Episode 115: Behind the Masks
Recommendation: Riddikulus
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2690535/1/Riddikulus
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Abbey
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original works contained in this transcript, you can find them here!
Kim: I made the mistake before coming in here of taking a peek at what my hair looked like under that hat I was wearing. Don't look at me.
Sequoia: Hmm.
Kim: I need you not to look at me.
Sequoia: You're acting like I was not also wearing a beanie.
Kim: Yeah, but your hair looks fine. I know what my hair looks like right now.
Sequoia: Yeah, your hair looks like garbage. [Kim laughs] My hair looks like garbage too. We're not the same.
Kim: You look fine. [Sequoia laughs] Not fair.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to FIND ‘Em.
Kim: [laughs] Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: Did you like that one?
Kim: Your emphasis was very…
Sequoia: [laughs] Very something.
Kim: …something. Yeah. I couldn't figure out what.
Sequoia: [chuckles] I also don't know what to call that. But yeah, it was very something. It was very something. Before we get into it with the Harry Potter fanfiction…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …upon which the whole premise of this podcast is based…
Kim: Well, you know it's a podcast.
Sequoia: Yeah, I mean usually we have a moment. We have a bullshit moment.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Today is a brief moment. Not a whole lot of bullshit for here for the top, and actually no bullshit. No bullshit at all. This is not bullshit. This is actually really exciting news.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: For me, personally.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: I got to go on one of my very favorite podcasts.
Kim: I'm very excited for you.
Sequoia: Argh! And it was so exhilarating. I'm the first ever guest on this podcast.
Kim: First ever.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Who?
Sequoia: So the honor is high.
Kim: Did you really fuck up their pod?
Sequoia: [laughs] I did spend the entire time threatening to replace one or the other.
Kim: Oh. [Sequoia laughs] That's a vibe. [Sequoia laughs again] Sequoia? Coming in spicy.
Sequoia: I was on It Was A Sh*t Show.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Which is my friend Rae’s podcast, and she was on But Make It Scary, both on a regular feed episode and on a Patreon bonus feed episode.
Kim: Tell us a little bit about It Was A Sh*t Show.
Sequoia: It Was A Sh*t Show is a podcast about the production nightmares behind some of your favorite films and film franchises.
Kim: What movie were you talking about?
Sequoia: We were talking about Poltergeist.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Actually, that's one that I did some bonus content on the But Make It Scary Patreon. I did a whole video about Poltergeist.
Kim: You are just dropping these plugs like they're hot.
Sequoia: You know it.
Kim: On a grind today.
Sequoia: [laughs] Somebody's got to be. And so I actually knew a lot about the production company.
Kim: Oh, yeah, already?
Sequoia: Yeah. So, that was really fun.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: It was really, really a great time. And I know it's going to be a great episode.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: As of the release of this episode, it came out a couple of weeks ago.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: So you can go ahead and find that. There will be a link in the description of this episode.
Kim: You'll undoubtedly have tweeted about it.
Sequoia: I will have tweeted about it. Absolutely. Probably multiple times. I'm very excited.
Kim: Yeah. You also covered something else that you already knew a lot about on the other podcast that you went on.
Sequoia: Yeah. So one of the hosts of It Was A Sh*t Show has another podcast. It's called the Getting Lost podcast. It's about Lost, the TV show, which I have seen all the way through, I kid you not, seven times.
Kim: Oh my… that is… I love that show.
Sequoia: Too many times. [Kim laughs] Too many times, okay. So they have been doing this show for like six years.
Kim: Oh, wow.
Sequoia: They're in a phase right now where they're having guests on, and the guests pick one of their favorite episodes. And it's like a listener favorites sort of a format.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: I got to bring in an episode I really loved and just talk about it.
Kim: Oh, nice.
Sequoia: And it was so fun.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: I love Lost so much, you guys.
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: So much.
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: It's kind of a nightmare of storytelling. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: The world building is subpar at best, but I love it so much. I don't know. I can't really explain it. It's just great. There is something to be said about the ability of the writers to drop a fucking incredible cliffhanger at the end of a hundred twenty one episodes, every single episode. [both laugh] There is some talent in that. Does it require you to open a bunch of cans that you don't close? Absolutely. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh my gosh. Well, that sounds like another really fun episode. So…
Sequoia: Yeah. So go check those out. Those are both out already, and links will be in description of this episode.
Kim: And all over our soc-meds.
Sequoia: Alloves, soc-meds.
Kim: So check those out. I don't go into other podcasts. I’m very… I need to stay in this little box. [Sequoia laughs] I live in this little box. I stay in this little box. I don't leave this box.
Sequoia: You go on other Harry Potter podcasts.
Kim: Sometimes.
Sequoia: And Mike’s podcasts.
Kim: Sometimes. [Sequoia laughs] I have to be closely supervised.
Sequoia: You have to come on with me [Kim laughs] most of the time. But I can make sure you behave. [both laugh] Speaking of you on other podcasts, though, go ahead and check out the Hallowe’en episode of But Make It Scary.
Kim: Yeah. We decided this morning that I'm going to be on that.
Sequoia: Yeah. We haven't recorded it yet. You'll be there, though, just mainly to heckle Colin.
Kim: Yeah. I haven't seen him in a hot second, so thought I'd come hang out. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, it's going to be me and Kim and Colin. And Kim is literally there to heckle. It's going to be a good time.
Kim: I think so.
Sequoia: Ooh. Okay, well, now that I've done plugging like seven hundred different other things that are not this podcast, should we read Harry Potter fanfiction for this podcast?
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia: [laughs] Great.
Kim: I don’t know. We could plug some other stuff.
Both: Uhhh.
Kim: Lamp.
Sequoia: Was that a joke? Just because you saw lamp or because lamps plug in?
Kim: There's not a lamp in this room, Sequoia.
Sequoia: [laughs] So it was a plug joke. It was a plug in joke.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: That's good.
Kim: It's a good joke if you have to explain why you did it and what you meant.
Sequoia: [laughs] That was good. That was really good. I liked it.
Kim: Really bringing the vibes today.
Sequoia: [laughs] Jesus. What are the vibes today?
Kim: Well, we're going to find out what the fanfic’s…
Both: …vibes are.
Kim: Based on some clues.
Sequoia: [laughs] Based on some clues.
Kim: Let's move forward.
Sequoia: Let's do it. I'm here to redeem myself. All right, here we go.
Kim: From the crimes you've done?
Sequoia: From the crimes I've done to you all that I admit to. But we're trying… we are trying to get past that.
Kim: You're following on from the last episode where I tried to move us back towards the more normal zone of this podcast.
Sequoia: Exactly. Yeah.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I think that this fanfiction really does that in a beautiful way.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: This fanfiction is a listener submission.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: I want everyone to understand how it is that I go through listener submissions to understand that I didn't do this on purpose.
Kim: Do what? Okay.
Sequoia: When I open our spreadsheet…
Kim: Look. Okay, no, wait. Pause.
Sequoia: No, no. [laughs]
Kim: No, you have to pause, because whenever there is this much justification and explanation before we get into anything…
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: …it does make me extremely nervous.
Sequoia: [laughs] You shouldn't be nervous, because this is not an explanation about the fanfiction.
Kim: This is just a behind the scenes…?
Sequoia: This is the behind the scenes moment so that people can understand why… you'll see. Will you please hold for the story?
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Okay. When I open up our spreadsheet of listener submissions, I cannot see the column that shows the name of the person who submitted it. It's just too far, it's off the screen.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I don't check until after I have picked something.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: That being said, today's listener submission comes to us from Jessica.
Kim: Fuck. [Sequoia laughs] See, I wasn't… you told me not to be worried.
Sequoia: [laughs] I'm sorry. I literally… I don't have any words any more. I don't even have any words any more. [both laugh]
Kim: All right. So you claim that this is a you redemption. This might also be a Jessica redemption.
