Episode 30: Harry and Mione's Horcrux Hunt (Part 1)
We’re trying out something new this time… get ready for a story in three parts, three weeks in a row! That’s right, this time you won’t have to wait two weeks to hear our monotone voices dripping with sarcasm. Tune in next week for part two of three, and make A MILLION PREDICTIONS so you too can go STRAIGHT TO THE POINTS MOON.
Reach the final installment of this story to get the prize at the end, our recommendation!
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Amy
Checker: Skylar
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Kim: So.
Sequoia: So, it was my birthday.
Kim: [laughs] Recently.
Sequoia: Recently.
Kim: And...
Sequoia: You may have seen [laughs] the drawing that was done of me [Kim laughs in background] making a face at Draco while he makes a kissy face at me.
Kim: That’s the only... not “a” face, the only face you make.
Sequoia: The face. Which Marissa then reply tweeted with a picture of me making that face.
Kim: Yeah, it was the exact same face. It was good.
Sequoia: It was the same face, which is great. But at my birthday party we did [long pause] Harry Potter trivia.
Kim: Because Sequoia decided that the way she wanted to spend her birthday was organising and then running pub trivia. Fine.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: That’s normal.
Sequoia: Well, it is. That’s who I am. [Kim laughs] And I’m not entirely sure why anyone would think any differently of what I was going to do. [Kim still laughing] Like, it’s my birthday, therefore I’m gonna get a bunch of people together and plan a party for them.
Kim: Yeah, and then also keeping with character... in character. I refused to play with my team.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Insisted on playing by myself.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: And then took first place because I’m not a normal human. [Sequoia laughs] I shouldn’t... I shouldn’t have been allowed to compete, let’s be real.
Sequoia: You shouldn’t. Well, here’s the thing though. It was very close.
Kim: It... it was close.
Sequoia: You only won by like four points.
Kim: But only because the last round was just Draco.
Sequoia: Yeah. [Kim laughs] I did an entire round on just Draco.
Kim: [sighs] It was never going to be fair. I apologize to everyone else who was there.
Sequoia: Good. You should.
Kim: And to the listeners. For existing.
Sequoia: Good. Glad we got that out of the way.
Kim: Happy birthday, Sequoia.
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I'm Sequoia Simone.
Kim: And I'm Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them.
Kim: It's our podcast where we read Harry Potter fanfiction. To you.
Sequoia: Some... some.... some stuff. It’s our podcast where we do some stuff. [Kim groans] And then read some Harry Potter fanfiction. [laughs]
Kim: You know, maybe we’ll try to keep this opening bit shorter this time. [Sequoia laughs] We’ve been getting, like, longer every time recently.
Sequoia: Yeah, I know.
Kim: I feel like last episode it was like half an hour of just us bullshitting.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah, yeah.
Kim: And then ten minutes of fanfic.
Sequoia: It’s fine. [Kim laughs quietly] We had a lot to get through. And we have some stuff to get through today, but not a whole ton.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: But...
Kim: I mean, we can probably just bullshit for a while again.
Sequoia: We could.
Kim: Do… do you want that?
Sequoia: Oh God. We’ve done this bit before.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: Shit. [laughs]
Kim: I have no memories before today. [Sequoia laughs quietly]
Sequoia: We’ve done... we did this. We did this bit.
Kim: [indignantly] Fine!
Sequoia: Let me tell ya.
Kim: Cut this!
Sequoia: [groans] We do have some reviews that we...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...would like to shout out. [singing] Shout out our reviews. Today. [both laugh] Yeah, good?
Kim: That was great.
Sequoia: Fine. We have a new review on Facebook from Lexi Harvey, who is completely obsessed. [Kim laughs] And I appreciate you. We appreciate you. Thank you, Lexi.
Kim: We got a couple of reviews on iTunes as well, so shout out to Jakoo771, and yes, I agree with this review they... that everyone needs to tweet us.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Please tweet at us.
Sequoia: Thank you for telling people to tweet us.
Kim: It, like, feeds our, I don't know, vanity.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly.
Kim: Whatever. And also shout out to World... WordGirl666, that’s a great name.
Sequoia: [laughs] I’m about it.
Kim: I’m glad that this brings you up when you’re listening to the news because man, the news sucks.
Sequoia: That it does.
Kim: So. And we’re providing that service I guess.
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you for leaving us reviews.
Kim: They really mean a lot to us.
Sequoia: They do. I love it every time.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: I like... [sighs]
Kim: Speaking of reviews, I posted that fanfic on the internet and I’ve gotten like two reviews.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yes!
Kim: And it’s, like, the biggest rush I’ve ever felt. [Sequoia laughs] Like, there are people reading this garbage I’ve written and enjoying it. I don’t deserve this!
Sequoia: Oh, man. [Kim laughs] That’s exciting. That’s exciting, I'm excited for you. And your illustrious fanfiction career.
Kim: Right?
Sequoia: Yessss.
Kim: Here we go!
Sequoia: [whispers] Yesssss.
Kim: Gonna do something! No, I’m not.
Sequoia: Some... some stuff.
Kim: Yes, this is not going anywhere.
Sequoia: Somebody tweeted at us that they like the bit where we say we’re going to do stuff and then we don’t [laughs] do it. And that was the last thing I needed, is for somebody to tell me that not only is that okay, they enjoy it.
Kim: No. [Sequoia laughs] I don’t know that I’ve ever felt so attacked in my entire life.
Sequoia: I loved it. All right, great.
Kim: Phew. Spicy.
Sequoia: Spicy. Hot take.
Kim: Is your fic gonna be up by the time this episode goes up, on Patreon?
Sequoia: No, but yours is.
Kim: [laughs] Great.
Sequoia: Mine still needs a rewrite.
Kim: [disbelievingly] Sure.
