Episode 32: Harry and Mione's Horcrux Hunt (Part 3)
It’s the thrilling conclusion of our new favorite fanfiction! No one is ready for this nonsense. Listen in if you’re curious how it sounds when two fan girls in their late twenties have a total emotional break down.
Recommendation: Centrifugal Force
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1964452/1/Centrifugal-Force
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Zoë
Checker: Skylar
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: All right, welcome to the show.
Sequoia: [exasperated] Okay.
Kim: Here we go. We’re back. [Sequoia laughs] This… we’ve been recording for a while.
Sequoia: Yeah, this is... this is… you may be getting this in late September. However...
Kim: Maybe you’re bingeing it. [Sequoia laughs] If you’re bingeing it, you’ll get the same experience as us.
Sequoia: Exactly, yeah.
Kim: [emphatically] Because this is part three of three.
Sequoia: Part three of three.
Kim: Of Harry and Mione’s Horcrux Hunt.
Sequoia: [In same voice] Act Three. [Sequoia and Kim giggle]
Kim: Oh, nice. I’m gonna start us off with previously on Harry and Mione’s Horcrux Hunt. [Sequoia laughs] Ready? Harry pooped for ten hours and missed [Sequoia laughs] all of the Weasleys being slaughtered except for Ginny, who had been secretly dosing everyone with love potions. Harry and Hermione shared a walk in a Disney movie and decided that they hate the Weasleys anyway. Bellatrix appeared and surrendered to them. She gave them a Horcrux to show that she was on their team and they destroyed it. They then walked to where the Death Eaters were having some campfire time [Sequoia laughs] and overheard that Voldemort and Ginny had gotten married and now they have an evil plan. Ginny is going to pose as Bellatrix and go back in time to commit two of her crimes. [Sequoia laughs] When we left off, our terrifying trio [Sequoia laughs] was rushing to the time machine to catch up with her to thwart her evil plan.
Sequoia: Nice. [Kim laughs]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I’m Kim!
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It’s our podcast where we are… still reading this same fanfiction. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Welcome. Part three of three, and it’s time. For one prediction.
Kim: [laughs] Yeah. Give us...
Sequoia: Yeah. So part one I did three, part two I did two and now I’m doin’ one and my…
Kim: You’ve already gotten two points; you’re doing really well.
Sequoia: I am doing very well. I am curren... I’m beating you now in points, just by the way.
Kim: Yeah, I’m really...
Sequoia: [whispers] Just... just by the way.
Kim: I’m really mad about that. I shouldn’t have let you do this.
Sequoia: You shouldn’t have let me do it, but hey, too late!
Kim: That’s fine.
Sequoia: [singing] Too late! My one prediction here is that they are going to murder Ginny. Is that... [laughs] is that…? Is that…?
Kim: Uhh…
Sequoia: No, never mind. Fine. They are gonna get stuck back in time.
Kim: Nice. [Sequoia laughs] That’s a great prediction.
Sequoia: There you go.
Kim: ‘Kay.
Sequoia: Let’s do this. I’m ready. [Kim sighs] To see.
Kim: Listeners, don’t forget to tweet your prediction at us, if you want.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Or predictions.
Sequoia: Or predictions.
Kim: I don’t know.
Sequoia: Whatever. Do whatever you want.
Kim: Just do something. [Sequoia laughs] Send us something in some fashion, and if you use Twitter, #FanficDivination.
Sequoia: Absolutely.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: Let’s do this!
Kim: Let’s go.
Sequoia: Let’s do it!
Kim: This is chapter five of Harry and Mione’s Horcrux Hunt.
Sequoia: [whispers] Yes. I’m ready.
Kim: Bellatrix, Harry and Hermione raced across the field...
Sequoia: [whispers] Yes.
Kim: ...their wands held high above their heads.
Sequoia: Weird. [laughs]
Kim: They’re... they’re ready! [pause] [Sequoia laughs] There’s a visual bit!
Sequoia: Just holdin’ ‘em straight up in the air.
Kim: Visual bit’s already happening. Great. The Death Eaters who were all standing around saw them and pulled out their wands, preparing to fight.
Sequoia: They put down their s’mores and they pulled out their wands! [Kim laughs]
Kim: Which one do you think just eats the marshmallows out of the bag without bothering to toast them?
Sequoia: Goyle senior. [Kim snorts, Sequoia laughs]
Kim: Greg! [Sequoia keeps laughing] Great.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: Ginny was disappearing into the time machine. "Hurry!" Harry shouted. "We have to stop her!"
Sequoia: Okay. He’s really takin’ charge. This... this... you know?
Kim: He’s doing his little best. The Death Eaters sent a hail of curses raining on them.
Sequoia: [whispering] Shit.
Kim: Mione gave a flick of her wand and immediately Wormtail and Lucius Malfoy fell down unconscious.
Sequoia: Yeah! Fuck those guys.
