Episode 36: Please! Not While I'm in the Shower!
In this episode, we’re exploring the depths of “wizard code”... whatever that is?
Recommendation: Draco Malfoy Saves the World
https://archiveofourown.org/works/399876
Check out one of Sequoia's favorite podcasts, Sam and Maggie Hate Glee:
https://shows.pippa.io/sandmhateglee
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Skylar
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: So…
Kim: Cyber Monday. How’s your Cyber going, listenerrrrs?
Sequoia: Oh god. Yeah, this is coming out on Cyber Monday. Get those... hot deals. Should we have a hot deal?
Kim: No!
Sequoia: No?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: On our website, should we have like a sale?
Kim: A sale? [both laugh] Nobody's buying anything anyway!
Sequoia: Someone did. Once. [Kim snorts] Twice.
Kim: [whispering] Jesus.
Sequoia: [laughs] Maybe they'd be more inclined if we had a sale. It's Cyber Monday today when this episode is coming out.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: We're having a sale.
Kim: [strainedly] Great.
Sequoia: [laughs] Get ready for unspecified sale! [both laugh] Great. This was good.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim!
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's our podcast about Harry Potter...
Both: ...fanfiction.
Sequoia: [singing] Welcome to the show!
Kim: I can't. [Sequoia laughs] You are gonna take that that one listener saying that they liked you singing and you're gonna just… ugh.
Sequoia: And I’m gonna ruin your life with it. [laughs] Are you ready?
Kim: Jeez.
Sequoia: Oh, yes. Okay. Listeners, we have a shout out.
Kim: We do.
Sequoia: We got a new review.
Kim: Thank you to Hogwarts730.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: Which I earlier misread as Hogwarts720 [Sequoia laughs] and got really excited.
Sequoia: [singing] Entertainment 720! Yeah. [Kim laughs] Yes, we're so glad that we make you laugh and that we brighten up your Mondays. Mondays are terrible. So...
Kim: Yeah, every day is terrible.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my god. Okay.
Kim: The darkness is closing in...
Sequoia: Anyway, thank you very much for your review. You're awesome. Okay. [long pause] Well, we have a Cyber Monday deal [Kim laughs] and now we're just gonna read fanfiction, I guess.
Kim: There’s gotta be something we can talk... talk about how Jen sent us a fanfic.
Sequoia: Oh! So, in one of our latest episodes…
Kim: The last episode.
Sequoia: The last episode. What was the last episode?
Kim: It was the last one.
Sequoia: Whaaat? Okay, yeah. We read a fanfiction. We read a parody fanfiction. And we were saying that we wanted the story of the pranks that were good...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...that Lily came up with.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And one of our listeners wrote that thing and sent it to us.
Kim: Which is just… oh my gosh.
Sequoia: I'm amazed. I'm amazed.
Kim: I'm constantly amazed by our listeners.
Sequoia: Yeah. I literally was just like...
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: I was like at work when I opened that email. And I did one of those like [high pitched awww sound] noises. [both laugh] And everyone I was working with was just like, what... what's happening? [Kim laughs] And I... you can't like, be like, oh, well, you know, my Harry Potter fanfiction podcast, we did this thing and then one of our listeners wrote this thing and how cute is that? [Kim laughs harder] Everybody’s like, what the FUCK are you talking about? And I'm like, no, it's literally the greatest thing. Don’t look at me.
Kim: Oh, yeah. Jen, you're amazing.
Sequoia: Jen, thank you so much. That is just... [happy sigh] yeah, I'm just floored.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Constantly.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: So thank you!
Kim: You guys are amazing, all of you. But you're even more amazing if you send us stuff. [both laugh]
Sequoia: This is incentive to... send us stuff!
Kim: Yeah! We also got some fanarrrrt!
Sequoia: Yes, we did!
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: I liked that too. Our sticker artist did a little doodle of Remus being like, gotta go look at the giant squid. [both laugh]
Kim: Classic.
Sequoia: Sooo good.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: So good.
Kim: You guys are amazing.
Sequoia: Thank you for all that you are and all that you do. We're gonna read you some fanfiction.
Kim: We? I'm gonna read them.
Sequoia: Well, you're gonna read some fanfiction, and then I get to do a summary later that I'm really excited about.
Kim: Oh yeah, you got a good one?
Sequoia: [singing] Yeah.
Kim: Oh, we haven't had [laughs] any reactions to… [mumbles]
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. You know, if you have feelings...
Kim: About the new summary segment...
Sequoia: Tell some...
Kim: Or if you still don’t care, that’s good too. That’s good too.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah, we'd love to hear your praise, censure, apathy. We're here for all of it.
Kim: Sure. [Sequoia laughs] All right, let's get into this thing.
