Episode 112: Early Morning Music (Part 1)
Recommendation: Twins
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3101366/1/Twins
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Sequoia: Hello, listeners, this is Sequoia from outside of space and time. I just wanted to let you know real quick that this has some, eh, hm, explicit content. So if you don't want to hear the, yhm, explicit content, maybe you could skip this one. Thanks! Bye!
[pause]
Sequoia: I'm ready. Are you ready?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Ok. That's fine.
Kim: [singing quietly] I need a fanfic... [stops singing] That's all my brain's giving me right now.
Both: [singing for the tune of Holding out for a Hero by Bonnie Tyler] Holding out for a fanfic till end of the night!
Kim: [continues singing] And it's gotta be smut, and it's... just really gotta be smut, [Sequoia laughs] and that's... really my only criteria. I need a fanfic!
Sequoia: [laughs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone!
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: A Harry Potter fanfiction podcast.
Sequoia: About the giant squid.
Kim: This month. And maybe... and maybe…? A little in the next month?
Sequoia: And, you know what? Possibly into next month. Listen. Something happened.
Kim: What happened?
Sequoia: We got sent something in the submission form... Okay. Let me preface this.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: I did a thing. I went into the story submission form. I opened up...
Kim: You did, like, the most ill-advised thing you possibly could have done.
Sequoia: [laughs] I opened up every single piece of squid content that's ever been sent to us.
Kim: Yeah, regardless of which of us it had been sent to.
Sequoia: Regardless... Yes.
Kim: Which... which is where the danger comes in.
Sequoia: That is, yes, exactly.
Kim: Sequoia, I don't know that we've talked about this on the podcast, but the list of story submissions that we get sent to you versus sent to me...
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: …are wildly different lists.
Sequoia: Absolutely.
Kim: I realized this a long time ago, actually, when you mentioned being able to go to your listener submission list and just like find something in there that was useful for the podcast immediately.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: And I was like... You can do that? [Sequoia laughs] Because my list, I can read like five of them before my, like, my opinion of humanity has crashed so low, and I'm so disgusted with everything that I need to just, like, go outside and touch grass for a while.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah! Um...
Kim: So, you, not only entering my portion of the list, but entering possibly the worst quadrant of it, the squid related quadrant...
Sequoia: Yeah. Your squid related quadrant.
Kim: If you had approached me before you did this, I would have told you not to.
Sequoia: But then I wouldn't have found this.
Kim: [resigned] Okay...
Sequoia: This is a... I... I got to squid stuff sent to you, that you hadn't gotten to yet.
Kim: Mhm. Yeah.
Sequoia: And therefore was able to find this fanfiction. However, first, I did read a bunch of stuff that made me want to vomit out all of my internal organs.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah, bud. [Sequoia laughs] Yeah, bud. My portion of the submission list... Look, I love you all very much, listeners. You send me... some stuff.
Sequoia: Yeah, so...
Kim: I ask for it, I have specifically cultivated an aura and ask for it. [Sequoia laughs] Not saying "stop".
Sequoia: Right. [Kim laughs] Right. I just won't venture there again.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: I mean, sometimes that stuff makes it to my list, but... not very often.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Not very often at all.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So, you know, that's where we're at, I found this, it's a listener submission, from doing that thing, opening up every single squid content sent to us. Um...
Kim: Mhm. [laughing] We are very rapidly running out of squid content.
Sequoia: We are very... Which is why today I will be reading something written in 2010. [Kim splutters] Going outside of time period on this one, but sort of because it was necessary...
Kim: Uh-huh.
Sequoia: To continue in the vein of Squid Month.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But that's getting ahead of ourselves!
Kim: Sure. We're well ahead of ourselves. We have to circle back!
Sequoia: We gotta go back, we have to go back. First, we have two announcements, we'll just do them really quick.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: First thing... Uh, well this is Squid Month and we forgot to mention it last time.
Kim: Happy Squid... well, we didn't forget, it was a surprise.
Sequoia: It was a surprise.
Kim: It was an attack.
Sequoia: Right. It was an attack.
Kim: It was an ambush. [Sequoia laughs] That's the word.
Sequoia: I got attacked with Squid Month.
Kim: Aha!
Sequoia: And so we didn't say at the top, hey, we have squid merch.
Kim: If you wanna celebrate Squid Month in style.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: We've got some lovely squid merch on TeePublic designed by the lovely Isabel.
Sequoia: Yes, it is, we have both a Squid Biologist and Not a Squid Biologist version of the design, so that you may choose whether you are a squid biologist or not.
Kim: To represent yourself...
Sequoia: Aha.
Kim: More fully.
Sequoia: Yes. So that's available on TeePublic, I'll link it in the description. It's also on our website, XYZ, but also!
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: The listener survey is closed.
Kim: Sure. You didn't just close it 10 minutes ago when you went, "oh no, it's still open!".
Sequoia: I meant to, but now I'm thinking that I still didn't.
Kim: But you did...
Sequoia: [laughs]
Kim: It's [emphasis] probably closed...
Sequoia: It's probably closed.
Kim: As of this episode dropping. [Sequoia laughs] [mumbled] Idunno.
Sequoia: The main thing I want to hit here is that we do have a winner. As far as how many people are in what houses.
Kim: Oh, okay. [laughs] I was like, I was thinking through the other, the, the questions on there, and I was like, we have a winner... as of "soul"?
Sequoia: [laughs] No, we just, I just wanted to say that we do have a majority Ravenclaw listeners.
Kim: That... [long pause] Does not surprise me.
Sequoia: It doesn't?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: It surprised me a little bit, but... I don't know.
Kim: No, it doesn't surprise me.
Sequoia: Anyway, the Ravenclaws have won a contest that was not a contest, that we did not announce, so...
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Just wanted to tell you that! Right here, up at the top, after we screamed a little bit.
Kim: Uh-huh. [sighs]
Sequoia: [sighs] Erm, listen. I'm just really excited to get into this with you.
Kim: Yeah, man!
Sequoia: So...
Kim: You, uh, you announced how many words this was, so we could try, when we were trying to prep, and I was like, that's gonna be two episodes, and you were like, in that case then, I'm going to read the whole thing instead of my edited down version.
Sequoia: Yeah, I could only...
Kim: So...
Sequoia: I could only edit it down so much, and it still wasn't edited down enough. So we're just going to have two episodes.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So Squid Month is just gonna go for a month and a half instead. Do not, do not expect this to happen again in the future. I would like to...
Kim: We're not kidding about running out of material.
Sequoia: ...reiterate. [laughs]
Kim: If Sequoia truly read everything in our list, we may be out of material.
Sequoia: Do not!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: I don't wanna be held to any impossible standards. [Kim snorts] Like another month and a half long Squid Month next year.
Kim: Extremely unlikely.
Sequoia: Or closing the listener survey at any particular time.