Kim: Nice. They’re ready. More Death Eaters came running out of the tents. [Sequoia laughs silently] Camping, I love that they’re camping.
Sequoia: I love the tents. So good.
Kim: Why are they camping?
Sequoia: Who knows.
Kim: It’s like a reverse of what actually happened.
Sequoia: [laughs] Exactly. [Kim laughs] The Death Eaters are camping now. They’re having a grand old time, I’m so sure.
Kim: [laughs] Yeah. And Bellatrix put up a shield charm so they could run harmlessly through them.
Sequoia: Nice.
Kim: That’s not how magic works.
Sequoia: Nope.
Kim: It’s great. [Sequoia laughs] They saw Ginny get into the time machine and ran quickly, but it was already too late and she had disappeared.
Sequoia: Oh, so the fuckin’ time machine’s gone?
Kim: You would think that.
Sequoia: Oh, God!
Kim: "Hurry, Harry!" Mione cried. "We can still make it! Bella, you do know how to work this thing, right?"
Sequoia: Oh my God. So it’s just like a pod.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Of some kind.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: You get in it...
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: And then it materializes you. Sort of like a...
Kim: We’ll get there.
Sequoia: Okay. [quietly] Okay, fine.
Kim: But guess what, Bella knows how to use it.
Sequoia: Of course she does.
Kim: Bella nodded and pushed the button... I guess they got in it at some point, as well. [Sequoia laughs] ...pushed the buttons...
Sequoia: [high pitched] Boop boop boop boop boop.
Kim: And suddenly the three of them were zooming through space and time.
Sequoia: [laughs] I am literally just... [Kim sings the Doctor Who theme] Exactly! [also sings the Doctor Who theme] [Kim laughs]
Kim: ...leaving the Death Eaters and Voldemort behind.
Sequoia: Bye, Voldemort.
Kim: They could see planets and stars floating past. There was a dinosaur out the window.
Sequoia: Oh! High jinks!
Kim: I don’t understand how...
Sequoia: Why would they go that far back? [Kim laughs]
Kim: How does time work?
Sequoia: Wibbly wobbly timey wimey.
Kim: Ohhhh. Harry and Mione gazed deeply into each other's eyes and drew strength from the presence of perfect love.
Sequoia: I would be looking out at the dinosaurs and shit. Like, what?
Kim: [laughs] Why is there a dinosaur? Clearly Bellatrix doesn’t know how to work it! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: She lied. She was evil the whole time!
Kim: Trap you in the past! Okay. They knew something had happened. They both knew. But somehow they were nervous of this tender flower of new love...
Sequoia: No.
Kim: ...which had just blossomed.
Sequoia: Eughghhgghhh. That makes me physically uncomfortable.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Tender flower?
Kim: I’m uncomfortable. Whoops.
Sequoia: Oops.
Kim: Whoops. Suddenly, an evil cackling noise filled the air. They realized they were nearing the right time.
Sequoia: Oh.
Kim: ‘Cause the evil cackling has only happened once in all of time and space. It’s fine.
Sequoia: Oh, good. [laughs]
Kim: "It's her!" Bella cried and pulled the brake. The time machine stopped and they were in the living room of the Longbottom house.
Sequoia: She pulled the brake? [Kim makes a brake screeching sound] You don’t just program it to go where you wanna go?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: You have to drive around, past the dinosaurs.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: And then…
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: You take a right at the dinosaurs.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: And then you take a left at the invention of the telephone.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Then you’ll get to evil cackling.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Good. [laughs]
Kim: And then you pull the brake!
Sequoia: And then you pull the brake.
Kim: There before them stood Ginny, polyjuiced into Bellatrix. She was torturing the Longbottoms! "AAARRGHH!"
Sequoia: [laughing] Was that the Longbottoms?
Kim: Screamed Harry...
Sequoia: Oh. [laughs]
Kim: ...going capslock.
Sequoia: Again? He’s going capslock again?
Kim: It’s serious!
Sequoia: Fuck!
Kim: "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS, YOU STUPID, UGLY, EVIL TRAMP?"
Sequoia: Oh! Shit!
Kim: He ran forward with his wand. Ginny looked around and quickly rushed away.
Sequoia: Oh. ‘Kay, bye.
Kim: ‘Kay, bye.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: [laughing] I don’t know.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: She’s gone.
Sequoia: Okay, good. That’s good.
Kim: I don’t know what she... also, are there two time machines? I really don’t understand how that works. [Sequoia laughs] "It's too late!" Mione said, her chocolate eyes shimmering with tears. "They've already gone insane!"
Sequoia: [sounding legitimately sad] Sad.
Kim: You couldn’t save the Longbottoms?
Sequoia: Guys, come on.
Kim: You go to all the trouble of sending them back in time, and you can’t even…
Sequoia: Well, they accidentally took a wrong...
Kim: ...help Neville out?
Sequoia: They... they... they accidentally...
