Episode 5: Mione/New World
We’ve made it all the way to Episode 5! Our first fic is almost exclusively intended to drive Kim crazy, and our second fic is… wow. Hold for the text, because this one gets you right at the end.
Recommendation: We Are Pleased to Inform You
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/477599/1/We-are-pleased-to-inform-you
Kim: ...tell you what song has been stuck into my head recently. It has been TLC’s No Scrub. [Sequoia sings No Scrubs] It has been so stuck into my head recently, and I don’t know why. I didn’t hear it anywhere.
Sequoia: I think that, you know, the way that you get rid of it... sing me the entire song right now.
Kim: I don’t know that I can do that. [laughter]
Sequoia: I’m gonna use this.
Kim: Use what? Use this?
Sequoia: I started recording.
Kim: Oh, Jesus. [laughs] [both sing No Scrubs] This is good. This is... this is quality.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello. I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: Woohoo!
Kim: This is episode five. Hi! Welcome.
Sequoia: This is episode five. Before we dive into the meat and potatoes of this podcast, which is...
Kim: Whatever you’re gonna read to me today.
Sequoia: Garbage.
Kim: Yes! I’m so excited.
Sequoia: First things first, lemme get some administrative stuff out of the way.
Kim: Super exciting.
Sequoia: First thing, our Patreon launched with our last episode.
Kim: Yeah, so if you like our content go and click over to our Patreon. I think we’ll probably put a link up in the description.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And see if you want to pay us for this.
Sequoia: Yeah, we... we work really hard on it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And we like doing it, but also it would be cool if we could, like, do more.
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: And in order to do more…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: ...we need your support.
Kim: Help us! Help us, listeners! You’re our only hope.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Is that a good reference?
Sequoia: We’re not... we’re not... you know… [both make incoherent noises] Pop culture!
Kim: Pop culture references. Everybody loves pop culture references.
Sequoia: Yeah, they do. [Kim laughs] Yeah, so that’ll be in the description.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And there’s all sorts of cool stuff, like you can get access to extra written material.
Kim: Yeah we’ve… we’re... we’re writing fan stuff for you.
Sequoia: We… we’ve been... we’re writing some fanfiction.
Kim: Listeners.
Sequoia: For you!
Kim: For you!
Sequoia: Yeah. And extra audio content.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So, like, if you listened to our little twenty minutes thing about Nineteen Years Later, it’ll be kinda like that, but about different topics, and fanfiction, and...
Kim: And whatever we wanna talk about.
Sequoia: Whatever we wanna talk about.
Kim: That we’re going to make you listen to.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Well, we’re not gonna make you.
Sequoia: We’re not gonna make you do anything, but, you know…
Kim: Just gonna beg you.
Sequoia: Crying. [both cry]
Kim: [in a crying voice while Sequoia is still crying] Listen to this weird thing I made.
Sequoia: [still crying] Support me!
Kim: That was really attractive.
Sequoia: Yeah, that was good. It was good.
Kim: Compelling.
Sequoia: Anyway, now that we’re done plugging that…
Kim: Plug, plug, plug.
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: So last episode I incorrectly reported the score a few times because I’m an idiot.
Sequoia: So did I. I think I suggested it, though. I think it was me being like...
Kim: Oh, you were mentally planting extra points in my brain?
Sequoia: ...don’t I already have one point?
Kim: No, you don’t. I was wrong.
Sequoia: I didn’t, I had zero. I had zero points.
Kim: Zero points. So your… so you... Sequoia has half a point.
Sequoia: And you have three.
Kim: I have three, because I am winning, because I am a winner. [laughs]
Sequoia: And I am about to read two again.
Kim: You’re gonna read me two again?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yes!
Sequoia: So you have just, like, a lot of point chances.
Kim: Yes! I’m gonna pull so far ahead. Oh, and also, if you guys wanna play along, I… we would love to hear how you’re doing as well.
Sequoia: Yeah. So, like, comment on… I’m posting the score on our Facebook page and our Twitter and our Instagram, so just, like, comment and be like, hey, I got X amount of points.
Kim: I got ten points this episode! And we’ll be like, no you didn’t.
Sequoia: Like, you… literally impossible, but good try.
Kim: No, no. Let us know. Yeah. Maybe you’ll do better than me, and you’ll almost definitely do better than Sequoia.
Sequoia: Oh, absolutely. I am garbage at this. [Kim laughs] Which is just so upsetting for the amount of fanfiction I have read in my life. Like, I should be way better at this thing.
Kim: I picked some very special fanfiction.
Sequoia: Yeah, so one of mine is gonna be really easy to predict.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Well, kind of.
Kim: I don’t know.
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: Sometimes the easy stuff doesn’t stand out to me.
Sequoia: Are you ready to make a prediction?
Kim: Always.
Sequoia: Are you ready? Okay. So this fanfiction is entitled… and I found this for you. Specifically for you.
Kim: Oh my God, I’m so excited!
Sequoia: This fanfiction is called Mione. [Kim bursts out laughing]
Kim: [Sequoia laughing in the background] Jesus fucking Christ. What the fuck? Fine.
Sequoia: And it is a romance/humor.
Kim: Romance/humor, okay. Mi… M… M... I can’t even bring myself to say it today. Like, I can’t. I can’t handle that [Sequoia laughs] [Kim takes a deep breath] Okay, so it’s romance, so it’s gonna be… I’m gonna guess Harry/Hermione, and it’s gonna take place during their sixth year, and… I don’t even know… it’s gonna be about Harry getting… trying to tell Hermione that he likes her, and she’s not listening. I don’t know.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Give it to me.
Sequoia: “Okay! Who called Hermione “Mione”? [Kim gasps] screamed Ron throughout the entire common room.
Kim: What? Oh my God, I’m so excited about where this is going. Is someone…? Oh, no, keep reading please.
Sequoia: All the guys, and I mean ALL of them, ran up.
Kim: [laughing] Are we talking… are we talking…?
Sequoia: [laughing] Are we talking about the guys?
Kim: Which guys? Which guys are we talking about?
Sequoia: [still laughing] Terry Boot?
Kim: We can’t start listing again, come on dude.
Sequoia: Okay. It’s also the common room, so you know.
Kim: Oh, okay, so like...
Sequoia: Gryffindors only.
Kim: Percy Weasley…
Sequoia: Yeah, all the guys.
Kim: Cormac Mclaggen. [laughs]
Sequoia: Oh God! We can’t talk about him still. I... I... I need, like…
Kim: Gonna need…
Sequoia: ...two more months. And I mean ALL of them run to the boys’ dorm, fighting to get in, except for Harry who sat there snickering.
Kim: Fighting to get in?
Sequoia: They’re running away.
Kim: Oh, they’re running away?
Sequoia: They’re running away.
Kim: They’re running away from Ron.
Sequoia: Ron.
Kim: Who’s yelling in the common room
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay. Except for Harry.
Sequoia: Except for Harry, who’s just being a dick.