Both: [laugh]
Kim: We had such a disaster in our last recording, like, [panicked] "oh, uh, we agree to keep it, oh no, it's clo-, it's due", and then you just never hit the button. [Sequoia laughs] God, damn.
Sequoia: Listen. I have struggles. I have a lot of them. [Kim sighs] All right! Should we get into it?
Kim: I think we probably need to, considering the length of the fic.
Sequoia: Yes. Let's do it. So, uh, this fanfiction, we'd like you all to make some predictions. Obviously, we're already all on the same page, this is Squid Month. There will be squids involved. This fanfiction was sent to us by a listener. An all-star, if you will.
Kim: Aha.
Sequoia: This story comes to us from... Kaaate! [airhorn noises] Pew pew pew pew pew!
Kim: Pew pew pew pew!
Sequoia: So it is called...
Kim: This came for me? From Kate.
Sequoia: That came, it came for you, from Kate.
Kim: This is a danger zone. [Sequoia laughs] I feel unsafe.
Sequoia: Here we go.
Kim: Give me the clues.
Sequoia: Here are your clues!
Kim: So that we can all make our predictions.
Sequoia: Make three predictions, send them to us, tweet them at us, #fanficdivination. Answer our question on our Instagram story or shout them into the void, here we go. The title is Early Morning Music.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: The genre... Okay, this is...
Kim: I, if this wasn't Squid Month, I would not guess that this had anything to do with the squid already.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah.
Kim: No way.
Sequoia: Um, this doesn't have genre tags, cause it's an AO3 fanfiction.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So I'm gonna make up some genre tags. I'm gonna go with, um, romance...
Kim: [disappointed] Romance.
Sequoia: I think I'm just gonna go with romance.
Kim: Oh, nooo.
Sequoia: Yeah. I think it's just romance. Sorry, my dude.
Kim: Nooo.
Sequoia: [laughs] And then, it did come out in 2010.
Kim: In 2010.
Sequoia: So it is quite past...
Kim: Yeah. Thinking too much about the squid part. [Sequoia laughs] [whispering as if talking to herself] How is the squid gonna fit into this for romance, fuck. [snorts] [loudly again] Somebody is playing a musical instrument for the squid.
Sequoia: Cool. Like it. Good.
Kim: Serenading the squid.
Sequoia: Nice. That's good one.
Kim: I'm gonna guess that there's gonna be a plot element where there's, like, a mistaken identity?
Sequoia: Ooh, okay!
Kim: In this?
Sequoia: Good.
Kim: I'm gonna shoot my shot for the pairing, this is a Drarry.
Sequoia: Nice! All right, great! Great-great-great, excellent-excellent-excellent! [Kim sighs] I am gonna preface before I start the story.
Kim: Uh-huh.
Sequoia: I am going to skip over and summarize a portion, a good 3 to 4 sentences.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Here at the... not here at the top, but I'll let you know. I'll let you know when it's happening.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: There are things in this fanfiction that I do not wanna read aloud with my... with my human mouth. [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] Oh nooo! I was kinda...
Sequoia: And therefore, I'm not going to.
Kim: Kinda hoping that this hadn't been one of those, those that end up on my list.
Sequoia: [laughs] But it's just like a tiny bit of it.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: So there's a lot more going on here. There's a lot of going. There's a lot going on here.
Kim: [wobbly] Okay.
Sequoia: Okay. [clears her throat] Are you ready?
Kim: I guess...
Sequoia: Severus Snape...
Kim: [weakly] Oh, nooo.
Sequoia: ...awoke to music drifting through the dormitory.
Kim: Aha?
Sequoia: It was early. The other boys were still sleeping. But this music called to him.
Kim: [laughs] Um, what the fuck is up with… I've read a lot of squid stuff, right?
Sequoia: Yeah?
Kim: So much of it is Snape related.
Sequoia: Yeah, I kind of...
Kim: What's up with that?
Sequoia: I kind of was wondering if you were gonna guess Snape, because there's so much Snape related squid content.
Kim: My mind went completely blank. [Sequoia laughs] Cause I just, I literally don't know what to expect.
Sequoia: Right. Right.
Kim: You, to have pulled from my list, sent by Ka... too many.... There are too many factors, [Sequoia laughs] and they made me forget that Snape is in almost every squid...
Sequoia: A lot of them.
Kim: But, uh, why.
Sequoia: An incredible amount. It's either, there's, you know, Hagrid sometimes arrives...
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Uh... The twins.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But mostly Snape.
Kim: Mostly Snape!
Sequoia: And I, I don't know why.
Kim: Is it drawing from a large... We, we represent the majority opinion, I think, in the fandom, that Snape fucking sucks, and we all hate him.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, yeah.
Kim: Do you think that's it?
Sequoia: Um, I would say yes.
Kim: And everyone's like, LOL.
Sequoia: See, if the majority of it was "LOL"...
Kim: Yeah, it's not, is it.
Sequoia: But it's not.
Kim: It's like heartfelt romance between Snape and the squid.
Sequoia: Exactly! That is questionable as far as parody is concerned, you're like, I don't know, I do not know the intent behind this story, it is unclear. [laughs] So I don't know, my dude.
Kim: Oh my gosh. All right, so Snape is being called by some music that's drifting through the dormitories early in the morning.
Sequoia: Yes. Yes. This is a young Snape.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: It wound around his body like vines.
Kim: Or tentacles.
Sequoia: No. Like seaweed.
Kim: Tentacles.
Sequoia: Well, like sea, like...
Kim: Nooooooo. [Sequoia laughs] We know where we're going.
Sequoia: Right. Like tentacles. I mean, it... Yeah. Like tentacles. He got out of bed and dressed as the music continued, as if in a trance. Then he walked out of the dormitory following the call.
Kim: Hmm. The call of...?
Sequoia: The music.
Kim: The music.
Sequoia: At this point... At this point, who knows? [laughs]
Kim: [mock wonderment] Who knows? What could be causing this music?
Sequoia: What could be causing the music?
Kim: Nobody knows.
Sequoia: It's the squid at the bottom of, he's playing a tiny violin.
Both: [laugh]
Kim: He's playing four tiny violins.
Sequoia: Four tiny violins, that's right! He could be, I mean, what if they're not all violins, though?
Kim: Is it five... Wait, how many tentacles do squids have?
Sequoia: Eight?
Kim: Ten?
Sequoia: Ten. Eight's an octopus.
Kim: Man.
Sequoia: Ten?
Kim: We really just don't know anything about squids.
Sequoia: We are not squid biologists!!! Squids have some amount of legs that could be playing any amount of instruments.
Kim: Aha!
Sequoia: And I think maybe they're not all violins. He's really trying to, like, round out the sound.
Kim: Aha.
Sequoia: So you've gotta have some other string instruments involved.
Kim: Aha.
Sequoia: Only one...
Kim: Woodwind.
Sequoia: Woodwind.