Kim: Went to the dinosaurs.
Sequoia: ...went to the dinosaurs, and then they had to turn around.
Kim: Well, it’s time travel, how can they be LATE if they’re traveling through... look at me. [Sequoia laughs] [emphatically] How does time travel work? [Sequoia laughs harder]
Sequoia: [in an ominous voice] No one knows.
Kim: [quietly] They’ve already gone insane. Bella and Mione were weeping over the Longbottoms. "I went to prison for Ginny's crimes!" Bella wept.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: Not sad about the Longbottoms.
Sequoia: But she is sad that she… but she already... she already did it.
Kim: Are there witnesses? Why did it matter that Ginny was dressed as Bellatrix?
Sequoia: [pause] Ummm.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Because… [Kim laughs] I don’t know. I don’t know.
Kim: [laughing] So good. "And this sweet old couple are insane because of that evil Weasel tramp!" Hermione sniffed.
Sequoia: Tramp is said so many times in this story!
Kim: [emphatically] It’s what she is!
Sequoia: [laughing] She’s such a Weasley tramp.
Kim: "OH NO!" Harry said. He’s… he’s still in capslock mode.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: They’re not going to tell us, but it’s in the text.
Sequoia: Okay, great. Still capslock.
Kim: "SHE'S GOING AFTER SIRIUS!"
Sequoia: Of course, that’s what’s happen... that was the plan.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay, fine, fine, fine.
Kim: "Hurry!" Bella cried, rushing... Why do they need to hurry? Never mind. [Sequoia laughs] Rushing for the time machine.
Sequoia: There’s gotta be two time machines.
Kim: Why are there two... never mind. They got in again and hurried through time and space, much faster this time.
Sequoia: So you couldn’t see the dinosaurs this time. She took the scenic route the first time.
Kim: [laughing] I love that they went faster this time.
Sequoia: [laughing] How does that... there’s no…
Kim: I love it! Thank you! [Sequoia laughs] Oh, no wait, wait. Harry and Mione held hands courageously as the stars and dinosaurs went past, and Bella looked on, smiling in warm approval.
Sequoia: What? What? How do you hold hands courageously? Is my question.
Kim: Yes. They’re doing it.
Sequoia: Cool. [Kim laughs] [groaning] Oh no.
Kim: Then they burst out into the Department of Mysteries. Ginny, in her Bellatrix form, was dueling Sirius. "How are we going to save him?" Harry shouted. "Don't worry, Harry!" said Hermione, her chocolate eyes resolute. "I've got a plan! Just do exactly what I say!"
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: "Okay!" said Harry. And then Harry, Mione, and Bellatrix stood behind the veil as Sirius fell through it, and caught him from the other side.
Sequoia: What the shit? What? The shit? What? What? What? That’s not the...
Kim: What?
Sequoia: That’s not how...
Kim: What? [Sequoia splutters] Yeah?
Sequoia: I’m crying. [both laugh]
Kim: They caught him!
Sequoia: Great. So as they were standing there watching the duel, there was no… this is another... this is another moment in fanfiction where they don’t use magic to fix the problem. [Kim laughing] Like, you just appeared in a time machine! Stun her! She’s actively duelling someone else. Stun her. Two birds, one stone. You capture her, you save Sirius...
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Also, that’s not how the veil works.
Kim: They have to hide behind the veil [Sequoia laughs] and catch him.
Sequoia: I wonder how they got there. They had to get through...
Kim: That’s where they appeared.
Sequoia: Oh, they appeared... great. Then where’s the other time machine? [both laugh]
Kim: Ginny got there hours ago.
Sequoia: Oh, right. Because she actually knows how to work the time machine.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And Bella is just trying to figure it out on the fly.
Kim: Clearly does not. [laughs] They caught him from the other side.
Sequoia: [whispering] Stupid.
Kim: And brought him back to the time machine. Harry could just see himself crying in Lupin's arms as he disappeared. "We'll get Ginny," he said. "Definitely," Mione said. "Definitely," Bella said. [deep, dude bro voice] "What am I doing here?" [Sequoia laughs] Sirius said.
Sequoia: I was waiting for him to say definitely. [laughs]
Kim: Ahhh. No, he doesn’t know what’s happening! [pause] Now this... here’s some fuckin’ shit. Are you ready?
Sequoia: [laughing] Yeah.
Kim: Bellatrix hugged him and said, "Don't worry, it's me, your favorite cousin.”
Sequoia: What the fuck? [Kim laughs]
Kim: “That wasn't really me just then, it was an evil girl pretending to be me!” [pause]
Sequoia: I… can’t… okay, what does he say? What does he... what does... what does he have to say about this?
Kim: "Bella!"
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Sirius said joyfully.
Sequoia: [laughing] No. No.
Kim: "I knew you weren't really evil. And I knew because I love you!" [long pause] I broke her. She is broken.
Sequoia: Uh… I... W... [pause] I’m sorry, what?
