Episode 16: Capture the Uncapturable
Thank you for joining us for the first chapter of the story you wish had an ending… Maybe we’ll write one?
Recommendation: I want Kisses too!!
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2801042/1/I-want-Kisses-too
This transcript was provided by our excellent volunteer transcription team! Thanks to:
Transcriber: Emma
Checker: Jeanne
If you’re interested in joining the team, send us an email!
If you’d like to read the original work contained in this transcript, you can find it here!
Sequoia: Okay, okay, so, like, I need to read you this text message that my sister sent me this morning.
Kim: Okay.
Sequoia: I don’t know if you’re prepared for this because I feel like... okay, fanfiction. I’ve just like... I’ve like infected my entire family with it.
Kim: Yeah, I think we’re slowly infecting everyone around us.
Sequoia: [laughs] Yeah. So my sister sends me this text message this morning. It says: “Picture this: Thomas the Tank Engine goes to Hogwarts as the new Hogwarts Express. [Kim laughing] The old Hogwarts Express goes happily into retirement, coming back to check in with Thomas occasionally and finds the one thing it’s been looking for all these years right back at Platform 9 and ¾. [pause] A love...”
Kim: [laughing] Oh my God.
Sequoia: [Kim continues laughing] “A love story gone off the rails. [laughs] The two love trains chug through the difficulty of their age difference, Thomas’s undeniably sexual relationship with Mr. Conductor [Kim claps], and the society that keeps passenger trains separated from trains with faces who can talk.”
Kim: [breathless from laughing] It keeps going! Oh my God! [both laugh]
[Theme music (Wolfstar by the Whomping Willows: You know we really love you/It ain’t our place to judge you/You’re feeling scared about it/Naturally/There’s no point in hiding/So feel free to start confiding/If you need a good friend/You can count on me/You can count on me/You can count on me)]
Sequoia: Hello, I’m Sequoia Simone.
Kim: [with emphasis] And this is Kim.
Sequoia: And this is Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them!
Kim: It’s our podcast about Harry Potter fanfiction!
Sequoia: Whoaaa!
Kim: ‘Cause we thought that was a good idea!
Sequoia: And continue to do that!
Kim: This is episode...
Both: Fifteen!
Sequoia: Hot damn.
Kim: Whoo!
Sequoia: Not including the Valentine’s Day episode.
Kim: Which exists.
Sequoia: Which exists. It's come out already.
Kim: [slight laugh] Yes, it has.
Sequoia: It’s in the world, where...
Kim: This episode is coming out.
Sequoia: Someone is listening to this episode. Anyway, so this is episode fifteen, and in episode thirteen, we talked about what we would write as far as, like, a song from 2004.
Kim: And then we said we would tweet about it, and then we did not.
Sequoia: No, we didn’t. Which is just… but also to be fair, none of you did either.
Kim: None of you did either. Although it’s probably our fault for not starting it. [laughs]
Sequoia: That’s totally true. We should have done it, and we didn’t. So instead...
Kim: We’re going to tell you now.
Sequoia: We’re just going to tell you all here.
Kim: We’re going to tell you here.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Do you want to go first?
Sequoia: Oh my gosh. I’m so ready.
Kim: Or should I go first?
Sequoia: Okay, obviously my pairing would be Ron and Hermione.
Kim: Stupid.
Sequoia: Right? And like I… so we were...
Kim: [laughing] Sorry. I don’t mean that. [both laugh] Oh my God. That’s one of my favorite pairings. [more laughter]
Sequoia: That is so mean!
Kim: I’m just feeling real mean today.
Sequoia: So we just spent a few minutes looking through the top 100… the Billboard Top 100 from 2003 and 2004, and when I saw this song, I was just like, yeah, that’s it. I would have done that when I was that age. [Kim laughs] Without even, yeah...
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: So my song would have been 100 Years by Five for Fighting. You know that song?
Kim: It’s not coming to mind.
Sequoia: [singing in deep voice to tune of 100 Years] “I’m fifteen for a moment...”
Kim: Oh God! No!
Sequoia: Yeah. Abso-fucking-lutely I would have done that.
Kim: That’s not even, like, a love song! Is it?
Sequoia: It is.
Kim: Okay. I don’t listen to any music.
Sequoia: Sort of. It’s like a… a... like a...
Kim: And Ron would have been singing that to Hermione?
Sequoia: Yeah. [Kim laughs quietly] Sure. [Kim laughs louder] It doesn’t really make a lot of sense, but I still would have done it.
Kim: It doesn’t. I think the song doesn’t.... doesn’t need to make sense necessarily.
Sequoia: It doesn’t need to make sense, but that is exactly the type of song [Kim laughing] that I would have chosen for that fanfiction when I was thirteen.
Kim: Oh my gosh! That’s awful!
Sequoia: I know!
Kim: Wow!
Sequoia: How about you?
Kim: All right. So I have always been a contrarian asshole, what I’m going to lead this by saying.
Sequoia: [laughs] Cool.