Both: Yeah.
Sequoia: Cause he still just has one beak.
Both: [laugh]
Kim: How about percussion, he has some percussion in there?
Sequoia: Ooh, some percussion, yeah, for sure.
Kim: Mmmkay.
Sequoia: For sure. Electric guitar... Okay! [laughs] Okay, okay, okay. He pushed open the doors and stepped outside just as the sun was rising. The song continued from the lake, and he walked towards it.
Kim: Mm hmm.
Sequoia: He was being reeled in slowly, a hook in his gut, drawing him forward. [Kim snorts] It's a good fishing metaphor.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: [laughs] I like it, I like the fishing metaphor.
Kim: Yeah, this is good, I guess.
Sequoia: Mm-hmm. He reached the lake and looked out over it. For the first time in over six years he could see the head of the giant squid just under the surface of the water.
Kim: [laughs] [very uncertainly] Okaaay.
Sequoia: The squid is calling to him!
Kim: [in a breaking voice] Yeaaaah?
Sequoia: So it's right there.
Kim: Yeaaaah?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: I'm so concerned.
Sequoia: [laughs] You should be. A tentacle broke the water. Severus walked towards the water, knowing the music would sound better from in there.
Kim: Oh, my god. This is...
Sequoia: It's not okay.
Kim: Yeah, no, no, no, definitely not okay, you wake, you're awake early in the morning, and you hear music that calls you down to the lake, and you're like, “the lake, it calls me, I must hear the music as well as possible by entering the lake”.
Sequoia: [laughs] “By putting my head”...
Kim: “By putting my human head”...
Sequoia: …“in... under the water”.
Kim: …“under the water”.
Sequoia: M-hm! Not good.
Kim: Not!
Sequoia: Not good.
Kim: Not a great sign.
Sequoia: But it will, hm... sound better down there, though.
Kim: Erm... Until you die.
Sequoia: I'm not sure about the acoustics of water here.
Kim: Yeah, I actually don't think it will sound better, but that's fine.
Sequoia: I don't think it will. "Mr. Snape!" Severus spun around and saw Madam Pomfrey, standing near the pier, staring at him.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Remus Lupin stood a foot behind her, looking haggard.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: "It's too early for you to be out and about, you'll catch your death. Follow us inside, please". [Kim snickers] Madam Pomfrey continued walking. Severus looked over his shoulder as the music died out, and the tentacle drifted away.
Kim: [laughs] I... [laughs again, as if searching for words] How frequently is the squid gonna be tormenting him, trying to get him to walk into the lake from here on out? Is it gonna be like... all the time? Whenever there's a quiet moment, Snape is drawn to the lake? Ah!
Sequoia: [laughs] [shouting] “Do you hear the music?! Do you hear it?!”
Kim: And then he... And everyone's like, “no, what are you talking about?”
Sequoia: “It draws me. Like a hook! In my gut!”
Kim: “Why can only you hear it?”
Sequoia: “What's with the... He just…”
Kim: “Cause... cause the squid”. The squid knows! The squid knows that Snape's a shit.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: And it's trying to murder him.
Sequoia: Oh! I like this theory! [pauses, Kim snickers] Do I like this theory?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: No. Um, I do, I would like to think that in, in addition to the hook in the gut...
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: He is constantly using fishing and water metaphors now, as well. [Kim laughs in the background] He can hear the music and... [mumbles-laughs]
Kim: He's got, he's got seaweed on the brain.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah... No. Like, seaweed... Wrapped around his body like vines.
Kim: Oh. Okay.
Sequoia: When he turned back, Lupin was looking at him strangely. He waited until the other boy turned before following them in.
Kim: Yeah. Lupin was like, “what are you doing?”. Fuck.
Sequoia: “What are you doing, it is like”...
Kim: “Five in the morning”.
Sequoia: “Five o clock in the morning, you're standing sort of ominously next to the lake. Only I'm supposed to be here.”
Kim: “Yeah, only I'm supposed to be out, standing ominously by”... no, he's not supposed to be standing ominously, but, unless?
Sequoia: [with increasing volume] Eh? Eh? Eh?!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I think he just, I think it's, hm, that he just came out of his werewolf time.
Kim: Yeah! [laughing] "Werewolf time".
Sequoia: Of his werewolf time.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And Madame Pomfrey knows.
Kim: Of course.
Sequoia: And was there to help him.
Kim: She collected him. Yeah. Ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-yeah.
Sequoia: She went to collect him, and then she was like, “what the fuck are you doing here?”.
Kim: Lurking?
Sequoia: Lurking.
Kim: Ominously.
Sequoia: The next morning, the song drifted through the dorm again…
Kim: Good!
Sequoia: …seeping in through the ceiling and washing over him.
Kim: Squid is going to play him the song of its people until it succeeds at murdering him. [Sequoia laughs] I'm about it.
Sequoia: It doesn't help that the Slytherin dormitory is, like...
Kim: Under the lake.
Sequoia: …under the lake.
Kim: Yeah, that's true.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He actually probably can hear it better from the dorms than outside.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: He just needs to blast a hole through the wall of the dormitory...
Sequoia: Flood...
Kim: Flood...
Both: The dormitory.
Sequoia: Kill all of his classmates.
Kim: Listen to the music.
Sequoia: Listen to the music. Resonate with the one...
Kim: Step with the music. [Sequoia laughs] Become one with the music and the squid.
Sequoia: [shouting] God damn it!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Considering how, like, in the very first book, Dumbledore's like, “music is a magic unlike any other”, remember? Or whatever the fuck in this he says?
Sequoia: Oh, yeah!
Kim: There is so little music in the books.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: It's weird.
Sequoia: Do... Do the mermaids sing?
Kim: They do.
Sequoia: Yeah. It's only water related.
Kim: But there's no, like, yeah, there's no, like, magic music.
Sequoia: And I feel like there should be. Like a... Yeah, like music spell, musical spells, and stuff like that?
Kim: M-hmm.
Sequoia: Yeah, there should be. But, except, except that wizards can't do musical spells. Only squids.
Kim: [laughs] Okay. [hesitating] Checks out...?
Sequoia: He quickly dressed, rushing this time, as he knew where he was going. He wanted to dive straight in.
Kim: Go out the window of the Slytherin common room.
Sequoia: That's...
Kim: Into the lake.
Sequoia: Into the lake. [laughs] But it was Saturday. And he'd slept in.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: So he's late.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: He's, he's late out to the lake.
Kim: Uh-oh.
Sequoia: The Gryffindor Quidditch team were walking past. Lupin...
Kim: Is this just gonnna be a series of comedic mishaps that prevent him from walking into the lake, à la The Awakening?
Sequoia: [laughs] No! [laughs again] No!
Kim: “I'm gonna walk into there, I'm gonna fill my pockets with fish”.
Sequoia: [laughing] Jesus Christ!
