Episode 44: Creeps
We really packed this one with Health and Lifestyle tips, so make sure to follow our suggestions to the letter!
Recommendation: Helping Hands
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2895767/1/Helping-Hands
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Scorpy
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: I take a lot of personality quizzes on Buzzfeed, because I am…
Sequoia: Trash.
Kim: Thank you. [both laugh] I was gonna say mid twenties person.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Who exists on the internet. But trash is good too. Trash is good too.
Sequoia: But also trash. Slash trash. Yeah.
Kim: This particular one that you found is I think the most accurate quiz I’ve ever taken.
Sequoia: Yeah. Ya know, I take a lot of Harry Potter based ones.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: Ya know, like house sorting da da da, because I just… I really want a Buzzfeed quiz to get to the bottom of who I am as a person. [laughs]
Kim: So that I can really hold a mirror up to me and just show me what I am, and this one really captured it, I think.
Sequoia: Yeah, I think it did.
Kim: I think… when I look in the mirror I do as a matter of fact see Dragus Malfilch, [Sequoia laughs] a horrifying amalgamation of Draco Malfoy and Argus Filch.
Sequoia: And when I look in the mirror I do see Dumbledobby, the horrifying amalgamation of Albus Dumbledore and Dobby. [Kim groans] Link in the description.
Kim: [Laugh] Please tweet your results at us.
Sequoia: [Laughing] Tweet. At. Us!
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction.
Sequoia: Mmmmmmmm. [laughs]
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Listen. I am unwell.
Kim: Okay, yeah. I feel like we should tell everyone. We’re recording Sunday.
Sequoia: It is. It’s Sunday. It is one forty pm currently, in our location.
Kim: Release date is…
Both: …tomorrow.
Sequoia: This goes out in [pause] less than twelve hours.
Kim: How are you doing? The reason we’re so late… how are… how…
Sequoia: How?
Kim: How are you, Sequoia?
Sequoia: I wish there was a Buzzfeed quiz to tell me how I am right now.
Kim: We don’t need a Buzzfeed quiz. You are unwell!
Sequoia: I am unwell.
Kim: You are not well.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Tell the listeners what you did. You yourself.
Sequoia: Okay, so here’s the…
Kim: On Monday…
Sequoia: Here’s the fuckin’ thing. [deep breath] I got a cough. Normal. Normal stuff.
Kim: Yeah, you have a cold.
Sequoia: People get…
Kim: You have a little bit of a cold.
Sequoia: Cold. I got a cold. Little bit of a coughing thing. I was coughing a lot, and somehow I coughed so hard whilst contorting my body in such a way [both laugh] that I… I pulled some kind of a something in my ribs. [Kim still laughing] And was virtually unable to move for multiple days.
Kim: [still laughing] I saw you on Tuesday and I hadn’t… I hadn’t heard that you had done this to yourself, and I… you were walking into the restaurant where we were all meeting up, and you were moving so slowly [Sequoia laughing] and with such a sad look on your face that I almost died of laughter. [both laugh]
Sequoia: That’s how all my… I could see them all. I could see all my friends sitting at the table in the restaurant waiting for me, and I had to slooooowly make my way…
Kim: Just hobbling.
Sequoia: Hobbling.
Kim: With this excruciatingly pained expression on your face, and it’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. [laughs]
Sequoia: They were ALL laughing at me. So mainly I just wanted you all to know the… this podcast is cancelled. One. [both laugh] And two, I… applications are going out for new friends. I… I am now…
Kim: We’re trying to be as supportive as we can.
Sequoia: But it’s insane. [Kim laughs] It’s just not… I just… who are we?
Kim: So anyway.
Sequoia: Anyway, so here we are.
Both: That’s your health and lifestyle tip!
Sequoia: Don’t…
Kim: Listeners.
Sequoia: …cough [pause] too hard. [both laugh] There ya go. [Kim laughs] There you goooo. Health and lifestyle tip. Amazing. Okay.
Kim: Oh my gooood. Someday you’ll be fine. That was a lie.
Sequoia: You know, that’s… that’s what I keep telling myself.
Kim: That was a comforting lie.
Sequoia: Thank you. Thank you for affirming that. So we had a couple of things we wanted to talk about…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …today.
Kim: Why not?
Sequoia: One.
Kim: It’s Starkid’s tenth anniversary.
Sequoia: Yes. Starkid. You know, some of the great… the greatest fanfic writers of our time. [Kim laughs] TBH. They did A Very Potter Musical.
Kim: Yes. A Very…
Sequoia: And subsequent Potter musicals.
Kim: The sequels. Yeah.
Sequoia: They are… they’re coming up on their ten year anniversary, which is crazy.
Kim: That is insane.
Sequoia: Makes me feel old.
Kim: [whispering] Jesus.
Sequoia: Yeah, right? So they are doing a Kickstarter to fundraise for their new musical about Black Friday.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And they are doing like a reunion concert where they do the Very Potter Musical stuff.
Kim: That’s awesome.
Sequoia: With like a bunch of the original cast.
Kim: [laughs] Look, we owe so much to, in particular…
Sequoia: Lauren Lopez.
Kim: Lauren Lopez’s [Sequoia laughs] Draco Malfoy…
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: …is the reason Draco is the way he is on our podcast.
Sequoia: Yeah. Lauren Lopez’s Draco Malfoy is like our guiding star.
Kim: Yup. [both laugh] Look, if I wasn’t connected to so many wires I would roll around on the floor [Sequoia laughs] every time I did it, just to evoke it better.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: If we could get like body mics I would do that.
Sequoia: Yeah, and then we’d get the carpet as you rolled in the body mic.
Kim: Mmm.
Sequoia: It would be a really pleasant sound. Well, you know what? We’ll have to… we’ll workshop that. We'll get that for you, listeners. [Kim laughs] Our main point here is to sort of make sure you know they have the…
Kim: Credit where credit’s due.
Sequoia: Credit where credit’s due. They’ve got a Kickstarter. We’ll put that in the description as well.
Kim: [Softly] Cool.
Sequoia: And speaking of the… of… of Draco.
Kim: No, there's… sure. Oh.
Both: Yeah.
Kim: Great segment!
Sequoia: Oh damn, I didnt even mean to do it.
Kim: Nice. That was a good segment.
Sequoia: That was good. Speaking of Draco.
Kim: It’s good that we point out what a good seg… segue it is.
Sequoia: [laughs] It’s a good bit. Wvery bit’s good. [both laugh] Our… we had a Draco love, Dromance t-shirt.
Kim: That we released when we had like ten listeners, because we wanted t-shirts.