Sequoia: This might also be a Jessica redemption.
Kim: Hmkay.
Sequoia: This is me and Jessica, our redemption arc together. We were taking this journey together.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, let's get some predictions in. You're going to do predictions, Kim. Listeners, also, you should do your predictions, send them in on Twitter, #FanficDivination. Answer our story on Instagram. Make up a song. Write a song about your predictions. Send it to us. [both laugh]
Kim: Yes. Definitely do that.
Sequoia: [laughs] And here are the clues upon which you will be basing your inevitably fabulous predictions. Are you ready?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: This story is called Behind the Masks.
Kim: Fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. Oh, fucking shit. [Sequoia laughs] I'm so excited. Oh, I really hope that title is saying what I hope it's saying. Continue, please. Please continue. Please continue.
Sequoia: [laughs] The genre is romance. Pure… pure romance. You guys, I just want to say something. This is going to influence your predictions and that's okay with me. I just want to tell you guys how excited I am because this story is finished. This is a whole complete story.
Kim: You haven’t done a complete story in a hot second.
Sequoia: I know, and I feel so empowered by it. Anyway, your third clue is that this was… holy fucking shit. This came out like freshly post Goblet of Fire. Like, freshly.
Kim: Days?
Sequoia: The year 2000.
Kim: Oh, my god!
Sequoia: The year 2000, y'all.
Kim: Oh, the year 2000.
Sequoia: Yeah. [whispering] Yesss. [laughs]
Kim: Stories. Oh, these old enough to drink stories…
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: …are so powerful…
Sequoia: They're very powerful.
Kim: …all the time. Fanfiction, it was a little different back then. It changed flavors in the couple years…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It was a long time period between four and five coming out.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: The stuff at the beginning of that is wildly different in flavor from the stuff at the end of that period.
Sequoia: Right. And they're both…
Kim: They're both very powerful.
Sequoia: …like, impeccable flavors. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that whole time period is amazing. It's interesting to watch the fandom kind of spiral. [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly. So you're at the top, here, of that spiral experience.
Kim: Oh, good stuff.
Sequoia: Yeah. This is old.
Kim: Oh, I have to make predictions now. Fuck. Okay. No, I've got one right off the bat, masquerade ball.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: I'm going to just go all in on masquerade ball too. I feel masquerade ball is often an excuse to get Dramione to happen.
Sequoia: Noice.
Kim: Dramione.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Main couple kisses at midnight.
Sequoia: Ooh, okay. I like it. Those are all good. Those are all good.
Kim: I'm ready to be just so wildly off track that… [Sequoia laughs] I really hope it's masquerade ball though. That's what I really, really want.
Sequoia: You'll see. Hold for the text.
Kim: I don’t know that we've really done a straight up masquerade ball yet.
Sequoia: We've never done a masquerade ball.
Kim: Yeah. And they're so powerful.
Sequoia: We’ve done a ball. We've done some dances and stuff before.
Kim: Yeah, but never the, like, ooh, mistaken identity. I don't recognize Draco for some reason today.
Sequoia: Right. Once upon a Hallowe’en.
Kim: Yeah. Oh, this is a Hallowe’en story?!
Sequoia: This is a Hallowe’en story.
Kim: [inhales loudly] Sequoiaaaaa!
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: We haven’t done a Hallowe’en episode in a… I don't remember.
Sequoia: Ever.
Kim: Have we done a Hallowe’en episode?
Sequoia: We've never done a Hallowe’en episode?
Kim: Have we done a Hallowe’en story?
Sequoia: We’ve never done a Hallowe’en story.
Kim: Have I ever listened to this podcast? [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. I don’t… I… I… Really, I read this and I was like, I feel this is a bunch of fanfiction tropes that we just have not hit.
Kim: Have missed. The reason we haven't done a straight up Hallowe'en episode is there's actually not a ton…
Sequoia: There aren't.
Kim: …that are easy to find…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …by searching Hallowe’en in the fanfiction.net search bar. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yes, the very useful tool that is the [laughing] fanfiction.net… [laugh]
Kim: I think I did one that had pumpkins in it.
Sequoia: A Message in a Pumpkin.
Kim: Yeah, that’s the one.
Sequoia: But that was on the Patreon bonus feed.
Kim: Ohhh, not on the main feed.
Sequoia: We can't stop! We can’t stop!
Kim: All right. ABG! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Okay, give me that line again. I got distracted by how powerful it was.
Sequoia: Uh huh! Once upon a Hallowe’en…
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: …the Great Hall was buzzing with excitement. Rumor was the professors had something special in store for them this Hallowe’en.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: Hermione seriously didn't care. [both laugh]
Kim: Okay, this is a weird mood. Yes.
Sequoia: Who is she today?
Kim: She doesn't care about Hallowe’en.
Sequoia: Don't care.
Kim: Hallowe’en? Who gives a shit?
Sequoia: [laughs] Hermione seriously didn't care.
Kim: Shit.
Sequoia: She was so sick and tired of whatever it was already.
Kim: Why? You didn’t even know what it is.
Sequoia: You didn’t even know what it is. She's just sick of people being like, hey, something is happening. Hermione is like, oh my god! Shut up. We don’t even know what it is yet. [both laugh] Lavender, Parvati, and the other girls in her dorm had been talking about it all week.
Kim: The other girls in her dorm. Name any girl. [Sequoia laughs] It's not Sally Anne, I guess, maybe, today.
Sequoia: Maybe today. Who knows?
Kim: Never know.
Sequoia: They were talking about it.
Kim: And they were talking about it. What do you think's going to happen? I don't know. We don't know anything. Yeah. Same.
Sequoia: So I sort of get where Hermione is coming from.
Kim: That would be a little annoying.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: But it's supposed to be different. What do we do normally? We eat candy. Yep, that's true. [Sequoia laughs] This conversation is not getting anywhere.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Everyone is like, shut up!
Sequoia: Oh my god. I'm trying to read Hogwarts: A History.
Kim: For the fifth time.
Sequoia: It didn't matter what it was going to be a ball, a party, a trip. Anything. A trip? Why would you go on a trip?
Kim: That sounds… you’re gonna go on a trip? That sounds fun!
Sequoia: That sounds great.
Kim: Why aren’t you excited?
Sequoia: I don’t know what a Hallowe'en trip is.
Kim: Hogsmeade? Yeah, that wouldn't be that exciting.
Sequoia: That wouldn't be that exciting.
Kim: A spooky walk into the forest? [Sequoia laughs] That doesn’t sound fun, actually. Don't do that.
Sequoia: Hagrid’s going to take them. [laughs]
Both: On a spooky…
Kim: …haunted forest trip, but the forest is literally haunted and then some of them die.
Sequoia: Actually very haunted. Exactly.
Kim: Yeah, that's actually not a good idea.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: I wouldn't excited about that. But those first two things, Hermione, why aren't you excited?
Sequoia: A ball? A party? Because she doesn't like balls or parties. She likes books. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh, my gosh, Sequoia.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: [laughs] What?
Kim: Why did we think this was a good idea to act like and be like and write our characters like? [Sequoia laughs] Ah, dumb Lavender and Parvati. Hermione is not like other girls. Nothing would surprise her.
Sequoia: Oh. Okay. Unless?
Kim: Unless it was crazy. I don’t know. [laughs] I'm not going to be surprised and I don't give a shit. Fine. Hermione.
Sequoia: [clears throat] “Could I have everyone's attention?” Professor Dumbledore’s voice sounded through the hall. Everyone fell silent.
Kim: Here we go. Here's the exposition.
Sequoia: This is it. This is the big announcement. "Thank you. Now as you all probably know, there's going to be a special event on Hallowe'en this year.”
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: “Can anyone guess what it is?”
Kim: Hermione can't because she doesn't give a shit.