Kim: “And dissolve into the sea fo... the lake foam”.
Sequoia: The lake foam? Now, there's lake foam. Sure.
Kim: And then it's like, “oh, no, Sirius Black's here, doing a prank!” [Sequoia laughs] “Oh, no!”
Sequoia: All the Marauders are...
Kim: Comedic mishap!
Sequoia: [laughs] Um, no.
Kim: No?
Sequoia: No, that is in fact not what's happening.
Kim: Fine!
Sequoia: Um... The Gryffindor Quidditch team were walking past, Lupin following more slowly behind.
Kim: Lupin was... did not... Fine.
Sequoia: He's...
Kim: Not on the Quidditch team.
Sequoia: …just where his friends are.
Kim: Yeah, but...
Sequoia: It's Saturday, so Peter's asleep, still.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And James and Sirius are going to Quidditch practice. So he's also going to Quidditch practice. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, right. [slyly] He's also going to Quidditch practice... Because Sirius is there.
Sequoia: Right. Or... [a short pause] Lupin following more slowly behind. Lupin stopped and stared. Snape turned his back on the smaller boy. Instead of wading into the water, he merely knelt by the shore, dipping his fingers...
Kim: Acting super casual. [Sequoia laughs] [goofy, high-pitched voice] “Just gonna, just gonna touch the wa-”
Sequoia: “Oh, the squid!”
Kim: [Sequoia laughs in the background] [goofy voice] “I'll streeetch? Yeaaah? Dip my pinky in the lake? Oh, maybe another finger?”
Sequoia: “Ooh! Hmm!” [sighs] Oh, my god.
Kim: “Oh, no, my whole body's in the lake!”
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: The water was a conductor, allowing the music to enter his body.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: It's calling him into the lake!
Kim: Weird!
Sequoia: [laughs] [whispering] It's calling him into the water...
Kim: Mere contact with the water allows it to resonate through his entire being.
Sequoia: Aha. Yeah.
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: He stayed there, head bowed, feeling the currents run through his veins. Still, it was a long time before he felt the eyes on his back leave.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Lupin's standing there, being like, “is he gonna... or is he just gonna...?”.
Kim: “What is he... What is he doing?”
Sequoia: “What is he doing?” [laughs]
Kim: “He's sitting by... he's not collecting any lake grass”. [Sequoia laughs] “Got him!”
Sequoia: That's the only thing... [laughs] …that you can do...
Kim: That's the only thing you can do by the lake!
Sequoia: [laughing] …by the lake! Is to get lake grass! And we all know that!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: We're all aware! [Kim laughs] Incredible.
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: A passage of time.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Severus awoke very early. The song was already drifting through the dormitory.
Kim: Aha?
Sequoia: It was as if the song never stopped now.
Kim: Oh, god. I love... This has, like, major Lovecraftian vibes, right?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: You're being called by some force as yet unknown...
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: That resonates through your entire being.
Sequoia: And tell you...
Kim: Enter its tentacly embrace.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: I guess.
Sequoia: Maybe. We'll see.
Kim: Whipping tentacles, intersecting with our plane, whatever.
Sequoia: [laughs] Something, something...
Kim: Something, something. I mean, they will do *something*.
Sequoia: Something. It was as if the song never stopped now.
Kim: Good Lord!
Sequoia: It had entered his skin and flooded his body.
Kim: There's been... heck a curse. [Sequoia laughs] Like, Sirius, whatever you did... It is funny.
Sequoia: It is... [laughs] [shouting] It's funny until he enters the lake!
Kim: Yeah? [Sequoia giggles] And?
Sequoia: [Sequoia laughs in response] Excellent. The urge to enter the lake...
Kim: [bursts out with laughter]
Both: [laugh loudly]
Sequoia: Okay. [clears throat] The urge to enter the lake continued to grow stronger.
Kim: It was already, like, he was seconds away from plunging his face into the lake the very first time.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. But...
Kim: It's wild that he hasn't entered the lake.
Sequoia: See, okay, but he had to make a plan first.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: He had to make a plan first.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: He had to make a plan first.
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: Because. You'll see.
Kim: Oh, no.
Sequoia: Hold for the text! [Kim whines] This morning, he was prepared. He put his swimming trunks on...
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And gillyweed in his pocket.
Kim: [conceding] Okay.
Sequoia: Because...
Kim: He's not gonna die.
Sequoia: He's not gonna die.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: [laughs] He wants to enter the water....
Kim: It kind of seemed... [laughs]
Sequoia: ...so that he can be surrounded with the vibrations of the music.
Kim: Aha.
Sequoia: But he also knows that he cannot breathe down there.
Kim: Well... That's good.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That's good.
Sequoia: We'll see.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And gillyweed in his pocket, before slipping out of the castle towards the lake.
Kim: Mm hmm.
Sequoia: The sky was only just beginning to lighten as he ran across the grass. The gillyweed slid down his throat and he slipped into the water.
Kim: Mm hmm.
Sequoia: The song surrounded him and entered him through every pore.
Kim: [sceptically] Yeah?
Sequoia: He swam urgently to the middle of the lake...
Kim: Okay...
Sequoia: And the squid rose from the bottom to greet him.
Kim: Weird. This is like... [sighs] Like, this has a lot of potential as, like, kind of an adventure story.
Sequoia: Like the, the adventure calls to you...
Kim: Yeah... And you find a dark artifact in the lake, and...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But it's not. This is going in a romance direction, and I... am so afraid.
Sequoia: Is this... It's... There's...
Kim: Aha...
Sequoia: [laughs]
Kim: What have you done. What have you...?
Sequoia: You! You did... Listen! You come on to this podcast...
Kim: Aha.
Sequoia: …and look at me with those eyes...
Kim: Aha?
Sequoia: …pretending like you haven't read Snape / the squid on this podcast before.
Kim: Yeah! *I* do that! [Sequoia laughs] It's my job!
Sequoia: So when I do it, it scares you.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: You're afraid.
Kim: I don't know how to react!
Sequoia: Exactly. So now I'd like you to understand how I feel.
Kim: [laughs] No!
Sequoia: You are now in my shoes.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: And you don't know what's gonna happen next.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: He's in the water with the squid!
Kim: Oh, god... [Sequoia laughs in the background] I'm really worried about those three sentences you're gonna summarize for us.
Sequoia: He was guided by some sixth sense to the squid's face. It had eyes, though not like any he'd ever seen before.
Kim: Squid eyes...
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. As he gazed into them, he understood, for the first time...
Kim: I'd like to circle back to him having a sixth sense.
Sequoia: He was guided by some sixth sense. Yeah.
Both: Squid sense. [laugh]
Kim: Okay, good.
Sequoia: We're... We're all on the same page.
Kim: Make sure I get that in there. Okay! Make sure that we're...
Sequoia: Yeah? Listeners? Right? Squid sense? We're all here?
Kim: Squid sense.