Kim: ‘Kay. ‘Kay, cool.
Sequoia: “Oh God, Ron! It’s just a name!” said Hermione, who was fed up with Ron and his self-righteous attitude.
Kim: [laughing] What? Okay, now I’m confused. [Sequoia laughing in the background] This was going in a great direction and now I’m confused. What is happening?
Sequoia: “Just a name?! Just a name? That is what I call you. [Kim moans] It stands for MY-one!”
Kim: Goddamnit. What? [Sequoia laughs and laughs] It stands for what? I’m sorry, no, you have to stop reading this. This is going in a completely different direction than where I thought it was going and, no, I’m done, I’m leaving, I’m taking off the headphones, I’m leaving your house, and never coming back.
Sequoia: Hermione’s hands flew up and she flopped down on the sofa. “You’re hopeless,” she said in defeat. “Good. Now I realize I can worry about the important part,” said Ron and he continued to scream.
Kim: [laughing] What?
Sequoia: Who called her Mione?
Kim: Who called her...
Sequoia: Her...
Kim: ...Mione?
Sequoia: ...Mione.
Kim: Oh my God. [they make wordless sounds of mockery] Do you think they did that on purpose?
Sequoia: No, but I really wish that they had. [Kim laughs] None of them answered. Apparently, they couldn’t get into the boys’ dorm, ‘cause they’re still just down there.
Kim: They’re all just, like, huddled up outside? But the boys’ dorm is like several storeys up in the tower.
Sequoia: I think they all crowded towards the entrance to the staircase, and then they just like...
Kim: And they’re all just, like, wedged in?
Sequoia: Yeah, and then they’re like...
Kim: Four wide.
Sequoia: [makes incoherent crowd noises] Right?
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Classic.
Kim: Neville fell down and is, like, blocking the whole staircase. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Neville, ugh! “Okay then. I’m going to smash your faces one at a time,” said Ron.
Kim: Yeah, that sounds like Ron, sure.
Sequoia: In anger.
Kim: Why not?
Sequoia: In anger. In anger. He said it in anger, just in case you were wondering if he was mad about it.
Kim: What, he was threatening to smash their faces in love?
Sequoia: Smash their faces.
Kim: In lust?
Sequoia: Yeah [in a lusty voice] Mmm, I’ll smash your face in.
Kim: You know what? Gross! [both laugh]
Sequoia: “Ron, you stop it right now,” commanded Hermione as she grabbed his ear and threw him on the sofa.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: “I am not your property! If someone wants to flirt with me, or call me Mione, or call me beautiful [Kim laughs] they should be able to do it without getting their face rearranged!” screamed Hermione. “Oh, do not smirk at me, or I will go kiss every guy in this room, [Kim keeps laughing] if you smirk at me one more time.”
Kim: What kind of a threat is...? [laughs again] This is... this is a... this is a good portrait of a healthy relationship, thank you.
Sequoia: Yeah, very healthy. Ron’s smirk faded, and then he screamed, “If anybody decides to kiss you I will make them wanna transfer to another school!” Because the fault is all with the other person and none of it with Hermione, even though she says she was going to kiss everyone.
Kim: She’s the one who’s going to kiss everyone.
Sequoia: “Ron, if you hurt anyone, except a Slytherin, I will never speak to you again.” [Kim tries to breathe while bursting into laughter] [Sequoia joins her] Feel free to go around just, like, decking Slytherins in the face but like…
Kim: Do you think... d’you think Hermione will kiss them first, so that they’ll have to be smacked?
Sequoia: Yeah, right.
Kim: Continue.
Sequoia: Ron looked horrified.
Kim: I’m horrified.
Sequoia: “Well I don’t want you to get hurt,” he mumbled.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Ron had no idea how she heard him, but she replied. “Please, you hurt me more than anybody in this room.” [Kim sighs] Ron suddenly kissed her.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: And a few guys whistled.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: “Are you whistling at Hermione?” Ron demanded.
Kim: [laughing] Jesus Christ!
Sequoia: Okay, are you ready for the last sentence?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Hermione slapped him, and they went back to making out.
Kim: Is that the end of this story?
Sequoia: The end.
Kim: Uh… uh… uh…
Sequoia: I found it for you [laughs]
Kim: Thank you…? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: It’s for you. It’s a present called Mione.
Kim: No, don’t say it! Oh my God, my whole… just, like, my whole body just cringed. So who do you… okay, I wanna know, who do you think called her Mione?
Sequoia: Called her... [pause]
Kim: Mione. In this story.
Sequoia: Her [pause] Mione?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Um.
Kim: I think it was Harry
Sequoia: I think it was Harry too.
Kim: Yeah. D’you think...
Sequoia: He just wants to start some shit.
Kim: Right? [both laugh] I would too if Ron’s like… acted all crazy.
Sequoia: Like, really possessive and weird.
Kim: Insane.
Sequoia: I mean, they were both acting insane. This was insane. It’s happening.
Kim: Thank you for finding that for me.
Sequoia: You got zero points.
Kim: That was zero points, yes, I would agree.
Sequoia: Yeah! Zero points for you!
Kim: Classic misdirection?
Sequoia: Classic… Well, was it?
Kim: I should have known it was Ron/Hermione.
Sequoia: You should have.
Kim: You only pick Ron/Hermione.
Sequoia: No, I don’t. You don’t know what’s about to happen to you.
Kim: It’s more Ron/Hermione, isn’t it?
Sequoia: No, it’s not.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: No, it’s not.
Kim: Uh huh. [laughs]
Sequoia: I read a lot of weird shit.
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: Okay, okay, I’m gonna do this.
Kim: Okay I’m ready. [Sequoia takes a breath] [whispering] I’m ready.
Sequoia: Would you like to make some predictions…
Kim: Yes please.
Sequoia: …for New World, a Romance/Adventure.
Kim: Oooooh. New World. All right, I’m guessing this one’s Ron/Hermione, because that’s what I’m gonna guess, and I’m guessing that they… trying to decide if they’re gonna, like... I wanna… if I wanna guess that they’re gonna time travel or, like, dimensional travel. [laughs] I’m gonna say they’re gonna travel to a new dimension.
Sequoia: Oh damn!
Kim: Where it’s, like, a parallel universe type of thing, where things are different and weird.
Sequoia: That’s just two.
Kim: That’s two.
Sequoia: Yeah, you’ve got Ron/Hermione...
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Dimensional travel…
Kim: ‘Kay. And then they… uhhhhhhhhh... [both laugh] fight Draco.
Sequoia: They fight Draco? Okay.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: All right, this is New World.
Kim: I get zero points this episode. It’s fine. It’s what you do every episode. What?
Sequoia: Oh my gosh.
Kim: Let’s fight!
Sequoia: I got half a point [Kim laughs] last time. Okay. New World.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Harry sat with head in his hands. The past few months were taking a toll on him. The sleepless nights, the hiding away, he just couldn’t handle it any more. The war was still going on. It had been two months since Dumbledore’s death and things had gotten worse. More Order members became missing, as were members of the Ministry. The light...