Kim: So I think... I think what I probably would have been doing is at that time of my life I would have been throwin’ some shade at Harry/Hermione shippers.
Sequoia: Gotcha.
Kim: ‘Cause I... Ron/Hermione forever.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: And I would have picked Mr. Brightside.
Sequoia: Oh my God! [both laugh loudly] Oh my God! If that doesn’t already exist, I’d like to see it.
Kim: It’s got to.
Sequoia: It’s gotta be somewhere.
Kim: Somewhere. I bet there’s like a songfic or something...
Sequoia: Oh yeah.
Kim: ...like that.
Sequoia: There’s definitely a songfic with my song.
Kim: [laughs] I just really wish we could do… we’ve talked about this a couple of times before, but I really wish we could do a songfic.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: And I just don’t... we haven't been able to figure out how we could do it yet.
Sequoia: Yeah. If anybody has any ideas, feel free to email us.
Kim: ‘Cause we can’t... I can’t sing, and I’d be worried about stuff.
Sequoia: Yeah. Copyright or blah, blah, blah. So yeah, if you have any ideas of how that could be done in a fun way, email us.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Because we...
Kim: Because we don’t know.
Sequoia: Because we don’t know. And songfics, there are so many.
Kim: They’re huge. They’re huge. There’s so many of them, and they are hilarious.
Sequoia: And I have to skip them all the time when I’m reading to find something for the podcast.
Kim: Yeah. I’ve only read one because I know that I can’t use them, and it was amazing, and I don’t know that I can find it again. [chuckles]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Because it was it was set to [with emphasis] Smash Mouth’s All Star.
Sequoia: Oh my God!
Kim: I need to go back and find it again. That might be something we could do. [chuckles]
Sequoia: Yeah! We gotta figure that one out!
Kim: So anyway… yeah.
Sequoia: So now that we’ve gotten through that...
Kim: Now that we’ve shared, you know, you guys are still welcome to share with us.
Sequoia: Yeah. Please do.
Kim: Let us know.
Sequoia: We wanna know…
Kim: What your song and pairing would have been.
Sequoia: [singing in a deep voice] “I’m fifteen...”
Kim: [whispering] Jesus Christ.
Sequoia: I know. I’m such a little shit.
Kim: [singing 100 Years in high-pitched voice] “Fifteen, there's still time for you/Time to buy…” [both sing until they trail off indistinctly]
Sequoia: I’m not gonna cut that.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: That’s staying. [mockingly] Oh no! Okay. So I’m going to read fanfiction to you today.
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Do you want to do a prediction?
Kim: I guess.
Sequoia: I’m going to read you two today.
Kim: [pause] Oh, okay. Fine.
Sequoia: So the first one...
Kim: You can say that now.
Sequoia: I’m going to say that now. [unsurely] Yeah, I’m going to do it.
Kim: I don’t know.
Sequoia: We’re going to do it. We’ll see. This first one we might need to talk about it for about a million years after it’s over, so maybe not.
Kim: [laughs] Cool.
Sequoia: So if you would like to make a prediction on Capture the Uncapturable. Humor/Romance.
Kim: Capture the Uncapturable. [sighs] So the first thought in my head is Quidditch story.
Sequoia: That’s a good guess.
Kim: ‘Cause of the word capture.
Sequoia: Mhm.
Kim: Yeah. Harry and the other Seeker bond over trying to… and they catch it… bond over trying to catch the Snitch. I don’t know. I feel like I’ve read some Quidditch stories before and they haven’t been very coherent or good, so we’ll see if that’s it. Okay, so Harry is a Seeker, it’s a Quidditch story.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Harry is the main character. Quidditch story. And he and the other Seeker bond over their struggle to catch the Snitch.
Sequoia: All right.
Kim: Takes place during a Quidditch game.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Is that three? That’s three.
Sequoia: During... it takes place during a Quidditch game?
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: Oh, listeners, don’t forget to send us yours as well.
Sequoia: Oh, yeah. Do that. [clears throat dramatically] [seductive radio voice] Capture the Uncapturable.
Kim: Is it my heart?
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] Says the married person. It’s fine.
Kim: Jk. LOL.
Sequoia: There are some men who enter a woman’s life and screw it up forever.
Kim: True. True facts. Men suck. Kill all men.
Sequoia: [laughing] What? This is not… why are we starting the podcast like that?
Kim: Listeners know what they’re getting into.
Sequoia: You would hope, by episode fifteen. Ronald Weasley did this to me.
Kim: Fucking... motherfucking Ron!
Sequoia: What a life ruiner!
Kim: Okay, so this is Ron and Hermione.
Sequoia: [laughing] But you don’t... okay. Ronald Weasley did this to me.
Kim: You know Ron’s in trouble when people are calling him Ronald.
Sequoia: Ronald. Yeah. He’s in some shit.
Kim: Nobody... I feel like people don’t usually include his middle name though.
Sequoia: Ronald Bilius Weasley!