Sequoia: Yeah, we wanted t-shirts. That's how… that's how most of the merch has been born thus far.
Kim: [laughs] But now we have more than ten listeners, so we thought that if you guys want a sweet t-shirt we should give you the opportunity to have that.
Sequoia: Yeah, so we’re gonna do another run of those, so keep out… keep an eye out for them. We had a couple left over, and they got bought up…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …so we’re just like totally out now. So we’re gonna be doing another Dramione, Drarry, Dron, Drinny…
Kim: T-shirt.
Sequoia: …t-shirt. Great.
Kim: Thing.
Sequoia: Speaking of our wonderful listeners, and…
Kim: Wonderful listeners. There's so many of them.
Sequoia: There's so many now! We’ve got some shout outs to do.
Kim: Yes we do!
Sequoia: I’ll start us off.
Kim: Go ahead.
Sequoia: All right. Shout out to Cassidy, who enjoys that we have guests on sporadically, which is the nicest… [both laugh] which is the nicest way anyone has ever asked if we know when our next guest will be on. [both laugh]
Kim: Yeah. Okay. Shout out to ET.TB, who says that we are comedy gold, and I hope that this means my comedy medal is in the mail.
Sequoia: [laughs] It is. I got one for you.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Shout out to Gaz, who says, and I quote, “This is a perfect storm of rambling chat, comedy, and hysterical inventive tales of why Draco is a sex god, why Harry is always so dumb, and what is Ron about to eat.” [Kim laughs] And that is the new bio for our podcast. Thank you.
Kim: Yeah, that was really good.
Sequoia: [laughs] Right?
Kim: Shout out to Cauldron Cakes and Wine, who say they love listening to the podcast. They’re one of those drunk reread podcasts, which is always super fun. Why don’t we drink more wine?
Sequoia: Great question. [Kim laughs] [yelling] GO GET THE WINE! [laughs]
Kim: Ohh the wine! I dont know. Yesterday when I drank a lot of wine I started flossing, so…
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh yeah, no! [both laugh] Shout out to Raven Pendragon, who listens and relistens almost every day. Thank you, and are you okay?
Kim: [laughs] Shout out to Sammertt, who complimented my voices and Sequoia’s unique and awesome laugh, which is super nice. They also mention they are on their way to the points moon!
Sequoia: To the points moon! Shout out to Jipjapjapejeep [both laugh] who called… I practiced that. Who called this podcast pure joy, and I say to you, no, you’re pure joy.
Kim: Ugh, gross. [Sequoia laughs] Shout out to Ash Ravenpuff, who says they comment out loud while listening, which is such a funny coincidence, because I do that too! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Shout out to Charlie-the-best-weasley, who has never been into fanfiction, and I live for these reviews because we have another convert AND it’s the best Weasley.
Kim: [laughs] Shout out to… [whispering] oh shit. Shout out to Ehanusk who says we leave them and their sister with tears of laughter every time they listen, which has been my goal all along.
Sequoia: Oh good. Tears.
Kim: Tears. Sobbing. If I dont leave you sobbing have I accomplished my goal? No.
Sequoia: What is…
Kim: Sob. Start sobbing more.
Sequoia: …the point? [laughs]
Kim: Sequoia. Time to cry.
Sequoia: I’m in. I’m ready.
Kim: All right, thank you for all of those lovely reviews, and they keep coming in and we will continue to shout them out.
Sequoia: So we’ve got another couple of…
Kim: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: …shout outish type things to deal with.
Kim: Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Sequoia: Often times we say, hey, tweet at us to say… or we… yeah. You know.
Kim: Right.
Sequoia: We shout out to you, and then you guys shout back to us, and then we forget what's happening…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …in the podcast…
Kim: Every time.
Sequoia: …that we record…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: …and run. So.
Kim: So in summary, we have our carrot length.
Sequoia: [laughing] We have! We have. [both laugh]
Kim: We asked, and you responded with some numbers. We averaged them together. Sequoia and I also attempted this.
Sequoia: We did the carrots.
Kim: Yeah, so we have our times averaged with a couple listener times, and the number we’ve arrived at for how long a carrot would need to be for it to take you an hour to eat it [Sequoia laughs] is approximately two hundred and forty centimeters, or seven feet ten inches. [both laugh]
Sequoia: That’s amazing! [Kim laughs louder] That’s… that’s amazing, that we as a collective, as together, we have really gotten to the root… [laughs]
Kim: Fuck you. [Sequoia laughs] Oh my god.
Sequoia: Oh man! Didn't even mean to do that one!
Kim: Jesus Christ!
Sequoia: I’m just gonna pat myself on the back real quick. if you could just give me a…
Kim: Don't hurt yourself.
Sequoia: Just give me a… oh.
Kim: No. Oh.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Oh, it’s so slow.
Sequoia: Oh god. Oh! There we go.
Kim: Oh, that’s a…
Sequoia: One pat.
Kim: Okay? Whew.
Sequoia: Two pats!
Kim: Woowwww. [both laugh] In that same episode, we also demanded to know what Ron and Harry’s jobs would be in this insane romcom world.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: We got a couple answers. So Allie on Twitter said that Ron is a Starbucks screenwriter and Harry is a wealthy cosmetic surgeon.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: [laughs] And then Rebecca, also on Twitter, said that Ron is running a surf shop on Venice Beach and Harry is a tour guide on one of those celebrity house bus tours.
Sequoia: And I buy all of those things! Yes!
Kim: Yeah! The thing the thing about that fuckin’ fanfic is that ANY job you had said for Harry and Ron would have made sense.
Sequoia: Exactly! We… in the world of Pocket Change… [both laugh]
Kim: [bad British accent] You can be whatever you want to be.
Sequoia: Whatevah! Great.
Kim: So…
Sequoia: That’s…
Kim: Thank you so much for indulging our idiocy.
Sequoia: Yeah! We have fun being idiots.
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: At you.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And speaking of being idiots…
Kim: [groans] Oh, Jesus Christ.
Sequoia: …at you, it’s time for predictions.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Make sure to tweet your predictions at us. Do @ us. Hashtag…
Kim: Keep shooting for that points moon.
Sequoia: …fanfic defin… divination. The points moon is within everyone's reach.
Kim: #FanficDivination. #PointsMoon. #SomebodyHelpMe.
Sequoia: [coughs] [laughs] Okay. Kim.
Kim: [small voice] Yeah? I just… I feel so defeated.
Sequoia: You look sad, which, like…
Kim: I… I… I was ahead so long, and now that I’m behind it just feels so bad.