Kim: "I love you too, Siri!"
Sequoia: [screaming] Nooooo!
Kim: Bellatrix said.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: And they kissed.
Sequoia: [distraught] What is happening?
Kim: I told you we weren’t even there yet, to the crazy. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Now we’re here.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Now we’re in it.
Sequoia: We’re in it. We are in it. Did anyone predict that? If you predicted that...
Kim: Let us know.
Sequoia: Let us know.
Kim: Because, what?
Sequoia: [firmly] Because you didn’t. [Kim laughs] Because you’re lying. No one did. Awesome. Is he gonna help them destroy Ginny now? Because they seem to have forgotten completely about the Horcruxes. The Horcruxes are off the...
Kim: They’re back in the time machine. Oh, yeah, no. Who cares?
Sequoia: Oh, we’re not doing that any more?
Kim: Nope. This story’s called The Horcrux Hunt. Done.
Sequoia: Done.
Kim: We did one, that’s enough.
Sequoia: Good. Good.
Kim: Harry and Mione smiled at this beautiful display of love as the time machine raced back to the present to destroy Voldemort and Ginny.
Sequoia: [whispers] Wow.
Kim: [whispers] End chapter five.
Sequoia: [still whispering] Wow. Are they gonna do it?
Kim: Who knows?
Sequoia: I predict they fail. [Kim and Sequoia laugh]
Kim: And they fuckin' die! They get stuck with the dinosaurs back in time, Sequoia!
Sequoia: Yes. Oh, yeah, they didn’t get stuck back in time.
Kim: They could still. Nope, they’re not going to. Chapter six.
Sequoia: ‘Kay. [laughs]
Kim: The time machine landed and the heroic trio of Harry, Hermione, and Bellatrix leapt out along with Sirius Black.
Sequoia: Couldn’t save the Longbottoms though.
Kim: Could not save the Longbottoms.
Sequoia: Idiots.
Kim: All four of them were brandishing their wands and looking about fiercely for Voldemort and Ginny, the evil twosome. [Sequoia laughs] Oh my gosh.
Sequoia: The heroic trio.
Kim: Uh huh. Plus...
Sequoia: And the evil twosome.
Kim: Plus Sirius.
Sequoia: Plus Sirius. And the evil twosome.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Plus some Death Eaters.
Kim: Yeah. The Death Eaters rushed up, but Mione easily knocked out Lucius Malfoy and Wormtail and Angus MacNair with a simple Protean charm.
Sequoia: Why didn’t she just do a thi... with the magic in the fuckin’...
Kim: That’s not...
Sequoia: That’s not a thing.
Kim: The Protean charm is a thing! But it does not do that. [both laugh] Great.
Sequoia: Excellent. Great.
Kim: Harry used Levicorpus and Bella used the stunning charm. Sirius used spells as well.
Sequoia: [laughing] Good.
Kim: And the Death Eaters fell back in defeat.
Sequoia: Everybody used some spells.
Kim: [singing] I love it!
Sequoia: None of the Death Eaters used any spells.
Kim: Nope. They rolled really poorly on their initiative rolls.
Sequoia: Ohh, yeah. So they all had to go last and they were already dead?
Kim: Mhm. Mhm.
Sequoia: Yeah. Sucks to suck. [laughs]
Kim: But then a figure with a great aura of evil began to walk across the field. Harry and Mione shivered as the figure approached. They could feel invisible red waves of hatred and cruelty and unkindness radiating from that evil figure.
Sequoia: Shit! Is it Ginny?
Kim: Harry was sure it was Voldemort, but when the figure got closer... Did he lose his glasses? Why can’t he see who this person is? [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Well, I guess they can feel the waves of anger, but...
Kim: Can’t see.
Sequoia: Too far away to see.
Kim: When the figure got closer, he realized, to his horror and loathing, who it really was. He could not believe he had ever kissed that disgusting, diseased mouth.
Sequoia: Yes. Tramp! [laughs] No!
Kim: It was [laughing] the Ginny tramp. [both laugh at length] I’m not okay.
Sequoia: [laughing] It’s the… it’s the Ginny tramp.
Kim: [laughing] Oh no.
Sequoia: Oh, awesome. Okay.
Kim: Okay. [through laughter] I keep... we just gotta push on. Harry could not believe, now that he was looking at her with eyes unclouded by Amortia... Am... Amorentia... Amorentia!
Sequoia: Amortentia?
Kim: It says Amorentia.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: Love potion!
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: How ugly she really was.
Sequoia: Oh God.
Kim: She was foul and diseased.
Sequoia: Jeez.
Kim: Her yellow teeth were broken and covered in [laughing] green moss.
Sequoia: What the fuck?
Kim: And they stuck out at angles. Her bushy red hair looked like greasy wires the color of diseased blood.
Sequoia: What the shit?