Kim: They’re constantly guessing at Hermione’s middle name, but nobody’s ever guessing at Ron’s middle name. And they couldn’t, because it’s nonsense.
Sequoia: Yeah, it is nonsense. But, like, it’s great.
Kim: Is he named after Bill? Is that Bill’s full name? [Sequoia laughs] God.
Sequoia: I don’t know. I don’t know.
Kim: Molly! Why are you so…?
Sequoia: What are you doing?
Kim: Molly! What are... what?
Sequoia: Ronald Weasley did this to me. Not forever, but periodically.
Kim: Uh.
Sequoia: Yes. That handsome red-haired Weasley was still screwing up my life.
Kim: Periodically?
Sequoia: Yep. Periodically.
Kim: Sometimes they’re like, eh, and sometimes they’re like, hubba-hubba.
Sequoia: Oh God! No one’s like that! [both laugh]
Kim: I don’t know how human romance works.
Sequoia: [breathless from laughter] Oh my God!
Kim: Yeah?
Sequoia: Nobody does that. Nobody’s like that.
Kim: Should I do it again? While looking into your eyes again?
Sequoia: No! Please don’t! We had a long and turbulent history together.
Kim: [suggestively] Ohh. Turbulent.
Sequoia: On our last day at Hogwarts, the Weasley Womanizer...
Kim: Womanizer!
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s... that’s... that’s his nickname.
Kim: No, it’s not!
Sequoia: [with emphasis] The Weasley Womanizer, Ronald Weasley.
Kim: In what world? In what world is Ron a womanizer?
Sequoia: In this one, he’s a...
Both: [singing Britney Spears’ Womanizer] Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer... [trails off]
Kim: Oh my gosh.
Sequoia: We’ve been talking about Britney a lot today, too.
Kim: I’m back, bitches! [Sequoia laughs in background]
Sequoia: Whoo! On our last day at Hogwarts, the Weasley Womanizer swept me off my feet for a single night. [Kim lets out a gasp of shocked laughter] It was less than that, actually.
Kim: Oh like, ten minutes?
Both: Like two minutes? [both laugh]
Kim: Womanizer. That sounds more right. Two minutes.
Sequoia: Two minutes.
Kim: No, it doesn’t.
Sequoia: I never really heard from him since. But once in Muggle London, six months after we left Hogwarts, I saw him crossing the street.
Kim: What a dick!
Sequoia: I promptly sped up, ran him over, stopped the car, and got out to inspect the damage.
Kim: [laughing] Is this a Draco/Ron story? I would love that! [Sequoia laughs loudly] Oh my God!
Sequoia: A womanizer!
Kim: Okay, this person ran him over with their car?
Sequoia: Ran him over.
Kim: Who is this insane person?
Sequoia: You’ll see. [Kim groans] And got out to inspect the damage. “Anything broken?” He was sprawled on the pavement, looking up my short kilt. He’s... he’s... he’s damaged on the pavement, but still got time to look up the skirt.
Kim: What uhhh? What uhhh? This is insane.
Sequoia: “My leg?” “Good,” I smirked. Then I turned on my heel, got into my Mini, and drove to the shopping precinct. [both laugh] This bitch is, like, wearing a kilt and heels...
Kim: Uh huh. Running men over with their car.
Sequoia: ...and drives a Mini and goes [singing word] shopping afterwards. [Valley Girl voice] I just hit a dude with my car. I need a new purse.
Kim: The person was probably already on their way shopping. They just took a little detour for...
Sequoia: To hit Ronald “the Womanizer” Weasley with their car. I attribute the incident to temporary insanity, and in my own defense I’d like to say I haven’t run anybody over since.
Kim: Sounded pretty pre-meditated to me.
Sequoia: I saw him crossing the street. I thought, fuck that guy! [both laugh loudly] And then I ran him over with my car.
Kim: God.
Sequoia: Are you ready to find out who this is?
Kim: [groaning] I don’t know if I want to know.
Sequoia: After Hogwarts, I started a bookstore company, Hermione’s Bookshelf.
Kim: [whispering] Jesus fucking Christ.
Sequoia: [laughs] Hermione. Hermione.
Kim: Jesus fucking Christ.
Sequoia: In her Mini and her heels and her shopping.
Kim: And her kilt?
Sequoia: And her kilt. And running Ron over with her carrr.
Kim: And running over with her car. Oh my God. Okay, I need to know right now. When was this story written?
Sequoia: Okay. Good question. 2003.
Kim: No! That makes no... Okay, how in 2003 does anyone decide that Ron is a womanizer who needs to be hit with a car? [Sequoia laughs in background] What have you projected onto Ron that makes you think that?
Sequoia: I don’t know, but I [singing] love it! I love it.
Kim: What is happening?
Sequoia: But the economy took a turn for the worse, [Kim snorts] and Hermione’s Bookshelf fell apart. Now, at 29...
Kim: Because she didn’t she didn’t use enough... I’m not… that is not going anywhere. I’m sorry.
Sequoia: What? What? Okay. [laughs]
Kim: She didn’t have a man to put it together for her. There it is.