Sequoia: Welcome! [Kim laughs] Welcome to the first like fucking year of the goddamn podcast! [both laugh] I don’t feel bad for you. Look at me.
Kim: I haven’t scored a point innnnn…
Sequoia: Great question.
Kim: I don’t know how long, but it's been a very long time.
Sequoia: Greaaaat question. It's been a loooooong time.
Kim: Can you give me something a little easier today?
Sequoia: Sure!
Kim: That’s a lie. ‘Kay. Fine. Give me the information that I get.
Sequoia: [laughs] Great. So this story is called Creeps.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: It is romance/humor.
Kim: Fuck you.
Sequoia: [laughs] And it came out um after the release of Order of The Phoenix.
Kim: [sighs] [whispering] Post Order of The Phoenix. Okay.
Sequoia: Like, right.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Post…
Kim: Niiiice. Like, they read Order of The Phoenix and then just had to get this out of themselves.
Sequoia: Yeah! Yeah.
Kim: Niiiiiceee. Creeps. [whispering] Fuck. Shit. Fuckin’ shit. What?
Sequoia: Think of like… but like really internalize the ti… I think you can get something out of the title.
Kim: Okay. I think it's like a stalker situation.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: Somebody is stalking someone else.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Ummm…. buh buh buh… the relationship. I hate… I hate trying to guess the relationship.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It’s Dramione.
Sequoia: Okay. [both laugh]
Kim: Stalking situation, Dramione. I don’t know that those fit together, but i'm guessing both of them anyway.
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s more of a Drarry.
Kim: Yeah. And I’m gonna guess that a character gets in trouble with a professor.
Sequoia: With a professor?
Kim: Like a professor catches a stu… you know.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay. Yeyeyeah.
Kim: Like, you’re in detention!
Sequoia: We’ll talk about that.
Kim: Okay. Oh, wow, I got a… [Sequoia laughs] I got a, we’ll have to talk about that? I can… I can refine that a little bit. Let me… let me think.
Sequoia: No! No, no, don’t do it.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I’m tryin’ to help you. [both laugh]
Kim: Look, I just dont deserve it.
Sequoia: You just look so sad.
Kim: I don’t deserve your help. [Sequoia laughs] [Kim sighs]
Sequoia: Amazing. Okay, this is [whispering] Creeps. Gregory Goyle wandered the halls at night.
Kim: [yelling] GREG! [both laugh] [whispering] Nice.
Sequoia: Greg is…
Kim: Present.
Sequoia: …here! [laughs]
Kim: Exciting for me.
Sequoia: It’s gonna… [laughs] yeah, I know. I know.
Kim: I like Greg.
Sequoia: I find these things for you.
Kim: I like Greg. I like Vinny. [Sequoia laughs] My two buddies, Greg and Vinny.
Sequoia: He was surprisingly successful at this endeavor.
Kim: Nope. He was not. Have you seen him? He is as large as the sun. [Sequoia laughs] He’s not… boy’s not sneakin’ anywhere.
Sequoia: He’s very sneaky.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: He tiptoes. [Kim snorts] Lightly [Kim laughs] Across the… no? Okay. Having only been caught three times [Kim laughs] in his six years at Hogwarts.
Kim: Oh. I thought they meant like tonight.
Sequoia: Tonight.
Kim: Oh, I’ve only been caught three times tonight. [both laugh]
Sequoia: That would have been great! [Kim still laughing] Every time they’re like, ugh, god, Greg.
Kim: Greeeeg go to bed!
Sequoia: Can you please not?
Kim: Stomp so much.
Sequoia: [laughs] He’s walking straight past like some professor’s office where there’s like the dim glow of candlelight…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …is coming out.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And he’s like, but if I tiptoe real quietly.
Kim: Stomp, stomp, stomp. [both laugh]
Sequoia: All three times had resulted in detentions…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: …horrible enough he was grateful that whatever deity had it in its divine head that he ought to be watched over. Tonight, though, he was frantically trying to find a place to duck away and hide. [both laugh]
Kim: Oh god! Awesome. What?
Sequoia: Tonight he was like, ah, yes.
Kim: I couldn’t…
Sequoia: I’ve never been caught except those…
Both: …three times!
Kim: And now he’s like…
Sequoia: And maybe right now.
Kim: …stomping down the hallway [Sequoia laughing] running as fast as he can. Awesome. Good.
Sequoia: He heard the unmistakable shuffling footsteps of Filch approaching down the dark corridor.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: And he really, really didn’t want to be on the receiving end of one of Filch’s, “Back in the day…” [Kim laughs] stories of masochistic delight.
Kim: He likes hearing those stories, but he doesn’t like being on the receiving end.
Sequoia: Yeah. He… well, he’s sneaking in the night. I th… I imagine Filch walks around the castle monologuing. [laughs]
Kim: Soliloqui… solilo…
Sequoia: Sol… wait.
Kim: I can’t say that word
Sequoia: S… wh… what are you trying to say?
Both: Soliloquizing?
Kim: Sililoquating?
Sequoia: Ss… solil…
Kim: That’s not a fucking word.
Sequoia: [takes a big breath] Tweet at uuuus! [laughs]
Kim: Colin will, though! Jesus!
Sequoia: [laughs] [singsongy] Colin, tweet at us! [Kim laughs] He spotted a door, and he quickly ran into it before he’d even processed where he was going.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Once inside, though, he realized his mistake.
Kim: Uh oh. Did he walk in on somethin’ gross? Or is he in the third floor corridor on the left hand side, if you know what I'm saying.
Sequoia: If you… you know what I’m saying?
Kim: Ya know what I’m saying.
Both: Stupid! [both laugh]
Sequoia: This was the girls bathroom that was haunted…
Kim: Ohhh!
Sequoia: …by Moaning Myrtle…
Kim: Ohhhh!
Sequoia: …and housed the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets.
Kim: Okay, fine.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay, fine?
Kim: Well, I’m not sure that Greg would know about it being the entrance to the Chamber. I guess maybe everyone knows now.
Sequoia: Yeah, this is post Order of The Phoenix.
Kim: [softly] Yeah.
Sequoia: You know, when the… Dumbledore says that nobody should know about it, so now naturally everyone knows?
Kim: Yeah I guess that… that happens about pretty much anything.
Sequoia: That’s like the Hogwarts mantra.
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh] Nobody knows, everyone knows.
Sequoia: Everyone knows.
Kim: I’m excited to get some Myrtle time.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Girl’s crazy.
Sequoia: Crazy… awesome! [both laugh] He considered running back out into Filch’s grasp.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But quickly changed his mind as he thought of the smelly work that would be sure to follow such an action.