Sequoia: Oh, my god. That's why he can hear the song.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: It's because he's the only one in the castle with squid sense.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: [long pause] Anyway.
Kim: Is this in the same universe as that one I did last year?
Sequoia: [definitively] No.
Kim: No? Okay.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: There is more to it. [laughs]
Kim: Oh, no... Yikes.
Sequoia: As he gazed into them, he understood the song for the first time. It was a song of need. The squid needed him. And he was here to answer the call.
Kim: Okay...
Sequoia: And now...
Kim: Needed him... to be f-friends?
Sequoia: …I am going to summarize. [laughs]
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I am going to summarize.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And the summary is... as follows.
Kim: You're already not giving them what they want, which is to hear this nasty shit.
Sequoia: They have the link!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: They have the link in the description, I will not read it aloud with my human mouth!
Kim: You gotta, you gotta, you gotta give me a little bit more than just vomit noises.
Sequoia: Oh, my god.
Kim: Come on, bud. You can't... You can't.
Sequoia: Well, what am I supposed to say?
Kim: They fuck!
Sequoia: They fuck.
Kim: Give me a little bit more...
Sequoia: Well, no, they don't.
Kim: They don't fuck.
Sequoia: There's more, it's more like... [laughs]
Kim: What? What do they do?
Sequoia: I'm gonna say more with my human mouth than I wanted to. It's more like Snape is just, sort of, um... [clucks] Feeling the vibrations of the music and the water?
Kim: Uh-huh?
Sequoia: They don't really touch each other...
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: Very much?
Kim: Uh-huh? [pause] Is there a mutual climax?
Sequoia: I don't know about mutual.
Kim: Huh. [Sequoia laughs] How about you turn that screen around and just let me look at it? Let me look at it with my human eyes.
Sequoia: [laughs] You wanna look at it?
Kim: Yeah, bud!
Sequoia: Do you wanna summarize it?
Kim: Yeah! I'm gonna summarize it.
Sequoia: [laughing] What is this podcast?! Okay, can you, you do it.
Kim: The squid fucks Snape with the song.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah! That's what I was trying to say!
Kim: There, there is, the words in that paragraph that I just read was that the song enters Snape, and then he does finish. So.
Sequoia: Yeah, it, it, actually it is important to note that this, that the song enters Snape.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: That will, that will be relevant.
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: That will be relevant, like...
Kim: Will it. [Sequoia laughs] Is he gonna get pregnant with little song babies?
Sequoia: I don't know, is he?
Kim: What?!
Sequoia: [laughs heartily]
Kim: You made that seem a lot worse than it was. He just...
Sequoia: I did! Listen...
Kim: He just gets fucked a little bit by a song.
Sequoia: Listen...
Kim: That's nothing.
Sequoia: Ugh.
Kim: It's nothing.
Sequoia: He started sinking slowly down. Two tentacles caught him, cradling him gently.
Kim: Mhmm.
Sequoia: They gave him a tender hug and pushed him to shore. He felt drained and exhausted, but more alive than he'd ever felt before.
Kim: [laughs, takes a breath]
Sequoia: Yes?
Kim: You did pretty well reading the "after" part.
Sequoia: [dismissively] Yeah, that was fine. [laughs] Is this good content?
Kim: You've such delicate sensibilities.
Sequoia: Of course, the moment was going to be ruined by Remus Lupin.
Kim: Oh, that fucking Lupin, always ruining the afterglow!
Sequoia: [laughs] Classic Lupin.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, my god. "What are you doing here?". Lupin raised an eyebrow.
Kim: “Oh, well, here's the thing, I just had sex with a song?”
Sequoia: [laughs] It was the water and a song.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Um... The squid was present.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: There.
Kim: So...
Sequoia: So...
Kim: That's what I'm doing.
Sequoia: [laughs] Just a regular...
Kim: Just regular Sunday?
Sequoia: Saturday morning? Sunday?
Kim: It was, it was Saturday when the Quidditch team interrupted him.
Sequoia: So maybe this is the next day, it was Sunday.
Kim: Sunday.
Sequoia: Sunday morning. [pause] “Water is sexy.”
Kim: [splutters and squeals]
Sequoia: That's it, that's what he said.
Kim: Did he just admit that?!
Sequoia: He just said that. He just said it! [Kim roars in the background] Listen, he's there, he's, um...
Kim: In his debauched state.
Sequoia: Yeah! He's probably naked.
Kim: He was wearing swim trunks.
Sequoia: The swim trunks were removed at one point.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: So he's naked.
Kim: Uh-huh.
Sequoia: Coming out of the lake.... [Kim makes weird, guttural noises] [Sequoia laughs] God damn it, as soon as it came out of my mouth...
Kim: Naah.
Sequoia: Errrr! I think that he is naked, standing on the shore of the lake, so...
Kim: He's like... What...?
Sequoia: He's just owning up to it.
Kim: “I've got a water fetish!” [both laugh] “How about you?”
Sequoia: Snape walked past him to his towel and robes.
Kim: Who's embarrassed now! No one is embarrassed! [Sequoia laughs] Fuck. That's funny.
Sequoia: "Accio trunks", echoed behind him, and he turned to see his swimming trunks...
Kim: Don't touch!!!
Sequoia: ...skimming over the water...
Kim: Lupin! Do not touch those!!!
Sequoia: He's, uh, just being helpful. Just doing the help.
Kim: Uh-huh...
Sequoia: Being a little helpful.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He held them out and Snape grabbed them, and began walking towards the castle. "What? Not even a thank you?". Snape ignored him.
Kim: [laughs] It's... a wild way to react to this, Lupin.
Sequoia: He's like, "hey, what are you doing here? Water's sexy? Well, yeah, okay, I see that, I see that... Uuuuh...".
Kim: Lupin has, like, heard, like, ten times weirder things from Sirius, [Sequoia laughs in the background] that he, just, like, doesn't even give a shit.
Sequoia: "I mean, eh, to each their own or whatever. Hey, your trunks are out there. Let me get those for you". [laughs] Snape ignored him, trying to recapture the ecstasy he'd felt under the water... [Kim laughs] He's just walking towards the castle... Just walking towards the castle.
Kim: Remus... Lupin totally ruined that moment for him! [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, well, classic Lupin, as we said. As we said before.
Kim: Really funny.
Sequoia: All he could feel was the other boy's eyes on him.
Kim: Yeah. Lupin does not seem judgey at all, which is fine.
Sequoia: No. He's like, “okay”.
Kim: It's good. He's like, “okay”!
Sequoia: “This is fine”.
Kim: “You do you, dude”.
Sequoia: “Whatever, man”. Over the next two weeks, Snape continued to hear the music.
Kim: Like a pervert.
Sequoia: [laughs] God dammit!
Kim: He's hearing the music in class? Pervert!
Sequoia: [laughs] Knowing that the lake was above his dorm room helped him sleep easier. He imagined the squid rested above his room, humming lullabies.