Sequoia: Oh. Okay. Yeah. Now...
Kim: I actually do like the idea of Hermione owning a bookstore after Hogwarts.
Sequoia: I like it too. It’s too bad about the economy.
Kim: Yeah. Now she’s going to have to go into politics.
Sequoia: [chuckles] Oh, wait ‘til you find out what she’s gone into now.
Kim: Oh no!
Sequoia: Now, at 29, I was working for Draco Malfoy’s bond company. [Kim screams in the background] [singing] Right, right, right. I love this story so much. I can’t.
Kim: That was the sound of my soul leaving my body. [Sequoia laughs] What?! What?!
Sequoia: Oh man, yeah. Draco Malfoy’s bond company. He, you know, puts up bonds for people to get them out of...
Kim: No, I don’t think it’s like bail bonds. I think it’s like stock and bonds.
Sequoia: You don’t think it’s like bail bonds?
Kim: It is?
Sequoia: It is definitely bail bonds.
Kim: I assumed it was like bond trading. Because, you know, Draco Malfoy, you’d think he’d be like rich dude...
Sequoia: Rich dude. Hedge fund. Kind of a dick face.
Kim: Yeah, right? Yeah. I’ve actually read a few like that.
Sequoia: Yeah. That’s who he is.
Kim: Yeah. Trading magical stocks and bonds.
Sequoia: Except in THIS universe, the universe where Hermione drives a Mini and uses it to assault Ron...
Kim: It sounds more like attempted murder, actually.
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] Draco was still a scumbag. [Kim snorts] But at least he was on the good side now. [Kim snorts again] Is that what... bail bondsmen are on the good side?Just like in the Muggle world, wizards had to pay a bond in order not to go to Azkaban while awaiting trial. Draco posts their bond. If they...
Kim: I don’t think… I don’t think... I don’t think you get sent to Azkaban... No, wait. They sent Hagrid to Azkaban just ‘cause.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: No trial.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: No nothing. [both laugh] Jesus fucking…
Sequoia: They’re, like, really fucked up.
Kim: That is so fucked up!
Sequoia: [laughing] Right? If only Draco had been there to... to bail him out? I don’t know.
Kim: No, he just... They just like... They disappeared Hagrid.
Sequoia: Oh yeah. Yeah, they did.
Kim: That’s awful!
Sequoia: That’s terrible.That’s terrible.
Kim: Do wizards not have...
Sequoia: Lawyers? Or like a justice system?
Kim: A Bill of Rights? Magna Carta? [Sequoia laughing in background] I’m upset!
Sequoia: This is not where I... This is not what I meant to... [both laugh] Draco posts their bond. If they fail to show for their court day, we are responsible for dragging them back, or Draco would lose his money.
Kim: Can’t have that!
Sequoia: What a shame that would be.
Kim: Right? Like, I know... Now I’m confused again about the premise. [Sequoia laughs] Hermione would not care if Draco lost his money.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: She would be the worst… I’m guessing she’s like a bounty hunter? [laughing]
Sequoia: Yeah. She’s like a bounty hunter.
Kim: She would be the worst bounty hunter for Draco. It’s like, oh no, I lost another one. They’ve off and disappeared to... to...
Sequoia: I don’t know. But also, like, it’s Hermione.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: So she’d also be the best bounty hunter?
Kim: No. No. She HATES Draco.
Sequoia: Yeah. She doesn’t really care about his money, but, like, she needs a job.
Kim: [sighs] [whispers] Get any other job.
Sequoia: The economy is really bad apparently!
Kim: Any other job!
Sequoia: The brightest witch of her age literally cannot get a job
Kim: I mean...
Sequoia: As anything but a bounty hunter.
Kim: Yeah, what? [Sequoia laughs loudly] The Ministry of Magic employs like ninety percent of all of wizarding Britain.
Sequoia: Yeah, she’s... I mean...
Kim: They have to have a job.
Sequoia: They have to. But she can’t have that job for whatever reason, and now she’s a bounty hunter! Kim!
Kim: Is it because of her... uh... arrest record for wizarding assault? [Sequoia laughs loudly] Vehicular...
Sequoia: You hit Ron Weasley with your car and now you just can’t have a job here.
Kim: Stop doing that!
Sequoia: Stop it! What a shame that would be. Anyway, I worked as a bounty hunter. [Kim sighs] Basically I was responsible for dragging the to-be felons in.
Kim: [whispering] To-be felons?
Sequoia: If I was successful, I would receive a ten percent of the bond. See, she has an incentive to catch them.
Kim: That’s not a nice way to think about people that have been arrested, though.
Sequoia: Right. She is not a nice person.
Kim: I am not okay with the wizarding justice system.
Sequoia: [laughing] No!
Kim: Just want to put that out there.
Sequoia: Yeah. I mean, that’s valid.
Kim: Why is Hermione not crusading for anybody’s rights?
Sequoia: The economy!
Kim: No! [laughs]
Sequoia: Now...