Kim: I feel like Greg and Vinny most often get lines, because that’s the most painful thing for them. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my god!
Kim: Ya burnt!
Sequoia: Rude! He looked around the bathroom and was relieved to see no basilisks or morose ghosts. [Kim laugh] What did he think?
Kim: Why would there be a basilisk? [Sequoia laughs] Greg!
Sequoia: He’s like, nobody goes in there because the basilisk is still there, right? [Kim laughs] Right guys? And Draco’s like…
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Yesss.
Kim: Fiiine.
Sequoia: Fine, suuure, Goyle. [Kim laughs] He sank down onto the floor against the door, and listened.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Filch was murmuring to that [Kim laugh] creepy cat of his.
Kim: He is monologuing!
Sequoia: He is!
Kim: Nice!
Sequoia: [laughs] Supported by the text!
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: And he sounded close. Goyle stayed as silent as possible, [Kim laughs] willing Filch to go search some other part of the school. [high pitched nasal voice, used for Myrtle throughout] “What are you doing here?”
Kim: [whispering] Nice voice.
Sequoia: Thank you. I tried. [both laugh] Goyle gasped, startled, as he looked round for the source of the words. He didn’t have to look for too long, as it was impossible not to notice the ghostly face a few feet to his left.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: He had never seen this spirit before, but she was undoubtedly Moaning Myrtle…
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: …even if she wasn’t currently moaning.
Kim: Moaning a little bit. [both make whiny noises]
Sequoia: Yeah. “Shhh!” he hissed at her, leaning at the door. Had Filch heard her? [croaky voice] “Stay here, my sweet, while I look for the troublemakers elsewhere.”
Kim: Hah! Greg’s so fucked!
Sequoia: [laughs] You can’t get away from Mrs. Norris.
Kim: No. She can smell you.
Sequoia: [laughs] She also just doesn’t wanna go into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, though.
Kim: Yeah, she’s got some PTSD with this particular part of the castle.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I would guess.
Sequoia: Basilisk.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Also Moaning Myrtle.
Kim: Yeah nobod… everybody is like, fuck that.
Sequoia: He heard Filch say, and then slowly shuffle off. away from the bathroom. He hadn't heard! [Kim laughs softly] “Were you trying to get me caught?” he snapped at the ghost, who was hovering nearby. “Well,” replied Moaning Myrtle. “Maybe.” [both laugh]
Kim: She just fucking sucks so much.
Sequoia: “Why? I've never done anything to you!” Goyle said. Moaning Myrtle looked slightly taken aback, but then quickly straightened up and flew around the room once more. [Kim chokes a laugh] “HOW DARE YOU?” [both laugh] He’s like, I've never done anything to you, and she was like…
Kim: [high pitched whiny voice] But why wouldn't you do things to meee?!
Sequoia: How dare you even!? [Kim laugh] Goyle motioned for her to be quiet, not knowing whether Filch was out of hearing range yet.
Kim: I mean, she just makes shitty noises in the ba… [Sequoia laughs] okay, not shit. Let me rephrase that! She just makes weird noises in the bathroom all the time. I feel like Moaning Myrtle making weird noises in the bathroom isn't out of the ordinary.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Not worth investigating.
Sequoia: But, like, Moaning Myrtle normal noises are like weeping. [Kim fake cries] Yeah. [laughs] But like saying [ghostly voice] how dare you! to… like, that's a little bit more pointed.
Kim: Ugh, fine.
Sequoia: Especially if he's looking for someone actively.
Kim: I don't think he is, though. It doesn't seem like he's chasing Goyle.
Sequoia: Well, he told Mrs. Norris to stand guard.
Kim: Hmmm.
Sequoia: Somehow. Or stay there. Or…
Kim: Hang out.
Sequoia: Hang out
Kim: I don't know. Okay, fine. Continue.
Sequoia: Goyle motioned for her to be quiet, not knowing whether Filch was out of hearing range yet.
Kim: Cat’s not.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, cat’s like…
Kim: Greg.
Sequoia: …ehh whatever. Moaning Myrtle ignored him and continued louder than before. [Kim laughs] “Do you know what kind of misery it is being dead?” [both laugh]
Kim: Noice.
Sequoia: “No” replied Goyle. “I’m alive.”
Kim: Ooph.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: Never say that…
Sequoia: Damn.
Kim: …to Myrtle.
Sequoia: You've clearly never met [pause] Myrtle!
Kim: That's exactly the wrong… you never say alive. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Never talk about being alive. [Kim laughs] Or anyone who is alive. What it's like to eat food? [both laugh] “Of all the insensitive things to say!” Moaning Myrtle managed to gasp and shriek simultaneously [Kim laughs] “Next thing you'll be telling me that it can't all be that bad, or to cheer up, things can't get worse. Something horrid like that!”
Kim: [mumbling] I mean they cant get worse. You're dead.
Sequoia: Yeah they really can't, kid. I don't know. Didn't something happen to a… the basilisk…
Kim: Yeah, but the basilisk is dead.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's true. It can’t get worse! [laugh] “Things can't get worse! Or something horrid like that!” “Actually, I was gonna say to shut up,” [Kim laughs] Goyle said. Moaning Myrtle looked aghast. “Ohhhhh woe is me!” [both laugh]
Kim: They really captured her voice. [Sequoia laughs] Although her voice is not hard to capture.
Sequoia: Nope. It's actually… it’s just, oh, woe is me, but said…
Kim: But repeated that a few times.
Sequoia: Yeah. Mhm.
Kim: In slightly different wordings. Yeah.
Sequoia: Exactly.
Kim: Yeah, that'll do it.
Sequoia: With a dramatic sweep around the bathroom… [Kim laughs] always with a dramatic sweep around the bathroom.
Kim: Yeah. Right.
Sequoia: [breathes deeply] “This neanderthal has no respect for the dead!” [Kim laughs] “Leave! Leave!” [both laugh] “I can’t until I’m sure Filch’s cat is gone,” replied Goyle, listening at the door again. “LEEEEAVE!” [both laugh, at length]
Kim: Oooh, yees!
Sequoia: Moaning Myrtle bellowed. “I can’t,” Goyle said.
Kim: Hmm.
Sequoia: “Have you listened to a word I've said?”
Kim: She heard alive.
Sequoia: And…
Kim: That’s it. That's all she heard.
Sequoia: …shut up.
Kim: Mmm. Yeah, okay.
Sequoia: She heard alive and shut up.
Kim: Yep. [laughs]
Sequoia: “Yes! All those spiteful words you hurled at me just because you're happy and alive and you can!” [both laugh]
Kim: Spiteful words. [mumble] I don't think he really says… fine.