Kim: This is some good set up. I… I... I’m enjoying this. That’s why I’m not saying anything.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah. It’s a good... it’s good. You got… you gotta have the space.
Kim: It’s giving us a good place and time, and timing.
Sequoia: Exactly. A lot of the stuff we read doesn’t give us good timing.
Kim: It just jumps right into…
Sequoia: Whatever.
Kim: ...whatever is happening, and you’re like, okay, here we go.
Sequoia: Okay, this is happening at some point. The light side was losing and Harry could do nothing. He had to hide away, waiting for the time to go on his journey.
Kim: What? Oh.
Sequoia: He had been planning it for months but he could not leave until the response of Hermione and Ron. They had to find the remaining Horcruxes.
Kim: Wait, what? He sent them off without him?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I like this.
Sequoia: Go find them.
Kim: Go find them. I’m gonna hide and you guys can go find the stuff.
Sequoia: I have to hide. It’s too dangerous for me to do it.
Kim: This is good characterization of Harry. Not.
Sequoia: No. If they didn’t, the world would be lost for ever.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Harry lifted his head and stared for the umpteenth time at the note in front of him. This letter was the only good news he had received for several months. “Dear Harry, I know my news might tempt you to come out of your hiding but please don’t, our side needs you more than ever.”
Kim: To hide?
Sequoia: Yeah, our side needs you…
Kim: To stay away.
Sequoia: ...to just chill.
Kim: Just... just... just keep it on the DL.
Sequoia: “The news I’m about to tell you will make you indeed very happy. Sirius has returned from the dead.”
Kim: [shouting] Nooo! [both laugh] Yesssss! Awesome! Yes, please bring back Sirius.
Sequoia: Sirius is back. Sirius is back.
Kim: Oh yes, I love they do that. I like it better when they do it… we’ll see if this person does it, but when it’s done with no explanation. Just like, Sirius is back, he fell through but then he came back through the other side, and… [fakes crying] Jo why did you kill him?
Sequoia: [also fakes crying] Why? It’s so sad. [normal voice] Yeah.
Kim: Love it.
Sequoia: Yeah, I’m pretty sure this comes with no explanation as to how that happened.
Kim: Nice, love it.
Sequoia: “Sirius has returned from the veil.”
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Harry smiled at the sentence. He remembered the first time he had read it. It was three weeks after he went into hiding. He had jumped from his seat and had to force himself back into the chair. He couldn’t risk going out into public.
Kim: Is his hiding place just the chair? [both laugh]
Sequoia: It’s a chair with like a… like a some sort of a spell.
Kim: Like a… he can maybe stand up. Do you think it’s a toilet at least? [they laugh again]
Sequoia: I can’t leave the chair.
Kim: Gotta stay seated.
Sequoia: He couldn’t risk going out into public. He would be bombarded with people asking him where he had been…
Kim: On the chair.
Sequoia: …or Voldemort trying to kill him.
Kim: You know, those things are… what?
Sequoia: They’re pretty pretty much the same. People be like, Harry, where you been?
Both: and then Voldemort is like…
Kim: …hey, I’m here to kill you.
Sequoia: …I’m literally gonna kill you. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Either way, it wasn’t a smart thing to risk, [Kim laughs] as everyone was counting on him.
Kim: [laughing] To hide?
Sequoia: Harry smiled at the note again. He’d been reading it over and over again. The rest of the letter was far less interesting, he didn’t bother reading the rest.
Kim: [laughs] Okay.
Sequoia: He’s read it many times.
Kim: It’s like, [gloomy voice] oh, today was cloudy and we didn’t find any Horcruxes.
Sequoia: Sirius is back. No explanation.
Kim: Also…
Sequoia: We had turkey for dinner. [they laugh] Yes. Good.
Kim: Ginny got a new sweater.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah. Ginny got a new sweater! The door rang.
Kim: Wait, does it not say who that letter’s from? Just a second. No?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: No. Just a letter from someone.
Sequoia: A letter from anyone.
Kim: From whomever.
Sequoia: The door has rang.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: As Harry jumped up…
Kim: Oh no, Harry, don’t get up! Sorry. [they laugh]
Sequoia: ...wand in hand, ready to attack. He moved cautiously to the brown door and peered through the key hole. “Harry, open up, you idiot!” He heard Ron’s voice through the door. [Kim laughs] Harry went to turn the door knob when an idea popped into his head.
Kim: [still laughing] What if it’s not Ron?
Sequoia: What if it’s not Ron? “Ron, if it’s really you. what is your biggest fear?” he asked suspiciously. “It’s the three unforgivable curses, now open up!” Ron insisted.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: No. Cool.
Kim: It’s not… it’s not Ron.
Sequoia: So, it’s not Ron. [laughs]
Kim: Probably.
Sequoia: Harry growled. [they laugh] Okay. [Kim growls] [Sequoia growls] I guess it is Ron. God, I guess I got to let him in now.
Kim: Stupid Ron!
Sequoia: I just been alone in my chair for two months reading the first sentence and a half of this letter.
Kim: The first sentence of a letter.
Sequoia: Over and over again. [both laugh] Not excited to see Ron at all. Harry growled and swung the door open coming face to face with his redhead friend.
Kim: Wait, it is Ron?
Sequoia: Oh, it’s Ron,.It’s definitely Ron. His worst fear is the three unforgivable curses, apparently.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Ron eyed him warily. “What the hell are you doing Harry?” [they laugh] What the hell are you doing just sitting around in your damn chair?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Harry raised his wand… the text... Harry raised his wand so that is was aimed between Ron’s eyes.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Your fear isn’t unforgivable curses.”
Kim: Oh, okay.
Sequoia: “It’s spiders.”
Kim: It’s changed, Harry. You’ve been hiding here for two months and I’ve gotten real scared of curses.
Sequoia: Ron smirked. “You’re smarter than we thought, Potter, although you are still a coward.” It’s not Ron.
Kim: Is it…? Please let it be Draco and then it is Drarry. Please please please please please pleaaaase.
Sequoia: “Who are you?” Harry growled again.
Kim: He’s smirking at you constantly, who do you think it is?
Sequoia: “Never mind your scar face, that’s not your concern.” The impersonator raised his wand, a spell hit him from behind, and he fell down. Wait, when did he turn around?
Kim: Wait, what? Did it ricochet off the back wall? Harry had his wand out. And he knew it wasn’t Ron.
Sequoia: He had his wand out here, and all of a sudden he gets hit in the back with a curse.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: A small “Oh” escaping his mouth as he hit the concrete floor. [Kim laughs] Hermione sprinted towards Harry. “Oh, Harry, I’m so glad I got here in time. I had to come to tell you something quickly, so I didn’t have time to owl you. Oh, Harry!”