Sequoia: Let’s do it.
Kim: I'm so excited to read you this title.
Sequoia: [whispering] Yes, yes, yes. Okay.
Kim: All right. So we're gonna do predictions now.
Sequoia: Yeah. Make sure, tweet your predictions at us #FanficDivination and also tag us. And @ us.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Do @ us.
Kim: Do @ us. [Sequoia laughs] Marcella.
Sequoia: Marcella. [laughs]
Kim: We’ve missed your last couple. We love you.
Sequoia: [continues laughing] Yeah, make sure to @ us so we can like... so we can like RT you and stuff.
Kim: So it notice… it notifies us.
Sequoia: Yeah, we wanna see them. We wanna see all of them, because they're great.
Kim: Yeah, and it makes us feel better about ourselves. Or worse.
Sequoia: Or worse. I kinda like it when it makes me feel worse about it.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Where I'm like, oh, why the fuck didn’t I say that? That makes so much sense.
Kim: Get... it gives you more predictions for your back pocket.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Steal them from the…
Both: ...listeners.
Sequoia: Put them in your back pocket. Never use them. [both laugh] That’s how I like to do it.
Kim: Yeah. All right, all right, all right.
Sequoia: [singing] Wee-hoo!
Kim: Okay. Everybody ready? The title is, Please! exclamation point, Not While I'm in the Shower! exclamation point. [both laugh at length]
Sequoia: [laughing] What?
Kim: It says, Please! Not While I'm in the Shower!, and the… the genre is humor/parody.
Sequoia: Oh god. Oh my god!
Kim: ‘Cause you did a parody, and we're apparently just, like, doing the same thing that the other one did. So.
Sequoia: Yeah, we’re… yeah. We're playing a little game of tag. Okay, what the fuck?
Kim: [laughs] Isn’t that a great title?
Sequoia: I love it. That's an excellent title. I can see right away why you clicked on that.
Kim: [laughs] Yeah.
Sequoia: Like, what is this? Speaking of what is this, my predictions are as follows.
Kim: Oh, you're ready.
Sequoia: There is a scene taking place in, like, some fancy prefects’ bathroom.
Kim: Prefects’ bathroom.
Sequoia: I'm gonna say that this fic features a magical creature of some kind.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: And I'm also gonna say that the main character of this story is Harry Potter. [long pause] [laughs]
Kim: You know I hate that prediction! ‘Cause that is not a prediction.
Sequoia: It is a prediction.
Kim: All right, we can argue about that after the story, I guess, if you wanna make that your prediction.
Sequoia: No. Fine. It's… this is Drarry. There you go. [Kim laughs] There you go.
Kim: All right. All right.
Sequoia: There you go.
Kim: [laughing] Drarry. Okay, let's get into it then. Please! Not While I'm in the Shower! [high pitched, slightly pretentious voice] “Voldemort. Voldemort. Voldemort. Voldemort.” [deep, broish voice] “Quit it,” protested Ron, shrinking back further from Hermione with every enunciation of the dreaded Dark Lord's name, their evening chess game quite forgotten.
Sequoia: [laughing] I love it already. Great.
Kim: Yeah, yeah. “You have to get over this fear, Ron,” lectured Hermione, leaning far forward with arms braced on either side of the chessboard. “You're being totally irrational. Voldemort Voldemort. Voldemort.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh, Ron, he's such a scaredy cat.
Kim: I meeeeeean…
Sequoia: Yes. [both laugh]
Kim: In character.
Sequoia: Yeah, it is. It totally is.
Kim: Harry watched them from his chair by the fireplace, trying his best to stifle a chuckle. Judging from Ron's terrified expression, it was as though the Dark Lord might suddenly leap right out of Hermione’s mouth and smite the redhead as he cowered against his sister's feet.
Sequoia: [laughs] I love that.
Kim: That’s quite a mental image.
Sequoia: Yep, I love that mental image a lot. That's really good.
Kim: Yeah? All right. “Hey, watch it!” protested Ginny, shifting her inkwell from her knees to the table next to her chair. “Cripes, Ron, stop being such a spineless jellyfish, will you?”
Sequoia: Ooooh. [snaps fingers] Got ‘im. [laughs]
Kim: “Make her stop,” pleaded Ron desperately. “He's going to come if she doesn't stop.”
Sequoia: [pause] When was this written?
Kim: 2004.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I love that.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay, great. Good.
Kim: “Of course, he won't,” said Hermione in exasperation. “It's all a bunch of silly superstitious hogwash, Ron.” [soft, dreamy voice] “She's right, you know,” pronounced Luna serenely from behind her copy of The Quibbler. Because she's in the Gryffindor common room [slurring] for some reason?