Sequoia: She's like, literally, shut up already. I don't care. [both laugh]
Kim: I'm fifteen. No, she's probably… what year is this? Fifth year?
Sequoia: I don't remember if we get to know.
Kim: I'm fifteen or sixteen or seventeen or eighteen, and I don’t give a shit. [Sequoia laughs] I'm too cool.
Sequoia: I'm somewhere in the upper teen range.
Kim: Don't care.
Sequoia: “Can anyone guess what it is?” There was a funny look in his eyes.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: [with 100% vocal fry] “A ball?” Cho Chang's voice was hopeful. [both laugh]
Kim: We did Cho such a disservice here. I'm sorry. Our Cho crimes will some day need to be answered for. [both laugh at length]
Sequoia: Cho crimes. Yeah. Yeah, no, that's true. Oops. Hermione snorted.
Kim: Fucking Cho, she's such a normal girl! I hate those!
Sequoia: [laughs] How that girl got into Ravenclaw was a mystery.
Kim: Fuck right off, Hermione! Fuck right off, fuck right off, fuck right off.
Sequoia: What? [laughs]
Kim: I'm wildly swinging around telling Hermione to fuck right off. What? I hit the mic stand.
Sequoia: Yeah, I know you hit your mic. Your mic stand. We’re all aware. We all heard it. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, my god. I hate when everyone dunks on Cho.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: She didn't do anything to deserve this.
Sequoia: She didn’t do anything.
Kim: Except exist and have feelings and trauma.
Sequoia: All that was on her mind if she had one, was boys and clothes.
Kim: Oh, my god. This… this version of Cho, super common for this time period.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah, especially for this time period.
Kim: Popular mean girl Cho.
Sequoia: Mhm. They were like, oh, how dare this girl turn down Harry for the Yule Ball? She must…
Kim: And be pretty.
Sequoia: …suck. Yeah.
Kim: And good at sports.
Kim: Yeah. No, she's great. She's, like, canonically great. Whatever. Whatever! “A contest?” A Hufflepuff suggested.
Kim: [laughs] Contest?
Sequoia: Contest! I don't know. it could be a costume contest.
Kim: Oh, yeah. Okay.
Sequoia: That’s not a terrible… that’s not a terrible, yeah, guess. “A Death Eater get together?” Fred Weasley shouted, receiving dirty looks from the Slytherins.
Kim: That’s…
Sequoia: This is very festive for Hallowe'en.
Kim: Death Eater get together.
Sequoia: A Death Eater get together. He thought it was funny.
Kim: That wasn’t funny.
Sequoia: It was a funny joke at the time.
Kim: It actually wasn't funny.
Sequoia: And then later, he was like, oh my god,
Kim: Hey Fred… oh my god
Sequoia: I can’t believe I said that in front of the… [laughs]
Kim: My god, that wasn’t a funny joke at all.
Sequoia: A real misstep. Oops.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Dumbledore shook his head and continued. “This year, we will have a carnival costume ball here at Hogwarts.”
Kim: Carnival costume ball?
Sequoia: “You can dress up as anything you'd like, as long as you use a mask or change your appearance.” [Kim exhales] That's going to be one for you, buddy.
Kim: One right at the top!
Sequoia: Drink it in. Drink it in!
Kim: I'm feeling very powerful. Let's see if we can get two more.
Sequoia: We'll see.
Kim: Now carnival. I thought the word carnival was tied to the Venice version.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: So masks.
Sequoia: Masks.
Kim: Venetian carnival tradition. Masks.
Sequoia: Gotcha. Okay.
Kim: That's where we're at.
Sequoia: That's where we're at.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: “This is so people from different houses can get together for at least one night. [Kim laughs] The carnival will take place on October thirty first, five days from now. That will be all.” Five days is like…
Kim: All right, Dumbledore, there's not a ton of time to get a costume.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: But they can all use magic.
Sequoia: They do have magic, so there is that. Yeah. But like still not a lot of time. You've got to brainstorm.
Kim: True.
Sequoia: Design.
Kim: True.
Sequoia: Especially if you're, like, magicking something.
Kim: Blaise is like having a crisis at this moment! [Sequoia laughs] They're like, stop everything. Cancel all the classes! [both laugh]
Sequoia: I think Blaise has to be having a crisis on two fronts. One, what am I going to wear?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And two, every Slytherin just looked at me like I'm about to help them…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …with their costumes. [sighs] It's just, like, a lot of work for Blaise, honestly.
Kim: Oh. Tragic. [laughs]
Sequoia: He sat down. Hermione sighed.
Kim: Argh.
Sequoia: Just what she needed.
Kim: You don’t have to… you don't have to go, actually.
Sequoia: You don’t have to go.
Kim: If you… if you're not into it, you're not excited about it, you don’t think it’s going to be fun.
Sequoia: Not mandatory.
Both: You don't have to go.
Kim: You can just chill.
Sequoia: Four days later, Hermione still didn't know what to dress up as. She had searched her drawers, her closets, gone to Hogsmeade several times.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: Nothing.
Kim: I wonder if this is like the Yule Ball, where it was restricted to the upper years. He didn't say that at the top, but I'm guessing it probably is.
Sequoia: Yeah, maybe. We'll see.
Kim: Uh oh.
Sequoia: When lessons were over, she, Harry, and Ron headed towards their common room. Halfway there, they were stopped by Ginny who was carrying her cloak. “Hi, Ron, Hermione. Uh, Harry.” [both laugh]
Kim: All right, we can rule out Harmony. It's good to get that stricken from the list. We don't need another Harmony today. [laughs]
Sequoia: No Harmony here.
Kim: Wooo!
Sequoia: She said, blushing furiously at the sight of Harry. Hermione frowned.
Kim: Adorable.
Sequoia: Hermione is just really, really down on everything today.
Kim: It's such a bummer.
Sequoia: She's a naysayer today.
Kim: Who the fuck is Hermione?
Sequoia: She's something. [laughs]
Kim: She is being so weird.
Sequoia: Hermione frowned. Okay, it was cute when Ginny was a first year, but come on. The girl was fourteen now. Her little crush on Harry had grown big and embarrassing.
Kim: Wow.
Sequoia: Rude.
Kim: Can you just like get your shit together and be nice, Hermione?
Sequoia: [laughs] Not today.
Kim: Why are you so down on everyone?
Sequoia: Not today.
Kim: Man.
Sequoia: Why are you embarrassed by… by Ginny’s crush on Harry?
Kim: ‘Cause she’s being… she's being a girl.
Sequoia: Oh, right. Right, right. No, I forgot.
Kim: Girls are uncool. Girls are embarrassing. You should never be a girl. [both laugh]
Sequoia: The 2000s were hard, okay?
Kim: Oh my gosh.
Sequoia: Listen. Listen. [laughs] I mean, being like ten years old is hard. [laughs] And I… and I get it. I understand.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “So, little sis, where are you going in such a hurry?” Ron snickered. He shared Hermione’s opinion on her little crush.
Kim: Rude. Well, Ron is canonically rude about that.
Sequoia: Ron… exactly. Yeah. This is not out of the ordinary. “Hogsmeade, of course! McGonagall gave permission for the whole week, remember?”
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: So they have special permission to go every single day for the next five days to Hogsmeade so that they can get together…
Kim: Get a costume.
Sequoia: Yeah, get costumes.
Kim: Okay, that's… that’s giving them a little bit more wiggle room, I feel like.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: To like actually pull this off.
Sequoia: Especially, yeah, with the timeframe they were given.
Kim: Yeah, yeah yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: For sure.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: There are only like two stores in Hogsmeade.
Kim: Blaise has not gone to class since the announcement.
Sequoia: No. And Blaise doesn't expect for people to expect them to be in class.
Kim: Yeah, obviously not.
Sequoia: Yeah. They’re like, I'm sorry. I am excused. [both laugh]
Kim: How much… how much of this episode are we going to spend writing a different story tangential to the main story?