Kim: Is she not…? Is Ron…? Is the fake Ron not there anymore?
Sequoia: Nah, he’s still there, I think.
Kim: Where…? Which direction is Hermione coming from? Is she coming from behind? Did she curse Harry?
Sequoia: [pause] Oh! The impersonator got hit with a curse.
Both: Oh!
Kim: Go back and read it again.
Sequoia: Okay yeah, yeah, yeah. The impersonator raised his wand, a spell hit him from behind and he fell down. The impersonator.
Kim: Oh! See, this is… this is why pronouns can be very confusing sometimes.
Sequoia: Exactly. And then Hermione comes up. “Harry, I’m so glad I got here in time.”
Kim: So this is... this is... this is our fault.
Sequoia: Yeah, we fucked up. “Is it really you, Mione?”
Kim: No! Okay, you can’t do this to me two stories in a row.
Sequoia: I’m sorry, I didn’t even think about it.
Kim: Ugh. Fine.
Sequoia: It’s fine. “Yes it is,” she whispered and pulled him into a hug. She let him go and Harry noticed the tears forming in her eyes. “Hermione, what’s wrong?”
Kim: [whispers] Ron’s dead.
Sequoia: “Ron’s dead!”
Kim: Yup, awesome! [they laugh]
Sequoia: Harry felt his stomach tighten. His head began to pound as he took in Hermione’s whispered words. His best friend died while he sat in an abandoned shack in the middle of nowhere…
Kim: Harry!
Sequoia: …just waiting. “I’m so sorry, Harry. Voldemort had captured him and we found his body three days ago.” Her tears were falling thick and heavy now...
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: ...but Harry just stood there. It felt as though his feet were glued to the ground. His mouth was dry, but he managed to form the word, “How?” Hermione shuffled her feet. “Kingsley Shacklebolt went missing a week ago, so we went on a mission to recover him. Ron, Remus and I were tipped off that they had moved their headquarters to the Malfoy Manor.” She frowned through her tears, but continued.
Kim: When did this come out?
Sequoia: This came out in November of 2005.
Kim: Oh. So they correctly predicted the Malfoy Manor thing.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That’s…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …something.
Sequoia: They did, I didn’t even think of that.
Kim: You know, where else were they were gonna headquarters?
Sequoia: That’s totally true.
Kim: We don’t know of any other locations.
Sequoia: Voldemort’s hidden…
Kim: House.
Sequoia: ...house!
Kim: Castle.
Sequoia: Death Eaters’ underground lair.
Kim: Death Star.
Sequoia: [laughing] Death Star. [both laugh] Definitely Death Star.
Kim: That’s no hot air balloon. [both laugh again] So I’ve gotten completely off track here.
Sequoia: She frowned through her tears, but continued. “We arrived, but as we walked onto the path, we were attacked by about five Death Eaters. Remus and I took on one each.”
Kim: It’s a trap! These are Star Wars references that are coming.
Sequoia: Yeah. It’s a trap!
Kim: I can’t stop.
Sequoia: “But the other three grabbed Ron and Disapparated.”
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “Malfoy’s house?”
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: “Yes. I’m so sorry, Harry.” Hermione went to give him another hug but his stiffness stopped her. [Kim bursts out laughing] Oh my God, no, no, no! [Kim keeps laughing] No! Damn it. [Sequoia screams while Kim laughs]
Kim: It was his penis.
Sequoia: I was tryna… Oh my God. As soon as I said it out loud! Oh, damn it!
Kim: Poking her wiith his penis. You know, he’s been alone for a long time, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Just him and his chair.
Kim: It’s his first human contact. [laughter] I’m confused. They brought Sirius back from the dead at the very beginning and then…
Sequoia: Hold please!
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Oh Harry, I know you’re upset, I am too, but now isn’t the time to grieve.”
Kim: Is it going to get sexy?
Sequoia: [laughing] No.
Kim: I want it to get sexy!
Sequoia: “Voldemort is strengthening since Dumbledore… uh...” “Died?” he finished for her. She smiled sadly at him before continuing.
Kim: [laughing] That was…
Sequoia: That was weird.
Kim: That’s a weird way to do that.
Sequoia: You know… Dumbledore… he uh…
Kim: He uh…
Sequoia: You know, he uh…
Kim: He uh…
Sequoia: [clicks her tongue] He just uh…
Kim: Did whatever… you know, he uh…
Sequoia: Croaked.
[Kim makes falling and exploding noises]
[both laugh]
Sequoia: You know.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: She smiled sadly at him before continuing. “Well, he has been hunting us down one by one. No one is safe in Hogwarts anymore. McGonagall is trying her best but it just doesn’t have the same protection. Harry, I think it’s time we…” Harry waved his hand. “No, Hermione. You know as well as I do that we can’t go yet. It isn’t safe.” He strode through the door and slammed it behind him.
Kim: Gotta keep hiding here.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s not safe.
Kim: My best friend’s dead. I’m just gonna hide in this house forever.
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s very Harry.
Kim: That sounds right.
Sequoia: Hermione followed and locked the door. “Harry, it is never going to be safe. We have to go. Why are we waiting?” she asked him angrily, her eyes glinting with fury. “Hermione, he’ll take you! I can’t let that happen! I’ve been thinking about... maybe you shouldn’t…” That’s more Harry.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Yeah. “No, you are not going without me, Harry. I’m not going to let you risk your life for nothing!” He sighed heavily.
Kim: ‘Cause it would be for nothing because...
Sequoia: Because she wouldn’t be there? I don’t know.
Kim: Because he’s gonna die?
Sequoia: Yeah. Without her, because he is actually bad at everything. [Kim laughs]
Sequoia: Maybe Expelliarmus won’t work this time, bro.
Kim: Use any other spell, Harry.
Sequoia: Literally anything.
Kim: I only know this one. This is the one.
Sequoia: This is it.
Kim: This is it. That’s all I got.
Sequoia: He sighed heavily. “This is what he’s been waiting for, Hermione. He knows where I’m hiding, seeing as that dumb impersonator tried to kill me. He’s waiting for me to come out of my hole so he can kill me in front of everyone.” [Kim laughs] My hidey hole.
Kim: Just move hidey holes, Harry.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Hidey hole Harry. That was good.
Sequoia: No, no it wasn’t.
Kim: That’s great. That’s quality.
Sequoia: “Harry, you’re sounding like an idiot.” [Kim tries not to laugh] “You don’t understand what’s going on, do you?” Her face was turning red. “He is going to kill us all, and he will get to you Harry. Don’t make our deaths be in vain.” She was furious with him.
Kim: She’s already planning her death.
Sequoia: She’s already dead in her mind. Harry looked at her in awe. He had never seen her so angry at him, nor had he ever heard her voice like that.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Harry looked straight into her eyes. “Hermione, Dumbledore didn’t leave us any information about where the Horcruxes may be.”
Kim: That’s, like, a direct quote from book seven.
Sequoia: Basically.
Kim: When he yells that at her.