Sequoia: She's in the Gryffindor common room and I feel like... that's just like a classic, like, Luna enters the scene. She is holding the Quibbler in front of her face at all times until speaking.
Kim: And saying stuff.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: Yeah. Checks out.
Kim: What’s she do... no, it’s fine, she’s there.
Sequoia: No, she's basically... yeah.
Kim: She’s there, why not? That's a fanfic thing.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Just people are in…
Both: ...common rooms...
Sequoia: ...they're not supposed to be in.
Kim: For whatever reason.
Sequoia: She's basically a Gryffindor. They're all... they're all... all her friends are there.
Kim: Is she? She’s not a Gryffindor.
Sequoia: All her friends are there. She can hang out there.
Kim: Okay, fine. Whatever.
Sequoia: It’s fine. Luna can do whatever she wants.
Kim: All right. Harry looked at her seated contentedly in the chair opposite his by the fireplace, and smiled. Despite their differences, Luna never hesitated to voice her support of Hermione on matters where they happen to agree. [long pause] [both laugh] I don’t know what to say about that.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And a long silence. Good. Yes.
Kim: Sure. Fine. I guess that's fine.
Sequoia: That’s the… yeah.
Kim: True. Hermione, encouraged by a supporting opinion, pressed on. “Voldemort. Voldemort.”
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: “Voldemort. Voldemort.” “I’ll tell McGonagall!” warned Ron...
Sequoia: Ohhh.
Kim: ...his face reddening. “I will!”
Sequoia: Ohhh, pull yourself together, Ron.
Kim: “Voldemort. Voldemort.”
Sequoia: Jesus.
Kim: “Voldem...” Poof!
Sequoia: [yelling] What?
Kim: “...ort. Oh dear.”
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Luna’s large silver eyes popped up over the top of her magazine. “It's... it's…”
Sequoia: Is it? Is it?
Kim: ...stammered Ginny, dropping her quill.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yes?
Kim: “See? I told you!” yelled Ron. [both laugh]
Sequoia: 2004?
Kim: 2004.
Sequoia: Awesome.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: Awesome.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Also, what?
Kim: [laughs] Voldemort is… Bloody Mary.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Beetlejuice?
Sequoia: Beetlejuice.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Bloody Mary.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Is that the one where you look in the mirror and you...
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Okay, yeah. Okay. Yes.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Absolutely.
Kim: Yelled Ron, trying desperately to squirm under Ginny's chair. [both laugh] Poor Ron.
Sequoia: That’s a good mental image. [laughs]
Kim: Yeah, he's afraid of Voldemort.
Sequoia: He just... he’s afraid of Voldemort.
Kim: What’s wrong with that?
Sequoia: That is valid.
Kim: Valid! Harry stared at the thin pale figure standing near the common room’s far window. Its back was to them, one arm rubbing a scrub brush up and down its skeletal back. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [through laughter] Not while I’m in the shower! Oh my god, no!
Kim: So you just have to say Voldemort's name like twenty five times.
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh my god. Yes.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Harry shifted near the edge of his seat. Could it be…? The figure suddenly froze and took in its surroundings. It spun around. There was no doubt, Harry now realized. Its red cat-like eyes looked about the room. [very breathy, high pitched voice] “Who dares summon the Dark...” [Sequoia laughs] Its gaze focused on Harry, slit like eyes widening. “Youuuuu!” [both laugh]
Sequoia: I like your Voldemort voice.
Kim: Yeah? Is it working better this time?
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s... it’s real good. It’s very good.
Kim: All right. All right. I had to do something, come on. Voldemort thrust his scrub brush forward and pointed it straight at Harry. “Avada Kedavra!” [Sequoia laughs] Yeah?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Okay. All stared as the suds slowly dripped from the tip of the brush, splattering lightly against the worn stone floor. The scrub brush, evidently, did not an adequate wand make... [both laugh] I feel like with enough magical power you probably could channel some through any object.
Sequoia: Probably. You could probably do a little bit of like, almost...
Kim: Shoot some sparks out, maybe?
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, you definitely probably could not kill someone with the scrub brush?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: But it would produce some kind of a thing.
Kim: This one doesn't.
Sequoia: Great. A clearly non magical scrub brush.
Kim: Yeah, it's so non magical that it's anti magical.
Sequoia: [laughs] Well, he didn't expect to have to kill anyone in the shower.
Kim: So he’s using his anti magic scrub brush. [both laugh] Whatever.
Sequoia: Whatever.
Kim: ...as not a single spark emanated from its sudsy bristles. “You're naked, you know,” [Sequoia laughs] observed Luna serenely.
Sequoia: [laughing] Yes!