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh no.
Kim: I don't know that we've ever written a B plot before.
Sequoia: Oh, cannot be helped! It cannot be helped.
Kim: Full of Blaise thoughts today, apparently.
Sequoia: [laughs] Ah. An extra Hogsmeade day? Inside Hermione’s head, a small hope grew. “Hang on a minute.”
Kim: You've already gone to Hogsmeade every day.
Sequoia: Every day, four times, already.
Kim: You… she… it just slipped her mind that she could be at Hogsmeade, I guess.
Sequoia: She was like, ah, one more day that I could go look at the same two stores that are in Hogsmeade.
Kim: The same two stores. The candy store and the post office.
Sequoia: The joke store? [laughs]
Kim: Oh, there’s three stores! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, not really a lot going on there in the Hallowe'en carnival masquerade ball…
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: …outfit scenario.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah. [Sequoia exhales heavily] They're just rummaging through the townspeople's closets. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Like, all the townspeople are like, oh, no, Dumbledore. Dumbledore said they're throwing a masquerade ball. They've only got five days. Hide all your good clothes! [both laugh] Oh, very good. “Hang on a minute. I'll get my coat and some money.” As she ran upstairs, she knew Harry and Ron were snickering right behind her back.
Kim: It's okay to like things.
Sequoia: [singing] It's okay to like things! It's okay to want to dress up and go to the ball! Thank you. I just wrote that song.
Kim: What is that song?
Sequoia: [laughing] I just wrote it. I just wrote it right now. Oh no.
Kim: You should perform it at every junior high in the area. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Okay. Even though it was only October, it was biting cold outside. As Hermione, Harry, Ron and Ginny walked to the high street of Hogsmeade…
Kim: Wait, Harry and Ron came?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They were being dicks about it!
Sequoia: Yeah, but that doesn't mean they don't want to go to Hogsmeade.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: There's still a joke shop there.
Kim: There's candy.
Sequoia: And candy. Exactly. [both laugh]
Kim: And a post office.
Sequoia: [laughs] They walked the high street of Hogsmeade for what had to be the seventh time. An icy wind ruffled their hair and made Hermione wish she had a scarf. “Come on, Hermione. Can we go back now?"
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: "We’ve been through every single store now and neither of them had any dresses.” [both laugh] Every single store. It's two. [laughing] Neither of them had any dresses.
Kim: Every single dress shaped thing has already been purchased.
Sequoia: Or the two stores are the joke shop [Kim laughs] and the candy store and they just don't sell dresses no matter how many times you walk through them. [both laugh]
Kim: [weakly] So funny! [both keep laughing]
Sequoia: "Please," Harry's lips were blue with the cold.
Kim: What the fuck? [laughs]
Sequoia: Harry’s like, I'm literally freezing to death.
Kim: Go the fuck inside! Go… go the fuck inside!
Sequoia: “Oh, Harry, just one more round, please.”
Kim: They're not going to… [laughs]
Sequoia: No matter how many times you walk through the candy store, it is not going to sell dresses. I'm say… telling you. [both laugh] Just believe.
Kim: These children, Sequoia, are killing me. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughs] “Fine, take another round. We, on the other hand, are going to the three broomsticks, okay?”
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Hermione sighed, but agreed. It was getting dark, and the shop…
Kim: Did she… Ginny find something?
Sequoia: Ginny’s gone. No, she's there. She just…
Kim: She's going to go to the Three Broomsticks with Ron and Harry. She found something.
Sequoia: I feel like she maybe was just there also for the candy shop and the joke shop.
Kim: Oh, okay. We need to go to Hogsmeade. I'm going to buy candy and jokes!
Sequoia: I'm to going to go… yeah.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: If we need to go to Hogsmeade, even I found a dress on the first day.
Kim: Yeah, that’s true, that’s true.
Sequoia: Yeah, going every day. Hermione sighed but agreed. It was getting dark and the shop owners were lighting their lights. She surveyed the street once again. There had to be a shop that stocked costumes.
Kim: There doesn’t…
Sequoia: There had to be.
Kim: There doesn't have to be.
Sequoia: There had to be!
Kim: Okay. [both laugh] Say that, but there doesn’t.
Sequoia: And at that moment, she saw the small shop located in the far end of the street.
Kim: It only appears if you're truly desperate for a costume.
Sequoia: [laughs] Didn't the sign read “Carnival for All?” Is it carnival specific shop?
Kim: Seriously? Seriously?
Sequoia: Specific.
Kim: This is a pop up. This is a pop up store, run by… by Blaise? [Sequoia laughs] By Flitwick?
Sequoia: [laughs] Blaise skipped directly from sewing costumes in their dormitory at Hogwarts and was like, no, that's not good enough for me. I charge a thousand galleons per dress and [both laugh] this is my shop. Hermione’s senses had a field day when she entered the shop. There were colors everywhere, soft music coming from a radio, and heavy scents coming from the fireplace. Next to the entrance there was a big ancient mirror made in willow.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: She looked around, astounded. How come she hadn't noticed this shop before?
Kim: You weren't truly desperate before.
Sequoia: Yeah, you had… you have to say…
Kim: It's like the Room of Requirement.
Sequoia: Yeah. You have to say, there had to be, at least three times before the shop will appear.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: It's all about the repetition.
Kim: It's about the desperation, actually. [Sequoia laughs] It's a marketing tactic.
Sequoia: There is… there is desperation in repetition.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: “Can I help you, dear?” Hermione turned and looked straight into a pair of brilliant purple eyes. They belonged to an exotic looking woman with hair as purple as her eyes.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Ye… yes. I need a costume,” Hermione stuttered, taken aback by the strange look in the woman's eyes.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: "Ah. The carnival at Hogwarts, I've heard about it."
Kim: [laughs] I'm here just for that, literally.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah! Oh, I just heard through the grapevine.
Kim: I’ve heard about this.
Sequoia: Possibly…
Kim: I’ve not had every single student from Hogwarts rumbling through my store all week.
Sequoia: In fact, she has not. Only one. [Kim laughs] “A young gentleman visited me earlier this week.”
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: "Who’s very excited about it."
Kim: She's had… this is the second…
Sequoia: This is second Hogwarts student.
Kim: This might just be the second person that was desperate enough to get the shop to appear. [laughs]
Sequoia: That’s true. [laughs] Everybody else… okay. You know what? Hold for the text, because you will see how little everybody else gave a fuck. [laughs]
Kim: No!
Sequoia: [still laughing] We'll get there!
Kim: Oh, my gosh, I'm so excited! [Sequoia laughs] I didn't think we were going to get more than Hermione’s outfit description and maybe Draco's.
Sequoia: Dude, I told you, this is a whole story. It ends! “A young gentleman visited me earlier this week, excited about it.” The woman started searching the room, not waiting for Hermione to tell her what she was looking for.
Kim: The carnival costume chooses the wizard! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my god!
Kim: Sequoia.
Sequoia: “Ah, here we are, dear,” she said, handing Hermione a beautiful scarlet gown with golden embroiderings. It seemed to be enchanted because it was glittering all over.
Kim: Awesome.
Sequoia: And it didn't wrinkle. [both laugh]
Kim: Damn!
Sequoia: This dress is incredible.
Kim: That's awesome!
Sequoia: This dress is actually incredible.
Kim: Whoo. Why are all of their clothes not enchanted to not wrinkle? Maybe they are.
Sequoia: That’s a great question.
Kim: Maybe they are. We never heard that… you know what? I have no memories of anything. [Sequoia laughs] I was going to say something and I… no memories.
Sequoia: You can take it all back. Hermione slipped the beautiful dress…
Kim: Sequoia, this dress is scarlet and gold?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: If Draco shows up fucking wearing green and silver, I may die.
Sequoia: [laughing] Who know… who knows?