Sequoia: Yeah. “Well, there’s no time to waste now, is there?” she asked as she took her wand out of her pocket. “We can Disapparate there, but we’ll still need our wands.”
Kim: Where?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
Kim: Where is she taking…? She’s also an imposter, isn’t she?
Sequoia: Like… like, he did no...
Kim: He didn’t check her at all.
Sequoia: ...checking. He’s just like, oh!
Kim: Oh, you stunned this guy that I knew was a fake, so obviously you must be fine.
Sequoia: So you must be actually Hermione.
Kim: Oh my God.
Sequoia: “Be careful, Harry. You haven’t been out in months; it has changed more than you think,” she told him sadly before walking out of the room, Harry at her heels. They stepped over the now balding man and held off to…
Kim: Balding man? Wait. Who…?
Sequoia: Well, he was he was disguised.
Kim: He is just some random Death Eater?
Sequoia: He’s just some random Death Eater.
Kim: I was really hoping that was Draco and then I was gonna get some Drarry.
Sequoia: No. [Kim groans] I know, I’m sorry.
Kim: The smirking! No one smirks but Draco.
Sequoia: He could be balding.
Kim: No one smirks but Draco! Ever!
Sequoia: He could be Draco. A balding Draco.
Kim: [disappointed] It’s not. It’s not Draco.
Sequoia: Hermione steered him towards the edge of a small field that looked over a small country lane. Harry gasped as he looked over the once beautiful village. The houses very now burnt to the ground [chuckles] Sorry. [Kim starts laughing] That was not funny, that was not a funny sentence. It just… it’s cool.
Kim: Constructed oddly.
Sequoia: Uh-huh. Stables were just ashes sitting in brown grass.
Kim: So the Death Eaters had been churn... going through this village that Harry was hiding, just burning it to the ground, and he didn’t notice?
Sequoia: Literally next to his shack. Yeah, he is in a shack and, like, doesn’t understand that the entire village surrounding him has been burnt to the ground. Do you…?
Kim: Do you have no sense of smell?
Sequoia: Yeah, can you not smell the fire or probably hear the screams or…?
Kim: No. He was…
Sequoia: Nope. He was really reading…
Kim: He was really busy with the letter and the chair and the…
Sequoia: The letter and the chair. The first sentence and a half of the letter just like kept him so riveted. [Kim laughs] Pieces of wood stuck into the ground and bodies lay near them. Bodies of men and women, even children. This is sad.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Some were holding pitchforks, but they had no chance, they were Muggles who were in the way of Voldemort’s divine plan.
Kim: What? What? [laughs]
Sequoia: That’s…
Kim: What Muggles in 1990s England are going after people with pitchforks? Pitchforks?
Sequoia: Pitchforks. Grab your torch and pitchforks.
Kim: An angry mob from an old monster movie?
Sequoia: From Beauty and the Beast? This is… [both laugh]
Kim: Maybe they did time travel like my prediction was. It’s a good place to hide, Harry, in the past.
Sequoia: In the past. In… in...
Kim: In 1770s France? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah. Harry sighed and turned to Hermione. “Why?” “Why do you think?” she spat, looking disgustedly at the sight in front of her.
Kim: Harry! Idiot!
Sequoia: Yeah, like...
Kim: What’s wrong with you?
Sequoia: They are evil twits who like making everything hell.
Kim: Like making everything burning.
Sequoia: Her eyes clouded over in fury. Harry looked at her in surprise. It had been only months since he had seen her, but she had changed. The bookworm girl was gone and in her place was an angry young woman. [Kim starts laughing] Her eyes no longer sparkled and long gone was her real smile. Shit.
Kim: Harry! You are staring at this village that’s been burned to the ground. What do you expect? To see?
Sequoia: He’s just, like...
Kim: [mockingly] Why aren’t you smiling?
Sequoia: [also mockingly] Why is the village burnt? Why aren’t you smiling?
Kim: What’s happening?
Sequoia: What’s going on?
Kim: I think I’ll go get my letter.
Sequoia: Where’s my letter?
Kim: He’s, like, gone insane sitting in that shack by himself.
Sequoia: Yeah, this is cabin fever.
Kim: Uh-huh.
Sequoia: “C’mon, let’s go.” Hermione broke the silence and handed Harry a small piece of paper. “Even though Grimmauld Place was yours, Sirius’s return made him the owner, as he is a Black.” “He can have it,” he told her as they walked around the village. They’re just walking around.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Walking around the dead bodies.
Kim: This is a weird conversation, too.
Sequoia: “Yes, he is also Secret Keeper. Memorize that, Harry”, she urged. Harry nodded and turned his attention back to the paper, remembering this exact same one he had received in his fifth year. He handed the paper back to Hermione and she quickly burnt it with the tip of her wand. “You know where it is? I’ll meet you there,” she told him before Disapparating with a pop.
Kim: She’s just leaving him by himself?
Sequoia: Amongst the bodies.
Kim: He’s clearly demonstrating his incompetence. She doesn’t even, like, try to like... be like, maybe I should Side-Along with you.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Nope. Bye.
Sequoia: Also, she’s actually Hermione. [Kim makes exasperated sound] Yeah.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Harry took one more look at the village before him, knowing that where he was going there would be many more in the same state. He sighed and Apparated. Harry appeared in front of the gloomy house. It looked just as it used to, dark. He walked up to the door, noticing Hermione already knocking. “Hermione, is that you?” he heard a frightened Mrs. Weasley ask cautiously.
Kim: [laughing] Oh, I thought Harry said that.
Sequoia: Like... like, Jesus, Harry. I was like…
Kim: You were with her.
Both: Two seconds ago. [they laugh]
Sequoia: “Yes it’s me, Molly, please open up,” Hermione said in a bored voice while rolling her eyes.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: She’s, like, already over the bodies.
Kim: What? [Sequoia laughs] Over this.
Sequoia: [in a bored tone] Oh yeah, it’s me, Molly, why would you even...
Both: Ask?
Sequoia: Or check. Also...
Kim: Why would anyone check who I am at any point?
Sequoia: [in her real voice] Harry didn’t even... nobody’s asking who I am.
Kim: [laughs] Fine.
Sequoia: They heard bolts unlock and the door opened, revealing a plump redhead.
Kim: No one would bother to impersonate Hermione. I think that’s what we’ve established.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: No one cares.
Sequoia: They’re just like, oh God, Hermione!
Kim: I don’t want to be that.
Sequoia: I’ll impersonate Ron. At least I can just eat all day.
Kim: [laughs] There is too much hair when I’m Hermione, it’s just everywhere.
Sequoia: Yeah, there is a lot of stuff going on. She saw Harry and embraced him in a huge hug. “Oh Harry, it is good to see you. We’ve all been so worried!” she told him.
Kim: Nobody went to check on him, though.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: They abandoned him in the shack for months and just were like, he’s probably fine.
Sequoia: They wrote him one letter.