Kim: [laughing] Her eyes were brown like his beloved Mione's, but Ginny's eyes were like dead nuts, in that they had no warmth or light. [Sequoia squeals with suppressed laughter] They were just prisms of pure dead, stupid, ugly, evil.
Sequoia: Oh my God!
Kim: Freckles splattered her face like mud. There was a stench of pigs and sewage about her, and her face bore an expression almost as stupid as it was evil. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Holy shit!
Kim: Whoo!
Sequoia: Girl just got wrecked!
Kim: Whoo! That was so spicy!
Sequoia: [laughing] I can’t. Damn.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Oh man.
Kim: Wow. [both sigh, Sequoia laughs] Harry felt hate and revulsion coursing through his veins.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: He had never seen anyone he had hated more than this vile tramp.
Sequoia: [whispering] Wow. So trampy. Okay. Okay, great.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: We’re good?
Sequoia: They’re gonna murder her.
Kim: [laughing] Oh, yeah. [Sequoia laughs] "Well!" Ginny laughed evilly. "If it isn't my love slave, the Boy Who Lived! Oh, you are a fool, Harry Potter! You'd do anything for me. Anything! You'd walk through fire, because you’re my slave and you always will be!" [clears throat] "NOOO!"
Sequoia: [laughs] Capslock.
Kim: Roared Harry in capslock mode.
Sequoia: Yeah! [both laugh]
Kim: Capslock. Well I mean, he does go into capslock mode sometimes. Canon.
Sequoia: That is canon. Absolutely. Absolutely.
Kim: "YOUR SPELL OVER ME IS BROKEN, YOU EVIL BACKWOODS TRAMP! [Sequoia laughs] I'LL NEVER BE YOURS AGAIN, YOU FILTHY, DISEASE CARRYING..." But then someone grabbed his arm and Harry turned around. Immediately, the fury that had been coursing through his veins died away, to be replaced by a pure feeling of calmness. He felt the only emotion that was stronger than his hate of Ginny. That is to say, his love of Hermione Jane...
Sequoia: Ohh.
Kim: [laughing] ...Sophia Minerva Granger. Did they switch the middle…?
Sequoia: [laughing] They switched it up, it was Minerva Sophia before!
Kim: It’s amazing! Oh my gosh!
Sequoia: [keeps laughing] No!
Kim: So good! [pause] How is this so good?
Sequoia: [laughing] No!
Kim: Yes! I love it so much!
Sequoia: Oh man! [sighs] Okay, okay. He looks at her, and...
Kim: Everything’s fine.
Sequoia: ...everything is fine, and…
Kim: We’re gonna get some more, are you ready?
Sequoia: ...we’re still gonna murder her, but in a nice way.
Kim: So we just got that burn description of Ginny. Are you ready...
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: ...for what’s about to come now?
Sequoia: Oh yes.
Kim: He stared into her beautiful eyes with his own leaf colored ones.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: Those eyes had the strength of espresso coffee, [Sequoia squeals] the sweetness of hot chocolate, and the spice and feistiness of a cinnamon bun. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: What the shit? [Kim and Sequoia keep laughing] [something falls over in the background] [more helpless laughing] What’s feisty about a cinnamon bun? [through uncontrollable laughter] Continue.
Kim: [laughing] I don’t know if I can keep going. [both keep laughing] It’s so good.
Sequoia: Oh no. Oh no. Everyone’s crying.
Kim: I can’t stop crying.
[both say unintelligible words through tears of laughter]
Kim: [laughing] Oh no.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh no.
Kim: Okay, I can do this. I can do this. They were full of intelligence, wisdom, kindness, humor, love and gentleness. All of Mione's magical and marvelous personality could be summed up in that shimmering sweet, glistening chocolate gaze...
Sequoia: [crying] Chocolate gaze.
Kim: ...streaming from those soft, thickly-lashed eyes. [Sequoia moans in the background] Then there was her hair.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: Chocolate brown and laced with bits of gold and red. It fell down her back like a chocolate waterfall, [Sequoia wails] the soft curves beautiful and totally unlike Ginny's greasy scarecrow mop.
Sequoia: [laughing] Tramp!
Kim: [Whispers] Oh my God. [aloud] Hermione was truly the most beautiful girl in the world, as well as the kindest and cleverest.
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Then... [laughs]
Sequoia: Wow.
Kim: Then...
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: If all… As if all of that was not enough...
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: ...here comes some more stuff.
Sequoia: Holy shit.
Kim: Then, without thinking about it, Harry kissed her.
Sequoia: Ju... like... wh... okay.
Kim: We’re there. Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay. Okay.
Kim: A magical feeling of love spread throughout Harry [Sequoia groans] and Mione, and Bella and Siri smiled as they watched and looked lovingly into each other's eyes.
Sequoia: Siri?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: That’s the second time it’s said that, actually.
Sequoia: Oh, good. [both laugh]
Kim: [sighs] The Death Eaters and the evil Ginny shouted in terror and confusion [Sequoia laughs] and staggered back, shocked at this perfect display of love.