Sequoia: Nope. Just… he’s just being… he’s just being Greg. He’s just trying to hide.
Kim: I feel like this is the most Greg has ever talked out loud.
Sequoia: Ever?
Kim: Ever.
Sequoia: In his whole life?
Kim: In his whole life.
Sequoia: To a ghost.
Kim: This is the most words he's ever said [Sequoia laughs] at once.
Sequoia: He’s just trying to get her to shut up!
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: “I look happy?” Goyle said [Kim laughs] amazed. “Did dying somehow affect your eyes?” Moaning Myrtle let out an indignant sob. [sobs] “You insensitive clout!” Goyle just turned his back on her, and tried again to see if he could hear that demon cat prowling around.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: [sighs] “Do you think you could look out there and see if the cat’s still there?” he asked, after a few unsuccessful minutes of listening.
Kim: Mhm. Fair.
Sequoia: “Do you think I'm going to do you any favors? You're dumber than you look.”
Kim: Ahah got ‘im.
Sequoia: [laughs] He does look happy, though.
Kim: No he doesn't.
Sequoia: Happy and dumb.
Kim: [mumbling] No, he doesn't.
Sequoia: [laughs] Moaning Myrtle said, with an unnecessary huff. “If you look, I’ll leave,” he said pleadingly. He had to get out of this damn bathroom and stay away from this maniac ghost.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He definitely appreciated the Bloody Baron's stoic nature a lot more now. Moaning Myrtle eyed him warily. “Is this a trick?”
Kim: No! [both laugh] In no way.
Sequoia: Why…
Kim: He said what he wanted.
Sequoia: …would he…
Kim: No one wants to hang out…
Sequoia: …trick…
Kim: …with you. You told him to leave.
Sequoia: [laughs] You told him to leave several times. [both laugh]
Kim: He’s trying to do that. Yes, it's a trick.
Sequoia: “What? Goyle couldn't believe it. She was a paranoid, maniac, dead girl. What luck to end up stuck in a bathroom with her. “You're dead! [Kim laughs] What could I possibly do to you?” [laughs]
Kim: Exactly! Man, he's being so reasonable and talkative.
Sequoia: Listen, this is… this is a whole new Greg
Kim: I guess he's by himself. Maybe this is just how Greg is when he's by himself.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: [singing] He's a whole new Greeeeg! [laughs]
Kim: Oooph.
Sequoia: No? No?
Kim: Oooph. Ooph! I’m uncomfortable!
Sequoia: [laughs] Look at me!
Kim: I’m not looking at you.
Sequoia: “You might…” A thoughtful pause. “You might make fun of me. Humiliate me.” “You live in a toilet!” [both laugh]
Kim: Oh! Got ‘em!
Sequoia: Oh man, he's really on. He’s really on.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: He's coming at her.
Kim: It's a shame that Draco never lets him release this… this stuff. He's got some good material.
Sequoia: He's got better material than Draco.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: [laughing] He only goes into Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom, and he's like, [high pitched drawling voice] you're poor! [both laugh]
Kim: She's like, what? I’m a ghost. [both laugh]
Sequoia: “You live in a toilet,” Goyle said flatly. “What could I possibly do to you that would cause you more humiliation than that?” [Kim laugh] “There's nothing wrong with living in a toilet!” Moaning Myrtle exclaimed. “It's nice in the summer!” [both laugh]
Kim: Whaaaat?
Sequoia: What is different about the toilets in the summer?
Kim: No one uses it!
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh, I guess. I guess no one’s there! [both keep laughing helplessly] Whos using Myrtle’s toilet? That’s rude!
Kim: Sometimes stuff gets flushed onto her
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Ginny did.
Sequoia: I guess…
Kim: At least once.
Sequoia: That's true. [snickers] At least once. No one even t… no one even goes in that bathroom at all during the school year anyway. No one’s there.
Kim: They don't.
Sequoia: It's the same! [laughs]
Kim: You only go in that bathroom if you are desperate.
Sequoia: If you are hiding from a cat.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: “It's disgusting!” countered Goyle. “Even I think the idea is revolting!” [both laugh]
Kim: Self burn! Nice.
Sequoia: It's just like, why would you say that? [both laugh]
Kim: She doesn't know you! You can pretend like you’re cool!
Sequoia: Yeah I feel like… I feel like those lines are usually followed up with something else too. Like, you’re like, even I think that idea is revolting and I…
Kim: Eat… boogers.
Sequoia: Eat boogers! [both laugh]
Kim: I don't know, man.
Sequoia: Yeah, there's no follow up. He just says, even I think that idea is revolting. [both laugh] And she's just supposed to glean from…
Kim: Something.
Sequoia: Whatever is…
Kim: Something. [both still laughing]
Sequoia: “Well, it's not like i have a body to get dirty,” Moaning Myrtle said.
Kim: True.
Sequoia: Her voice slipping into its distinct pity me tone. Which I think it’s always in, actually.
Kim: Yep. Always in that.
Sequoia: Her voice is just… that’s how…
Kim: Always. That's how she sounds.
Sequoia: …she talks. “And no one cares that I live here.” [Kim laughs] “I've never been invited to the other ghosts’ quarters, you know.”
Kim: You got invited to the party.
Sequoia: She went to the the…
Both: …Deathday party.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: I don’t think ghosts have quarters. [pause] They just…
Sequoia: They don't…
Kim: …hang out wherever they want to.
Sequoia: …sleep, right?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: It's not like you just…
Kim: No.
Sequoia: You just ghost about.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Ghostily.
Kim: I don't think they have ghost rooms.
Sequoia: Do they have…
Both: …ghost rooms?! [both laugh]
Kim: We don't actually see where Nick hangs out when he's not… when he’s…
Sequoia: No, ‘cause he just like comes…
Kim: Harry like finds him in the hallway.
Sequoia: ...through a wall, and…
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: …then he's there.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I don't know. Maybe Professor Binns does, because he had teacher quarters.
Kim: ‘Cause he would… yeah, he would have his old room because he still thinks that he’s… he hasn't noticed he's dead.
Sequoia: Canon. Yeah.
Kim: He just continuously lived his life.
Sequoia: He does not know.
Kim: Yeah, but everybody else.
Sequoia: Did he not sleep before? [both laugh]
Sequoia: This is… I have a lot of ghost questions.
Kim: Suddenly.
Sequoia: [laughs] “I’ve never been invited to the other ghosts’ quarters, you know. Even Sir Nicholas doesn't like me, and he even likes that Harry Potter brat.” [both laugh]
Kim: Myrtle, you are obsessed with Harry!