Kim: “I will... wha…?” The Dark Lord looked down at his clothesless form. “Augh! Look away!” [both laugh] Voldemort jumped back and made a desperate grab for the curtains by the window, hastily wrapping himself in the heavy draperies.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: [laughs] [very high pitched now] “This is indecent!” he wailed. This is… his voice is going somewhere, and I don’t know where it’s going. [both laugh]
Sequoia: It's going… up.
Kim: Somewhere.
Sequoia: And up and up and up. And up.
Kim: I’ll try to rein it back. He wailed, pointing a skeletal finger at Hailey.
Sequoia: Hailey? [laughs]
Kim: Oh my god, I need to start over. “This is indecent!” he wailed, pointing a skeletal finger at Harry. “Showers are off limits! I’m sure there's a rule on that somewhere in the Wizard’s Code! Is no place sacred to you interlopers?” [Sequoia laughs] It's not like they did it on purpose.
Sequoia: No. Hermione was just kinda being a dick. [both laugh]
Kim: When isn’t she? No.
Sequoia: [laughs] I like how easy it is to get Voldemort onto Hogwarts school grounds [Kim laughs] also, though. Like wow.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Could’a ended like… book three.
Kim: Do you think… d’you think this is something that works for any wizard? Like, you say their name twenty five times and they're drawn to you? Like some deep… deep magic.
Sequoia: He’s talking about the Wizard Code. Yeah. [Kim laughs] You have to really... you have to really mean it, though.
Kim: Oh yeah. Okay.
Sequoia: Or something. There's gonna be some kind of intention behind it.
Kim: So if you really mean it and you say their name…
Both: ...twenty five times…
Sequoia: ...they just appear.
Kim: There they are.
Sequoia: But, appar... but there's got to be something in Wizard Code... Law.
Kim: Wizard C…?
Sequoia: Wizarding...
Kim: All right, fine.
Sequoia: Code of Conduct.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Not in the shower! [both laugh]
Kim: How’re you supposed to know if they’re in the shower or not? All wizards must halt showering. [Sequoia laughs] “Excuse me,” interrupted Luna, “But I believe you're the one who's interloping.”
Sequoia: True.
Kim: “Hey, who's that?” said Seamus, [both laugh] emerging through the short corridor into the Common Room and looking at the curtain wrapped figure. “It's Voldemort,” said Ginny.
Sequoia: Ginny, who’s probably still just like doing her homework.
Kim: Yeah, she’s like, fuck this.
Sequoia: She’s like, yeah, whatever. This guy’s fucking here.
Kim: This shit’s happening.
Sequoia: Doesn't have a wand.
Kim: Eh.
Sequoia: Doesn't… yeah.
Kim: Eh, whatever.
Sequoia: Naked. Doesn't scare me.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Unfazed.
Kim: Yep. [Sequoia laughs] Classic Ginny.
Sequoia: Yeah. That’s who I aspire to be. [both laugh]
Kim: Sure. Seamus rolled his eyes and proceeded up the stairs. “Fine, don't tell me,” he muttered.
Sequoia: [laughs] That is a totally rational reaction.
Kim: [laughing] Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: Because how could it be that easy to get Voldemort onto Hogwarts school grounds?
Kim: Look, that's just how magic works!
Sequoia: Canon. [both laugh]
Kim: “Harry!” exclaimed Ginny, a look of realization coming across her face. “He hasn't got his wand!” Harry jumped up from the chair, wand leveled. It was his chance! [Sequoia laughs] “Avada...” Voldemort shrunk back. “No!”
Sequoia: Oh my god! Harry.
Kim: “Harry, no!” interjected Hermione.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: Being a total buzzkill.
Sequoia: What the fuck, dude?
Kim: Pushing his arm back down. “That's an Unforgivable!”
Sequoia: Jesus, lighten up, Hermione.
Kim: Come on! Harry could scarcely believe his ears. “But... it's Voldemort!” he protested.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yes.
Kim: Hermione put her hands on her hips. “You can't go around casting Unforgiveables, Harry,” she lectured.
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my god. You're the fucking reason he's here, Hermione!
Kim: Yeah! [both laugh]
Sequoia: Jesus Christ!
Kim: Gotta do something with him. “Listen to the girl, boy,” urged the Dark Lord. It’s... it's still happening. [Sequoia laughs] From behind the curtain.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: “Don't listen to her, Harry,” countered Ron from behind Ginny’s chair. “Let him have it!” “Ron!” barked Hermione. “No, he's right,” argued Harry. “This is our chance.” [laughs]
Sequoia: Yes! Yes it is.
Kim: He aimed his wand at Voldemort, who tried his best to conceal himself within the red and gold draperies. “No, Harry, not an Unforgivable!” pronounced Hermione fiercely, her cheeks flushing angrily as they did whenever she was impossibly adamant about something.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, just grab the nearest pipe [both laugh] and hit him over the head with it.