Kim: And Hermione’s like, I don't know who this handsome stranger is. [laughs]
Sequoia: Who knows, man? Who knows what’s going to happen? I don't know. [laughs]
Kim: So excited for that to happen.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh my god! Hermione slipped the beautiful dress on over her school robes and looked into the mirror.
Kim: Why? Weird.
Sequoia: I don’t know. That’s going to look weird.
Kim: She was wearing like… it was fucking freezing outside.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: She’s wearing like a parka and it’s like, she slipped the dress on over the parka!
Sequoia: Over her parka, and she's like, wow, I look great. [Kim laughs] Her reflection smiled back at her. “Ah, my dear, you look lovely.” The woman exclaimed. “Now, your hair.” This is not…
Kim: No, don’t do this.
Sequoia: This is not hairstyling experience.
Kim: Please don't.
Sequoia: This is just a dress shop.
Kim: Please do not do this thing.
Sequoia: [laughs] She swished her wand. Hermione’s bushy hair softened, and fell into soft ringlets down her shoulders. The dance is not tonight! Or is it tonight?
Kim: It might be tonight.
Sequoia: It might be tonight. “Oh my god.” “Not god, darling. Just a little magic. Here."
Kim: We've got like a… oh, my god.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Sequoia, this is…
Sequoia: She's fairy godmotherish.
Kim: …fairy godmother, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: For sure. For sure. [both laugh] “Here, your mask.” The mask was made of silk, yet it was firm and solid. Around the eyes of the mask, there were painted phoenix wings.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: They too in scarlet and gold.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: There were holes for the eyes and lips. The face features were incredibly like Hermione’s own features. [Kim laughs] She's wearing a mask that just looks like her, except that you can see her eyes and her lips through in. It's a whole face mask. It's a whole face mask.
Kim: [laughs] [shrieks] That’s so terrifying!
Sequoia: And you can see her lips and her eyes and it looks just like her. Why?
Kim: What’s the point?
Sequoia: [laughs] Why? Why is this happening?
Kim: What’s the point of this?
Sequoia: The point of it is that so she can look exactly like herself and yet still be unrecognisable. [laughs]
Kim: It's not how anything works! [shrieks]
Sequoia: “Yes, just like I thought, the Juliet suits you perfectly.”
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Yeah. Yes.
Kim: I sold the Romeo earlier this week! [both laugh] Sequoia, you have to release me. [Sequoia laughs] I can already see the exact shape of the rest of the story, and it's killing me.
Sequoia: [laughs] Isn't it so good though? Look at it!
Kim: Ahhhh. Jessica. [Sequoia laughs] Jessica. What have you wrought?
Sequoia: [laughs] Whoo! “How much will it be?” Hermione turned to the woman. “Let me see. A costume and a little extra. That'll be ten galleons.” [both laugh]
Kim: Whoo! [singing] My wand only…
Both: [singing] …cost seven galleons! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Nice. Now I get to put that on playlist.
Kim: One of the best songs.
Sequoia: Very good.
Kim: Hey, we got a request for more wizard rock, there it is.
Sequoia: We did. There it is.
Kim: Got one.
Sequoia: [laughs] As Hermione was on her way out of the shop, the woman called her back. “Young Juliet.” [Kim shouts] Hermione… [laughs] What was that noise? [laughs] What was that? What was that? [laughs]
Kim: That was so not okay. [both laugh] You're killing me. That was sobbing mixed with, I don’t know, probably the soul coming out. [both laugh helplessly and lengthily]
Sequoia: [laughs] Whoo! [laughs] Oh no, Kim’s crying. That’s a full tear. That's a full tear. That is a full tear!
Kim: Juliet! Juliet, it’s masquerade ball. [both keep laughing uncontrollably]
Sequoia: Oh, my god. Okay, okay. Are you going to be okay?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Okay. That's fine.
Kim: I will keep crying the rest of this episode.
Sequoia: Hermione turned. “The young gentleman, he bought the Romeo suit.”
Kim: [shouting] Fuck!
Sequoia: “Maybe you will find love at the carnival.”
Kim: Fuck right off!
Sequoia: Ooh.
Kim: Fuck right off. [Sequoia laughs] Fuck right off. I need you to fuck! Right! Off!
Sequoia: [laughing uncontrollably] Oh my god!
Kim: Romeo.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: Argh. Hermione and Draco are not Romeo and Juliet!
Sequoia: But they are.
Kim: [weakly] No.
Sequoia: But they are.
Kim: Anything but this.
Sequoia: But they are.
Kim: Anything but this.
Sequoia: [laughs] The next night, Hermione was one of the last ones to go down to the Great Hall.
Kim: It’s… it wasn't even the night of the ball, Sequoia!
Sequoia: No, it was the next night. But the lady did her hair for her, so I hope that she didn't sleep on it weird. [both laugh]
Kim: [slightly hoarsely] Also, if her hair looked like that all day, that's going to give away the surprise!
Sequoia: It is going to give away the surprise. Maybe she wore a hat. Maybe it was a Saturday. She just stayed in the dormitory all day long. Hermione was one of the last ones to go down to the Great Hall as she didn't want anybody to see her costume. When she looked in the mirror, the gown seemed even more beautiful than when she bought it. Probably because you're putting it on not over a parka. [both laugh] She put on the mask. “Time to go.”
Kim: Do you think it looks exactly like her face because masks are actually just, like, really creepy looking?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, I don't know. The Great Hall was especially beautiful this evening. It wasn't just the decorations, but also the atmosphere.
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: Everywhere there were people in pretty costumes, all so different from their ordinary black robes.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Dumbledore stood up. “Now, I declare this carnival open.”
Kim: It wasn’t… okay.
Sequoia: No. They had to wait for Hermione to get there. [laughs]
Kim: She came down late, too.
Sequoia: Yeah, and they were like, where the fuck is she? It’s… we can't open the carnival without Hermione. [Kim laughs] “So let's get some music.” He clapped his hands and out of nowhere, a quartet of ghosts led by Professor Binns appeared, playing a minuet.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: “Now, girls on one side of the hall…”
Kim: No.
Sequoia: “…and boys on the other.”
Kim: Noooo!
Sequoia: “Come on.”
Kim: Sequoia, you're going to kill me again.
Sequoia: Come on.
Kim: You're going to kill me again!
Sequoia: What? Girls on one side of the room and boys on the other [muttering] and they’re all gonna line up and…
Kim: Are they all going to line up across the gym and do a square dance? [Sequoia laughs] [shouting] And then my soul will leave my body! [Sequoia still laughing] Not a square dance. What the fuck was it? It was the cha-cha, was what they said we were doing.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: How about you? What did you do?
Sequoia: None. None.
Kim: You didn’t have to do that?
Sequoia: I didn’t have to do this.
Kim: You didn’t have to do that in junior high?
Sequoia: I did not have to do that.
Kim: In gym class?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: How did you miss that?!
Sequoia: [laughs] Sorry. I didn’t have to do that.
Kim: It was the worst, wildest thing. [sighs]
Sequoia: [laughs] They are making them do that thing, sort of.
Kim: Girls on one side…
Both: …boys on the other.
Kim: And then you stand by the bleachers with your friends the entire dance.
Sequoia: [laughs] Nope.
Kim: No?
Sequoia: Hermione hurried over to the far end of the hall, not really knowing what to do, and found herself between Morgana the Sorceress, and Tinkerbell from Peter Pan. [Kim laughs] “Now, all do as Professors Lupin and Sinistra. Come on.”
Kim: Lupin’s there?
Sequoia: Lupin’s there. And it's fine, he's teaching again. Don't worry about it.
Kim: [laughs] I g… uh…
Sequoia: Don't worry about it. He's there. It's fine.
Kim: Whaaat? You know what? That’s way easier than making up a new professor.
Sequoia: It is, it really is. Following the teachers’ example, Hermione and the other girls started walking towards the middle of the hall.