Kim: It's not what it's... Okay.
Sequoia: For the music had changed.
Kim: More like fuckab... What?
Sequoia: The music has… [laughs heartily] I hate everything that's happening. And I did it to myself!
Kim: You did do it to yourself.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. [laughs] No, the music had changed. Music has changed.
Kim: Aha... Okay.
Sequoia: He no longer felt the constant pull. Instead, he felt comforted, warmed by the tune that enveloped him. This is now a loving, comforting tune.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: The music's hugging him, giving him a big hug.
Kim: Wh-wh-wholesome?
Sequoia: It's a wholesome... It's a wholesome, nice, big hug.
Kim: I take back me screaming 'pervert' into the microphone.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: A minute ago.
Sequoia: Yeah, you should take that back.
Kim: My bad.
Sequoia: Yeah. This is a nice, family tune. [laughs]
Kim: Turns out I'm the pervert.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh. He also continued to swim every morning. Even as the weather grew colder, the lake always warmed him. The squid made him feel loved. It was not something he was used to. [Kim laughs] [00:36:09]A tier. [0.0s]
Kim: This is just so...! This is just so...
Sequoia: [00:36:14]Nothing was listening tier. [0.2s]
Kim: This is so wild! Why?
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: Why have we decided...
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: …that Snape, someone who is not very loved canonically...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …he falls in love with a girl, and then is obsessed with her for the rest of his life... Why have we decided, in fandom, apparently...
Sequoia: M-hm. Yeah.
Kim: …and not really told the rest of us in fandom...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …that the squid is who can heal Snape's broken heart?
Sequoia: Because they belong together.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: I don't understand your question. [starts laughing]
Kim: [Sequoia still laughs in the background] Never mind, then, question retracted, I guess I'm the one that's... not on the same page.
Sequoia: Whoo. More than once he had seen Lupin staring at him from the pier or across the grass. [Kim snorts] He made a point of avoiding the boy.
Kim: Lupin! Stop watching! Lupin's the pervert!
Sequoia: Yes, probably. [laughs] He made a point of avoiding the boy, but on this morning he couldn't. Lupin was sitting by his clothes, book in hand. He didn't look up as Snape approached, just began to read out loud.
Kim: Okay?
Sequoia: "The lake is home to a giant squid, which has been here since before the castle was built. Once every hundred years or so, the squid feels the urge to reproduce."
Kim: [distressed noises]
Sequoia: "His magic calls a human to the area. One who is ready to provide a home..."
Kim: Is Remus reading Hogwarts: a History out loud? [Sequoia laughs loudly] Is this information just in Hogwarts: a His– Why don't they teach the fucking students if their squid– [gets louder and more indignant] If their squid gets horny every hundred years, they need to be warning the children!!!
Sequoia: Yes. Yes.
Kim: [shouting] Why is Hogwarts allowed to continue to exist?! [Sequoia laughs] Not safe!!! Not okay!
Sequoia: Nope. Anyway. Um... [laughs] "His magic calls to a human in the area, one who is ready to provide a home for the squidlet, as it gestates, [Kim whines] and is powerful enough to support the magic the beast develops during its two month gestation."
Kim: Aaaaaah! Sequoia!
Sequoia: What?
Kim: What are you reading to me?
Sequoia: What? [laughing] It's squid month!
Kim: I hope all of you listeners are fucking happy. [Sequoia laughs loudly in the background] Kate, I hope you're proud of yourself.
Sequoia: Oh, you know Kate's proud of herself!
Kim: Yeah, I do.
Sequoia: Okay. "Unfortunately, no surrogate mother has ever survived the birth."
Kim: [a laugh-whine] [starts so high it's almost ultrasound] Why aren't they fucking warning these kids?!
Sequoia: Yeah, they're like, “hey, so if the squid calls to you, like, leave that shit alone”.
Kim: “Do not.”
Sequoia: “Cause you will die.”
Kim: “You will literally die.”
Sequoia: Yeah. We're back. We're back to before, where Snape was gonna die. [laughs]
Kim: [weakly] Yeah. We are.
Sequoia: We're baaack!
Kim: Oh, my god. I can't believe that me saying, [mockingly] "oh, it's gonna have little music babies"... [pleading and exasperated] Sequoiaaa. [Sequoia laughs] How?!
Sequoia: Heeey, heeey!
Kim: This is so. Much.
Sequoia: This is not the only squid mpreg fic that I read.
Kim: No, of course not!
Sequoia: It was just the best one.
Both: [laugh]
Kim: It is... quite good at what it's doing.
Sequoia: Yeah, it's doing something. "The fertilization and birthing process remain mystery still, as does the fate of the baby squids, for none has ever been seen in the lake. And there is only one giant squid."
Kim: Okay, this is... Are you sure that you were right to tag this 'romance'? I think... Horror.
Sequoia: You have... No. You have to...
Kim: Horror?
Sequoia: I haven't gotten to the romance yet.
Kim: Hor... Shit. Fuck.
Sequoia: [laughs] This story is long enough for two episodes!
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: We have more to go, dude!
Kim: Fuck... [Sequoia laughs] [quietly] Oh my god.
Sequoia: Yeeeah. Severus rested his thin hands on his belly. A baby. He'd known, of course.
Kim: [a sound of an uncomfortable surprise] Oh-ow...
Sequoia: Probably from the first moment the magic had been pushed so easily into him.
Kim: [uneasily] Oh...
Sequoia: But to have Remus Lupin read it out loud so matter of factly made it real.
Kim: [croaky] Oh... Oh... Ok-kkay...
Sequoia: A gentle smile graced his face as he thought about his child.
Kim: Dude?!
Sequoia: "Severus? Did you hear what I said?" "Of course", he replied dreamily. "Well, you need to go to Madam Pomfrey and get it taken out!"
Kim: Before it fucking kills you.
Sequoia: "What?" "'No surrogate mother has ever survived'? This will kill you, Severus!" Severus wanted to deny it, but he couldn't. He only knew... [Kim laughs nervously] "I'm not giving up my baby! And if you find out... And if I find out, anyone else knows, I'll hex you into next week. You and your little friends."
Kim: [wobbly] Okaaay.
Sequoia: "Stay out of it."
Kim: [weakly] Well... [pause] [uncertainly] You know, things would probably go better for most of them if Snape just fucking died at this point...
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] I mean, I don't know how big a giant squid gets...
Kim: In two months.
Sequoia: In two months of... your... Of gestating inside of a Severus Snape, [Kim snorts] but probably big enough to do some real internal damage.
Kim: Yeah, I'm just thinking about what a happy life Harry would've had if... [Sequoia laughs] Snape'd just fucking died as a teenager.
Sequoia: The next two weeks passed blissfully. He gained weight, but his robes covered it.
Kim: [weakly] Okay...
Sequoia: He was very tired, but napped during his free periods.