Kim: There's no destroyed entire Hogsmeade here, Sequoia. Where's he gonna get a broken pipe from?
Sequoia: I don't know.
Kim: Guess he can use the fire poker. That’ll work pretty well.
Sequoia: Yeah. Fire poker. Something. That's not an Unforgivable curse.
Kim: “She's right, Harry,” agreed Ginny. “There's a reason Unforgiveables are banned.”
Sequoia: What? What the…?
Kim: Why?
Sequoia: What the fuck, dude?
Kim: Ginny. Ginny, come on.
Sequoia: I was... I was on your side.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs] Now you’re being all lame.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: [dramatically] “That's right, boy!” exclaimed Voldemort, “Goody two shoes and all that!”
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Is he turning into the Wicked Witch of the West? [Sequoia laughs] I cannot control it. Harry looked at Hermione and Ginny helplessly. “But... oh, for... all right. I'll call a vote,” he said.
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus.
Kim: “All in favor of using the Unforgiveable, raise your hands.”
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Ron raised his hand quickly. Harry thrusted his high in the air with equal enthusiasm. There was no further showing of hands.
Sequoia: There's only four of them.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: No, there's five, Luna’s there.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: “Um, all against?” he asked meekly. Three dainty hands rose up, as did a pale skeletal one from behind the curtains. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Right, there’s six people.
Kim: [laughs] Harry's shoulders sagged. He was outvoted, even discounting Voldemort's dubious ballot. [Sequoia laughs] “So no Avada Kedavra then?” he said in disappointment. A bolt of intense green light shot out from his wand.
Sequoia: [shouting] Oh my god! [Kim laughs] Oh my god, no! You have to mean it!
Kim: He does mean it.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my god.
Kim: It’s Voldemort!
Sequoia: Where's the wand pointed?
Kim: And struck the stone wall, only inches from Voldemort's skull-like white head. He pointed it...
Sequoia: Dammit.
Kim: So close. [Sequoia laughs] “Ahhhh!” screamed the Dark Lord. [both laugh]
Sequoia: [in a dull voice] Ahhhh!
Kim: [also dully] Ahhhh! “Harry!” barked Hermione, spinning around and glaring at him. “Oops,” said Harry. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Well, now that he's done it once...
Kim: Ehhhh.
Sequoia: May as well.
Kim: [laughs] Said Harry sheepishly, “I didn't think...” “That was rather undemocratic of you, Harry,” observed Luna. [both laugh] “I counted three votes to two, if I'm not mistaken.” “Again, mate,” urged Ron. “Say it again.”
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: Ron's always on board.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. Well, he was terrified.
Kim: Yeah. He's still hiding behind the chair.
Sequoia: He's still hiding behind the chair. He literally sat there and was like, will you please stop doing this thing?
Kim: Yeah, Ron has been right the...
Sequoia: The whole time.
Kim: It’s Ron’s big day.
Sequoia: So. [laughs] It’s Ron’s big day.
Kim: Doing well today. “Don't you dare,” warned Hermione, eyes flashing with anger. “Well, what would you have me do?”
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: ...asked Harry desperately. “We can't very well just let him walk out of here, can we?” “Can't you use something other than an Unforgiveable?” suggested Ginny. “Turn the curtain into a lion or something?”
Sequoia: What?
Kim: That's horrible!
Sequoia: No!
Kim: “Hey, good one!” said Harry...
Sequoia: What the fuck?
Kim: ...raising his wand.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: They’re gonna have him mauled to death by a lion, Sequoia.
Sequoia: And then what are you gonna do with the lion? Then they're just gonna magic the lion away?
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: The… the lion is not just gonna do the thing you want it to do because you transfigured something into a lion.
Kim: It might.
Sequoia: The lion might just appear and be like, oh, that guy looks dead.
Kim: Looks yucky.
Sequoia: Yeah. I'm gonna go for these… these…
Kim: This… this redheaded tasty one.
Sequoia: The one behind the chair. [both laugh] Sucks to be Ron today.
Kim: No, it’s Ron’s big day. [both continue laughing]
Sequoia: No, you can’t… okay. What is he gonna... is he…? Okay.
Kim: “Hey, good one,” said Harry, raising his wand.
Sequoia: Fucking shit.
Kim: “Bloody brilliant!” concurred Ron from behind his sister’s chair.
Sequoia: No! You're gonna get eaten. [both laugh]
Kim: He totally is. “Any objections?” asked Harry, looking to Hermione. She appeared thoughtful. “Well, I suppose it's not an Unforgiveable, so…” “Right then,” said Harry.