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: The boys the same.
Kim: Oh my god.
Sequoia: They met in the middle.
Kim: Oh my…
Sequoia: And the dance began.
Kim: …god. You're literally killing me.
Sequoia: [laughs] Hermione looked at the boy she was dancing with.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: He was wearing an old fashioned Italian costume in green and silver.
Kim: [groans] Sequoia!
Sequoia: Ahhhhhh! [laughs]
Kim: Argh.
Sequoia: [laughs] Mhm. Okay. Also, he had a green hat.
Kim: This is not how this is supposed to go. They're supposed to spot each other from across the crowded ballroom.
Sequoia: I know.
Kim: And then their eyes are supposed to meet and they're supposed to be magnetically drawn towards each other. And then they meet in the middle and they share a beautiful dance. And then at midnight, they kiss.
Sequoia: No, all the girls line up on one side and all… [laughs]
Kim: And the masks come off, and they go, oh, no, it's Draco! And then they run.
Sequoia: And then the boys line up on the other side.
Kim: One of them runs away and the other one is like, no, wait!
Sequoia: And then they had to walk towards each other. And they just happen to be sort of lined up in the same direct line towards each other.
Kim: Oh my god, is this author twelve and this is the only dance experience they had?
Sequoia: Yes. Yes.
Kim: Was that hellscape from gym class that I was talking about?
Sequoia: Yes. Absolutely.
Kim: I think they made us line up by height.
Sequoia: [laughs] Incredible. In contrary to her mask, which had phoenix feathers on it, his mask had snakes around the eyes. [pause] Uh huh? [Kim groans] Uh huh. There's some wild gesticulation happening here in the studio. His eyes were silvery gray, not cold but warm.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Are you ready for this?
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Are you ready for this? “What house are you in?” [laughs]
Kim: Hermione Jean Jane Minerva Artemis Serena…
Sequoia: Serena! Serenity! [continues to laugh wildly]
Kim: …Serenity Crystal Granger! [Sequoia still laughing] Excuse me!
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: Go to your room!
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh my god. “What house are you in?” she asked, surprised to find her voice different than usual. Her mask seemed to be altering it. Was a magic mask, so they sounded really…
Kim: Yeah, great.
Sequoia: He answered, his voice serious. “Tonight, there…" Let me try something. [in a deep voice] “Tonight, there are no houses.”
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: “Tonight, there is only music…”
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: “…dance, and the new moon.”
Kim: Whoo! Hermione has been fucking wild this whole story? Who the fuck is Draco?
Sequoia: [laughs] [in a deep voice] There is only music, dance, and the new moon.
Kim: This isn’t Draco. This is Blaise.
Sequoia: [laughs] No, it's definitely Draco.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Hermione didn't know what to reply.
Kim: That was dramatic. So, so dramatic. [laughs]
Sequoia: “That w… was deep.”
Kim: Nope!
Sequoia: Was all she could stutter. [both laugh] When it was time to change dance partners [struggling not to laugh] he kissed her hand. “Till we meet again, Juliet.” [quietly] I cut… I gotta cut… I cut… I cut… I cut… I cut… I cut…
Kim: Why? I don't want to lose any of this.
Sequoia: It’s got so much of this…
Kim: I don’t wanna lose… it's going to be two… just make it two episodes. I want all of it.
Sequoia: Here's the thing. It’s just not enough for two. We know what's going to happen.
Kim: Yeah, that's true.
Sequoia: [muffled] All of this can go.
Kim: [sighs] You're killing me. Can you at least tell me what happens? [pause] What are you cutting? Sequoia?
Sequoia: What am I cutting? Okay. What I'm cutting is that Hermione sits down and talks to Lupin.
Kim: Why is Lupin there?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: Does he say why he's there?
Sequoia: I don't know, app… but appara… he doesn't say why he's there, but he does know the lady who runs the costume shop for some reason.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And then we find out that Angelina and Fred are dressed up for Hallowe'en as Harry and Hermione.
Kim: WHAT?!
Sequoia: And they are making out a lot. [Kim laughs] In… [laughs] with the intention of making other people think that Harry and Hermione are making out.
Kim: WHAT?!
Sequoia: Also, Ginny’s dressed as Lily Potter. And Harry’s dressed as his dad.
Kim: NO!
Sequoia: Okay, wait. [laughs]
Kim: Excuse me. That was all so fucking buck wild…
Sequoia: I’m so sorry!
Kim: …and you trimmed it down, you criminal?!
Sequoia: I'm so sorry.
Kim: No. [Sequoia laughs] I won’t let you trim that! What the fuck? This episode is going to be three hours long. READ ME THAT SECTION!
Sequoia: [laughs] Fine, okay. Fine. Okay. Hermione sat down at one of the tables, next to what sounded like Angelina and Fred. They sat with their faces away from her, so she wasn't sure, when the boy dressed as Harry left for drinks.
Kim: How…?
Sequoia: Hermione leaned over…
Kim: How are they just dressed as… how is he dressed is Harry? Is he… what does that MEAN?
Sequoia: He's got a Harry Potter mask on, probably.
Kim: [wailing] Oh my god!
Sequoia: With a little scar on it. [Kim laughs] “Angelina?” The girl didn't turn, but answered. “Lavender?” Hermione gave a shudder. “No.”
Kim: Don't… don’t be rude to… oh my god.
Sequoia: “Hermione.” “Hermione? Your costume is beautiful.” “Thanks,” Hermione muttered and looked at Angelina's mask. Her own face smiled back. [Kim laughs] Angelina seemed to notice what Hermione was staring at.
Kim: Angelina, what the fuck are you doing? [Sequoia laughs] She did… she literally didn't expect Hermione to be there.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Because Hermione had been pooh poohing the dance all week.
Sequoia: Yeah, Hermione’s been like, I don’t give a shit! “Oh. Hermione. I am…”
Kim: Duh. It's not… it’s totally not fucking bizarre that I'm wearing YOUR face…
Sequoia: Right!
Kim: …on top of MY FACE.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: That's not weird at all.
Sequoia: [laughs] “Oh. Uh, I'm… it was Fred. He thought it would be funny to, you know, dress like you two and make out so that everybody would think you and Harry, and now…”
Kim: That Hermione and Harry had come to the dance…
Both: …dressed as themselves.
Kim: Against the rules of the dance.
Sequoia: To make out. That is against the rules of the dance.
Kim: [chuckles] That is not a prank. Well, I guess it's a prank.
Sequoia: “I can change.” [both laugh] “I can change!”
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: “No, keep it on.”
Kim: What? [both laugh]
Sequoia: “That's not the weirdest thing I've seen today.”
Kim: It's NOT?!
Sequoia: “Oh?” Hermione pointed towards a girl in a green dress and green contacts on the far end of the room. “Is that Ginny Weasley dressed up as Lily Potter?” [both laugh] “Don't tell me she's trying to hit on Harry dressed like that?”
Kim: Okay, at least they know it's fucking weird!
Sequoia: [laughs] Gross.
Kim: Who said that? Was that Angelina or…
Sequoia: That was Angelina.
Kim: Angelina is like, what the fuck?
Sequoia: Come on, man. Come on, man.
Kim: Don’t do that. Come on.
Sequoia: Yeah, what I'm doing seems normal now! [both laugh] What I’m doing seems like a fun prank! [both keep laughing]
Kim: No, we do need to circle back to what you're doing though, Angelina, because that is buck wild.
Sequoia: No, that’s the…
Kim: But Ginny is…
Sequoia: We're done talking to Angelina now.
Kim: Oh, bye, Angelina. What the fuck is Ginny doing?
Sequoia: [laughs] We don’t… we’re not gonna… we’re not gonna come back to that.
Kim: Okay, bye. [Sequoia laughs] Bye, Angelina, I guess…
Sequoia: Bye, Angelina.