Kim: Criminal justice reform now! [Sequoia laughs] Wizarding criminal justice reform now. Whatever.
Sequoia: Whatever. It’s fine. Eleven years later, Ron Weasley was still regrettably popping in and out of my life. [Kim snorts] No, nope, don’t do it! Don’t do it! He’d grown up big and bad, with eyes like blue sea and hair like fire.
Kim: [in disbelief] Big and bad?
Sequoia: I’m sorry, I can’t say that.
Kim: Bad?
Sequoia: Yeah, he’s a bad guy.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: But he’s got eyes like blue sea and hair like fire.
Kim: [in a quiet, upset voice] No. No.
Sequoia: And then she says...
Kim: And Hermione’s a bounty hunter. Great.
Sequoia: Hermione’s a bounty hunter.
Kim: This is great. You know what? I’m all in. Let’s go.
Sequoia: Right? Okay, I love this story, so... [sighs] He made women swoon.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: Ron had a reputation for having fast hands and clever fingers. [laughs]
Kim: Oh God, I’m vomiting. [Sequoia continues laughing] I’m vomiting. [makes gagging noises]
Sequoia: Everyone’s vomiting. It’s fine. Mothers all over the United Kingdom had unsuccessfully tried to keep their daughters away from the hunky, fair-haired, fair-skinned Casanova.
Kim: No.
Sequoia: He was a successful Auror, with a temper that matched his red hair.
Kim: [wearily] No.
Sequoia: That temper got him in trouble.
Kim: Noooo.
Sequoia: A lot of trouble. [Kim snorts and laughs] [Valley Girl voice] He’s in trouble.
Kim: You know, I’d think it would be hard to be a successful Auror with a gimp leg.
Sequoia: Yeah, we never really found out what happened to his leg. How did that all resolve itself?
Kim: I guess Moody was pretty successful with only one leg, now that I’m thinking about it actually.
Sequoia: Yeah. I would say very successful.
Kim: So okay, Ron’s peg leg’s not holding him back. It’s progressed.
Sequoia: It’s a peg leg now. Okay! “What? I can’t do this, Malfoy!” I searched for something, anything, to throw at him. “Why did you even write him bail?”
Kim: [laughs] He’s poor! His family is poor!
Sequoia: He’s poor.
Kim: Clearly he can’t... Wait, no, you don’t pay it back, do you? You just get it back when you show up for... I don’t know how bonds work.
Sequoia: You, like, put up something as collateral.
Kim: Mhm. And clearly Ron’s family couldn’t put up anything because they’re poor.
Sequoia: Right. Exactly. “Local. Good kid. Good references. Lots of family around here. Good line of income.” Draco’s eyes were on my chest.
Kim: Okay, what is Draco?!
Sequoia: He’s, like, a sleazy bail bondsman!
Kim: What is Draco today? [Sequoia laughs] Who has Draco become?
Sequoia: [with emphasis] He’s a sleazy bail bondsman!
Kim: He has completely forgotten about his relationship with Ron.
Sequoia: Exactly. He’s a... Ron’s a good kid with good references.
Kim: Says Draco Malfoy?
Sequoia: Yeah. He’s got a good line of income though, so I think that’s good for trying to get a bond or something.
Kim: [resigned] Fine.
Sequoia: He can’t keep his eyes off Hermione’s chest...
Kim: Whatever.
Sequoia: ...because he’s a sleazy bail bondsman!
Kim: Fine.
Sequoia: Great. [laughs]
Kim: Mhm.
Sequoia: I waved my hand in his line of vision to get his attention. “And the fact that he’s an accused murderer didn’t factor into your decision to post him bail?” Draco’s eyes were meeting mine for once. “Hermione, what’s it to you?” Draco smirked. “I know you were good friends at Hogwarts, but that was ages ago.”
Kim: I’ve forgotten all about everything that ever happened to me.
Sequoia: “I once [pause] sold him a book.” I was now hiding my red face in Ron Weasley’s file.
Kim: This is a...
Sequoia: It’s a metaphor.
Kim: This is a weird euphemism.
Sequoia: [chuckling] This is a really weird metaphor.
Kim: Sold him a book, if you know what I’m saying.
Sequoia: If you know what I mean by that.
Kim: I don’t. I literally don’t.
Sequoia: [Sequoia laughs] Draco laughed as he pushed his greasy blonde hair back from his face.
Kim: His hair is greasy today?
Sequoia: It’s always greasy. I mean, he’s a sleazy bail bondsman! His hair is always greasy!
Kim: Ugh.
Sequoia: “Every woman in Britain probably sold him a book,” he sneered.
Kim: I think they’re saying it...
Both: [with suggestive emphasis] Sold him a book! [both laugh]
Kim: It’s the weirdest euphemism.
Sequoia: Right? “He’s probably jealous of Ron,” I thought. [Kim snorts] Draco, too, was also a legendary womanizer. And also manizer. Well, let’s make that he-would-shag-anything-that-moves-izer.