Kim: [weakly] Okay...
Sequoia: His grades suffered, but he didn't care.
Kim: [weakly and high] Okay.
Sequoia: Every morning he swam. And every morning Lupin watched from afar.
Kim: Lupin...
Sequoia: He's trying to be helpful.
Kim: Sequoia.
Sequoia: He's attempting to be helpful!
Kim: Sequoia...
Sequoia: Uh huh?
Kim: If this turns into a Snape...
Sequoia: Uh huh?
Kim: …slash...
Sequoia: [muttering under her breath] I dunno whacha talkinabout.
Kim: …Lupin...
Sequoia: I dunno whacha talkinabout.
Kim: …I may never forgive you.
Sequoia: I don't know what you're talking about. [laughs] I haven't done anything. I'd like to remind you that Kate did this. [laughs]
Kim: No. You picked this one. You scrolled through the whole list of shit...
Sequoia: A whole list, I read every single one of them, and then this came up...
Kim: Until this seemed... Until this seemed like a normal-ish story...
Sequoia: ...and I said thank you! [laughs]
Kim: ...that you could read with your mouth to me. Ugh.
Sequoia: I said: thank you very much!
Kim: [muttering] Snape slash... [indignantly] I know! I can smell the Snape slash Lupin on this story!
Sequoia: I'm surprised you couldn't smell it at the beginning.
Kim: Well.
Sequoia: Or were you just refusing to?
Kim: I was. [pause] I know, I know that our listeners are choosing violence through the submission form. [Sequoia laughs] Sending me Snape slash anyone in the Marauders.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Other than James, which is funny.
Sequoia: Oh, my god. [laughs] Of course, it couldn't be this easy the whole time. The morning after his second month began, it happened.
Kim: He exploded.
Sequoia: He exploded, the end.
Both: [laugh]
Kim: Oh, weird, I thought this was gonna be a two parter!
Sequoia: Psych! He was bending over a cauldron in Slughorn's class, and he fainted. Strong arms caught him, and he heard Lupin's voice buzzing, as he fought through the haze.
Kim: Strong arms...
Sequoia: Strong arms, his big, strong arms. "I'll take him to Madame Pomfrey, Professor". He tried to say no, but he couldn't get the words out.
Kim: This is a wild romance plot hook.
Sequoia: “I'll help you”...
Kim: I thought I had a wild romance plot hook in the last episode. You? You have maybe one... This is maybe...? Maybe?
Sequoia: “I will help you through the gestation period of your giant squid baby, let's fall in love?”
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: You think that's weird?
Kim: I think that's... That is a wild premise, yes.
Sequoia: [laughs] That's wild? A featherweight spell enveloped him, followed by lean arms and the comforting smell of earth and chocolate. With his head tucked comfortably under Lupin's chin, he let the darkness take him.
Kim: Earth? Lupin smells like dirt?
Sequoia: He smells like dirt. And chocolate.
Both: [laugh]
Kim: Not good smells!
Sequoia: You know, he's...
Kim: Yes?
Sequoia: Nope, I have no reason for why he would... [laughs]
Kim: Smell like dirt?!
Sequoia: [laughs] I tried really hard to... You know, he's, uh...
Kim: In the middle of werewolf time.
Sequoia: Ooh, yeah.
Kim: And...
Sequoia: And...
Kim: Was out all night...
Sequoia: In the dirt.
Kim: In the dirt!
Sequoia: [laughs] And he didn't take a shower when he got back. It's fine.
Kim: He smells like dirt because he's covered in dirt. Great.
Sequoia: When he came to, he wasn't in the hospital wing. In fact, his feet were bobbing in the water, head cradled in someone's lap. A tentacle was stretched out and stroking his feet gently.
Kim: Oh. My... goodness. [Sequoia laughs] Oh, my goodness.
Sequoia: Look, they're nursing him back to health together.
Both: [squeal and laugh]
Sequoia: [weakly] It could be okay...
Kim: No! [Sequoia laughs] Okay...
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Is he gonna give birth... [wails]
Sequoia: "Where...?" "Shh..." A gentle hand stroked his hair. "I knew the water would revive you. [Kim snorts] I was going to throw you in if you didn't wake up soon." "Lupin... Why aren't I in the hospital wing?"
Kim: Great question.
Sequoia: "You didn't want Madam Pomfrey to know."
Kim: Oh, right.
Sequoia: "I may disagree with your decision, but I wasn't going to take the choice out of your hands. We can go now, if you'd like." "No, I'm fine." "You're not. Have you been eating properly?"
Kim: [indignant, spluttering noises]
Sequoia: "Why do you even care?"
Kim: [weak half syllables]
Sequoia: "Why wouldn't I?" They stared at each other for a long moment, and it was Snape that broke away.
Kim: [weak, incoherent moaning]
Sequoia: [laughing] [low] I'm just gonna power through these next two lines... [Kim whines in the background] Because you can't, because, [laughs while speaking] because I gotta stop doing this to, to Kim, this is... Okay. "You should sleep," he heard Lupin murmur as he gazed at a tentacle bobbing lazily in the distance. "We'll watch over you." So he closed his eyes and slept. The feeling of being loved surrounded him again.
Kim: Uh huh...?
Sequoia: And that is where we're gonna break.
Kim: Oh... Uh huh?
Sequoia: There's, there's... We are only halfway through this story.
Kim: [very high] Huh huh...?
Sequoia: [laughs] Listen, I haven't gotten to do this in a long time.
Kim: Uh huh?
Sequoia: It is a little bit of a rush...
Kim: Uh huh???
Sequoia: …to...
Kim: [weakly] Win the podcast?
Sequoia: Win the podcast. It really is. It is... You know what? I feel reinvigorated. This is my fourth recording session in three days. [Kim laughs] And I'm back. I'm back, babyyyy!!! [laughs]
Kim: [laughs nervously]
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: [laughter verges on crying]
Sequoia: Thoughts? Emotions, feelings?
Kim: [whimpering] Gah, it's Squid Month...
Sequoia: No points for you, buddy.
Kim: [still whimpering] It's Squid Month and I've lost...
Sequoia: [laughs] You know what?
Kim: Ugh, I have not so solidly lost an episode in a very long time.
Sequoia: [laughs] I'd like to, I'd like to thank Kate.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: For, for, for gifting me with this moment.
Kim: [accusingly] Well, it wasn't for you.
Sequoia: [laughs quietly] I know. Inadvertently gifting me with this moment. [laughs] Whoo! Um, yeah, you, you didn't get any points. No points for you, my dude.
Kim: Correct! Yeah!
Sequoia: Uhm, would you like to do a segment now?
Kim: [tsks] [a long moment of silence] Uhm...
Sequoia: Okay, but here's the problem, is, now we have more screaming to do about the segment.
Kim: I suppose it's time for...
Both: A-quick Fics.