Kim: …continue that thing you were doing.
Sequoia: Keep on keepin' on, my dude. [both laugh] After her short break, Hermione got back on the dance floor. She spotted many of her friends and was astounded by how little they had cared about finding costumes. [Kim laughs] Dean was dressed up as a Muggle soccer player.
Kim: Nice. That was just in his trunk.
Sequoia: He had that.
Kim: He just had that.
Sequoia: He just had that.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Ron as an ordinary Muggle. He's just wearing clothes.
Kim: He's just wearing clothes. He’s just… he's just wea… he’s just wearing jeans and a sweater.
Sequoia: But Harry's costume had to be the worst one yet. All he'd done was put in a pair of brown contact lenses and carried a quaffle under his arm. It was obvious to Hermione that he was… to Hermione who he tried to look like. His father.
Kim: Harry?
Sequoia: Harry is dressed as his dad…
Kim: Harry!
Sequoia: …to the carnival Hallowe'en masquerade ball.
Kim: Harry. Harry, honey. Honey, Harry, honey, no.
Sequoia: To everyone else, it looked like he was just too lazy to get a costume. And Neville had grown a pair of vampire fangs. [laughs] Neville’s like, I’m Neville but a vampire! [both laugh] Honestly, this crew looks incredible.
Kim: [laughing] They’ve just…
Sequoia: [laughing] They are smashing it at the masquerade ball.
Kim: What?! No. No, no, no. Harry dresses as his dad! And she’s dressed as his mom…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [weakly] …and that’s not okay.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: I'm not okay with this.
Sequoia: Uh huh. Says the person who read to me In More Ways Than One
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: With their human mouth.
Kim: Yeah. I did do that.
Sequoia: Okay. Sure. Sure. [both laugh]
Kim: And she was a…
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: Why is Harry dressed as his dad?
Sequoia: I mean, it is disturbing. But I… but I do think my favorite is that Neville is just Neville but a vampire. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. Like Dean, Ron and Neville are just killing it.
Sequoia: Just slaying it at the ball.
Kim: At the ball!
Sequoia: Yes. Get. It!
Kim: They don't appear to be wearing masks. They did not change their appearance. [both laugh] Neville just has fangs!
Sequoia: They definitely are not within the rules. Not within the rules.
Kim: [laughing] No! And Hermione and Draco went all out.
Sequoia: All out. And it only cost ‘em ten galleons.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: So you could have. You could have.
Kim: Nobody else was desperate enough, though. They were all like, I'll just wear whatever's in my trunk.
Sequoia: I’ll just grow some fangs. Whatever. I'm a vampire, eh.
Kim: I'm Ron. I'm just going to wear what I wear on the weekend.
Sequoia: [laughs] I'm a Muggle, eh.
Kim: Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Sequoia: The hours passed like seconds, and in no time it was time for the last dance. “May I have this last one, fair lady?”
Kim: Draco, where have you been? He was just…
Sequoia: Dancing with other people.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Doing some other stuff.
Kim: Oh. Bullying Harry.
Sequoia: Bullying Harry. Harry’s like, oh, who's this guy dressed in all green with a snake mask?
Kim: He won't stop…
Sequoia: He won’t stop bullying…
Kim: …talking about my dad’s dead! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Hermione turned and looked into a pair of familiar silvery eyes. The boy was bowing, his hand outstretched. “Of course, my Lord.” She took his hand and he kissed it before straightening up. This is, like, the most wild way to follow up. Neville grew some fangs and… [laughs]
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And Harry’s there as his dad!
Kim: That… that section that just happened [Sequoia chokes] was so outside of where this fanfiction had been up to that point [Sequoia shrieks with laughter] and where we're circling back to.
Sequoia: Uh huh! [both laugh] Oooh. Ooph.
Kim: [laughs] You almost cut it.
Sequoia: I know, I'm so sorry.
Kim: I'm mad at you.
Sequoia: As soon as I started summarizing it to you, I was like, wow, this is a fucking mistake. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I'm so sorry.
Kim: That’s a… that was… that was fucking beautiful. What the fuck? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Whoo. She took his hand and he kissed it before straightening up. “Now we dance.” And so they did. They danced for what had to be minutes, but felt like eternity. [Kim laughs] It was like everyone else disappeared, and only they were left dancing. She looked into his eyes and got lost in them. They were so special, so unique. She's never going to recognize them again, though. Those are the most unique eyes she's ever seen, and she undoubtedly will never recognize them again.
Kim: Oh my god. Are they not going to reveal themselves to each other, Sequoia?
Sequoia: No. [both laugh] And he was like no one she'd ever met.
Kim: Yes he waaaas!
Sequoia: You’ve met him like several times, my dude.
Kim: He's such a piece of shit.
Sequoia: [laughs] And then, when she had forgotten the world around her, her thoughts were interrupted by a loved, but at this moment not welcome, voice. “However much we all enjoy this, it's time to say goodnight and return to our houses.”
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Hermione and the boy stopped dancing. “I guess this is it, then.” The boy nodded.
Kim: [gasps] I guess we'll never see each other again!
Sequoia: Except all the time, every single day.
Kim: Every day I see you and you bully me.
Sequoia: And I will literally absolutely never recognize you ever again.
Kim: And you’re so rude to me every day. [both laugh]
Sequoia: The boy nodded, and then he did the one thing Hermione didn't expect him to do.
Kim: Uh huh?
Sequoia: He kissed her.
Kim: Uh huh!
Sequoia: Not a long nor intense kiss.
Kim: Aren’t they wearing full face masks?
Sequoia: Yeah, and… okay, hold for the text.
Kim: Shit.
Sequoia: But a small mild kiss on her cheek.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Which is a mask. That's on the mask.
Kim: Yeah, he kissed her on the mask.
Sequoia: She could feel it through the thin mask.
Kim: No, she could… what?
Sequoia: [laughs] He kissed her on her mask cheek and she could feel it. It was warm and soft.
Kim: Oh. Oh. Isn’t it a… it said earlier that the masks are rigid.
Sequoia: Yes, but it's silk. But it's rigid.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: So she can feel… it's fine.
Kim: Fine. It's a magic mask.
Sequoia: It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. [laughs] Then they broke apart and went separate ways.
Kim: [sighs] It didn’t… it didn't in the text confirm that it was midnight.
Sequoia: Yeah. The dance… it is the end of the dance. The dance is over, but…
Kim: But it could be like eight thirty.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] It could be like eight thirty, it could be three am.
Kim: Ideal… no, it's eight thirty.
Sequoia: No, it’s eight thirty? Okay, never mind.
Kim: Ideal time for a dance to end.
Sequoia: It’s eight thirty, and…
Kim: Honestly, you go upstairs…
Sequoia: Eight thirty pm.
Kim: …you… to take off your make up, in bed by nine pm.
Sequoia: Ooh, nice, solid. As the girl in the Juliet costume disappeared in the crowd, Draco slowly lowered his mask.
Kim: I'm glad we switched perspective or else we never would have guessed who that was.
Sequoia: Yeah, never. I mean, it was hard to tell, honestly. It was super hard. He wa… he wasn't displaying any signs. There was no outward appearance. Things that would have…
Kim: [laughs] No tells.
Sequoia: No tells.
Kim: He was not acting like Draco.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: I will give him that.
Sequoia: [deeply] The new moon. He'd never know who she was.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: And they would probably never talk again.
Kim: You're students at the same school. You're probably about the same age. Why the fuck would you think you're never going to see her?
Sequoia: Of course you're going to see her again, and of course you're going to talk to her again. You just don't know who she is because you're dumb.
Kim: What's wrong with you?
Sequoia: [laughs] But this one night, she had seen the real him…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …because only behind the mask could he show his real face.
Kim: Oh, fuck right off, Draco.
Sequoia: [laughs] And only when pretending he was someone else could he be himself.