Sequoia: It’s… it’s too literal!
Kim: Suddenly...
Sequoia: [like she’s about to cry] Suddenly what? Suddenly what?
Kim: No, you’re not... see, I told you!
Sequoia: No!
Kim: I told you you weren’t ready! No one was ready! [Sequoia laughs] Beams of light...
Sequoia: No.
Kim: ...started shooting from Harry and Mione's lips.
Sequoia: No!
Kim: They shot around, pink and gold, and formed a magical cave of light.
Sequoia: Oh my God! What?
Kim: Some of them hit the Death Eaters, and Lucius Malfoy, Wormtail, and the other Death Eaters turned good! Because they had...
Sequoia: No! No! NO! No! No!
Kim: Because they had been under the Imperius Curse the whole time.
Sequoia: No! Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that, though.
Kim: No! It happened! Let it happen!
Sequoia: [laughing] Jesus Christ.
Kim: This is happening! The magical cave of light! [Sequoia laughs] And love! And friendship! [Sequoia keeps laughing. Kim sighs] They looked around wildly, wondering where they were. They had been rescued from their lives of evil.
Sequoia: [whispering] Nooooo.
Kim: Bellatrix smiled, as her fellows had been rescued from their former bondage to the evil Voldemort and Ginny.
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my God.
Kim: [laughs] Ginny ran from the beings and hid in the shadows, terrified of Mione and Harry's perfect, beautiful love, and also jealous.
Sequoia: Oh my God. [Kim laughs] What?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: What?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Continue.
Kim: Good!
Sequoia: ‘Kay.
Kim: This is...
Sequoia: I can’t...
Kim: This is it!
Sequoia: I can no longer function.
Kim: This is it!
Sequoia: This is... okay. Okay!
Kim: This is how book seven should have gone! [Sequoia laughs] Ready?
Sequoia: No! Continue.
Kim: She screamed like a harpy, her hideously ugly face grimacing in the shadows. Harry smiled at her, not hating her any more...
Sequoia: Oh Jesus.
Kim: ...but just feeling disgust and pity for the ugly, disgusting...
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: ...inbred Weasel tramp.
Sequoia: [laughing] Oh my God! Every time! Although I like how he looks on her with love and then calls her a bunch of shit! [Kim laughs] What the fuck is that?
Kim: It’s what she is. [Sequoia laughs] He’s not calling her a bunch of shit, that’s just what she is! A filthy tramp!
Sequoia: Inbred Weasel tramp. [Kim cackles]
Kim: But then Harry's smile turned to terror. For Voldemort had stepped out of the shadows.
Sequoia: Oh, yes, let’s not forget about Voldemort.
Kim: Who?
Sequoia: Tom. You know. Tom?
Kim: That doesn’t sound right.
Sequoia: Hmm.
Kim: I... I don’t... He was sneering. "Your mother died to save you, Potter brat!" he sneered. "But will your girlfriend do the same?"
Sequoia: Oh shit.
Kim: "NOOOOO!"
Sequoia: Oh, what?
Kim: Shouted Harry, staring wildly at Mione, who was clearly valiantly preparing herself for the sacrifice.
Sequoia: Wait, what?
Kim: She’s... she’s given up. She’s ready. To sacrifice herself for Harry. There’s nothing else they can do.
Sequoia: [splutters] You… ha... you… the... there’s a time machine behind them still, right?
Kim: There’s a what?
Sequoia: A time machine?
Kim: A who?
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I don’t know what you’re talking about. That doesn’t sound right.
Sequoia: Okay great.
Kim: Why would there be time travel in this story? [Sequoia laughs] Sequoia.
Sequoia: What? I don’t know what’s happening.
Kim: He thought about how much he loved Mione and how hurt he would be if she died and how he would do anything for her. The light of his love blazed...
Sequoia: No.
Kim: From his handsome face and his noble green grape eyes.
Sequoia: [squealing] Green grape!
Kim: His crystal glasses flashed.
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my gosh.
Kim: Even his glasses are beautiful, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughs]
Kim: Hermione could not die. He loved her!
Sequoia: Oh my God. What?
Kim: Oh my God, you’re not ready.
Sequoia: What?
Kim: You’re not ready!
Sequoia: What is still gonna happen? What is still... could possibly still…
Kim: Without warning, a white beam shot from Harry's chest.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: A white laser beam composed entirely of pure love!
Sequoia: [screaming] No! That’s way too literal! [Kim laughs]
Kim: The beam hit Voldemort and destroyed him entirely into a heap of ash.
Sequoia: So the last two Horcruxes, no need?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: You just shoot a beam of...
Both: Pure love...
Sequoia: ...from...
Kim: ...like a laser. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Oh my God. Yes.
Kim: Hermione cheered and Siri and Bella did a high five.
Sequoia: Oh, classic Siri and Bella! High fivin’. Makin’ out. [Kim laughs] Sorry.