Kim: One boring letter.
Sequoia: One boring letter. “Molly, we should really get inside,” Hermione said in the exact same bored voice.
Kim: My G...
Sequoia: What a bitch!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: She pried Mrs. Weasley away from Harry and they followed the brunette inside. Harry entered the large dining room, where five people sat around the table. Remus sat next to Tonks and she sat next to the skinny Mr. Weasley.
Kim: As opposed to…
Sequoia: As opposed to the…
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: The... yeah.
Kim: That’s three. Are we going to list the…?
Sequoia: Next to Mr. Weasley was Ginny, and standing in the corner was his grinning godfather. “Sirius!” Harry gasped. [both laugh] Like, he forgot that this was the thing he was obsessing about for two months.
Kim: Reading this one sentence so much that it lost all meaning.
Sequoia: Unable to believe his eyes. Standing there was his godfather, who he had mourned since he had fallen through the veil.
Kim: Why was he…? He should have stopped mourning months ago.
Sequoia: Yeah, wait a second.
Kim: Nope, fine, never mind.
Sequoia: He had never forgotten Sirius, not for one moment. “Good to see you mate. Did you miss me?” [Kim laughs] He grinned as he sat in the vacant seat next to Tonks.
Kim: While I was dead.
Sequoia: Yeah, you know? Harry followed soon and sat across from him, next to Ginny.
Kim: Ew.
Sequoia: “You don’t know how much we missed you,” he replied. Sirius grinned again. “Of course you did.” His face became serious. [Kim laughs]
Kim: No!
Sequoia: [also screams] What? [both laugh] Too good to be true.
Kim: [breathless] His face…
Sequoia: [still laughing] His face became serious!
Kim: No.
Sequoia: These are always better out loud. “I heard about Dumbledore. Don’t worry Harry, Snape will pay.”
Kim: Don’t worry, Harry, Dumbledore will come back to life too.
Sequoia: Yeah, don’t worry, no one’s dead. “How is that? It’s only Hermione and I going.”
Kim: Going what?
Sequoia: Going some… I don’t know, they’re going to… the plan… the... the plan.
Kim: Going to?
Sequoia: To… to complete the plan. Sirius smiled and looked at Hermione and then back at Harry. “Didn’t Hermione tell you? I’m coming too!” Harry’s mouth dropped. “You what?” “I’m coming, and so is Ginny. Since my name is cleared and Ginny’s ready for some revenge, we’ve decided to accompany you.”
Kim: His name is cleared?
Sequoia: Yeah, I know.
Kim: Where are they going?
Sequoia: “No,” said Harry flatly. “I can’t let you risk your life for me.” To his surprise Sirius grinned again. “Since when haven’t I risked my neck for you Harry?” This was true. [both laugh]
Kim: You know, fair.
Sequoia: Yeah, fair point.
Kim: Fair point.
Sequoia: Sirius risked his life in everything he had done for Harry. From going to the Ministry, to fighting Remus the werewolf back in third year, Sirius had been there for Harry.
Kim: I think that was… never mind.
Sequoia: Sure, yeah. “Okay, but I don’t think you should come, Ginny.” Ginny laughed “It doesn’t matter what you say Harry.” [both laugh again]
Kim: No one cares what you think, ‘cause you’re incompetent.
Sequoia: [fakes laughing] Ha ha ha Harry.
Kim: We locked you in a shack for several months, we don’t care about you.
Sequoia: We don’t need you. “They killed my brother.” Harry winced, but she took no notice “And I will not forget something like that.” Harry sighed. “Okay then.” Sirius rubbed his hands together. “Okay, now that that’s over we need to figure out how to work this. Where do we start?”
Kim: Work what? What is... what is happening? I am not following.
Sequoia: You are not prepared, okay?
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: “We have nothing.” Everyone looked at Hermione, but she just shrugged.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: “Dumbledore didn’t leave any information on the Horcruxes except telling Harry what ones he needed to look for. It isn’t enough.”
Kim: And Harry’s also not been looking.
Sequoia: Harry’s been doing nothing. “What do you suggest we do, then, Hermione?” Sirius asked her, apparently intrigued on what she was going to say. She took a deep breath. “There is a way. Do you remember how you told us Voldemort was once a young Tom Riddle living in an orphanage?”
Kim: Who told...? Who... who are they talking to?
Sequoia: Harry.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I assume.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Neville. [both laugh]
Kim: Where is Neville? Stories aren’t as good if they don’t have Neville in them.
Sequoia: “Yes, but what’s…?” Hermione stopped him. “I think we should go to the time when he was defenceless. If we undo everything from then [Kim gasps] all those people who died will be alive.”
Kim: This a fucking time travel story! I was so close.
Sequoia: You were so close, and I was like oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no.
Kim: Oh my God. [screams] No, this isn’t a time travel. Sequoia!
Sequoia: [singing voice] Time travel!
Kim: Oh my God, they’re gonna travel back to Hallowe’en 19… [mumbles] fucking God!
Sequoia: “We would come back to a changed future. No Death Eaters, your parents would be alive and you, Sirius, you would have never gone to Azkaban.” She paused, looking at him curiously. “But you do know what it means, don’t you?” [Kim sighs] “I think I do, Hermione. Is it that you would age being through time? Or would it be the part where I would have to put up with Wormtail?” Hermione smiled.
Kim: [dragging every word] What is happening?
Sequoia: I’m gonna read... okay, this is important. I’m gonna read that sentence again. “I think I do, Hermione. Is it that you would age being through time?”
Kim: [laughs] I do not understand what that means.
Sequoia: [laughs] Okay, okay, okay, just... just wait.
Kim: Are they gonna get stuck back in time and then they’re gonna have to relive the next fifty years?
Sequoia: No, no hold for the text.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Hermione smiled. “That would be both.” she turned to Harry. “That is the only down side, we would go in as seventeen and return being thirty.” [long pause] No explanation! [they burst into laughter]
Kim: Just... just...
Sequoia: Ridiculous.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Why? Harry stood up, drawing the attention of Remus and Tonks and the adult Weasleys.
Kim: Wait, wait, go back.
Both: Wait, wait, wait.
Kim: So Harry and Hermione are gonna come back thirty.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: And Sirius is gonna come back…?
Sequoia: Same.
Kim: Thirty as well?
Sequoia: Nope, same age.
Kim: [whispering] Same age. [laughs]
Sequoia: Same age. They are going to inexplicably age exactly thirteen years. [both laugh]
Kim: [still laughing] What about Ginny, is she gonna to age?
Sequoia: It… it appears no. [they’re still laughing]
Kim: This is so good. [still laughing] What is happening?
Sequoia: No, you don’t even know, you don’t even know, wait. Harry stood up, drawing the attention of Remus, Tonks and the adult Weasleys. “I don’t care. We do what we have to do. If that is what we must do to save the people we love, that is what we will do.” “I’m pleased to hear that. We’ll leave right away. I have the spell upstairs. We must do it quickly.”