Kim: Oh, that's… okay. You know what? That makes… that's justifying why he was being so fucking weird.
Sequoia: Yeah, he was pretending to be someone else.
Kim: It wasn't pretend… that… this is the real Draco.
Sequoia: No. Okay, right. He wasn't pretending to be someone else. He's pretending to be somebody else, but really the somebody else is actually him.
Kim: Yeah. And the real him.
Sequoia: And the real him really likes the moon phases. [laughs]
Kim: Really… really overly theatrical. And, okay.
Sequoia: Sure.
Kim: Sure, buddy.
Sequoia: For he was Draco Malfoy.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: The one person with two faces. The end. [Kim laughs] Do you like what I brought to you today?
Kim: Thank you, Jessica.
Sequoia: Thank you.
Kim: This was a great find.
Sequoia: Jessica, just fucking spot on.
Kim: Really good find.
Sequoia: Really excellent find.
Kim: I'm mad at you for almost cutting maybe the most buck wild part of the story.
Sequoia: [laughs] I was looking at time and I was like, oh, shit.
Kim: Who the fuck cares? The story is way more important than how long this episode is and the fact that it's probably like two hours long because I… wooo!
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, I'm sorry… I am sorry to everybody that I almost… that I almost cut that, but now we know. We all know what everybody went to the masquerade ball as, we all know that if you saw Harry and Hermione making out at the carnival…
Kim: No, you didn't.
Sequoia: …you didn't. That wasn't them, in fact, point of fact. [laughs]
Kim: I got two points.
Sequoia: You got two points, dude!
Kim: I wouldn't count that third one.
Sequoia: No, you did say midnight.
Kim: I was so fucking close though.
Sequoia: You were really close.
Kim: I mean it is practically like…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …the same structure of story that I was predicting.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: But it didn't confirm it. And they didn't kiss on the lips.
Sequoia: Yeah. So…
Kim: It was a mask kiss.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Would have been weird to kiss through the mask. I honestly expected them to take the masks off and kiss.
Sequoia: Take the masks off, right. Yeah, because you expect them to reveal them.
Kim: Or it would… actually, I expected it to be a half mask kiss and then you take the mask off and then, oh, no, I just kissed Draco! That's what I was expecting.
Sequoia: Ohhhh, yeah. Yeah.
Kim: That's more classic in my mind, I think.
Sequoia: Right. But no, this one ends still in mystery. They will never speak again.
Kim: Yeah. They will never speak again. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughs] Whoo! All right. Well…
Kim: Thank you so, so much. I'm glad we could finally cover a masquerade ball.
Sequoia: Right?!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It was necessary.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: That… that hit a lot. That hit a lot for me.
Kim: Oh, yeah.
Sequoia: I felt great.
Kim: I loved that. Perfect.
Sequoia: So good. And now it's time for a segment. It's a…
Both: [singing] …summary!
Kim: We're still working our way through those listener submitted summaries from our hundredth episode.
Sequoia: And we will continue to for many months!
Kim: Hope you like them because we certainly do.
Sequoia: We love them a lot.
Kim: Thank you for sending this one in. Let's get to it.
Listener: So I'm not sure if we're supposed to be tagging our summaries, but if I was to tag this, this would be tagged Accidental Baby Acquisition. This summary’s titled, I Guess I'm A Dad now? Percy and Oliver have been engaged for ten years and are nearing thirty seven. Molly really wants them to finally get married and have children. But with Oliver playing out the last years before retirement on the US Quidditch League, and Percy being Britain's representative at the MagWIS, the Magical Council of Wizards for International Syndication in New York, they've been quite busy. Now they are back in England for the first time in three years for George and Angelina’s wedding. Walking into the Burrow’s kitchen the day before the wedding, they get handed a baby. And after a few minutes of joyful playing, Percy wonders, “Whose baby actually is this? Maybe it's Charlie's youngest, our own son?” And, “Oh, wait. Didn't Percy also see Neville and Luna coming in? Have they had kids?” Percy embarks on a mission to figure out whose baby they are holding, but will they make it before the baby starts to cry? And maybe along the way, they'll realize that it's time for parenthood after all.
Kim: And now it's time for…
Both: …the rec zone! Pew pew pew pew pewwww!
Kim: What do you have for us today, Sequoia?
Sequoia: I have one for you that actually sat on my list for a super long time as something to read on the podcast.
Kim: Oh, you revisited it?
Sequoia: Yeah. And it's from like the… 2017 maybe, from my list, like from the very beginning.
Kim: Oh, you had this a long time ago. Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah. And when I went back to it, I was like, this is not the vibe.
Kim: Hmmm.
Sequoia: It feels like something I put on the list to read on the podcast before we understood what the podcast was. And then I reread it and I was like, no, this is great.
Kim: Mhm. Mhm [both laugh]
Sequoia: I think I chose it to read on the podcast for the pairing, which is Cho/Luna.
Kim: Ooooh.
Sequoia: But it's actually pretty good.
Kim: Nice! What’s it called.
Sequoia: It's called Riddikulus, and a link to that is in the description of this episode.
Kim: A link is also on our website.
Sequoia: Fanaticalfics.com.
Kim: Also on our website, story submission form.
Sequoia: Keep 'em coming. Keep 'em coming, y’all.
Kim: So good. So good. Y'all really good at finding stuff.
Sequoia: Yeah, I've got a whole bunch of stuff pulled off of the listener submission list right now. This one felt necessary because we're so close to Hallowe'en right now.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: And it was a little Hallowe’en.
Kim: We're a little bit before, and as of this episode dropping…
Sequoia: As of this episode, little bit after. Yep. [both laugh] So it felt necessary for now, but I've got a whole bunch of stuff pulled off there. So keep sending it in.
Kim: Yessss.
Sequoia: Also on our website, you can find our merch. There's a link to our TeePublic where you can get some…
Kim: Stuff.
Sequoia: …Dramione, Dron, Drinny.
Kim: Ooh, yeah. Talk about your Dromances.
Sequoia: Drarry. Yeah, exactly. Got to get that.
Kim: Display your love for Dromance. [both laugh]
Sequoia: You can also find on our website bookmarks and Yes!! Glitter!!!
Kim: If you want to draw those Gryffindor boys'...
Sequoia: That’s exactly what I was going to say. [laughs]
Kim: …excellent costumes and send it to us, you can do that through social media. You can find us on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter @FanaticalFics.
Sequoia: If you want to tell us all about the masquerade ball fanfic that you inevitably wrote.
Kim: The B plot.
Sequoia: The B plot, yeah. [laughs] If you'd like to add to the B plot, actually, please do email us. Our email address is fanaticalfics@gmail.com. You can send in your OCs, your hold for the end pleases, and all manner of things.
Kim: And, you know, a B plot to this would count as a hold for the end.
Sequoia: It would.
Kim: So something to think about.
Sequoia: Think about!
Kim: If you like this podcast and you want to help us out there, there are a number of ways you can do that. Way number one, drop us a review on Apple Podcasts or anywhere that will accept a review.
Sequoia: Way number two, you just tell everybody.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Tell everyone.
Kim: About…
Sequoia: About…
Kim: …Neville’s incredible costume.
Sequoia: Neville’s just… oh wow. About the whole crew. The whole crew, they rolled in.
Kim: Those boys.
Sequoia: They rolled in fabulous.
Kim: [laughs] Way number three, you can join us on Patreon.
Sequoia: We've said a lot about it lately. You know what it is. [laughs]
Kim: Yep. Yep. We dropped several plugs in this here episode.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I don't know if there were plugs. They were definitely references to our incredible bonus episodes that we drop there every month. Our patrons let us keep doing this fun, fun shit, and we are ever so grateful to them.
Sequoia: We are also grateful to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their song Wolfstar as our theme song.
Kim: You can find all their stuff on thewhompingwillows.bandcamp.com.
Both: Byeeee!