Sequoia: It’s on my calendar!
Kim: God, that’s like the classic line!
Sequoia: What!? Okay.
Kim: [in high-pitched voice] Under rewrite! Coming back up soon!
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus Christ! [laughs]
Kim: That’s what fanfic writers sound like. [Sequoia laughs] I’m sorry, I don't mean that.
Sequoia: Fucking... [laughs] I hate you. But yeah, true, that’s what I’m doing. That’s what I’m doing. I need to rewrite it and then I need to have it fucking edited by a person who knows the English language, because I...
Kim: And that’s not me.
Sequoia: Yeah, it’s not me, it’s Harrison. Because I cannot be… I can… I… [groans] Grammar and I, we are not friends.
Kim: Well, either way, Patrons, there will be a third one of mine up at some point.
Sequoia: Yep. And me at...
Kim: Shut up.
Sequoia: ...the thing.
Kim: Look for that.
Sequoia: Great. Good. I’m glad we are all on the same page.
Kim: It’s gross. No, it’s not, it’s not like gross. [Sequoia laughs] It’s... I don’t know.
Sequoia: It’s [whiny voice] gross.
Kim: Yes. That.
Sequoia: Ok. Great, yeah.
Kim: So.
Sequoia: There’s a big difference between [low gruff voice] gross and [high-pitched whiny voice] gross.
Kim: Look for that, I guess.
Sequoia: Okay, good. Guys. We’re doing a thing.
Kim: Oh, yeah. Okay. So, here’s the deal. Before we...
Sequoia: Here’s the deal.
Kim: ...we jump into this. This story has been on my list for at least a year at this point.
Sequoia: Awesome.
Kim: It is about twice as long as anything we’ve ever read on here before and I am unable to cut it down because the entire thing is solid fucking gold.
Sequoia: [laughs] I’m so stoked.
Kim: So I came to Sequoia and I was like, look, here’s the thing, I need to read this to you. And I think what we should do is spilt this shit into two episodes. So I am going to read this to Sequoia, and we are going to release it to you as two.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: [sing-song voice] Two part episode.
Sequoia: Two part episode.
Kim: We’re trying it.
Sequoia: We’re trying it out.
Kim: If you hate it, my feelings won’t be too hurt.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah. This story is going to take up all of September for us, and then afterwards, just kind of like let us know what you’re thinking.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And how you liked that format. And you know we will love the feedback on that.
Kim: Yeah, I… I mean there’s a lot of really fun longer fanfics out there, and it would be really fun to be able to do that, so if this works for you let us know. If not, then, I don’t know, we’ll revisit this.
Sequoia: Yeah, exactly, exactly. So we’re really excited to be tryin’ this out, to be doing sort of a longer fic for ya, doing a new thing. New year, new us.
Kim: New thing. Shuddup. Don’t look at me.
Sequoia: [creepy voice] Hey.
Kim: The other thing I wanted to say before I jump into this story. It’s amazing, a). And b), I'm reasonably sure this is satire. Without giving too much away about it, I'm reasonably sure it's satire, but...?
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: We'll get into this more afterwards. This author is very committed to the bit if it is satire.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: So we’ll get into this later, like, more, but just wanted to mention that at the top so that you could all keep that in mind, I think.
Sequoia: I mean. All right. Cool. [Kim laughs] I mean, there's nothing I like more than commitment to a bit. [both laugh] So. So, I'm ready.
Kim: All right. All of that said, let's do your… I feel so bad for you.
Sequoia: Fucking. Fuck. [Kim laughs] Shut up.
Kim: Let's do some predictions.
Sequoia: Did you see the points though?
Kim: What? No, I don’t look.
Sequoia: You didn't see the last time I tweeted the points?
Kim: No. Are we tied?
Sequoia: I am point five points behind you.
Kim: Oh, shit!
Sequoia: Yeah. Yeah, it's happening, folks. [Kim laughs] I'm doing it. I'm getting there.
Kim: The points moon.
Sequoia: The points moon. Fucking the points moon! Jesus Christ.
Kim: [Laughs] Okay. Here we go. Don't forget to tweet your predictions at us with #FanficDivination or send them to us in any other way. I won’t be getting them.
Sequoia: Draw them, dude. Let's do the drawing and put them on Instagram again.
Kim: We've got some as, like, direct messages and some as like emails. I just like getting them, to know that I'm not the only one that's fucking this up.
Sequoia: Yeah. Exactly. Help us.
Kim: So send those to us. And if everyone's ready…
Sequoia: [whispers] I’m ready. [speaks] I’ve never been more ready.
Kim: I don't even know if I can read the title.
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: Okay, here we go. This is called [pause] Harry and Mione’s [Sequoia makes retching noise]... I vomited a little... Horcrux Hunt.
Sequoia: Ohhhhhhh.
Kim: And the genre is romance and drama.
Sequoia: [slowly] Ohhhhhhhh my God. Oh my God. Um, um, um. [Kim laughs] Did you find me some Harry/Hermione? What’s happening? I think I’m... I think I'm experiencing an entire shutdown of my whole body. I don’t... I don’t think...
Kim: [cry laughing] I don't think I can read this because I’m crying.
Sequoia: Oh my God, what is happening? No. Now you absolutely have to read it because you're crying. And I need to know why. First off. [Kim laughing/crying quietly]
Kim: All right.
Sequoia: Okay, so here's the thing. I think this is Harry/Hermione.
Kim: [indignantly] I don't know that that's fair. It says it in the title.
Sequoia: I mean, it doesn't say that it's romance.
Kim: It does.
Sequoia: The romance between the two of them.
Kim: Uh huh. Okay, fine.
Sequoia: Fine. I won't do it. Let's see. The Horcrux Hunt. Okay. I'm gonna say that in this fic they... let's see, it's romance/drama?