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: “Espelio...” Voldemort looked horrified. “Parley!” “What?”
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: Hermione pushed Harry's arm back down.
Sequoia: No, fuck you! Fuck you, Hermione.
Kim: “What are you doing?” asked Harry in frustration.
Sequoia: Wait, hold please. Did that spell start Spellio?
Kim: Espelio.
Sequoia: Espelio. Great.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Continue.
Kim: Espelio-armus. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Dumb. I like it.
Kim: What was I saying? Oh. “He invoked Parley, Harry...”
Sequoia: No, fuck you. No, fuck all of you. No.
Kim: ...said Hermione.
Sequoia: I would rather you turn the goddamn curtain into a lion...
Kim: Than listen to whatever bullshit this is?
Sequoia: Yeah. [both laugh]
Kim: This is some dumb bullshit. Harry looked at her, incredulous. “Parley. What in blazes is that?” “It's the Wizard Code.”
Sequoia: Oh. Oh no. No, it's not.
Kim: The what?
Sequoia: No, there's no such thing as the Wizard Code.
Kim: There is today.
Sequoia: It's pirate code.
Kim: [laughing] Yeah, it’s pirate code. When did Pirates of the Caribbean come out? Was it 2004? It was. Like almost a hundred percent.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah.
Kim: I'm not even gonna look it up. It definitely was.
Sequoia: [in a bad posh English accent] Parley.
Kim: “It's the Wizard Code...” [laughs]
Sequoia: Fuck. Shit.
Kim: ...intoned Hermione, leaning closer to Harry. “A party can't initiate hostilities while Parley is in effect.” Harry looked to Luna. “Article one,” [both laugh] she confirmed airily, putting away her copy of The Quibbler.
Sequoia: Oh, now it's getting interesting.
Kim: Now it’s getting real.
Sequoia: Now that no one's gonna kill anyone and we're all just gonna stand here. Now...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Now it’s getting interesting.
Kim: “You're joking,” accused Harry. Yes.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Luna only tilted her head slightly. “That's right!” exclaimed Voldemort. “The Wizard Code. Parley’s been initiated, boy.” [Sequoia laughs] “Ignore him, Harry!”
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: ...said Ron. “Fire away!”
Sequoia: Go with the original plan.
Kim: Yeah, just kill him.
Sequoia: Just kill him.
Kim: Hermione cast him a glare that sent the redhead ducking further down behind the chair. Harry looked around. “Well, how do I get out of this Parley, anyway?” “You declare it over,” said Ginny. “Parley’s over,” blurted Harry....
Sequoia: What the fuck?
Kim: ...aiming his wand “Avada...”
Sequoia: [laughing] Yes! Go back to the original plan! Yeees! [both laugh]
Kim: He was like, fuck everything Hermione said.
Sequoia: Yeah, because this...
Kim: This is some shit.
Sequoia: ...is all some shit.
Kim: [laughs] “Parley!” shrieked Voldemort. [Sequoia laughs] Hermione pushed Harry's arm back down. “Parley is over!” he declared. “Avada...” “Parleyyy!”
Sequoia: [through laughter] Nooo!
Kim: “Parley is over!” “Parley!” “Over!” “Parley!” [Sequoia continues to laugh] Silence. “We have a situation here,” said Ginny. Harry dropped his arm to his side, intensely frustrated. “Blast this bureaucratic stuff!” huffed Harry.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: “Why do I have to obey the rules? I'm sure he wouldn't!”
Sequoia: No.
Kim: “Ah, yes, but that's because I'm an evil, ruthless megalomaniac,” said Voldemort.
Sequoia: Oh good. You know, the first step is acceptance.
Kim: Sure. I mean, he's owning it. He owns that.
Sequoia: He owns it.
Kim: He never denied that. [Sequoia laughs] “And that works for me. But I also happen to be unarmed, so you have to be all righteous and noble and so on and so forth.” [gasps for breath]
Sequoia: What was that?
Kim: I don’t know. I'm dying.
Sequoia: [laughs] Great.
Kim: “So we can stand here forever, or…” “Blast it!” said Harry. “Well, how do we get rid of him then?”
Sequoia: Oh my god.
Kim: “Tromedlov!” shouted Luna, starling everyone. [slight pause] It’s...
Sequoia: Oh, it's Voldemort backwards.
Kim: It… Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh good.
Kim: Poof!
Sequoia: Fuckin’ shit.
Kim: [laughs quietly] The curtains settled back into their original position. The figure of the Dark Lord had vanished as abruptly as it appeared. You only have to say it once, I guess.
Sequoia: Not twenty five times.
Kim: [laughing] Not twenty five times. Everyone looked at each other blankly. All, that is, except for Luna, who had plopped back down in her chair, resolutely reopened The Quibbler back to page twenty six, and disappeared behind a smiling picture of Derwent Shimpling. The end.