Kim: Sp… sp… sp...
Sequoia: She’s got the time travel spell ready. It’s upstairs.
Kim: Sp… sp... spell?
Sequoia: The spell, the time travel spell.
Kim: That ages half of your party thirteen years?
Sequoia: Exactly thirteen years.
Kim: When you travel back in time, like, fifty years?
Sequoia: Yeah. “Are you sure, Hermione?” Oh, sorry, there was a… there was a... there’s some Xs for the passage of time.
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: “Are you sure, Hermione?” Harry asked her as they stood around in a circle, all four holding each other’s hands.
Kim: Oh okay.
Sequoia: “When have you ever doubted Hermione?” Ginny asked him. Harry smiled at her rubbing the top of her hand with his thumb. She smiled back at him. Are you ready for the spell?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: “Take us to a new time, the evil must be stopped, the war will fade but we shall not. Take us to a new time.” [both laugh] This is the spell.
Kim: It’s a good spell.
Sequoia: Very good.
Kim: It’s a good spell.
Sequoia: Harry listened to her chant that phrase over again. Nothing was happening. He had got his hopes up for...
Kim: Sunshine, daisies…
Both: Butter mellow. [both laugh]
Sequoia: He had got his hopes up for nothing. He heard Hermione say something else.
Kim: Fuck.
Sequoia: “Liber orbus, tempus bell.”
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: He felt an almighty lurch, like he was being pulled by a portkey. He wasn’t, though. He was being pulled through time. [both laugh again] He fell onto a patch of concrete, smacking his head hard. He got to his feet and looked around. He was standing on a Muggle pathway which… [laughing] I don’t know what the difference between the Muggle pathway and a wizard pathway is. Okay. [both laugh] He was standing on a Muggle pathway which connected to the buildings surrounding it.
Kim: As pathways do.
Sequoia: Yeah as, well, Muggle pathways. To his right was a small house looking building much smaller than the others. He heard a groan and made his way towards Ginny to help her up. After a few minutes they were all on their feet. “Okay, once he is dead the spell will be broken and we will go back home. I think you should do it, Harry.” Hermione told him. Of course he should fucking do it.
Kim: She’s gonna send… she’s sending Harry in to kill what I assume is, like, a ten year old.
Sequoia: Yeah. [Kim laughs] And, like... she’s like, well, I think you should do it. So why else would you have been keeping him safe in some little shack if he wasn’t supposed to do it?
Kim: Why… why… why have Harry at all?
Sequoia: Why? Why?
Kim: Anyone can kill a ten year old, it’s not that hard. [both laugh for a while]
Sequoia: No! Oh no! He straightened his shoulders and began to walk up the stairs, only to be stopped by a black hooded figure wearing a white mask. “Think you could get away with it, Potter?” the figure sneered, [Kim snorts] pulling his wand and aiming it at Harry.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: He could hear the others battling, but he took no notice. He had to get inside.
Kim: Battling who? What?
Sequoia: Is this one 100% Very Potter Musical on this? The Death Eaters also went back in time [Kim laughs] to the exact same day at the exact same time and are fighting them. He had to get inside and finish this once and for all. “Of course I did, but I didn’t think you would be dumb enough to follow me, Malfoy.”
Kim: Follow?
Sequoia: Harry growled. Harry growled again.
Kim: [laughing] Harry…
Sequoia: Malfoy laughed coldly. [pause] I was gonna try to laugh coldly and then I decided I really can’t do it.
Kim: Oh. I was looking what you were doing. [both laugh]
Sequoia: “It doesn’t matter. Your little friends will watch you die.”
[Kim laughs evilly]
[Sequoia laughs evilly]
Sequoia: “Then we will return and watch the rest of your pathetic Order die, just like Dumbledore.”
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “How dare you? You didn’t even kill Dumbledore. You chickened out. Some Death Eater you are,” Harry spat.
Kim: [laughing] This is some good taunting.
Sequoia: “You’re not worthy of standing near me.”
Kim: Who said that?
Sequoia: Harry.
Kim: Harry? What? You didn’t actually kill Dumbledore, so you can’t be near me.
Sequoia: So you can’t be near me.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: “Now move, I have somewhere to go.” “Not so fast, the fun is just beginning.” Malfoy laughed again. However, Harry had other ideas.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Other than taunting him. He ripped out his wand and cast a spell at him. Harry dived under his legs and jumped behind him, grabbing a fistful of cloak as he smashed his fist against his face.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Harry just punched him.
Kim: Harry is punching him in the face from behind?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He went underneath him.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Came up behind him.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Grabbed the back of his robes? And punched him in the face.
Sequoia: And then punched him in the face. Maybe we’re misunderstanding that again, we’re getting a lot of, like… [laughs]
Kim: Read it again, read it again.
Sequoia: He ripped out his wand and cast a spell.
Kim: Uh-huh.
Sequoia: We’re not sure who that he is.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Harry dived under his legs and jumped behind him. Okay, so that was Malfoy. Malfoy ripped out his wand and cast a spell. Harry dived under his legs and jumped behind him.
Kim: Uh-huh, uh-huh. I need a diagram.
Sequoia: He grabbed a fistful of cloak as he smashed his fist against his face. Yeah, no, I think we’re right. That didn’t make sense. Harry then ran quickly into the building to find the young Tom Riddle.
Kim: So, he punched Malfoy in the face and then he just kept running.
Sequoia: Malfoy was hot on his heels.
Kim: Oh okay.
Sequoia: So he’s still chasing him.
Kim: So he didn’t deal with Malfoy at all.
Sequoia: No, I think he’s just trying to get to Tom Riddle. He is like, I don’t even have to fight Malfoy. I just have to, like, evade him.
Kim: Uh-huh.
Sequoia: Until the spell is broken and I am back in my time but am inexplicably thirty.
Kim: As a thirty year old. Continue.
Sequoia: Harry dodged endless amounts of green lights that sent a cold wind as they sped straight past him. He turned the corner and stopped in front of a door with the name Tom Riddle written at the top. He thrust the door open and made his way through it, seeing a small, pale boy sleeping soundlessly on the bed below him. [Kim laughs] Harry slammed the door shut and locked the door with a spell he hoped Malfoy didn’t know.
Kim: Malfoy doesn’t know a lot of spells, it’s probably…
Sequoia: Yeah, Malfoy has no idea. He aimed his wand at the boy’s heart, but felt a wave of guilt pass over him.
Kim: Yeah, ‘cause it’s, like, a ten year old.
Sequoia: He was only an innocent boy. He hadn’t done any wrong yet.
Kim: Yet.
Sequoia: Then he remembered his parents, and what he heard when Dementors got close. The screaming. He also remembered Ron. If he did this, he would have him back. A loud bang on the door told Harry he didn’t have much time. He turned back to the sleeping boy. “I’m sorry.”
Kim: [laughs] Jesus. Oh my God. [both laugh] What?