Kim: Yeah. I would actually probably tag this adventure.
Sequoia: Yeah, okay, I'm going to guess that they break into a house that they're not supposed to be in.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: I'm going to guess that they... that Harry and Hermione are not together at the beginning. Of the fanfiction.
Kim: Great. Sure.
Sequoia: And I'm going to guess that it begins at Hogwarts.
Kim: Cool. Those are great.
Sequoia: Okay, there we go. I just said some shit.
Kim: No, those are great.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: I think those are all reasonable. We might... we might do more at the midpoint, I think. I think we should.
Sequoia: Phew. Yeah.
Kim: The story is fucking insane.
Sequoia: That's kind of why I guessed some beginning of the fic stuff, because I think...
Kim: Yeah, that’s reasonable.
Sequoia: Okay. All right. I'm so excited. I don't... I don't know. I've literally... okay, read it to me.
Kim: Chapter One: Harry and Mione’s Horcrux Hunt. Okay, ready? Ready?
Sequoia: Okay. Okay. I’m ready.
Kim: Twenty minutes after eating some of Mrs. Weasley’s finest chili dogs, Harry Potter...
Sequoia: [both laughing] Okay, yes.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Oh, I can't even, okay. Yeah.
Kim: Yeah, okay. Harry Potter felt like his insides were filled with molten hot lead.
Sequoia: [cackling laughing] They're not the finest chili dogs then, I wouldn’t say.
Kim: No. Harry didn't like chili dogs, but Molly Weasley had stood above him as he'd eaten them, and “encouraged” him to have fourths and fifths.
Sequoia: Classic.
Kim: Harry had been too polite to refuse and admit that he thought Molly's chili dogs were the foulest thing he'd ever tasted.
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Kim: That woman was always mothering him. Harry thought. Always breathing down the back of his neck.
Sequoia: How dare she?
Kim: She wouldn't let him stand up on his own two feet.
Sequoia: Oh, no.
Kim: I mean that's kind of valid, right? She's... she's kind of overbearing.
Sequoia: I mean. She's a helicopter mom.
Kim: But Harry appreciates that most of the time.
Sequoia: Yeah, because you know, he only goes through it for the summer.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: And also he grew up with people who hate him. So like, yes, this is good for him. He likes this.
Kim: Yeah, not today.
Sequoia: Not today.
Kim: Ginny...
Sequoia: [groans] Oh no.
Kim: ...had refused to eat any of the chili dogs.
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: She had sat there glaring at Harry with a furious expression on her face.
Sequoia: [whispers] Oh my God. [laughs] Oh no, what did he do?
Kim: She had been behaving in an angry and immature way with Harry all holiday, since he had dumped her to protect her from Voldemort.
Sequoia: [sighs] How dare she?
Kim: [laughs] Be upset that he dumped her?
Sequoia: Yeah, how dare she?
Kim: Yeah, yep. Harry's bowels heaved in protest... [both laugh] I actually cut a little bit of the poop stuff. There was more. There was more.
Sequoia: Oh my God.
Kim: I didn’t think you would like it.
Sequoia: I think you guessed correctly.
Kim: Harry's bowels heaved in protest and he jogged away from Bill and Fleur’s wedding to find the outhouse.
Sequoia: They're serving Molly's chili dogs at Bill and Fleur's wedding?!
Kim: [laughs] Yeah.
Sequoia: And Mrs. Weasley has nothing better to do with the wedding.
Kim: Nope.
Sequoia: Than stand over Harry and make him eat until he becomes ill.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Yeah, okay. Valid.
Kim: [laughs] When he got there, there was a massive line of ugly red haired people waiting to use it. [both laugh]
Sequoia: I love that this author knew that that wedding was gonna be full of just, like, Weasleys, Weasleys, Weasleys.
Kim: I mean, of course it was. They’re, like, a huge family.
Sequoia: Right, but like... yeah.
Kim: Weird that they don't have any cousins at Hogwarts.
Sequoia: It is weird. How have I never thought of that?
Kim: No.
Sequoia: I don’t know. There's enough of them that Harry gets to be like, I'm also one.
Kim: Yeah, I know, right? [Sequoia laughs] You can't, like, sneak an extra cousin in unless your family is...
Sequoia: Giant.
Kim: ...huge. Or else people would be like, no, you're not.
Sequoia: Yeah. Who's that?
Kim: Who’s that guy? Oh, well, whatever.
Sequoia: Awesome. Awesome.
Kim: Harry supposed these must be the Weasley clan. Harry really...
Sequoia: No. No fucking shit, Harry.
Kim: Just some redheaded people standing around. I don’t know.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Harry supposed... Oh no, wait. Harry really needed to go. He couldn't wait any longer, his bowels were straining, so he looked around for another outhouse. There was another one in a distant field about half a mile away. He ran to it.
Sequoia: Oh my God. This is not starting like I thought it was going to start.
Kim: It’s not? [both laugh]
Sequoia: What, you didn’t know that they were gonna serve Molly's famous chili dogs at the wedding?
Kim: [laughing] I do like that it’s at the wedding.
Sequoia: Oh, excellent. Yes.
Kim: After Harry had finished ridding himself of the yucky chili dogs...
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: ...he went back outside to look to where Bill and Fleur’s wedding was in progress. Nope. That didn't make any sense.
Sequoia: Cool.
Kim: After Harry had finished ridding himself of the yucky chili dogs, he went back outside to check how Bill and Fleur’s wedding was progressing. He saw that there was black smoke rising from the field, and the whole area looked like it had been hit by a nuclear bomb.
Sequoia: Holy shit!
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Well, it’s a good thing that he...
Kim: Had to dump.
Sequoia: Had to... yeah.
Kim: [both laughing] For ten hours or whatever. He missed. He didn't even hear...