Sequoia: The FUCK? [Kim laughs] What are the chances that you're ever going to be able to summon Voldemort again when he's in the shower and wandless?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And what are the chances that Voldemort is ever going to shower without his wand again? Zero.
Kim: It’s weird enough that he did it at all. [Sequoia groans loudly] Yeah.
Sequoia: Awesome. [both laugh] I want it to be true that it is Wizard Code… Law…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: Magic…
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: That when you say anyone's name twenty five times they just appear. [both laugh] With conviction.
Kim: Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: Twenty five times with conviction.
Kim: Sure. Why not?
Sequoia: Also, fucking Hermione!
Kim: Yeah, Hermione, come on.
Sequoia: Jeez.
Kim: Get on board.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: [laughs] She's such a buzzkill.
Sequoia: She was being the goddamn worst! [Kim laughs] Parley. God! [both groan]
Kim: I'm not exactly sure what this is parodying.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: But it is funny. [both laugh and then sigh]
Sequoia: [laughing] I liked it. Cool.
Kim: You got zero points.
Sequoia: I got zero points.
Kim: Now it's time for…
Both: [singing] ...summariiies!
Kim: Do you think if we made the intro better, people would stop turning off the podcast before we do it?
Sequoia: No. [both laugh] All right, this is our newly revamped summaries segment.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: That I love and am excited about.
Kim: I'm really excited to hear what you got for me today.
Sequoia: So…
Kim: So for those of you that… didn't hear our announcement last time?
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Did we?
Sequoia: I mean, yeah, sure. So we have revamped the summaries segment. It is no longer us reading the summary of the story that we just read. We are now summarizing stories that we read that were just not right for the podcast for one or more reasons, but are still really funny in premise, or really funny at a specific plot point. So...
Kim: To get more fic for your pod.
Sequoia: Oh god. [both laugh] Cool.
Kim: That’s a thing that I have said now.
Sequoia: Oh yeah. Yep.
Kim: And will continue to say.
Sequoia: Oh good. That's what I hoped. [Kim laughs] Great. All right, so I am going to be summarizing for you...
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: ...a little something...
Kim: Tell me about some shit that you’ve seen.
Sequoia: ...that I read once. So I read this story, and you know, it starts out with Harry dying.
Kim: [snorts] What?
Sequoia: Well, no, he's not... he's not dead. Like, he doesn't die, but he is like in the act, process, of dying, right?
Kim: Oh, okay, sure.
Sequoia: He's laying outside of Hogwarts castle, slowly dying.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: He has defeated Voldemort. The war is over.
Kim: Ah, okay.
Sequoia: But he was, you know, like... [Kim and Sequoia talking incoherently over each other] Yeah, you don't know what, but yeah.
Kim: Classic.
Sequoia: So, he’s laying there dying, and this blond figure...
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: ...appears...
Kim: Oh nooo.
Sequoia: ...before him, that he seems to not recognize. [Kim laughs] At all.
Kim: We've talked about this before.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Harry's face blind.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs] Yeah. He has no idea what's happening, but he knows that... he doesn't know who this person is, but he has seen... this person has been following him. [Kim laughs] This mysterious blond figure has been following him.
Kim: Jesus Christ.
Sequoia: And… [both laugh]
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: And this blond figure is like… reaches down and is like, I'm here to save you, and reveals their vampire fangs.
Kim: Oh nooo. Noooo. [both laugh]
Sequoia: And bites Harry so that he doesn't die. Harry wakes up in the hospital wing.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: He's alive ‘cause he's a vampire now.
Kim: Vampires are generally not alive.
Sequoia: I mean, he's…
Kim: Undead.
Sequoia: ...undead. And this blond figure is there with him. And he's like… [laughs]
Kim: What? What does Draco do?
Sequoia: [laughing] He's like… he’s...
Kim: Oh no.
Sequoia: He’s like, he's like, I saved you. And Harry's like, yeah, I guess you're kind of hot. And then they like, make out for a second.
Kim: He still doesn’t recognize him.
Sequoia: Still doesn't recognize him. Still doesn’t recognize him. They, like, make out for a minute. [both laugh] And things are getting really real. And then he like… [laughing] I’m sorry, [almost unintelligible through laughter] I just... I’m crying. [Kim laughs] Harry holds Draco's dick and then is like, I know who this is! [both laugh, a lot]
Kim: Oh my god!
Sequoia: He’s like, oh, this is my ex-boyfriend, Draco, who died. I now recognize him because I held his dick, and I was like, I know this dick. [both continue laughing]
Kim: I can't believe you read this story.