Sequoia: You are…
Kim: Come on!
Sequoia: …in love with Harry.
Kim: What are you talking about? I feel like the Fat Friar would be the one that you would be like, even the Fat Friar hates me, because Nick… Nick is just Nick. Who cares?
Sequoia: Right. The Fat Friar, the…
Kim: Nice one.
Sequoia: …Hufflepuff ghost.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He's the…
Sequoia: If he…
Both: …hates you.
Kim: That’s… sucks to suck.
Sequoia: Or you could be like, the Bloody Baron likes me. [both laugh]
Kim: The Bloody Baron definitely does not like her.
Sequoia: No. Or anyone. This is post Order of The Phoenix, so has Harry recently done something to piss her off?
Kim: Is she in Order of The Phoenix? I don't remember.
Sequoia: I don't know. I don’t know.
Kim: I don't remember,
Sequoia: I don't remember either.
Kim: He did tell her to stop watching him in the bathtub, in the fourth book.
Sequoia: And you would think maybe she would let go of that, but what else has she got to do?
Kim: Yeah, I can see her being salty about that.
Sequoia: Yeah,she's just still salty about that.
Kim: About being called out for creepin’.
Sequoia: Creepsss.
Kim: Hmmm.
Sequoia: Creeeeeeps. Anyway. [both laugh]
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: She took on a decidedly bitter tone when she mentioned Harry Potter. “Wait, you don’t like Harry Potter either?” [both laugh]
Kim: I was just tr… this story is tagged romance. When is the romance gonna… oh no.
Sequoia: Oh yeahh.
Kim: Oh shit.
Sequoia: Oh, you also hate Harry Potter?
Kim: What the fuck?
Sequoia: I've never spoken this much in my life! [both laugh] Goyle said wonderingly. “I thought everyone outside Slytherin adored him.” “I was very nice to him.”
Kim: No.
Sequoia: “I’ll have you know. He treated me like a naughty puppy.” [both splutter laugh] That made me uncomfortable!
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: To say! [laughs]
Kim: Yaaaas! Weird.
Sequoia: Naughty puppy. “Always shooing me off and acting like I was subhuman.”
Kim: I mean, you watched him…
Both: …in the bathtub!
Kim: Myrtle! [Sequoia laughs] Not cool. Not just Harry, too.
Sequoia: Nah, she always in there, man. [laughs]
Kim: She's… yup. Gross.
Sequoia: Groooss creepin’.
Kim: Keep it together, Myrtle.
Sequoia: “But I have feelings too, you know!” “I know you have feelings,” Goyle said.
Kim: [whispering] What?
Sequoia: [laughing] It's… just… just let it happen [both laugh]
Kim: There is no reason for this to be happening.
Sequoia: Just let it happen!
Kim: Ugh, fucking fiiiiine.
Sequoia: I’m gonna do that one line again, because I… it's important that it flows together.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: “I know you have feelings” Goyle said. “You haven't stopped expressing them since I got here.” [laughs]
Kim: [splutters] That's… that's one way to say that.
Sequoia: He tactfully decided not to mention that her ghost status did in fact make her technically subhuman. [both laugh]
Kim: Wow, that’s a hot take, Goyle!
Sequoia: Wow, just like, oh, shit, dude!
Kim: Woweee!
Sequoia: Lots of tact. Good on the tact decided not to mention that, but…
Kim: Goyle is not the person i would think of when i think of tact.
Sequoia: Tact not… not really a number one in the character description.
Kim: Although he’s… he’s… he’s never said anything.
Sequoia: Myrtle looked like she wanted to burst into tears again. Which she always looks like.
Kim: Always looks like that.
Sequoia: Goyle briefly wondered how ghosts could cry, since they weren't tangible at all.
Kim: That's a good question, Goyle. How can ghosts cry?
Sequoia: How can ghosts cry?
Kim: She produces tears.
Sequoia: She does. She cries.
Kim: How do ghosts work? [Sequoia laughs] Do you think that's why she spends so much time in the toilet? Like she can… kind of absorbs all the essence of water in order to cry it out later?
Sequoia: [laughs] So if she spends too much time out of the toilet…
Kim: Then she can't cry any more.
Sequoia: …then she can’t cry.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So nice in the summer. The toilet. [both laugh]
Kim: Weird.
Sequoia: “But Harry Potter still treated me like dirt.” “He does that to everyone that way, don't worry,” Goyle said.
Kim: [laughs] Yup. You know Harry, treatin’ people like dirt.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, left and right.
Kim: All the time. That's Harry, all right.
Sequoia: “He thinks I'm just a crony of Draco’s.”
Kim: You are.
Sequoia: “And acts like I’m wallpaper.”
Kim: You are.
Sequoia: “Or something.”
Kim: Correct.
Sequoia: [laughing] When there are confrontations. Wow, wallpaper? [laughs]
Kim: I mean he's really huge wallpaper. [Sequoia laughs] But what has Goyle ever done?
Sequoia: He’s the sun!
Kim: What has he ever done?
Sequoia: I think he beat up Ron once.
Kim: Who hasn't done that?
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I see that. “He treats most people bad when you get down to it. I don't even get insulted properly.”
Kim: [laughs] You're nothing, Goyle.
Sequoia: Wallpaper.
Kim: You are nothing.
Sequoia: [laughs] “Really?” Myrtle said, looking surprised. “It isn't just me?” “Nope,” Goyle replied. Myrtle hovered there for a moment, and then said thoughtfully, “You know, I even fancied him for a bit.”
Kim: We know. We’re well aware.
Sequoia: [laughing] Did you?
Kim: You pervert.
Sequoia: Did you, Myrtle? [both laugh] “A lot of people do,” Goyle said. “Crabbe had the biggest crush on him in fourth year.” [both laugh]
Kim: YESSSS! Okay, thank youuuuu! [Sequoia still laughing] Oh my gosh, yes. I just… I just wanna… I just wanna savor that for a second.
Sequoia: Yeah i'll let you sit with that for a second
Kim: And think about Vinny. [pause] [Sequoia laughs] Nice. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: I wanna read that.
Sequoia: “Crabbe had the biggest crush on him fourth year, and the blockhead never noticed.” [both laugh] Oh no. What was Crabbe doing?
Kim: Nothing!
Sequoia: To make that noticeable?
Kim: Somethin’. Something… something that Greg saw. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Something that Greg noticed that no one else would notice because no one is looking at them!
Kim: Nope. Not even Draco. Especially not Draco.