Sequoia: [laughing] He was struggling so much. [incredulously] What is in the chili dogs?
Kim: Laxatives?
Sequoia: [laughs] Amazing, great.
Kim: “Oh no,” Harry cried!
Sequoia: [laughs] Sorry.
Kim: It’s fine.
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s a valid response. I don't know why that was funny.
Kim: It’s fine. ‘Cause he’s been pooping for ten hours? Grabbing his wand and running toward the field. [dramatically] What if someone was hurt?
Sequoia: Oh, what… do… he… Oh Harry. Why are you bad at everything? Of course... of course someone is hurt.
Kim: Nah, they're all fine. Harry rushed up to the field and the stench of burnt Weasley hit him.
Sequoia: Oh my God! [laughing]
Kim: Hit him full in the nostrils.
Sequoia: What does that smell like?
Kim: He could see charred bodies with red hair everywhere.
Sequoia: [slowly] Oh my God. None of this is… [sighs]
Kim: Yeah? Right.
Sequoia: I ju... I wasn't…. I can’t. I am not... not.... I wasn't ready. I'm not ready.
Kim: No one could ever have been ready for this.
Sequoia: I am morbidly curious...
Kim: Where this is going?
Sequoia: ...what burnt Weasley smells like. [laughs]
Kim: Of course. Fucking... I don't think that’s the important part.
Sequoia: No?
Kim: “Harry!” a voice cried, “Harry!” It was Hermione. Harry felt tears of joy pricking in his eyes to see her alive and well. They rushed up to each other and hugged madly. “Mione, you're okay! What happened here?”
Sequoia: No. [both laugh]
Kim: It’s gonna... it’s the whole thing. The whole thing.
Sequoia: No! Okay.
Kim: “What happened here?” Harry asked. “Oh, Harry!” Hermione said, and there were tears in her eyes. “It was terrible! There was a huge fireball and an explosion, and it looks like nearly everyone is dead! I think the Death Eaters and Voldemort were behind it!”
Sequoia: No fucking shit!
Kim: Jesus. Right?
Sequoia: You guys.
Kim: Come on.
Sequoia: Oh, man.
Kim: “Oh no, Mione, are we the only survivors?” Harry asked, shocked. Hermione said tearfully, “Minerva is still alive, and Hagrid, and the people from the Ministry, but all the Weasleys are gone.”
Sequoia: [laughs] Why is that funny?
Kim: I don’t... every Weasley is dead, everybody else survived.
Sequoia: But like yeah, only every Weasley. The fireball....
Kim: Just Weasleys.
Sequoia: ...just hit the Weasleys. But also this is a really, like, upsetting way to get rid of their love interests [Kim laughs quietly] so that you could make Harry and Hermione work. And I'm telling you guys right now. This is the only way you make it work.
Kim: [laughs loudly] Everyone else is dead.
Sequoia: Everyone else... everyone else has to die.
Kim: [laughs] You don't even know what they're gonna do to make it work, Sequoia.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: There's more.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: “All the Weasleys are gone, even Ron and Ginny.” “Oh no, that's terrible.” Harry said sadly.
Sequoia: [laughs] Great.
Kim: It is terrible.
Sequoia: It is terrible.
Kim: They walked away from the disaster site with their heads hanging in sadness. Minerva ran up to them and she said, “Harry, thank goodness you're okay!” And she started hugging Harry and Mione very tight, and suddenly Harry felt safe and protected with Mione’s soft chocolate hair...
Sequoia: No.
Kim: ...warmly brushing his face.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: He felt a rush of love towards Mione.
Sequoia: [slowly] What the fuck?
Kim: But he didn't know what to make of it. He thought, “I guess it's probably platonic, because Hermione's like a sister to me.”
Sequoia: Oh my God. Okay, so here's the thing.
Kim: What's up?
Sequoia: What the fuck? [Kim laughs] Too soon, Harry, too soon.
Kim: Everyone he’s ever loved is dead, except for Hermione.
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: So that's happening.
Sequoia: I thought he was gonna feel like, protected, because like, McGonagall was hugging him.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: And he's like...
Kim: No.
Sequoia: ...McGonagall is safe.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: But no, no.
Kim: It’s Hermione’s hair.
Sequoia: It’s Hermione’s hair is touching him.
Kim: And he’s like...
Sequoia: He has problems. [laughs]
Kim: ...I’m having platonic feelings, right now. Normal things. [both laugh] Fucking Harry, man.
Sequoia: Shit.
Kim: Later, when things were being cleared up and there was an investigation and Rita Skeeter was taking photos of the charred Weasley bodies... [laughing]
Sequoia: Okay, that is not out of the realm of possibility. [Kim laughs] Rita Skeeter is a cold bitch.
Kim: She's not a photographer though.
Sequoia: Okay. I mean, come on.
Kim: [laughs] Ugh, the charred...
Sequoia: She’s got like a camera version of the Quick Quotes Quill that takes pictures, and you look at the picture and you're like, I don't even think that that's what that was...
Kim: That does sound right.
Sequoia: ...in the first place. Right? Yeah.
Kim: I mean, I don't think you need to like excite up a bunch of charred bodies.
Sequoia: Like amp up the charred bodies.
Kim: No. You don’t need to yellow journalism that. That is already exciting enough.
Sequoia: Nope. Oh, man, Rita Skeeter. What a bitch.
Kim: [cackling laugh] [takes deep breath] Sure. Let's see. While Rita Skeeter was taking both photos, something disturbing was found.
Sequoia: The... something disturbing was not already found?
Kim: Something even more disturbing,
Sequoia: Okay, great.
Kim: “Harry,” Hermione said, “I have good news and bad news.”
Sequoia: Uhhhhhm...
Kim: I don’t think she has good news. I seriously doubt that.