Sequoia: [laughing] It’s…
Kim: I'm surprised that at the first sign of like, lips touching, you didn’t immediately close the tab. [Sequoia laughs harder] I'm very glad that you didn't because what the fuck. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh my god. Oh my god.
Kim: It’s so good! Harry the face blind vampire…
Sequoia: Vampire, but...
Kim: ...recognizes every dick he’s ever seen. [Sequoia laughs] Immediately.
Sequoia: Oh, it’s so good!
Kim: Do you think it's like really distinctive and that's why he recognizes it? Like... like, REALLY distinctive.
Sequoia: [still laughing] Oh my god. Anyway…
Kim: I won't... I won't speculate any further.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: I could. Know that I could.
Sequoia: That is a... that's a story that I read. That's been sitting on my list for a long time and I reread it the other day to see if it would work, and it just doesn't work for the podcast. But I can't keep that to myself.
Kim: Is it because you can’t… you can’t read the smut part of it?
Sequoia: No, it's just... it's just like that next level of, like, writing.
Kim: Oh, sure, sure.
Sequoia: I would have to rewrite it.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And I'm not going to do that.
Kim: I've… I’ve done that once or twice.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Sometimes the story is fun enough that...
Sequoia: That you… yeah.
Kim: ...I’ll go to town on it.
Sequoia: Oh, man. Whoo. I couldn't keep that one. That... that had to be known to the world.
Kim: It’s been weighing on you. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s been weighing on me. All right, that was our newly revamped summaries section. Make sure to let us know how you're feeling about our new segment.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And now, welcome to...
Kim: Let’s go into…
Both: [intensely] The Rec Zone! Pew pew pew pew!
Kim: So today I'm recommending a story called Draco Malfoy Saves the World.
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: This has been on my list for a while. I was a little hesitant to recommend this because... I just remembered why. It's a little bit of Draco/Snape and I hate Snape.
Sequoia: Ohhhh, yeah.
Kim: But the story’s actually pretty compelling. Draco travels back in time to stop some stuff from happening.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: And it's… it’s actually really... I really enjoyed it. So check it out, if you want to.
Sequoia: Cool. [both laugh] All right, great. Well, thanks for listening to the pod today, y'all.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: If you want to contact us, you can reach us on social media @fanaticalfics. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook.
Kim: Yeah, we have a email as well if you want to send us fanfictions that we've been demanding.
Sequoia: Yeah! If you'd like to write a fanfiction and send it to us, that would be great. [both laugh] You can find basically anything you want to find out about us on our website, at fanaticalfics.com. We've got our episodes there. We have a whole list of our recommendations, which is something that I really love about the website.
Kim: Our story submission form is there as well. Keep sending us that stuff. We are still reading it and it's all great.
Sequoia: You can also find the link to our Patreon on our website. You can go there to support the podcast, there's some cool extra content on there. You can also sign up to get stickers. Just some fun stuff.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Other ways you can support the podcast are to send us in a review on iTunes or Facebook.
Kim: We’ll shout you out at the top of the episode.
Sequoia: Also tell your friends!
Kim: Yep. [long pause] [both laugh]
Sequoia: Fuck, is that it?
Kim: You usually have more to say in that.
Sequoia: Well, you told me I can't do that any more! Goddamn! All right, speaking of Patreon though, one of our perks on Patreon if you support us for six months, we will shout you out in the podcast, in either the form of like a story summary…
Kim: Or a character bit.
Sequoia: Character voice, character bit.
Kim: So...
Sequoia: If you’ve been listening to our podcast for a little while, you’ve probably heard a few of these. This one’s coming in a little late.
Kim: Eh, it’s fine.
Sequoia: But it’s fine, because Sam’s the greatest. So I’m gonna do a little story summary.
Kim: Take it away, dude.
Sequoia: Take it away, here we go. With the Hogwarts talent show coming up in just a few weeks, Hermione struggles to put together her act. At her wit’s end, she decides to get help from an old friend from her Muggle school, Rachel Berry. Will Rachel help Hermione win the talent show, or will she steal the spotlight for herself? [Kim laughs at length] [Sequoia sighs] Yeeees! Sam...
Kim: Sam is one of the hosts of your favorite podcast.
Sequoia: Of my favorite podcasts, Sam and Maggie Hate Glee. [Kim laughs] So if you wanna check out that podcast, you totally should. There will be a link in the description.
Kim: Oh, man. That story sounds terrible, and I wanna read it.
Sequoia: It sounds great, right? [laughs] So, Sam, I hope you appreciated that. I wrote that for you.
Kim: And thanks, as always, to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song, Wolfstar.
Sequoia: Okay, great. Well…
Kim: [shouting] Bye!
Sequoia: Bye!