Sequoia: “He's a very naive boy,” Myrtle agreed.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: ”One time i was watching him [starting to laugh] in the bathroom.” [both laugh, at length]
Kim: MYRTLE! Don’t watch people in the bathroom!
Sequoia: “I don't wanna hear about it,” Goyle interrupted immediately. “It wasnt going to be anything naughty, you dirty boy.” [laughing] Myrtle!
Kim: Wasn’t it though, Myrtlllle?
Sequoia: Myrtllle. It was, Myrtle.
Kim: Myrtlllle.
Sequoia: It was.
Kim: Don't watch people [Sequoia laughs] in the bathroom.
Sequoia: Myrtle admonished him, but Goyle could see the hints of a smile on her translucent face.
Kim: Huh.
Sequoia: “Though, now that you bring it up, [Kim laughs] there was this one time i happened across him and that strangely shaped…” “NOT ANOTHER WORD ABOUT HARRY POTTERS BATHROOM HABITS!”
Kim: Strangely sh… and that strangely shaped?
Sequoia: Yup, and then she gets cut off.
Kim: Where the fuck was that sentence going?
Sequoia: Strangely shaped… just it was a strangely shaped somethin’. Something was…
Kim: She ran across Harry and that strangely shaped…
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: …Draco Malfoy.
Sequoia: [laughs] in the bathroom!
Kim: He’s real pointy? [Sequoia laughs] And that strangely shaped boy Vinny?
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah! Oh man. [both laugh] “Fine, fine.” Myrtle said sulkily. “No one ever wants to hear about the things I've come across.”
Kim: No! No one wants to hear that!
Sequoia: It’s Harry and… and that strangely shaped.
Kim: Ugh. Actually, I really do desperately wanna know the end of that sentence.
Sequoia: [laughing] “Probably because you start shrieking and crying and go on about everything,” Goyle said.
Kim: [laughs] Also, no one wants to hear about what people do in the bathroom!
Sequoia: [laughs] Harry Potter’s bathroom habits. [Kim snorts] “You don't see me going all emotional when people dont wanna listen to me.”
Kim: No one wants to listen to you. That's true.
Sequoia: A pause, then Myrtle said meekly, “People don’t listen to you, either?”
Kim: [softly] No. [laughs]
Sequoia: Goyle leaned back against the wall and draped his hands arms across his knees, clasping his wrists loosely. “I can’t remember a time when anyone bothered to listen to what I say.”
Kim: You don't have anything to say, Greg. [Sequoia laughs] That's why no one listens.
Sequoia: He’s talking to you. Specifically! [Kim groans] “They just assume I really am just as dumb as a pile of bricks.”
Kim: ‘Cause you are.
Sequoia: “And never even give me a chance.” You've never even given him a chance.
Kim: He’s… okay, what is Greg’s biggest ambition? [both laugh]
Sequoia: Why are you in Slytherin? What is your ambition? Myrtle sat across from him, hovering barely inches above the floor. “At least you have friends, even if they don't appreciate you. All i have is the u-bend and the squid.” [both laugh]
Kim: U-bend is not a friend!
Sequoia: U-bend is her friend! [laughs]
Kim: Wow, that is so beyond sad!
Sequoia: [laughs] That’s why she's crying all the time.
Kim: The u-bend was mad… was mean to me today! [ Sequoia laughs] Shit.
Sequoia: [laughing] Stupid! “I can't live for anything!” Myrtle cried.
Kim: [mumbling] You're not alive.
Sequoia: “That’s exactly the reason you can't, you're too hung up on being dead.” “Because I am!” she exclaimed. [both laugh]
Kim: [laughs] Haha nice.
Sequoia: “But that’s no reason to get all hung up on it, is it? Look at the other ghosts! They never go on about how dead they are. They just float around and have a grand old time [Kim laughs] while you live in a toilet!”
Kim: [laughs] Good point. He’s making… he's making some good points, actually.
Sequoia: He’s really… no. I really like Goyle in this story [laughs]
Kim: Yeah. No, he's good. He's fine. He's a fine and normal person.
Sequoia: Myrtle sat there for a long moment, looking ready to either hit him or burst into tears.
Kim: Can’t hit him. You are a ghost.
Sequoia: Will burst into tears. [both laugh] Until she finally swooped up and stuck her head through the wall. “Mrs. Norris is gone.” Goyle stood up, reluctant to leave. “Um, Myrtle? Are you going to be okay?” “I’M FINE!”
Kim: [laughs] She's dead. It doesn't matter if she's okay or not, she's dead.
Sequoia: [laughs] Then she paused. “Do you really care if I’m okay?” Goyle shuffled his feet a little, then mumbled, “Yeah.” Myrtle smiled, and pecked him on the cheek. Goyle shivered. Her ghostly lips felt like a wisp of winter air against his skin. [starting to laugh] You look so upset. [laughs]
Kim: God. [Sequoia groans] You know, I’ve read a couple of ghost gross stories. [laughs]
Sequoia: This isn't even gross!
Kim: This one’s not gross, but I’m thinking about those ones right now. I’m sorry.
Sequoia: [laughs] Fair enough. [Kim groans] “You can come back and visit any time you’d like,” she said shyly. “I think I’d like that,” Goyle replied.
Kim: Hm. Is that the end?
Sequoia: That’s the end.
Kim: Oh, okay. [both laugh]
Sequoia: There you go.
Kim: That was…
Sequoia: Some…
Kim: …nice.
Sequoia: Some nice li’l…
Kim: That was nice.
Sequoia: …Myrtle.
Kim: I like… I like fanfics with Greg or Vinny in them, because it's always weird.
Sequoia: Yeah, you're like, this per… this character that never talks.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: We get a whoooole…
Kim: Whole…
Sequoia: …different side of them.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Like a whooole thing.
Kim: Always funny [laughs]
Sequoia: Yeah. I liked this story. It's fun. I like Myrtle.
Kim: Myrtle’s… Myrtle’s always funny.
Sequoia: Did a lot of searching for Myrtle.
Kim: Oh, did you?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Because Myrtle…
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: …is funny.
Kim: Yeah, she's always funny.
Sequoia: She's always funny, and, ya know, I didnt wanna read one where Myrtle was watching people in the bathroom. [both laugh]
Kim: What? You didn't?
Sequoia: Not really… not really my style.
Kim: You didn't?
Sequoia: As it were.
Kim: Weird!
Sequoia: Cool. You…
Kim: All of my predictions were wrong.
Sequoia: …don't get any points. I… when we started, I was… I was trying to remember if he gets caught…
Kim: Oh, if Filch caught him or not.
Sequoia: …at the end.