Sequoia: Yeah, what could the good news possibly be?
Kim: “Huh?” Harry said. [Sequoia snorts] “Harry, it looks like Ginny didn't die in the explosion!”
Sequoia: What?
Kim: “Wow, Mione, that is good news!” All right, I... I guess I didn't read this story. Whatever. “But wait,” Mione said.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: “There's more.”
Sequoia: Oh my God!
Kim: “Ginny's coat was found lying on the ground, and there were vials of love potion inside it!”
Sequoia: [very slowly] What?!
Kim: “Oh my God, what does that mean!?” Harry asked.
Sequoia: I just. I... um…
Kim: Yeah, what?
Sequoia: I...
Kim: What?
Sequoia: Um...
Kim: What?
Sequoia: That's fucking insane.
Kim: I love it. [laughs]
Sequoia: Great.
Kim: “We think she was dosing you with love potion throughout last year, Harry.”
Sequoia: [whispers] Oh my God.
Kim: Hermione said with a very serious expression.
Sequoia: Hermione planted those there. [laughs]
Kim: Right?! “And that's not the worst.” [Sequoia makes vomiting noises] [Kim reads dramatically] “What could be worse than that? How could she? How could she take advantage of my feelings by giving me love potion?”
Sequoia: [dramatically] How can she take advantage of my feelings by giving me feelings? [Kim laughs]
Kim: Harry shouted, going into caps lock mode.
Sequoia: [slowly] Oh my God. [quickly] Oh my God. Oh my God! [Kim laughs quietly] Oh my God. Oh my God, I'm gonna put that in every single story I write forever for the rest of time.
Kim: Please don't.
Sequoia: [growls passionately] Yes. I love it.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: [hissing] Yes.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: What’s... okay, so there's a worse thing.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay, what's the worse thing? I want to know.
Kim: “It looks like she's been giving it to me and Ron, too.” [loud laughter]
Sequoia: [slowly] Fucking what?! [loud laughter continues] [slowly] What?
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: What?!
Kim: What?
Sequoia: This is… that’s… we’re… I’m… mad. Continue.
Kim: Hermione said sadly. “I wondered why I felt those feelings when I saw Ron kissing Lavender Brown, and I guess it's because Ginny gave me love potion.”
Sequoia: [slowly and loudly] Oh my God.
Kim: “But why would she do that?” Harry asked, feeling very confused.
Sequoia: That’s a good question. Yeah, I would like to know the motivation.
Kim: “I don't know Harry,” Hermione said, “But at least we are free from the potion’s influence now.”
Sequoia: [whispering] Oh my God.
Kim: “Come on, Mione!” Harry shouted.
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus.
Kim: “Let's go on a quest to find the evil Death Eaters who did this and give them some justice!”
Sequoia: [laughs] Ah, oh yeah, Harry Potter doling out some sweet justice.
Kim: Yes, let's just skip over all the trauma we've had. All of this weird, weird shit.
Sequoia: All of our friends are dead, except the one friend that's not dead and has just been drugging us.
Kim: Let's all skip over that.
Sequoia: Not a big deal.
Kim: Get some justice.
Sequoia: I'd like to feel your hair. [both laugh]
Kim: [mutters] Fucking Harry.
Kim: “Yes, let's,” said Mione, “And we can find the Horcruxes on the way.”
Sequoia: Wow. Yeah.
Kim: Mione’s chocolate eyes shone tears in the sun.
Sequoia: No, no, no, they didn’t.
Kim: And Harry gently took her hand.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: They walked off together.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: End chapter one.
Sequoia: No, no.
Kim: We have two more chapters to get through before we can stop.
Sequoia: Oh my God. Oh my God.
Kim: This is going longer than I thought.
Sequoia: Oh my God. So here's the thing though.
Kim: What's up?
Sequoia: This is the only way that Harry and Hermione works. [Kim laughs] This is it. You found it.
Kim: I thought this was a good jumping point into Harmony.
Sequoia: I don't wanna... I don't wanna call it Harmony.
Kim: It's what they call it!
Sequoia: I know, but I don't want to.
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Because Harmony is such, like, a nice word.
Kim: Oh, right.
Sequoia: Right.
Kim: Some Harry/Hermione bullshit.
Sequoia: Exactly. There we go. There it is. [Kim laughs] Ron/Hermione OTP. Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system.
Kim: Sure, okay, great. Let's go to chapter two.
Sequoia: Excellent. Oh, yeah.
Kim: Mione... I'm trying to get through it, but man. [Sequoia laughs] Mione and Harry walked for miles through a sunlit wood, [Sequoia snorts] past bluebells, blossoms and bright daffodils. They passed…
Sequoia: [shouting] ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE DEAD!
Kim: Yeah. But they sucked anyway, Sequoia, come on. Get on the story’s level.
Sequoia: Yeah, Mrs. Weasley's chilli dogs are no more.
Kim: [quietly] Who serves chilli dogs at a wedding?! [laughs] They passed a bubbling brook, and there were birds singing in the air and chipmunks scuttling on the ground.
Sequoia: [whispers] The shit?
Kim: There was a sweet smell of perfume in the air...
Sequoia: When did this become a Disney movie?
Kim: ...in spite of the horrors they had faced? They could not help but feel there was a sense of happiness...
Sequoia: [whispers] Oh my God.
Kim: ...and somehow a new beginning.
Sequoia: This is the same day, right?
Kim: Yeah, yeah.
Sequoia: Okay, good. I just wanted to clear that up.
Kim: Ten minutes later.
Sequoia: Ten minutes later. You know what, we've now entered a Disney movie and therefore I feel at peace. [Kim laughs] The birds are singing, they're gonna help me make a dress for the ball. Probably, right? That's what's happening.