Kim: Oh, okay, so we’ve got constantly horny Draco today.
Sequoia: Right. Yeah.
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: The sleazy bail bondsman.
Kim: Great. Bisexual, hump whatever Draco today. [Sequoia laughs] Poor Draco. Sometimes I feel kind of bad for him.
Sequoia: And yet the man was married, for Christ’s sake. To Pansy Parkinson! [Kim gives a snort of laughter] But don’t worry. She was well-compensated.
Kim: Wow, that’s awful.
Sequoia: He’s paying off his wife.
Kim: That is awful. That is one hundred percent awful.
Sequoia: It’s bad! It’s bad! “Besides, why don’t you just give the case to Harry?” [both laugh for an extended period of time] I love this story sooo much! [Kim continues laughing] Oh no, I broke her! Kim?
Kim: [gasping] Oh my God! Oh my God! Why...
Sequoia: Kim?
Kim: Why was that saved until now?! [Sequoia laughs] That’s amazing! [Kim’s voice gets progressively higher pitched as her sentence goes on] Ron is a successful Auror, but Hermione and Harry are bounty hunters working for Draco Malfoy!
Sequoia: Yeah. [singing] Yes! [both laugh] I love this story SO much!
Kim: [breathless from laughter] Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Help!
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] Send help!
Kim: Send help! I can’t stop crying! Oh no!
Sequoia: Yep.
Kim: No!
Sequoia: Yes. Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived. He actually quit being an Auror a few years ago.
Kim: He quit being the Boy Who Lived.
Sequoia: He just quit. He just quit entirely. Everything. [Kim laughs and gasps] And now he works for Draco. [Kim makes dying noises] Go figure.
Kim: [in affected voice] Funny old world! Do you think they’re doing it?
Sequoia: [affected voice] Funny old world! Probably.
Kim: Yeah, they are.
Sequoia: Probably definitely.
Kim: Draco and Harry, that is.
Sequoia: Yeah. Probably definitely. He usually did the murder cases, while I usually did the smaller cases. Going after...
Kim: Where he usually murdered people.
Sequoia: Some murders. Going after murderers didn’t leave me a lot of spare time for reading.
Kim: Uh…
Sequoia: Sure, sure. “He’s out of the country at the moment, so I’m afraid it has to be you.” Draco was leaning back in his chair. He knew that he was really going to enjoy this one by the way he was smirking. [Kim laughs] “Uggh!” I turned on my heel and slammed his office door. I could still feel his eyes leering at me.
Kim: How… how many people do you think Draco is employing? Do you think it’s like the entire... their entire graduating class at Hogwarts except for Ron? [snickers]
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: Draco just has a million employees.
Sequoia: Blaise Zabini is Draco’s assistant.
Kim: Nice. Give me some Blaise. Oh, wait, I’m going to guess whether Blaise is a girl or a guy today. Blaise is a girl today, I am guessing.
Sequoia: “Bothering you, that scum, is he?” Blaise Zabini was stomping around the office. “Maybe we should take up a collection and get Draco neutered.”
Kim: [snorts] Oh Blaise. Blaise is amazing.
Sequoia: Blaise. Blaise pointed HER wand...
Kim: Nice! Blaise is a girl today!
Sequoia: Blaise is a girl.
Kim: Awesome!
Sequoia: Blaise pointed her wand at her one of her quills and shouted... What the fuck?
Kim: Blaise shouted what the fuck?
Sequoia: [questioningly] “Spiculum?”
Kim: Where is it?
Sequoia: It’s right here.
Kim: Spiculum?
Sequoia: Spiculum?
Kim: Gross. That is a gross word.
Sequoia: Yeah. [laughing]
Kim: Say it again. Never mind.
Sequoia: The quill became a very long, sharp knife. [Kim snorts] “Maybe we should do it ourselves…”
Kim: Jesus!
Sequoia: “...she said with a lethal look in her eyes.” I can understand why the Sorting Hat put her in Slytherin.
Kim: What the fuck!
Sequoia: [laughs] [Valley girl tone] It’s just a joke! They’re joking. So funny. It’s so funny.
Kim: It’s so funny threatening to stab people and then [Valley girl voice] conjuring a knife!
Sequoia: It’s so funny!
Kim: Just witty office banter!
Sequoia: [returns to her normal voice] Okay, actually though, right now I can’t remember if Blaise... Blaise is a boy, right?
Kim: Blaise is a guy.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: There was a point in time where... no, 2003 is after book five came out.
Sequoia: Yes.
Kim: Depending on which part of 2003 it is.
Sequoia: True. I don’t know. I don’t know.
Kim: But yeah... no. So Blaise Zabini was in the first book. Mentioned.
Sequoia: Ohh!
Kim: As getting sorted in the first book.
Sequoia: Okay.
Kim: So as a character, he often pops up in fanfiction as, like, the other Slytherin. Sometimes he’s Draco Malfoy’s friend or something.
Sequoia: Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kim: But nobody was sure what gender they were. Although I think that’s a man’s name. Blaise. I think that’s a man’s name.