Sequoia: He sighed before saying, “Avada Kedavra.”
Kim: I don’t…
Sequoia: The green erupted from his wand and everything went white.
Kim: I don’t think you can… You need, like, a lot of feeling behind the killing curse in order for it to work.
Sequoia: Yeah, any unforgivable curse needs...
Kim: You can’t power the killing curse with, hey, sucks to suck.
Sequoia: You can’t just… [fake sad voice] sorry.
Kim: Sorry I’m doing this. Bye, bud.
Sequoia: Sorry about that. Sorry about it.
Kim: I don’t think that would work.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Before he could realize what was happening, he hit the hard wood floors and heard three other bangs.
Kim: Bang. bang, bang.
Sequoia: Harry stood shakily and looked over at Hermione, jumping slightly at how much she had changed.
Kim: Wait, where? Oh. Oh, so they’re…
Sequoia: He killed the… so they’re back.
Kim: So they… okay.
Sequoia: And he’s looking at Hermione, and she’s changed ‘cause she’s thirty now.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Okay. Then he looked towards Ginny. She was more beautiful than ever. Maybe she did age.
Kim: So Ginny’s thirty too?
Sequoia: Maybe.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Harry?” she said as she stood. He rushed over and took her in his arms, embracing with the rest of his strength.
Kim: So…
Sequoia: Just give me a minute.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: “Oh Harry,” she whispered, hugging him even tighter. “Well, I guess that’s done now, isn’t it?”
Kim: So they’ve retained their memories. They’re all thirty.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: They’re back in their own time.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Harry let go of Ginny and looked at his godfather. He had not changed one bit.
Kim: [laughs] What the fuck? What the fuck?
Sequoia: Harry grinned. “I guess so. We’re the only ones who will remember.” “And that’s the way it will always be,” Hermione said, smiling at him. She watched as Harry and Ginny hugged once more. “You did well, Hermione.” Sirius nudged her. She looked up at him and smiled. She was no longer the teenager he knew. She was a woman.
Kim: [screaming] No, no, no!
Sequoia: She also believed that as a woman she had always loved Sirius Black.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: The end.
Kim: What? [Sequoia laughs] What? Where the fuck did that come from?
Sequoia: It came from nowhere, and also that was… it’s like the most elaborate set up of all time.
Kim: Just to get Hermione and Sirius to be the same age.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Why take Sirius back in time at all?
Sequoia: I don’t know.
[pause]
Kim: What? [laughing] I’m just, like, sitting here stunned, I don’t… I don’t know what to think, what to say, like... like… why did that happen?
Sequoia: It happened so that Hermione would age exactly thirteen years, because whoever wrote this decided that thirty was an acceptable age for her to be to date Sirius, who is the same age as he always was.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So they wrote that. And then…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ...didn’t follow it up with a bunch of Sirius/Hermione smut? Like, why?
Sequoia: [laughing] What’s the point? Yeah, there was, like, not even any pay-off.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: It was just, like…
Kim: Two sentences at the end.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: That are like, and then they looked at each other and were [incoherent noises] [Sequoia laughs] No? Is that not the noise? Is that not the noise that falling in love makes?
Sequoia: Uhm yeah, so your prediction that they would fight Malfoy is right.
Kim: [laughs] I got a point for that.
Sequoia: You got a point for that. [Kim keeps laughing] So…
Kim: I was so close to getting two!
Sequoia: You were so close.
Kim: I almost said time travel.
Sequoia: I was so mad. I was like, are you fucking kidding me? How the hell do you predict that?
Kim: [still laughing] Fight Malfoy.
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: As we were going through the story I was like, I think I’m gonna get zero points. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, Harry is punching Malfoy in the face. [both laugh]
Sequoia: In a different time.
Kim: Yeah. [laughs]
Sequoia: So…
Kim: Oh my God. So...
Sequoia: Yes so you’re four total points, right? Did you get one point for the first story?
Kim: No, I didn’t get any for that first one.
Sequoia: Right. Okay, good.
Kim: I was completely wrong. I had no idea what was happening. I wanna talk about time travel a little bit.
Sequoia: Yeah, so we’ll talk about fanfiction, and time travel, and the idea of time travel and how it works in the Harry Potter universe, and how it is flawed, and that kind of stuff.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We’ll do a little extra bit about that. That’ll be on our...
Both: Patreon.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh, a recommendation.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Give us something good, bud.
Sequoia: Okay. So, this is gonna sound weird, and, like, people probably won’t like it that much, but you know what? I’m just... it’s just gonna happen. There’s like… it’s like... it’s like a little… it’s called We’re Pleased to Inform You, and it’s about Draco.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Getting his Hogwarts letter.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: And it’s kinda out of character and, like, weird.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: And it’s just, like, weird family bonding.
Kim: Oh. And you enjoyed it?
Sequoia: And I liked it. Okay.
Kim: So thanks for listening to this podcast. This is the end of episode five, hope you enjoyed it.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: If you want to let us know any of your thoughts on this or any of our other episodes, or give us like feedback, or share your, just, general thoughts about fanfiction…
Sequoia: Yeah, just…
Kim: There are a ton of ways you can get in contact with us.
Sequoia: Please tweet at us. I really like Twitter and I wanna use it more, and so if you tweeted at us that would be good. I’m gonna post some, like, polls and stuff. We’re gonna post some… some stuff on Twitter.
Kim: Yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: Where you can be like, no, I like Dramione more than I like Drarry.
Kim: Yeah, I’d really like to get some feedback from people that are listening to this about what their thoughts are on fanfiction.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I wanna know what you guys like, so let us know.
Sequoia: Thanks to those… those of you who have left us reviews.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We’ve got three reviews on iTunes, so I just want to quickly…
Kim: As of this recording.
Sequoia: Yeah. As of recording this.
Kim: Yeah, we record a little bit in advance, so…
Sequoia: Yeah, so just, like, a quick shout out to Jennifer and Crystal and Harrison, thank you for leaving us reviews.
Kim: Yeah! And if you want to leave us a review, we would love to hear it. Or contact us on any of our social media, our handle on… We have a Facebook, an Instagram, a Twitter, our handle is FanaticalFics on those, or send us an email at fanaticalfics@gmail.com. You can also… we would strongly encourage you, if you have something that you feel like we need to see fanfictionwise, we have a form that you can submit stories to us and one of us will read them.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s in the description. Fill out the form. We don’t, like, guarantee that they’ll get on an episode, but we want to read what you think we should read.
Kim: Yes, send us something you think we need to see. Send Sequoia something disgusting.
Sequoia: Oh God. [Kim laughs] And check out our Patreon.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Do that.
Kim: Please.
Sequoia: Another Patreon plug. This is the fourth. [Kim laughs]
Kim: Our thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song. It’s their amazing song Wolfstar.
Sequoia: That’s a wrap. [Kim laughs] Seriously.
Kim: Oh my God, no.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: It’s over.
Kim: Cool cool cool.