Kim: Yeah. No. Harry looked at Mione and found that same strange new feeling needling him. He ignored it.
Sequoia: He doesn't know what actual love feels like.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Because he's been under the influence.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: So he only knows what that feels like.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: So, I buy it.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I'm ready.
Kim: You're in again.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: No. [both laugh] “Where do you think we'll find the first Horcrux, Mione?” Harry asked.
Sequoia: How about right here? And then a bird flies up with the Horcrux in its mouth and then it sings a song.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Yeah?
Kim: No. “Oh, golly. It was so hard to get the first one,” Mione said.
Sequoia: [whispers] Oh, golly?
Kim: We have gotten to a Disney film, by the way.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah.
Kim: Her chocolate eyes shimmering.
Sequoia: Hmmm. Oh, there they are again, the chocolate eyes.
Kim: “I was so scared for you, Harry. But you were brave, unlike Ron, who ran away when the inferi came.”
Sequoia: [slowly] Wow, shots fired!
Kim: Oh.
Sequoia: Hermione...
Kim: Poor Ron!
Sequoia: ...he's dead. Be cool.
Kim: Yeah, but fuck them. No. Absolutely not. “I was just doing what I had to, Mione, there's only three Horcruxes left to destroy now.” Harry was talking about how before the wedding, he, Ron and Mione had destroyed some of the Horcruxes.
Sequoia: Oh, okay.
Kim: They just did. That's already happened.
Sequoia: I was like, oh, three. That doesn't make sense and is not right.
Kim: They just did it. It’s fine.
Sequoia: Okay, so they just found some and...
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: ...got ‘em done. Got ‘em out of the way.
Kim: Yeah, they destroyed some of them. With the help of Regulus Black’s clues from beyond the grave. Ron...
Sequoia: Cool.
Kim: Ron had been very cowardly.
Sequoia: Wow. Since. When?
Kim: [laughs] I mean, Ron’s scared of some stuff.
Sequoia: Yeah, but like that's a total, like, retcon. Like...
Kim: That's... that's the retcon, Sequoia?!
Sequoia: Okay, all right. Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Okay.
Kim: “I think we'll find the next one in the abandoned mine, Mione, the one next to the Riddle house.”
Sequoia: Oh my God. It is a Disney movie.
Kim: Mine, Mione. Did ya like that? I like that a lot.
Sequoia: [laughs] I hated it so much I didn't even notice it.
Kim: Ten out of ten. “Good idea, Harry,” Mione said, smiling lovingly at him.
Sequoia: Why? Continue.
Kim: “And we can find the Death Eaters and avenge the Weasleys, too.”
Sequoia: Even though Ron was a coward and Ginny's been drugging us and...
Kim: “You know, Mione, somehow I can't bring myself to feel very bad about the deaths of the Weasley clan.”
Sequoia: What the fuck?
Kim: “Me neither, Harry. At first, I thought I was in shock. But now I realize you're right.”
Sequoia: [slowly in a high breathy voice] What. Is. Happening. [Kim laughs] Here? This is not... These...
Kim: Yeah. This is great. [Sequoia laughs] I love it.
Sequoia: Why are they being so horrible?
Kim: Because Weasleys are that terrible.
Sequoia: Wow. I guess. I mean, it's a combination of cowardice, love potion, and chili dogs.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: That gets you to...
Kim: The three most evil.
Sequoia: ...I don’t care that you’re dead.
Kim: Yeah. [both laugh] Oh my God.
Sequoia: Jesus. Oooh, okay.
Kim: Let’s see. “Ron was acting very odd lately. Must have been the love potion. But I must tell you a story, Harry.” “I love listening to you, Hermione.”
Sequoia: [laughs] I must tell you a story. I will be assisted by these chipmunks.
Kim: “Do you remember when I set the canaries on Ron? Well, you see, there was a reason for that. It wasn't just a random jealous attack.”
Sequoia: What? What? Tell me. Tell me what...
Kim: What do you think? What do you think happens?
Sequoia: [mumbling] What I think the reason is? I could... I couldn't. I couldn't possibly guess at this point. Yeah, no. I'm not ready, but yes, do the thing.
Kim: “The night before, Ron had shouted at me and called me a scarlet woman because I'd kissed Krum. He said I was a filthy tramp, and then he spat in my face.”
Sequoia: [deep breath] What, what, what, what, what, what? Wow. [Kim giggling] Well, good riddance, Ron.
Kim: Yeah, fuck that guy.
Sequoia: Fuck that guy.
Kim: Tears shone in Mione’s deep, soulful chocolate eyes.
Sequoia: Chocolate eyes.
Kim: “That's why I put the canaries on him, to show him that no one messes with Hermione Jane Minerva Sophia Granger.”
Sequoia: [softly] Minerva, Sophia?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Mmmmmm… Minerva Sophia?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Cool. [Kim laughs quietly] Also, I think it'd be far more like Hermione where, like, Ron's like, “You're a tramp!” and Hermione just punches him in the face.
Kim: Yeah, she wouldn't wait until the next day to attack him.
Sequoia: No, no.
Kim: That's not a thing.
Sequoia: No, she'd be like, fuck you.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Here's my fist.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: In your face.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Ya dick.
Kim: Yeah. Fuck that guy.
Sequoia: [mutters] Minerva Sophia. [both laugh]
Kim: Ten out of ten. Oh, wait, wait, wait, I forgot this part happens. Hermione made a little girl power gesture in the air!
Sequoia: Oh, man. What is that?
Kim: I don't know.
Sequoia: What does that mean?
Kim: You think it's kind of like…
Sequoia: [laughinh] What? [pause] No, no, it's nothing like that. Stop doing that with your hands. That's not... that's not family friendly. [Kim laughs]
Kim: Fine. I don't know!
Sequoia: That's not... you can’t.