Kim: Quick Fics is a segment where we quickly summarize a story that we found or has been submitted to us, that maybe wasn't quite right for the main pod, but we thought had elements that maybe made it funny or shine in some way, that made us wannna talk about it, except when we opened up the shared outline, and I noticed that the link that I had dropped under Quick Fic is the same link that *someone* dropped in Rec Zone.
Sequoia: [laughs, clearly delighted] That was meee!
Kim: How strange!
Sequoia: You know... This is, ah...
Kim: Then, we looked at that, and I was like, “well, that's weird, I found this story on my own”...
Sequoia: And then I said, I, “this story is, this is listener submission”. And then we looked at our handy dandy listeners submission form to see who had done this to us.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Who had gotten us to pick the same fanfiction for the Quick Fic and the Rec Zone.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: And, we are not shitting you today, listeners, this is a real life story... Jessica?
Kim: Jessica!
Sequoia: Jessica???
Kim: Jessica!
Sequoia: [laughing] Wha-wha-wha-what???
Kim: Jessica, how did you do this? How do you... How, how...
Sequoia: [laughing] What!!!
Kim: How is this possible.
Sequoia: What!!! [laughs]
Kim: How??? This is beyond science.
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: I really! I really... I'm so bewildered!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: When we, when [laughs] when we were, before we started recording, when we were doing that...
Kim: Aha.
Sequoia: And we found this out.
Kim: Aha.
Sequoia: I could feel all of my skin.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I could feel all of my skin!
Kim: And I was like, it's too early for one of us to be feeling... all skin.
Sequoia: And i was crying!!!
Both: [laugh]
Kim: Jessica.
Sequoia: Jessica!
Kim: Now, the thing about this Quick Fic segment that I was gonna do, was that I was going to say as part of it that this story is really good, and you should read it, but I thought the premise was fucking wild enough that I was gonna use it as a quick fic.
Sequoia: The premise is very wild. I think what we can say is that this is a story that takes place post war.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Where, um... Fred?
Kim: As part of the final battle, there was a casualty of sorts.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: And it was Fred. Who has been, through a combination of magic gone awry, been transformed into a giant squid.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: An orange giant squid.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: And the fic is kind of about George trying to cope with that, as they try to figure out if they can fix it and reverse it. George is trying to come to grips with it...
Sequoia: Yea.
Kim: And trying to joke around it, but it turns out that it's just not possible to fix.
Sequoia: It's surprisingly good.
Kim: It's very well written. I thought, uh... I really like it.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I just thought the premise was wild.
Sequoia: And I think it's really interesting that somebody said, hey, what if Fred and George don't make it out of the war as a pair?
Kim: I mean, I think, I think a lot of us kind of expected that to happen.
Sequoia: Did we?
Kim: Yea!
Sequoia: [mumbling] I didn't expect that to happen.
Kim: That's a, that's a good mean thing to do to your readers. A pretty solid choice.
Sequoia: [laughs] That's valid. Yeah. So, um, this is both your Quick Fic and your Rec Zone today, it is called Twins.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: The link will be in the description of this episode and also on our website. Fanaticalfics.com.
Kim: That's also where the story submission form is. Jessica knows where it is, Kate knows where it is, but if you don't, that's where it is.
Sequoia: [laughs] Whoo!
Kim: [laughs] Whoo!
Sequoia: Send us in some stuff.
Kim: Also on our website, you can find links to our merch such as the squid / not a squid biologist merch, that's on our TeePublic.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Then we've got other stuff on our website, some bookmarks...
Sequoia: Yes, Glitter is there.
Kim: Yes, Glitter, that kind of stuff.
Sequoia: You can find us on social medias, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook at Fanatical Fics, tweet us your predictions, and also just, you know, general anger...
Kim: How you feelin'? How you doin'? How...
Sequoia: ...your entire experience.
Kim: How's the Squid Month treatin' you, my dudes? [Sequoia laughs] It's treatin' me... some sort'o'way. If you wanna email us longer thoughts about what Sequoia has done...
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: What has she wrought.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: How are we all doing.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: Check in with us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: If you like this podcast in general... You can hate this episode and like the rest of the podcast! [laughs]
Kim: [laughs] You can also like this episode and hate the rest of the podcast, I guess.
Sequoia: That's true, that's true, that's true.
Kim: I guess.
Sequoia: Go ahead and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or on Facebook. It does help us reach new listeners and tells people, hey, this might be a good, um... a good show.
Kim: This might be a podcast.
Sequoia: To click play on the most recent episode, oh, no, what's this, oh, go– Oh, god!
Both: [laugh]
Kim: You can also tell people about the podcast.
Sequoia: Trick Everybody 2021!
Kim: Maybe not this episode, but also...
Sequoia: Use a different one.
Kim: ...maybe this episode!
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: Whatever you think is gonna work out for you and your friendship in the long run.
Kim: Yep. You can also support us on Patreon, we're doing all kinds of weird shit, fun shit [falls into a sing-song rhythm] over there, come hang out, come meet the infamous Kate!
Both: [laugh]
Kim: Et cetera, et cetera. At certain tiers on Patreon, you get a shout out on the podcast in the form of a story summary, which Sequoia is going to do for us. Right. Now. I'm a little, I'm falling apart just a little bit.
Sequoia: Yep, I can tell. Albus Severus Potter absolutely, and without a doubt hated his name. How could a person like their name when they were named after two extremely questionable dudes? He's decided that as soon as he's able, he'll change it. But... To what? He's not sure. Without a particular name in mind, Albus decides to do two things. First, poll the general student body. Second, begin rigorous research into historical wizards and witches who did good things and were not extremely questionable.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: But after all his attempts to poll the general student body result in names like Buddy McButtface...
Both: [laugh]
Sequoia: ...and he realizes that all wizards are problematic, Scorpius has an idea. They'll watch Scorpius' favorite Muggle TV show, and when they're done, Albus will pick which dude he thinks a certain character should have ended up with, and change his name to that name. Who will Albus pick? Who should Rory have ended up with?
Kim: [shrieks with laughter]
Sequoia: Will Albus' new name be Dean, Jess or Logan?
Kim: [shrieks again] [shouting] Tristaaaaaaan!
Sequoia: [laughs]
Kim: I mean, wait, no, I'm supposed to be shouting out the listener... the Patrons, fuck. Um...
Both: [laugh]
Kim: Thanks to... [breaks down laughing] Fuck.
Sequoia: [laughs]
Kim: Sorry. Thanks to Becky Key, Crimson Russell, Riley Kidess, Paige Turnbow, and Jennifer Sherer.
Sequoia: You are all incredible. We really appreciate all of your support. It helps us do ridiculous stuff, and we appreciate it.
Kim: Thanks also to The Whomping Willows for letting us use their song WolfStar as our theme song. You can find all of their music at thewhompingwillows.bandcamp.com.
Both: Baiiiiiii!