Sequoia: I have no idea.
Kim: People just weren’t sure, so they would assign them a random gender.
Sequoia: Okay. Yeah.
Kim: Which was always fun.
Sequoia: In this story, she’s kind of crazy.
Kim: But then it continued after book five, which made it weird because Blaise was a character in book five whose gender was confirmed.
Sequoia: Okay. Right.
Kim: But people [chuckling] kept making him a girl.
Sequoia: Whatever.
Kim: They like him better as a girl.
Sequoia: Whatever, that’s fine. The phone rang, interrupting us. Blaise answered it and threw the knife in her middle drawer. [Kim snorts] That’s just... this is for later. [both laugh]
Kim: Wow!
Sequoia: I went searching for the Weasleys’ files. I took all of them and left the office before the bloodbath began.
Kim: What? Oh my God!
Sequoia: I don’t know. Blaise is going to go stab Draco.
Kim: Why do all the Weasleys have files?!
Sequoia: ‘Cause they’re all bad now or something.
Kim: Fine. Everyone is dark and edgy today.
Sequoia: I walked to my Mini. I tried to get over... [inaudible] Why do you need to…?
Kim: That is the worst car for a bounty hunter!
Sequoia: Yeah!
Kim: I guess it doesn’t matter what car you drive cause you're magical and you can just magic them...
Sequoia: Disguise, fly, do other stuff. I don’t know. What kind of car does a bounty hunter have?
Kim: What color do you think Hermione’s Mini is?
Sequoia: Pink! [both laugh]
Kim: Great.
Sequoia: I tried to get over the shock about Ron. I knew that he had killed someone in the line of duty a few months ago...
Kim: You said doody.
Sequoia: Yeah. But I hadn’t known he had been charged with murder. Probably the Ministry trying to keep it quiet.
Kim: Keep what quiet? That’s...
Sequoia: Yeah, that’s the opposite of keeping it quiet.
Kim: No. What? I’m...
Sequoia: I don’t think that is valid.
Kim: Charging him with murder is what?
Sequoia: I sat down in the driver’s seat and looked at Ron’s file. He was still unbelievably attractive...
Kim: No.
Sequoia: ...with those bedroom eyes...
Kim: What?
Sequoia: ...that could seduce any woman.
Kim: I’m sorry. What? I’m sorry, what?
Sequoia: He was even sexier than I’d remembered.
Kim: Bedroom eyes. Ron Weasley. No!
Sequoia: I looked at his address and checked my bag: gun, wand...
Kim: What?
Sequoia: ...stun gun...
Kim: What?
Sequoia: ...handcuffs.
Kim: What?
Sequoia: That should be enough.
Kim: No! You just need the wand! [Sequoia laughs]
Sequoia: No, you need a gun and a stun gun.
Kim: Do they handle…?
Sequoia: In addition to the wand.
Kim: Do they do Muggle cases too? I’m confused!
Sequoia: I don’t know! Maybe?
Kim: Stun gun?! In what situation would a stun gun be more helpful than a wand?! [Sequoia laughs] You can use magic!
Sequoia: Um, so the author never continued this story. [Kim laughs] So that’s the end.
Kim: I wonder who Ron murdered.
Sequoia: I know! I have so many questions!
Kim: This is amazing build up. All of the characters are not the characters.
Sequoia: Yeah. No!
Kim: But this is a good first chapter of a story.
Sequoia: Right?
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: Okay, I read this and was immediately just, like, UPSET that it was not continued.
Kim: Yeah, this was well written. It’s insane, but I love it!
Sequoia: I love it, and I’m so sad. I might write the rest of this [Kim cackles] because I love it so much.
Kim: Who did Ron murder? Did he really murder them? Is he being framed?
Sequoia: He’s definitely being framed by the Ministry of Magic...
Kim: Good.
Sequoia: ...because something went awry...
Kim: Oh yeah, for sure!
Sequoia: ...during an Auror raid...
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: ...on some dark magic bros.
Kim: The Ministry’s… the Minister of Magic’s cousin.
Sequoia: Yeah.
Kim: This goes straight to the top!
Sequoia: [in deep voice] Straight to the top!
Kim: [in a movie trailer voice-over voice] And now they’re just two old friends out for revenge!
Sequoia: [laughs loudly] Harry’s just like sort of mentioned sometimes.
Kim: Who cares about Harry?
Sequoia: [laughs] Oh, man!
Kim: [movie trailer voice-over voice] Two old friends out on the street looking for vengeance! One’s a loose cannon cop! The other’s a loose cannon bounty hunter! [clears throat] [Sequoia still laughing] And Draco’s there too! [both laugh] [Kim returns to normal voice] Awful! It’s amazing.
Sequoia: Oh my God. Isn’t it so great? I just... Oh man. I just...
Kim: [sincerely] Thank you.
Sequoia: I just...
Kim: Thank you.
Sequoia: [whispers] I just...
Kim: Thank you. [quietly] Thank you.