Kim: Yeah, they high five with their mouths. [Sequoia laughs] All around, the former Death Eaters were cheering and partying.
Sequoia: They had all the party supplies in the tents. They were ready.
Kim: [laughs] Sure.
Sequoia: Just like, some red Solo cups.
Kim: [laughs] Fine.
Sequoia: Some more s’mores.
Kim: "NO, NOT TOMMY!" screamed Ginny.
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus, she’s still there!
Kim: She’s still there. Rushing out of the shadows. Then she glared evilly at Harry and Mione. "Oh, who cares!" she snarled. "I can be the Dark Lord instead! And you will never be the hero who conquered the Dark Lord, Potter, because I'm going to kill you!"
Sequoia: Did you not witness...
Kim: The laser beam?
Sequoia: ...the laser beam of pure love?
Kim: You wanna fight the laser beam? Maybe he’s only got one of those. A one time deal.
Sequoia: One time deal? No. Okay. She’s gonna kill him.
Kim: Yeah. Hermione calmly pointed her wand at Ginny. [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh shit.
Kim: I don’t know if I can say this.
Sequoia: Oh my God. Okay.
Kim: Okay, I can say this. I can do this. "Loveada Kedavra!"
Sequoia: [laughing] No! It’s love instead? [Kim laughs] [Sequoia groans]
Kim: She intoned in a firm, brave voice.
Sequoia: [groaning] What does it do?
Kim: Ginny dropped down dead.
Sequoia: It kills her still?
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Then what’s the fuckin’ point?
Kim: Harry stared at Mione in amazement. She had turned the most evil spell into a tool of love!
Sequoia: What the fuck, she still died!
Kim: It only kills evil people. Why not?
Sequoia: Then why didn’t she do that to Voldemort?
Kim: Because she just made it up.
Sequoia: Okay. Oh, it’s probably because he has Horcruxes.
Kim: Oh, so she had to...
Sequoia: So only the love… only the pure love laser beam can get him.
Kim: [laughing] Yeah. Yeah.
Sequoia: That checks out.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: ...turned the most evil spell into a tool of love. Surely, she was the bravest and greatest witch of this or any other age! [Sequoia laughs] She would be more famous than Merlin some day! And he had the privilege of being her boyfriend. He s...
Sequoia: Oh my God, you guys haven’t had a DTR yet.
Kim: He stepped over Ginny’s corpse to kiss Mione again. [Sequoia screams. Kim joins in] Amazing.
Sequoia: Is that…?
Kim: No. A little more.
Sequoia: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay.
Kim: Harry and Mione kissed and they both knew in their hearts that no matter what worlds and marvels would come, no matter what lay ahead, there could never be, in any place or time, any greater magic than this. [whispering] The end.
Sequoia: Holy fucking shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Okay, so this is the only way you make Harry and Hermione work, is to literally have them kiss over Ginny’s dead body?
Kim: The tramp.
Sequoia: The tramp? The Weasel tramp?
Kim: This is it. This is the only Harry/Hermione that could ever be. [Sequoia laughs weakly] Don’t tweet at us. [Sequoia laughs harder]
Sequoia: Don’t @ me. Um… just… um…
Kim: Yeah? [pause] I found that.
Sequoia: Um…
Kim: And I love it.
Sequoia: That was so great. I literally don’t know how to… take it all in.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: All I know is that I think I need one of Mrs. Weasley’s famous chili dogs.
Kim: To cleanse this from your system?
Sequoia: To cleanse this from my life.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: No. That was entirely enjoyable.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: The whole thing was great.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: I agree with you, there was nothing to be cut. You could not cut any of that. That was all good.
Kim: All of it was necessary.
Sequoia: Yes. So much just happened.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And, you know, listeners, we just did this in one sitting. And I just want you to understand how that makes a person feel.
Kim: I feel broken.
Sequoia: I also feel broken. But in like a wonderful way. [both sigh] Oh, man. That was great. Thank you so much for finding that.
Kim: Yeah. I’ve had that a long time. Glad I finally found some way to do it. To give it… to do it justice.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah for sure.
Kim: Because… I didn’t know what I was going to do with it otherwise.
Sequoia: So that was tagged… Ginny bash… Ginny and Ron bashing, or…
Kim: Oh!
Sequoia: Oh shit!
Kim: It’s time for a segment!
Sequoia: It’s time for our favorite segment!
Kim: Wait.
Sequoia: Except for someone sent us an email the other day that said they love our podcast except for this segment. [Kim laughs] Which is just amazing. And I agree with you.
Kim: [whispering] Yes. Where is it? Okay, here we go. Now it’s time for our favourite segment.
Both: [singing tunelessly] Summariiies!
Kim: Basically what I think is going to happen in book seven. Harry and Mione go on a quest to discover the Horcruxes and maybe romance. [Sequoia squeaks] A must read for Ginny haters.