Kim: Mm. He does not.
Sequoia: [sighs] [whispering] And he doesn't.
Kim: He does not.
Sequoia: So you don't get any points.
Kim: No point. I mean, Myrtle is kind of a stalker, but the story’s not about that, so…
Sequoia: Yeah, there's the mentions of Myrtle stalking Harry.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: But…
Kim: Not what the story’s about.
Sequoia: Not what the story’s about. I tried.
Kim: That's fine. No.
Sequoia: I tried to help you.
Kim: No you didn't.
Sequoia: I didn't really. [laughs]
Kim: You didn’t.
Sequoia: I didn’t really try to help you. Okay.
Kim: Excellent.
Sequoia: It’s time for…
Both: …aaa quick fics!
Kim: So the fic I have for everyone today…
Sequoia: Bring it on.
Kim: …takes place in Chamber of Secrets.
Sequoia: ‘Kayyy.
Kim: And it starts out talking about how the Whomping Willow is feeling a little sexually frustrated.
Sequoia: [laughs nervously] Okay.
Kim: And then she… ‘cause the story is very clear that the Whomping Willow is a she.
Sequoia: Ooooookayyy.
Kim: Gets some hot…
Sequoia: No.
Kim: …steamy…
Sequoia: No.
Kim: …ar loving! [laughs]
Sequoia: [screaming] No! No! NOOOOOOO!
Kim: Yeah! This story’s about how what Ron and Harry thought was the car and the tree fighting was actually them fucking?
Sequoia: OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK!? [Kim laughs] NO. Why? What? Who did that? NO!
Kim: [still laughing] Oh my gosh! Yeah, and… and then the car drives away like it does in the book, and she… and she… she thinks about how she's ready for when the car comes back out of the forest, for it to be throbbing, shiny, and humming with desire.
Sequoia: NOOOO!
Kim: The car.
Sequoia: GOOO… JUUUUS…
Kim: So that she and the car… the tree… the Whomping Willow…
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: The tree and the car can do it some more.
Sequoia: I c… I ju… I can… I just… what?
Kim: [laughs] And this is super funny.
Sequoia: Great. Thank you.
Kim: So now we all have that mental picture.
Sequoia: Thank you so… thank you so much.
Kim: For when weeee… you inevitably read Chamber of Secrets again, just…
Sequoia: Just keep that one…
Kim: Keep that in the back of your mind. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Right up there, kids.
Kim: No, not kids. Adult listeners.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: That was your quick fic.
Sequoia: Great. Great. Great.
Kim: Now…
Sequoia: That's great.
Kim: …it’s time…
Sequoia: Great. It's time for…
Kim: …for us all to go to…
Both: …THE REC ZONE! Pew pew pew pew pewww! Pew pew pew pew pewwww!
Sequoia: Okay. [both laugh]
Kim: Whatcha got for us today?
Sequoia: I have a little out take from the beginning of Lupin and Tonks’s relationship, when he comes back from being like embedded within…
Kim: In deep cover.
Sequoia: …the werewolves.
Kim: Sure, sure.
Sequoia: And when they find out, and he like comes back from that.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: It’s just like some relationship fluff?
Sequoia: Just some relationshippy fluff like stuff.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: It’s called Helping Hands and the link will be in the description.
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: I liked it. l like… I like that kind of like… I don't know, missing scene.
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Something something.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: So it's not like incredibly detailed or like, nothing… nothing really happens in it, but…
Kim: That’s what fluff is.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: BABY.
Sequoia: Oh jeez. Oh god. [laughs] Never do that again.
Kim: No promises.
Sequoia: Great. So…
Kim: You can find the link to that recommendation in the description of this episode, but also…
Sequoia: You can find a whole list of recommendations.
Kim: …on our website.
Sequoia: Website. [laughs]
Kim: Www.fanaticalfics.com. [Sequoia still laughing] It’s very satisfying to do, isn't it?
Sequoia: That was actually really fun! [both laugh] I hate you a lot!
Kim: Nice.
Sequoia: Also on our website you can find our story submission form, where you can…
Kim: Send us some something. Wow, we invite… I read… I was gonna talk about this earlier, actually. I forgot.
Sequoia: Oh fuck, yeah.
Kim: We got this… I read this story the other day. It was twenty chapters long [Sequoia laughs] of Harry/Draco having some ssssexual intercourse. [Sequoia laughs] And then the story… the fuckin’ author dropped it!
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Back in 2014.
Sequoia Mhm.
Kim: And somebody else picked it up, and then I found the rest. The… the… the second half.
Sequoia: Uh huh.
Kim: And I went ahead and read fifteen more chapters.
Sequoia Uh huh.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: So.
Kim: It’s taking me a while to get through the list! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, especially when you guys keep sending these giant ones. Which is great, keep doing it. It’s… we’re just… we’re…
Kim: But I will read all of it.
Sequoia: …behind…
Kim: And it takes a while.
Sequoia: …now. So yeah, use our story submission form on our website to send Kim some more twenty chapter long Drarry.
Kim: Don’t send me stuff that's not done!
Sequoia [laughs] Send her everything.
Kim: [screaming] AHHH!
Sequoia: Also on our website, you can find our merchandise.
Kim: Yeah, but also keep an eye on our social media for that other merch.
Sequoia: Yeah, for the t-shirts coming back.
Kim: That’s coming back.
Sequoia: Somebody buy our posters, because I love them.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I think that they’re beautiful.
Kim: They’re great, yeah. Take a look at those. Keep an eye out for our t-shirts on our social media.
Sequoia: On Twitter, Instagram, Facebook @FanaticalFics.
Kim: Find us there. Tweet at us
Sequoia: Tweet at uuuus! You can also send us your longer thoughts via email.
Kim: Fanaticalfics@gmail.com. If you enjoy our podcast, you can help our podcast out by doing a few different things.
Sequoia: Leave us a review on Facebook or iTunes. We’ll shout you out at the top of the episode.
Kim: Trick your friends 2019.
Sequoia: Trick your friends! [both laugh] You can also support us on Patreon.
Kim: Yeah, there's some cool bonus written content, bonus audio content, on there.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: So check that shit out.
Sequoia: Listen to us scream about Ron for a little while. It’s fine.
Kim: Or whatever.
Sequoia: Whatever. We’ve got a bunch of stuff on there.
Kim: That’ll do it for us today.
Sequoia: That’ll do it. That… that’ll…
Kim: That’s the end. That’s the end of the show.
Sequoia: And, of course, thank you to the Whomping Willows for letting us use our amazing theme song, Wolfstar.
Both: BYE! [both laugh]