is many words, is just a description of…
Kim: Of what?
Sequoia: …Harry…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …hacking into…
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: …the most secure intelligence station in the United Kingdom.
Kim: Ooh. I have chills. I have chills.
Sequoia: Harry is a computer hacker.
Kim: Of course he is.
Sequoia: I need everyone to go read this, by the way. Harry's a computer hacker, but he's also a first string hockey player. [laughs]
Kim: He's what? Isn’t he like eleven?
Sequoia: I think they're older. They're older in this.
Kim: Why? How? What?
Sequoia: I don't know why.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: It's one of those, like, Harry's a little bit older when they come and get him and bring him to Hogwarts stories.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: But he is a hacker.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: And he describes his abilities as a computer hacker to be vaguely magical. But they don't know he's magic yet.
Kim: He's doing techno magic. That's cool.
Sequoia: Yeah. So he hacks into this most secure intelligence station in the United Kingdom.
Kim: Incredible.
Sequoia: And then he calls into his bosses and he does say, "Hello, this is Potter, 00478901. Mission complete.” [laughs]
Kim: Wait, the… the British… he's hacking into their own computers?
Sequoia: He's hacking into their own computers because they were becoming complacent.
Kim: Oh, okay. Sure.
Sequoia: So he needed to…
Kim: Sure, sure, sure.
Sequoia: He was there to just kick them in the butt.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah, gotchu, gotchu.
Sequoia: And be like, you can get hacked, so…
Kim: Through technomancy.
Sequoia: Through technomancy, so make sure that you…
Kim: Are protected against…
Sequoia: …keep an eye out on that.
Kim: Technomancy.
Sequoia: And then we get like a whole bit about how Dudley… like, Harry is very hyperfocusy and he forgets to eat and stuff.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Dudley takes care of him. Dudley's a really good cook and makes sure that like Harry eats. They're best friends. He makes sure that Harry eats food, so that he doesn't like die or whatever.
Kim: [laughs] What happened to Petunia and Vernon in this?
Sequoia: We don't know.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: We don't get any information except for that Harry has, like, dreams that he can't explain. He's a… he’s a hacker. Him and Dudley play sports.
Kim: They both play hockey?
Sequoia: No, we don't know what Dudley plays.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He's just described as a jock.
Kim: [laughs] Okay.
Sequoia: And then we get Agent Eclipse showing up at the house, and then it's over. [Kim gasps] And it's like so heartbreakingly devastating that I need everybody to go read the first five paragraphs of what this story was to become. And I want to know.
Kim: Did we get any, like, description of Eclipse?
Sequoia: Purplish blue eyes…
Kim: Ah!
Sequoia: …is as much as we get.
Kim: Oh! Dang it!
Sequoia: So there was… there's something going on there, obviously…
Kim: Of course. That’s awesome.
Sequoia: …with Agent Eclipse.
Kim: That is such a silly fun premise. [laughs]
Sequoia: [sighs] The first couple paragraphs of Harry doing some computer hacker shit, is very like… it's very… I'm in!
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: It's good.
Kim: Yeah. Pounding furiously on the keyboard at random.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly. So…
Kim: Although maybe in technomancy that actually works.
Sequoia: Maybe! I don't know. Anyway, this story is called The Clearing Sky, and there will be a link in the description because I do think everybody should go…
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: …experience it.
Kim: Nice. [laughs] Thank you for sharing that.
Sequoia: Mhm. And now it's time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pewww!
Kim: I have a sweet little… it's somewhere between sweet and angsty rec today.
Sequoia: [laughing] Okay!
Kim: It's called Rain on the Window, and it's Ted and Andromeda.
Sequoia: Ooh!
Kim: Before they get together. They meet up at a diner and the war’s going on, and it's very sweet.
Sequoia: Oh!
Kim: Some pre-romance kind of stuff. I liked it very much.
Sequoia: I love that!
Kim: Yep, very cute. Medium angst.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Love it.
Sequoia: A link to that will be in the description of this episode.
Kim: It will also be on our website, where we have a list of all of our recommendations. You can find that fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: Also at fanaticalfics.com is our story submission form. Today's story was submitted by a listener.
Kim: It was.
Sequoia: You too can submit some wild whatever that you find. I do love… I do love Ronmione. Actually, send me some cute fun fluffy nice Ronmione for my rec zone.
Kim: Send me some wild Ronmione!
Sequoia: [laughs] Send me some cute stuff. I need some stuff for my recommendations list.
Kim: I need some wild shit.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Also on our website, you can find links to our TeePublic, where we got lots of merch. And also, we have some merch on our website, bookmarks and fun stuff like that.
Sequoia: This is the last print of Yes!! Glitter!!!
Kim: It’s what?
Sequoia: This is the last print we’re doing of Yes!! Glitter!!!
Kim: Ohh!
Sequoia: There are about…
Kim: Limited edition!
Sequoia: …forty two of them left.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: So get them while you can.
Kim: Oh! You didn't tell me this beforehand.
Sequoia: I know I dropped a bomb. [laughs]
Kim: Okay. Bye, Yes!! Glitter!!!
Sequoia: This is the last run.
Kim: ‘Kayyy.
Sequoia: You can also find us on social media if there's anything that you'd like to tell us about what we've done to you as far as your ability to write any character is concerned. We are @FanaticalFics on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
Kim: You can also email us any longer thoughts at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: If you'd like to help out this podcast, there's a couple ways that you can do it. You can leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Facebook, or wherever will accept a review.
Kim: Sure. You can trick everyone 2021. For a couple more weeks.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, you've got like roughly a month left to trick everyone 2021 before it becomes trick everyone 2022.
Kim: Maybe we'll come up with a different word.
Sequoia: A similar campaign in a different year. [laughs]
Kim: Used to be… okay. [both laugh] You can also support us on Patreon. We do all kinds of fun stuff over there. Bonus episode this month that should already be out, that was a lot of fun.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: So check that out. Speaking of Patreon, after a certain number of months and a couple of… some of our tiers, you get a shout out on the podcast in the form of a story summary that Sequoia is going to do now.
Sequoia: “This is my literal worst nightmare,” Lily said, as she walked into the Great Hall to see none other than James Potter standing underneath a banner that spanned the entire hall.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: In big pink cursive script, the banner red, “Lily Evans, will you be my Valentine?” To top it all off, he was wearing a neon pink suit with a bright red tie and was holding a giant white heart shaped box. [Kim laughs] “You can't ignore me now, Evans!” As his voice rang out, music swelled through the room, a string quartet appearing from thin air. [Kim laughs] How will Lily handle such a grand romantic gesture? Will this be the straw that breaks the camel's back? And why are there Aurors called to Hogwarts to investigate a brutal murder? [Kim laughs] Find out all that and more, all wrapped up in a Valentine smooch in the Reluctant Valentine.
Kim: You know it's November.
Sequoia: Yes, I do. [laughs]
Kim: Okay, just checking. This shout out goes out to Xing Chen Puyang and Ruth Manthai. Your support means so much to us.
Sequoia: Thank you also to the Whomping Willows for our incredible theme song. It's their song, Wolfstar.
Kim: You can find that and all the rest of their cool tunes on thewhompingwillows.bandcamp.com. Maybe check them out on that next BandCamp Friday.
Both: Byeeeeee!