Sequoia: Oh my God! That’s what got you in, right? A must read for Ginny haters?
Kim: I… I… I… so... I think I mentioned this in one of the previous episodes, a couple hours ago for us, I found this one actually through another one of this person’s fanfics.
Sequoia: Oh, right. Right, right, right.
Kim: There’s another fanfic they wrote that’s also extreme Ginny bashing, but it’s twice as long as this one and features an amazing OC.
Sequoia: Great. [laughs]
Kim: Maybe someday I’ll figure out how to do that one.
Sequoia: [laughing] Okay.
Kim: Because, man, is it great. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: But until that day, extreme Ginny bashing. [laughs]
Sequoia: Awesome. Extreme Ginny bashing. Okay, great.
Kim: Yup.
Sequoia: Do you have a recommendation?
Kim: Do I have a recommendation? Of course I have a recommendation! I’m gonna rec some Harry/Ginny!
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Because that’s just kinda the shithead I am. [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: I need it at this point.
Kim: Okay. This one is called Centrifugal Force, and it is so sweet.
Sequoia: Excellent.
Kim: It’s some really nice Harry/Ginny.
Sequoia: Good.
Kim: If you need that to cleanse your palette. If you don’t...
Sequoia: I do. I’m sure you do. I’m sure you do.
Kim: ...just go read this story again.
Sequoia: I’m sure that you do need it. Is the thing. [Kim sighs heavily] Great.
Kim: So, we’ve been recording a long time now. We’re gonna be releasing these three in a row.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: We’re gonna take a week off.
Sequoia: Yeah. So the next episode will come out in two weeks.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So there will be…
Kim: That was kind of a marathon, we need…
Sequoia: A minute. [laughs]
Kim: I need many minutes.
Sequoia: We need several minutes. Anyway, yeah. More than likely that’s gonna be what happens. So yeah, we will let you know.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: We’ll… we’ll be tweetin’.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And some stuff.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: And things.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Mhm. If you would like to follow us on social media to get updates on when our next episode is gonna be, and to tell us how you liked this format...
Kim: Yeah!
Sequoia: We really wanna know.
Kim: This was really different, so...
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: ...let us know what you think. If you’re okay with us doing more long things like this, or maybe if you want us to switch it up somehow, let us know and we will take that into consideration.
Sequoia: Yeah, absolutely. We definitely wanna get your feedback on this, so email us at fanaticalfics@gmail.com, or follow us on social media, tweet at us, let us know what you thought. Twitter...
Both: Instagram.
Sequoia: Facebook.
Kim: @FanaticalFics.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: You can also go to our website, where you can find a list of all of our recommendations, all of our episodes, along with our story submission form.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: If you’ve got something great to share with us, share it with us!
Sequoia: We want to read it.
Kim: Yep. Is it... if it’s good, if it’s crazy, whatever.
Sequoia: Whatever.
Kim: Send it to us. I love it.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Yes, yes, yes.
Kim: That’s fanaticalfics.com.
Sequoia: On fanaticalfics.com, you can find a link to our Patreon page, which is just one of the many ways to support the podcast.
Kim: Yep, there’s some... over on our Patreon, there’s some cool bonus audio content, bonus written content, as well as some swag at the higher tiers, so check that out. But if you’re not interested in supporting us on Patreon, there are other ways you can support us.
Sequoia: Leave us a review on Facebook or iTunes. Those are very helpful. They help us find new listeners, they help listeners be like, is this podcast good? And then they look at the reviews and they’re like...
Kim: They’re like ohhh!
Sequoia: It looks insane, what is happening? [Kim laughs] So, that helps us out a ton.
Kim: Keep leaving those, and we will keep shouting you out at the top of episodes.
Sequoia: Absolutely. And tell your friends! You know, you got friends. You got friends who like Harry Potter. You got friends who like...
Kim: Crazy?
Sequoia: Crazy stuff. Yeah. It’s not exclusive to liking Harry Potter, it’s uhh…
Kim: You like some nonsense? We got some nonsense.
Sequoia: Some… some insane stuff.
Kim: I am not okay. [laughs]
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. If you think you have a friend who wants to listen to… two friends laughing really loud for the majority of forty-five minutes...
Kim: And sobbing for a little bit.
Sequoia: Some sobbing. Yeah. Then this is perfect for them.
Kim: [laughing] No.
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: Did you just say we were friends?
Sequoia: Oh no, they’re not supposed to know. I forgot. I forgot we... had that ruse going.
Kim: Is it a ruse?
Sequoia: That bit that was happening.
Kim: The tension! Dramatic tension!
Sequoia: There’s no dramatic tension. Only... only...
Kim: I’m not okay!
Sequoia: I’m emotionally drained. And of course, for our theme song, thank you to The Whomping Willows. It’s their amazing song, Wolfstar. [In a demonic, hoarse snarl] Bye!
Kim: Bye! [laughs]