Kim: [singing] The visual bit. [speaking] It’s the visual bit bit.
Sequoia: Commitment to a bit.
Kim: Harry nodded forcefully. “You should have told me, Mione, I'd have beat him up for you. I never realized he was such a nasty person.”
Sequoia: Oh my God. Now that we've killed everyone, let's...
Kim: Let’s...
Both: Talk about how terrible they were.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: “Harry, I feel bad for saying this, but I don't feel bad he's gone. When he was alive, I felt like I was enthralled to him. And I kept coming back for more, no matter how badly he treated me, and no matter how much he insulted my beliefs.” I don't think that happened.
Sequoia: Da… uh… um… I don't know.
Kim: [quietly] I don’t think that happened.
Sequoia: Well...
Kim: It’s fine. It’s fine.
Sequoia: Ah, ok.
Kim: Let’s just keep going. We’ll see what happens next.
Sequoia: Yeah. Okay. Great
Kim: Fucking Ron.
Sequoia: No. Oh God.
Kim: Harry shuddered despite the beautiful day. [Sequoia snorts] “How horrible,” he said. “I guess that's what obsessive love feels like. I should know. When I was with Ginny, all I wanted to do was kiss her all the time. We never talked to each other. [Sequoia laughing] We were worse than Ron and Lavender, really.”
Sequoia: We don't have a lot of evidence to the contrary of that. [Kim groans and makes mumbling noises] Yeah. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm.
Kim: I'm pretty sure we saw them talking.
Sequoia: They talked one time in a group about how Romilda Vane thinks that Harry's got a tattoo.
Kim: That’s such a great scene.
Sequoia: On the… yeah.
Both: I love that scene.
Sequoia: But I just...
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: I just liked it.
Kim: It's because all of their conversations when they're alone are about Quidditch and nobody wants to hear that.
Sequoia: Yeah, that's true. That's very true. You know?
Kim: What?
Sequoia: I really see what you're saying about commitment to a bit, here.
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Like, I feel like they could have been like, okay, here, look, Ginny had these love potions. She was making us be in love with them. We're not in love with them, we're in love with each other, and that could be the end. They're just like, oh, we don't love them because that was fake, and now we're in love with each other. But instead it's just like, okay, there was love potion and also Ron was a piece of shit. How's that? How we... yeah.
Kim: Are Harry and Hermione together yet?
Sequoia: No.
Kim: Not quite.
Sequoia: I got a point.
Kim: You did.
Sequoia: Oh, my God.
Kim: You did.
Sequoia: But, like, I see... I see that, like, this is... I... I'm waiting for the point where it stops being about. like, really guys though?
Kim: Ron’s just the worst.
Sequoia: Ron is the worst.
Kim: Oh, just wait, buddy.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: [tiredly] Just wait. Okay. “We were worse than Ron and Lavender.” “It was the love potion, Harry,” Mione gently reminded him, a gentle feminine wisdom shining out of her wise chocolate gaze.
Sequoia: Oh, Jesus. Oh my God. Chocolate gaze.
Kim: Oh, wait, there's an even better one later. We’ll get there. [Sequoia laughing]
Sequoia: A kind of feminine wisdom.
Kim: “I know. I know,” Harry said, shaking his head ruefully. They walked on, treading carefully through the daisies [both laugh] as a squirrel scampered around Mione’s feet.
Sequoia: [laughs] This is the darkest Disney movie I’ve ever...
Kim: Great. “Still, the only one of that bunch I truly feel bad for is Fleur.”
Sequoia: Oh shit.
Kim: She's dead too.
Sequoia: Sucks.
Kim: Everyone's dead. Except for everyone who's not… never mind.
Sequoia: Was she married into the Weasley family?
Kim: Yeah, she was a Wasley. “I know!” Mione said, “It was so mean how Ginny kept insulting her and stuff.” “I hate Ginny,” whispered Harry.
Sequoia: Oh my God! [laughs]
Sequoia: [dramatic growling whisper] I hate Ginny.
Kim: Yeah, that's it.
Sequoia: There you go, there you go.
Kim: “Fleur didn't belong in the Weasel clan!” Mione said.
Sequoia: What the fuck? It is getting...
Kim: We're just ramping it up.
Sequoia: I just... what... it...
Kim: We’re just going up and up and up to the Weasley hate...
Both: Moon.
Kim: [Sequoia laughs] I’m sorry, I don't know why I do that.
Sequoia: That’s so dumb. What is that joke? I love it.
Kim: I don’t know.
Sequoia: Oh, man. Really though, Fleur?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Kind of a bitch.
Kim: Yeah, she kind of sucks.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Let's be real.
Sequoia: Let's be real about Fleur.
Kim: She kinda sucks.
Sequoia: So it seems to me at this point... I'm like, either the commitment to the bit is so incredibly strong or there's something else nefarious happening.
Kim: It’s commitment to the bit.
Sequoia: Oh my God! [laughs]
Kim: I'm just gonna tell you right now.
Sequoia: I was holding on. To...
Kim: It’s getting… you don't even know where we're going. We are not there yet.
Sequoia: Oh my God!
Kim: We’ve got so much farther to go.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Phew. “Fleur didn't belong in the Weasel clan.” Mione said. “No wonder her Veela relatives disowned her and refused to go to the ceremony.”
Sequoia: [laughs] Whoa, apparently everyone hates the Weasleys. This is a… this is like a universal truth in this world.
Kim: Yep.
Sequoia: All right. Okay.
Kim: “They probably didn't want Ron ogling at them.” Harry sneered.
Sequoia: I mean…
Kim: He does do that.
Sequoia: He does do a little bit of ogling.
Kim: But Harry also has done that in the past.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Also, like, why single out Ron specifically? What the fuck?
Sequoia: ‘Cause he... fuck that guy. [both laugh] Ah, great.