Sequoia: You’re welcome. [laughs]
Kim: I got zero points.
Sequoia: You did get zero points, but you were never going to guess that, so I mean...
Kim: I regret having my prediction be Harry’s the main character because that’s a stupid prediction that shouldn’t be allowed.
Sequoia: I mean, it shouldn’t, but I let you do it anyway.
Kim: But I think you did that once. You did that once too.
Sequoia: I have. I have done that in the past.
Kim: Yeah. [whispers] We shouldn’t be able to do that. Okay.
Sequoia: No.
Kim: I was wrong anyway, so it doesn’t matter. So that went a little longer... I mean, I knew that we were going to go that long. I just had that feeling.
Sequoia: I know. And I always... I should have known. I should have known. Because that story was won-der-ful.
Kim: Amazing!
Sequoia: So I should have known that was going to take a long time for us to process.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: I should have known you were going to be crying, like, halfway through and that would take up like fifteen minutes or something. So we’re...
Kim: Fifteen minutes of sobbing.
Sequoia: So we’re not going to do two. We’re just going to have this be like a regular length episode.
Kim: I feel like… I feel like we have promised more stories than we have delivered every episode.
Sequoia: No, that’s happened like twice, and every time it’s me. [Kim laughs] It’s ‘cause I shoot for the stars!
Kim: Because I can’t stop talking about how I don’t understand what’s happening.
Sequoia: [laughs] Um, yeah. Oh, that was so fun. I love that story so much. It’s so fun!
Kim: That was a really good story. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Sequoia: You’re welcome!
Kim: For whatever that was. Oh my God.
Sequoia: Oh my God. You’re welcome.
Kim: I wish there was more of that.
Sequoia: I do too. I really... I really do. I am going to recommend another Valentine’s Day story. [Kim snorts] Because I fucking feel like it. I can do whatever I want.
Kim: You should have just rec’ed it in the Valentine’s episode as well.
Sequoia: I should have just rec’ed two in that one?
Kim: Yeah! Oh well. You can tell me now.
Sequoia: Well, this is the rec I have, so here we go. It is called I Want Kisses Too! [Kim laughs] It’s stupid! And I liked it, and it’s stupid.
Kim: What the fuck! Oh my gosh. Great. Thank you! [Sequoia laughs] That’s a dumb title.
Sequoia: I know, but it’s... it’s a time. Okay. Well...
Kim: Cool.
Sequoia: Thanks for listening to… that. Thank you. I’m so glad that that got to happen.
Kim: Yeah. [Sequoia laughs] All right. So, if for whatever reason you like our content and maybe want to help us out, there are a few ways that you can do that. Number one: review us on iTunes.
Sequoia: Pleaaase review us on iTunes.
Kim: It super duper helps. And we just appreciate your feedback.
Sequoia: Yeah, for sure. You can also share this episode with a friend.
Kim: Yes.
Sequoia: [sing-song tone] Share it with a friend or all of your friends. Or people you don’t know.
Kim: Maybe if we ever start getting reviews on iTunes we can do something where we like read out the names or something.
Sequoia: Yeah, we could do something fun if we got iTunes reviews.
Kim: Yeah, give us some reviews, and maybe we’ll do something fun for you.
Sequoia: [inaudible] ...on iTunes. [Kim laughs] That’s my attempt at subliminal messaging. [both laugh loudly]
Kim: Is that what that was?! [Sequoia laughs] Jesus! Okay, number three. If you’re interested, we have a Patreon, and there’s some garbage on it.
Sequoia: Yeah. If I write the rest of this story, that’s where that’s going.
Kim: I mean quality content. You’re never going to do that. Don’t say that you will.
Sequoia: [frustrated groan] I’m going to punch you!
Kim: Don’t touch me.
Sequoia: Those are the ways that you can help us out. If you just want to, like, chat, you can tweet at us.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Or you can follow us on Instagram.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: Or you can follow us on Facebook.
Kim: Uh huh.
Sequoia: You can also leave us reviews on Facebook too. Both of those things.
Kim: Yeah.
Sequoia: So you can find us there @FanaticalFics.
Kim: Yep! Or if you have something a little longer you want to say to us or just whatever, our email is fanaticalfics@gmail.com.
Sequoia: We have a story submission form. If you read as much fanfiction as us, which you probably don’t because we are crazy people...
Kim: But you might.
Sequoia: But you might. Which would be really cool.
Kim: And you came across something you think we need to see, the link to the form is in the episode description.
Sequoia: We will read it!
Kim: Oh yeah.
Sequoia: And we will love to not have to find it ourselves, so send us what you got!
Kim: Yeah. Send us some gross stuff. Send me some gross stuff.
Sequoia: Yeah, send Kim some gross stuff. Not me though.
Kim: And thanks to the Whomping Willows for letting us use their amazing song “Wolfstar.”
Sequoia: Thankssss!
Kim: I think that’s everything for today. Thanks for listening.
Sequoia: [whispers] Bye!
Kim: See you in two weeks. Bye!