Kim: Hermione spat, “So it’s settled then?” she asked, her cinnamon curls gently swinging. “Neither of us feel that bad about the Weasels.” “No!” Harry said, full of bravery and goodness.
Sequoia: And goodness?! And goodness?! [Kim laughing] And goodness?! Holy shit. They are deluded. They think...
Kim: They’ve gone crazy.
Sequoia: They’ve gone insane. Well, I mean, I think that if I was like, man, I have to take a shit. And then I came back...
Kim: And all of your friends were dead.
Sequoia: ...and all my friends were dead, maybe I would...
Kim: Go crazy.
Sequoia: ...go crazy a little bit also.
Kim: Sure.
Sequoia: Sure. Well, now that that’s settled, now we’ve decided we don't care about all the dead people, let’s go get revenge?
Kim: That’s about what th… hold for the text!
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: “But we still must avenge their deaths.” [both laugh loudly]
Sequoia: Oh. Oh, awesome.
Kim: “No one deserves to die like that.”
Sequoia: You know what? They don’t.
Kim: Yeah. Because they really didn't.
Sequoia: [mockingly] Harry said, full of goodness. [both laugh]
Kim: It’s good that we know that he’s full of goodness, even though he’s saying all of this terrible shit.
Sequoia: Exactly, yeah. I like to be...
Kim: Good to know he’s still good.
Sequoia: Exactly. Thanks. Thanks.
Kim: “We will still avenge their deaths,” Mione said. Suddenly, there was a crackling and crashing through the bushes.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: A figure stumbled out.
Sequoia: Oh no.
Kim: Harry and Mione turned in shock. “It’s Bellatrix!” Mione squealed.
Sequoia: What the fuck? [Kim laughs loudly] What the fuck? Oh my God, what the fuck?
Kim: You’re not ready.
Sequoia: Oh my God!
Kim: You are not ready.
Sequoia: I am not ready.
Kim: [laughs] Harry pulled out his wand, but the lady Death Eater put up her hands.
Sequoia: Oh, shit.
Kim: [in a warbling voice] “Wait!” she cried, “Let’s have a truce.” [both laugh]
Sequoia: Oh no. Oh no. Yeah, let’s do it, let’s have a truce. I’m in. I’m in for the Bellatrix truce more than I’m in for this Harry/Hermione bullshit.
Kim: Really?!
Sequoia: Yep. [both laugh] Great.
Kim: Then great. Harry turned to Mione, his trusted voice of wisdom. “What should we do?” And that’s the end of chapter two.
Sequoia: Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
Kim: Phew. So, here’s the thing.
Sequoia: So, here's the thing, God.
Kim: We have four more chapters of the same length as these first two chapters. [Sequoia laughs] Like, each chapter is about the same length. So Sequoia and I just talked about it. And we’re about forty-five minutes in.
Sequoia: Yeah, we had a quick off mic convo.
Kim: We’re going to split this into three.
Sequoia: Welcome to the podcast. [Kim laughs] We know what’s going on. And are good at this.
Kim: But, so we're not on this story forever, I think what we’re going to try and do, we're going to go... we’re going to push through and record all of this right now.
Sequoia: Yeah, we’re doing it.
Kim: And then we’re going to release the episodes without taking a break in the middle.
Sequoia: Yes, so there will be three Mondays in a row with an episode.
Kim: That is this story.
Sequoia: That is this story.
Kim: Good, good.
Sequoia: I’m glad that we are having this experience. So...
Kim: So, I love this story.
Sequoia: Yes. So actually, because this is sort of a new format and stuff like that, go ahead and...
Kim: Don’t say tweet at us.
Sequoia: [laughs] Tweet at us! [both laugh]
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: Yeah, we’re going to... well, we're going to be doing predictions at the beginning of each episode.
Kim: I think that’s fair. This story is nonsense.
Sequoia: Yeah. That’s so many pointportunities for me.
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: Whatever. So we’ll be doing one recommendation to go along with this episode, and it will come with our third installment of this story. So for now, thanks for listening in.
Kim: [laughs] We'll be back next week.
Sequoia: We’ll be back next week with more of Harry and Mione’s Horcrux Hunt. You can find us on social media @FanaticalFics.
Kim: We got a Facebook, an Instagram, a Twitter, and an email.
Sequoia: Yep, yep, yep, and an email.
Kim: fanaticalfics@gmail.com
Sequoia: Send us some stuff.
Kim: Let us know how you’re feeling.
Sequoia: There's a couple ways you can support the podcast. You can leave us a review on iTunes.
Kim: Yep, we’ll shout you out at the top of the episode. Probably not the next one, because we’re going to just push on through right now.
Sequoia: Because we’re doing it right now. But in October we’ll get to ya. For sure. So leave us a review. You can support us by sharing this podcast with every person you have made eye contact with in your entire life.
Kim: Fine. [Sequoia laughs] That’s a reasonable request. Fine.
Sequoia: It is. I think it is. Or you can support us on Patreon. You can find that link on our website, fanaticalfics.com.
Kim: Yep, we’ve got some bonus written content, some bonus audio content on there, as well as some cool swag.
Sequoia: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: So check that out. On the website, as well, we’ve got all of our recommendations, all of the episodes. So check that out too.
Sequoia: Our story submission form, if you’re reading fanfic. We’ve gotten some... some.... some awesome stuff. Also, we got an email from the person who sent us Quidditch Toned Muscles.
Kim: Thank youuu.
Sequoia: Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything that you’ve done for us.
Kim: That was a good story.
Sequoia: Yeah, check our website out. Tweet at us.
Kim: And thanks as always to the Whomping Willows for the use of our theme song, Wolfstar.
Sequoia: Bye!
Kim: Bye. [both laugh] Whoo!